Sunday, October 4, 2009

Monster Crap Inductee: Evil Brain From Outer Space (1964)

Monster Crap Inductee: Evil Brain From Outer Space
Unfortunately, Pinky Was Not Available

I’m sure you have all heard about the joke of Japan having some of the best drugs out there and in fact, I believe I have made that joke before. However, after watching the film I am about to induct, I see why Japan needs the good drugs. You see, while someone on Japan’s good drugs will make great ideas like Akira…..

This Is Truly A Film To See.....

Someone on Japan’s bad drugs will end up making a more hilariously bad movie than anything America’s drugged out minds can create….like the movie we are talking about today.

Now let’s get into the drug induced chicanery that happens in this movie.

We begin his movie with a rocket ship and the opening credits. After that, we get a back-story that the leader of the planet Zemar, Balazar, has been killed by a decontrolled robot. However, the leader’s brain was so powerful that it was while the body was dying, it ordered a mechanism built that would keep the brain alive. But now since Balazar’s brain is planning an invasion on the planet Earth, a intergalactic high council is discussing ways to stop Balazar’s brain. Now if you want to see how screwed up the filmmakers are, just look at these two shots of the supposed high council.

Anyways, they already know that the brain is on Earth to oversee the invasion to perfection. So what does the high council do? Why, they send the hero of outer space. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Emerald Planet, I present to you Starman.

Oh yeah, they have also created a globe meter, which allows the user to fly through space, detect radioactivity, and to speak all of Earth’s languages.

Anyway, Starman arrives on Earth and we move to a guy carrying the brain in a briefcase…..wait a minute, if this brain is all powerful, how in the hell can it fit in a briefcase? Well, I am sure when we see the thing, we will find out why. But all we see is this suitcase and it gets dropped in the water while the guy is being arrested because they think he is a bank robber. Of course, just as soon as the cops handcuff the man, they find out that the bank robber had already been caught. Oops. Of course, the guy keeps trying to warn the police about a planned space invasion headed by an evil brain and that goes over as well as a fart would which is to say, not so well. Of course he mentions Dr. Kurikowa and that same man calls the station telling the cops to release the man and not believe anything he says. He of course reveals that then man’s name is Kuroda. Of course Kuroda still searches for the suitcase; he is cornered by henchmen for Balazar, who are ordered to kill him.

But before they could do anything, Starman in disguise comes to save the day.

Of course, Starman’s transformation from his real self to his disguise is just basically ducking under the camera and reappearing. Talk about your great effects. Of course the henchmen try to shoot Starman, but the weapons don’t work on him so he might as well have gone the Prince of Space route and tell the aliens that their weapons do not work on him. After a bad fight scene, Starman is able to defeat the evil henchman and save Kuroda’s life. Oh yeah, I completely forgot to mention that Starman has a curved antenna on top of his head. How original. Of course, while Starman is trying to get information out of Kuroda, we see a hobo with crutches watching.

We then go to Dr. Sakurai’s office as both Starman and Kuroda try to get the doctor to help them. Of course the kids and wife believe this crazy story and encourage him to stop that evil brain. He also explains that all the henchmen are mutants who are disguised as humans. Starman gives the kids a ball that should he ever be needed, they can throw it. That hobo who is not Blade Braxton tells Dr. Kurikowa that Starman has arrived and that there are plans in work to stop Balazar’s brain. Of course, we find out that the evil brain has been rescued. And now we get the scene of a train and a ship being derailed by a monster. Hundreds of victims are being sent to the hospital and of course, and only then other people start believing of the evil plot of the evil brain.

Back at the Sakurai’s house, Kuroda decides to sneak into Dr. Kurikowa’s base and get some more information. Of course, Kuroda is being followed by a police officer. What does Kuroda do once he gets to the place, he decides to ring the door bell and hide. Great idea let them know someone is around spying. Of course no one answers so Kuroda tries to find another way in. Of course the evil Kurikowa, not being a dumbass, sees Kuroda sneaking around. Kuroda enters through an unlocked door….Jesus, does anyone not have a burglar’s welcome sign at their house. Of course, Kuroda finds the info he is looking for in some books that are not well hidden. Kuroda takes a key to a suitcase and while looking for more info, he gets his lights knocked out by the evil hobo. Kurokawa, realizing that the house is no longer a safe haven, decides to move to another headquarters. Smartest move made by someone in this film yet. Of yeah, almost forgot to give you a picture of Dr. Kurokawa.

While the two of them leave, we see that Dr. Kurokawa only uses the wheelchair as a disguise as the man can walk perfectly fine.

Anyways, the new base is underneath the old base which is not a very good new headquarters in my eyes. The police officer tailing Kuroda comes in and helps him up. While underground, we get to see the many henchmen of that evil brain and…..

What The Hell???

Those freaking costumes look exactly like Batwoman in the Wild World of Batwoman.

The lead henchmen reveals to his other henchmen that he has ordered a mutant that can breathe radioactive breath to pay Dr. Sakurai a visit. Hopefully, he will be bearing gifts.

But no such luck as the mutant just tries to attack Dr. Sakurai.

Ladies and Gentlemen, The Mysterious Veinstro
-Credit Goes To A Wrestlecrapper Named Chainsaw For The Nickname

Anyway, Starman comes in to save the day again as he goes into another pathetic fight scene. In fact, I’ll just show you this whole scene as to save time in explaining it other than the army attacks the mutant; it splits into two, and flies away. Starman decides that he will defeat the mutant another day. We then see a few mutants disguised as humans throw a dart at a jewelry store attendant and steal some jewels.

One of the defense scientists decides to carry his defense plans into a dark alley and wouldn’t you know it, he is attacked and struck with a dart by the evil henchmen. The police see this and try to take the scientist to a private hospital, not knowing that it is a headquarters for the evil henchman. The children of Dr. Sakurai see the henchmen with the plans and hide. Of course, the mutants get away. The police officer and the children are cornered by a few henchmen in Bat outfits who plan on killing them. Of course, Starman in disguise comes in and kicks some henchmen ass. Starman reveals to the police officer that he is an alien superhero who is here to stop Balazar’s brain from attacking the Earth. Back at evil henchmen HQ, the henchmen go over some of the defense plans that they stole when they find out that Starman is continuing to beat the crap out of the henchmen. The lead henchman then decides that Starman must be destroyed.

Back at the laboratories, we find out that the injured scientist has died and that the police are suspicious of the hospital. At the playground, two henchmen try to kill the kids, but are stopped by Starman. They try throwing the darts at Starman, but to no avail. At the evil private hospital, one of the two kids (the boy) comes in while the other one (a girl) says that he is hurt. It appears that he got a scrape so he must be looked over so there is no infection. Hey, that is their thoughts, not mine. Normally with a scrape, you just wait for it to go away. But I guess in this film, a scrape means a trip to the hospital. Of course the kid is the most annoying prick in this film and keeps groaning to no end. Of course, the nurse decides to leave the window open so we can easily say how stupid this film is. The sister leaves him alone, unaware that the hospital is evil. While they leave, the kid decides to stick his tongue out. Of course, the boy decides to escape and uses the open window. Of course it takes him a few seconds to realize there is an open window even the window is kind of right in front of him. Outside, he sees the doctor of the private hospital smoking and entering a secret passageway. He follows the doctor and sees a private headquarters of the evil henchmen. This kid’s hiding techniques are so bad that it does take a braniac to see him and thus the henchman who decides to look away for a moment sees him. We cut to the little girl praying that her big brother is alright and Starman tells the girl that he will investigate as he doesn’t trust the private hospital either. The little girl decides to also send the police to that evil hospital. We cut to Starman flying and then to Starman already at the base fighting the henchmen. That has to be one of the worst editing moves ever. Oh yeah, and we get another pointless fight scene. Oh yeah, and there is a scene where one of the guys thrown around is obviously a dummy. The police finally invade the underground hideout and the evil henchmen retreat.

Back at Sakurai’s house, Starman explains that there are more evil henchmen out there. We cut to a plane landing and find out that the evil henchmen are now trying to kill all government leaders. The evil henchmen corner the world leader only to find out that it is Starman in disguise. Of course when cornered, he threatens to throw a nuclear grenade. The grenade is thrown anyways and thus the entire airport is destroyed. Um…don’t nuclear weapons do more than just blow up one airport? But of course, this is most likely a kids film so no one dies from the nuclear grenade. Starman follows the evil henchmen because lets face it, we have all lost any understanding of logic, and Starman proceeds to kick some more asses. The henchmen try to escape, but are cornered by the police.

Meanwhile, at an amusement park, a new mutant appears and kills a mother and all I have to say is….

Joan Rivers!!!!

The Joan Rivers mutant than goes to a ballet class and kills another woman. We then see an earthling traitor trying to give the henchmen plans for the invasion to the brother of Dr. Kurokawa, Dr. Okawa. Dr. Okawa is a man with a scar on his face so you can kind of guess something happened to him. What happened, we will never know because this film never tells us.

Okawa goes to his laboratory and we see his created mutation of the super germ. Now what does this super germ look like??? Well….

That Is Not A Super Germ In My Eyes.

Starman is now on the scene and sees that germs are killing humans. He asked where one such human was and the guy points to the small house of Dr. Okawa. Starman enters the base and you guessed it, beats some more people up. Defense forces are also present, but Dr. Okawa releases the Joan Rivers mutant to defeat Starman. Starman wins and because of the mutant’s defeat, the Super Germ is destroyed and because the Super Germ is destroyed, Dr. Okawa has a heart attack and dies. I should add that one of the henchmen has a hook for a hand thus giving us…..

It's Invader Hook!!

Anyway, Starman sees a suitcase carrying a nuclear device so he gets rid of it… flying out to space and destroying it. At the house of one of the world leaders, the evil mutant that I cannot name attacks. Starman comes in to save the day and makes the mutant retreat again. However, the mutant this time has led Starman to the main headquarters where Starman kicks more bad guy butt, including that mutant, while the defense forces are close behind. The main henchman is apprehended, being revealed as Dr. Kurokawa and now we will finally see what this great brain looks like. Starman opens the door and…………

That's The Brain That Will Rule Us All???? HA!!!

Using the formula, the brain is destroyed, Starman goes back home, and the day is saved which ends our hilariously bad film.

Well, this movie was actually a combination of three episodes from the Super Giant miniseries. The three episodes are Episode #7 The Space Mutant Appears (Super Giant battles a marauding brainlike alien creature created by a mad scientist with the help of an alien army), Episode #8 The Devil’s Incarnation (Super Giant copes with a mad scientist (who was disfigured in World War II) who uses science and sorcery to turn his deceased daughter into an evil witch that murders women), and Episode #9 The Poison Moth Kingdom (Super Giant fights against an Arab terrorist army (which dresses in costumes that look similar to the alien army in The Space Mutant Appears) which plots to assassinate its nation's peaceful crown prince for his treasure). All of the nine Super Giant episodes, which were 45 miniutes each, were bought by Walter Manley Enterprises and cut down to 4 films, so a lot of scenese from the Japanese show were cut. Also, the movies were dubbed by Titra Studios in New York and one of the dubbers was Peter Fernandez. Now if you are asking me who he is, he did the voice dubbing for one of the most famous anime characters who just recently had a movie made about him.

Well, my thoughts on this movie are as you know, hilariously bad. The editing is atrocious, the special effects are bad, and the fighting is just pathetic. But if you ever want a film where you can rift on, and yet not have to worry about the MST3K guys doing it yet, this is one of those films. Would I watch this movie again? Oh, easily because I would have a good time making fun of it. This is definitely one of those films that I lovingly induct into Monster Crap. Now I shall end this induction with comments from Pinky and the Brain.

Brain: Come Pinky, We Have To Prepare For Tomorrow
Pinky: What Are We Going To Do Tomorrow?
Brain: Same Thing We Do Every Night. Try To Take Over The World

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