Friday, January 16, 2015

My Top 10 Worst Films of 2014

Well, I'll be honest.....while I had basically said how awesome this year was for movies, I also mentioned that there was some complete garbage. And since this is a site called Monster Crap, I guess you want me to talk about the Top 10 Worst of 2014. But first, I have to mention like the "Favorite" list, I did not see every movie despite seeing as many films as I saw so here are the films that would be on most people's list that I did not see.

* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
* Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge
* Transformers: Age of Extinction
* Transcendence
* Let's Be Cops
* A Million Ways To Die In The West
* Blended
* God's Not Dead
* Heaven's For Real
* Annie
* Divergent
* The Judge
* The Expendables 3
* Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas
* Labor Day
* Left Behind remake

And there are plenty of more so I said with the best, if the film you think should be on the list isn't, it is either I didn't see it or it was not as bad as these ones were. So before we even get to the worst of the worst for me, let's get to the Dishonorable mentions.

Camp Dread
This film barely missed out of the Top 10. First of all, Danielle Harris in that film despite being on the only in the film for five minutes so yeah, she is basically just a cameo. Eric Roberts is not allowed to have as much fun as he can with this generic film where the twist is everyone is a character you don't want to see in this film. Oh and basically plenty of people who you expect to be the killer are the killer like crazy jock guy, girl with glasses, and of course Eric Roberts. The kills are also lame in that they blatantly rip off famous death scenes in other horror movies. Just stay away from this film as you are getting nothing worth your time.

Heavenly Sword
Hey, remember that video game that was hyped up and after mixed reviews, just disappeared into obscurity. Yeah, two years after that, they decided to finally release the film they had planned as they wanted to make a franchise of this idea. Don't let the little circle there fool you, this game was not best selling and the film is basically in two ways: 1) fans of the game will hate this film as it decides to wipe its ass with the game you love and 2) people who don't care about the game or never heard of it will find this film incredibly stupid. Probably one of the most funny moments (unintentionally) was the part where a new character (not from the game and voiced very briefly by Thomas Jane) is basically hyped up as this Gary Stu as he is supposed to be the chosen one to save the day and when he gets the talked about weapon, he goes in a internal Jeff Hardy-like monologue about how this is the moment his life will change forever, which is interrupted by him getting decapitated from behind by a henchmen.

Legends of Oz: Dorothy's Return
A sequel to the Wizard of Oz story which despite Leah Michelle having a pretty decent singing voice, as a voice actor....she is terrible. This film is horribly animated and despite promising to have Dorothy's friends form the last movie in it and given decent voices, they are in really small roles before being captured by this terrible villain who can never be taken seriously as a threat because despite having no reason to act like a jester despite being dressed as a jester, he acts like a jester with parlor tricks and all. Man, even my parents who saw this film as I was watching it, just looked at me like "You really are watching this crap?" Ultimately, I only finished watching this turd after they had both gone to bed and just groaned the rest of the way through.

You want to know what story made a satire of the fact that we are too dependent on our technology to know what is going on in the world? Stephen King's Cell, and that has not been made into a film. But this was made into a film and it was given some of the most frustrating characters I have ever had to deal with. Basically everyone in this film kills all joy out of any performance that ultimately, you are just looking at your watch and waiting for these people to die. This movie is neither clever nor tells us anything about our dependence on stuff maybe being what bites us in the ass. The fact that they are planning a sequel for this is also equally as insulting.

The Hungover Games
I feel I need to make an apology to Friedberg and Seltzer to whatever I felt about The Starving Games being a terrible TERRIBLE parody of The Hunger Games because the people responsible with this one....are worse. This film also decided to make fun of also The Hangover as well, and also adding in parodies of so much other crap. And no, your eyes are not deceiving you. This film does do a parody of Johnny Depp's Willy Wonka in 2014!!! Also, this Katniss knockoff (called Katnip) is featured as nude at a time and is shot like you should be attracted to her.....and then reveal the bombshell that she is underage. Oh and even better, they make jokes of characters having sex with corpses.

Now that those dishonorable mentions have been done, let's get to the list.

10. Axel: The Biggest Little Hero
Yep.....while I said there were some great animation films, there were also some really terrible ones and one of the two worst for me is Axel: The Biggest Hero. I have seriously no idea how they got Ed Asner, Tim Curry, Matthew Lillard, and George Takei to do this pile of garbage and for Tim Curry and Matthew Lillard, I didn't even freaking recognize their voices in the film. For some reason, they made Matthew Lillard sound like Tim Curry from Legendary and Tim Curry sound like some stereotypical old Jewish guy. Plus the animation is freaking horrible and the character who in the third act they have to save should have been killed with fire for how much of a bitch she is. It seemed like they were sequel baiting with this film, but I have heard no such sequel being made and I hope I never hear of one being made.

9. The Legend of Hercules
Who would have thought that between two Hercules movies with one directed by Renny Harlin and the other directed by Brett Ratner, that the one directed by the guy who directed X-Men: The Last Stand would be better than the one by the director of Die Hard 2. But such is the case with this Hercules movie that tries to make Hercules like a real person despite being born from the fucking Zeus still. Oh and in the biggest insult to mythology, Hera (the person who in mythology tried to kill Hercules as a baby and the one who in the Hercules TV series was the main villain) instead is the one who gives the message to the mother that Zeus will be giving her a son and she is completely okay with this. Oh and you remember that lunkhead from the Nightmare on Elm Street remake who was so bland that he was thankfully killed off by Freddy almost immediately? Yeah, he is Hercules so you have to deal with his uncharismatic acting that makes me actually prefer Action Movie Channing Tatum.

8. The Pyramid
Oh you knew a found footage film was going to be on this list (and sadly there are two of these also) and the funny thing is while for the most part this film was a found footage, somewhere in the third act, they basically put themselves in a corner as far as found footage goes that they gave up on it being that. We have archeologists who try to act smart saying don't touch anything as it might be a trap so guess what, they touch what turns out to be a fucking trap. Oh and because I am going to be spoiling these movies so you don't see them, this three sided pyramid (which makes no fucking sense architecturally) is basically the prison for fucking Anubis. Oh and how do they get stuck in this pyramid without a whole crew around the dig site to maybe get them out, you may ask? Well, most everyone but these idiots are forced to leave because of the Egyptian revolutions that are going on at the time. Oh and I basically yelled "Bullshit" to this movie's attempts to talk about Egyptian mythology because even as someone who didn't have the internet in front of them to tell me the truth, I knew what they were telling us was packed full of lies.

7. Winter's Tale
This film is the most laughably convoluted film I have seen this year. So here we go....there is this thief who is trying to escape from being part of this gang (led by a fucking demon who works for Satan) so he falls in love with this woman who has a very uncurable disease. There is a horse who they call dog at times that saves his ass initially. This ex-thief believes that he is the so-called miracle for this woman who is dying and of course, it turns out he isn't. He of course allows the bad guys to get him and he is thrown off the Brooklyn Bridge. But instead of this killing him as it would most people or at least seriously wound him, all it does is give him amnesia. Amnesia that allows him to never age as he is the same age from the 1920s to the fucking present. He of course has to fight the demon boss (who to get to him has to allow himself to be mortal) and he kills him. It is then revealed that this miracle is to save a little girl of someone who was able to get him his memory back. Did you get all of that? If not, I tried. This movie will fucking confuse the shit out of you like it did me and my mom, who tried watching it five times and still has no fucking idea what happened (she likes Collin Farell). Please make sure Akiva Goldsmith (who they hyped as one of the Academy Award winning writers of A Beautiful Mind) never directs again.

6. The Coed And The Zombie Stoner
Oh dear god....this film. You know, it has been a long time since a film has reminded me that Asylum is also the company behind Transmorphers instead of being the company behind the awesome Sharknado series, but this film that instead of being funny, is annoying as hell. So there are certain rules to this sorority that this woman is in that they have to be dating someone and she has no one (well, she did....but the bitch boss who enforces that rule stole her boyfriend). So she falls in love with a zombie and of course, the boyfriend who dumped her and the bitch who stole him are jealous so they try to break them up. And because of their actions, people start getting infected and becoming zombies, but not your average zombies, these are zombies who like to party and can be cured by some nutty professor (no Eddie Murphy jokes, please). The acting in this film makes me rather watch Antisocial. But it is sadly not the worst comedy I saw this year. That will be later on this list.

5. Dwegons and Leprechauns
This is the worst animated film I have ever seen. Seriously look at those people smiles on the poster and realize you are going to see that crap up close and they talk. Also, what you may not know is that stuff like this is what former softcore porn star Jacqueline Lowell is doing these days as she provides the voice of the woman in the poster and the female villain. But let's talk about the horrible abominations that are the Dwegons. These little monsters love fucking donuts and will trade gold for the damn things (Seriously). Also, the Leprechauns on the title are only in the film for five minutes and they are basically part of the origins of these Dwegons, which basically entails that these creatures are the result of when Leprechauns (who came to America to search for some unknown person) forgot to bring any female Leprechauns as mates so they have to mate with the fairies in this country (which are small beasts with fucking bat wings). If you are not repulsed by this yet or the fact that we have stereotypes all over the place or the fact that despite only being created in America, the Dwegons have a colony in China too, I still say stay far away from this animated atrocity....unless you are Raymond Gallant of Toon Crap, in which case....I recommend you see how horrible this film is for yourself.

4. Vampire Academy
Thank god this film based on the book series that tries to rip off Twilight and combine it with Mean Girls for this extremely lazy work. I can't say for sure if you are a fan of the book series, that you might like this film, but if this follows the book you love so well, I seriously pity you. Films like these are an embarrassment of what should be acceptable. This film seems to be okay with slut shaming and falling in love with someone even if they are an asshole. Thankfully, this film freaking bombed big time in the box office so normally a sequel would not be happening, despite this film doing a sequel bait ending. But people tried to get the movie made anyway with eBay auctions and indiegogo. Thankfully, they fell well beyond the reach to get a sequel made so we will never see one. Sorry Vampire Academy fans, but this film does not deserve a sequel and any inkling of Twilightmania for the general audience is dead. Just go on the Hunger Games bandwagon, which Hollywood has gone to....and leave vampires alone.

3. A Haunted House 2
There was a very good reason I nominated this for a GINO Award despite my rule of not even thinking of inducting sequels if their is a reason I should induct the predecessor. This film's jokes include Marlon Wayans fucking a Annabelle doll named Abigail (seriously); the fact that we are supposed to root for this guy despite the fact that in the opening act, he leaves his last girlfriend at the hospital entrance because he beat her nearly to death (Seriously); needing advice from a doctor who does drugs and ends up in prison to get prison raped by Mark Henry (SERIOUSLY), a teenage daughter who is sexually attracted to a possessed box (fuck that); a priest shanking another priest for absurd reasons and it is acted like it didn't happen (OH GOD!!!); and more stuff that makes me want to bang my head into the wall enough times that I create a hole in it. No one in this film acts worth a damn and seriously, this film can just go straight to hell.

2. Willow Creek
I really want to make this perfectly clear: I like Bobcat Goldwait. I was one of the people who watched the show Unhappily Ever After when it originally aired and I liked that show, especially his character of a imaginary friend of the main character because with all the bullshit in this main character's life....he has gone completely insane. Because of that, I actually was looking forward to his take on the found footage genre with promise of a Bigfoot monster. Looking back, I should have known since this isn't his first directorial gig and every movie he has done has been met with terrible reviews, but I was na├»ve and thought this was his first one. What I got was one of the most boring found footage films I have ever seen and it was made EVEN worse with the payoff. So you are expecting we will get a bigfoot after going through all the boring nonsense we are dealing with, but no. Instead the supposed sasquatch is actually just a big fat woman and apparently she kills them. Yep....this film basically played a complete joke on you and is probably still laughing at your ass long after you are watching it. I will not be watching Bobcat Goldwait's other films because I really do not want to turn my appreciation towards the guy into hatred because of his directing.

And now it is time for #1 and oh boy, this film can go straight to hell because I don't know what the hell I just watched.

1. Mr. Jones
Part fake documentary and part "horror" film, this film is just terrible all around. Once again, not only was I just completely bored by this film that it took me several viewings just to get to the end (in hopes maybe I could get a monster and nominate this film). Boy was that a mistake because despite what the poster makes you believe and what the camera techniques try to make you feel, there is truly only one thing supernatural about this thing. The fact that what happened after they get to their lodging (which is where they find the supposed house of Mr. Jones) was all a dream that they can never wake up from. Interspliced between bullshit is stuff from this fake documentary where they interview people about this mysterious Mr. Jones character who just leaves mysterious totems to random people and you get the hint that their lives are apparently fucked because of them. We have talks from a curator (who is played by the guy who played Palmer in John Carpenter's The Thing), a scholar (played by the woman who plays the only female Assistant DA in Law & Order: SVU and is now on NCIS), and we have the anthropologist (who is played by the guy who was the terrorist leader Ten Rings in Iron Man). So yeah, even decent actors can get caught up in being part of something so horrid that I would call it the worst film I have seen. This film really has no pay off also, which makes it worse than Willow Creek because despite me not liking it, that film at least had a fucking pay off. Yep.....sorry first time director Karl Mueller.....but you created the worst film of 2014 for me.

And that is the up, I will be doing a poll to decide the February induction and then I will be doing the induction of the film you voted for to win the 2014 GINO Award Winner (even though it wasn't the worst film I saw) in this little film from WWE Films.

Demonic Mandrills For Everyone....

1 comment:

  1. Still need to see Willow Creek,but every other Bobcat directed film has been amazing. The one from a year or so ago where the man goes around killing Reality tv show stars was a great piece of satire. I think it got bad reviews cause the critics realized someone had caught onto the tricks they use with reality tv to get the sheep hooked.