Friday, August 30, 2013

Seth & Mike's Impact Implosion for August 29th, 2013

Well, I broke out the alcohol again because this show was not that good. However, like I say, I can only give it a D because it had two good matches (look at the card and you will easily figure out which two were the good matches). But wait until the end because of the highlight of all highlights because Hulk Hogan had to be in the main event segment and boy does he decide to be a complete fucking dumbass by saying stuff that even the TNA twitter had to correct after the fact. Sooner or later, Hulk Hogan is going to have to be sent out there with a script and be told to follow the script line for line because if he goes out there nowadays, he fucks up too much.

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Friday, August 23, 2013

Seth & Nick's Impact Implosion for August 22nd, 2013

Yeah, like you heard last week.....Mike Poulin (my usual co-host) was once again unable to make the show due to prior obligations so co-host of the Smackdown Rundown, Nickolye co-hosted the show this week in his place. Not much to say about this week's Impact other than that it was a C- and apparently everyone was ripping on Taz's commentary this week. Newsflash folks: I have had to listen to him almost every week on Impact and even on PPVs ruin what should be normally a good show and this is not even close to being his worst job on Impact. It was bad, but not bad enough that everyone is going after when they weren't going after him for WORSE (do I really need to remind people what he said on the One Night Only: TNA 10 Reunion show?) So yeah, we will talk about Taz's BS a little bit, but mostly the show had good matches with bad outcomes and bad matches with good outcomes so take what you can get.

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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Monster Crap Induction: Monstroid: It Came From The Lake (aka Monster) (1980)

Monster Crap Inductee: Monstroid, It Came From The Lake (aka Monster)
Pollution Creates One Of The Most Boring Monsters

1980

 I can’t believe I have to do this film. I can’t believe I have to watch the most boring monster movie I have ever seen. In fact, this film is so boring that Elvira horror hosting this film couldn’t save it.

Yeah, I Said It, Not Even Elvira & Her Two Greatest Assets Could Make Me Want To Watch This Film. And She Was 30 When That One Aired So It Is Not Weird.

And even worse, the version I will be watching from Netflix doesn’t even have Elvira in it. Instead, I will have to watch this movie dry and even then as you will see, the film looks shitty. But there is one good thing about this film and that is John Carradine is in this movie.


Ah yes, the great John Carradine…..a guy who when he is in one of these bad movies, you notice him immediately. Whether it be in John Ford Westerns, being the last of Universal’s Draculas during those Monster Movie days, or being in low budget crap…..John Carradine always has that aura that lets you know who it is in this movie. In fact, in a message board I use, I have John Carradine from Billy The Kid vs. Dracula as my signature.

John Carradine Is Indeed Watching You Masturbate So Please Stop.

Other known John Carradine roles include Preacher Casy in The Grapes of Wrath, as Moses’ brother Aaron in Cecile B. DeMille’s Ten Commandments, and the voice of the Great Owl in The Secret of NIMH.

Lady, I Will Have You Know That I Was Dracula. 

He is also the patriarch of the well-known Carradine Family, which four of his five sons were actors and that other son is currently the Vice President of Imagineering in Disney. Now only three of those four acting sons are at least known and the most well-known acting son David has sadly passed away from accidentally killing himself through autoerotic asphyxiation. But no matter what, the acting gene was definitely in that family’s blood.

This film also has Robert Mitchum’s son James in it as well as Phillip Carey (who was Captain Parmalee in the Western TV series Laredo) and Anthony Eisley (who was one of the detective leads Tracey Steele in Hawaiian Eye). But outside of Aldo Sambrell, who was playing gang members in Spaghetti westerns, there is no one in this film who is known. In fact, there are many unknowns who this film didn’t bother to even credit. So when you wonder what happened to most of these people, I am going to have to shrug my shoulders and say “I don’t know because this film didn’t bother to tell me who they are”.

So get whatever it is that keeps you awake and let’s review this film.

Apparently, This Story Is Based On FACT……Which Is Probably A Bunch Of Bullshit
We begin our film with a guy relaxing in his hammock while his wife dances for him.

Get Used To This, This Is The Film Quality That We Are Dealing With
However, this scene gets interrupted by the monster as he grabs the guy while his wife screams.

 
The wife faints and the monster leaves a footprint.


Then we get to the opening credits.

You Gotta Love How They Didn’t Even Bother Making The Title Card Fit In With The Rest Of The Credits So It Felt Like They Just Put It In There.

Now You Are Just Trying To Hard To Make Us Believe This Happened.
We then go to a corporate building in USA where a meeting is taking place. Basically the boss explains that their cement plan in a village in Columbia is having issues. He basically says if the plant stops working, the village can’t live and more importantly, they lose money. This plant has several problems like a woman (the woman we met earlier) named Maria, who claimed a giant animal took her husband today, but there is a group of people who think she is a witch.

That Is The Boss, Also Known As Barnes

The other trouble is a radical named Victor Sanchez, who is Anti-American and Anti-Big Business. He has been spreading stories about the witch and the monster in an attempt to get the natives to force the workers at the cement plant out of the country. Apparently, he has scared a lot of people out of the town and has caused production at the plant to slow down. Barnes wants to know what is happening and he wants it stopped. And he reveals that he is sending the guy who he is talking to, to Columbia to deal with this. He also reveals that there is a reporter who is being very nosy and she has been broadcasting this problem on a network that they advertise with to a tune of 4 million dollars every year.

We then go to the reporter named Patty Clark who is reporting on this small town where the plant is and is calling the plant a problem since it is polluting the lake. The pollution is taking away the fishermen in the town’s livelihood because the fish are dying from pollution.

Okay…..So I Think We Should Call This Guy To Solve Our Problems.

We then move to a family playing Frisbee with their dog as the boy is taking pictures.


Of course the boy notices this in the lake.

My God……The Slime From “The Raft” Story In Creepshow 2 Is Forming. Run For Your Lives And What Ever You Do….

Don’t Let It Touch You!!!

The boy (named Glen) tries to tell the girl (named Andrea) to look at it, but what he saw goes back under the water so she doesn’t see it. Horns signal that the bull run is going to begin (don’t know what that is and it will never get mentioned again) and Andrea tries to get the dog to get the Frisbee from the water one more time, but the dog senses something wrong and he is not risking his life to fetch that Frisbee.

In the town we meet Victor Sanchez…

Looking Like He Is Ready To Be In Some Magazine

And we meet the town’s local priest.

Who Even Though He Is Credited As Just “Priest”, We Will Call Him Father Carradine. Also Looks Like He May Be Screwing Some Alter Boys With That Look

During the sermon, Victor talks to an ally of his on how to get rid of the evil plaguing this town. Victor says that his ally must do what he feels is right for the village while Victor does what he has set out to do. He says that they must unite to drive out the evil foreigners and the creatures that they have created.

We go to a graveyard where Maria is mourning at her late husband’s grave.


We then see the whole opening again as she remembers what happened. As she is about to leave, she gets chased out by the ally of Sanchez (named Carlos)


We then meet the guy who Barnes was talking to at the meeting named Bill Travis.


He meets with the female pilot who will take him to the village in Columbia. We then meet a plant worker named Pete and a secretary named Laura.


We see that Pete had a fling with Laura, which Laura wants to continue…….but Pete wants to end because there is another who he wants to have a relationship with. After an argument, Pete tells Laura to back off, but Laura mentions that it looks like she will be taking those midnight swims alone.

After that, the helicopter lands and Travis is at the village (going to have to call it the village because I can’t spell the name of the town). Patty tries to get an interview with him, but he stiffs her by saying until he figures out what is going on in this town, there will be no interviews.

That night Laura goes for a midnight swim when Pete comes by and of course sleeps with her before telling her that it is definitely over between them.

Yep………..This Pete Sure Is A Real Gentlemen.

Can You Blame Him?

Porno Pete, what the hell are you doing here? This has nothing to do with a porno. I didn’t even make any pornographic references of any kind.

Hey, you were going after this Pete fellow for having sex while in another relationship and I’m telling you to look at her. Look at her and tell me you wouldn’t have a fling with her.

Pete, this is not the time to talk about this nonsense so get the hell out of here.

Whatever you say…

Thank you. Now moving back into this film, there is a festival in the town so of course, that would give perfect reason to why when Laura gets attacked by the monster, no one hears her scream.


The next day, Laura’s body is found.


Neither the authorities nor Travis know what could have done this while Patty is reporting on the incident. A doctor talks to Pete who is very remorseful about the whole situation and felt like he should have never left her. One of the ideas is that the radicals did this and another is that a freshwater shark did this, but Travis doesn’t buy either one of those. Travis then talks to Pete about what they should do to figure out what happened because if they don’t, they will definitely be out of a job. Glen and Andrea show up to confirm if their suspicions were true about Laura being dead and Pete confirms it. He then introduces the kids to Travis and Glen tells them that he saw something in the lake that was not dead, but he doesn’t know what it is. Andrea keeps telling Glen that he is just telling stories and Travis says that “maybe this wasn’t a story”.

Travis then takes samples from a nearby drainage pipe and gets into a conversation with Victor. Travis tells Victor that he doesn’t want to catch him disrupting production from the plant or using the people of this town. And if he finds out that Victor was behind Laura’s death, he’s gonna kick his ass. Victor says that he understands what he is saying, but he tells Travis that he does not like what the rich American people have done to his land. He also says that he has worked hard to get Americans off his country and he will continue to do so.

Patty has an interview with Father Carradine who believes that black magic has existed for centuries and it is his small flock of innocent believers who he must protect. Patty then talks with the wife of the plant supervisor named Ann and her daughter Andrea. Ann mentions that another man named Jose may have been murdered in a similar way and mentions that the wife never recovered from the shock. She also mentions that the villagers think that she may be a witch, but she thinks that is ridiculous. Ann even says that the monster stuff is absurd, but the interview is cut off by Travis who says the interview is over and he wants the tape. The mayor warns Patty to stop exploiting this town.

Travis calls Barnes, but before that there is definitely some flirting going on between Barnes’ secretary and Travis. Barnes finds out about what happened with Patty and he tells Travis to get on Patty’s good side and then kick her ass out of the town. He then says that he will contact her boss and lie about her contacting malaria or something so she could be forced out. Travis then wants a sonar for the lake and Barnes says this line.

Barnes: Hey, Hey……You’re Not Starting To Believe That Monster Crap Too, Are Ya?
Hey, I have a hard enough time talking about this film as it is. You better not start bring my site into this BS too, although this film was done 4 years before I was even born, 26 years before I started Monster Crap, and 29 years before I created this site so I guess I should lay off the film for this.

Barnes eventually agrees to get him a sonar device to see if there is anything in the water. He then gets a phone call with the head of the network and he tells the head to get Patty’s ass out of there. The head of the network says he can’t and Barnes tells the head that they pay their network 4 million dollars in advertising and says if she is not gone, the advertising deal is off. The head of the network says Barnes can’t do that, which Barnes laughs off and says “Read your fucking contract, asshole” before hanging up.

Back in town, Travis talks to the mayor about what is going on when Patty comes in and tries to persuade Travis that while she understand the volatile situation, it is news and as a reporter, it is her job to get that story. Patty offers a deal where if she gets an exclusive on the story going on here, then they will have the tape that they wanted several minutes ago. She also says that when the mayor feels that he is comfortable releasing the story, she will do just that. Travis doesn’t like this idea so he declines. He says that while he doesn’t know what happened to Laura, but he is not going to let her use the superstition and the pollution problem (a problem his company is trying to fix) to help her career or indirectly help Sanchez with what he wants because the cement plant keeps this town alive. The mayor wants everyone to work together to solve this issue and if he doesn’t think that will work, he will call on the government for help, something that both Bill Travis and Patty Clark do not want.

We go to the next scene where the sonar is there and both Glen and Andrea are nearby. Glen says this is proof that Travis did believe him, but Andrea still says this proves nothing. Glen then reveals that at night, they are going to use a new lens to get a picture of whatever is in the lake. Andrea is not down with this idea and says that she is not going with him. Go to the next scene is night and it turns out that Andrea did go with Glen to see if there is a creature. She even admits that she doesn’t know how she let her brother con her into going with him, which Glen responds it is because she loves him.

At the town, there is a fiesta going on to celebrate the town’s birth. Both Travis and Clark attend. The mayor gives a speech about how tonight is a night to forget all the troubles and enjoy the festivities. In fact, Patty Clark and Bill Travis decide to dance together and Victor Sanchez looks on with disgust. Pete goes to watch the sonar and the mayor’s daughter Juanita goes with him. Did I forget that before Laura died, Pete mentioned that he had feelings for Juanita? I didn’t? Well, I am now because I at least know who Juanita is now. I also mention this because Pete decides to shirk his responsibilities so he can get laid. Yep……..this is so what Porno Pete would do, so much so that I wonder if that is him.

Hey, I wish it was me, but you know damn well it is Tracey Steele from Hawaiian Eye playing the role of Pete in this film.

You’re right…I’m just trying to have some fun with this film.

Back at the lake, Glen and Andrea spot two drunken fisherman out on a boat in the lake. The monster decides to scare the kids off, although I can’t be sure if it is the monster because we never get to see that it is the monster scaring them off. We just see them run away and scream, as well as some growls. Anyway, the two drunk idiots stand on the boat and we see from the unmonitored sonar that something is coming towards them.


These drunken morons sit down on the boat and are of course, easy pickings for the monster.

I Swear These Are The Best Pictures I Could Get.

The next day, guess which two decided to sleep in the same bed, suggesting something going on.

Or Maybe He Is Just Sleeping With Her To Get The Damn Tape He Wants, How Should I Know?

The two kids develop the pictures they took and one of them might be an eye or a tooth. You know your film quality sucks when you can’t tell the difference between an eye and a tooth. A town meeting is called because the two drunken fisherman who they know have disappeared. There the kids show their photographic evidence that something is in the lake.

Yep………..Something Is Definitely In That Lake In My Mind, Although If The Idiot Council Members In Jaws 2 Were Viewing This, They Wouldn’t Have Seen Anything.
Bill Travis tells the mayor that if he wants, he can bring the government in on this, which the mayor refuses because he doesn’t want to bring politicians into their town. Patty then says that she can’t keep this story under wraps as a giant monster is apparently a reporters dream.

Then I Guess Steve Martin From Godzilla, King Of The Monsters Was Living The Dream Then

Well, she does add with a small town, superstitions, and killer monsters is the perfect international news for a reporter. Yeah, I’m still going with Steve Martin from Godzilla, King of the Monsters. Patty, you’re still a na├»ve idiot.

Anyway, Patty still wants the exclusive, but she does agree to keep the government out of this. The group decides to rig up some depth charges and blow up the creature. Pete says he will go rig up the explosives since he does have some experience with them.

While they are figuring out this plan, Carlos and his crew go to find Maria and of course they have torches so they plan to burn the witch.

We Really Need Sir Bedivere From Monty Python & The Holy Grail To Settle This Whole Issue.

I Mean, If Maria Is Truly A Witch Here, She Would Weigh The Same As A Duck.

Back to the film, Father Carradine tries to talk down the mob by saying that “he will exorcise the demon from this woman”. Yeah, he is basically trying to save her life, but of course Maria screws up his efforts by saying his exorcism doesn’t work because she is not a witch.


Even if you are truly not a witch and you think that Father Carradine is serious, you have seen that these people aren’t going to believe a damn word you say, but are actually listening to the priest. You go along with his stuff because these people have lit torches so you know all too well what these superstitious folks are going to do.

He Tried, But He Can’t Help It If She Refuses To Go Along With His Plan

So because they think that Father Carradine’s powers do not work, they burn the witch.

Burn For Your Stupidity, Maria!!!

However, we see that people come in to stop the burning.

Elsewhere we see Victor Sanchez plant bombs so he can blow up certain parts of the plant. But Sanchez gets himself stuck after lighting the fuse.

The Price Is Right Fail Music Would Be Perfect For This Situation

Sanchez doesn’t even bother stopping the fuse so of course, he blows up.

And Boom Goes The Dynamite

Everyone of course survives the bomb, but Sanchez, who they couldn’t find enough pieces to bury. However, it will take a week of repairs before the plant will be operational again. Of course, that doesn’t hamper any part of their plan to destroy the monster so overall, Sanchez’s stunt was rather harmless to everyone except Sanchez. In fact, the Maria burning does more damage to their plans because they had to use the helicopter to send her to a burn center where she might have a chance to live. Really is rather pathetic to the bomber when a witch burning does more harm to plans than his idea to blow up the building.

But luckily, they do get another helicopter thanks to theft. Pete and Bill Travis then set up the bomb to be in the bait that they have for the monster. The plan is then set into motion with Pete and a female pilot on the helicopter with the bait and head to the lake. When they get to the lake, there are people on the beach with cameras waiting to see how this works, or finally see what this monster actually looks like.

And Not A Bad Looking Monster, Too Bad It Took Till Now To See It.

Bill Travis is about to set off the bomb, but at an unfortunate time, Travis has butterfingers and loses the detonator. He then decides to go for a swim to get back the detonator. The monster sees that Bill is in the water and decides,

Hmmm……….More Food

One of the town patrol sends out a boat for Travis for him to get on. We also get the best shot of this monster we will ever get.


The Monster goes away, dragging the detonator with it as Travis is still swimming after it. But the patrolmen on the boat helps distract the monster which helps Travis finally get the detonator. After getting far enough away from the monster, he sets the detonator which blows the monster up.


Everyone celebrates the death of the monster as Patty reports the news of the monster and its destruction. We then go to Glen and Andrea playing with their dog and the only thing this sets up for is a threat of a sequel because the monster…

It Laid An Egg

Scratch That, It Laid A Bunch Of Eggs And It Sounds Like The Eggs Are Hatching

We then go to the credits to see the film’s real title which was not edited out for that crappy title at the beginning.

But Then Again, I Bet The Filmmakers & Distributers Didn’t Expect Us To Make It This Far
And thus our movie ends.

I really have very little information on what happened to this movie other than it was on Elvira’s Movie Macabre and when I started doing Monster Crap, someone recommended this film as an induction. In fact, I would love to have more information on this movie and if someone who was in this movie is still alive to give said info, I would more than happily edit this induction with that information because it fascinates me that this film is barely even known to exist.

Now onto the actors, what very few we know about. Phillip Carey (who played Barnes) for the most part retired from acting after this film, but he did do appearances on One Life To Live as Asa Buchanon, and we starting to be more featured on the show before his death in 2009. Aldo Sambrell (who from looking at older movies of his, makes me guess he was Victor Sanchez) had film projects that kept getting less known or just Spanish, but he did appear as Adolfo (although under the acting name of Alfredo Brel Sanchez) in Jackie Chan’s Operation Condor. In 2010, he Sambrell died of a stroke.

But probably most known to us all is John Carradine. He would still do low budget movies until he retired as he was suffering from crippling arthritis. In 1988, he died from multiple organ failure in Milan, Italy. Two of his sons David and Keith were by his side when he died. Although both said he never spoke to them, they were told that his last words were “Milan: What a beautiful place to die” There was a Requiem Mass for him at St. Thomas the Apostle Hollywood, a church that John himself founded with Jane Fonda being among those in attendance. An Irish wake followed before he was buried at sea.

Now onto my opinion of the movie. Despite my fascination with what went on during the making of this movie, what happened to this movie afterwards to make it so unknown, and what happened to most of the people who were in this movie, I have to say that this movie was extremely boring. Oh don’t get me wrong, the monster effects (what little you could see) and the practical effects done to the body were pretty good. But the plot is extremely slow and the lighting was atrocious. Back in the 70s & 80s, while we may make extreme fun of day for night shots that were done in low budget movies, there was a purpose to them because with them, we could see what was going on. In this movie, there are plenty of times where you would have been eyesight than I do to see what the hell is going on (and I don’t have horrible eyesight). Also look at the cover, then the monster, and then think about if they are the same monster. If you have more interest with the movie than I do, I completely understand because the fact that this film is this unknown, is really sad in my eyes. In fact, despite me saying this movie is boring, I wouldn’t mind seeing a sequel or see someone interview a person from this movie to see what went into making this film.

Okay, NegaSeth…I sat through this extremely boring film. I know you said the last one is the worst so just lay in on me.

I’m Glad You Want To Know What I Have Cooked Up For You. You See, Earlier This Year, You Did Your Seltzer/Friedberg Film Which Broke A Record Of 3 Done By Uwe Boll. I Think We Should Rectify That And Give Mr. Boll His Fourth Film On Your Site. And While The Three You Have Done Have Been Reviewed To Death By Critics For The Fact That They Were Adaptations Of Video Games That Were Liked, I Decided I Will Let You Do An Original Film From Uwe Boll And One That I Have Not Seen Many Critics Roast, But Perhaps It Is The Most Despicable Of All Of His Films. Seth, For My Final Film In This Summer Of Revenge Torture I Give You……
NO, NO, NO, OH DEAR GOD NO!!!!! YOU (Completely Unitelligible Cursing)