Friday, January 20, 2017

My Top 25 Worst Movies of 2016

As far as movies went, there were more bad movies than good and that is why I am doing a Top 25 Worst Movies List. And I am going to give away the big shocker already. Ghostbusters (which won the 2016 GINO Award in a landslide) is not going to be on this list as I have found so many bad films. Now, here are the movies I thankfully did not see (listed alphabetically).

* Alice Through The Looking Glass
* Allegiant
* Ben Hurr
* Boo! A Madea Halloween
* Collateral Beauty
* Dirty Grandpa
* Get A Job
* Fifty Shades of Black
* Hilary's America (not that it would count as I do not count films that even act like documentaries)
* Ice Age: Collision Course
* Inferno
* Max Steel (only nominated it because it was apparently a horrible movie that was in theaters)
* Mother's Day
* Ride Along 2
* The Brothers Grimsby
* The Choice
* The Sea of Trees
* Vaxed (see Hilary's America)
* Warcraft
* When The Bough Breaks
* Zoolander 2

Now here are the dishonorable mentions (listed alphabetically)

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Forsaken
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Norm of the North

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Satanic

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The Devil's Dolls

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The Phoenix Incident

Now without further ado....here are the Top 25 movies that just legit pissed me off after watching them.

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25. Mike And Dave Need Wedding Dates
Somehow, my mom was able to convince me to watch this movie with her and not only did I hate this film, but my mom fell asleep in the middle of it so I was stuck suffering on my own. I should have known this would suck, but it sucked even more than I had anticipated. None of these characters are likable and they have so many ways to take care of their problems, but don't do it. By the time they all realize their mistakes, it is way too late for me to have any sympathy for any of them and in the end, I kind of wish this wedding didn't happen in the end as the groom deserves way better than to get involved with this shit family. 

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24. Little Dead Rotting Hood
This is the worst film by The Asylum this year and it's funny that this film has the nerve to try to hype up that this stars an actress from that terrible Ouija film (not the awesome prequel). This film has no good actors or actresses and the CGI is just goddamn awful (and you could tell because this film also used real wolves at times along with the fake ones). Oh and this film hides that Eric Balfour is in this (you know, the guy who was a shit lead in Skyline). Oh and some one did the line of calling our undead werewolf killer "Crexy (Crazy Sexy)". I so had to bang my head when I heard that. 

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23. The Pack
Someone somewhere decide to make a home invasion movie with killer dogs and despite the idea of that, it falls into the same trap that many of these home invasion movies fall into where there are no likable victims, plenty of pointless padding, and the ending is unsatisfactory. I'm gonna spoil how they defeat the dogs right here. They kill the main dog and the rest of the dogs run off. And this was done so badly, that I had to rewind it twice to understand what happened. Oh and the family dog that is supposedly dead, it turns out that he was alive and was hiding the entire time. 

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22. The Darkness
I looked at the cast and could not believe the reviews it was getting. Then I saw the film and yeah, the reviews were right about this film being bad. This autistic kid brings stones that cause demons to be in the house. Okay...this kid doesn't know about the demons and the stones kinda look cool with engravings in them. How about have that same kid burn down a wall and not get any discipline? That's stupid. How about the father having a past affair? How about the mother being an alcoholic? How about the older daughter having an eating disorder that goes no where and she hides this in the worse way possible (hiding all of her vomit in plastic containers under her bed)? Why would you have all of this? You know what, I wish the freaking demons take all of them because they all deserve to go. 

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21. Hot Bot
This is unfortunately a case where a great supporting cast gets destroyed by its main cast. The two kids who were are supposed to like are so fucking detestable and so annoying that these kids should no way have happy endings and yet they get them. This was one of the first movies that just irritated me to no end and this was my first worst movie of the year, which I would sadly say a lot this year. Considering where it is now, you can see how bad this year was and the movies were only going to get worse. This is a terrible modern rip-off of Weird Science so just stay away from this, despite what the cast lineup may make you think.

The two titular heroes, Batman and Superman, are confronting each other, with the film's logo behind them, and the film's title, credits, release date and billing below.
20. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice
Yep....I saw this film and yes, I thought it was terrible. I still hate this version of Superman and nothing in this film has changed my opinion about him. In fact, my opinion about this weak ass Superman who needed Batman's fucking help to save his mom despite being fast and having X-Ray Vision. Meanwhile, while Ben Affleck has the voice and demeanor of Bruce Wayne, the actions of this Batman are completely wrong. I dont even think we have to get into Jessie Eisenberg acting more like Joker than Lex Luthor because everyone has harped on that. And Doomsday, who was one of my favorite villains because of the monster he was...he is now what would happen if the a troll from the Lord of the Rings film fucked the Uber-Immortal from 300. Other problems: Jimmy Olsen's death, fucking pee jar, Bruce and Clark getting into a verbal pissing contest, Wonder Woman barely in it...I could be here all day, but I need to move on. 

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19. Quackerz
You wanna know why Norm of the North missed out on my Top 25 worst films? This film is the reason why. Whatever you may say about Norm of the North, a chuckle came once out of me (although I dont remember where). This attempted animated comedy had no laughs for me. Basically a Mandarin duck is not being allowed to leave the city because his father doesn't want him to find out that he is the prophecized one who will save the sun or some bullshit. Meanwhile, these mallard ducks from America show up (who like Kongos' "Come With Me Now"), thinking this is Hawaii and hi-jinks ensue between the two duck groups. Meanwhile, there is this witch who is trying to get the prophecized duck so she can suck out his energy to stay young forever and needs help from two bumbling idiots who are worse than the Wet Bandits. Love shit and betrayals also happen and you get one mess of a movie that I sadly have seen.

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18. Justice League vs. Teen Titans
You know, this may be a shocker but this was better than the last New 52 Justice League movie with Aquaman and his whole story into it. However, this still sucks. The Justice League in these films are as terrible as ever and now we have the Teen Titans, who are made also terrible with dickhead Damian Wayne Robin from the Son of Batman films being forced to be in their ranks by Batman, with the help from Nightwing who has an unexplained past with Starfire (you need to read non-New 52 comics for that shit). Also, they decide to have Robin start to have feelings for Raven. Oh and the battle...um, Trigon is the villain and he has turned the Justice League evil with magic so the Teen Titans with Cyborg defecting to the Teen Titans to help his mind controlled teammates in the Justice League. Oh and Beast Boy and Blue Beetle are also on Teen Titans just dicking around. And the dead Ra's Al Ghul (watch Son of Batman for that whole shit) reveals that he always sided with Trigon as the Lazarus Pit was always created by Trigon. I know most of you are confused, but comic book fans will be steaming watching this and even people who do research on comic book characters like myself will be pissed as well. Trust me, Dawn of Justice was not the worst betrayal of DC Comics Superheroes this year. 

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17. Monkey Up
Remember Russel Mania and me laughing at how enjoyably stupid that was? Well, those people decided to make a movie with talking monkeys and well, take away any of the laugh out loud absurdities to replace them with jokes that make you facepalm. Basically, a acting monkey who thinks he is the hot shit tries to become more than a commercial monkey for an energy drink and wants to try out for an arthouse director (played by a midget, mind you). He gets rejected flat out so he decides he is going to try and be a real person by hiding out with a "normal family", if you consider the father being a deadbeat who is trying to write a book (and failing) and a mom who is working for some business that is trying to create a Christmas spectacular for the mayor (she is high up as well). This makes so many selfie, hashtag, and poop jokes that I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle the monkeys, who are wearing ridiculous clothes (even in the fucking zoo). 

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16. Ratchet and Clank
Ratchet and Clank is the worst of these animated disasters. This movie takes a big shit on the games. Every main character is a dumb ass other than one science person and Clank (and a character I will mention later). Quark is so easily manipulated into turning evil without a second thought because he thinks Ratchet is getting more attention than him. And the villains, oh dear god, the villains. You have Paul Giamatti and Slyvester Stallone sleepwalking through villain roles while the true villain Dr, Nefarious is in organic form (even though he never was in the games) just so they can explain how he became the android we mostly enjoy in the games (except the funny problem with his character where if he gets too emotional, he starts playing dialogue from an intergallactic soap opera). The only positive is John Goodman tries with his character, but he is barely in the movie. 

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15. Cabin Fever remake
I absolutely hate Cabin Fever as the writing is freaking terrible. Unfortunately for as much as I hate the original film, it is better than this freaking remake that NO ONE was asking for. The acting in this film is worse and the writing for this film (which is mostly the same script) is worse. And the only different thing with party cop is that it is a woman, but basically the dialogue is the same for this character. The only good thing I can say about this piece of crap film is that the ending is better as the horrible cover up is revealed. 

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14. Weaponized
An action movie with a very politicized angle. This film begins with a father has to hear his son die on phone from The Pentagon which gets blown up in a terrorist attack (did they really need to repeat that). Then we get this same father, with help from a man in a wheel chair who wants to be able to walk again (that guy is killed later), creating a weapon that allows soldiers to mind control other people to commit murders of opponents of an upcoming weapons plan, which is basically this weapon. Our main character is completely lifeless as a detective caught into this shit and this film shows our military as completely evil with a self-righteous morale. Oh and the robot shows up in the end of the film.

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13. Independence Day: Resurgence
I loved the original film a lot. But unfortunately, a long time has passed when a sequel would be something to look forward to. However, that didn't stop Roland Emmerich from going back to the well for this after having his last two films completely have zero success. He hyped up this film being a return of the cast, but it immediately becomes a lie as Will Smith and Margaret Colin saw this would be crap and turned it down. So how they get around those two important characters is to kill their characters off off-screen (Will's character in a flight test crash and Margaret's character in a barely mentioned car crash). And the replacement characters are given by actors so horrible that it takes away the enjoyment. You also get to see other returning characters killed off in completely pointless ways. This film seems to have so much hatred for the fans of the original and basically feel like they once again feel their now vision is better than the past vision (like their vision of Godzilla). 

Against a backdrop of Egyptian pyramids, an ensemble cast of Egyptian gods and humans on differing scales pose.
12. Gods of Egypt
I am someone who is a fan of Egyptian mythology and this film...completely shits all over that for a complete mess of a film. The CGI is terrible and the acting is just as bad (despite having good actors). Basically, Horus is gonna be named King when Set comes in and decides to take the throne himself, killing Osiris and ripping one eye off of Horus. Unfortunately, Horus is not our main character as we mostly have to spend most of this film with a slave boy (who is in love with a woman who dies) as he tries to help Horus. In some of the shit is a space boat with Ra and a lackie god for Set being a god from a different place than Egypt (this mythology from another place shit also happened in the Clash of the Titans remake). And most of those characters killed get brought back to life at the end for whatever reason (except for Osiris and Isis from the beginning, just because). This film would be way higher...if I was not laughing so hard at its failures through a lot of it. 

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11. The Driftless Area
Another reason why I wish to remember Anton Yelchin for Green Room is so I can extinguish the boring and non-sensical crap that is The Driftless Area. This film is about a man who sees a ghost of a woman (played by Zooey Deschanel who wants him to help her get revenge for her death by some criminal. That may be fine, but unfortunately other people (including Anton's sister, who shouldn't be able to) see her so you wonder if they completely forgot she died. Probably the worst actor for me is John Hawkes, who is our main villain despite being always a lackey, as he completely is horrible and doesn't even bother to care about who his character is. Basically a complete attempt to be an Oscar bait, but gets sucked up its own ass with pretentiousness. 

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10. The Faith of Anna Waters aka The Offspring
On the outside, this seems like an standard terrible possession type film, but this is a rare film that decides to fail in something extra. The reveal of "Singapore's first Hollywood supernatural feature" has the reveal that a possessed woman decided to hack computers and make a video where she herself kills herself and brings herself back to live so people who are legit terminally sick will commit suicide in hopes of curing themselves. I am not shitting you in that. Unfortunately, most of the movie is so boring and also disjointed that the sheer absurdity of the final reveal cannot save this film from being one of the worst movies I have seen this year. Oh and the so called Anna Waters this title talks about? Yeah, that character is the first person who commits suicide in the very beginning of the film and the film's main character is really her sister. 

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9. 31
Dammit Rob Zombie, stop making the same movie where everyone needs to curse every minute. This film where the 31 is a game that rips off Running Man, where the only reason it is called 31 is these people do every Halloween (October 31st). Every one in this film is made to look like trailer park trash, which seems to be Rob's only way of writing characters. Oh and all of the killers are some kind of "head" like Doom Head, Sick Head, Sex Head, Death Head, etc. This film feels so unoriginal and of course, the one last girl is Rob Zombie's wife, who may be attractive in a trashy way, but she really cannot act as a lead. There is so much other stupid shit like the three bosses of the games betting with fucking doubloons for no reason. After the game is over, those three take off their stupid ass powder wig looks and become normal people. Oh and despite the game being over, it ends with the last surviving girl meeting with the last of the Heads who may want to kill her despite the game being over. This film also has that terrible film tint as well that makes it look like shit. 

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8. Invoked
Hello worst found footage movie of 2016. It is basically a bunch of friends with cameras everywhere going to an abandoned hostel (thankfully no torture porn is here) and playing Oujia (the game, not the movie...and not even a real version of the game) there so it should come to no surprise when fucking ghosts show up. Unfortunately, this film has too much shakey cam and every character likes to be so terrible and scream at EVERYTHING....except when someone is coming at them to kill them. This film is probably one of the biggest waste of time and I want you to understand that you will have a major headache at the end of this film. The only saving grace is that I had to somewhat remember what happened in this film, but once I did....oh boy the horrors returned.

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7, Ghost Team
You might be wondering why a film called Ghost Team that is in my bottom 10 was not a GINO Award nominee? For that, I'll explain it to you like this: there are NO GHOSTS. Now let me explain. Two guys (one of them being Napoleon Dynamite himself) are fans of those Ghost Hunter shows and sees a competition to be on the show, but they need to film their exploits into the ghost hunting business so they decide to get a makeshift team of annoying shitheads to look for ghosts from a guy who wanted signs to keep away from a run down building that he casually says is haunted. The big reveal: The house was never haunted and instead was a location of an underground meth lab, led by the guy who casually said it was haunted. Yep....that's it. Once again, none of these characters are likable (except the lead girl, maybe) and it makes me smile once again to people who liked Napoleon Dynamite, thinking that Jon Heder was gonna be something special, while in my opinion, Jon Heder has and it seems like always will.....suck. 

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6. The Curse of Sleeping Beauty
As you can guess by the title, Sleeping Beauty is the villain ultimately. But for some reason, this film tries to trick you by having a demon, djinn, and other people being assholes. This film is also extremely boring and I had to take two days to watch this film. While this woman is supposed to be the Sleeping Beauty (whose name is Briar Rose), I kind of think the realtor is a bit more attractive and unfortunately for this "Sleeping Beauty", she is made uglier by the wait make-up on her face. And in the end, the sleeping beauty....causes the fucking apocalypse and the demon and djinn were trying to stop it from happening. This tends to be a film that seems to have one idea, but went for the Vince Russo like twist, without the twist making sense. 

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5. Home
I feel bad as Heather Langenkamp is in this film and she is good for her role. Unfortunately, everyone else including Samantha Mumba sucked. Basically the plot is this ultra-Christian daughter is not happy that her mom has now come out as gay and has married Samantha Mumba's character with Mumba's character having a little girl of her own. Mumba's character is a complete athiest (I guess) because anytime the christian daughter prays at the dinner table, she has issues with it. So anyway, the ultra-Christian gets late from picking up her step-sister from school and gets yelled at when she someone comes home thanks to their next door neighbor teacher. That night, ghostly shit happens and the ultra-Christian and her boyfriend have to exorcise the ghost, but the step-sister is gone. Then it gets ultimately revealed that the little girl was the ghost all along as she had fallen off the roof of her school (how she got their who knows). That might have been an okay twist, if the fucking DVD poster and promotional tag line didnt fucking spoil that from the very beginning. This sucked a lot and the only reason it wasnt more hated than #4 was because they could have a small excuse of a problem with marketing vs. producing. 

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4. Battle For Skyark
This ended up being my original worst movie of 2016 and I said if this movie ended up not #1, then god help me. Well, considering this finished in #4, you can know the pain I went through this year. In narration, it is revealed that there was a place called Skyark made for the rich and everyone else was left on Earth where mutants would kill most of them. Unfortunately, all of the people are kids and some kid wakes up outside of Skyark, becoming our protagonist and immediately starts off accidentally getting the Earth kids' leader taken by the mutants. Afterwards, he leaves, meets another kid who admires him, meets a girl who he likes from the Earth kids who is pissed at him for leaving since all of the other kids got taken and more mutants are around. Basically, it is revealed the big mutant is the Earth Kids' past leader who was taken and it was revealed that they were taken and turned to mutants. After defeating the mutants, they reveal that they are ready to head to Skyark and then the movie ends. So yes, in the Battle For Skyark, they never get to Skyark ever. 
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3. Demon Tongue
This film then took the worst movie of the year and I will admit, this movie has the worst acting of all the movie....including one actress who is just has no emotion for anything. And the worst part...that non-acting girl...was the one who got possessed. Basically, they go to a place that once was some restaurant, but got burned down and its remains are now some park. The non-acting girl gets possessed and the others in this team to investigate this place get killed one by one. Basically one girl comes out on top over the possessed, gets possessed herself, and she kills a passer-by. The rare CGI is godawful and in the biggest shocker, the demon tongue in the title....only shows up once. This movie is completely boring as well. But why this was worse than Battle For Skyark is at least those kids (who were definately younger than these actors) could act circles around these adults. 

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2. Andron: The Black Labyrinth
Once again, I thought Demon Tongue would be the worst of the year, but then Andron: The Black Labyrinth is seen by me. This movie is a legit ripoff of Hunger Games/Maze Runner, but this film had so many twists that made no sense and just happened until I eventually completely got lost in this movie so I cannot give you a rundown of this film other than these kids are part of some game that is all part of dealing with overpopulation as not only are the people having their lives on the line, but people are betting on these people with their lives on the line so if the "contestant", the person betting dies (never reveals what happens to those who won).  Alec Baldwin and Danny Glover are also in this film as bad guy puppet masters who barely interact with other characters so you can tell they only had a few days work. Now despite my opinion of Alec Baldwin being one of the most overrated actors in Hollywood, even he deserves so much better than to be in this shit film. 

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1. Cell
I remember hearing about this movie upcoming years ago and I couldn't wait for it as I was a huge fan of the book as the book really took down people being on their cellphones all the time and answering any phone call for no reason. Then in 2016, this film was given a limited release and a video on-demand one as well and the bad reviews came in immediately. I remember many people whose opinion I listened to hated this film and I was still a bit optimistic because plenty of those people also dont think Stephen King books go well into film (mostly have good reason for it). Also Jon Cusack and Samuel L. Jackson are in it and they did well in Apartment 1303 so it can't be that bad. You would be dead wrong. Someone decided to completely take so much of what made the book good and turn the movie into your run of the mill zombie film (that pretended to be better than that). They changed the ending to a miserable ending instead of one that had some hope in it and in probably one of the biggest middle fingers, had the phone people play the troll-la-la-la song as they were on the ground "recharging". I know technically other films were worse, but this is also based on personal opinion so since I loved this book, and this film completely told book fans to fuck off so badly, this gets #1. I will be meeting Jon Cusack at Monster Mania in Cherry Hill and when I do, I will not even try to mention this film because it isn't worth mentioning. 

So that is it for most of 2016. But next Saturday, I will be inducting the film you voted for in a landslide as the 2016 GINO Award winner and while it did not even come close to making the list.

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It Definitely Still Sucks. 

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