Saturday, January 16, 2016

My Top 20 Worst Films of 2015

Well, I just talked about my favorite films of 2015 so now let's get into the misery that is the worst 20 films of 2015. Now before I continue, there are many bad films that I didn't see because honestly...I didn't feel like it so here are the films I missed.

* 50 Shades Of Grey
* Aloha
* Entourage
* Fantastic Four
* Fifty Shades of Gray
* Hitman: Agent 47
* Hot Pursuit
* Jem & The Holograms
* Mortdecai
* Old Fashioned
* Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension
* Paul Blart: Mop Cop 2
* Ricki & The Flash
* Taken 3
* Terminator: Genisys
* The Boy Next Door
* The Cobbler
* The Forger
* The Gallows
* The Human Centipede 3 (Final Sequence)
* United Passions
* Unsullied
* Vacation
* War Room

So with all those thankful misses out of the way, let's do the dishonorable mentions aka the 5 films that just lucked out of being in the Top 20 worst in alphabetical order.

And we start off with a zombie film that was boring as fuck. A virus turns people into zombies so people think that if they go to a snow-covered town, they are safe because if they do...the zombies will freeze to death. But as you know, these zombies somehow evolve in an attempt to survive the cold, which I could say no shit that was going to happen. But that of course happens in the beginning and the zombies are in the background as we talk more about these two men (played by Matthew Fox and Jeffrey Donovan) who are brothers and are dealing with raising a daughter of one of their dead wives. And of course their is a bullshit twist involving who the father of this girl is that makes you just act like "Really, movie?"

Gun Woman
I heard a lot of praise for fans of Asian horror, but with a bad reception and a bad grade from IMDB, I just was curious to see if it was good or bad.....and it was pretty fucking bad. The acting is fucking terrible and it gets even worse when the villain of this film (who barely appears) attempts to be the head Voltaire Aro from the Twilight series. This film tries to make up for this bad acting and terrible script with nudity and gore including a naked woman hiding guns in her breasts and bullets in her legs. In the middle before the final scenes, we get loads and loads of torture porn as this teacher tries to train this girl (who he abducted) to help him get revenge for the death of his wife who the villain killed and then fucked afterwards (because he is a necrophilia rapist). Just a poor Japanese erotic action film.

Justice League: Throne of Atlantis
The worst DC animated film I have ever seen. The characters in this film are all completely unlikable and moronic. The villain is a whiny bitch who is sad that is father died and wants to take it out on the surface world, even though the guy responsible for his father's death due causing to an underwater volcano eruption was killed in the last movie. Oh and even worse, his mother who is against this world tells him this and he still says the surface world is still responsible even though like mentioned, the guy who killed his father was against the surface world. The bullshit that this villain does to start this shit is just mind boggling. Black Manta (a villain who is sorta working with the main villain, but has an objective of his own) reveals his ulterior plans and then gets eaten by a shark like a bitch. Man, you would think he was Samuel L. Jackson from Deep Blue Sea. And the good guys, they are beyond useless. If this is what the New 52 comics are like, count me out.

The Lazarus Effect
Olivia Wilde deserves way better than this stupid film that commits one of the biggest sins in trying to act intelligent. Basically, Olivia's character gets accidentally killed in a failed experiment where they try to bring back the dead so of course, scientist dumbass decides to bring her back to life because she was his love interest.  But it turns out that you really shouldn't bring back someone from the dead, especially when that person turns out to have killed someone. Yep....Olivia Wilde comes back as a demon and starts killing everyone. Despite all the mistakes, the scientists still try to fix it instead of killing her until they have no choice but to try and kill her. I really hate when a film is stupid and then tries to be smart and preach at the same fucking time.

A direct to DVD film that rips off the plot of Westworld, but sleazy. Could be a good idea where a company creates clones in a virtual world for people to do whatever they want to them (like murder) and be brought back the next day as if nothing happened. Someone who has a conscience for these clones decides to give one of them memory of their past so the clone goes on a journey to attempt to get the other clones to realize what has been going on. Both Thomas Jane and Bruce Willis are obviously doing this for a paycheck and don't even try. Ambyr Childers, the woman who they try to make this film about, is way out of her element in this film. Honestly, I would rather watch Westworld than this sanctimonious pile of garbage. Bottom line is Bruce Willis needs to not be in these direct to DVD films and if he is, don't be one of the reasons these films suck.

Now it is time to start revealing the 20 films of this year that I am not going to recommend to anyone.

20. The Loft
This film took four years to be released and it is definitely one of those that have had these release problems because the film isn't that good. It's a murder mystery where every suspect is an unlikable douche who deserves to be busted by their wives. Yeah, this whole loft is basically where the 5 of them can take their mistresses so they can have sex with them. One of the things that is supposed to make a sleazy film is the women (even the mistresses) are supposed to be somewhat attractive and none of them are. And the ending....well, a few of them are actually rewarded for their transgressions, only one of them goes to jail, and only one of them is dead. This is a male fantasy that ultimately can't even satisfy most of the male viewers because of how boring it is and how despicable it is. Hopefully, most men aren't like any of these douchebags.

19. Hot Tub Time Machine 2
Oh dear god...this film really needed John Cusack to return as the straight man. Otherwise, you get every character (including the one they try to replace him with) be annoying in their despicability. I cannot fathom the same writer and director from the first one, made this film. This is the perfect example of a film that never should have had a sequel as everyone learns their lesson at the end of the first one, but since the first one did well....a sequel was required. Oh and this film seems to have wanted their to be a third film, but it doesn't look like their will be one as this film bombed at the box office. The only moment that kind of got me a laugh was Christian Slater hosting the most disgusting game show ever.

18. The Pact 2
The original Pact was actually a surprising film for me as I didn't hear great things about it, but it was actually good in my mind and I actually liked the twist. The first one makes you think their is a supernatural evil force out there, but the supernatural force turns out to be good and someone who is still alive is the monster. So what does the sequel do? The killer who dies in the first movie is teased to be the supernatural killer and the character that we rooted for in the first film to survive this film, is killed off for a character, who is acted by someone not as good. Also we get someone being a copycat killer, who is only doing this because the killer wants him to convince his girlfriend to continue his killings. And then we get a stupid ass ending that tries to set up a third film, but I hope to god that NEVER happens. Just leave well enough alone.

17. Hangar 10
This is going to be the first of several found footage movies that will be on this list because sadly, found footage movies these days need to get the most unlikable actors out there. If you have seen the poster, you should know the funniest thing to note which is the lead character is a enthusiast for metal detectors, but he is a guy who basically is very unbelieving of supernatural stuff and makes up the worst explanations for when things happen. Then we have the videographer friend of his girlfriend be a complete douche who gets them all caught up in going to this area of an actual incident so all the bad shit that happens to them is this fucker's fault (he also bought military weapons illegally as well so fuck this guy).  Then we have the girlfriend who is just freaking there. This movie was boring and at the end, it got freaking annoying with the damn sounds. I don't plan on ever seeing this movie again and this may also be one of the few movies that I had to look up to remember what happened.
16. The Last House On Cemetery Lane
Unlike The Pact, this is a movie that fails with the idea of supernatural being, but live person is a killer. This film is so freaking textbook and you could tell every twist before it freaking happens. The acting is terrible and the script is just booooring. Every moment of this film, I found myself looking at my watch waiting for when the next shit happens. And the main character knew there was a woman upstairs as the retailer told him that, but he thinks NOTHING of this whole thing even though that lady is suspicious as fuck. I'm sorry, but if you want to get out of the big city so you can have peace and quiet, the LAST thing you are going to do is buy a house with someone else living in it as well, even if the retailer says they won't bother you. The love story is forced and the whole film is proved pointless as despite what happens, nothing changes.

15. Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death
I was coaxed into watching this movie by someone who liked the first Woman in Black film (despite the fact I told her that film was a remake and the real original was better) because hey, I like horror. I'm going to get this out of the way right now, this film BORED the piss out of me. It used jump scares way too much and all of them jump scares did was keep me from falling completely asleep due to the damn noise. Not once was I scared of this woman in black nor did I care what the hell happened as none of the characters are interesting whatsoever. Oh, I should be concerned about the kids in the film getting The kids that got killed were complete bullies and got what was coming to them. And the dumbest thing, they decide to tell the same Woman in Black backstory again as if it is something new. Just don't watch this bore....even if you somehow like the first one like the person who coaxed me into watching this did.

14. Pixies
Well, it is time for my most hated animated film of 2015. Writer/Director/Producer/Star of this film Sean Patrick O'Reilly tries to cheaply make a cash-in animated film. And surprisingly, he is able to get some famous people to voice this film like Oscar Winner Christopher Plummer, Alexa Vega (who really is in this as her husband Carlos PenaVega is in it as well) and Bill Paxton. The animation in this is beyond terrible and the script for this film is just insulting. I am going to quote a line that was made in the final act of this film right here so here it is. "This is going to go viral. No, better...this is going to go anti-biotic." Yes, that is a line in this piece of shit movie. Despite what Stan Lee says, do not watch this unless you are someone who reviews shitty animated movies (looking at you Raymond Gallant at Toon Crap. Cheap plug)

13. The Coven
This is one of those films where every character is irritating as all hell. Basically some teenage girls go to the woods on Halloween because they were told about this story of a group of Wiccans disappearing years ago. Basically they learn some of the most stupid reveals ever like the first letter in their first names all spell LUCIFER. Oh and the teacher that told them this tale has the name of Mrs. Belial, which should have been the least bit suspicious. Yeah, turns out Mrs. Belial is evil (what a shock?) and the dumbass teens are there because the devil needs more people in hell (I'm not kidding). Oh and the nursery rhyme is stupid so of course they keep doing it. I really don't think I can talk more about this film without watching it again and fuck that shit.

12. Ghoul
A found footage movie from the Czech Republic (the second found footage movie not from the US as Hangar 10 was made in the UK). Ghoul is about a group of Americans who come to the Czech Republic because of stories of widespread cannibalism that happened during the famine in the 1930s. They decide they want to do some séances with some very shady characters around and of course summon the spirit of a cannibal. Basically this film really has no idea what it wants to be about and the final product shows the complete confusion. Every Czech actor they have in this film acts completely out there and it just gets to the point where you are just telling these characters to go somewhere else for your story. Of course they don't and you just face palm your head when they do the séance and now they can't escape. Many of these found footage movies really were on the boring side and this was one of them, when they aren't doing something that insults the audience intelligence.
11. Devil's Backbone, Texas
This film was directed by the son of the guy who went on Unsolved Mysteries and talked about his property known as Devil's Backbone being a bit haunted. So what does his son do, try to rip off Blair Witch Project and have the character who plays his son (because the actual son would rather direct) disrespect his dad in every way possible, calling his dad mental and basically saying he was an embarrassment. Heck, in the story, this son is doing this film so he can disprove his dad's stories. So of course fictionally, this thing does exist and thankfully the characters get fucked. But truthfully, I found this whole boring film to be extremely exploitive of something his old man went to his grave believing. Maybe I am wrong and the guy wanted to really keep his dad's beliefs alive, but that wasn't the way I saw it.

10. Archivo 253
Dear god....this was the worst of the foreign found footage films. This film was so boring with so much bullshit going on. All of the characters are definately "amateur". In fact, the whole film was made amateurish. The dialogue was beyond atrocious and if you have a red-green color blindness, you are fucked because most of this film is in green "night-light" filter. I swear to god that several times in this film, I had to rewind this because something happened and I have no idea what and then had to rewind it again because it still made no fucking sense. You can of course find it on Netflix, but you better get your caffeine ready because this film is going to test your patience with useless shit. I should name this film the worst of the year, but I am not going to give this film the satisfaction of being that. Instead, it is going to stay at 10 because hopefully, that will keep this film from being watched for curiosity reasons.

9. Pixels
Adam Sandler and friends screw up arcade games. You have some of the most insulting casting, like Kevin James playing the president (who can't read). You have Adam Sandler playing the Gary Stu character that he always does. He is obnoxious as hell and still gets the girl in the end. You have Josh Gad be just.....disgusting. And oh lord help me, the things they get wrong on old video games makes me believe that this cast and crew have never played video games in their goddamn lives. If you want to see this premise, done well.....go watch the Futurama episode that is based on this very idea. And while we could get Matt Frewer to return as Max Headroom for one scene, we couldn't get the real Toru Iwatami to help them against Pac-Man. Sad thing is while this film gets plenty of Razzie nominations, it is NOT the worst film Sandler and friends have done this year.

8. Poltergeist (remake)
The original film is a terrifying film that uses slight of hand tricks, practical effects, and anticipation for its scares while this remake use CGI and jump scares for its scares. It's almost a complete copy and paste remake except instead of a family we hope survives, we get completely grating characters; and instead of effects that you can see are there, you get CGI that you know the people are just reacting to nothing. Unfortunately, this film made its budget back so the studio will somewhat consider this film a success. I wish I liked this film like I did the original because finding a good remake out of all the crap these days is like finding a diamond in a mound of shit, but this is not that diamond and instead is just another lump of shit.

7. The Culling
Can we just eliminate that word from existence because NOTHING that ever comes out of that is entertaining in any way? No? Shit...well, let's just get to this film. A bunch of teens going on a road trip and are hungry so they go into town, where they are upset that a local restaurant has the temerity to close when they should close. So somehow they find a lost girl and try to do one honorable thing in getting her home, but instead of getting her home and just leaving (because their job is done), they stay because the parents aren't home and then they still stay even when the parents come home, instead of getting to a show that they are desperate to get to on time. Of course the girl turns out to be evil and we get CGI black smoke that looks freaking awful. Thankfully, that's all I remember about this film because if I remembered any more, this film might be even higher (or in the case of this list, lower) on my list. Moving on...

6. The Chosen
You know, when the star you have chosen to advertise for this crap film is just a YouTube personality, you know you are in deep trouble. Sad thing is, this film had a GREAT idea that could be done seriously as a malevolent spirit has haunted a child and the only way to get this spirit from taking away the child is to offer it a replacement of 5 souls from your bloodline. Yes, you have to sacrifice 5 people in your own family to end the curse on someone who you know is totally innocent and only got cursed because of bad fucking luck. But unfortunately, this film has terrible acting and once again, the CGI is bloody awful. I hate having to put films that have potential (and a lot of it) in my bottom list, but this film squanders that much of its potential and just makes for something god awful.

5. Robot Overlords
Sadly, this is going to be a multi-media franchise because if this film is any indication, this should end right here. Yes, they got a shit ton of money to get Sir Ben Kingsley and Gillian Anderson to have their names attached to this, but they also have not enough money for good teenage actors and good CGI as the other stars suck and the CGI for the robots are bad. Basically, robots of some alien civilization have taken over Earth and they ask (with the fakest child I have ever seen (even though it's a real kid)) that the earthlings just stay indoors at night, but of course they just want all the Earthlings knowledge (which they will kill for) and some stupid ass kid somehow gets unexplained powers that control the robots. This movie is full of so many deus ex machine crap, a bad script, and bad acting from everyone but the two people who are famous, that I cannot enjoy this film. Please England, do not make any more of these films.

4. Roboshark
This is one of the worst "Made for SyFy" movies I have seen in years. It initially sounds fine, but the characters and the actors playing this kills this fucking movie. There are so many times where I yelled at this movie "why are you doing this" or "that wouldn't happen". Instead of interesting characters, we get every character talking about twitter, facebook, instagram, and every other stupid internet lingo in imagination. One of the most facepalming moments is the revelation that Roboshark has a twitter page that is following the teen girl hacker character and that is how they can communicate with the monster. Our main female character is a person who is forced to be a weatherperson who is forced to wear stupid get-ups while doing the weather to embarrass herself. Let me explain a few news station would do that shit because 1) it would get old and 2) no person who actually is a proper news person would do that. There is more stupid shit, but we have other films to get to so let me just say: fuck this movie.

3. The Walking Deceased
If you think Seltzer/Friedberg are the worst when it comes to parody movies, see a movie like this. This is of course a parody of the Walking Dead TV Show, with for some reason parodies of Shawn of the Dead and the forgettable Warm Bodies. We have the main character who gets in a coma because his son accidentally hit him with a baseball and he is completely moronic while trying to stay gruff which all it does is irritate me when he talks. The son who caused the coma starts running a strip club with his mom as one of the strippers after the zombie apocalypse occurs. He is so moronic that he plenty of times he mistakes people who are fine for zombies and kills them (causing plenty of PCD: Pointless Child Death). He even kills people who have turned normal after being cured of the zombie plague because he is that fucking stupid and yes, he is still their leader. Oh and the biggest slap in the face, the cure is in the water so they squirt people with water and they are cured. This was for a month the worst movie I've seen, but then I saw #1 and that changed it.

2. The Ridiculous 6
Yes, this is the worse Adam Sandler film that I was talking about. I remember hearing about this and originally wanting to pass, but then my friend talked about it and he said he couldn't get passed 10 minutes so being the movie masochist that I am and a person who actually likes westerns, I decided to give it a view. Well, I saw the whole thing and my friend can sleep at night knowing that the movie doesn't get any better after the first 10 minutes. Adam Sandler plays a white guy who has been raised by Native Americans and he is made a Gary Stu character (of course) who has mystical powers that he can grab out of his ass. Rob Schneider plays a half Mexican who has a donkey (his burro) that does shit jokes and we have several stunt casting to insulting parody famous people from the late 1800s that go longer than they should be. There is a scene with Abner Doubleday that takes dear god.......I don't know how long, but I was on my knees, begging this shit to end as it more than wasted its welcome and I was ecstatic when it finally ended. You want to see Adam Sandler and his friends give less of a shit for a movie, go watch this.......actually, fuck that. Don't watch this movie under any circumstances and the fact this movie got the most views of Netflix history is sad.

1. Beyond
For every movie that has been shown here and bashed upon, there is one thing they all do better than #1. When they say something is going to happen, they do at least once show it happening. This movie says that an alien invasion is occurring and not once do you ever see the aliens or even the spaceship they are invading on (no idea where they got that spaceship on the poster from). Instead, we get a terrible love story that is the focus. The actors in this film are not that good of course and you are just yelling at this film to show, not tell with the aliens. In fact, here is how this works....there are scenes where the aliens are attacking earth, but we only see the characters tell us what happens and relationship that has fallen off (even though we never know what happens). We get someone explaining they are talking to the aliens over the radio, but all we here is fucking static so we know this person who is "talking to the aliens" is just nuts. And in the ultimate kick to the balls, the whole strained relationship and aliens is all just a dream of the main character because at some point, he got shot by his friend who turns on him. I wish I was making all of this up, but that is what happens with this film and thus I am forced to make it #1 for that reason.

Well, now that I have named the worst films I have seen in 2015, I think it is time for me to say that I am going to see a film that I didn't see yet, but it is the film plenty of you saw and because of that, it is the 2015 GINO Award Winner so next time we do this, we will be doing our first induction of 2016, which will be....


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