Saturday, January 2, 2016

Monster Crap: 2015 GINO Award Poll is a new year and with that new year, we here at Monster Crap must decide what film was the worst film with a monster in the last year. We have 16 films of the year with most of them being films that were in theaters sprinkled with films that are so bad in my mind that they must be included. Lord help me if you pick some of these films as the winner.

Archivo 253
Crappy Found Footage Films Aren’t Just Only In America As This Complete Pile Of Garbage Can Attest. This Film Is So Lazy That You Will Struggle With Your Eyelids To Make To The Very Predictable End.

Fantastic Four
Fox Really Needs To Give These Comic Book Characters Back To Marvel Because If This Film And Past Efforts Have Proved, They Have No Idea How To Bring These Characters To The Silver Screen With This Terrible Production.

Hot Tub Time Machine 2
The First Hot Tub Time Machine Was Enjoyable Comedy, Which Was Completely Unexpected. So A Sequel Was Obvious, But The Sequel Doesn’t Have A Straight Man And This Film NEEDS A Straight Man. Otherwise, We Have A Film That Has Everyone Being An Asshole.

Jem And The Holograms
Hollywood Decided To Adapt A Beloved 80s Cartoon (Even If I Am Not One Of Them) And Instead Of Being True To The Cartoon, They Decided To Do Everything They Could To Betray The Cartoon Fans So They Could Do Just A Generic Teen Film.

 Jupiter Ascending
Damn Wachowski Siblings…You Attempt To Make A Sci-Fi Epic And Instead You Make A Confounding Mess With Terrible Acting, Laughable Dialogue, A Plot That Repeats Itself And Turning An Actor Who Would Win An Oscar For Best Actor That Same Year Into An Overacting Laugh.

Aliens Invading Earth With Pixels From Arcade Games Back In The Day...How Can Something That Was Done Great In A Futurama Episode And Was Done Great In A Short, Be Made So Terrible With A Full Length Feature? Blame Adam Sandler And Friends In Happy Madison.

Poltergeist (remake)
The Original Film Is A Classic That Used Practical Effects With Anticipation For Scares And Great Acting. The Remake Tries To Do What The Original Does, But With CGI And Characters Who Are Downright Detestable.

There Is No Official Poster For This Film So You'll Have To Go With The Picture That Netflix Gives You Going Into This Film. An Alien Machine Getting Eaten By A Shark Turns The Shark Into A Cyborg Killing Machine…Sounds Like An Awesome Idea. Too Bad That The Film Is Also Jammed With Terrible Actors, Characters, And Forced Technology Moments Like Roboshark Having A Twitter Page

Robot Overlords
Britain Had An Idea For A Multi-Media Franchise And Even Paid Top Dollar To Bring In Ben Kingsley And Gillian Anderson For The Film, But What Happens Is The Film Sucks And Those Two Stars Are Wasted With Terrible Teenager Acting Around Them And Terrible Plot Points.

Russell Madness
Oh Dear God Did I Laugh My Ass Off So Many Times At This Film. Here We Have A Dog Who Becomes A Wrestler With A Talking Monkey (That Everyone Can Hear) And Basically Would Make Wrestle Crap Have So Much Material. Yeah, This Is A So Bad, It Is Good Film.

Strange Magic
George Lucas Wrote An Animated Karaoke Musical Very Loosely Based On A Shakespeare Play. Just Think About That. The Man Who Created Star Wars Wanted To Make A Cartoon With Songs And Shakespeare. Too Bad The Animation Sucks And The Songs Were Butchered As Hell. Oh And The Poster Only Has Two Things That Could Be Considered Important Characters.

The Chosen
Children Are Being Cursed By A Demon And The Only Way To Save Them Is To Sacrifice 5 Members Of Your Bloodline As An Exchange. This Actually Sounds Like Something That Could Create Great Emotion As This Is A Hard Decision And You May Not Know Which Person To Pick. Too Bad Annoying Characters Kill This.

The Culling
Annoying Teens Come To Town And Are Furious That A Restaurant Has The Gall To Close For The Night. They Then Find A Girl Who Is Lost And Take Her Home, Then Stay There Despite Strange Noises And Creepy Dolls. Will You Care? Most Definitely Not.

The Gallows
Kid Gets Hanged In An Accident At A School Play Involving A Real Gallows. No Wonder This Kid’s Ghost Is Pissed When The School Decides Years Later To Redo This Play. Oh And Since It Is Found Footage, Expect Every Character To Be Detestable And The Cameras To Be Shaky

The Lazurus Effect
Hey, It’s Scientists Who Want To Play God By Bringing People Back To Life And Bad Things Happen To Them. What A Surprise? This Film Is Completely Forgettable While Trying To Attempt To Act Smart, When Let’s Be Honest…It Isn’t That Smart.

 The Ridiculous 6
This Only Gets Added Because Of The Mystic Shit Adam Sandler’s Gary Stu Character As He Can Turn Into Things. With Stunt Casting To Do Terrible Renditions Of Real People And The Need To Do Sophomoric All Over The Place, This Film Proves That The Netflix Made A Bad Deal With Adam Sandler For These Straight To Netflix Films

The Seventh Son
You Can Tell This Film Went Through Delays Upon It’s Release As This Is A Complete Mess, Despite Big Names Like Jeff Bridges And Julianne Moore. And Yes, It Basically Butchers It’s Source Material (The Spook’s Apprentice) So It Can Tell A Rather Generic Story With Crappy CGI.

The Walking Deceased
The Walking Dead Is A Huge TV Series Right Now So Of Course, It Was Eventually Get A Spoof. Sadly This Is A Terrible Spoof That Tries To Add Other Zombie Films Along With It And All Of It Is Done So Terribly That You Just Groan The Entire Time Watching It.

Poll ends 1/9/16 at 12 AM

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