Saturday, January 29, 2011

Monster Crap/ToonCrap Special Inductee: Moonwalker

Monster Crap/Toon Crap Special: Moonwalker
Seth & FSin Take On The Late King Of Pop


Seth: Kids……I loved the King of Pop Michael Jackson when I was a kid. I enjoyed his music videos like Black or White or Thriller or one more obscure one….

Do You Remember The Time…….When We Fell In Love, Do You Remember…….

FSin: Oh for the love of…….please stop singing.

Seth: Forgotten Sin from Toon Crap…..what are you doing here???

FSin: I honestly don’t……..wait. What are you inducting??

Seth: Well, I was going to go into more detail but I am doing Michael Jackson’s film (or what you could call a film) Moonwalker.

FSin: Of course you were, because I was going to do the same thing.

Seth: So???

FSin: You are telling me that you have been doing this longer than me and you yet don’t know one of the rules to being a crapper.

Seth: What rules??

FSin: Jeez……you remember Highlander?

Seth: Yes, that was one of my favorite films.

FSin: Well, like there are rules to being an immortal, there are also rules to being a crapper.

Seth: I see…..

FSin: And one of those rules is if two crappers are reviewing the same movie at the same time, they have to review it together.

Seth: But I like reviewing movies on my own.

FSin: So do I, but if we ever want to get out of this mess, we have to do this one together.

Seth: But what if I don’t want to???

FSin: Look outside…

*Seth looks outside*

Seth: What the hell is that???

FSin: It is a void. It makes sure we can’t escape doing this until we are done.

Seth: Aw man………….okay, to make this less difficult, you do a part and I do a part.

FSin: Sounds reasonable to me….

Seth: Okay, you do the intro and the first half and I will do the second half and the aftermath.

FSin: Wait, why do I have to do the first half?

Seth: Because the first half has that silly little cartoon, which is to me the only reason you would be doing this film.

FSin: Good point…

Seth: Alright, so I will shut up and let you have the first half of this induction.

Ah, the 80's. Truly the era of champagne wishes, and caviar dreams. Not to mention the decade where Michael Jackson became an absolute phenomenon. Literally anything the man touched turned to gold. He conquered MTV, the billboard charts, and the music world. But there's one thing he hadn't touched yet, the movies.

Well, okay, he was in the Wiz, but you know what I mean.

With MJ's popularity at it's peak, it was time to bring him to the big screen with Moonwalker. Was it any good? Well, we wouldn't be talking about it now, would we? It's a 90 minute mix of egotism, insanity, and nonsense.

So let's not waste any more time. Let's review this thing.

We open our film at a live concert. Lighters ablaze, and a crowd pumped at the sight of the Lone Gloved God, the Musical Monarch, the high and mighty king of pop himself....

Michael Jackson!

Michael sings "Man in the Mirror" as we get stock footage of fans going ballistic, and even passing out.

The power of Jacko is so strong, mere mortals cannot handle it!

It's a decent little music video that shows not just Jackson's performance, and the fans, but some shots of important people like Mandela, JFK, the million man march, and more. Not to mention the fact that Man in the Mirror is one of Michael's best, it's definitely a solid way to start off your movie. However, this is also where the quality takes a nosedive.

We then see various pictures and paraphrenalia of Michael, as we hear audio in the background talking about Michael's history. The Ed Sullivan appearance, the Pepsi commercial accident, and more. Then the camera focuses in on a television, which gives us a montage of Michael. Before it turns into a spaceship.

And with that image, this movie's descent into madness has begun.

As we now go to a montage of the Jackson Five. More televisions, more music, and weird purple claymation versions of the Jacksons.

It was nice of Michael to give the California Raisins a spot in his movie.

We're now 10 minutes in, and all we've seen so far is nothing but montages. No plot. No story. No build. Just one massive ego stroke. Only unlike ones I've talked about in the past, this one is especially shameless. But then again, I am talking about a movie with Michael Jackson. How could I not be expecting some ego splooge on my screen?

After some more montages, and singing from Michael, we finally get a moment where Michael isn't on screen. Instead, we get an all-kids recreation of the "Bad" music video. Only with similar choreography, and more prepubescant crotch grabbing.

After that somewhat pointless scene, we finally get something that isn't either a montage, a music video recreation, or a massive ego stroke. But it's still quite effed up. We open to the back of a film lot, as a tour bus drives by.

Filled with human Will Vinton bobbleheads for some reason.

Michael exits the film set, as the bus filled with the freakish people freak out at the sight of him and give chase. Michael's security tries to stop the crowd, but get literally flattened.


Oh, and the Noid's in the crowd too. Don't ask me why, he just is.

Michael hides behind some props and loses the crowd.

At least until the McGuire twins find him.

Michael continues to run (Get used to that later in the movie), as he eventually finds a costume shop, where he disguises himself as a rabbit. Despite looking like a furry version of himself, he still manages to evade the claymation freakshow. He hops on a motorcyle and takes a very poorly green screened joy ride, while still trying to evade the Will Vinton mindf***. He escapes to the desert, and takes off his costume...

Which then comes to life, and starts to dance with him. Were the writers on acid when they wrote this?

After that, a cop gives him a ticket for dancing in a no dance zone (???). End of scene.

We then end with the video for "Leave Me Alone". I love the design for this video, a clipart lunacy ride. That aside, it does seem sad in retrospect. The fact that Michael couldn't be left alone, and the tabloids and media trying to destory his career and ruin his life. If they had left him alone, maybe we wouldn't have lost a genius so soon. Still, it's a good video, so it's hard to complain about it.

What I will complain about is that we've gone half a damn movie with nothing that resembles either an actual movie plot, or anything that actually makes a lick of sense. This whole half focused on ego stroking. The whole Will Vinton bit was dumb. And outside of the dance scene with the rabbit costume, it wasn't all that impressive either. The Bad video felt like it was literally thrown in last minute because they needed something to fill the gap between montages and the Vinton part. this whole half felt like it was thrown in because the actual movie that encompasses the 2nd half was too long to air on MTV, and too short to air theatrically on its own. It's pointless, nonsensical, egotistic, and Tooncrap. But hey, at least the music was good.

And with that, it's your turn Seth to wrap this sucker up.

Ah yes……..we begin my part with what appear to be stars although you would really need to be in a completely dark room to notice these stars since they are so small.

Ah Yes, We Also See The Moon In All Its Glory.

This film is called Moonwalker after all so maybe we will see Michael Jackson walk on it.

Of course not, instead we get a background you can tell someone painted on and some kids crawling around a roof.

The girl talks about a lucky star and wonders if that is his. Jeez………..I wonder who she is referring to. Oh and before you ask, yes the black kid is the same kid who played the kid version of Michael Jackson in that Bad parody Forgotten Sin already talked about. The kids go to the end of the roof and peak. Of course we do now know who that girl was referring to when she said his lucky star.

If You Did Not Guess Michael Jackson, You Have Some Serious Brain Trauma And Might Need To See A Neurologist.

Anyway, Michael Jackson goes out of his house and……….

Immediately Guys Start Shooting….

Well, that was a complete downer of an ending with the King of Pop being made to look like Swiss cheese and………..oh wait, Michael Jackson was able to escape the myriad of bullets that he only had less than 5 seconds to react to. Silly people………..bullets can’t kill Michael Jackson, only drugs can…..


Okay, I admit that was a bit heartless, I’m sorry. Anyway as the kids run away, they think about how all of this could have happened and we get a flashback where we see Michael Jackson playing with the kids in the park. Nope………….I’m not saying that as I already got my one tasteless joke so let’s move on. Anyway, there is also a dog, but for most of this section……..we don’t get to see this dog at all. I will wait until later to ask the obvious question. Anyway, the dog takes the away and runs into a nearby cave. Turns out said cave is the secret hideout of the evil drug dealing mastermind known as Mr. Big.

Played By Joe Pesci With The Worst Hairstyle I Have Ever Seen

Mr. Big has an unhealthy obsession with peanuts and spiders. Mr. Big is talking to I don’t know who about hanging out at playgrounds and making sure those damn kids don’t go to school so they can buy his crap. He even says that a younger customer becomes a more loyal customer. Mr. Big even has the menacing aura that he can just look at a nearby guard dog to stop him from barking and instead cower in fear. He even says what his real name is which is Frankie Lideo. In fact, I mentioned that because the name of the bad Mr. Big was a rib on Michael Jackson’s longtime manager Frank DiLeo, who is also executive producer in this film. He spins the globe around to reveal a group of spiders covering one area. A spider then appears on the stares and freaks the little girl out. She screams and that of course blows their cover.

And that is why this whole stuff is happening now because apparently, Mr. Big has a bunch of soldiers at his disposal.

And For Some Reason, These Soldiers Have A March Routine As Well

At first Mr. Big thinks he has succeeded, but when he realizes that they only put bullet holes through a coat, he is not pleased. He sees Michael Jackson’s shadow in the distance and tells his soldiers to go after him. What then transpires is one of the most boring chase scenes I have ever seen and that is hard to say. It seems that eventually Michael Jackson is at a dead end, but of course thanks to a shooting star, our hero turns into…..

A Car?

Yeah for some reason, Michael Jackson turned into a damn car and barrels through the soldiers.

Who The Hell Does Michael Jackson Think He Is: Charlie Sheen In The Wraith?

Now with motorcycles, our soldiers continue the chase and of course once again………we get padding the size of a mattress. The little girl goes to a rundown bar called Club 30 and meets up with the other kids. Apparently the kids were told at some time to meet Michael Jackson at this place. The kids wonder if they went to the wrong place when they hear someone coming and decide to hide. It is Michael Jackson, who turns back into human form and enters the bar. There we get to see that Michael Jackson is so awesome that he can turn a place that is broken down into a vibrant place.

With Gangsters And Everything

Of course, we get padding that is actually welcome because it means we get the awesome full music video to Michael Jackson’s Smooth Criminal. This is exactly what Michael Jackson was great at, making really good music and having unbelievable music videos to go along with those songs. In fact, if most of you see this video on TV, it is mostly cut to hell so if you want the full effect of this video…….you might have to own this movie or watch the full version online. Trust me, while I am inducting this film into Monster Crap, I am glad I own this for this moment. Although there is one strange moment where it seems like everyone is having an orgasm at the same damn time.

Chalk It Up To Michael Jackson Having Strange Moments In All His Videos That Make You Go “What The Fuck”.

Unfortunately, this is one of those moments where the plot coming back is kind of unwelcome, but sadly it does come back. The little girl is kidnapped and soldiers surround the bar, but Michael Jackson is ready for them with a Tommy gun.

Sadly our badass music video comes to an end as Michael Jackson is told by the other two kids that the girl was kidnapped by Mr. Big and the drug lord wants to exchange her for our smooth criminal himself. We get an interesting spider transition before Michael Jackson meets with our villain. The King of Pop is surrounded as we see how evil Mr. Big can be as he smacks the little girl around.

Ah Joe Pesci………….You Make Even Child Abuse Not Disturbing At All

Mr. Big then reveals why he is doing all of this and that is because he just wants to get everyone high. He tries to inject a syringe into the girl, but she is able to escape and scratch Mr. Big’s face. Mr. Big seems to have won with him beating up Michael and the girl, but a shooting star appears and Michael Jackson transforms into……..

A Goddamn Robot

Soldiers try to shoot at Mecha-Jackson, but Mecha-Jackson stops them all with his shields.

Mecha-Jackson then reveals he has missiles and he is not afraid to use them.

Mr. Big then has his men bring out the big guns which destroy Mecha-Jackson’s shields. But this monstrosity has a trick up his own sleeve and that is his yell that can destroy practically anything.

Mecha-Jackson then brings out his chest lasers which ends this damn fight.

Mr. Big runs off like a little bitch and Mecha-Jackson transforms into a spaceship.

Of course this big reveal means Michael Jackson is an alien from outer space which……………….actually explains a whole hell of a lot regarding the celebrity. Oh wait………our fight isn’t over as Mr. Big has a giant gun that he attempts to shoot the spaceship with.

Our bad guy gets one shot off and it hits the spaceship meaning that this might be the end of Michael Jackson. Mr. Big is about to shoot the kids, but the spaceship comes back and blow Mr. Big to kingdom come.

The spaceship then goes into outer space which makes our kids sad. However, Michael Jackson shows up very fast and the kids are happy. Michael Jackson takes the kids backstage so they can see him perform at a concert a cover of the Beatles “Come Together”.

Oh yeah and the dog shows up again.

Our film ends with some song playing over the closing credits and we see some backstage stuff that happened during filming. Interesting that the last thing we saw was Michael Jackson playing “Come Together” because that might have been a taunt towards former Beatles member Paul McCartney. As some of you may know and most of you may not know, there was a huge problem during MJ’s life between him and Paul. After doing a duet between the two called “Say Say Say”, Paul McCartney told Michael that he was trying to buy the Beatles song book which had the rights number of Beatles songs. Of course Michael talked of him that it would be a nice thing to have and Michael then bought the damn book right under Paul’s nose. Michael Jackson would get the rights to all the Beatles songs in there and could use them anyway he saw fit. Michael Jackson then had in his will that if he died, the songs would go back to Paul……but that could also be seen as a taunt as Michael Jackson was a lot younger than Paul McCartney.

Michael Jackson had a lot of issues in his life including charges of sex abuse with children and bankruptcy. He also had a secret problem with drug abuse and died because of a cardiac arrest caused by the huge amount of drugs he was taking. While there still will be music coming out by the King of Pop due to the plethora of unreleased material that his family plans on milking so they can have money. You will sadly never see Michael Jackson on stage again due to his passing. Michael Jackson may have been a strange man while alive, but he will always be remembered in the hearts of millions for the great songs and music videos he made on his own and as lead singer of the Jackson Five.

In fact, one of the memories that are secret revolves around the music of Sonic The Hedgehog 3 as Michael Jackson was supposed to supply a lot of the music for the game, but was dropped due to the child sex allegations. However, there are plenty of people on You Tube who are more than happy to point out the similarities between several pieces of music in the video game and several songs from Michael Jackson himself.

My opinion of this is while I am inducting this film into Monster Crap (due to the sheer bad that exists in this film and the fact that this is a huge ego trip), I am actually glad to own this film in my collection. But I will say though that if you have the arcade game of Moonwalker……

You Might Be Better Off

Seth: Well, that is all for this special induction, but I think we need to end this induction in a special way.

Forgotten Sin: I know exactly how we do that………….

Random Dubbed Voice: We have to go now, our planets need us.

*Everyone was safe on their way to their home planets……….*

Except For Poochie, Who Died……..

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