Saturday, January 22, 2011

Monster Crap Inductee: Vampires Suck (2010)

Monster Crap Inductee: Vampires Suck
2010 GINO Award Winner

2010

The last two years, the GINO Award has been given to two winners instead of one while the first year gave us a clear winner (although in my opinion, a worst movie did exist). But this year, there was no confusion as to what the winner of this award would be. It is a combination of two things that have plagued today’s movie theaters: the Twilight saga and the duo of Seltzer and Friedberg. It wasn’t even close to determine who would win this one and while the award is called the GINO Award, it might as well be considered the Seltzberg trophy since the combo of these two have won at least a share of the award 3 out of 4 times. In fact, these two will now break Uwe Boll’s record of having the most movies inducted onto this site.

But let’s get into the history behind this film. After the failure of Disaster Movie, Seltzer and Friedberg tried in vain to come up with several ideas to cash in on a movie trend so they could make a lackluster parody (including an idea of making fun of those Tyler Perry films and calling it African-American Movie). Not surprisingly, they were told each time by the studios to get the hell out of their offices with that nonsense. At the same time, book stores, theaters and critics were being plagued with hatred by the books by Stephanie Meyer known by all as the Twilight Saga. It then inspired TV shows using of the idea involving vampiric romances like True Blood and the Vampire Diaries. So the trend of vampire love stories was in extreme need of parody and sadly, the opportunity was taken by our crappy directing duo.

So without further ado, let’s watch this film that won the 2010 GINO Award by double digits.

We start with the logo of 20th Century Fox…..the folks who did this film.

Oh Fox, I Thought That When You Weren’t Producing Disaster Movie, You Had Learned Never To Let These Two Do Your Films. Guess Not…

We open the film with a scene that is very familiar if you read my induction on New Moon. It is basically our lead girl named Becca Crane (a stupid rip-off of Bella Swan) as she is looking for Edward Sullen (a make fun name for Cullen). In what appears to be Italy and a bunch of red hooded men on what day???

Thanks Movie….


It basically plays out like the damn scene in the original film although there are a few differences. In this one, we get to see Edward sparkle and everyone sees him.

Including The Vampire Lords (I Won’t Reveal Their Name Now As This Movie Doesn’t Bother With It Yet).

Oh yeah, and that one in the center is Ken Jeong, who you might remember as the naked crime boss from The Hangover or….

Or As The Dumbass Next To Jeremy Piven When Piven Decided To Guest Host Monday Night Raw.

Anyway, they are gawking at what Edward is doing. When Becca tries to get Edward’s attention, we immediately get a fight between fans from Team Edward and fans from Team Jacob. You know, when this Twilight nonsense is over, I am never going to forgive any of you Twihards for subjecting pop culture to this nonsensical bickering.

Hope It Was All Worth It

Anyway, we see how other Vampires stay hidden despite being directly in the sun by using sunscreen and drinking sports drinks.

We then see Edward exposing of himself, but since this is a PG-13 movie, we can thank the censors for hiding the man’s junk and instead we get………

A Disco Ball………………Of Course, We Get A Disco Ball.

Becca tries to save Edward, but a big vampire is about to attack Becca to make sure she does not get involved when they are going after Edward and

Ahhhh………It’s a Vampiric Beaver!!!!!

Becca screams as the vampire is coming at her and we finally get the title of this film.


We then get the narration of Becca going to live with her father because her mother is now having sex with some sports celebrity.

Apparently, It’s Tiger Woods.

We then realize that the town she is moving to is Sporks, Washington instead of Forks, Washington.

Just Go With It, This Movie Will Be Over Sooner If We Do.

Although I will say this is a better parody name for a  name that "Gnarnia" in Epic Movie. Of course, we then get some girl being killed by a vampire.


We see some communication between her and her dad Frank, who is played by Diedrich Bader.

Damn It Diedrich, Has It Ever Occurred To You That You Can Tell These Fuckers That You Will Not Be In Their Stupid Movies.

Anyway, Frank tells his daughter that he has not seen her in a while as her hair is longer and her boobs are bigger. Heheheh…..pedophilia and incest jokes…..stay classy, movie. She scolds her dad for saying the boobs part and then listens to her IPod as she has the Teen Angst Mix on it.


When they get to town, Becca notices that this town is a little strange as they have….

Vampire Weekend Playing At The Club, Vampiric Dentists, & Vampiric Hobos

Okay, before I continue………….I have to say one thing about our main character Becca. This character shares the same name as my sister-in-law and I really don’t like having characters in crappy films have the same names as people I know. Frank is also the name of one of my uncles so this movie this movie makes me unhappy in two fold. Although to be fair, New Moon had the father’s name be Frank as well so I should not hold too much against this movie for that one.

Anyway, when they get home………we see that Frank left Becca’s room the same way he last saw her and of course that includes a kid’s room.


We also see that Becca has a giant cactus and I honestly don’t get it. You see, that is the damn problem with some of these parody movies these two guys make. They make references to stuff that while it may be in at the time, they don’t last long for people to remember what you are making fun of. And the worst part is, unless you know what they are referencing…………..you won’t find any humor at all. Some of the better parody movies have jokes that while you may not get the reference, they are still funny. I may have someone tell me later what they are referencing, but right now………….this has no point.

Back to the film as we get her room and we see that Frank still has her daughter’s hamster around……………although it is obviously quite dead and has been dead for a while.

Okay, I Admit I Chuckled When I Saw That

We then see that Frank for some reason kept an inflatable sex doll in his daughter’s room. When she asks about it, Frank tells her that sometimes he gets lonely. You know, I really hate when films force us to accept the fact these characters must be the biggest dumbasses in the world and yet somehow they are still alive. A car horn beeps and Frank has his daughter come downstairs so she can meet some of his friends.

Okay Movie, We Get It……..You Don’t Need To Hammer Down The Fact That He Hasn’t Seen Her In Years And Has Not Changed At All When He Addresses Her.
Fuck You Movie……….This Is Overkill

And sadly, this is what usually happens when you watch one of these films. Anyway, we meet some guy in a wheelchair and an old childhood friend of hers, Jacob White (because we couldn’t find a better joke name for Jacob Black). The wheelchair man’s name is Bobby White and Becca makes the immediate mistake of telling Bobby he looks good. Bobby then sarcastically says he is fine, what with the wheelchair and all. Meanwhile, we get small talk by Becca and Jacob, but I can’t stop focusing on the fact of Frank and Bobby beating the hell out of each other despite a man being in a wheelchair. But there are some jokes like Becca giving Jacob a prostate exam when they were young and when Jacob reveals how he goes to school at the reservation, Becca says it must be fun to drink and gamble all day.

The Same Face I Had When I Heard That Joke.

Oh and Frank gives Becca this old beat up red truck as a welcome home present. Oh yeah, and we get unfunny jokes that are obvious that Jacob is a werewolf.

Like Jacob Using His Foot To Scratch His Ear Or Chasing A Cat On All Four.

Becca then goes to school where as the new kid, she is kind of made fun of. The jokes of her being made fun of are more cruel than funny so I will not reference them.

Oh Yeah, Forgot That Sporks High School Is Home Of The Bloodsuckers.

And They Have A Parking For Her

And The Asian Kid Has Hookups To Cheat Sheets, Condoms, Human Growth Hormones, Drugs Of Any Kind, & Harvested Organs.

Oh there is the joke that Becca is one of those sourpusses, full of insecurities and no personality that all the hot guys find irresistible. And immediately she gets hit on by a guy.

Yep…………Just Like Twilight

This guy is named Rick (who I will call Bonehead Jock) and of course, we get the character who is supposed to be attractive blonde from the Twilight Films, telling Becca that while she will be her friend……

But If She Touches Bonehead Jock’s Wang, She Will Cut Her

While they all sit in, we are introduced to the Sullens.


The Psycho Bitch (I’m calling her that throughout this film) reveals that despite the fact that they are all adopted by Dr. Carlton, they are a bit too friendly with each other.


Psycho Bitch reveals they moved here a few years ago and they are really weird because their skin is ice cold, they feed on human flesh, and they all sleep in coffins. Psycho Bitch then thinks that they might be Canadian. Oh and if you think this Canadian joke is just a one off joke, they make it again later on so I have to believe these guys are not fans of Canada. When Becca asks who is that……..Psycho Bitch reveals that those are Snooki, J-Woww, DJ Pauley D………but before she can continue, Becca then says that she is not talking about “those douchebags from the Jersey Shore”.

You Know, Ten Years From Now…..When The Jersey Shore Loses It’s Fame…………No One Is Going To Get This Joke.

She was instead talking about the one guy who we know is Edward.


Psycho Bitch reveals that he is Edward Sullen and he is a complete hottie, but evidently no one in school is worthy to him. She even reveals that he wouldn’t even accept her as his Facebook friend.


Psycho Bitch then reveals that she doesn’t care about that as she has another guy on the side, but unfortunately he went to Iraq and his name is John. We then hear her read her letter to John.

Another Joke For A Movie That Will Be Irrelevant In A Few Years

We then see Becca and Edward stare at each other while Psycho Bitch sees that they are having one of those moments of connection.

When Bella gets to class, she is made to sit next to Edward and immediately Edward puts on a hazmat suit.

Not A Terrible Joke, Although I Did Not Get Any Laugh Out Of It

Becca asks Edward if she smells and he says yes, like tuna. But Becca reveals a sandwich and she says that it was lunch. Immediately that gets Edward out of the suit after he realizes that it isn’t her that smells. When Edward asks Becca about if she likes the weather, she says she doesn’t like cold wet things. Edward immediately says that she must not like Slurpees then.


Of course, class is being made to read the Vampire Diaries and since this is biology class, Becca is a bit confused to say the least. Edward gets up and tells her that in the 80s, Coke was all the rage; then in the 90s, grunge was all the rage; and now today, vampires are all the rage. Vampires are just apparently super trendy. Still does not answer her question as to why the Vampire Diaries are being read in Biology. Bella then grabs her back pack which reveals an apple that Edward catches.

A Scene Taken Right Out Of The Book Cover

Also a bowling ball and a baby are in the backpack and Edward juggles them.


Edward then puts the baby first, then the bowling ball, and then the apple………..which makes a thump sound as the baby was hit by the bowling ball. I’m sorry, but this joke makes me cringe more than it makes me laugh. So what Vampires Suck lacked in the disgusting humor department that is a Seltzer and Friedberg usual, it makes up for in moments that make me uncomfortable.


At the docks, a fisherman is stalked and approached by three vampires. When the fisher asks the one shirtless vampire why he doesn’t wear a shirt, the vampire says he works part time at Abercrombie & Fitch. He then says it is the same questions, who are you, why are you doing this, but the redhead interrupts and says “are you a natural redhead”. The fisherman looks at her and the redhead says “yes, she is”. The fisherman mentions that being a natural redhead is hot (no disagreements there). The black vampire (who is basically a play on a person who happened to be favorite character) comes in and says that they have the munchies and that he knows what they need to eat. The fisherman asks if Cheetos work and the black vampire grabs them. He immediately starts eating and says that the fisherman is alright with him. The other two vampires look at him and he then says that the Cheetos do not work.

The black vampire then asks if he knows who they are. The fisherman immediately responds by saying they are the Black Eyed Peas. The shirtless vampire then gets insulted and says while he understands his confusion with the girl and black guy; he is completely white and doesn’t resemble any of the Black Eyed Peas. The shirtless vampire tries to attack, but gets punched. They of course find out that the fisherman knows mixed martial arts, taebo, and yogalates. The fisherman immediately starts beating him up before the other two vampires intervene and hold down the fisherman so he can be killed.

At the end of school, Bella is about to get in her truck when another car starts swerving and would have hit her if not for Edward.

Of Course, This Being A Parody……….Edwards Uses The Asian Guy As A Human Shield.

They are both safe, but we definitely see that the Asian guy has broken some bones……….very big bones. Like I said, this film has uncomfortable jokes instead of disgusting jokes. Anyway when Becca gets home, she thinks about Edward and of course, Edward does a little crotch grab.

Still Had To Put A Michael Jackson Joke Somewhere, Didn’t You?
Anyway, while Bella is thinking another voice comes in and talks about random stuff. Bella’s narration tells the other narrator to leave and we get the simple Gossip Girl reference. Jacob comes in and he has heard about what happened at school. He decided to round up some balloons and flowers for her. Call it a hunch, but I believe he is sending her a message.


Becca looks at all of the stuff and basically just tells Jacob straight up that she isn’t interested in him. Why couldn’t the Twilight Saga just get to the freaking point? Jacob then talked about how he heard she was hanging out with Edward Sullen. When she nods, Jacob tells her to stay away from him because there is something really odd about that guy. Jacob goes to leave and we see a tail on Jacob.


Frank comes out with a shotgun and reveals that there was a murder in town. A fisherman had his blood drained and he asked her if she know what that means? She shrugs and he says that the Kardashians are in town. Oh Seltzer & Freidberg, when will it end with you referencing people who have no right being referenced in a Twilight spoof? Well, we have a lot more of this movie to go so that probably means never. Frank then gives her mace to use on the killer. He then has her use the pepper spray on him. After she does that and he is in pain, he then has her kick him in the nuts. After she does that, he has her rip off his mustache.

She Does, Of Course

It is now a full moon and we transition to Edward’s eyes. That night, we see Edward sneak into Becca’s room. Edward tells her she is dreaming when she wakes up and she falls back asleep. Then Edward sees her night terrors as she talks about Tivoing Wizards of Waverly Place. Then there was another reference I’m guessing, but I could not understand what she was saying.

Then For Some Reason She Has A Brace On And Is Drooling

Becca then starts sleepwalking and destroying her room before Edward wakes her up. Of course, while she is still sleep walking, she attempts to punch Edward and then decides to go back to bed. Edward then whispers that just her breathing is the greatest gift she could ever give him and of course, Becca farts. Let me tabulate………..it has been 25 minutes before they made disgusting joke. That is a new record for them as far as restraint is concerned. Seltzberg should feel proud of themselves and I will give them a cookie.


Anyway, the stink from the farts is so bad that Edward falls out of the window. Then Becca wakes up and somehow, Edward dropped his business card.


The next day, Becca goes to school and we hear from the announcer that tickets are on sale for prom. And there will be a blood drive, which is sponsored by the Sullens. In the lunchroom, Psycho Bitch tells everyone that the prom is almost here and we find out that she is going to the prom with Bonehead Jock. The Asian guy who was injured reveals that the three of them came up with the Vampires theme for Prom at random. They said they rented out some sets to make it look like Saint Salvatore Day in Italy, which is a day they celebrate the killing of vampires. Becca tries to say Prom is not her thing, but Psycho Bitch goes on a rant about how it is her thing and that her dream is to become prom queen. Becca then sees Edward and decides to talk to him. Becca tells him that they need to talk and Edward agrees.

The two go into the woods and Becca tells him that with his skin pale white, his trend of dressing fashionably, and that he abstains from sex, he can only be one thing. When Edward tells her to say it, she says that he must be one of the Jonas Brothers. Edward looks at her as if she is dumb and tells her that he is a vampire. He then says that she must ask herself next the most obvious question: what do vampires like to eat? And she responds with……

Vampire Cereal??

Oh I did laugh my ass off at that joke and luckily for us, they don’t overkill this joke. Edward then looks at her again before slapping the cereal out of her hand. He tells her that she really needs to see what he looks like. He claps on a random ray of light and decides to go into it. He rips off his shirt and shows her his sparkling….

Bling

Then Edward tells her that she doesn’t get it and that he is a killer. He then grabs a gun and shoots who is supposed to be Alice from Alice In Wonderland into the hole.

Another Reference To A Movie That Should Not Be Referenced In A Twilight Spinoff

While this is going on, we see that Becca is texting Psycho Bitch this.


He tells her that he is the world’s most dangerous predator and then scoops up a squirrel with his mouth.


He spits the squirrel out and reveals his whole back-story about how the Sullens don’t eat people (which can be quickly debunked by the Facebook page). Of course he adds that besides animals, they hunt Real Housewives Of Atlanta. We then get what is supposed to be this tender scene between the two, but it ends with him just randomly asking if she would like to go to prom with him. Of course, she says yes. Of course this tender moment is also ruined by………….

KILLER SQUIRREL!!!!
Squirrel!!!!
This vampire squirrel attacks Edward and the scene ends and yes, we never hear from killer squirrel again. Damn it, I wanted more of that squirrel. From overselling a joke to underselling one…my, have you changed.

We then get more Becca narration where she says that she knows three things. One, Edward was a vampire; Two, American Idol was going to suck without Simon Cowell (Preach On, Sister); and three, she was going to hump the ever-loving hell out of Edward the next time she saw him. Edward then shows up to surprise Becca in her room. Edward says that there is something he would like to try and Becca agrees as she likes role-play. And yet for some reason, she finds an Obama mask.

Even Edward Had The Same Look I Did.

Edward then says that her idea wasn’t what he meant and he decides to kiss her. Of course Becca wants more and tries to rape Edward. Edward tries to show his purity ring, but she just sucks that off of him and using her mouth, she turns it into a tongue piercing.

Oh Dear God, Now I Want To Bone This Chick

Of course Edward refuses and when she doesn’t stop, he breaks a lamp over her head.

No Means No, Becca

But Becca doesn’t take the hint and says that she likes it rough so she strips and shows her special attire.

The Urges Are Continuing………….

Edward tries to stop her and throws her up the roof. Okay, urges have gone now. Becca then reveals that he probably can’t have sex with her because he is a vampire and that is the ultimate pubescent girl fantasy. He tells her that her saying was pretty insightful and she revealed that she wrote it on Stephanie Meyer’s Twitter Page.

Knowing The Average Internet Fan, She Probably Monitor The Hell Out Of That Page

Edward then promises that as long as he is around, she will never be hurt. Of course stuff falls on her and then he says starting now afterwards.

That night, Frank and Bobby hunt down the rogue vampires….

And Frank Is Using Jacob As A Bloodhound

They lose the vampires and they are not too pleased. Bobby then says that it is obvious that whatever killed that fisherman was no animal because there are shoeprints. Jacob says that can only mean one thing and Frank says that it must be Canadians. I know a few Canadians and they aren’t the most evil thing on earth. He talks about how Canadians take all the shitty jobs us Americans are too lazy to do. Bobby tells Frank that he is missing the big picture and then shows a giant picture of the three vampires with the fisherman’s body.

Clever

Frank then responds “That is a big picture.”

On Becca’s 18th birthday, she is taken by Edward to see his family. She worries about if the family will accept her and it reminds her of that one time where her ex-boyfriend D’Shawn invited her to his grandmother’s house for Kwanza. After a short moment of silence, Edward takes her inside where we meet the Sullens and their parents.


The family greets her and the mother asks if she wants finger food.


We then get the usual stuff from New Moon where Becca gets herself cut and she bleeds. One of the vampires tries to eat her so I will show some of the better parts.

One Of The Vampires See Her Head Turn Into A Big Mac
Becca Bleeds Big Time

The One Vampire Has A Napkin & Utensils Prepared

But unlike the other film, the entire family tries to eat Becca with Edward intervening and stopping all of them through various ways like pianos, sunbaths, and the Chinese delivery guy. Of course we also get jokes about Lindsay Lohan and Edward having a childlike “It’s Not Fair” moment. They leave with Becca on Edward’s back as Edward decides to be like the Flash and speed down the road.

Wait, I Was Wrong………..He Is Using A Segway

In the woods, Edward tells Becca that as long as he is around her, she is not safe. Bella then responds that Edward should bite her and turn her into a vampire. She pleads that she keeps aging and now that she is 18, she is practically a cougar. Edward has a hard time trying to plead his case for not turning her into a vampire and he just says he couldn’t live with himself if he turned her into a vampire. He says that it is a lot like being George Clooney and somehow that is a bad thing. He then says that strangely the only thing that does keep aging is your ass. Edward says that she will never see him again. He just wants her not to do anything wreck less when he is gone. She then says that she promises that she won’t date Chris Brown. Edward kisses her on the forehead and then leaves……on the Segway of course. Becca then has a tantrum before she is interrupted by three vampires.

Hi……

Becca tried to mace the white vampire guy, but he ducks and she instead maces a woman who is supposed to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer.


Buffy gets mad and tells Becca that she was there to help her, but she leaves instead so Becca is once again alone with the three rogue vampires. All three of them go to suck Becca’s blood, but Edward comes in to stop that. The white vampire guy and Edward have a fight which ends the white vampire guy losing his head thanks to Edward and a baseball bat. The head lands and breaks the window to Frank’s police car.


The redheaded vampires is more than upset at this development and vows revenge as the surviving two rogue vampires leave. Edward has to suck the venom out of her and warns Becca that this could turn him into a feeding frenzy and he doesn’t know if he could control himself.


Edward gets a little too carried away and sucks her dry, but somehow Becca still lives meaning that she must know the secret to regeneration.

She Must Be A Namekian In Disguise

Edward then leaves her again and we get the usual moping crap we got in New Moon while she reads He’s Just Not That Into You: Your Daily Wakeup Call, as well as The Girls Guide To Surviving A Vampire Love Affair, Confessions Of A Bat-Shit Love Crazed Teenage Girl, &; Eat Pray Suck. The night screams are back with her screaming into a megaphone and her dad consoling her with the inflatable sex doll in hand.

Who Does She Think She Is…………Jimmy Hart??

Her dad has a monitor which shows her angst level..

Dear God, It’s Above One Tree Hill

They get out of the movie theater and Psycho Bitch wonders why anyone would want to date a vampire.

The Theater Showed Breaking Dawn…………..Sadly Though, We Don’t Know If It Is Part One Or Part Two (Yes……….The Final Twilight Film Will Be Painfully In Two Parts)

Psycho Bitch then can’t believe they get married and have a vampire baby, which some of the chicks are mad that she spoiled the ending. I have a feeling most of these Twihards have read the damn book and know the ending that is coming. Of course they look at dresses and Psycho Bitch decides to buy the red one. It turns out that Becca is parked next to the mean and scary biker dudes and as she goes to get her car, she is hit with a can. Edward’s ghost comes and tells her those guys are dangerous. Becca gets a crazy idea to get a motorcycle with the help of Jacob and ride so she can see Edward.

Of Course We Get More Hints That Jacob Is A Werewolf

When pressed about why he looks different, Jacob says that he is a man now and had his Bar Mitzvah. Jacob tries to ask her out, but she ignores him. While does it in the douche bag way of revving up the engine every time he tries to ask so she can’t hear him, she is not toying with his emotions like Bella Swan does in the Twilight books.

Jacob tries to get her not to rev the engine while he asks the question and she actually agrees. Jacob then asks, but a truck comes by and is loud. Jacob gets mad and yells if Becca wants to go on a date with him. Becca says sorry, but she doesn’t like to be yelled at. She decides to go for a spin, but before she does………..she uses cutters to cut the brakes. Edward’s ghost shows up as he is trying to convince her to stop. Becca does not listen. She even does stupid stuff on the bike like grab a guitar and sing like Taylor Swift; and drink milk when she is lactose intolerant. She gets an upset stomach and crashes the bike. Edward’s ghost tries to catch her, but he is a ghost so no good. Jacob comes in to help her and takes off his shirt to reveal….

That He Has Teats and Is Furry As Hell

Okay movie, you sadly have gone into disgusting territory. Jacob goes to get some help, but the black vampire shows up after he leaves. The black vampire talks about how she is so scrumptious.

And Puts Hot Sauce On Her Hand

Becca runs into the woods, but is cornered by the black vampire. He says he is glad he found her and not the redheaded vampire. When Becca asks why, he says she has been re-cast.

Eh…………..You Knew They Had To Make That Joke

The black vampire is about to kill her when Jacob shows up and transforms into…………

A Fucking Chihuahua

Okay, this movie is actually an improvement to Disaster Movie as I laughed out loud twice. Becca then says what we would all think in that situation and say “That’s it….a Chihuahua?” Jacob says yes and this whole transformation thing is new to him. The black vampire then tells Jacob that he can’t stop him, as he is no werewolf. Jacob then reveals that the fact he is not a werewolf is the reason he travels in a pack and here comes the pack now.

If You Are Wondering This Film Never Has These Guys Turn Into Wolves.

Oh And They Dance At First To “It’s Raining Men”

They all attack the black vampire and tear him apart while the Were-Chihuahua joins them. He immediately transforms into Jacob when he gets a haircut.

Nope…….Never Explain How He Got The World’s Fastest Haircut

Immediately Becca has him sign a Teen Beat Magazine, which he does. Jacob then carries her home.

Meanwhile Edward is somewhere else watching………

The Original Fly…………….Damn, Don’t Mind If I Sit Down And Watch This..

Oh wait, I still have to finish this induction. We see that Edward is a wreck ever since he left Becca.

He Even Is Eating Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream (A Gigantic One At That)

The one clairvoyant vampire sister says that something terrible has happened to Becca and of course, Edward says Becca Who and says he has moved on to someone as freaky as him.

This Movie Is Going To Hurt The Rest Of The Way After This Poor Joke On Lady Gaga, I Just Know It

Anyway the sister says she saw a vision of Becca dead. Edward is upset by this and says he has to find out. We then see Jacob take Becca back to her room and immediately takes off his shirt. When Becca asks why he did that, Jacob says that…..

It Is In His Contract To Take His Shirt Off Every Ten Minutes Of Screen Time

Anyway, the house phone gets a call and Jacob answers. It is Edward asking if Frank is around. Jacob looks for Frank, but sees a note that says


Jacob tells Edward that he went to the funeral and Edward gets pissed. The sister gets another vision that Becca is fine, but Edward has already left to go kill himself before she can give him the good news.

Becca is outside her house and is passed by a limo that has Bonehead Jock and Psycho Bitch. They are complete assholes and because Becca won’t be going to prom, Psycho Bitch throws a wine bottle at her. Of course, we also see Asian Guy is in the limo as well and he just does nothing. Then a yellow car shows up and it is the psychic sister, who tells Becca that Edward believes she is dead and plans to kill himself at prom. Jacob shows up on the top of the car and tries to get Becca not to go, but Jacob gets distracted when he sees a cat and decides to go chase it. Oh yeah, and the vampire lords from earlier are called the Zolturi. So because you couldn’t come up with anything clever, you just changed one letter in the name. It reminds me of Gnarnia from Epic Movie in being lazy.

The psychic sister reveals that the Zolturi are the evil bloodsuckers who care about only themselves and their narrow vision of the world. She then equates them with Fox News. She says that Edward is going to expose himself as a vampire and the Zolturi can’t allow people to know that vampires exist. Here is the problem, throughout this whole movie, we can sense that people know that vampires exist and are too stupid to even care. The vampires of this world aren’t really that inconspicuous with their killings and their needs. So the Zolturi would have to kill every vampire in Sporks, Washington. And because the Zolturi never want to miss a good Saint Salvatore Day Festival, they are going to the prom. She tells Becca that say what you want about the Zolturi, but they know how to party. And we immediately go to the Zolturi partying by downing some alcohol.


As celebration, the head Zolturi guy sucks the blood of a girl in front of everyone. So yeah, they will break their own code and when they do, they don’t see that these morons could care less that these vampires are killing people. We then meet the principal, who is being played by Dave Foley.

Dave Has Shown In The Past That He Doesn’t Know Who Terrible Filmmakers Are When He Worked With Uwe Boll in Postal.

The principal announces in a few minutes that they will crown the prom king and queen. We then see Psycho Bitch and Bonehead Jock try to stuff the ballets.


The car stops and the psychic sister tells Becca that she needs to find Edward and show that she is still alive. So we go through the whole beginning again, but thankfully this movie knows we have seen this part so it actually fast forwards to the last thing we saw in the opening. The beaver vampire that we saw earlier going after Becca completely misses her.

And Crashes Into A Billboard

Becca then falls into Psycho Bitch and Bonehead Jock, who were still trying to cheat in stuffing the ballots. Edward sparkles, but the sun disappears and Becca tells him.

It’s Twilight

Then It Is A New Moon

Then It Becomes An Eclipse

Edward then yells for everyone to look at him and they do. They of course see his hideous old man ass. Everyone is disgusted as he bends over to pick up a penny. Becca comes and shows Edward that she is alive. Of course when they try to leave, they are confronted by the Zolturi, who are pretty upset about the whole incident. Edward tries to fight the Zolturi, but immediately gets his ass kicked at first. Edward then starts putting up a fight and we get a whole scene with them changing the music and no one caring Frank shows up, but he is so oblivious that she is in trouble that he is about to leave when Becca stops him. She tells the whole thing about what is going on. She even says Bobby is a werewolf and he kicks her. Frank then says that he understands, but says that he understands the theme of the prom. Frank and Bobby leave…..

But Not Before Bobby Flips Her Off For Revealing That He Is A Werewolf

The fight between Edward and the lead Zolturi guy continues as they accidentally make a song for slow dancing play. Everyone starts slow dancing and even a teacher shows up to separate students from being too close. She is so oblivious that when she sees Edward and the lead Zolturi guy fight, she separates them and makes them dance arms apart. The two even start dancing, which is extremely odd and not in a funny way. When the teacher leaves, the two continue their fighting. Photos are being taken and the two get their shots taken in what would look like they were couple.

Edward tries to throw the punch bowl at the head Zolturi, but the guy ducks and the couple of Psycho Bitch & Bonehead Jock get sprayed with punch. Edward tries to throw a yearbook at the guy, but he catches it and quickly signs it. He tosses it back to Edward who decides to read it.


Edward knocks the Zolturi guy out and goes to Becca. The beaver vampire and a midget version of the vampire played by Dakota Fanning in New Moon…………

AHHH…………The Power Of Christ Compels You To Leave!!!!!

When Edward meets the other members of the Zolturi, he asks where Becca is. They show that Becca is being restrained by another vampire. The head Zolturi guy shows back up and demands that Edward surrender now or he will have the vampire snap her neck like a twig. Edward agrees and the head Zolturi guy tells him that he must pay for exposing himself, but he decides to make a deal. He says that all will be forgiven if Edward turns Becca into a vampire. Edward is conflicted and is about to bite her when the principal interrupts over the speaker. He announces over the speaker that Psycho Bitch and Bonehead Jock are the prom queen and king. They celebrate, but another teacher whispers in the principal’s ear. The principal then reveals that the two had received over 69,000 votes in a class of only 300. That means that the ballots were stuffed and the two are disqualified. Psycho Bitch beats up Bonehead Jock for screwing up and leaves after saying that her life is over.

The principal then decides that he will nominate a new prom king and queen. He immediately decides on the head vampire guy and the vampire that is supposed to be Dakota Fanning…..Don’t you dare show that picture. When he explains that the two exemplify this school by looking like mean, evil, blood-sucking vampires, the head Zolturi guy looks like he is about to be mad. However, he changes his tune to say that of excitement. Everyone cheers as the two accept the honor. When the head Zolturi guy speaks, he signals for Edward to bite Becca’s neck. After a few seconds, Bella tells Edward to bite her now as she doesn’t want to wait a second longer. Edward then says that he will only turn her into a vampire under one condition….

She Must Marry Him

Unlike New Moon and the Twilight Saga, Becca doesn’t wait until another movie before she gives her response of “Yes”. After Edward asks Becca she is ready, Becca shows him a tattoo she had prepared.


Edward then does what he waits several more movies to do in the Twilight Saga in biting Becca’s neck. The head Zolturi guy laughs at all of his. When Edward asks how she feels, she says she feels perfect and it is everything she imagined. Edward is about to tell her he loves her…

A Member Of Team Jacob Hits Him Over The Head With A Bat Filled With Nails

The movie then ends with the member saying “Team Jacob, Bitch!” Nah, I’m just kidding….. During the credits, Edward taking the nailed bat out of his head….

And Becca Turning Into A Vampire To Kill The Member Of Team Jacob

And that is how the film truly ends.

This movie was expected by all to bomb and surprising to all; this film actually did pretty well at the box office, debuting at a modest second place. But movie critics were more pissed off that this film did well because in all honesty, they HATED it. But none said their hatred any better that Spill.com’s Korey Coleman, who in this video that I will be linking………had only two words to say.


But because of this film’s modest success, these two guys will probably get another film made next year or the year after that.

Now onto my opinion………and this might actually surprise you, but I actually believe these two directors are improving. However, it is from one extremely funny joke to two extremely funny jokes so it is painstakingly slow. There are extremely horrible jokes and once again, they overkilled a joke that might have gotten a chuckle out of me. This is their best film and it is actually mostly due to the actors, whose characters seem to have more personality than most of the characters from the Twilight Saga. It really is an indictment on Stephanie Meyer, her writing, and this whole Twilight trend when these two bozos can write better dialogue and characters than her. In fact, it seemed to me that the woman who played Becca Crane has outacted Kristen Stewart and the worst part for Kristen is………this is Jenn Proske (the person who played Becca)’s first film and so far, only film. So my overall opinion is even though this film sucks, this film serves to be a complete indictment to the Twilight Saga and all of its fans.

Now that the new format will begin of me inducting films that I own begins, I guess we should start with one that barely won the February poll, but before that I wish to say........

The Moonwalker Induction Will Be Coming Very Soon

But now that the Moonwalker announcement is out of the way, let's get to what the February induction is....and it is funny that several years ago, my special February induction was Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, we continue to look at this beast that has appeared in a number of shitty films with.........

Welcome Back To Monster Crap, Asylum Studios

2 comments:

  1. I liked the spoilers hated your outlook of Stephanie Meyer and twilight. Sorry but thats just how I am. I just like the saga. And I don't hate you because you don't.

    The girl at the end of vampires suck said " Team Jacob, bitch." I say "Team Edward, bitch."

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  2. Whoever you are, I salute your honesty.

    ReplyDelete