Saturday, August 11, 2018

Monster Crap Inductee: Femalien (1996)

Monster Crap Inductee: Femalien
Sci-Fi Erotica Never Felt So…Boring


Let’s talk about Cinemax…more important, Cinemax in the 90s. You see, for the first decade of its existence, Cinemax was just a movie channel that was HBO’s planned answer to The Movie Channel, which would be all movies and some music video blocks. Heck, they even aired Max Headroom for a time. But in 1984, Cinemax decided that on Friday Nights at a little before midnight, they would start airing original TV series and films oriented towards the softcore audience like Erotic Confessions. It was at this time that people started calling this run Skinemax, although they officially called it Friday After Dark. They then in 1992, started airing all types of softcore on every late night because it was easy programming.

And several of these films from 1996 to 2001 would come from a director named Cybil Richards aka Sybil Richards. There is not much info on her except the films she made which Porno Pete has assured me almost all of them were on Cinemax at some point. And thus, we get to Femalien, one of several sci-fi erotica films that Richards was well known for making. The only thing I can really say otherwise is it is the return to Monster Crap of Jacqueline Lovell, who was in Killer Eye.

Yeah, That Film…

So, will this film live up to that film? Well, of course not….but let’s watch it anyway.

Gotta Bring Something Up Here.

Surrender Cinema, which made this film, is owned by Full Moon Entertainment so that is another induction we can blame our own pal, Charles Band, for. So yes, even in porn, when dealing with any kind of Monster Crap, we can’t escape the grip of Mr. Band.

With that out of the way, we get some very cheap ass title sequence.

Gee…I Wonder If They Used Power Point Presentation For This Or Maybe Even That Was Too Expensive

After that, we get narration that a spaceship called Collector 39 has been dispatched to Earth with the mission of gathering data on human interpersonal relationships, specifically the need for physical intimacy. For the layman, she is here to study us having sex and of course for our audience, she will probably skip out on the whole need for it to reproduce to keep our species alive. Oh, and this is the spaceship.

Gotta Love Those Effects That You Can Get From Either A PC In The 90s Or The Sega CD

Basically, the ship shoots out a beam of light which lands us in a random bedroom. Oh, and even better, it is to a house that has no one living in it and thankfully, no one is having an open house tour at this time…or any time in this film. I mean how awkward would that be if someone was looking at the bedroom and this shit popped up.

Yeah, Someone Would Be Calling The Cops.

We then learn that our narrator is given a human body (a naked attractive one at that because this is a porn film, no uggos here). She doesn’t have a name yet and is speaking to a talking glass sculpture named Dak.

Not Him, He Was Three Years Old When This Film Came Out!!!!

She asks Dak how to begin with her collection of data on the human fucking and Dak first tells her to get into some clothes first, and then she can begin by watching outside her damn window. Why, you ask?

Because There Is A Human Couple Right Outside.

The guy tells the lady that he is off to work, while the lady asks if he can call in sick. The guy says that he can’t. She says he can since he is the boss and he tells her that he has to set a good example. She then teases him about leaving her all alone with nothing to do. She tries to tempt him with rubbing some oil on her which he does for a few minutes before he leaves because he doesn’t want to fall into this trap. The female alien peeper watches and thinks about how this was disappointing as the guy wasn’t interested, but Dak tells her to wait.

The lady outside rubs some more oil on herself in a sexual manner and the guy comes back because fuck work, he is gonna get some…and they have sex.

For 9 Minutes…Already Longer Than Our Last Movie’s Longest Sex Scene. Yeah, The Sex Scenes In This Film Will Be Long As Hell.

Also, as an added bonus, we have a female space alien looking on and rubbing her body to in pleasure. She asks if it takes just a mere touch to begin human intimacy and Dak says at the right time, it could. The female space alien then decides that she better be careful on who she touches and Dak agrees. Dak says she now needs to nourish the body she is in with food and so our alien teleports herself to a nearby restaurant with her little teleporter that is like a bracelet.

There she meets Sun, who is one of the only two people working at this restaurant.

She reveals that she got that name because her parents are into hippies and she has a sister named Star and a brother named Moon (we won’t see either of them in this film). The alien says that she would like some food. Sun has a book about aliens and admits she has this strange fantasy about meeting an alien and instead of getting scared, she just asks the alien if that alien would like something to eat. How very odd…

Oh, and when Sun asks if the woman would like a chicken salad or a cobb salad, the alien says both and Sun admits that her customer is indeed hungry. Our alien says this all looks pleasing, and Sun breaks the news that this place is closing tomorrow. We then also meet Drew.

Considering This Is This Actor’s Only Role…You Can Guess How Well His Performance Is.

He has a fresh batch of cookies, which he allows our alien to try one. She does, and she finds them delicious or in her words, “exquisite”. Drew says it is always nice to find a fan of his work. He gets her his special Chocolate Café Mocha as if she loved the cookies, she will love that. Sun also gives Drew the order of a chicken sandwich and a cobb salad, which Drew appreciates a woman with a healthy appetite. Sun makes some remark about if that is really what he likes, and they play hit each other to show that they both are really good friends. Drew says to our alien to not pay attention to her and gives her that mocha, which she likes. They then both would like to know this woman’s name and since she has to think of one on the spot, she looks around and sees these two items together.

My Name Is House La Lave….Wait?

No, she says her name is Kara. They say it is nice to meet her and Sun says she needs Drew to make more food since they will be swamped by people ready for the last hurrah of this place. Drew tries to ask Kara out in an awkward way, but Sun basically says what he wants is not to let her out of his sight. Drew says that is one way of putting it, but Sun just tells him to get into the kitchen. After Drew leaves, Kara asks if Sun ever considered hooking up with Drew, which Sun says she has a few times, but they both basically decided they would be better off as friends. Then this douche comes in.

He Just Has The Look That Says “Hi, I Am Going To Be This Film’s Antagonist And I Will Be A Huge, Cocky Asshole As Well”

Sun tells him to basically get out since he won’t own the place until tomorrow, but MJ says that is no way to treat a friendly neighbor. Sun says she has the right to refuse service to anyone. You know, I don’t know how that will be a hot button topic now…

Oh Yeah…

MJ says that he has told Sun on many occasions that she is more than allowed to join his organization as someone of her beauty would be a definite asset. Sun tells him that he can stuff it unless he decided to have a change of heart and sell her back the café. MJ laughs off that idea and says it wouldn’t be right, after all the trouble he went to in buying her mortgage from the bank. Drew accuses MJ of stealing it and MJ basically says you can call it one way and he will call it another. He then asks how a row of hot tubs look against the wall. Sun says he will watch what it is like to be ignored and MJ then talks to Kara. Kara says that he is not at all friendly with Sun or Drew. MJ says that Sun is not a fan of commerce. No, I think she is fine with commerce, but I don’t think she is fine with you being a dick and forcing her out of business for a place called The Rub Down, which is a massage spa??? Well, I guess the spa business can have assholes too and have enough money to force a restaurant out of business.

MJ offers Kara a visit to the place and says if you ask anyone, it is a great experience for anyone who visits. Kara seems kind of interested, but Sun interrupts to tell Kara not to let this blood sucker rope her in. MJ makes a joke that he thought she was supposed to be ignoring him, but Sun tells him to leave. MJ leaves, but says his offer stands with Kara getting the VIP treatment. Sun then tries to get Kara another coffee but is so agitated that she accidentally spills it on her shirt. Sun asks Kara to grab her a rag and she goes to the back, while Kara helps wipe her off with a bit of some of her alien powers.

Thankfully, The Light Is So Strong That I Don’t Need To Black Box Jacqueline Lovell’s Breasts.

Sun then gets her mind transported to a short scene where she is oiling herself up.

Sun then recovers to see that maybe the coffee didn’t burn after all. Kara then wants some exceptional experiences while she is here. Sun tells her about a photographer named Harry as he does some very unique things. Sun gives Kara directions to the place.

Which Kind Of Looks Like A Bunker Some Serial Killer Would Be Hiding Out In

Here, she meets Harry as he is trying to photograph a couple who are in black jumpsuits, although the couple seem very cold and not interested.

But thankfully, Kara is here to help get the two in the mood and the black jumpsuit couple starts having sex.

This Goes For 8 Minutes And Also Splices Him Scenes Of Kara Getting Off To This In A Chair As Well As The Photographer Taking Pictures Of Them Having Sex.

Future Blackmail Material, Here I Come…

We immediately see the couple smoking cigarettes in their chair.

Now You Know They Had Great Sex

Harry thanks Kara for whatever she did to get a really good photoshoot. She says she needs more experience and of course this next brings her, to a bikini shop.

It is here where she meets two employees named Angel and Gina, who very much would like to help her spice up her wardrobe.

By The Way, The Woman On The Right Is Taylor St. Clair, Who Had A Long Career In Porn, Being In 56 Films In 2001.

That’s a decent career if she started in the 90s.

Ha!!!! That 56 Was Just In One Year. She Was In 276 Films From 1995 To 2007.

Jesus Christ….

Can I now get back to the film?

Oh Yeah, Just Thought I Had To Bring That Up.

Anyway, spicing up Kara’s wardrobe could only mean one thing…private fashion show.

Oh, and the two employees also decide to bang right in front of Kara.

For Just 4 Minutes…But I Guess You Could Count The Fashion Show Since It Had The Same Music, But I Won’t.

They also give her this sexy biker girl number as a gift. Yep, Kara keeps getting gifts which helps with the fact that I never see her pay for anything. They also give her a card for a performance art show that will be happening, and they would like her to be there since they provided the wardrobe.

Kara comes back to the restaurant and Sun compliments her on the new gear as well as thinking she may have vanished. Kara says she won’t be gone until Earth’s entire rotation around the sun, meaning a year. Drew comes out and Kara talks to him about what kinky means, because she doesn’t know. Instead of being alarmed by this idea that she doesn’t know what it means, he explains that it all depends on your own personal taste and doing something outside of that box, is kinky.

She believes she is ready for interaction now which means she wants to fuck Drew here. She realizes that Drew’s hesitancy to this idea is the fact that he doesn’t want to do the deed in the restaurant, so Kara offers to take him to her place. Drew decides this is a good idea, but first, he needs to get something out of the oven. He runs off to the kitchen as Sun wonders where the fire is. Kara then reveals that she asked Drew to come back to her place and Sun seems cool with the idea of this woman she has only known for a day hooking up with her friend who was their ex. Porn, kids…it’s all okay in porn to sleep with someone’s ex, but make sure you ask first.

Sun also reveals that Drew is a great in the sack. Sun also asks Kara to bring Drew back in one piece as Drew comes in ready to go to her place. Drew then reveals elsewhere that his car is in the shop, so he has no means to get to her place unless she has transportation. It is at this moment that Kara tells Drew to sleep and Drew is hypnotized to sleep.

Then Kara Teleports The Two Back To Her Place.

There, Dak asks if she has killed him as part of collection and Kara says they haven’t done that shit in years. Man, it would have been a lot funnier if she had and had to keep denying to Dak that she did so. I can see it going something like this…

*Dak sees Kara bring in Drew’s body*
Dak: You killed this man, didn’t you?
Kara: Nuh-Uh…why on Earth would you think of doing something like that?
Dak: Collector 39….
Kara: Oh, fine…I killed him. But I had to get here to sleep with him and he didn’t have a ride. I’m not sleeping with no living man who doesn’t have a ride to get here, although I’ll find something to do with his body.
Dak: Won’t anyone miss him?
Kara: Oh no…he was a friend and co-worker of a girl I want to sleep with later named Sun. Can you somehow get into his body and act like him for a bit, so I can eventually kill and abduct her for collection?
Dak: Won’t anyone miss her?
Kara: Not really…the restaurant she works at is about to close tomorrow and her parents are hippies, so the idea of her getting taken by aliens won’t be much to them. We’ll just make sure they see that she gets abducted by aliens first. Can you please do this for me?
Dak: Alright…but you owe me.

Seriously, we could get more hijinks with Dak in Drew’s body like Dak trying to do his own experiments with the female form, or him trying to talk as Drew. It would be a lot more intriguing than what they do here…which is Kara wake Drew up and not really answer how Drew got here before they have sex.

Which Is Another Quick One (For This Film) That Lasts A Little Less Than Six Minutes

So, we have something rare in this porn excursion, which is the talk that happens after they have sex. He tells her that she seems unhuman in the sack, she thinks he might know she is an alien, and he just meant that he has never met anyone like her. She then realizes that she needs to get to the performance art show, so she has Drew sleep again, teleports him fully clothed (somehow), wakes him up back at the café, and leaves without again telling him how they got here.

She goes to the performance art show and you can pretty much guess what kind of show based on this film.

Another Scene Of Sex For Five Minutes Although Extra Props To The Random Hands Molesting That One Girl On An X-Shaped Cross As That Must Have Not Been Easy To See What It Was Feeling Up.

Kara then goes back to the restaurant as Sun and Drew are closing up for the last time. Kara thinks she needs more food and Sun goes to get her something. Drew confesses that he can’t stop thinking of Kara and questions if they really leave and have sex at her place. All Kara says is if Drew wants them to hook up and get kinky again. Drew passes this time as he needs time to recharge. Kara sees that Sun isn’t happy and Drew admits that he saw Sun crying twice today because of that damn MJ. Drew says he would like to go right over there and just strangle the deed right out of him. Kara wonders if that would make her happy and Drew says it probably wouldn’t as she isn’t a fan of violence, but the deed would put a smile on her face. That gives Kara an idea.

Kara then decides to go to the Rub Down and asks for MJ by name for a massage. MJ shows up afterwards in less than a minute after a random girl lets Kara into a room.

MJ admits that he was about to leave for the night and normally doesn’t do massages for the clients himself, but when he heard about Kara being here…he had to make an exception. Kara says she would like to experience everything he has to offer and has her slip out of what she is wearing so they can begin. He turns around and sprays some breath freshener into his mouth so when he turns around to see Kara naked, he is happy he made this choice as Kara has a nice body. So, the rub down begins.

It Is Here That Porno Pete Happily Informed Me That There Are Several Adult Films Based Around A Massage Parlor/Spa, With The Masseuse Getting Plenty Of Action From His Clients.

During the massage, Kara asks if MJ really needs to knock down the wall to the restaurant and doesn’t see why MJ cannot give Sun the deed to the restaurant. MJ’s only response is that it is not that simple. Kara turns around, so he can massage her front and says that if he has this deed now, it could be that simple to just give it to her. MJ is of course, not paying attention at all to this conversation and admits that he is happy. Kara decides she must do something for MJ and starts undressing him.

The Life Of A Masseuse In A Porn Film Is A Very Enviable One

Kara climbs on top of MJ and after a minute, uses her light powers on him.

No, She Is Not Killing Him

MJ doesn’t know what the hell this is, but he is sure as hell enjoying himself. He basically in this state admits where the deed is and says she can have it, so she leaves with it. Kara comes back with the briefcase and asks Drew where Sun is. Drew says Sun left early to go calm down at the meditation hut. Kara goes to the meditation hut and finds Sun there. She gives Sun the deed, but Sun doesn’t understand how she got this, wondering if she paid him. Kara says she gave him something more valuable than money, but Sun says there is nothing more valuable than money for MJ. Kara then shows her what she did by using her powers to create an orgy with everyone else in the room.

Sex………Sex Everywhere!!!

It should be noted that everyone in this scene is someone doing a second role as most were in at the performance art show in some way, except for Taylor St. Clair who I guess was okay doing this scene as well. After 11 minutes (really, that long before anything else happens), the viewing of all of this by Kara and Sun is interrupted by MJ, who has bought a cop with him.

He says Kara stole the deed from him and that he should arrest her. The cop walks over to do so, but he also gets caught up in the orgy.

MJ tries to stop Kara and Sun from leaving, but he gets caught up in the orgy too when the meditation receptionist also joins the fray.

The Look Of Someone Who Says “Oh Well…I’ve Been Beaten, But I’m Not Going To Pass Up Getting Involved In This Orgy”

Sun and Kara run back to the café laughing over the orgy that allowed them to get away. Sun then decides that she doesn’t feel good with the way she got the deed and if MJ really wants this place, let him have it. So for those watching this, the act of getting the will back from MJ…….completely pointless.

Sun says that she has been thinking that maybe it is good to give your life a little shake-up every now and then (I prefer stability myself, doing these inductions for nearly 22 years, running this blog for 19 years, and working at a church on a volunteer basis once or twice a week for 8 years). Kara tells Sun that there is something she wants to share with her and teleports the two back to her bedroom without having her sleep first.

I Wonder If It Was Dak Who Somehow Put Rose Petals On The Bed.

Sun at first doesn’t understand what happens, but it becomes crystal clear when Kara reveals that she is an alien and reminded her that she did say she wanted to meet an alien. Sun says that all her life, she dreamed of this moment and now that it is here, but she never thought the alien she would meet would be so beautiful. She reveals that her kind has been here for years cataloging human experiences (really would love to see the alien who got the job of cataloging the Las Vegas experience). She admits that her species has evolved beyond a physical state into a level of nearly just pure energy. She says while her species is linked with each other telepathically (which can be comforting), but human interaction is just something that is not possible for them. Sun says her species is missing out. Kara says that the point is that now she does, and we get to the final sex scene that is between our two female leads.

This One Is A Modest Six Minutes

After having sex and now spooning, Kara talks about how she eventually will have to leave Earth despite all the great experiences she has had here. Dak chimes in by saying she could stay and collect data. And that is all that Kara needs to decide to stay on this planet. Basically, she can basically collect data, which will go back to her race, who will know where she always is.

Too Bad There Is A Sequel Where Her Sister Is Charged With Finding Kara For Some Dumb Reason. I’m Sure At Some Point, I Will Get To That.

But when Sun asks about Drew, Kara has Drew teleported there.

Drew Doesn’t Understand How He Is Here And How He Got Naked, But Fuck It….Threesome

In a strange twist, the movie shows restraint and we don’t see the threesome as credits roll,

Booooo!!!!!!!! And what about the female cop!!!

What female cop?

The female cop that the end credits say was Michelle Barry, but IMDB pointed out was really Brittany Andrews, who also had a long career that is still going today with 257 credits to her name (40 in just 1998) and owns a porn company as well as a porn studio place of her own.

While that is interesting, no female cop was ever in the film that I saw.

Well, she was also in performance art piece as one of the attendants.

Well, I did see that. I guess your little interruption piece had a point, so can I get on with this induction. I am almost done, and I have other shit to do.

Now that we have that out of the way, we can talk about the aftermath. Of course, as mentioned earlier, there was a sequel to this film that basically throws out that whole idea of it being okay with her staying on Earth. The studio that made this film, Surrender Cinema, would continue and then take a hiatus in 2002, before returning in 2017 with a film that year and one this year. Almost the same thing happened with Sybil Richards who took a hiatus in 2001 and returned to directing in 2016 with three films under her belt since then. Jacqueline Lovell (who played Sun) would leave this industry of softcore porn and marry Edward Nyahay (who if you read his IMDB bio (which he wrote, by the way), is quite the character) and had a kid with him.

One of Jacqueline Lovell’s Roles In A Film Called Dwegons And Leprechauns…I Hope To NOT Talk About For A Long Ass Time If Ever.

The cast in this film basically goes from having a decent career to this being the only film they were ever in. Unfortunately, we do have a passing however with one of the men in the performance art audience and in the meditation orgy, Adam Wilde, succumbing to a heart attack in 2006 (10 years after this film) at the age of 36.

So, my opinion on this film is thus. This film is really boring. This is definitely a film that is just about the softcore sex stitched together with a plot that could really be done with in two 30-minute episodes of a TV series at the most. None of the cast is entertaining in any way other than the women are pretty. While not the worst and not the most boring that I have witnessed in my inductions, it is definitely not one that has any redeeming re-watchability…unless you like to masturbate or are someone like Porno Pete here. I really don’t have anything else to add because quite honestly, this film isn’t worth adding anything more.

Now it is almost the end of this torment so lay it on me, Porno Pete.

Well, I was going to do a film called Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (Starring The Beautiful Sarah Hunter), But…


But you said something a few inductions ago that made me upset so I feel like acting a bit like NegaSeth and making you rue you said that.

What did I do to deserve……oh dear god, you didn’t.

Yes, I did.

And You Are Also Gonna Have To Read The Book As I Found That, Despite Your Wishes That I Never Did.

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