Saturday, May 27, 2017

Monster Crap Inductee: Witches of Breastwick 2 (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Witches Of Breastwick 2
More Spank, Less Sense


This is basically the same movie as the first. If you need an induction, go to the first film.

And with that said….what is the…

Oh No…You Are Not Getting Out Of This One That Easily

But it is basically the same damn movie.

There are some small differences. Therefore, you will do a full induction.


Well, like I said last month, Porno Pete gets to control what I induct this summer and he will basically make me do a bunch of porn. So Witches of Breastwick 2.

You will notice that the same guy named H.R. Blueberry is directing the sequel as well as the original. You may know that to be an alias of Jim Wynorski, but what you may not know is this was shot back to back with the first one. Now while I did say this is basically the same as the first (basically the same script and same roles), but there is some difference in that it is basically a different cast and the characters have different names. Oh and as you will notice at the end, the ending is different. Other than that, same sets, basically same sex scenes, same actions. So let’s talk about the star of this film, Tylene Buck.

She started out as a fitness model who came to WCW as part of Vince Russo’s new NWO 2000. In fact, she was one of three fitness models that were around the stable as arm candy. But after the short end to that (mostly due to Bret Hart’s concussion that ended his career), 2 of the three were let go, but not Tylene Buck because for her, she would be the valet for Misfits In Action and later Team Canada that many would know her for as Major Gunns.

You Can Kinda Guess Why She Was Called Major Gunns

Anyway, after WCW closed doors and the company that bought it WWE had no interest in her, she had a short run in XPW (a wrestling company run by porn producer Rob Black and his wife) before now running her own wrestling company called Double Trouble Wrestling, a wrestling company where people wrestle topless. But afterwards, she would go into porn after doing nude stuff for videos.

We only have a few people who were in previous inductions like Tannie Hannem and Antonia Dorian were in the first Witches of Breastwick, Nicole Sheridan was in Teenage Cavegirl, and Nikki Fritz was in Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold. And of course, not only did Jim Wynorski do the first Witches of Breastwick, but he also did Chopping Mall.

So with that all done and before Porno Pete tries to say anything, let’s get to the induction.

Yes…let the fun begin

We start with our main guy being caressed and having three women sexily dance around him.

The Same Fucking Beginning, But With Different People…And Different Music. Also In This One, The Guy Is Tied To A Tree And Not A Cabin.

But this time another woman shows up.

Hey…It’s Nikki Fritz. Oh, I’m Sorry…Her Name Is Millicent In This Film.

Please Tell Me She Gets Nude In This One So We Can See Her Lovely…

Before you even finish that sentence, the answer is no.

Aw phooey

When the hell did you become Donald Duck?

Shut up. Donald Duck has nothing on me.

I know. Donald Duck at least has a girlfriend.

Get back to the damn movie.

More than happy to do so.

Before anything happens, the guy gets up from a bad dream.

His Name Is David….As Opposed To….David In The Last Film Too? Can This Movie At Least Give People Different Names?

He is comforted by his wife named Kate (unlike Tiffany in the last film).

Tammie Hannum…Who Was The Person Warning David In The First Film.

Kate asks if he is dealing with the same nightmare and he says yes as it always happens no matter what else he thinks of before he goes to bed. Kate thinks this whole shit is horrible and they have to stop this somehow. He agrees as this same dream is driving him nuts. They talk about what the dream could mean and nothing. Kate asks if this is about work and since his boss is a guy, that’s a no. Kate then thinks he needs some tranquilizers.

I Know Of A Guy Who Can Help You. Are You Okay With Guns?

Of course this is the seventh time he has had this dream in two weeks. David says he never experienced anything like this in L.A. and he wonders if he is not cut out for living in the country. Kate says they just got up here so they are not moving now. He asks what she wants him to do and his wife thinks they should see a therapist. David is completely against this idea as he doesn’t believe in head shrinks.

So Are You A Scientologist? I Hope Not.

Kate says something is wrong so David should give it a try. David just assumes it is stress from the move and assures her that he will be okay. But Kate says she is going crazy too, which David doesn’t mind. They both wonder how they can get their minds off this so….they have sex.

Oh wait….I do have one joke.

Oh really?

Yeah really.

The Horny Owl Is Gonna Have A Lot Of Work With This Film

Oh, come on!

Don’t worry…The Horny Owl has it in his contract that he can only be used once per induction.

Kate tells him about Dr. Welby, who is a sex therapist, hypnotist, and part-time baby sitter. Umm…I don’t think he needs that. And a sex therapist and hypnotist, I wouldn’t trust that person near my kids (especially if this Dr. Welby accidentally double-books). Kate says he promised he would try a shrink and David says he will promise anything under the throws of passion. Kate says he better live up to this one or no more sex from her anymore. Yeah, David…you’re gonna have to bite the bullet on this one. So David visits Dr. Welby the next morning, but first meets her assistant.

Hey….It’s La CaCanya From The Previous Film.

And they meet Dr. Welby.

I Have A Hunch That Dr. Welby Is Gonna Have A Sex Scene. Just A Hunch…

They go to her office.

Which Was The Doctor’s Office From The Previous Movie.

David talks about his nightmare and Welby makes Kate wait outside. He explains the dream while Kate starts to drink those shots of whiskey.

Um…Last I Checked, Shots Aren’t In Wine Glasses.

Welby decides that David needs some sensual hypnotism.

Yeah, She Is Banging Him.

That Wasn’t In The First Film So There Is Some Difference In Script.

Fine…some difference, doesn’t help that this still feels like the same film.

Meanwhile, Kate gets drunk and decides to bang the assistant.

After some fast forwarding…

Why the hell are you fast forwarding?

Because I am reviewing the movie, not jerking off to it. Have you ever tried to review a sex scene?

Why would I do that?

Why would you indeed. Look, you could get more out of a fight scene than two people fucking. I also have something called restraint.

Moving on…

After the double sex scene, Welby says that it is obvious that David is being summoned by sensual spirits known as the Gate Keepers and she gives him their address so he can talk to them and get this thing settled. Oh and the town is called Breastwick, which was never mentioned in the first film. Welby also gives David the bill, who first thought it was instructions on how to “slay the demon”.

So they drive to Breastwick.

It’s Basically The Same Place As The Previous Film

But no hill sex this time.

Fine…I’ll admit it. This isn’t completely the same film.

They go to the same house from the past film and they are met by Julie.

Major Gunns Reporting For Porn Duty

So after some small pleasantries (with David knowing this is the same woman from his nightmare), Julie takes them to the porch and asks them to wait there until she gets her step-sisters. Oh and the stepsisters are having sex.

I Try To Avoid The Black-Boxing, But Sadly This Film Forces Me To Do So.

Julie goes to tell them David is here and they say they will be out in a few minutes. Oh and outside, Kate is upset with David because the women he saw in his dreams were not average-looking like he said they were. David tries to make the excuse that it was dark, but since he can point out one of the women immediately, that excuse doesn’t go far. They go inside. And the three stepsisters and couple all meet.

The Other Two Are Meriweather (The Blonde) And Rebecca (The Redhead)

Oh, The Sexy Rebecca Love

Which one is that actress?

She’s the red-head

So let me get this straight. The actress is named Rebecca Love and she is playing Rebecca…

Not every character needs to have a different name than who they really are and for Rebecca there…she can go by whatever name she wants.

*Sigh* David tries to get his wife to leave with him, but Julie says they just got here so they should stay a little while. David then asks what this is all about and Rebecca says their world is being threatened. David says that is an everyday occurrence and both Rebecca and Meriweather say that it isn’t every day the world is threatened from a being from another dimension.

In An Early English Dub Of Dragon Ball Z, People Coming From Another Dimension Is Not That Big A Deal. Just Means That They Are Being Wished Back To Life Thanks To The Dragon Balls.

David doesn’t understand and they say it is Millicent.  They explain that Millicent is an evil witch who saps a man of his sexual energy and keeps him as her slave. They also explain that Millicent is the most powerful witch of them all and every 13 years, she tries to bridge the gap from her dimension and their own. Apparently her mission is to mate with a mortal. Kate says to excuse her and David for a moment. When the couple is several feet away from the stepsisters, Kate says that these women are crazy, but David doesn’t believe so. David thinks they need to stay or something bad will happen. Kate says if they stick around, something worse will happen to them. David is insistent on staying as he can’t go on with these thoughts in his head and they agree to just stay till tomorrow.

So they tell the stepsisters that they will stay the night and Julie leads them to their guest bedroom. After Julie leaves, the couple thinks about enjoying some time in the hot tub, but David immediately gets a headache that keeps him on the bed to take a nap and it is only Kate who uses the hot tub.

While Kate is in the hot tub, Julie and Rebecca decide to join her.

Yep….More Black Boxing.

And they have a three way lesbian sex scene. This ends up all being a distraction as after Kate falls asleep.

Anyway, Julie goes and has sex with David.

Also Dried Herself Off Very Quickly

That night, David and Kate both talk about how nice it is up here. They are also both tired and they are heading to bed at 8 pm. Kate wonders if they can trust the stepsisters and David thinks they can. They both sensually kiss each other goodnight as the three stepsisters just dance sexually.

They also reveal through this dance that their magic gets stronger each time they sleep with David which might mean they are evil and they may be working for Millicent this whole time. That night, David is awoken by a genie.

Hey, It’s Nicole Sheridan In Her Genie With A Teeny Bikini Costume.

Actually, checking on IMDB, this film came first so that is her Witches of Breastwick 2 costume.


She says that she is Breasteeba, a genie from the Nether Realm. She is basically here to fill the role that Tamie Hannum did in the last film and warn David of the stepsisters or witches, which she does. Oh and for some reason says that Millicent is here to save the world and that the stepsisters were once her servants, but betrayed her out of jealousy and trapped her. So that scene with the stepsisters sexually dancing and talking about how Millicent will devour him leaves us completely confused as to Millicent. I don’t think that should be happening.

Of Course She Does.

Oh and also, his wife never wakes up no matter how loud they get, although this time she uses magic to keep her ass asleep. Afterwards…she says that David needs to remember that the stepsisters are evil and that Millicent is good. And the genie returns to the Nether Realm. David wonders what is next.

The next day, David wakes up to see that Kate is gone. He gets dressed and goes outside, just to be met by Meriweather.

When asked where Kate is, Meriweather says she got up early and decided to take a walk up the hills. Meriweather tells him it is almost noon and after offering him a drink (which he declines), she has sex with him.

So after a few more minutes with the fast forward button, we see that Kate is downstairs with Julie and Rebecca when David and Meriweather join them. It is time for lunch, but Meriweather reveals that David has been marked.

Well, That’s Not A Good Sign

Julie reveals that David has been hexed by Breasteeba and…

That’s No Good

Okay, if Breasteeba’s mark is a pentagram (which is what that symbol is), that pretty much signaling that Breasteeba is a fucking liar in that she is good. But of course, none of these people tell him what it is so he may still believe her in that these stepsisters are evil. Oh and they need to draw her to the Maple….they are very vague in how they say it. They say Millicent hates it and David doesn’t have much care for it either.

I Think An Entire Nation Wishes You Take That Back

So basically David needs to let Millicent mount him and the stepsisters will stab Millicent. Rebecca has David come with him as she needs to prepare him. So she takes him to an abandoned dock and what do you think preparing him is?

With Sex

Oh dear god…Seth, I’m gonna need you to leave for a few minutes.

Oh dear lord, are you really gonna?

I’m afraid so.

*Sigh* Fine…you better clean up after yourself.

Alright…I’m back and thankfully, Porno Pete cleaned up the room so let’s continue. Oh and Porno Pete left me a note saying that he will be gone for the rest of the review part.

So after that sex scene, we get a hot tub scene with Julie and Meriweather. They talk about how they hexed David and then double-hexed Kate, which once again makes us believe that they might be evil. So that whole Breasteeba hexing thing might be a complete lie. Oh and Kate joins them. Now keep in mind this is not the Jacuzzi from earlier as this just a regular tub which means they really have to stretch to have three people in that tub.

Hey, I Know That Tub Should Be Too Small For Three Of Us, But I’m Gonna Get In There Anyway

So we get another three way lesbian sex scene, but this time Meriweather replaces Rebecca. Time to fast forward again. Oh….and somehow they use chocolate syrup too, which is rather pointless if you are trying to take a bath.

Back with Rebecca and David, the hex is gone. Rebecca tells him that nothing will happen during this scene to defeat Millicent, unless he panics. Oh and yeah, David has to screw Millicent for them to get their chance to defeat her as Millicent is a sub-demon. Rebecca says Kate will be fine and David needs his rest as the plan will commence at midnight. David decides to stay near the abandoned dock while Rebecca gets prepared.

So after a few minutes, David gets up from his place and heads back. But Breasteeba returns and yeah, she says the same old shit about the stepsisters being evil and all that, let’s fucking move on. Oh she balloons up breasts as a wish for David, which we only get to see David’s reaction and hear balloon sounds including the pop.

That night, David wants to get out of here, but Kate says they need to stay so they can see the thing through. So we get the set up as the women prepare the ceremony and Kate watches on from behind a tree. Oh and Millicent appears.

And David goes to her and the stepsisters seem confused. Um…wasn’t that part of the freaking plan?

Okay….While We Never Get To See Nikki Fritz Nude, We Do Get To See Nikki Make A Guy Motor-Boat Her

Oh and the stepsisters start their attack (showing they were always the good guys) despite the fact that David was never mounted.

Can’t Believe I Have To Do So Much Black-Boxing

Oh and Kate uses the pole to save the day so the stepsisters were pointless.

Yes, This Is How Millicent Is Defeated

Kate tells David that it is finally over as everyone is happy. As the couple kisses and the three stepsisters plan on joining in, the movie is over and credits show up instead.

Not much aftermath so let’s get into the final opinion and first, I have to make an apology so Pete!!!

What’s up?

I gotta apologize to you because this sequel is not like the first film.

I told you it…

The first movie actually had a plot that stayed consistent. This movie, while I’m sure you like it more as it has more spank material, completely has no consistency. One minute the witches are good, then they are bad, then they are good again, and so on. Everything that is said to defeat Millicent isn’t used at all and ultimately the witches are pretty useless as the wife is the one who defeats the big bad. It seems that Jim Wynorksi decided that he wanted more sex scenes and that little thing called plot can go fuck itself. While you could love the sex scenes, just skip the plot all together or you will be left confused.


So Porno Pete, show me what the next film is so we can get this summer over with.

Actually, the next film is an oldie, but an interesting one as it is a porn movie that actually came out before the actual movie adaptation. Instead, it is a parody of the serial so your next induction Seth is…

1 comment:

  1. Great review sir. Looking forward to Flesh Gordon. Are you gonna do the Flesh Gordon sequel?