Monster Crap
Inductee: Time Walker
Mummy…….FROM SPACE!!!!
Let’s
talk about ancient Egypt.
Linkara’s
Greatest Enemy
Other
than that, ancient Egypt has a bit of a presence in my mind. In fact, when
searching for an alias (you really think Seth Drakin is my real name), I used
the ancient Egyptian god Set to come up with Seth as a perfect first name. Now
if you are wondering who Set was, I’ll tell you as your alternative is actually
looking it up.
Set was Osiris’ brother who got a bit envious when his brother was getting all the acclaim so he made a coffin for his brother and asked his brother to try the coffin out. Osiris did, not realizing his brother’s evil treachery, and once he did, Set close the coffin, sealed it with lead, and threw it into the Nile River, effectively murdering his brother. Basically, he did a lot of other dastardly things so as a fan of villains, I used his name to create my own.
Now
let’s talk about King Tut.
Actually, we shall talk about the real pharaoh Tutankhamen. He was pharaoh at the age of 9 and didn’t have a long reign before he died as a child under mysterious circumstances. In fact, evidence shows that he was buried in a quick way. Not much is known of his life other than theories, but he was actually discovered in 1922 and he is well known because he was one of the best preserved tombs in Egypt. It is so well preserved that it is still at the Valley of Kings, where he was buried, although protected very well from grave robbers. It actually was lost for some time because of stone chips that came from other digs. But it was found and is still well preserved.
With
all that said, we have the film that we are inducting. A little piece of
schlock film that was distributed by New World Pictures and all the music was
scored by Richard Band, who you might remember as Charles Band’s brother and who
directed the past induction.
This
was also the only directed film by one Tom Kennedy, who oversaw the creation of
a lot of very good trailers with the company he worked with, Kaleidoscope Film
and later, he was a producer for the firm Cimarron/Bacon/O’Brien as well as
senior VP of creative advertising for MGM/UA. He also established his own
production company TKO Pictures in 2000 and did voice over.
You
may also know the film as its other title Being From Another Planet, for when
it was riffed by Joel and the bots for Mystery Science Theater 3000.
So
with that out of the way, let’s get to the film.
First,
and this will be the only time I bring up the MST3K version because both films
have different openings. With Time Walker, you get a small montage of some
planets before we get to the pyramids and the title.
However,
this unseen earthquake causes the people to discover an unknown part of the
tomb which housed a different mummy.
They
realize that anyone who was here died here and we cut to a skeleton before a
plane lands back in California.
Prof. McCadden has his students help with the sarcophagus. One of the college media in Linda comes in and asks to get a picture of the sarcophagus.
McCadden
doesn’t want to do the pose with it as it is very heavy. But Linda says
president of the university Wendell Rossmore wants it taken for the press
conference tomorrow. Susie has issues with the press conference being tomorrow,
but McCadden tells her that they have to play ball so they pose for the photo.
Inside,
we find out the mummy’s name is Ankh-Venharis, meaning Noble Traveler. They
wonder if this was a visiting dignitary who was buried and if so, why would
they bury him in the tomb of King Tut? They are about to open the sarcophagus
when Peter comes in with the X-Ray equipment.
They then open the sarcophagus and notice this mummy has a bit of green powder around him.
Susie
wonders why he was given such a hasty burial and McCadden can only surmise that
the Ankh-Venharis had some type of nasty disease like smallpox since the
disease also killed his attendants as well. McCadden wants them to seal the
mummy up fast so he can figure out how to give it a proper cleaning. They also
seal up the papyrus because that paper is very sensitive and will dissolve in
water easily.
They get ready for the X-Ray and after two shots, they try for a third and that is when they notice that the radiation is all the way up, which also does nothing. Mr. Parker noticed this.
Peter yells at Mr. Parker for stopping the machine. But Mr. Parker notes the machines setting and Peter is the one in trouble. Peter goes to fix it and as he observes the X-Rays so he notices something.
While McCadden and Susie check on the papyrus, Peter goes to investigate and notices a hidden compartment in the sarcophagus.
Peter gets told by a jeweler that the diamonds aren’t worth a damn thing.
Peter takes the diamonds, thinking
he will get something on the open market besides the FBI kicking down his door
(see the numbskull who stole Brady’s Super Bowl 51 jersey) while calling him a
clown. Hey, you better be careful Peter, the actor who plays the jeweler might
end up more well-known than anyone in this film.
We also learn Dr. Ken Melrose
doesn’t know what kind of fungus it is.
Also, yes….
Dr. Ken tries to get the press conference cancelled, but the media is already here and they are just in time to learn that the fungus can burn people so bad that it gets them a trip to the hospital.
The media is calmed down and Prof.
McCadden is mocked by President Rossmore And His Stooge Bruce Serrano
As for the actor who is playing the stooge Bruce Serrano, he tended to get low budget movies roles so don’t bother with him. Back to the movie, Rossmore says that if McCadden can’t handle this situation, he will get someone who will and looks immediately at his stooge.
The press conference begins and we
learn one major thing during this whole thing.
After that embarrassment, Peter is
immediately blamed for the mummy’s disappearance, but is not taken in, but is
told by Rossmore (who believes this is some type of fraternity prank) that he
is giving a 24 hour grace period for the person to return the mummy and not get
in trouble for taking it. After 24 hours, he plans to crack down on every frat
house until he finds it or every fraternity is gone.
McCadden wants to bring the city
police in on this because the mummy may contain the fungus and if someone
touches it, they will end up in the hospital too. Rossmore is against this and
the captain of the campus police doesn’t think the city police is needed
either.
The mummy is actually alive and decides to kill some janitor off-screen.
This janitor only gets killed
partially off-screen because while he does get killed in a dark room that we
never see, we can hear his screams to know the mummy has killed him.
Meanwhile Dr. Ken tells McCadden
that the fungus spreads and is completely unstable. They get a phone call about
Michael and they are right there.
They also see Michael’s arm.
And as soon as I make that joke, Dr.
Hayworth says the only thing they can do is cut it off, which is a major
buzzkill.
Meanwhile, Peter gets busted by Sherri for being a Peeping Tom looking at another woman put on her bra and to maintain an Age-Free website, I cannot show too much of this scene.
Peter gives Sherri one of the crystals to make it up to her.
At the campus radio station with Linda, McCadden pleads for the return of the mummy. We also see a news broadcast that gets Rossmore very upset.
Peter sells another crystal to a guy he knows named Greg for $50 and pretends to say it was worth $100 (even though the jeweler said it was worthless).
Peter celebrates with Sheri by
taking her to a nice restaurant.
Unfortunately the fungus wearing mummy also can sense the jewel is there and comes face to face with the baby.
Ellen hears the baby crying and
when she goes to check on the baby, the mummy takes the crystal from around her
neck, but because the mummy had to touch her to get the crystal. Ellen has some
good old fashioned deadly fungus to the neck and chest area.
The paramedics and authorities are
immediately there to take care of Ellen. The Lieutenant from the city police,
Plummer comes in.
Funny think is Plummer and Dr. Ken
were both played by the stars of Assault on Precinct 13.
Hayworth says she is talking with
the CDC (Center for Disease Control & Prevention) because if anyone can be
familiar with what they are dealing with, it is them. Lt. Plummer talks to Greg
about what happened, but all Greg can do can say is the killer was the mummy.
We also know that because Plummer is from the real police and Willoughby is
from Campus police, Plummer can override him and take over the investigation
despite Plummer being lieutenenant and Willoughby being a captain. We get word
that Michael also had to lose his right hand, but he will be fine.
Jack Parker sneaks into his own
workplace, which got closed by campus police and finds his workplace destroyed
(Willoughby found it destroyed earlier) and the fungus left behind.
Meanwhile, the mummy is using the
boiler room as his headquarters and he is putting crystals into the triangle.
McCadden still tries to translate the papyrus, and Dr. Ken tells him that the mummy’s skeletal structure is abnormal and doesn’t fit any human he ever has known. The papyrus is a scroll and it reveals that King Tut found this thing that became the mummy, assumed it to be a god, and touched it (in a greeting gesture). After he touched it, he came down with a terrible plague (the fungus) and died from it. The attendants wrapped it up into a mummy quickly and since the fungus got on them too, they died as well which is why the tomb had a lot of skeletons with green stuff on them. Dr. Ken finds this preposterous as it would have to be 3,000 years old and would be why Tut died.
Meanwhile Rossmore is upset by the
press talking about the missing mummy as they are seen as a laughing stock. Oh
also the fraternities is using the incident to organize a big party that you
must be in ancient Egyptian costume.
Back at his lab, Dr. Ken makes an
astonishing discovery that the heat can cause the fungus to grow.
Realizing that would be bad news for the surgical laser people who want to get the fungus off the body, he tries to warn them….but it is too late as the fungus has overgrown over Ellen’s body.
Susie goes to research something
when one of the guys who got a crystal from Peter to pay off his debt (named
Stanley) tries to move in on Susie.
He was basically the guy who was
only Jason Voorhees for one scene in Friday The 13th Part 2.
He knows that Susie is seeing the
professor and Susie is out in the open with this relationship. Okay, now I know
this is unethical and can cause McCadden to be fired. He just gives Susie the
crystal in hopes to eventually win her over from McCadden.
That night, Capt. Willoughby gets
scared by some rats that happen to be in the closet.
The party happens. And we find out
a big reason why Peter hates Jack.
Two people are out kissing and they get interrupted by Peter. Sherri gets him to the party where all the fraternities and sororities are having a party. The kissers go back to kissing and..
The mummy gets mistaken for another
person bothering the kissing couple so the guy tells him off.
During the party, the other guy who
Mike owed money to (named Bill) is looking for a woman named Sarah as he is
going to give her a present (another crystal). No one has seen her so he goes
out looking and bumps into the kissing couple.
Bill finds Sarah, but she has left
him for another guy.
Bill thinks he is through with
women and will become a priest, when more ladies come and this loser changes
his tune. He goes to get the crystal he threw on the ground.
When he gets back up, the mummy
attacks. The mummy smacks Bill into a wall and Bill is dead.
The mummy goes back to where he is
hiding and puts the second crystal on the triangle.
This causes another temporary
blackout and Jack needs to go check it out. Jack checks his computer and finds
the power drain coming from the reactor building, which he goes to investigate.
He goes to see what is up, but finds nothing there. He does run into Capt.
Willoughby and Mr. Serano, because Willoughby believed whoever stole the mummy
is there. Jack just acts snarky to the two and goes on his way. Jack then walks
home, but finds Bill’s body as the party finds him too.
By My Guess, The Killer Must Have A
Strong Back Hand. Quick…We Need To Investigate The Tennis Team Immediately.
McCadden gets the phone call on
Bill’s death and heads to the crime scene immediately. Lt. Plummer tells him
about the kid getting killed and having the fungus on him while Dr. Ken tells
the morgue guys to not touch the green fungus. Peter tried to say Jack did it
with the university heads backing him up, but Lt. Plummer says that is impossible
as the body had every bone in his body broken so he hit the wall with
incredible force. Peter tries to say that Jack is pretty strong, but Plummer
says no one is that strong.
Back at Rossmore’s office, Plummer
believes the university is trying to cover up this whole business as this isn’t
the first time he has tried to do something to avoid bad press. Mr. Serrano
tries say that he is addressing the head of an accredited university and
Plummer just tells the two to not withhold information or play detective.
Rossmore asks about the mummy, but Plummer says they can look for it all they
want as he is looking for a killer.
Elsewhere, McCadden tells the
academics in the room that they are researching a theory that the mummy is an
alien. Of course, they all think this is crazy talk. Jack says they just need
to find out who took the mummy and where it is.
At Rossmore’s office, the
university president is upset at all the bad news going around. That is when
Mr. Serrano gets an idea. He says that maybe we can frame it as if McCadden
stole the mummy himself and hid it because he was not ready to reveal it.
Rossmore says if they can prove that in some way, they can give Serrano his
position and he will no longer have to worry about that department. This is how
you want to get rid of the guy? With this insane story? Let me give you a
little advice, guys. Maybe you should find something simpler as your excuse to
get rid of him. Maybe something that violates the bylaws of a relationship
between student and teacher. Maybe I don’t know…
And it isn’t like this is not known
by everyone. Everyone basically knows about these two. Stanley knows these two
are sleeping together (an allegation she didn’t care to deny) and they sleep in
the same room. Susie is in the professor’s office at late hours of the night.
Susie is at all the meetings beside McCadden. You could easily be able to basically
have McCadden lose his job because he was doing that and no one would have a
problem with it.
Anyway, McCadden has a bad dream
about the mummy coming for him and Susie and thus we get the scene where he
wakes up in Susie’s bed while she has a robe on. Suddenly, some images are projected
from the crystal thanks to the sunlight.
Susie goes to the astrology center
and when asked where everyone is, the janitor (not the one killed earlier)
reveals that they went on a field trip to the observatory to see a comet so the
place is empty. That is of course very convenient as that is where the mummy
finds Susie and because Susie still has the crystal, the mummy is after her.
She lives as McCadden and Jack get
to her and immediately get her to the hospital. Susie tells Lt. Plummer the
whole story. Lt. Plummer doesn’t believe her about the mummy parts, but does
believe the rest of the story and believes this is a sick individual they are
dealing with. The mummy then puts the third crystal into the triangle.
In the hospital, Susie then reveals
all she knows to McCadden, Dr. Ken, and Jack. So yes, now all of them know that
the mummy is alive and it just wants the damn crystals and nothing more. Jack
goes back to his office to check out the schematic again and McCadden joins him
with Susie’s blessing and a kiss.
The mummy then breaks some wires.
The mummy goes to the house which
Jenny and Sherri stay at. Jenny sees the crystal and goes to take a shower.
The mummy enters the bathroom and
pulls the curtains on poor Jenny.
But since Jenny doesn’t have the
crystal on her, he just uses his powers to have the crystal come to him.
The mummy leaves just as Jack
arrives and comforts Jenny.
McCadden heads to the reactor
building to search for either the triangle or the mummy. He also calls Linda to
come down with her camera because he wants to show the world that the mummy is
alive. McCadden walks around and of course finds the crystal. He puts his
crystal he got from Peter on top, but it does nothing. No sooner does he do
makes that mistake that Rossmore, Serano, and Willoughby show up.
The mummy then goes to the
triangle, ignoring the four men, and fixes the mistake McCadden made with his
crystal.
Linda and Jack show up with the
camera and take a picture of the mummy.
For some reason as the alien is
about to teleport, Serrano orders Willoughby to shoot it and Willoughby listens
in trying to shoot it. But McCadden steps in the way and he gets shot in the shoulder instead.
And that is the end of the movie.
Not much happened except for some
small things to mention. Vanna Bonta (who played a random lab student) went
onto become a poet and had one of her haikus shot into space and Mars. She also
was Zed’s Queen in the Beastmaster as well as a voice in Beauty and the Beast
(the animated one done by Disney). Alan
Rachins (who played the Jeweler) went on to be in L.A. Law and was Dharma’s dad
in Dharma & Greg.
Now for my final thoughts. This is basically one of those very forgettable movies that will probably only be remembered for the twist of the alien being a mummy and was on an episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. The film otherwise is very boring and feels padded, even when it is an 85 minute movie. Also every kill scene involves before slow motion for no reason other than to help the run time. Not a good film indeed, but I probably won’t remember it in a few months.
So what’s the next induction before
Porno Pete takes over.
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