Saturday, November 28, 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast (2011)

Monster Crap Inductee: Snow Shark: Ancient Snow Beast
If I Made This Film Into Chum, I Would Basically Be Making Niquil For Sharks

Well, I gave a bunch of films that were voted upon but didn’t win in the Summer of the Fans a second chance and this was the film that won. Congratulations to a fan named Gus Richlen for requesting this film and I hope he is happy because I am going to go through this. So you would think that with a ridiculous idea like this, you would think that I would have some joy watching it. Oh, you would be so wrong.

Now I want the people who made this film to understand one thing, when I am criticizing this film, I am not criticizing the logic of a giant shark being in such short snow because let’s be honest, I know that would be pointless and as Mystery Science Theater 3000 would say, “it’s just a show (or movie in this case), I should really relax” on that.

But let’s talk about the pre-stuff before getting into this film and you don’t have to worry, no one who is in this film has ever been in any Monster Crap movie in the past or really anything of note at all (although the filmmakers in the commentary keep talking about something called Slime City Massacre). The filmmakers amassed some of the money through this film from Kickstarter and was shot in 21 days (those days were weekends). It was also based on a short the director had made beforehand about this same idea.

And with that out of the way, let’s get into this film and pray to God I do not fall asleep in the middle of reviewing this thing.

We begin this movie in the snow covered woods.

These three scientists are in the woods to look for a reason as to why the wildlife population has basically disappeared after an earthquake hit the area.

No, Not That Earthquake…Although That Would Probably Already Explain What Happened To The Damn Animals. This Earthquake Did After All Kill Jake Roberts Snake Damian And Turned Him Into Quakeburgers.

These three scientists are Professor Jonathan Hoffman (older guy), Gabe (younger guy and also played by the director’s brother), and Bianca (woman with glasses). They find a place to set up camp, take pictures, and then the two guys leave the woman all alone so she can finish setting up camp. Seriously, they basically do that.

So as Jonathan and Gabe are walking around, Gabe is convinced something is killing the animals and Jonathan is not convinced since they haven’t found any bodies. Well, that changes when they find the body of whatever is left of a dear.

Yep…I Think We Have Our Evidence That Something Is Killing Off The Wildlife

Jonathan takes pictures and then they wonder what is killing them because based on the tracks, whatever was killing the animals came from under the ground.

Sadly, Not A Graboid, But Something Even More Stupid.

Jonathan tells Gabe that they may have stumbled upon the greatest scientific discovery of their lifetime. However, Gabe says that whatever did this gives him an uneasy feeling in his stomach and he suggests getting out of here. But Jonathan says they owe it to science to see what creature did this. The two decide to go to camp and they will vote with Bianca to see where they go from here. Unfortunately for them, they come back to camp and see that it is without Bianca. They call out to her and before you think the creature got to her while they were away (like would happen in most movies), a voice from her tells them to come “over here”. They come over to where she is and see a giant hole.

They then have a theory about the creature being frozen for centuries and the unseen earthquake awoke it from its long slumber. Jonathan of course thinks that a creature from Prehistoric times is exciting, but Gabe tells him that this is actually terrifying, although with the emotionless way he is acting (as are both he and Bianca acting), I’m wondering if he are trying to convince Jonathan of that or he as the director is trying to tell the audience at home of this.

Gabe then basically mentions that this might be a dinosaur, which is enough for Jonathan to also want to go back and report their findings. Bianca is wondering what they saw and they see the shark fin around.

The shark comes at them and immediately kills Gabe.

Jonathan and Bianca run away and for some reason separate.


Of course since Jonathan has a last name on the credits, Bianca trips and is the one the shark kills.

Jonathan hears her screams and decides to instead of continuing to run, but instead start going on his tape recorder and recording his last log. And of course, the editing and camera work makes it seem like Jonathan dies.

They Even Have A Blood Splatter To Go Along With The Screams.

I say they make it seem like he is dead because later in the film, he is going to be revealed to be alive. Sorry for spoiling it this early, but considering the effort I feel the filmmakers put in making this film entertaining, I’m going to put that same effort into not spoiling things and heck, I may still put more effort.

We Finally Get Our Title Card. Yeah, You Know My Issues With Late Title Cards.

And after the opening credits, we get random newspaper clippings talking about the scientists’ disappearance as well as other news that basically is telling you what is going on in this town.

So now, we get 12 years later.

Yeah, It Is 12 Years Later From The Scientists Attack, Not 12 Years Later From The Last Newspaper Article.

After all of that, we get a boy named Alex and girl named Leslie heading somewhere where there is a boat in the snowy backyard.

Alex is wondering where Leslie is taking him and she responds that it shouldn’t matter where she is taking him, as long as she is taking him there. Um…wouldn’t that be something someone would say before they kill you.

Alex, You Should Be Concerned…

Alex, then actually gets concerned and tells Leslie that bad things happen in this area. But Leslie is insistent that they are just urban legends. Alex wants to leave and Leslie wants him to kiss her. Alex says he will do whatever she wants as long as they leave. The shark fin shows up and when Alex turns around, Leslie is gone. He only finds her glasses.

And Blood Too…That Can’t Be Good

Suddenly the fin comes towards Alex and we hear Alex get killed.

Yeah, We Get Shitty Shark Fin Vision. Seriously, That Can’t Be The Shark’s Eyes Since Hits Eyes Would Be In The Snow Actually.

And now Alex is still standing, but trying to hold his organs in place.

He comes over to a hunter and falls over.

The hunter asks what did this to him and Alex says a snow shark did it to him before dying.

We go over Mayor Shawn Overman’s house where he is getting coffee from his secretary or wife named Phyllis.

He is visited by a man named Mr. Campbell who talks about the incident that just happened.

Mr. Campbell Will Only Be In This Scene Probably Because He Already Has Too Punchable A Face And This Film Isnt Going To Give Us The Satisfaction Of Seeing Him Killed

Mr. Campbell says that he believes the two teens who are dead must have been delusional, but the mayor says he didn’t ask for his opinion. He tells Campbell to get the sheriff on the phone and tell him to meet him at the town hall. Campbell says that he hopes the mayor isn’t believing this snow shark business, but the mayor just tells him that it doesn’t matter if he believes it or not, just do what he says.

So now we go to a town hall meeting where the audience talk to each other about wondering what got him. In whispers, Overman talks to Sheriff Donald Chapman about how he is not going to lose control of this town and if he doesn’t handle this, he will be going back to the mom and pop store that sells pig shit and cow slop, which he’ll be doing security at. Chapman then tells the townsfolk that the mayor and him have been working hard on this matter to figure out what happened. The mayor says that he is putting together a team to figure out what happened. One guy wants to go out there in a posse to find whatever killed him and kill it. Chapman tries to tell the guy (whose name is Jason) that it was an animal.

Suddenly, this meeting is interrupted by Mike Evans.

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Star Of This Movie And Also Director Of This Movie, Sam Qualiana.

Mike says it was a snow shark who did this and Chapman tries to tell him that there is no such thing as a snow shark. Chapman says he killed the thing 7 years ago and everyone knows it. The mayor tries to say what happened here is not the same as what happened to him and his friends. He says that the original sheriff and 3 others died those years ago. He says he killed it, but it gave him something to remember it by.

The sheriff then calmly explained to Mike that the doctor on the autopsy report says it was a bear who killed them. Mike says that is horseshit and he knows it. He says he has the body of the beast to prove it, but he said they went and burned it. Deputy Carmichael says he doesn’t where he used the shark, but it was just used the scam people.

That’s Carmichael

Mike says he killed it once and maybe there is another so he plans on killing it again. He tells the authorities to not get in his way because he plans on killing it again. The sheriff tells Mike to stay out of the woods or he will be arrested. Mike says he can do what he has to do, but he is going to stop it and he along with a group of hunters leave. The mayor tells the townsfolk to not believe anything Mike says before wanting to speak with the sheriff privately. Shawn tells Donald to make sure make sure Mike doesn’t do something stupid by arresting him. Donald says Mike hasn’t done anything wrong to be arrested for and the mayor tells him to make something up, just as long as he isn’t in the woods.

That night we go to a party where two guys and two girls are in a hot tub.

More Fodder For The Death Count And Two Women Who Will Definitely Be Showing Their Boobs.

Yes, Beavis and Butthead, There Are Boobs In This Scene And Because Most Of This Is Them Topless, I Can Not Show Those Scenes Nor The Kills. Don’t Worry, It’s Not Like This Film Shows Much Of The Kills Anyway

One of the guys leaves because he needs more beer. He goes to get the beer and see the fin coming towards him.

One of the chicks with the black hair with red streaks goes out because she needs a beer as well. She sees that the guy who left them is missing and she goes looking for him. The shark fin comes towards her and she is dead.

The other girl hears the scream and she decides to investigate. The guy in the tub falls asleep and she sees the fin. She screams and we cut to know they are both dead.

We then go to the offices of cryptozoologist Lincoln Anderson.

His secretary Penny comes in and talks to him. Lincoln says that he is going to be taking off for a few days and asks her to deliver some papers to Professor Hooper for him. She asks if this is another Monster hunt and he says it is something like that.

We then go to Sheriff Chapman’s house where he is talking to his son, Bruce. Donald asks his son about getting a job at the shop and Bruce just says that he was busy all day. He asks what his excuse is today and Bruce says he was hanging out with his friend Doug and he got sidetracked. Donald says this is another moment of his son getting sidetracked and if he doesn’t get a job soon, Bruce is going to have to find another place to live. Bruce says that makes no sense for him to be put out on the streets where he can’t even afford to survive if he can’t make any money to live in the house. They have an argument that involves Bruce using his mom’s death as argument as well as Donald saying that Doug being a bad influence.

This Guy Is The Director’s Dad And Sadly May Be The Best Actor Here

Anyway, Bruce says that he hates his dad and he leaves.

So he goes over to Doug’s house.

Remember when Donald said Doug is a bad influence? Well, it turns out it is the exact opposite as Ethan is the bad influence. During their conversation, Doug is worried about getting caught by his dad for drinking the beers as he can smell beer on his son’s breath and Bruce responds by calling him a pussy and telling him to chew some gum afterwards. And in probably the biggest moments, Ethan complains to Doug about his dad being so on him about getting a job and his best friend (the so called bad influence) tells him that maybe he should just get a job so he can have stuff to do. Ethan’s response is he has stuff to do which is basically to not do stuff. Can we just kill Bruce already?

We notice the shark is watching them. Doug wonders if his dad and Bruce’s dad used to do the same thing back in the day. Bruce says it doesn’t matter as his dad decided to get all high and mighty and not want to hang around drunk hicks anymore. Doug says that Bruce’s dad hasn’t been the same since Bruce’s mom’s death and maybe Bruce should go easy on his dad. Bruce says it isn’t fair to him either as his dad treats him like an asshole. Doug says he has fights with his own dad all the time and while he may not be the nicest guy to him, he is still his dad. Bruce goes over to take a piss and while doing so, the shark attacks him.

Bruce screams and Doug comes to get him. But Doug is too late and all he can do is watch Bruce be dragged away.

Doug runs to get somebody. The next day, Deputy Carmichael is interviewing Doug and his parents as Sheriff Chapman comes by. Carmichael tries to tell him not go look, but Donald says this is his son they are talking about so he has to see. So he goes to see what is left of his son.

Carmichael said he told him he didn’t want to see this and Chapman has one of the few legit good acting moments this film has as he grieves over the death of his son and says that he was all he had left. He also regrets their last conversation where his son said he hated him and left. Other people say that this definitely isn’t a wolf or bear and must be the snow shark. Donald goes over to Doug and asks him what happened. The response from Doug is the sheriff wouldn’t believe him even if he told him, but the sheriff at this point is willing to believe anything. Doug is reasonable with his answer that maybe it was dark so he didn’t see all of it, but he swears what he saw was a shark. Donald goes to leave and Carmichael asks his boss where he plans on going, the sheriff responds that he has a shark to kill.

We go to a meeting room where Lincoln Anderson meets with animal biologist Wendy Gardner and monster hunter Cameron Caine.

Basically both the cryptozoologist and the animal biologist want to keep the animal that is doing this alive for preservation and the monster hunter is just out to kill it. And then the mayor comes in. Basically the mayor doesn’t care how it is done, but he wants it out of his town and he doesn’t want anyone to know about it. Of course, the mention of it being a snow shark surprises Cameron Caine who can’t believe such a thing exists because he didn’t read the memo. Oh and we definitely get hostility between Caine and Gardner because Cameron doesn’t really think highly of women and Wendy doesn’t think highly of hunters. I have basically just summed up what an entire scene is about in this one fucking paragraph because it is so nothing.

Anyway…at the end, the mayor tells them to go to the local motel and the sheriff will meet them there so they can be on their way. So then we go to a place where all of Mike Evans’ posse are getting ready to kill this creature.

Vic and the boys are a little cocky about killing this thing with the numbers game and Mike keeps telling them to not underestimate this creature. We then get to meet a guy in a Santa suit.

How Dare You Try To Act Like Santa So Horribly? You Will Die, Mother Fucker!!!

He laughs as he gets this cute toy.

I Don’t Know Where To Get One Of Those, But I Fucking Want It

We realize this fake Santa hates kids and is only doing this whole thing because he owes some guy named Sal a favor. We then get to see the sheriff get locked and loaded as it is obvious he plans to go out there and kill this snow shark as well. The sheriff meets with the team and he gives them the quick rundown on what has been happening in this town. Wendy wants to run some tests on the soil, where the attacks occurred and Caine keeps acting like an asshole. We then go to a junkyard, where this guy who is pretending to be Santa runs.

The crew gives the guy (whose name is Ethan) crap about being dressed as Santa and he tells them to get back to work. Ethan then goes outside and he gets killed by the snow shark.

Out in the woods with the posse, Mike gives the group a pep talk about staying in pairs, stay focused on the agenda at hand, and stay alive. Oh and he also says that when this is all said and done, the drinks will be on him, which everyone is happy about. Mike goes with his good friend Vic. We get a moment between the two as they talk about why it has taken 7 years for another one to attack and that Mike thinks about the horror of the first incident every day. People in the posse start getting killed immediately.

That’s the only people we see get killed and immediately Mike believes everyone has been killed. Mike goes after it because one of the people we see get killed, just so happens to be his brother Bobby. Vic threatens to punch Mike to make sure he gets out of here, but before he can convince Mike to leave…

Vic Gets Killed

Mike shoots at the shark, but is unable to kill it. He just keeps yelling for the creature to come back and fight him. We go back to the sheriff’s house where he allows the team to get their stuff ready for this hunt. Caine continues to be an asshole and continues to be sexist towards Wendy with his pet names for her. The sheriff tries to get everyone to work together and Caine makes the mistake of joking about this silly little shark. The sheriff tells him that the silly little shark killed his son, which causes Caine to apologize and agree to work with the others.

The four head out to the woods and Caine finds a new way to be an asshole as he now feels like they all are going to die. Wendy goes to take samples of the area while Lincoln sets up a motion camera. Wendy tries to then comfort Donald, but Donald just wants the job done. Lincoln gets the motion camera set and they decide to call it a day so they can see what happens.

Deputy Carmichael goes to the sister in law of Mike Evans named Daphne and asks is she called about an emergency, but instead she throws a newspaper at him and says that her husband died yesterday yet the sheriff’s department aren’t doing a damn thing.

Yeah, Ma’am…You Just Threw Something At A Police Officer After Making A False Emergency Call. In The Real World, That Deputy Would Be Taking You Away In Handcuffs And If You Are Extremely Unlucky, Your Ass Will Appear On An Episode Of Cops.

Instead Carmichael just tells her that they have a team investigating the attacks. He says he is sorry about her loss and then says her husband isn’t the only person who has been killed. She asks why aren’t they going out there to kill this thing and Carmichael says they don’t know what it is. Her response is they know damn well that it is that Snow Shark. She just tells him off and goes back inside.

That night at the bar, Mike gets into an argument with Daphne over Mike’s brother and her husband’s deaths. Daphne thinks Mike should be still out there and Mike isn’t happy that she is drinking. He yells at her about being out there and Daphne breaks down. Mike apologizes and when she asks about when this will all be over, Mike says it will be soon. Daphne makes Mike to promise her that he will kill that snow shark. Daphne leaves after Mike promises to do so.

The bartender then talks to Mike and they both toast to the memory of Mike’s brother. After a little while, suddenly a man in an eye patch comes in. Some friends talk to Mike and really hope he doesn’t believe in the snow shark rumors. They then get interrupted by the guy in the eye patch.

Who Is Professor Hoffman, Who Faked His Own Death After Being Scarred By The Shark

Yep, he reveals his identity and wants to help Mike kill the shark since both of them seem to be kept alive just because of the shark lets them and they believe the shark wants them to suffer. Hoffman says he used to believe that the world deserved to know the evolution of different species and used to be fascinated by the discovery of oddities, but now he feels that the world is better off not knowing. Hoffman tries to act like Robert Shaw’s USS Indianapolis Speech from Jaws with this monologue, but he fails. Both of them agree to kill the damn thing. The bartender wishes them good luck.

At Mike’s house, they prepare to kill the shark. Hoffman makes an observation that either way, the shark wins. If the shark gets them, they are dead. But if they kill the shark, they have nothing to fight for. Mike then observes that Hoffman keeps calling the shark a “she” and asks why he thinks it is a female, Hoffman responds that only a woman could take everything from a man and still want more. Mike laughs and says Hoffman is one crazy son of a bitch, which Hoffman agrees to. Tonight, they just drink to forget all the bad things that happened to them, which goes into a montage of them just drinking and toasting.

The next day, Lincoln checks on his motion camera and when Caine asks if he found anything, he says that there is nothing at all. Lincoln doesn’t get it as it couldn’t find any animal. Caine says that the only way they are going to find this creature is if they just go out and look for it. Wendy comes in and accidentally gets called Tina by Caine because she looks like a Tina he knew. Wendy of course gets pissed about having to deal with him. Donald comes in and Caine says that they should just look for the damn thing. Basically, they did things the science way and it didn’t work so they can now do the hunting way.

Mike and Hoffman are also outside hunting the creature. With the sheriff’s group, Lincoln asks Donald if he hears anything and the sheriff says no, which worries him. Suddenly, the shark fins show up and they realize that the shark has just been watching them. Wendy immediately gets killed.

Lincoln worries that they are all going to die and Caine says no one else is going to die. So immediately afterwards, Caine is killed.

Donald and Lincoln are definitely worried, but they meet Mike and Hoffman. Hoffman says they heard gunshots and asks if they are okay. Donald says that they just lost two people so they want to leave. Mike says that he and Hoffman are staying as they are either going to kill the beast or die trying in their last stand. They ultimately agree to work together to kill the beast.

Hoffman plans on building a fire to attract the creature and if they build a big enough fire, the heat will leave the creature confused which they can use as an advantage. They agree to this plan and Hoffman gives off a smile.

They pour gasoline all over the place and Hoffman is about to light the fireplace when the shark decides to attack him.

Donald, Mike, and Lincoln try to fire at the shark, but it is too late and Hoffman is dead. This also screws their whole plan of luring it with a fire as Hoffman had the lighter. Mike decides to go off and tells the other two to leave as the shark wants him. He then reveals the grenade.

He plans on luring the shark to him and blowing himself up and the shark. The shark then bites Mike’s legs off.

Mike laughs and sobs about his legs being gone, telling the other two to leave. Donald and Lincoln decide to finally leave. The shark comes in for the kill, but unfortunately for the beast, Mike made good on that grenade promise, killing himself and the beast.

Donald and Lincoln see the blast and have a sigh of relief about the shark being dead. Donald tells Deputy Carmichael over the radio of its death and Lincoln tells Don that they need to get an excavation team here to take the shark’s remains, saying this is a great find for cryptozoology and history in general. But as they leave, they realize that they just killed one snow shark and there are more out there.

They run away as we cut to Daphne going to the grave of her husband. As she leaves, a snow shark appears and the camera does a close-up to her horrified face as a scream is heard, knowing that Daphne is dead.

And thus this film ends. And since there are no aftermaths to this, let’s get to the final thoughts.

This movie………is just uninteresting. Everything feels so cheap. The acting is just not up to much. The blood effects are so-so and the shark effects are just bad. The editing is bad and that one guy being alive via editing makes no sense. It’s just a film that should have been taken humorously like a satire and instead, they tried to make this a serious idea, which basically falls flat when you see the film. I feel bad as I am sure the director came into this film with good intentions and wanted to make this entertaining as this seemed like a project of his with the film being originally a short story turned into a full length film. Normally any short film that the director turns into a feature film is normally something that he feels much pride in (see Tim Burton when he remade his short Frankenweenie into a full length film). But sadly I must be honest and honest I am in saying that this really is a nothing film and a film that demanded a bigger budget.

So now that we are done with this movie and you know, this probably should have been a film inducted in December so…


*Sigh* Go on…

You may not have inducted this film in December, but I will enjoy watching you watch this film and suffer as the film the fans decided for you is…The Black Christmas Remake!!!

Well, This Is Going To Suck…

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