Saturday, August 29, 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem (2007)

Monster Crap Inductee: Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
Who Wins? We Don’t Know Because It Is Hard To See Anything.


A year before this film was ever released, I started Monster Crap and the second induction ever was the 2004 bastardization of a great battle of two franchises in Alien vs. Predator. For those of you who do not remember me inducting that film, go read that induction here. But let me just basically sum it up for you. It is present day and Charles Wayland has found a pyramid under the ice of Antarctica which could tell that all the ancient pyramids were helped in their building by an alien race in the Predators and we find out that these pyramids also house the Xenomorphs who the young Predators hunted so they could be seen as a legit hunter. Consider it a trial by fire or such. If the young unarmed Predators won, they joined the Predator ranks and if they didn’t, well….they had to blow themselves up and all the aliens (and also humans) with their little nuclear device that is attached to their wrists.

My main problems with this film was 1) it was PG-13 and 2) they made the Predators be complete bitches so the only capable hunter is a human female (who unlike Ripley of the Alien series, is not strong enough to carry that role). Basically I made jokes about how she must have dated someone to get herself to look like a badass at the expense of the Predators, who if you have seen any of the films, could not help but be complete badasses in their hunting, even though they would always get killed by a single human who was also a badass (except in Predators where it took two humans to kill the one final Predator in an ambush).

In that review, I prayed that AVP: Requiem, which was already announced and had a trailer out for it when I did the induction, would be better. Well, way more than 100 inductions later, we finally induct the sequel to the much hated Alien Vs. Predator. But let’s get to the making of this film.

The directors of this film would not be Paul W.S. Anderson (because he completely had no idea how to do the first one) and would be in the hands of the Brothers Strause who had never directed a single thing and were only special effects guys. Even though like I said Paul WS Anderson screwed the pooch on the first one, getting two guys who had only directed music videos to direct this…..was a huge downgrade. But the good news is this film would be R-Rated. The cast they got was Steven Pasquale (who played one of David’s gay lovers in Six Feet Under), Reiko Aylesworth (who played Michelle Dessler in Seasons 2-5 of 24), Joe Ortiz (who was in Carlito’s Way, Ransom, Amistad, and the film version of Miami Vice), Ariel Gade (who was the little girl in the Dark Water remake), Rainbow Sun Francks (who played Lt. Aiden Ford in Stargate Atlantis) and Robert Joy (who played Dr. Sid Hammerlock in CSI: NY).

So considering I had to actually look up all these people and considering the last person I talked about who made music videos before getting a franchise film to be their first film was Samuel Bayer of the horrible Nightmare on Elm Street remake, this film is not in the best of hands. But let’s get some déjà vu going and induct this crap.

We begin this film with a bunch of Predator symbols from their bomb devices, which ultimately translate into the title.

And The Title Is About To Explode And Blind Us All!!!

We then go to where the last movie left off with the Predator ship leaving and the last dead Predator from the last film having a chest burster come out of him.

So then we get a CGI scene that were actually cut from the theatrical cut, but was put back into the film in the Director’s Cut (the version that is on DVD). I don’t understand why it was put it, but basically…it is the mother ship sending another scout ship to Earth. Then as the scout ship is heading back to Earth, we get to see that the now grown Predator-Xenomorph hybrid has hitched a ride on the ship and is attacking the Predator crew.

Get Used To The Having Trouble Seeing Things Because This Film’s Lighting Completely Sucks Monkey Balls

More Predators get killed and they are trying to stop what is killing them, which fails as the ship ultimately comes crashing down to Earth as a father and son are hunting.

In All Actuality Here, The Original Script That Was Written For This Treatment Actually Had The Predator-Xenomorph Hybrid That Was Sequel-Baited In The Last Film, Die In The Crash And Have A Bunch Of Face-Huggers That Were Also On The Ship Be The Monsters Here. However, The Two Directing Brothers Like The Hybrid So Much, That They Said “Fuck That Shit” And Kept The Damn Monster Alive. There Are Not Many Things You Can Thank These Directors For, But Keeping The Hybrid, Which Is Going To Be Called A PredAlien (Which They Named Chet After Bill Paxton’s Character In Weird Science) Alive Is One Of Them.

The father and son duo, being redneck idiots, decide to investigate because calling someone to investigate was not in their mind’s wheelhouse. Oh and just so you know, this is supposed to be in Colorado (although most of the film was shot in Vancouver).

You Can Kind Of Guess Darwin Award Winners Here.

Meanwhile, as we see face huggers escape from their containments, we see the final Predator left from this scout ship get killed by the PredAlien, just as the Predator was setting up the bomb.

The father and son duo finally decide to go tell the sheriff about what they found instead of you know, telling him something crashed. But unfortunately, they get attacked by facehuggers. The Father shoots the first one, but its acidic blood gets on his arm, which causes him to lose it.

As he sees his once attached arm, another facehugger latches onto his face.

Then a facehugger gets the kid.

At the Predator home world (the only time I believe we get to see this), a Predator is told about the crash so he gets his gear and goes to take care of it.

And This Predator Is Sitting On His Thrown Like A Boss

Enjoy The Only Time You Will Ever See The Predator Homeworld Because It Is Expensive As Hell To Do.

Back in Colorado (Gunnison, Colorado to be exact), we see the sheriff named Eddie Morales waiting for a bus to arrive.

Oh Man, Maybe If I Am Sneaky Enough…I Can Get Off This Film. Wait, There Is A Camera On Me? Dammit!

Oh And BTW…This Greyhound Bus Says It Is Heading To Crested Butte Next. Even Though Crested Butte Is 90 Miles North Of Gunnison, Greyhound Buses Are Not Allowed To Drop People Off There. Hell, They Are Not Allowed To Drop People Off In Gunnison. That’s Because Both Towns Are Contracted To Another Bus Company. Don’t Know Why The Directors Went With Them As The Other Bus Company (Black Hills Stage Lines, LLC) Is Probably Cheaper To Rent Than A Damn Greyhound.

The man who comes off the bus is Dallas Howard, who has come back from prison after serving time for well…they never say, but everyone calls him a fuck up. Dallas talks about how he usually rode in the back and that Eddie used to be with him a couple of those times. Eddie asks Dallas if he regret what he did (to get into prison) and Dallas says that he doesn’t. They have small talk about Dallas’ future and we ultimately get to when they talk about Dallas’ brother Ricky, who we cut to in the next scene as he is a pizza delivery guy.

Oh Boy….It’s Johnny Lewis (Half Sack From Sons Of Anarchy) In An Earlier Role. This Is Rather Haunting To See Knowing What He Did Later In Life.

Anyway, Ricky is bossed by his boss, Drew, who explains to Ricky that the only reason Ricky got this job is because of his guidance counselor, who Ricky jokes is apparently hot.

Drew gives him an address and Ricky says he can’t go there, but Drew says he will go there, get this delivery done, or he is fired. Considering what happens afterwards, if Ricky told the higher ups about this…Drew might see himself in some deep shit because he didn’t listen to Ricky when he said he couldn’t go there.

Another police officer goes into the woods and enters an old drainage area that leads to the sewers. There, this officer meets a homeless guy who is crashing here.

In Probably One Of The Few Times Why I Almost Understand Why The Lighting Is Bad, This Was Shot At An Actual Abandoned Part Of The Sewers. I Say Almost Because You Could Still Get More Lighting In Here.

The homeless guy’s dog comes back with a rotting hand (the father from earlier).

The cop calls this in because that is what you do in this situation. Ricky goes to the house and sees Jesse, a girl he has been crushing on. After a few minutes, he goes up to the house to deliver the pizza.

She tells him to come in as her wallet is in the kitchen. As he comes in, we see Jesse’s boyfriend Dale Collins and his friends who crack horrible jokes about this being Halloween.

Ricky comes back with an actual good joke in saying that now he knows who ordered the Sausage Lovers. In the kitchen, we see that Jesse likes Ricky and tells him that she is considering dumping Dale before giving him the money. As Ricky goes back to his car, he is sucker punched by Dale, who is helped in this assault by his friends.

As Jesse tries in vain to stop them, Dale tells Ricky that he is never supposed to be here and throws his keys into the sewers.

Like I said earlier, if Ricky tells somebody that Drew forced him to go to a house where Ricky knows Dale will beat the shit out of him for coming, Drew would be in some deep shit for endangering his employees. No matter the case of he did it knowingly or unknowingly, Drew didn’t even consider that there was a reason Ricky said he couldn’t make that delivery and that’s negligence.

Sheriff Eddie goes to the woods and sees that the car the father and son came in on is empty. This causes Eddie to be concerned as he knows that the father goes out with the kid for hunting and the father is probably the one whose hand was found. Speaking of the father and son, the son wakes up from what happens earlier and sees the face hugger dead next to him. He sees his father’s chest is in pain and a chest burster comes out of him, which kills the dad.

The kid’s stomach starts to hurt too and in the theatrical version, it cuts because we know what his fate is and we don’t need to see him killed. But that wasn’t good enough for the Brothers Strause because in the Unrated Cut, they show the kid getting killed as the chest burster comes out of him.

You know, in some strange way, I would almost call this Pointless Child Death as this (as well as later deaths) is the way the aliens are in masses when they attack. But the directors of this film in their commentary are proud of this death and they wanted to do it so it is PCD. So to the Brothers Strause, I have one thing to say to you as a man who has two nephews: Fuck You.

A cab arrives and we see a soldier Kelly O’Brien has returned from overseas to her husband Tim and daughter Molly.

Kelly gives Molly night vision binoculars and at first, Molly seems not thrilled with them, but Tim convinces her that these are great. Meanwhile, Ricky tries to sneak in the house through the window, but gets caught by Dallas, who he didn’t know was coming home today.

Ricky tells his brother about what happens, once Dallas badgers him into telling him. It is obvious that Ricky doesn’t have much respect for Dallas and doesn’t want to turn into him, although Dallas is hoping for the same thing. Dallas tells him to give him the bat and they both go over to get the keys back from the sewers.

Elsewhere, facehuggers go into the sewers and get the homeless guy from earlier and his friend while the dog runs away.

A female homeless person comes in and thinks the other two guys are holding out on her, but she sees their body and is seen by the PredAlien, her fate happening off-screen.

Like I Said, If You Can’t See Most Of This….Blame The Brothers Strause, Not Me As These Were The Best Shots I Could Get.

 A Predator ship drops the Predator off onto Earth.

Man, It’s Fucking Dark On Earth. Thankfully, I Have This Setting So I Can See Where The Hell I Am Going.

The Predator enters the crashed ship and finds the other Predator that had been killed by the PredAlien after the ship had crashed. He takes off his mask and puts on the other Predator’s mask so he can see what the hell caused the ship to crash. After seeing this, the Predator now knows what his mission is and activates the dead Predator’s bomb wrist. The Predator then runs away from the explosion.

Molly tries to play with her new night vision binoculars, but Kelly comes in and tries to say it is bed time. Molly says she is not sleepy yet, but Tim comes in and tells his daughter that it is bed time. Kelly is about to read Molly a story, but Molly wants daddy to read it so she lets Tim do so as she sulks. Tim asks his daughter if she remembers all those times she says she misses mommy and then tells her that it is okay if you tell mom that.

Then we get another scene that was deleted from the theatrical version and put on this version. Unlike the last scene, this scene I am glad they put back in the movie as it is a scene where Kelly, who had just taken a shower and is now in a robe, talks about maybe regretting leaving the two behind. Tim says she doesn’t need to regret that and just tells her it will take time for things to go completely back to the way they used to be. This version really should have been in the theatrical version as it makes the husband more of a nice guy who really does love his wife.

Scenes Like These At Times Are Needed In Movies, Especially Because They Make What Happens Later That Much More Impactful

Back in the streets, Dallas gets open the manhole cover and is about to go into the sewer. Dallas wants Ricky to go in alone, but Ricky doesn’t want Jesse to see him covered in shit so he coerces Dallas to come as well, although Dallas asks if they really are going to be covered in shit.

Nope…No Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Here, Although They Would Have Been Mad Anyway That Ricky Didn’t Bring Them Any Pizza Since He Is A Pizza Delivery Boy And All.

In the sewers, they do notice a couch down there and note that it is nicer than theirs. Rats are also down here, but they are going towards them and away from whatever they are heading to. While they are digging through shit to get the keys, Dallas asks about Jesse. Jesse just brushes him off until they see something and wonder what it is.

I’d Say It Was A Chest Burster, But Given The Terrible Lighting….I Can’t 100% Confirm That

Ricky finds the keys and after hearing noises, they decide to get the hell out of there. Meanwhile, as the Eddie and Deputy Ray make plans to search for the father and son, the father’s wife Darcy shows up and wants to know what is happening.

They say they are looking for them and for her to go him, but Darcy’s brother shows up with his friends and guns and says that they are looking for the father and son too whether the sheriff likes it or not.

The search starts and after the search has been called off, the Predator has already found the bodies of the father and son (along with the face huggers who are dead). But he’s not going to let the others find the bodies.

Instead, He Is Going To Disintegrate The Bodies So No One Ever Knows What Happened To Them Nor Sees The Face Huggers Because This Is A Clean Up Mission For The Predator. Basically This Predator Is Going To Be Oliver North.

Without Having To Deal With The Punishment For Destroying Evidence

Unfortunately, he does get busted by Deputy Ray.

Unfortunately, Ray’s walkie talkie speaks and the Predator sees him. Ray tries to make a run for it, but the Predator kills him via his wrist blades to the back.

The next morning, signs are being posted wanting any information as to the whereabouts of the father and son. In the diner, Eddie is talking to Dallas and then Ray’s wife Carrie and Eddie finds out that Ray never came home last night.

That of course worries the sheriff and he goes back to the woods to look for Ray as well as the father and son. Unfortunately for them, they do find Ray skinned and hanging on a tree like the Predator did in the first Predator movie.

Hold On!!!

As we saw earlier, this Predator is here to just destroy evidence and yet we have a scene here where he silenced someone, but someone made damn sure people could find his kill. That makes no freaking sense whatsoever. Oh, but it gets better in the directors’ commentary as they try to make some excuse for it before ultimately saying just shut up, we wanted to do this homage to the first Predator movie. Brothers, when you do homages to previous films, make damn sure you do them in a way that doesn’t immediately spit in the face of the movie you are doing now. Oh and the Strause Brothers wanted to have a scene where the Predator was skinning him, but Fox put a stop to that, saying the scene would be too horrific.

At the morgue, the coroner is stunned by all of this and tells Eddie that he is way in over his head before asking him what he is going to do. Eddie tells him he will let him know when he figures it out. Meanwhile, the Predator is now in the sewers and he is disintegrating bodies there as well.

As Ricky gets ready for work, Jesse shows up. She tells him that she dumped Dale and invites Ricky for some alone time at the pool later. Back in the sewers, the Predator steps up booby traps for the Xenomorphs. Xenomorphs attack and unlike the last movie, the Predator shoots the aliens into the traps with ease, with the traps of course cutting them into pieces.

As he has two more Xenomorphs and is about to kill them, the PredAlien shows up and knocks the Predator over.

The PredAlien then orders the lesser Xenomorphs to the surface.

Nothing To See Here

The Predator goes into camo mode. Carrie gets ready to close up the diner. The cook asks if she wants to talk and Carrie doesn’t. He even offers for her to spend the night at him and his wife’s place, but she has other plans. The cook then says he will see her tomorrow with a face that almost makes you think this guy might be a bit sleazy.

They Originally Wanted Bill Paxton To Be The Cook, But Schedules Said No.

Carrie goes out, but she hears ruckus in the kitchen and screams from the cook so she goes to investigate. She then sees the PredAlien acting like a Predator in ripping off the cook’s spine along with the skull. Carrie tries to run, but a Xenomorph blocks her escape and scares her into staying put.

There the PredAlien sees her and attacks.

Well, I Think He Attacks Because It Lunges At Her And We Cut To The Next Scene.

The next scene being in Molly’s bedroom where she has decided that she is going to use her night vision binoculars.

Then as if we didn’t cut enough, we have to go to bar where Dallas and Eddie are having a drink.

Eddie tells Dallas that they found Ray’s body in the woods, skinned alive. Dallas wonders if Eddie thinks this has something to do with the father and son disappearing. Eddie says that he thinks this kind of thing doesn’t happen here. Dallas asks if Eddie has told Carrie yet and Eddie shakes his head. The voice on his walkie-talkie tells him that there is reports of a gas explosion that has caused destruction of the road. Dallas decides to go with him as they sort this road issue.

Meanwhile, the Predator battles Xenomorphs at a power station and of course, humans who are just trying to do their damn job and take care of the power station get killed.

And We Never See The Predator Clean Up This Scene So At This Point, The Predator Has Given Up On The “Getting Rid Of Evidence” Plan Because Fuck It, People Know Shit Is Going Down. In Fact, He Lets Another Guy Go Who Saw The Body

The Predator even gets injured in this fight. But he kills a few Xenomorphs afterwards. Ultimately, it takes out power to the entire town.

So at the pool, Jesse is waiting for Ricky and Ricky decides to come. They sneak into to the pool area and Jesse forgets to bring her bathing suit so she brought some lingerie instead.

They start making out, but that gets interrupted by Dale and his friends as Dale doesn’t take being dumped well. Dale taunts Ricky by saying he “taught this slut everything she knows”. Ricky gets pissed so he charges at all three of them and they all fall into the pool. Of course, they start ganging up on Ricky in the pool and Jesse tries to stop them, saying they are going to drown him. Then a Xenomorph breaks into the pool.

Somewhere In My Mind, The Baywatch Theme Is Playing And I Am Picturing This Xenomorph In A Red Bathing Suit

That felt good doing. Anyway, everyone starts swimming out of the pool, but the black friend (isn’t it always) of Dale gets killed in the pool.

Hey Black Guy, The Xenomorph Is Just There To Give You Mouth To Mouth……Oh Yeah, That Would Be A Terrible Thing To Happen.

The rest start running out of the building and try to escape through a back window (because the front door was too damn far). It is here where Dale’s other friend gets killed.

The rest, knowing his fate, run away. Eddie and Dallas get a call about the disturbance at the power station and they head there. Back to the O’Brien household and Molly is using the night vision binoculars to look at the backyard and what she sees terrifies her.

Oh No, Xenomorphs Have Invaded The Backyard. Hopefully They Are Not Here For A Party. That Will Wake Up The Neighbors For Sure.

Molly screams and tells her mommy and daddy about the monster she saw. Of course, the parents don’t believe this until daddy gets attacked and killed by one of them.

Bye Tim, You Were A Great And Understanding Husband So Of Course, The Strause Brothers Had To Kill You Off And All.

Kelly and Molly run out of the house and get into the car.

Or They Just Run Into The Streets…..I Guess That Works Too.

At the pool, the Xenomoprh drags the second dead friend and decides to eat his brain with his tongue.

His Tongue Must Have Been Hungry

The Predator shows up and kills this Xenomorph.

And of course because this Predator likes to be inconsistent as all hell, he decides to dump all the bodies in the pool and dump acid into it, destroying all the bodies.

Consistency Is All Anyone Is Asking For….Well, That And Better Lighting.

At the power station where the place is now on freaking fire, fire crews have come out. Eddie calls dispatch to call the National Guard as they have to evacuate the entire town. So yes, a power outage and fire to one power station means an immediate evacuation. Jeez…in most towns, you are just told to stay in your freaking homes and only a small portion of the houses nearby are evacuated. This town must need their damn power or they die.

Or Maybe Electricity Is The Only Way At Night They Keep The Morlocks From Invading, I Don’t Know.

Ricky, Dale, and Jesse show up to tell them that some creature has broken into the pool and killed Dale’s friends. Eddie and Dallas go investigating the pool and while they find no bodies, they find plenty of blood because while this Predator does believe in cleaning up bodies (at times), cleaning blood is much too hard. Eddie gets back to try and call dispatch for backup, but dispatch has been disconnected.

Darcy from earlier comes in to pick up Carrie so they can spend the night together. She finds Carrie alive, but she is only alive for a short time as she got impregnated by the PredAlien and the chest bursters come out of her.

Dang….The PredAlien Must Be Very Fertile With Three Chest Bursters Coming Out Of One Person Instead Of The Usual One Chest Buster Per Person.

Darcy smartly runs away. Meanwhile, the Predator is bleeding on a freaking tree.

I Only Mention This Because In The Commentary By The Effects People, They Mention That There Was A Park Supervisor Who Was Very Anally Retentive About This One Tree That They Put Green Blood On.

Kelly and Molly run into a graveyard where they are halted at gunpoint by the caretaker, who is hiding. Molly starts crying and the caretaker threatens to shoot her if she doesn’t keep quiet so he gets his head blown off by the Predator.

Predator Doesn’t Like It When You Talk Mean To Kids

Eddie is driving everyone back to the police station, even though Ricky thinks that isn’t a hot idea. He almost runs over Darcy, but thankfully doesn’t so he can get word that Carrie is dead. Dallas tells Eddie that they need guns and Eddie says that the National Guard will be here soon. Dallas says that it won’t be soon enough so Eddie relents and they break into the gun store, even if Dale thinks this is stupid and they should just leave. Dallas comes back with this line.

Dallas: ‘Cause we’re not going to make it out of town without weapons, dickhead. You’re too stupid to talk, Dale. Shut Up.

So they enter the gun store and they take a backup generator, where Eddie says he just needs some light. You and this whole movie, Eddie. The National Guard finally shows up on the outskirts of town and they radio Eddie. Unfortunately, all he can do is listen as they get massacred by the Xenomorphs.

Jesse then says that they aren’t going to make it. They hear some noise inside, but it is only just some employees who are willing to let them steal as $6.24 an hour isn’t worth getting killed over.

Eddie tells him that the town has been attacked and the white guy says that it must be terrorists as he said to the other guy it would happen one day. Eddie asked if they are stoned and Dallas just says for them to grab some rifles. There is banging outside, but of course it is just Kelly and Molly wanting help with the alien problem, but of course….everyone freaking knows bad things are happening.

We then head to the hospital, which was according to the effects team was actually an abandoned and apparently haunted insane asylum. A pregnant woman is brought in and on the outside, we see the PredAlien nearby. A nurse checks on the babies in the nursery ward and she thinks they are okay. Unfortunately, the directors of this film decided that the PredAlien should also be in here.

I Swear To God Brothers Strause, If You Even Think Of Having That PredAlien Kill A Bunch Of Babies, I Will Make This The Worst Movie I Have Ever Inducted.

Thankfully, they didn’t do that. The nurse visits with the pregnant woman in the maternity ward and mentions they are on the emergency generators. The pregnant woman’s water breaks so the nurse goes to find a doctor, but instead finds the PredAlien.

I’ll Be The Doctor!!!

Oh And That Nurse Was Krash In 2005’s Alone In The Dark

The PredAlien then comes to the pregnant woman.

Let’s See Here…Yes, It Does Seem You Are Ready To Give Birth Soon.

So the PredAlien decides instead of killing her that he will play tonsil hockey with her and drops some stuff down her throat.

Relax Ma’am On The Next Bed, I Am Just Giving This Woman A New Drug To Help With A Perfect Birth. I Sadly Can Only Give This Orally So Don’t Mind That This Looks Weird. It’s Just The Drug’s Rules….I Don’t Make Them. Besides…You’re Next On My Charts.

Back at the gun store, Dallas talks to Kelly about what happened over at her place. Dallas leaves and gets attacked by the Predator. Kelly goes to find him and she does find him hanging.

He Is Alive This Time, But The Lighting In This Picture Won’t Tell You That.

We hear noises of Xenomorphs which this film was more than happy not to show with the freaking lighting. Dallas is given a gun so he can shoot himself away from what his hanging him. A Xenomorph shows up to try and kill Dallas, but the Predator kills it. Eddie sees this and exclaims, “Fuck”. The two dumbass employees try to shoot at the Predator, but they get killed.

Dale grabs the keys and tries to run away, but a Xenomorph tackles him and the Predator shoots it, causing the acid to fall on Dale and kill him.

Everyone else gets out, but since Dale has the keys, they can’t exactly drive out of there.

Oh Hi Father Malone From That Fucking Fog Remake

The doctor notices the pregnant women’s heartrates are going up and he decides to investigate.  He then sees the horror of these pregnant women being cocooned and then having chest bursters coming out of them instead of normal babies.

As the doctor backs away in horror, he is killed by the PredAlien.

This Is Not Your Sector, Doc.

Dallas, Kelly, Molly, Eddie, Ricky, and Jesse run into what remains of the National Guard.

Just Clothes

Kelly mentions that there may be weapons and equipment they can use and sure enough, there is. Eddie of course gets on the radio with whoever is heading this operation. After Eddie tells them that the National Guard unit failed, he tells them that there will be an air lift at Gilliam Circle, which is in the middle of town.

Unfortunately, It Is This Guy Who Is Obviously Not A Colonel. Oh And This Was Supposed To Be Adam Baldwin Reprising His Role Of The Only Surviving Team That Wanted To Study The Predator From Predator 2, But Adam Couldn’t Fit This Film Into His Schedule.

They take the vehicle that the National Guard was using (Kelly can drive because she is in the military) and they head out. Outside of the gun store, the Predator still hunts for the PredAlien and all the other Xenomorphs. He takes his gun off his shoulder turns the setting so he can shoot it by hand. He also notices the Xenomorphs crowding into the hospital so he goes there.

Kelly stops the vehicle and when asked why, she says that the planned evacuation spot doesn’t make any sense with it being in the middle of town, since they’ll be surrounded by those creatures. She thinks the Colonel was lying and there is not an evacuation plan at all. Darcy says that is crazy as the government never lies to people. Yeah, I don't think I need to explain how many times the government HAS lied to people. Kelly then says the army thinks about containment first. Eddie doesn’t believe Kelly and still wants to go to Gilliam Circle. Kelly instead wants to go to the hospital as there is a chopper there that they can fly out of. Eddie tries to say that chopper is probably long gone by now and they will die. Kelly just says that they will die regardless if that has happened so they might as well take the one chance to be sure they will survive. Darcy goes with Eddie on a truck that passes by which is heading to Gilliam Circle while everyone else goes with Kelly. Also the pizza boss Drew from earlier decides to ditch the group heading to Gilliam Circle and go with Kelly’s group to the hospital. As the tank heads to the hospital, Drew regretfully recounts how people were dying and he just hid, not helping any of them.

The tank arrives to the hospital and they all load up with ammo and protective gear for whatever is in the hospital. Dallas also says that whatever happens inside, everyone protect Kelly since she is the one who can actually fly the helicopter. They break into the hospital and see all the dead bodies, which causes Kelly to cover her daughter’s eyes so she doesn’t see them. The Predator also breaks into the hospital via the front door.

I’ve Got An Emergency Here And I Don’t Care For Your Freaking Doors!

The Xenomorphs attack and Drew gets killed, which sadly I will not be showing you as the only thing you get is audio of Drew dying because of the really terrible lighting. Jesse freaks out and runs away. The PredAlien ambushes the Predator in the Operating Room. The Predator seems to have a good grip of things and might kill the PredAlien, but several Xenomorphs comes in to play Secret Service and take whatever abuse the PredAlien was going to take. Unfortunately for Jesse, she runs past the Predator who decides to cut her in half with one of his disc things.

And In A Extended Scene, You Get To See Her Bottom Half Fall Off. Bad Lighting Might Cause It To Be Hard To See, But Trust Me….It Is There.

Ricky sees the Predator and wants to get revenge. He shoots at the Predator, which only distracts him as a Xenomorph tackles him down the elevator shaft. As Dallas calms him down, Ricky sees the gun the Predator left behind and gives him to Dallas. Then Ricky gets stabbed by the tail of the PredAlien, who runs like a bitch after he does so and this only wounds Ricky.

Seriously, This Only Wounds Ricky Where It Kills Everyone Else

The group picks Ricky up and they head to the roof, where they find that the chopper is still there. Dallas tries to figure out how to work the Predator gun and eventually figures it out, realizing how effective this gun is. 

At Gilliam Circle, Eddie’s group tries to fight off the Xenomorphs that are there as Eddie tries to get into contact with the Colonel about when that airlift is coming. The Colonel says it will be there soon, but truthfully there will be no airlift as we see a chart talk outlining the blast radius of the nuke they will be dropping.

Dallas decides that with his new gun, he can buy everyone some time and yes, Dallas tells them to get to the chopper….because of course he does.

Dutch Is Not Amused With You Shoehorning In That Line

Dallas fires a few shots which kills a few Xenomorphs before the gun takes time to reload. Dallas seems screwed, but the Predator shows up.

Finally Reached That Top Floor

Dallas runs away as the Predator is now here to take care of the Xenomorphs and he kicks ass here, using a whip to cut up a few of them.

Someone Put A Fedora On This Predator And Play Some Indiana Jones In The Background

Dallas gets to the chopper and they fly off.

The Predator finally fights the PredAlien and after the PredAlien gets a few shots in, the Predator decides he has had enough and takes his mask off.

It’s On Now.

The two then proceed to have an epic showdown. I mean seriously, this is freaking awesome.

The Predator Even Rips Out The PredAlien’s Tongue

The two stab each other afterwards. However, there has to be an end and that end comes while the helicopter is flying off and the people at Gilliam Circle see the plane come by to drop the nuke.

That Moment You Realize That Yes, The Government Did Lie To You And You Are Going To Die

So the town gets nuked which kills everyone and everything, including the Predator and PredAlien.

The aftershock of the blast even effects the helicopter with the rest as it crashes.

Oh, But They Still Survive

They wake up and are surrounded by military guys, demanding they turn over their weapons.

Kelly chastises the military for killing the entire town, but they say they were just following orders. Ultimately, Dallas gives the head of the military the Predator gun and the group surrenders. The surprise here is the military decides instead to provide them with first aid instead of what they would normally do and just kill them for knowing too much. The directors originally thought killing them would be a good idea, but decided this film didn’t need that much of a downer ending so they live.

Later, “Colonel Stevens” has a suitcase, which has the Predator gun and gives it to Ms. Y (aka Ms. Yutani.

Played By Francoise Yip AKA That Woman In Uwe Boll’s Alone In The Dark Who Couldn’t Even Play Dead Correctly Without Lifting Up Her Head.

And that all for this movie.

In the box office, this movie completely bombed and was nominated for two Razzie Awards. The Brothers Strause were given a second chance with a film called Skyline and of course, that film is terrible as well (although they went from bad lighting to too much blue lighting). Oh and those Strause Brothers originally wanted this film in 3D, but considering they weren’t allowed to as it cost too much. Considering how dark the lighting of this film is already, they should count their blessing they didn’t do this in 3D and have people demanding refunds for not being able to see shit.

John Ortiz (who played Eddie) went on to play the main character’s friend Ronnie in the critically acclaimed Silver Linings Playbook. Sam Trammel (who played Tim O’Brien) has gone to play Sam Merlotte in the hit HBO series True Blood.  David Hornsby (who played Drew) is still recurring character Rickety Cricket, writer, and executive producer of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

I guess we need to have a separate paragraph for what happened with Johnny Lewis (who played Ricky) and this is not going to be easy. In 2008, he caught his big break playing prospect and later member Half Sack Epps in Sons of Anarchy. He only played him for two seasons as his character was killed off and he left the show hoping to do better things. In 2011, Lewis suffered head injuries for a motorcycle accident, but refused to get MRIs, even though both doctors and even his own father begged him to get them. This started a series of legal troubles where he struck two men over the head with bottles while in a fight and attempted to break into a woman’s home, both of which caused him to go to jail. While in jail, his attorneys and family members tried to get him into rehab for his marijuana addiction, citing both mental health issues and his chemical dependency. He refused this rehab so he got rehab instead for alcoholism. On September 26, 2012, he broke into the house of his 81 year old landlord Catherine Davis and murdered her and her cat. He then jumped over the fence and assaulted a painter and the homeowner next door. He then jumped back over the fence into Catherine’s property, climbed up to the roof of the place and either fell off or jumped from the roof, killing himself on impact. His death was ultimately ruled accidental and they found no traces of any illegal substances in his system in the toxicology report.

Now let’s get to my opinion of this film. You know, originally I thought this film was slightly better than the original Alien vs. Predator film, thanks to that awesome fight between the Predator and the PredAlien and the fact that the Predator was not treated like a bitch in this film. Unfortunately, revisiting this film, I am forced to say that this film is just as bad as Alien vs. Predator, but in different ways. While that film’s problems are having the Predator act like a bitch along with the terrible studio censorship that cut this film down to a PG-13 film, this film’s issues are the really awful lighting that caused you not to be able to see things that are supposed to be happening and the terrible directing of the Brothers Strause, who definitely are directors whose creativity need to be edited a lot. Also the adding in of the pointless child death just really makes me mad as you could allow yourself to see that child die without actually seeing it in the theatrical, but the two wanted us to see it happen completely just in case we may have thought that kid’s chest burster died while still in him. It’s just bullshit and both these films really need to be tossed in the trash.

Now time for the next film, which is the final film for the summer for the fans and you chose a film that basically killed a franchise. But, I will say that this was probably for the best since the third film that was a potential franchise killer as it was worse. Considering it has two people who were in past Monster Crap inductions…I am not surprised.

Well, At Least The Crypt Keeper Looks Like He Is About To Get Some.

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