Saturday, July 25, 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: Birdemic: Shock And Terror (2010)

Monster Crap Inductee: Birdemic: Shock And Terror
Why Did The Terribly CGI Birds Attack? The World Will Never Know


Sometimes in the world of movies, you get films that will be known for generations as infamously so bad, that they come right back around to being entertaining. This month (as voted by the fans), we are going to talk about one such film. That film of course is a film that has been spotlighted by everyone like the New York Times, Rifftrax, The Huffington Post, and many other places with paper media, TV media, and online media. And this film that we shall take our best shot with (knowing that this has been given shots by everyone else) is a little film called Birdemic: Shock And Terror.

So how did this film come to being, you may ask. Well, it all started with a small film director named James Nguyen. In 2003, he made a movie that was mostly forgettable in Julie and Jack and in this film, he was somehow able to get a few days to work with Tippi Hedren.

You Might Remember Her For Being In Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, Before Hitchcock Had Her Blackballed From Hollywood Because Hitchcock Could Be A Prick Like That At Times.

So after having her in his film and watching Al Gore’s propaganda documentary known as An Inconvenient Truth, James Nguyen decided to create Birdemic. He auditioned people for his film at places like parking lots and high school gyms and got the two lead actors in this film. He also for some reason decided that this also must be a romance film as well. He was a small time director and normally this film should have been just a film that had gone by the wayside, so why did it become so infamously bad?

Well, for one thing, James Nguyen tried to do everything and even when he couldn’t, he would just have his actors do the other parts of production too…despite the fact that didn’t really have much experience in doing that stuff. And two, when you are doing a film about killer monsters, you have to have the best special effects at the time or you are going to be believable enough to be on the SyFy Channel.

And Even Then, You Might Just Still Suck At It Just Like A Film That Probably Will Never Be On DVD Due To How Embarrassing It Was For Everyone Involved In The Birds 2: Land’s End.

It also didn’t help that James Nguyen tried to act like Hitchcock in how he treated his actor, even though unlike Hitchcock…he did not have anything to stand on when knowing how to make a film great. Hell, I tried to listen to James Nguyen’s commentary on the film and it was just so embarrassingly how delusional he was on why this film is a cult film that I had to stop out of pure pity for the man. Honestly, if you want to listen to any commentary that is not a riff of the film, listen to the one with the two lead actors and you’ll basically get as much as you can with this film.

So without further ado, let’s get into Birdemic: Shock And Terror and hopefully, I might get a few jokes in that have not been used (even though I doubt it).

So we begin this film with a long driving sequence that goes along with the opening credits.

I actually counted and this opening credits scene of our main character driving takes 4 minutes and 18 seconds. And to even add to that long ass stuff, the music stops and restarts 3 times because the opening music theme doesn’t go as long as the scene. This is akin to the infamous opening scene of Manos: The Hands of Fate where people are just driving and driving while nothing is happening. To anyone who was watching this for the first time during its initial run, this film is not off to a good start.

Then we get our main character, whose name is Rod.

Who Is Walking Like He Has A Metal Rod Shoved Up His Ass.

By the way, this walking was demanded by James Nguyen because this is how he believes people walk like. He enters a diner and he is seated by our waitress. And when she says hi, you get several seconds of dead audio silence before she says hi. No, I’m not talking about her standing there before she says hi, I’m talking about the whole film goes silent except for the microphone noises and then she says hi.

So anyway, Rod is seated and he is told by the waitress in the most uninterested way possible that she will be right back with him, even giving him a menu and saying “here is the menu”. So Rod looks at the menu and notices our lead actress sitting a few tables down from him.

And based on the audio, I don’t even know if they are at the restaurant at the same time. Our female lead leaves and Rod decides to follow her, not even bothering to pay for his freaking orange juice. He catches up with her and thinks he knows her from somewhere. He then realizes that he knows her from high school as he sat several seats in front of him in a classroom, despite the fact that he has never spoken to her until now. Some would find this Rod fellow very creepy and stalkerish, but our female lead (whose name is Natalie) seems okay with all of this to continue the conversation.

We find out Natalie is a fashion model who lives in San Francisco and is only at Half Moon Bay because her mother lives here. We also find out Rod is a software salesman from San Jose, which still makes me wonder what he is doing here. She tries to leave, but after a few steps, Rod catches up to her again to continue the conversation. Most women would probably be threatening him with pepper spray right now, but not Natalie who allows the conversation to continue. Anyway, Rod wants to keep in contact with her. Um…Rod, the way you made your first impression, I wouldn’t expect a yes on that end.

So to my surprise, she says sure and even gives him her number. Every pick up artist in the world is looking at this exchange between Rod and Natalie with complete awe. By the way, all of these conversations are directed word for word by James Nguyen so if a metal rod sounds more natural sounding than Rod here, blame the director on this one.

Although Considering Natalie Here, I Bet This Rod Would Already Have Her In The Palm Of Someone’s Hand

Then we cut to Rod who is home as he is watching TV. A news report talks about a flock of seagulls and crows were found dead in downtown San Jose.

A One Hit Wonder Band And Guys Already Back From The Dead, Dead In San Jose? That Seems Extremely Random.

Yes, I know they mean the actual birds…but the joke was there, guys. Also in other news, the population of polar bears is declining due to global warming melting the artic sea ice, which makes polar bears either die by starvation or drowning. Rod then turns off the TV and exits his house which plays with whimsical music as he goes to his car and goes to work.

And You Get To See All Of The Car Backing Up And Leaving…Just In Case You All Thought Rod Was Just Going Into His Car To Jerk Off Or Something Else.

Thrill As He Goes To A Gas Station To Get Gas, With Prices That Are Freaking Insane For Where I Live. But Hey, This Was Shot In California…A State Known For Having Things Cost Much More Than My Home Of Virginia.

Then See Him Fill Up His Car With Gas. Just In Case You Thought He Was Just Going To The Gas Station To Get Some Snacks.

After That, You Get To Be In Complete Awe As He Makes A Right Turn And Gets Stuck In Traffic.

Finally, You Get To See Him Park His Car And Enter The Building. Because We Need This Movie To Be 90 Minutes And By God, We Are Going To Get To That Mark If It Damn Near Kills The Audience’s Interest

Finally, we get to see him go to work and he is on the phone with a client who he is selling stuff to.

He is able to get a deal and we get dialogue like this.

Rod: Can we close the deal today?
*Pause as the person who we don’t hear answers.*
Rod: Can I place your order today?

That was of course either just in case you didn’t know he was making a deal or for a minute, Rod thought he was working at a fast food restaurant. Hell, either answer works. Rod then goes “Woohoo” and raises his fists in the air.

I Did It! I Almost Lost Them For A Second By Treating Them Like They Were Ordering From A Fast Food Restaurant, But I Made The Deal! Woohoo!

Then his friend and co-worker Rick wonders what the noise is and Rod tells him that he caught the big fish today. When Rick asks, Rod reveals that he sold some stuff for a million dollars, which elicits a high five from the two.

Meanwhile, we see Natalie at her photo shoot.

Which Takes Place At A 1 Hour Photo Place

After the photo shoot, Natalie gets a call that she will be the cover girl for Victoria’s Secret. I would like to say that again. Victoria’s Secret, a multi-million dollar company that has run way shows and real photo shoots, wants this person who only can do photo shoots at 1 Hour Photo places to be on their cover. Yeah, that is really stretching suspension of disbelief there, movie.

No Offense To Natalie Here As She Seems Like An Attractive Lady, But Victoria’s Secret Seems To Have Some Low Standards If This Unknown Can Immediately Vault The Ladder To Become A Cover Girl For Their Prestigious Magazine

So then we get to see Rod leave work and while in the car, he decides to call Natalie. They both relay the good news they have gotten on this day and Rod asks her out to a Vietnamese restaurant. Even she considers this very forward on his part since they have only met once, but she ultimately accepts.

We then get to see Rod and Rick play basketball. 

Please Let Them Bump Into A Couple Of Guys Who Were Up To No Good

Sadly that does not happen. Anyway, apparently it is hot as hell and there is a heat wave in winter. Yeah, tell that story of a heatwave in California during winter to a bunch of people here in the east coast, especially the state of New York and see if you don’t get slapped in a second for your complaining.

Rod reveals he has met Natalie and Rick is only interested in asking if Rod had sex with her yet.

He Even Says “A Date Without Sex Is A Date Wasted, Man”

They also talk about their company perhaps getting acquired by another company, which will mean big money for them and a chance at early retirement if it happens. Yeah, I don’t know about the business world they are in, but my dad has worked for plenty of companies that have been acquired by other companies and they don’t get millions of dollars.

Then we cut to Rod at home again listening to another TV report about a wild fire in the Santa Cruz mountains dubbed the “St. Martin Wildfire”.  We also get news of the first ever Green Grand Prix event in San Francisco where all the cars will be powered by hybrid or electric technology.

By the way, I did look up Green Grand Prix and they have had a few events….in Watkins Glen, New York. Sorry, San Francisco, but you failed to live up to James Nguyen’s wishes. Oh and apparently the drivers will be Hollywood celebrities, which considering the fact of what happened with Paul Walker, yeah….not happening. Rod’s doorbell rings and we meet a solar panel salesman.

They have an appointment to install some solar panels on Rod’s house and Rod wants to lower the price of $20,000, which he gets when he asks and the salesman says that just for him, they will knock off $1,000 from that price. Rod agrees and of course, his house will now have solar panels.

Now at the Vietnamese restaurant, Rod meets Natalie for their date. He even gives her a rose upon seeing her. We have a padding shot of showing the entire wall art of the place before we get to the two having a conversation. Natalie asks Rod why he went into sales. Rod responds by saying he likes sales and it fits his personality, which it totally doesn’t based on this movie and his stilted delivery. He then says he started out as a software engineer with a Bachelor’s of Science in Computer Science, which he calls B.S. in Computer Science. I know B.S. in Computer Science is the legit term for it, but I can’t help myself thinking he has bullshit in computer science when he says that. He says software development was boring for him as he thought he was more of a sales and marketing kind of guy. Oh and he even mentions that some of his friends say his BS stands for bullshit…thanks for ruining my joke, Rod.

He talks about how he has a stock option with this startup company and hopefully if the company makes it big by being bought out or becomes public, he’ll exercise that stock option and walk away with millions in cash. Yeah, my dad worked for Nations Inc.; then it got bought out by Titan Corporation; then it got bought out by L-3 Communications; and then the part of the company he was working for, got spun off into Engility. My dad may be doing fine, but he isn’t making the millions like Rod here is planning on making. And he has stock options as well so no attempt to make that defense, movie.

Rod then asks about what Natalie likes about modeling and she responds by saying that it is fun and glamorous. She says her mother doesn’t see modeling like she does and wants to get her to be a real estate agent. Rod tells her to do what she likes and follow her dreams, which she has every intention of doing. Natalie then asks about why he never made a pass at her in school and Rod says that he was rather shy. Rod then gets asked about his future plans like family and kids, which he stops her as he says that is too serious for him. Eventually he says that he might settle down if he met the right lady. She hopes he does meet her before asking what she is in his mind. Rod says the right lady in his mind is beautiful, kind, compassionate, honest, and loyal.

He’s also a 49ers fan and part-time Eagles fan. She likes to watch movies and go dancing at clubs. She then talks about liking to spend time with Alex, who she has a picture of in her wallet. This of course gets Rod a little jealous as he thinks it might be another man so he wants to see the picture. But of course, he has nothing to worry about as it is just a damn cat.

But Not That Darn Cat As Disney Owns The Rights To That.

She says that if she could afford it, she would have at least 10 cats.

Oh Dear God, Rod…You Have Somehow Gone Back In Time And Have Hooked Up With The Woman Who Will Eventually Be Crazy Cat Lady. Run!!!!

The two then go for a walk on a bridge and we see CGI birds for the first time in this film.

Yeah, They Do Look Real Bad. Like Your Average Screensaver Birds May Look Better Than This. This Is An Omen Of CGI To Come.

That night, Rod and Natalie are at a dance club slow dancing.

Or Should I See A Dance Club Backdrop That They Made No Real Effort To Look Real

In Fact: Let’s have fucking fun with this. People with Photoshop skills, I want you to photo shop these two dancing wherever and email them to me here. If there are any, the best ones will be featured in a special post at the start of August. So that means you have less than a week to do this so get those Photoshop skills rolling.

But the night has now ended and it is time for Rod to walk Natalie to her house. He tries to get her to invite him in, but she says she doesn’t do stuff like that on the first date.


The next day, Natalie goes to visit her mother.

Mom notices a smile on Natalie’s face and asks about it. After trying to play dumb with it and failing, Natalie finally admits that she got that cover girl position for Victoria’s Secret and she is seeing someone. Natalie’s mom is ecstatic about both news, saying she always supported Natalie on her modeling gig (although she reminds her she should have a backup plan with that real estate gig) and wanting to meet the guy. And that is all for that scene.

We then meet one of Natalie’s friend named Mai.

Who Wouldn’t You Know It, Is Dating Rick

They are getting ready to have sex when Natalie calls. The music being played is an instrumental cover of “Imagine” by John Lennon and if you want an even bigger message about James Nguyen’s opinions, he has posted on the wall for no reason a website that is supposed to speak John Lennon’s wishes of peace, which is run by his widow Yoko Ono. Natalie tells Mai about this guy she met named Rod and after the call, Mai talks about it and Rick knows who Rod is. Mai suggests a double date.

Then we cut to a board meeting where it is announced that the company has been acquired for a billion dollars, which has many scenes of people clapping cut separately for whatever reason.

These Two Scenes Are Cut Separately

The CEO reveals that everyone has earned their stock option and congratulates them with the clapping strangely cut together commencing once again.

And Now Rick Is Miming Having Sex With Rod’s Chair. Something Is Really Wrong With Rick.

Meeting is adjourned and CEO talks with Rod, who thinks about using his stock option for an early retirement. We then see Rick playing with a toy car.

He tells Rod that he plans on using his money to get a Ferrari, but Rod talks about the early retirement and wanting to open a Green Tech company.  Rick says if he wants to get into chicks’ pants, he needs to have a nice hot Ferrari, but Rod says Natalie is his hot Ferrari. Rick then talks about the double date and Rod agrees to it.

So we cut to the two couples getting out of the movies and we have this conversation, word for word, and punctuation for punctuation.

Rod: Man, that was a good movie! An Inconvenient Truth!
Rick: That is it, I’m getting myself a car that is environmentally friendly.

Remember, they are made to speak this way by James Nguyen as we are having a Troll 2 situation where the director doesn’t understand how people talk normally. To put this in perspective, if an English Speaking American was directing a Spanish Speaking film with an all-Spanish speaking cast and told them to speak the dialogue word for word slowly so you could understand that they are saying the right words and not in the usual faster pace that I usually hear Spanish or any language spoken in.

Rick leaves with Mai so they can have sex.

And Mai Has That Shirt With The Website This Movie WANTS You To Visit, Dammit!

The next day, Rod is speaking to another company trying to sell his Green Tech solar panels or as Rick calls it, “solah panels”. He talks about how cheap his stuff will be compared to the competition. He requests 10 million dollars for funding and gets it easily. After that, he takes Natalie on a date to the town’s Art and Pumpkin Festival. Considering they said winter earlier and it must now be fall for Pumpkins to be sellable, either this movie is saying these two have been dating for months or this movie doesn’t know how seasons work.

In Fact, It Is Fall Since It Is Freaking October. This Movie Probably Doesn’t Understand Seasons.

Rod Is Still Walking Like He Has A Metal Rod Up His Ass.

Rod: Ah, Lovers On The Moon
Natalie: Yeah

Nice Pumpkin Carving

Booo…..That’s Not A Real Vampire! It’s Freaking Daylight Out!

That Kid Must Be The World’s Strongest Kid To Be Dragging That Tractor With Her Big Wheel

And now that we are done with that, they walk on the beach and the sound is so bad that you can barely hear the two talking as the microphone picks up the ocean instead. But because I can hear them speaking, it is just them talking about how beautiful the beach is, us being made of water, and what Natalie’s idea man is. Their conversation is interrupted when they find a dead bird.

Or The Worst CGI Bird Ever

Natalie wants to tend to the bird, but Rod tells her to stop as the bird may be infectious. They cut to Natalie’s mom’s house as Natalie finally introduces Rod to her mom. The two talk about retirement with Rod saying it is only just a few month break. Also, we find out Natalie’s mom was a jeweler for 34 years. She says she sometimes she misses going to the jewelry store, but she really likes traveling, watching TV, cruising, and working with Natalie on her career.

Now we get to the two going to the Irish pub. Natalie says that she only wants him as Rod seems not be interested in just her looks. Rod also thinks that since he has met Natalie, his luck has really been great. Then one of those songs happens, that is so infectious that when you hear it play, you can’t help but sing along with the song.

Just Hangin’ Out, Hangin’ Out, Hangin’ Out With My Family, Having Ourselves A Party. Just Hangin’ Out, Hangin’ Out, Hangin’ Out With My Family. Having Ourselves A Party.

Unlike Howling 2’s theme, this song is only played ONCE and it takes just the one time to be burned into your brain. So thank you, Damien Carter. Thank you for having a theme that is so awesome that it is the only thing un-riffed that I will do to revisit this movie. The two dance the night away and then go back to her apartment where she comes out in a bikini.

This Is Also Where We Get The Tippi Hedren Cameo That James Nguyen Said Was In This Film…Except It Really Isn’t A Cameo, It’s Using Old Archive Footage Of Your Own Film Jackie And Jill Because You Really Couldn’t Get Tippi To Be In This Film.

And then they make love.

I would like to note two things. One: James Nguyen wanted everyone in their bikinis during love scenes so he didn’t actually film people having sex. Two: During this love scene, James’ assistant director directed this and his assistant director theorized that sex is about the whole body so he shows the whole body while they are making out. And because on several scenes, the actress playing Natalie had to walk outside so you might need to excuse her for the…

Dirty Feet!

So dawn arrives and

Everything Looks So Peaceful

The High Tide Has Gone And The Beach Is Ready

The Boats Are Ready To Be Used For Fishing And Other Boat Related Activities

The Streets Are Also Peaceful As Some People Drive To Work

Another Good Day For The Horses To Crap, Eat, And Let People Ride Them

Heck, No Bar Fights

The Pumpkins Are Ready For More People To Buy

Everything looks like it will just be another great and ordinary day.


And Yes, Even Some Birds Crash Into Buildings And Blow Up.

I wonder how that conversation went.

Captain Eagle: Alright…son, you are packed with dynamite and whatever explosives we could fine! Are you ready to die for your kingdom and visit the 24 chicks that will greet you in heaven!
Private Vulture: Sir, Yes, Sir!
Captain Eagle: Are you ready to bomb those bastard people on the ground to the hell in which they came from!
Private Vulture: Sir, Yes, Sir!
Captain Eagle: Well, go down there and take as many as you can down with you!
Private Vulture: Yes Sir!!!! Ahhhhhhh!!!!
*Private Vulture goes down to the city and blows up as he crashes.*
Captain Eagle (sniffling): They grow up so quick. May the doves rock thee to thy sleep.

You’d Think If That Bird Blew Up A Gas Pump, That The Whole Place Would Blow Up. But Not With James Nguyen’s Shitty Budget And Effects.

The birds are pecking at the hotel that Rod and Natalie are stating at.

Or Flapping There Wings At Whatever Even Those Bird Flying Mechanics Don’t Work That Way

Rod and Natalie are awakened by the birds outside and are wondering what is going on.

Hey Lady, We Are Here For The Show!

Rod tries to call the phone, but the birds have already cut the phone lines.

Damn Those Birds For Being Crafty Electricians

Rod tries to use his cell, but being the dumbass that he is, the battery is dead. The birds are attacking the window so Rod and Natalie are barricading the place with the bed.

You Better Be Ready To Pay For That Hotel Bed Once The Birdemic Ends Because Those Beds Don’t Attack To The Walls Cheaply

It holds the birds for a little while and the couple leaves their hotel room and run into another couple at the hotel named Ramsay and Becky, who let them in.

Who I Am Not Sure If They Are Sane People Or Serial Killers Given Those Smiles

Rod explains that the birds just stopped and he was going to use the car, but Rod lost the car keys.

You Are Worthless, Rod

Ramsay and Becky allow them to ride with them in their van (still not sure if I can trust these two). Ramsay then says they need something to protect themselves so since they decide to use hangers.

I’m Dead Fucking Serious When I Say They Use Hangers

So they go outside and the birds have come back and we get this scene.

Yes, Attacking Birds With Hangers Seems Like A Great Idea

This is done for a few minutes because the door is stuck. They finally get the door open and everyone gets in the car.

Frank The Eagle: Are They Really Attacking Us With Coat Hangers
Gary The Vulture (On The Left): Yes, I’m Afraid They Are.
Perry The Vulture (On The Right): Oh My God, These People Are So Pitiful

They drive away as the birds just flap there and don’t move one iota. So Ramsay has Rod switch seats with him so Rod dives while Ramsay goes on the passenger side shooting the birds with a machine gun.

Which He Either Pulls Out Of His Ass Or Ramsay And Becky Really Are Criminals Because People In California Aren’t Well Known For Having Automatic Weapons In Their Car

Ramsay they gives Rod a pistol (like I said, I don’t trust these people) and they continue to drive off. They then see dead people on the side of the road so of course, they stop to see if there are any survivors. Well, if they are dead people, I doubt anyone survived.

Why Don’t You Flag Down One Of These Several Cars That Are Easily On The Road

Since they are doing guerilla filming, which is to shoot without any permits, James Nguyen explains easily to anyone wondering what the hell is going on that they are shooting video for an upcoming wedding, which was rather hard to explain when there are people with blood and guns on them. Back to the film and what do you know, they find two survivors while shooting at incoming CGI birds.

There Is A Girl Under A Van

And A Boy In The Trunk Of Another Car

The two kids’ names are Susan and Tony.

And The Same Shot Of This One Bird Getting Shot Is Used Three Times In This Scene And That Same Bird Getting Shot Animation All Over The Rest Of This Film

Nice….More Cars Driving By

The kids already start being annoying by stating that they are hungry so they stop by a convenience store. They get food and drinks. Luckily for them, they don’t have to pay for anything.

Since The Convenience Store Clerk Is Rather Dead

The birds show up so after getting what they can use, they get back in their car and drive off.

Ernie The Eagle: Did They Take Any Of The Alcohol, Vladimir
Vladimir The Vulture: No, Ernie…They Took Only The Water
Ernie: Good, We Have Enough Water. Whenever We Find Out How We Can Open These Stupid Bottles, We Will Toast To Our Victory Of This Store.
Vladimir: Agreed

After driving a few miles, they stop at a park to eat some food.

What Could Go Wrong?

Rod and Natalie notice “an old guy on the bridge” (their words, not mine). They go to the bridge and the old guy yells at them to stay back as these birds he is looking at are infected.

They come closer and he yells at them again about the birds being contagious. Kind of like when the director would yell at people who were getting into the shot so much that the actress who played Natalie had to tell him that he can do that to the cast and crew, but he can’t do that to people just wandering by (true story). Anyway, they want to talk to this old guy (named Dr. Jones (no relation to Indiana Jones)). He talks to them away from the bridge and answers there question of what is going on with the killer birds with an “I don’t know”. He says the birds he is looking at have bird flu virus and of course, he blames that on Global Warming (as well as West Nile Virus and SARS). Of course, if he was a real scientist and not some average nut, he would explain which bird flu they have since there is actually a crap ton of strains. They try to have them come with him, but he says “Nah, I can protect myself” and we never see him in the movie again (although he is in the sequel so he must have survived out on the bridge on his own). He also leaves us by saying birds aren’t the dangerous animals as the human species is that.

So the van of six continues driving and they stop because as Rod says, Becky “is taking a shit” in outside with Natalie watching her. We learn Ramsay was in the Marines, but he got tired of all the killing in Iraq (asking “why can’t we give peace a chance”.) Sorry, I hate getting political here, but I have to go on a soapbox and answer this stupid ass question (hopefully for the last time). For our country to give peace a chance, every other country in the world would also have to give peace a chance too and with countries like North Korea, Russia, and a number of Middle Eastern Countries out there, that shit isn’t happening right now so stop asking that tired question that you know the fucking answer to. There, I’m done with my soapbox rant. Don’t hate that I did that because I could have gone on it for a number of these “Blame it all on Global Warming” stuff this film has, but I have decided to decline that because it’s not an easy thing for me to dispute. Why we can’t give peace a chance however…oh, I can easily give that answer as that is a stupid question. Back to the movie.

So we see Natalie and Becky in the tall grass and since the actress who played Becky decided to quit this film, she gets killed by a bird.

Natalie shoots the bird, but it is too late to save Becky.

Natalie runs to the van and says Becky is dead, which causes Ramsay to run out of the van to see for himself (because I guess he doesn’t believe Natalie when she said that). After a few minutes, Rod comes back and slams his fist onto the glove compartment before telling everyone that the eagles killed Becky, which is kind of what Natalie was telling you before you had to see it for yourself. Ramsay doesn’t know what to do now…so it is perfect time to drive somewhere else.

They drive to where they see people trapped by birds on a bus.

Ramsay thinks it is a great idea to get them out of the bus (even though they don’t have enough room for everyone in the car). They shoot the birds away and surprisingly don’t hit anyone on the bus in the crossfires (really surprising with a weapon that fires multiple rounds). Ramsay goes on the bus to get people off the bus and they understandably don’t want to leave the bus (even though they were screaming for help).

Well, it turns out they have good reason to not want to get off that bus because as soon as everyone is off it, the birds come in and kill them.

 Via Bird Puke That Is Either Acidic Or Filled With Flesh Eating Bacteria

You think they had some bad luck, consider the birds that puked.

Jack The Eagle: Oh God, I don’t know what was in those worms. Barry, what was in those birds?
Barry The Eagle: I don’t know, I got them from the bar. Heck, they were in bottles so I could easily get them to fall out. Didn’t put up a fight or anything
Chuck The Eagle: You Fool! Those were Tequila worms! They were drowned by Tequila!
*Jack, Barry, and Chuck all throw up at the humans.*
Jack, Barry, and Chuck (together): Sorry!

You Are All Weirdos!

By the way, credit the actress who played Natalie for the makeup effects since the first two people they hired to do it freaking quit. In fact, most of the cast were also part of the crew in one way or another, but given fake names as their crew credit because James Nguyen wanted this film to seem “more professional”.

So now that Ramsay is dead along with the people he was “saving”, Rod just drives off with Natalie and the kids in the van. They go to a gas station to get supplies and gas for the van. But since gas is hard to come by, the barely understandable clerk charges them 100 dollars per gallon.

Fucking Asshole

They get the stuff before the birds start attacking again.

Considering This Asshole Charging $100 A Gallon, The Birds Are Doing A Noble Thing Blowing This Place Up

They come across a cowboy who needs gas.

He wants to buy some gas, but they say they only have a few gallons and they need it. They also mention how expensive gas is and try to invite the cowboy to come with them. So then the cowboy draws a gun and threatens them to sell him some gas.

You’re Gonna Sell Me Some Gas Now And I Can’t Give You The Full $100 As I Only Have $50.

Rod decides to let him have some gas and he walks away, but then a bird comes up and claws his throat.

Holy Shit…These Birds May Be More Effective Than Some Of Our Best Hitmen

They then drive away…without getting the gas can he stole from them.

Yeah, It’s Not Like They Might Need That Gas Or Anything.

So they stop in the woods because there is a creek where they can get some fresh water, despite the fact those kids got two jugs of water from the gas station. What are these people, freaking cactuses?

Little Do They Know That This Creek Has Been Designated By This Region Of Birds As Their Pissing Grounds

So they go to the woods and it is here they meet a legit tree hugger.

That’s Not Me Making Fun Of This Guy Or Anything, His Role In The Film Is Called Tree Hugger

Anyway, he says this is his home and he shows that he has a tree house to live in. He says the birds seem to only be going after cars and gas stations (and urban areas, but he forgot that last one). He then exposits about Global Warming killing these trees because it is allowing the spruce bark beetles that kill these trees to live longer than their usual life cycle with the heat. He then says he heard a mountain lion so he leaves to go back to his house and they leave too.

So you are never going to guess what is there to meet them on the way back that they failed to notice on the way up.

Forest Fire

So yes, these people didn’t get any hint there was any this way before seeing this since there was no real smoke on their way here. They get back to their van (coughing the whole way to the fake CGI smoke coming from the fake CGI fire) and leave and I would worry about hippy guy, but he is actually in the sequel so apparently, he took care of this forest fire.

So the instrumental “Imagine” cover plays so you know that Mae is nearby with Rick and well, the group finds that they are not doing well.

Too Bad For You Mae, That Those Birds Laughed Off That Imagine Peace Crap You Were Saying With Your Shirt.

The two are depressed that their best friends are dead, but they drive off. Then they run out of gas.

Don’t Worry, You Have That Extra Can Of Gas You Can Fill Up With….Oh Wait!

Bigger problems arise when those twerps in the back wake up and say they are hungry. So they go to the beach, Rod uses a fishing pole (that was conveniently in the back of the van) to catch fish and Natalie gets some nasty looking seaweed and they decide to try to cook it, with this dialogue exchange.

Rod: Got A Fish

Natalie: Looks Good….I Got Some Sea Weed

Rod (Pausing Before Nodding His Head): Good…

So they cook the fish and sea weed and try to give the kids something to eat. But the kids don’t want it and instead want a Happy Meal.

*Sigh* You Ungrateful Little Bastards! These Two Worked Several Hours To Make Food For You Because You Both Were Starving! Look Around, There Aren’t Any McDonald’s Where You Can Get Any Happy Meals And Even If There Was, I Don’t Think There Are Any People There Who Can Make Your Crap Food For You! You Know What, You Two Get To Go To The Annoying Kids Corner With That Little Girl Who Wanted A Coke In Gamera Vs. Zigra And You Stay There Until You Appreciate What You Have, Bite The Bullet, And Eat The Damn Food You Have Now! *Breathes*

I don’t think I will make for a very good parent. Anyway, they can’t worry about these snot-nosed kids rudeness for too long because the birds are coming back since there is a nicely cooked fish and seaweed for them to eat.

Birds In Unison: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!

The four hide in the van as the birds surround them.

Captain Eagle: Oh No!!! Where Is The Explosion!
Major Vulture: Dammit…Darrell’s Explosives Were Duds!!

By the way, nice CGI window because you were unable to break a real window.

Suddenly doves come in and for some reason, the other birds fly off.

General Dove: Alright…Major Vulture & Captain Eagle…Let’s Stop Messing Around This Area. We Have Better Places To Be.
Captain Eagle: But…
Major Vulture: What My Colleague Is Saying Is There Are Humans In This Van
General Dove: Forget About Them! They're Harmless! Frank Told Me They Were Attacking Them With Hangers For Christ Sakes! Besides, I’m Giving You A Direct Order!

Rod: Look, They’re Leaving.

So Rod, Natalie, and the two kids Susan and Tony get out of the van and watch as the birds fly off. They don’t know what happened and neither do we as to why this is happening as they watch the birds and the film ends.

And All The Actors Had To Stand There Like This For A While As The Credits Roll Because The Director Could Spring For A Freeze Frame Here.

So let’s talk about the aftermath with this film and well, its premiere was met by overall laughter by the entire audience. Nguyen’s company Moviehead Pictures originally self-released the film in 2009, before it was picked up by Severin Films and given a nationwide release. It was front page of the New York Times where the director said that the film proved that fans loved the heart of the film and excused the mistakes. I’m sorry to disagree with you James, but the mistakes are what makes the film get its cult status, just like Manos: The Hands Of Fate. Bloody Disgusting called the film “The Best Worst Film You’ll See In 2010”. It has since been ridiculed on constant comedy shows like The Soup, on podcasts like How Did It Get Made, and riffed by the folks of Rifftrax in 2012 in theaters, which I went to and had a blast.

The cast mostly returned for Birdemic 2: Resurrection, which is just as delightfully bad as Birdemic from what I have heard. Both the lead actors stated in their very informative commentary that they finished the film despite difficulties with the director because it was their first film and their goal was just to finish it as they didn’t want to be people who walked out on set during their first role. The only survivor from this film who did not return for the sequel was Janae Caster (who played Susan) for reasons I do not know right now, although I can guess.

So my overall thoughts of this film are this. This is a terrible film where everything you can imagine going wrong, goes wrong. The message is so forced upon you that you can only feel embarrassed if you are part of the Global Warming warning crowd. The director seems very conceited and his commentary was so embarrassing to listen to that I stopped at the 10 minute mark. I would honestly recommend that if you watch this film, watch it with a crowd because if you are watching it alone like I am, you might just grimace sometimes with what happens with the film. I will probably watch this film, but I will really need the Rifftrax commentary for it because I can’t completely enjoy this film without it. And if you are listening to commentaries from the actual DVD, please listen to the one with the actors because like I said, the director’s commentary is too embarrassing to take with how delusion he is for that. Otherwise, this is not only a bad movie, but a bad movie that tries to pound your face in with its message. I hope I did my best inducting this film since you all wanted me to do it.

So let’s get to the next induction and hmmm…I feel a strange sense of déjà vu from a long time ago. Like several years and more than a hundred inductions ago. So I wonder what this film is.

Well, We Are Finally Inducting The Sequel To My Second Induction Ever

1 comment:

  1. Dead serious, in the sequel they explain Susan's absence by saying she died from eating the fish Rod caught.