Saturday, November 29, 2014

Monster Crap Inductee: Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993)

Monster Crap Inductee: Dollman vs. Demonic Toys
Don’t Mess With Tim Thomerson


Something I have learned from watching review shows and writing inductions myself is when you do this, you tend to eventually get to an actor that no matter what crap they are in, you are going to love them no matter what. For The Cinema Snob, it is Pierre Kirby. For Noah “The Spoony One” Antwiller, it is Reb Brown. For Obscurus Lupa, it is Kate Hodge. For me (while I may have more, this one is in a lot of these films), it is Tim Thomerson.

Tim Thomerson always was able to portray that sort of detective you see in a noir film or a cop that while me may look older, he is still someone that you probably don’t want to mess with. And he just doesn’t look the part, he plays that part very well. Heck, you may even see a cigarette in his mouth because quite honestly, he doesn’t care about any protocol whatsoever. Would the characters he plays be good role models for the kids? Of course not, but that is the point. He may not be this white knight, but whatever he does and no matter what situation he is in, he is able to get stuff done. He also is able to play a military type too and the same thing applies on how he just gets things done.

So after being in two Trancers films (he would be in every one of those continuing until Trancers 6), he played Brick Bardo in Dollman. Brick Bardo is a Dirty Harry type cop from an alien planet who has to chase this alien fugitive all the way to Earth and as soon as he lands, he figuratively learns that he is not in Kansas anymore because while he is normal size in his home planet, his home planet is way smaller than the planet you and I live in so when he and the fugitive land on Earth, they are 12 inches tall. Yeah, they are so small that they can easily be stepped on without that much of a notice so of course hijinks are going to happen. Dollman is directed by Albert Pyun (who would later direct the horrible 90s Captain America film) and I have even told him myself at a convention how much I loved this film so you are not going to see Dollman inducted into Monster Crap for……ever

Now I could also talk about the Demonic Toys, but if you want history with that film, go on and read that induction which was done in April of this year. But one more film has to be addressed and that film is Bad Channels. Bad Channels is a film that stars a radio shock jock who gets way in over his head when his radio studio gets invaded and made into a new base by aliens who are interested in turning girls into 12 inch models through illusions that are music videos. Nurse Ginger is one of those characters and she is turned 12 inches, but despite the fact that she was turned back to normal by the end of that film, she is still 12 inches in this film so yeah, there is going to be a huge continuity problem. Now I know there was a character that remained 12 inches at the end, but that character wasn’t her character. In fact in a post credits scene, Brick Bardo shows up looking for the person who did stay small, which was Bunny and not Ginger.

So without further ado, let’s begin this film and let’s get to me being a smartass about it.

We start with a car being driven on an empty road while Brick Bardo narrates how it is a cruel world and it gets kind of lonely when you are only a foot tall like this person named Ginger who got shrunk by aliens. He thinks a visit from him might cheer her up and of course, he is looking to start a relationship. As we get slow motion action of what Brick Bardo did in Dollman, we also get the title screen.

Of course as you can guess, those are glasses and the glasses are for Bardo and we get variations of the Demonic Toys and Brick Bardo in silhouette, setting up that this is a matchup we should be seeing. It’s a nice series of images that is sorely lacking in movies these days because everything has to be in action immediately and there is no time to set up what you are watching with the opening credits. Heck, they even have a picture of Nurse Ginger and silhouettes that are like James Bond movies, although with less of a budget than those films because there is a huge money gap between a studio like United Artists and a studio like Full Moon.

Oh And I Almost Forgot To Mention This Movie Features Songs From Quiet Riot. Bang Your Head, Indeed.

And It Is Of Course Produced & Directed By Our Old Pal, Charles Band.

We then get clips from the original Demonic Toys showing how that film went and of course, they are all dreams by Judith Grey.

Yep….Tracy Scoggins Returns For This Film And She Is As Lovely As Usual

The fact that she was pregnant is ignored in this movie as she is still stalking the toy warehouse where the last film took place. Or she gave him up for adoption, I don’t know. And there is a new guard for this place and that guard is….

Hey, It’s Phil Fondacaro from Ghoulies 2 & Making A Cameo In Evil Bong. Awesome…

While Phil the security guard (his name is Ray Vernon so I’ll go with that for the rest of this review) is looking at a dirty magazine. Some drunk guy just so happens to break into the place.

As Random Drunk Hobos Looking For A Place To Stay Will Do

You might also be familiar with this guy from Monster Crap Past because he was also in Werewolf.

Yep….He Was That Housekeeper Who Looked Like A Cross Between Fidel Castro & Santa Clause

This bum is actually liking the place he is obviously planning on squatting for the night. He says this place can make all the noise it wants because it doesn’t mean anything to him because he is here and he is warm and dry. He even introduces himself as a guest to the freaking toys. He tells them that he hopes they don’t mind sharing the place with him for the night and if they do, well….fuck them.

And now Judith is in the place and she is for some reason dealing with this homeless guy. Of course, her chief is telling her to get out of there because due to her past with the place, it is off limits to her. He even mentions that she is on suspension so she isn’t even working for them right now. The chief then says that he is sending a unit to pull her out of there so he can fire her in person. She turns off her walkie talkie and says that she isn’t done yet.

Oh And While She May No Longer Have A Badge, She Still Has A Gun. Yeah, Those Cops At Her Station Obviously Half-Assed It With Her Suspension.

We then see the bum riding a tricycle and beeping the little horn on it as he laughs. We even have a shot of the toys looking at him.

What A Strange Man…

He of course bumps into a pile of boxes and some of them fall on him.

And Those Boxes That Are Obviously Dangerous Are Telling Him He Fucking Sucks

And Apparently Those Boxes Have Some Hard Stuff As He Is On The Floor Bleeding.

Of course that blood bleeds into one of the box, along with some strange green electricity…

No, Seriously….There Is Green Streams Of Electricity In That Blood

Grey walks around still looking for the intruder. And the blood of this bum (who I guess is dead considering the amount of blood), has spawned the resurrection of the Demonic Toys.

Yeah, I Don’t Know How That Small Bump And Falling Off A Tricycle Could Cause That Much Blood, But Oh Well.

And time for the Demonic Toys roll call.

Mr. Static

Jack Attack
Baby Oopsie Daisy

And This Toy Who Wasn’t In The Last Film, Named Zombietoid.

So no Grizzly Teddy this time and instead, we replace him with this blond GI Joe knock-off that I’m sure Phelous would have in his Bootleg Zone if it was a real toy. Baby Oopsie Daisy thank the asshole for helping them out with his stupidity and Jack Attack laughs like he always does. And because the original voice actress of Baby Oopsie Daisy was dealing with breast cancer and wasn’t available, the replacement is voice acting legend, Frank Welker, who has done voice acting and voice effects for past Monster Crap inductees as Godzilla (1998), Anaconda, Super Mario Bros., & Munchies. Whatever gets him that paycheck, I guess.

Anyway, the toys just teleport the bum out of the movie. Judith shows right up and it is of course back to basics where they shoot at each other. As the toys escape, they mention that her bullets don’t do shit to them and it takes magic to defeat them. As Grey fires into the duct, Ray the security guard and the cops come in to take her away. Yeah, Judith has now gotten to the point where she is no longer a cop and just got arrested. She of course doesn’t help her case by pleading with the cops to go after the toys, because yeah that is so going to be believed.

Ray says that he thanks them for being there, but he believes he could have taken that weirdo on himself, which the one cop who stays behind laughs off. He then sighs at a good looking woman going crazy before Baby Oopsie Daisy interrupts.

Jokes On You, Little Guy

Baby Oopsie Daisy also offers Ray to join them as they could use someone like him.

And before we get his answer, we cut to the house of the tiny Nurse Ginger.

Who Is Of Course Sleeping In A Drawer.

She puts on her nurse outfit and goes about her day of being a foot tall.

Meanwhile, we see that Brick Bardo is in the area and looks over a newspaper talking about her still staying tiny.

Despite The Fact As I Mentioned She Wasn’t The One Who Stayed Tiny At The End Of Bad Channels.

A guy comes upon Brick and is shocked to see this, so Brick uses this to ask the guy if he has seen a girl his size.

The Look Of A Man Who Realizes He Has Drank Too Much, Despite The Fact That He Didn’t Drink At All Today.

Brick doesn’t take too kindly to his gaze and asks if he has never seen a cop before.

Back at the house, Ginger relaxes and gets some tan on the kitchen counter. She is of course interrupted by some paparazzo with a camera.

Even In The 90s, Those Scumbags Existed

He of course wants an exclusive with her in some skimpier clothes and she agrees as long as he agrees to leave her alone afterwards. He laughs about this and says that he will see her in a couple of days. Suddenly, Ginger gets attacked by a spider.

Of course that spider gets immediately shot and killed by Brick.

 Let’s See You Go Up The Waterspout Now

Of course Brick tells her that the exterminator is here and tells her not to worry as she isn’t dreaming. He introduces himself and she is extremely happy to see a person (a man at that) in her size. We cut to Grey talking to the paparazzo from earlier (whose name is Collins). She wants to know where they are because she saw his article on the two (something we didn’t see and probably would have needed to see so yeah, where the hell was that scene). And of course, he won’t tell her…..unless he gets something that may be better than cash. She kind of leads him on to reveal that his subjects were in a little nothing town called Pahoota. Of course she then backs off on her games because all she really needed was the town and tells him he can get with her when hell freezes over. He says he is going to do a story about her and says when he is done with her, she isn’t even going to be able to work as a crossing guard. He then calls her a “prick, teasing slut”. Well, you can easily guess what her response to that is.

Yep…..Punch To The Balls

Meanwhile back at the house, Brick is going through a drawer so he can find new things to stab people with as Ginger still lays around. Of course, through small talk, we also see that Ginger is falling for Brick (which means Thomerson still has that charm with the ladies). We also get Brick to explain his backstory through clips from Dollman. Then we get clips from Bad Channels as Ginger talks about her backstory, with some small changes to make up for the fact  that Ginger was returned to normal and the one that wasn’t was Bunny. So yeah, that I guess is their way to retcon things. And then Brick and Ginger make out.

Works Every Time…

Their sex is interrupted by Judith.

And All She Can Say Is Sorry.

So after a fade out, we hear that Judith tells them what has been going on and that she has been suspended 6 months, depending on the outcome of the hearing. So despite this film basically hinting that she was freaking fired, she is now just suspended. I may like this film, but it really has some issues with its continuity. Of course Ginger doesn’t believe in possessed toys. Yeah, with shit that you went through, you kind of might want to believe in anything and in fact, Judith calls her out on it by talking about Ginger’s backstory being farfetched.

Brick has to play peace-keeper and Brick asks about the kid (yeah, the one that hadn’t been born yet) and she said that she took the kid to her sister’s house so she can take care of him while she deals with the Demonic Toys. How convenient.  Brick thinks about it, but takes the job after Judith wonders if he is still a cop. And Ginger decides to tag along so she can make sure Brick doesn’t get hurt.

So all of them head back to the toy warehouse and Judith admits that she doesn’t care if the department knows that she is right as she just wants to kill the little bastards. Meanwhile, it seems that Ray has taken the toys up on their offer to join their side as he is bringing them a hooker to sacrifice.

Come On, What Else Could She Be?

Of course it also helps that later on, Ray mentions that she was a hooker. And basically she is teleported out of the film and basically is sacrificed so the toys can have a fresh set of blood for their powers to work. Judith, Brick, and Ginger enter the toy warehouse and Ray and the toys immediately hear them. After a few minutes of walking, the toys show up and Brick shoots at them, but the toys get away. Ray tries to threaten them for shooting at his friends and Judith ends up shooting and killing Ray.

Ray goes down instantly and after a few words of encouragement from Judith to Brick, Mr. Static comes in to kill Judith.

Yep, Judith is dead so she will never be able to see her kid grow up. Oh well, that does kind of happen when you are blinded by revenge and not just happy to have survived. Brick shoots and destroys Mr. Static afterwards.

Judith tells Brick to just finish the job before officially being dead. After another minute of searching the place, Jack Attack causes a distraction so Zombietoid can get a clear advantage in his attack of Brick.

Ginger throws some random balls at Zombietoid which causes the toy to drop his weapon. Jack Attack chases Ginger into the vents as Brick is able to take down Zombietoid so he can try and protect Ginger. Baby Oopsie Daisy knocks out Brick and captures Ginger. Thinks look bad for Brick as he has been tied up with two toy trucks (one for his legs and one for his arms) and Ginger has been tied to an alarm clock.

Baby Oopsie Daisy reveals that he has been chosen by the demonic spirit to marry and impregnate Ginger and this is his bachelor party. Quiet Riot music plays as Oopsie Daisy starts his torture of Brick and he also gives the backstory on the demon. Also Oopsie Daisy has a nightgown for Ginger for when they make love. Ginger is able to escape and frees Bardo before he gets split in half. Zombietoid grabs Ginger as Brick goes to find them with a small hockey stick.

Well, Tim Is From Colorado And They Have The Avalanche There So I Guess That Makes Sense

Zombietoid fights with Brick.

Brick is able to win when Zombietoid misses and he stabs a power outlet.

And This Is Why Parents Tell Their Children Not To Play With Power Outlets

This kills Zombietoid so now all Brick has to deal with is Jack Attack & Baby Oopsie Daisy. Good news also for Brick is he is able to get his gun back. At the dollhouse, Baby Oopsie Daisy tries to rape Ginger.

I Could Do A Rape Joke Or A Joke About A Current Older Comedian’s Trouble With Accusations Of Rape…But I’ll Pass.

Elsewhere, surprisingly for Jack Attack, slithering around and screaming his laugh like a dumbass is able to cause Brick to get the jump on him and kill him.

Although Brick does have a great line for after he kills Jack Attack.

Brick Bardo: Pop goes the weasel.

Meanwhile the rape continues.

Hey, It Had Been More Than Twenty Minutes Since We Saw Her In A Bra So We Gotta Stop That.

Bardo enters and Baby Oopsie Daisy threatens Ginger’s life unless he drops the gun. Bardo does so and Baby Oopsie Daisy makes a huge error by saying he now has all the tools for the job of giving the demon his human birth so Ginger knees him in the balls.

Brick is able to get his gun and shoots Baby Oopsie Daisy, destroying the final toy.

Brick & Ginger reunite and Brick says to call the cops to say Judith died in the line of duty. Then they decide to find a way back home. And how will they do this?

By Taking A Taxi, What Else?

And that is Dollman vs. Demonic Toys so let’s get to the aftermath.

The Demonic Toys would appear in another crossover with the Puppet Master and would finally get a Demonic Toys 2. Brick Bardo and Nurse Ginger end up living happily ever after I guess as their characters no longer appear in anything else. So yeah…that is as far as those go.

Tim Thomerson (who played Brick Bardo) would do Trancers 4 & 5 after this film (deciding not to be in 6). He would also do voice acting as he became the second voice of Leonard Beaver in Nickelodeon’s Angry Beavers. Other than that, he still is able to keep work by being in plenty of B movies. Tracy Scoggins (who played Judith Grey) went on to do the same things that I mentioned in the Demonic Toys induction. Melissa Behr (who played Nurse Ginger) has become an artist and you can see her art on her website (although her film resume is left off of the page for some reason). Phil Fondacaro (who played Ray) did everything I mentioned in the Ghoulies 2 induction, plus he married Verne Troyer’s manager.

So yeah, this film (although I do like it) has some serious problems. It is padded as hell at times with the flashback stuff, Frank Welker (who is a great voice actor) does not do as well with Baby Oopsie Daisy as Linda Clark did in the original, you can tell at times the effects are cheaper for this film than both Dollman & Demonic Toys, characters and subplots from the last films are explained away haphazardly, some scenes like the scene where that douchey paparazzo guy meets Brick is missing, and of course there is that huge continuity issue of Nurse Ginger NOT being the one at the end of Bad Channels who stayed small (despite the retconning this film does). However if you can get past all of that and I know I had trouble doing that too, you can still get a decent movie that is less than an hour long, which in today’s movie world is a freaking miracle. Like I said, Tim Thomerson is awesome in this and considering we got a happy closure to a character, which is so rarely done intentionally, is satisfying. So yeah, I would recommend this film, but just realize that there are problems.

Alright so normally you would get a winter movie next with NegaSeth making some snide comments about the new year and revealing that movie, but as all of you know, my uncle passed away this month and I decided to instead honor his memory by inducting a film that either was from a series that meant something to our relationship or one of ten films that I got from his collection. While it probably would have meant more to do one of the two films based on series that were important to our relationship, the odds were 10-2 against that happening and considering which one won (very close actually), I’m not surprised.

This December, It Happens.