Me Thinks This Film Need More Club Swings To It
2004
Huge thanks to
Raymond Gallant of Toon Crap for help with the censored pic.
Well,
Porno Pete’s summer continues as we look at another film from the collection of
the guy who loves porn more than anyone. The good news this time is that I did
not have to go through another film to get the next induction as his choice for
this month had an induction. The bad news is it is Teenage Cavegirl, a film
that is sadly less enjoyable than Witches of Breastwick.
This
film was directed by Nicholas Medina or as most of you know him by who he
really is and not this pseudonym, Fred Olen Ray.
Sadly
Still Have Had The Chance To Meet Him Again And Get The Autograph I Promised To
Get From Him As He Was A Nice Guy
Don’t Forget That Your Induction Of His Film Attack
Of The 60 Foot Centerfold Was Where Yours Truly Made His First Appearance On
Your Inductions
Yes,
I know and I regret you showing up ever since.
Don’t be mad. I give you very interesting
information.
You
give me your opinions on attractiveness and you tell me who has been in porn
while I watching the film, which sadly with watching movies with monsters in
them, happens to be a lot.
Anyway,
Fred Olen Ray has directed a lot of low grade films and has even dabbled in the
world of softcore porn plenty. So of course when Porno Pete was making this
list, he just had to pick one of his films.
To Be Fair…I Wanted To Do Dinosaur Island, Which Was
A Collaboration In Directing Between Mr. Olen Ray & Mr. Wynowski From Last
Induction, But Those DVDs Are Very Rare And Expensive As Hell.
Well,
you have what you have and I have to induct it since you won that Fantasy
Football bet. Now as far as people from past films or past inductions, the only
name I know from the cast is that Jay Richardson is back again from Attack of
the 60 Foot Centerfold and my last induction, The Witches of Breastwick.
Don’t worry, you won’t see him in any of the other
films I have for you to induct. He really only worked with Jim Wynorski and
Fred Olen Ray and they were always small roles. Although he did work for other
directors earlier on in like the 80s and I have no porn for you to induct from
that decade.
Anyway,
now that we have all that out of the way, let’s get to the film.
We
begin our film with an explosion followed by the opening title crawl surrounded
by lightning.
I
Would Say Michael Bay Might Be Responsible, But The Explosions Only Played
Music…Not Act Like Actual Explosions
And
we go to the landscape of what looks like prehistoric times and see probably
one of the crappiest dinosaur CGI I have ever seen.
What
In The Hell, Guys.
And
then we find out it is One Million Years Ago.
I
Strongly Doubt We Will See Raquel Welch In A Bikini So Don’t Ask.
By
the way, I guess I should also mention that dinosaurs, kind of went extinct 66
million years ago so yeah, you wouldn’t see dinos at this time.
Then
it turns to night which makes me wonder what the fuck the point was starting
this film off in daytime when nothing happened. We then meet Tahra.
That is the extremely attractive and feisty at times
Jezebelle Bond. I have seen her in plenty of films like Sex, Secrets, &
Betrayals; Sexual Magic; episodes of The Best Sex Ever; Insatiable Desires;
Dark Sins; Dangerous Passions; and plenty of films that are numbered from 1 to
83.
Really…there
are porn film series up to 83?
As we have shown already…making porn is incredibly
cheap and can be made in a few days.
If
you make me watch one of those that has a long history, I swear to god.
Relax, man…I don’t even have any on my list for you
to induct right now that aren’t sequels. Plus, I would have to give you 1 and
let’s be honest, that would be a pain for all of us.
Anyway,
this caveman named Tiko shows up.
Got
Any History On This Guy.
Seth, he’s a guy. I don’t care what they have been up
to, although I can safely admit that I might have seen this guy (whose name on
IMDB and on this film is Evan Stone) in other films. Also might have been
married to a Jessica Drake in the past. But hey, he’s a guy and I only dig
chicks, not dudes.
Anyway….they
have sex.
Yes,
I Know My Dinosaurs…Pretty Much The Basics By Heart, But I Know Them.
Tiko
sees that Tahra is no longer around and wonders where she went.
And
Yes, He Looks To Be Surfing On A Rock
By
the way, I am going to get shit if I fail to mention this, but yes…they shot
this stuff on Bronson Canyon in California. I say I would get shit if I didn’t
mention this because Bronson Canyon is pretty much a go-to place for shooting
films and TV series for many studios. Many big films and series have been shot
here and many famous low budget directors have shot stuff here.
And
Of Course Robot Monster Was Shot Here
Tahra
finds the fakest looking dinosaur footprint I have ever seen.
Really
Teenage Cavegirl? You Couldn’t Have Just Dug A Hole And Make It Look Like A
Footprint. You Had To Badly CGI It In There So It Looks Like You Just Drew It
On The Ground?
And
we see a giant scorpion that has killed what looks like a horse.
Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Are You Sure I Am Not In A Sega CD Game?
Tahra
throws her spear and…
And
Misses. How The Hell Do You Shoot Over A Target That Big?
With
no way to defend herself, Tahra sees a conveniently placed portal.
Yeah,
I Don’t Know Why I Am Here Either
Tahra
then decides that whatever is on the other side of the portal is safer than
here and she goes through it.
By
the way, enjoy that T-Rex as that is the last time you will see any dinosaur or
monster whatsoever.
Tiko
is of course building a hatchet out of sticks and stone
Sticks
And Stones Are Gonna Do More Than Break Your Bones Now
A
random dog shows up and Tiko decides to chase it without the hatchet.
In
the present…
You
Could Have Just Said Present And You Would Have Saved A Few Bucks And Time.
Anyway,
these two are Richard and Sharon and….you have anything on these two.
Only thing I know about the guy is IMDB calls him
Voodoo for some reason and the fine young lady is Danielle Petty (aka Kennedy
Johnson). Seen her in an episode of Erotic Confessions, two episodes of Hotel
Erotica, an episode of Black Tie Nights, Genie in a String Bikini, an episode
of Hotel Erotica Cabo, Bewitched Housewives, and an episode of Sin City
Diaries. She is actually very pretty and seeing some of her posts on IMDB, she
seems actually nice and down to earth. Although truth be told she doesn’t want
to do much porn anymore and would like to not talk about it.
Is
she one of those who writes her bio?
No, why the hell would you ask that?
Because
some actress who I have previously inducted one of her films on the site did
just that and basically it was a giant hype job.
That seems sort of vain
It
was and it still bugs people she did that.
Anyway,
Richard over here tells Sharon to look at this and her response is this.
Sharon: How
fascinating…it’s a rock.
Basically
there is some playful banter between the two. Sharon also hears some strange noise
from the portal that Tahra came out of. Sharon asks Richard if they should go
investigate, which the guy agrees, but he doesn’t want to stay too long as he
believes they are making progress on these rocks.
Sharon
Is Just Giving Him The “Bitch, Please” Look
Sharon
says it will only take a second to which Richard just says fine with and admits
that the stuff has been here all this time, they probably still will be here
when they get back. Tahra runs away and runs into an RV and instead of
attacking it like what normally people would do, thinking it is some kind of
monster. She just taps at it.
Richard
and Sharon see the portal and are amazed by it.
Meanwhile,
Tahra goes inside the camper.
Me
Thinks Tahra Is Not A Real Cave Woman
She
then says “Tahra Scared” before hiding under the covers.
Definitely
Not A Cave Woman
Richard
and Sharon decide to go back to the RV as they have done enough exploring for
today and wouldn’t ya know it?
They
Have Sex While Tahra Watches
Originally
I thought these two were just co-workers, but the more the film goes on, I
guess they are either dating or married (they never really say). Anyway, after
the sex, they see that Tahra is there and act like any normal person would when
they see that someone has seen them in a moment of raw intimacy: they freak
out.
When
asked what she is, Richard immediately jumps to the conclusion that she is a
cave woman who came out of that portal. While correct, his immediate deduction
of this is strange considering that the actress Jezebelle Bond has tattoos that
no way come from pre-historic time so for all they know, she could be some
runaway living off the wild or something.
They
of course eventually decide to be friendly and are eventually able to get her
to say her name is Tahra. Being the scientists that they are, they decide that
they have made a real archeological discovery and take her home. Sharon does
decide to do this because as this is a porn film, she is pretty.
Oh Yeah…I Am Sooo Having Sex With That Cave Girl
When
asked if she wants to go home with them, she shrugs.
Highly
Doubt Cave People Knew What Shrugging Meant
They
then leave and head to their house.
Strongly
Doubt That Archeologists Make Enough Money To Afford That Type Of House
They
basically show Tahra around and leave her by the TV. Of course, they are
showing trailers to actual movies but I cannot be certain. While watching TV,
Richard and Sharon talk about what they should do while Tahra changes the
channels a bunch of times. Richard tells Sharon the plan is for her to clean
Tahra up and put her in some of her clothes while he calls Professor Matthews
and get him to come over here. Sharon says she will try, but if Tahra bites
her, they are gonna have trouble. They go to Tahra, who having watched TV now
has picked up lingo from commercials (even though all she has watched are move
trailers and not commercials for products).
Sharon
takes her upstairs while Richard calls Matthews. Of course Professor Matthews
is our old pal Jay Richardson.
Richard
tells him about the discovery and Matthews is intrigued enough to come over.
Meanwhile, Sharon shows Tahra how to take off clothes and they of course take a
bath and have sex while in the bath.
This
Is Basically The Best I Can Give You Without Showing Naughty Parts
Meanwhile
Tiko has seen the portal and goes through it to see if Tahra did as well.
I
Think It Is Rather Redundant For Me To Say This About This Scene, But What In
The Blue Hell, Movie?
Tiko
then sniffs around, puts some of the dirt in his mouth, spits it out, and says
that these are tire tracks.
I
Doubt This Guy Is A Caveman Either For Knowing What Tires Are
That
night back at the house (that is basically a mansion), Professor Matthews shows
up with another girl, whose name is Cynthia.
Yeah,
I get it…she has been in a lot of films you have seen. Anything else?
My personal opinion is her face may be a bit
unattractive, but her body is stacked. Also she is married to that guy that
isn’t Jay Richardson in real life.
Ah....what
a coincidence as in this film, they used to be former lovers before something
made them now can’t stand to be around each other. It is kind of hinted that
she left him for the Professor over here, but I’m not going to guarantee that
because as he is a professor and ex has a place that looks like a mansion, it
would be safe to say that she made a bad move.
Anyway…it
seems that the Professor understandably does not believe that Richard has found
a real cave girl, but is willing to entertain the idea. Basically, they both
would rather have martinis over cocktails although Professor Matthews request
is rather interesting.
Prof. Matthews: I’ll have my martini
shaken, I’ll have another martini stirred, and then another one shaken and
stirred.
Obviously
While Professor Matthews Does This, He Wants To Be Drunk
Oh
and after Richard says that he will see what he can do, Professor Matthews then
says that he would prefer to have each of them in a dog dish.
You
Better Not Give Me Those Pansy Ass Glasses
In
the living room, they set up some machine that will monitor Tahra’s though
patterns to see if it is real.
Meanwhile
Tiko is still following the trail and runs into a car.
Alright
Tiko, I’m Gonna Have To Give You A Ticket For Inattentive Running.
Anyway,
inside the car is of course, two people having sex.
That is real life married porn couple Trevor and
Lezley Zen. Don’t know much about Trevor seeing as I don’t follow male porn
stars that much. But I have seen Lezley in plenty of stuff like 3 episodes of
The Best Sex Ever and an episode of Sex Games Vegas, and….damn, I guess I
haven’t seen her in as much as I thought.
Anyway,
they have sex and eventually see Tiko peaking. The lady screams and Tiko runs
before the guy decides to get out of the car and kick his ass for being a
peeper. Sharon comes down with Tahra and runs into Cynthia and the men show up
to begin this experiment. Prof. Matthews tells both Cynthia and Sharon to not
under any circumstance disturb them. So Sharon decides to show Cynthia her new
nightie.
Meanwhile,
Tiko has found the house and while breaking in through an open screen, gets his
hand stuck for a second on of the blinds.
Aww…Now
We Have Our Human Version Of Yoshi
Back
in the experiment room, we see that the machine is set up and ready to go with
Tahra. And what do Tahra’s thought patterns involve?
Why…Footage
From 1977’s Planet Of The Dinosaurs
They
celebrate that they have found proof of a real cave girl.
Meanwhile,
Cynthia and Sharon plan to have sex and of course, Tiko comes in so they decide
to make it a three-way.
We’re
Having Sex But You Aren’t Allowed To See It On This Site And These Black Boxes
Make Sure You Don’t Even See Sharon’s Tits Through This Nightie….Ha Ha!!!
Dammit….my
site has become self-aware. Nooooo!!!!!!
After
the sex, the two women sleep and Tiko leaves to find Tahra. Matthews says that
this is the greatest discovery of the 21st Century so everyone
should now get some rest.
That
night, Matthews conspires with Cynthia to steal Tahra away from Richard and
Sharon so they can make all the money in the discovery and drain all the
information out of Tahra’s brain and present it as his own. You know, Matthews,
you could just kidnap Tahra and reveal her to the world, making millions of
dollars off the fact you have a live cave girl. Matthews decides that he will
dress as a caveman and lure Tahra outside so they can kidnap her. And what caveman
disguise does he have?
You
Have Got To Be Kidding Me.
Unfortunately
this plan works and they are able to kidnap Tahra and take her to Matthews lab,
but unfortunately for them, both Tiko see this and they made enough noise for
Richard and Sharon to wake up and see that Tahra is gone.
They
start draining the information out of her while mention that after they are
done, she might not be able to do much of anything anymore.
Yep,
Tiko Stowed Away In The Car And Is Now Seeing What They Are Doing
Tiko
then attacks.
They
all decide that Tahra and Tiko don’t belong in this world so they forgo the
million dollar discovery so they can send the two back to their own time. While
driving, we get a four way with Tahra, Tiko, Cynthia, and Sharon all having sex
in the back while Richard drives, not knowing what is going on in the back.
Yep….I
In No Way Know That There Is An Orgy Going On In The Back. I Hate Driving…
They
head back and see that the time portal is still there.
Really??
Because If I Didn’t Know Any Better, I Would Say Someone Else Would Stumble
Upon This And They Would Be Making A Discovery Of A Lifetime Considering This
All Happened Within 24 Hours Or More.
Tahra
and Tiko go back to their own time and then we get the big twist. Tahra and
Tiko are actually people from the future who are on time vacation. Oh and the
time portal is of their own doing as they have the remote to turn it off the
whole time.
Are
You Fucking Kidding Me With This Bullshit?
You
mean they could have not done gone through any of the crap we went through
because they controlled the damn time portal.
Oh
and they turn it off, basically saying the remote is more trouble than it is
worth before leaving it.
Oh
But Don’t Worry About The Remote Being Found Years Later By People Because The
Damn Thing Disappears For No Reason.
Then
we see the two go back to their flying machine and the film is all over.
Definitely
An Effect That Looks Like A Cardboard Cutout Than A Real 3 Dimensional
Spacecraft
This
twist ending sort of works since it does explain the fact cave couple knew to
get into vehicles, were in the same time as dinosaurs, could parrot English in some way as most cave people
couldn’t even do that, the fact that Tiko knew what tire tracks were, and in
some way does explain the vortex that was there. However, what it doesn’t
explain is why the vortex would be randomly there at all, the fact that they
still act like cave people even when they don’t need to as no one is around,
them not fucking up timelines by going to the past, the fact that Tahra would
go with Prof. Matthews stupid disguise, and the whole not going back into the
portal until the very end. It seemed they had some idea about this being the
twist, but not really sure they were going to use it which causes basically a
whole mess.
This
film overall is probably of a less quality than Witches of Breastwick, even I
wasn’t a big fan of that film either. Like most of these films, I feel the fact
they are using modern times is more of an excuse to save money than a case of
it being an idea. The guys in this film are hit or miss with Evan Stone (who
plays Tiko) actually seeming to have actual charisma and having fun while doing
this, while Jay Richardson just seems to be there to collect a paycheck and the
Voodoo guy just acting like a complete unknowing idiot. The women, well…are
attractive, but more in that porn style way, except for Danielle Petty (who
played Sharon) who seems like a normal actress, which is probably why she can
get guest spots in stuff that has nothing to do with the fact she was in porn.
The effects…were just bad in the fact that you would probably get better
effects on a Playstation 1. And other than the sex scenes which I just fast
forward through and the times that Evan Stone acts like someone who seems to be
having a good time, this film felt boring and like I said, the twist really
wasn’t fully done to make sense.
So
now that I am done with Teenage Cavegirl, what is next?
Next up is a film that was oddly enough the first
porn film I ever saw. It is a film done by a director who I am surprised you
haven’t had his film inducted onto your site since nowadays, he makes crap
where he doesn’t even try to be anything more than make a few bucks. But this
is a film that was made where the director was still trying. I give to you a
title that you wouldn’t know was porn by the title, but watching the film,
you’ll know that porn is in it. It is called...
The Killer Eye
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