Friday, January 3, 2014

2013 GINO Award Poll

Well, 2013 came to a close and you know what that means for Monster Crap. It means that it is time to look back at the terrible films (w/ monsters of course) that came out this year and induct one of them onto the website. Remember, I don't do sequels or spinoffs to films I haven't done yet (which means Scary Movie V, The Last Exorcism Part II, Birdemic 2, and Ooga Booga are not on the list).  And remember, if the winner is not on DVD, it will be a delayed induction which in that case means I will be inducting Pumpkinhead 2 this month. So here are the twenty films that you will get to choose from.

30 Nights Of Paranormal Activity With The Devil Inside The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
Craig Moss, Who Seems To Be The Low Rent Version Of Seltzer & Friedberg, Gives Us This Horrible Spoof Of Paranormal Activity
47 Ronin
In A Decision That Godfrey Ho Would Blush At, Someone In Universal Studios Decided That This Samurai Film With Poor CGI Needed To Star A White Guy Who Can Barely Act To Begin With. They Also Decided This Movie Should Also Be Released In Christmas (And Unsurprisingly It Flopped).
A Haunted House
Speaking Of Spoofs Of The Ongoing Found Footage Fad, The Wayans Brothers Decide To Do Their Own Spoof Which Makes Us Long For The Days When They Did The First Two Scary Movie Films. 

After Earth
A Will Smith Vanity Project To Attempt To Make His Son Jaden A Star Plus Directing By M. Night Shyamalan Equals A Film That Reminds Us Of John Travolta’s Battlefield Earth.

Atlantic Rim (aka Attack From Beneath)
Remember Pacific Rim? Well Asylum Tried To Mooch Off Of That (Before They Were Forced By Studios To Change Their Title) With This Film With Probably The Most Gung-Ho Nuke The Bastards Asshole Of All Time
Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan
Joe Estevez and Dan Haggerty Star In This Turd Where It Turns Out That Paul Bunyan or Gunnar Wolfgang Bunyan In This Film, Is Real And He Is A Poor CGI Mongoloid With Giantism Who Is Pissed Off That His Big Blue Ox Was Killed And Is Killing Anyone He Sees.

Completely Unlikable Characters Put Themselves Into A Situation That Could Be Taken Care Of If These Characters Weren’t Idiots…A Practical Effects Monster That Looks Decent Almost Makes Up For All Of This, But It Doesn’t In The End.

Cody the Robosapien
When People Talk About Kids’ Movies Insulting The Public’s Intelligence, This Movie About A Robot Acting Like A Complete Child Who Villains Want To Make A Weapon That Somehow Ends Up In The Hands Of A Loser Child Is What They Mean By.
Escape From Planet Earth
Terrible Puns, Area 51 Being Nothing More Than A Prison For Universal Genocide, A Villianous Earth General Trying To Flirt With An Alien Villain, And Generic Crap You See In Almost Every Fish Out Of Water Story Makes This Film Nominee-Worthy
 Hansel & Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft
With A Film That Mooches Off The Theatrical Film Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters That Stars Actors Named Booboo & Fivel And Doesn’t Even Have Characters Named Hansel & Gretel, You Would Think The Asylum Would Be Behind This. Well, They Are Not As Even The Asylum Was More Competent.
Sadly There Are No Ghost-Type Pokemon Available Because They Might Make What Is A Boring Ass Ghost Film That Takes More Ideas From The Bill Murray Comedy Film Groundhog Day Than An Actual Ghost Film, An Interesting Movie.

Hell Baby
This Film That Stars Several People Who You Might Have Heard Of And Is Made By The People Behind The Trash Comedy Series Reno 911 Should Have Been Aborted.

Movie 43
This Film Has Probably Some Of The Most Disgusting Vile Comedy Elements Ever Put Onto Film And It Is No Shock That Many Of The Big Name Actors Who Somehow Were In This Film, Want Nothing To Do With Promoting This Film.

Night Claws
Hero To The Spoony One, Reb Brown vs. Bigfoot Should Have Some Gold That I Would Love, But It Completely Sucks And Reb Brown Seems Like He Would Rather Be In Any Other Film Than This Crap. Oh And Frank Stalone Is In This Film At The Very End.

Ryan Reynolds Curse Of Supposedly Being Box Office Poison Was Not Helped By This Movie Where He Teams With Jeff Bridges As Ex-Cops Who Died And Are Now Trying To Save The World From Other People Who Are Dead Trying To Stay Alive, Basically A Complete Rip-Off Of Men In Black

This Film About A Storm Where Sharks Are Flying Everywhere Was A Sensation For How Goofy The Idea Was And While Most Of These Other Movies That Are Nominated, Are Hated On By Me. This Film Is Nominated Out Of Love For All The Goofiest Crap We Look At Here On Monster Crap.

The Amazing Adventures of the Living Corpse
I Feel Bad For Some Of The Animated Crap That Came Out This Year That Gets Brutalized By Critics Because If They Had Seen This Incoherent Mess Of An Animated Film That Has Some Of The Worst Animation I Have Ever Seen, They Might Be Less Harsh On Those Other Films.

The Host
Stephanie Meyer Tried To Continue Her Reign Of Terror With Another Film That Tries To Turn Invasion Of The Body Snatchers Into Something Like Twilight, But More Annoying Than Twilight. But Thankfully Audiences Made This Movie A Box Office Bomb.

The Starving Games
It’s Aaron Seltzer & Jason Friedberg Doing Another Spoof Movie, This Time Trying To Spoof The Hunger Game Craze. Do I Need Any Other Reason To Make This Movie A 2013 GINO Award Nominee?

Walking With Dinosaurs
How Do You Adapt A Hit BBC TV Series Into Movie That Everyone Hates And Became The First Major Disappointment Of The Christmas Season? Make The Story Something We Have Heard Way Too Many Times And Have Unneeded Voice Acting For The Dinosaurs.

Voting ends on January 11, 12:00 AM

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