You don’t have to do it…………but do you really want to disappoint your fans?
Monster Crap Inductee: Clash of The TitansThis Film Promises That Titans Will Clash……Yet There Are No Titans
Let me begin this by explaining the wonderful innovator in Ray Harryhausen.
For thirty years if your effects in a movie were going to mean a crap, Ray Harryhausen’s name was probably going to be attached to it. So in 1981, when effects were becoming gorier, Ray Harryhausen decided to do the effects for one more film before retiring.
That Movie was Clash of The Titans.
The film was a success both financially and critically, allowing Ray Harryhausen to leave Hollywood still at the top of his game. AFI ranked it in their top ten best fantasy films of all time. So of course with Hollywood running out of original ideas these days, someone decided “Hey, let’s remake this movie”. Heck, they got both well-known actors Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes. Now that is all well and good, but the point where I knew this film was going to suck was when the announcement was made that all of the effects would be CGI. You see, I had seen what horrors CGI could create in the wrong hands and as more and more of this film was revealed, the more and more I knew this wasn’t going to be very good.
So without further ado, let’s get on with the Clash of the Titans remake and find out how my fears with this remake when it was announced……….came true.
Oh but before I do, I was originally going to drink a shot of Kraken spiced rum for everything I find wrong with this film, but after watching it……..I realized that if I did, I would die of alcohol poisoning so instead, I will be doing a wrong counter. So whenever you see the wrong counter,
Imagine Kevin Spacey In Superman Returns Yelling “WRONG!”
We begin this movie with a narration about how there were titans and then there were gods that warred with each other. This war was ended by their own sons (who were gods) Zeus, Poseidon, and Hades. Hades helped win this war with a creation that came from his own flesh, the Kraken (despite the fact that everyone knows the Kraken would really controlled by the God of the Sea Poseidon since it is his sea and the Kraken is a sea creature (WRONG – 1)). Yes, a minute and thirteen seconds into this film and we have our first “Wrong!”. Trust me, this number will be high.
Anyway, Zeus became King of the Heavens, Poseidon became King of the Seas, and Hades got betrayed by Zeus and was made King of the Underworld. (WRONG – 2).
And this is a big problem for me because someone decided that because another world for hell is called Hades, Hades is Satan in this universe so he has to be the bad guy. This is lazy thinking that all religions have the same order of things as the most well-known (in the US at least) in Christianity (even though in some Christianity, Hades was just another name for purgatory, not hell).
Which Is Why Despite The Best Efforts Of James Woods To Voice A Compelling Bad Guy, I Despise Disney’s Hercules.
Hades was god of the Underworld which doesn’t mean hell. It’s just where mortals’ souls go when they die. The “Heavens” in the Greek mythology is Mount Olympus, which could only be occupied by gods and sometimes, demi-gods (who if they died, would go to Hades). And as far as making Hades the bad guy, I will have you know that among the dickish things the gods would do, Hades ranks pretty low on that chart. In fact, the only known time where Hades was a pure dick was when he kidnapped Persephone, who was the daughter of Demeter, goddess of the harvest. Oh and because of technicalities, she ended up being his consort. In fact, Hades is one of the few gods to do good things. Once, Hades was even convinced to let a human Eurydice escape from his domain and live again by Orpheus, but Hades made some circumstance that when they leave together, Orpheus must not look back at her until they were completely free of his grasp. Only because Orpheus was paranoid and disobeyed Hades’ conditions did his girl get dragged back down. So yeah, Hades being the bad guy will always to me cry of pure fucking laziness.
Continuing on, we learn that Zeus created man and man’s prayers towards the gods created their immortality. But in time, man grew restless and started to rebel against the gods (WRONG – 3). Let me tell you something, as much as this sounds good with the rise of the little people to stop their oppressors, that didn’t happen. In fact, very rarely did mortals even challenge the gods and those that did were figuratively, fucked. So yeah, this shit would never have happened. Into this world a child was born and that child would change everything. Then, we see a fisherman find a golden casket floating in the water and bring it aboard. He opens it to reveal the body of a dead woman and a still living child (Wrong – 4). In all versions, the woman, who is Danae, survived the watery casket. But back to the film as it is revealed that the child would be Perseus.
By the way, that fisherman’s name is Sypros.
At This Point, If This Film Is Going To Be Lazy, Then I Will Be A Little Bit Lazy Myself And Just Use This To Say What Time It Is Now In This Story
After a bad catch, Spyros talks crap about the gods destroying his island, giving a plague to Marmara’s island, and then Poseidon for not giving them needed food. Marmara calms him down and says that he should blame the other men who would provoke the gods.
By The Way, This Is Perseus…..All Grown Up (Wrong – 5)
This Is Perseus As Basically Told In All Mythology
Notice that he has short curly hair and does not have that shaved head look to him as in this remake.
Hell, Even The Original Got This Look Down
That night we see some love between Perseus and his adoptive father, Spyros as when Spyros says that he doesn’t have all the answers he needs, Perseus says that he has all that he needs here with his family.
The next day, they come across a bunch of soldiers from Argos tearing down a statue of Zeus.
Soldiers die as Perseus suggests they turn the boat around. Spyros says no to that because they should do nothing in this situation. The Furies form together to become Hades.
Despite Perseus’ best efforts, the boat sinks with his adoptive family inside, signaling their death.
Complete With Groans That Make It Seem Like He Has A Bad Stomach Ache.
Don’t Worry Perseus, I’m Sure Your Dad Got Reincarnated Into Another World And Became Spyro The Dragon.
Meanwhile at Mount Olympus, the gods are discussing this situation and they say they need to act. One of the gods says there must be a truce to which Zeus yells no to.
Oh Dear God And Heaven……My Eyes!!!!
Someone decided that Zeus’ armor needs to be insanely shiny to the point of where someone’s eyes could bleed by looking at it. There may be nothing wrong with this as far as storyline goes, but just for the sheer fact that you could be blinded by that unnecessary shit, I am putting a “Wrong!” on this abomination (Wrong – 6).
Zeus is pretty angry that he created them and they reward his love with defiance. Hades comes in and is glad that there is finally some rage in Zeus.
By The Way, That War Room Looks Fucking Ridiculous. What Would Happen If Someone Stepped In The Wrong Place? There Would Be Accidental Destruction So “Wrong!” For The Sheer Stupidity Of This Set (Wrong – 7)
Hades wants Zeus to allow him to be loose upon them (even though he kind of did that already). Zeus agrees with Hades’ plan, despite the objections of Apollo and despite the fact that Hades destruction would cause fear, not love….which Hades said plain out that pain and fear was all he could feed on meaning he would only benefit from this so this is stupid planning on Zeus’ part (Wrong – 8).
Perseus wakes up on an Argos ship with Argos sailors who would be called Argonauts. Thankfully, Jason is not one of them so his name could not be raped into this nightmarish film as well. Besides, he already had his name toiled by a 2000 Made for TV Remake of Jason & The Argonauts.
I Thankfully Don’t Own This Film, But I Have Seen It And This Film Is Bad Enough For Even Tom Hanks To See This As A Betrayal To The Film That Got Him Into Acting
They take him to Argos.
(From Left To Right) Queen Cassiopeia, King Cepheus, & Princess Andromeda
Oh by the way, the fact that they are leaders of Argos is wrong (Wrong – 9). They were all the royal heads of Ethiopia (or Aethiopia) and in the original, they were all royalty of the rich city of Joppa. So them running Argos is stupid as hell, although I guess they can’t have Ethiopia (or Joppa) & Argos (where Perseus is from) because………….it’s too fucking hard for Hollywood.
Anyway, they celebrate successfully destroying the Zeus statue and declaring war on the Gods. After Cepheus gives a heartfelt speech of success and Andromeda saying how childish this whole war is with soldiers dying just for defiance. Cassiopeia then decides to be boastful and even decides to brag that Andromeda is more beautiful than Aphrodite (Wrong – 10). No one would be stupid enough to say they or someone else is more beautiful than the Goddess of Love. Oh wait, I am wrong, Myrrha’s mother did that……and Aphrodite made Myrrha a whore who wanted to sleep with her own father. Hell, Myrrha even did (disguised as a prostitute) and gave birth to a son named Adonis, who Aphrodite slept with. Yeah, that wasn’t a good move. In reality, Cassiopeia boasted that her daughter Andromeda was more beautiful than the Nerieds, who are sea nymphs who accompany Poseidon.
Anyway, Hades shows up and is pissed off by that boast. Hades ages Cassiopeia to death.
Ahhhh……..CGI FACE!!!!! (Wrong – 11)
Back to this movie, Hades says that in ten days, the Kraken will show up to destroy Argos unless Andromeda is also offered as a sacrifice. Before Hades leaves…….he tells everyone that Perseus is the son of Zeus and basically a demigod.
Back at Mount Olympus, Zeus by Hermes that there is a demigod in Argos and it is his son, Perseus.
In the dungeon, the soldiers of Argos are rather upset about Perseus being a demi-god, even though Perseus has no idea he is one. When asked why he was sent to Argos, he says that he does not know. The king Cepheus puts a stop to this torture and tries to plead with Perseus to convince Zeus to stop this. Perseus says he cannot as he is a normal man. While locked in the dungeon, Perseus is met by the woman who we have seen watch over him.
Did I Ever Mention That Zeus Is A Sick Bastard
Anyway, Acrisius grew mad with rage and ordered the execution of Danae and the newborn son (which is Perseus). He had them locked in a golden casket and while attempting to throw them off the ledge, he was struck with lightning…..but still threw the casket off anyway.
Io says that he was born to kill the Kraken and end the tyranny of the gods. Perseus then says that it is not the Kraken he wants to kill, but Hades. Io then says that if he kills the Kraken, Hades will be weak enough to be killed. Perseus then offers his service in killing the Kraken before it takes Andromeda. They then trek to the Stygian Witches so they can explain how the Kraken can be killed.
Oh By The Way, They Do A “Fuck You” To The Original Film By Having Perseus Look At The Mechanical Owl (That Was Very Well Used In The Original) And Then Throwing It Aside (Wrong – 15).
Meanwhile Hades goes to a still alive Acrisius who has become Calibos (Wrong – 16). Calibos in the original was the main bad guy who all of this whole Kraken nonsense was caused by. Now he is just a fucking heavy for Hades. You know, you normally remake movies to do something of your own, but when you do nods to the original, while at the same time saying “Fuck You”, you defeat the ENTIRE purpose.
Anyway, Hades convinces ………sigh………Calibos to align with him as they plan to take down the gods. Hades gives Calibos power by breathing into his face.
That’s Some Mighty Bad Breath, Hades
While the group camps out in the woods, Perseus is taught how to handle a sword. This camp scene is actually a very good one and probably one of the few good things I have for this remake. Meanwhile on Olympus, Zeus changes his mind about not helping Perseus and gives him a shining sword.
None Of Those Are Pegasus
That Is Pegasus (Wrong – 17)
Pegasus in almost all forms is made as a white horse. But since there are no black people in this film (although knowing what happened when Thor made one of their gods black, that might have been a good thing), but what they do is say “okay…….you won’t have black people, but you will have a black horse.” I understand the need to have racial diversity in this day in age, but you either do it or you don’t. Don’t try to appease both crowds by having a black horse because honestly, you are being completely disingenuous. So yeah, because of that………..you get another wrong (Wrong – 18).
After that, the crew is attacked by Calibos who kills several men and beats the crap out of Perseus. Calibos also bites Perseus, but loses his hand as well. Because of this, Calibos runs off. They run off into the desert after him, but his severed hand starts turning into a scorpion.
In CG Form Only SyFy Would Love (Wrong – 19)
By the way, I guess I have to give another wrong for the fucking desert and the forest being so closely linked together to be changed by a couple of feet because this really does once again scream of someone making a video game instead of a movie (Wrong – 20)
The fight continues in the desert, but it stops when the good guys realize that Calibos’ blood sinking into the ground. Calibos runs away as now the good guys have to fight giant scorpions.
The good guys start getting their ass kicked by these scorpions (even Io is having trouble with them) when they are saved by…..
Fucking Djinn!! This is the story based off a Greek mythology and you add in some Middle Eastern mythology for no fucking reason. Yes, in mythology…..Djinns have never ONCE interacted with Greek mythology until this shitty film brings them in (Wrong – 22). And by the way, these are not really fucking Djinn. Do you know what Djinn are?
This Is A Fucking Djinn (Otherwise Known As Genie)
Djinns are supernatural beings who come out of stuff (normally bottles or lamps) and grant you wishes. They are not a band of fucking wizards like this movie portrays them to be (Wrong – 23). This was where the second to last time I saw this movie, I turned it off. So no…….I had never seen this Kraken other than in other reviews and previews so at this point on, when I was watching the film for induction purposes, I was going in fucking blind. But don’t get your hopes up; the movie doesn’t get any better.
Anyway, Perseus goes to communicate with them, but the bite from Calibos is starting to infect and Perseus is getting weak so the rest of the crew takes him back to their new camp. One of the guys tries to get Perseus to pray to Zeus for help, but Perseus refuses like a stubborn child.
Meanwhile, Andromeda is undercover to see how the regular people of Argos are doing and notices that the one guy who was trying to tell people to pray to the gods only to be rebuked has started a cult of Hades.
Back at camp, one of the Djinn comes in (because they want to stop the tyranny against the gods as well) and saves Perseus with his magic so now he is one of the men in the group that looks for the Stygian witches. One of the guys following Perseus confronts him about not using gifts from the gods while his men die and he still refuses. The rest of the Djinn turn have turned tie scorpions into instruments of riding and give the group a ride to the Stygian witches. During this ride, we learn that the guy who confronted Perseus earlier doesn’t smile because as he won’t until he spits in the eye of the gods.
They finally arrive to confront the Stygian witches and ask how they can defeat the Kraken.
No, Not The Band…..
So yeah, in this film……….Medusa is in Hades domain because “she is a titan”. I know the original had Medusa as a titan as well (which was why the film was called Clash of the Titans as her and the Kraken were called Titans). But the titans were not imprisoned in Hades’ domain; they were actually imprisoned in Tartarus, which is the actual Greek version of Hell.
Anyway, they also tell Perseus that his journey will not end well and he will die. While walking towards the River Styx, Perseus is confronted by Zeus. Zeus tries to warn him off this journey since the witches prophecy does say he will die. Zeus then offers Perseus sanctuary and join him as a god on Olympus. Perseus refuses, but Zeus still gives him a gold coin because it is expensive where he is going. When he comes back, he is given a shield made from the hide of the giant scorpion they killed.
They arrive at Medusa’s temple and true to her word, Io stays outside. Perseus then gives a speech saying they are all the bravest men he has known besides his father and someday, someone will have to say enough. He then finishes and says that this could be that day. He finishes by saying they should trust their senses and don’t look this bitch in the eye. As they enter, they pass by the stone statues that used to be men.
The laughter of Medusa is heard so the fight begins. Medusa kills one man using her arrows. One of the men tries to tell the other man eyes down, but he turns around and there is Medusa to turn his ass into stone.
That’s What Medusa Looked Like.
I have to mention that Medusa only looks this way because the original film had Medusa look that way. I kid you not; most mythology does not have Medusa with a snake like body. In fact in most mythology, Medusa had a human body and the only thing snake like was her hair. But to be fair, after the original Clash of the Titans did it that way with the snake like body, everyone did it because people though was a cool design so if you are thinking I am unfair with my wrongs, I am going to show you my fairness and not give this a wrong because this one is not this film’s fault. Why did I bring this up? Well, just because it was something that always interested me as a child.
Oh by the way, she stalked and killed the guy the one guy told to keep his head down.
Nice To Know You Listened
Medusa then captures the one member of the Djinn who joined the group, wraps him up so he doesn’t escape, and attempts to gaze at him. However, these Djinn don’t have much flesh left on them since they replaced most of it with rocks so the stare doesn’t work.
Even Medusa Is Confused By This
But the Djinn guy reveals that…….
His Heart Is Basically A Bomb Strapped Across His Chest And He Blows Himself Up
Okay…….let me see if I get this straight. The character based off Middle Eastern mythology, has a bomb strapped to his chest (although it is his heart), and blows himself up. I can’t believe I have to use this meme but………..
Medusa crawls towards Perseus who is nearby. But she gets distracted when a giant rock falls on her tail with the one guy who doesn’t smile being on top of it. And before he dies at Medusa’s gaze……..
When Medusa turns around, Perseus grabs a sword and cuts off her head.
DECAPITATION!!!!!!Perseus comes out of the temple with Medusa’s head and meets with Io.
Who Gets Stabbed From Behind By Calibos
Perseus grabs the sword Zeus gave him earlier and in a fight, kills Calibos. Before dying, Calibos turns back into Acrisius, asking Persius not to become one of them (I’m assuming he means the gods).
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!!
The Kraken is thus released.
So Far, The Kraken Looks Promising. Maybe They Actually Got The Kraken Down.
I mean, while I did enjoy the look of the Kraken in the original Clash Of The Titans, that looked nothing like the actual Kraken.
Perseus arrives at Argos to save the day and Hades attempts to stop him using his Furies. The Furies steal Medusa’s head, but Perseus is able to get it back. The Kraken is finally revealed and….
(Wrong – 28)
While I know the original looks nothing like the actual Kraken, it didn’t look like the freaking Cloverfield Monster. This is a completely forgettable Kraken. Let’s just kill this fucker as Perseus uses Medusa’s gaze to turn the Kraken into stone.
Although Io Doesn’t Return For The Sequel (Wrong – 29)
So yes, because a sequel of this remake does exist, that means that this film did well in the box office. Director Louis Leterrier did want to return for the sequel, but when it was announced……….Warner Brothers named Jonathan Liebesman the director without any notice to the other guy. Yeah, Warner Brothers are dicks like that. Although critics may say the sequel is better as it is allowed to do its own thing (which the first one should have done to begin with), it is still considered a piece of crap and fans didn’t see this one because it bombed at the box office. But……before this one was even released, Warner Brothers optioned a third one of these so sadly this will most likely be a trilogy of shit.
Although Liam Neeson looks bad in this films, he thankfully has the Taken series to fall back on and at this point in Liam’s career, he will take almost anything so of course, he was in the sequel to this film as Zeus again. Of course Ralph Fiennes is the same way as well, having made loads of money and gotten awards over his career, to basically be able to not hesitate to take the sequel as well. Sam Worthington…………yeah, he has nothing better to do so he is also in the sequel. The reason Io doesn’t return in the sequel is because Gemma Arterton had better things to do like Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters………..sigh. Although her character probably should have returned despite different actresses as the actress who played Andromeda in this film was replaced by Rosemund Pike for the sequel. Mads Mickelson (who played the guy who smiled when he died) will be playing Hannibal Lecter in the new Lecter series. Sadly though, Pete Postlethwaite (who played Spyros) died in January 2011.
So since you know my opinion of this terrible film, I guess you could ask the question of “Would this film be that bad if it was not a Clash of the Titans remake”. The answer is hell yes as this film is horrible on its own merits. With directing that goes towards Michael Bay levels of annoyance and you can tell the actors not giving a shit. The CGI in this film is abysmal and honestly, if I had not seen the Thing prequel and my personal hatred towards that film, this would be the worst film I have ever seen. This film is horrible and deserves to be burned and forgotten about.
So did you get what you want, whoever you are?
First of all, the name is NegaSeth and secondly, I quite enjoyed watching you want to bang your head against the wall watching this film so while you were doing that, I ran a poll asking your fans to pick your next choice since that is what you have been always doing.
Please tell me you used the choices I had for this October’s choice…..
Oh don’t worry……….I did. After watching you want to gouge your own eyes out, I decided to give you a little break and do what you had planned. So since this was a poll of Fred Olen Ray movies (good luck with those), let’s see which one won.
*NegaSeth looks over the poll.*
Hmmmm….this will be interesting
Yes......This Will Be Interesting