Saturday, October 22, 2011

Monster Crap Inductee: Dracula 3000 (2004)

Monster Crap Inductee: Dracula 3000
Dracula...............IN SPACE


Kids………you remember when vampires were awesome.





Okay, I will admit………..I was never the biggest fan of vampire movies. Hell, one of the biggest “what the hell” moments I get is when I mention that I was not a big fan of Fright Night.

I Don’t Mean That Film…………Although I Think That Film Was A Joke.

Yeah, The Original.

Now, I am not saying I hated the film, but it just never got my interest at all. But that is neither here nor there; honestly…………I am merely mentioning that vampire films were never my cup of tea. But remember when they weren’t relegated to being met mostly by anyone with a Y chromosome with complete disgust.

I'm Looking At You, Sparkler

With all the nonsense that has been out there, it feels like it has been so long ago although the first Twilight book was actually written in 2005. And before you even go with the Anne Rice stuff, I would like to add that even Anne Rice kept several parts of the vampire lure in her world instead of do a complete 180 on the crap like Stephanie Meyer did. Anyway, when not brooding over their own curse (most vampires did that), they were being very savage for the most part in sucking people’s blood. Now the most synonymous of vampires is a guy by the name of Count Dracula.

Whether it be the Classic version of Dracula in Bela Legosi, the Hammer films version of Dracula in Christopher Lee, or my personal favorite….the 90s version of Dracula in Gary Oldman, you say vampire and the first person you get is Dracula. So in the late 90s, Wes Craven would produce and Patrick Lussier would direct a version of Dracula called Dracula 2000. Now I’ll get to that film on a way later induction because personally, I never could take that Dracula seriously when the fucker looked he could be the lead singer of either Creed or Bush, but that isn’t what we are talking about.

Instead we are talking about a film that looked to pass itself off as a sequel by calling itself Dracula 3000, even though there was already an actual direct to video sequel called Dracula II: Ascension was released in 2003, one year before this travesty. They also decided that let’s do a brilliant idea that several films have already done in putting this vampire in space……because I have already mentioned in my Jason X induction on how well that works out.

Hell, Space Vampires Isn’t Even That New As Lifeforce Did It In 1985 & That We Will Eventually Induct As Well One Day

But now we need to mention how I found out about this film. It was during my ill-fated job working at Blockbuster that while I was stocking the shelves, this film caught my eye and since Blockbuster employees had some perks in renting movies for free (I think it was one movie a week, but I can’t remember), I decided to rent this movie. So what made me remember this movie for half a decade? Well, you are about to find out.

Hey, At Least A Production Company Is Completely Honest With Us That This Film Is Fiction, Although The Idea Of This Movie Being Nonfiction Makes Me Laugh.

We start off this film with credits…….long-ass opening credits, but no opening title just yet. Oh they are saving that so you can see Udo Kier basically just show up to get his paycheck.

Actually, he is playing Captain Varda, who is on the Demeter, which has apparently been taken over by some force. He has set the ship to self-destruct and is holding a cross with his eyes closed. However, when the countdown reaches one, the self-destruct mechanism has been overridden. He screams as we get our opening title card.

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness? But My DVD Cover Just Has Dracula 3000. Oh Well……….I’m Still Calling it Dracula 3000 As There Is No Other Film With That Title.

And yes, for those snobs out there………..I know that this spaceship being called the Demeter is actually a nod to the Russian ship that transported Dracula to London in Bram Stoker’s novel. You’re going to get of nods to the actual Dracula story that are more hammer you in the head subtle than actually subtlety. This is actually one of the few times where actual subtlety is met.

We also get introduced to our crew first starting with our narrator Captain Abraham Van Helsing.

Okay, That Isn’t Even Anywhere Close To Subtle.

Oh, but that isn’t the biggest problem I see here. Look down below at the years he served in Special Forces and then look at when he was honorably discharged. Basically after he was honorably discharged, he served five more years in the Special Forces. I’m pretty sure that once you get discharged (honorably or dishonorably), you are done. I don’t think you get five more years.

Also that is Casper Van Dien, who this may actually be the first time I am doing a film that this guy has been in. I find that actually surprising because this guy has been in a load of stuff that I would consider Monster Crap and I am now getting into this guy. Basically, his biggest career move was in Starship Troopers, which was meant to be extremely cheesy, a science fiction satire and a complete jab at those good old war-time propaganda films. It was enjoyable in my mind although it is a very polarizing film. That was in 1997…….he fell pretty hard in terms of getting roles from then.

He talks about how his ship Mother-3 got a tip that a long lost ship the Demeter has been found in the Carpathian system (like the Carpathian mountains, where Dracula’s Castle is supposed to be on) and Abe & his crew is trying to get to the ship first before the Confederation lays claim to it, the ship is theirs.

Oh And Enjoy Loads Of Computer Screen Effects Because That Is How They Do Basically Everything Outside Of The Studio They Shot This Film.

Next up we have Arthur Holmwood aka The Professor.

Yes, Another Bashing You In The Head Reference To The Dracula Book, But A Rather Crafty One As In Most Adaptations, Arthur Holmwood Is Left Out Of Them So Most People Wouldn’t Equate The Two…………But I Can.

Through narration, Abe says they would be in a better position if he actually knew half the things as he thinks he does. So yes, he is an egotistical geek or go ahead Ogre……….


Sorry, I don’t think I will ever get over making that joke. It’s just so easy. Anyway, next up we have……..

Really Movie…………….MINA, As In MINA HARKER.

Now I know you are going to say “hey……..her name is Mina Murry, not Harker”. Well, here is the thing; Harker is the name she took from her husband Jonathan Harker. Her maiden name is Mina Murry. So yeah, this movie is basically ripping off characters and whole places from the Brom Stoker novel, but put it in SPACE!!!!

She is the navigator and as Abe mentions, she is not that good at her job. Next………..

Finally A Name That Is Not From The Book.

I looked and there is no Reginald Parker in the Dracula book. The closest I got is there is a Reggie Nalder and Kay Parker who are cast in the 1980 Dracula porn spoof, Dracula Sucks. But if I am putting more thought into this than the actual filmmakers and lord knows I don’t want Porno Pete showing up.

He is of course played by Tiny Lister, who while I will always remember as Deebo from the Friday series…..wrestling fans will remember him fighting Hulk Hogan as Zeus in No Holds Barred

Despite The Fact That No Holds Barred Flopped, Zeus Was Made An Actual Wrestler In The WWF And It Was Worse. Hulk Hogan Also Gave Him A Call To Be In WCW As Z-Gangsta When Hogan Was The Hot Name In WCW.

His nickname is Humvee and basically we will be calling him that through the rest of this film. As Abe explains, he is basically all brawn and no brains. The only real good thing he contributes is he is hugely necessary in salvage jobs. Next up is……….

Holy Crap………We Have Gone Two Characters Without Any Dracula Reference.

There is definitely no Fransisco Brett in the Dracula book. I can’t even give you a “giving more thought than the filmmakers did” line. So yay……………original name.

But then that ends when you realize that it is fucking Coolio. Coolio was a rapper who in the early 90s was very successful. The man actually got Grammies for his great song, Gangsta’s Paradise…………which a parody by Weird Al Yankovic called Amish Paradise caused a huge spat based on a misunderstanding between the two. His career in movies on the other hand, is a complete joke as he has two modes: Boring & Uncaring to Over-Acting & Mugging For The Camera. In this film, he does the latter.

As Abe says in his narration, 187 is basically a pothead who is only looking for drugs and money to buy drugs. Finally, we have…….

So That’s Three Names Ripped Off The Book And Three New Original Names.

Oh and she is played by Erika Eleniak. Who is she, you might ask? Well, she is a former playmate in 1989. Her main role was in 1989 where she was one of the original lifeguards Shauni McClain, in the hit TV Series…..Baywatch.

After having a major film role in the Steven Seagal hit Under Seige, she left Baywatch to try and capitalize on that success. Needless to say, it didn’t work out.

Anyway, this is her first mission despite being second in command (don’t ask how that works) and she is very abrasive.

We are now in the ship and we see Mina looking around to find any crew. She thinks she hears footsteps despite the ship being basically empty and she runs. She runs into Humvee who gives her a scare and somehow, got on the ship before she did…….despite her being clearly the first one on the ship. Basically this whole scene was a fake-out and a complete waste of our time.

Oh And We Keep Getting Interrupted By Random Video Log Of Captain Varda Explaining What Is Happening On The Ship At That Time. It’s Really Annoying And The Only Reason It Is There Is To Explain Away Some Questions With Even Worse Answers.

Anyway, we learn that other than being a complete moron with muscle, Humvee is also a bully who is very confident about his penis size as in his response to Abe’s question of if he is sure the oxygen level is 87%.

Humvee: Yeah I’m sure…… sure as my package is bigger than yours. You wanna come out here and find out for yourself!!!

They take off the oxygen masks and Humvee fakes having breathing problems so he can forcibly kiss Mina. Humvee………..he also sexually harasses women.

Big problem here…..Humvee’s fake choking should actually be legit choking because 87% oxygen is not breathable air. An actual scientist would tell you that breathable air is 78% nitrogen and 21% oxygen, meaning that the people in this film should die quickly from too much oxygen.

The captain tells Humvee to cut it out and Humvee speaks quietly that he is never going to get any action. Despite how hilariously ugly Tiny Lister is, I am never going to buy that his character hasn’t gotten laid even once………which is what we are supposed to believe in this film. Most of the crew meets in the hallway and Abe scolds Humvee again before realizing that 187 is missing.

Captain Varda shows up again to reveal the problems that the ship has. Like that it is adrift in the Carpathian Galaxy and that their communicators only work halfway in that they can receive messages, but they can’t send messages.

We then go to 187, who is smoking a bong.

Seems 187 Is Experiencing His Own “Fantastic Voyage”

Abe calls him and tells him to get his ass onto the ship. 187 tries to ignore him, but is yelled at and he reluctantly comes down.

The main group heads towards the control room and we get the tired old gag that the stairs in the room are not handicap accessible, which causes problems for Arthur.

Because He Is In A Wheelchair………

Humvee is forced to carry his ass down.

By The Honor Vested In Me, I Now Pronounce You Cripple & Meathead

When they get to the control pad, 187 comes in and tells the crew that he has something they need to see. Abe, Humvee, and Aurora decide to follow 187 so he can show them what he has found.

Captain Varda shows up once again to explain some crap we already know like the ship has gone to hell in a hand basket. Back in the control room, Mina gets a funny feeling and she tries to tell Arthur not to turn on the Demeter. He of course doesn’t listen to her because his brains are above funny feelings.

187 then shows the crew that he has found a body basically drained of blood holding a crucifix.

187 is about to touch the body, but Aurora yells at him not to because this is a crime scene and nothing should be touched. Seeing the crucifix, 187 thinks that it is a metal plus sign and also thinks the dead guy was into mathematics. Abe then reveals that it is a crucifix and Humvee explains that they banned those 200 years ago. Arthur is able to get power on the ship.

We get another message from Varda that while he has no control of navigation, something is moving them towards Earth. They head back to the control center where Abe reveals that this ship may be worth 15 million credits. This makes everyone excited except for Aurora, who wants them to leave the ship and then give it to the proper authorities. This causes 187 and Humvee to laugh and Humvee to say that Aurora must be out of her mind. Aurora responds by…….

Flipping Him Off Using Her Pinky????

Seriously, you couldn’t get another take of this woman using her middle finger……..we are just stuck with her using her pinky. Mina then goes to panic mode about what if they don’t make it back to Earth. I think I know how to handle this situation.

Humvee and 187 are sent to do some recon to see if they can find anything else on this ship. While speaking, we learn more about 187’s smoking habit and the fact that now weed is legal and regulated. Back at the control bay, the Demeter decides to eject Mother-3 from the landing bay which means the crew is now stuck on the Demeter with no way of escaping. Abe tells Arthur to figure out their situation while he go looks for the video log to see if they can explain what is going on. When 187 and Humvee get to the cargo area, they find a bunch of coffins being used as cargo.

Nothing Odd Here….

187 then decides that there might be some valuable stuff that is hidden in these coffins. He tries to open up one with a crowbar, but cuts himself while opening it. They find only sand in the casket and 187 tries to open another one. However, with his hand cut, he asks Humvee to assist him. Humvee does so by kicking open the next casket.

More sand is in that coffin as well and Humvee leaves. Mina comes into to be more of a bitch as she orders them to meet the professor. 187 decides to stay as he wants to open a few more because something has got to be in those caskets. However, while speaking……..blood falls into the sand of a casket.

Abe finds the captain’s quarters and looks at the tapes. We then see Varda explain that they went to the planet Transylvania, which is a planet run by vampires…………….are you fucking serious??? We have a planet of vampires called Transylvania. There are small nods to the story and then there are bash you over the skull references. This is one of those references that I don’t even need to explain to you because if you don’t get it………..I really do feel sorry for you. But if you do, you will feel like I do and that this film just raped you up the ass with that reference. Basically, the crew of the Demeter has been paid well to transport these coffins somewhere else because the planet Transylvania is dying.

Suddenly, Abe hears a scream so the captain, Humvee, & Aurora find 187 in shock after apparently being attacked. He also apparently has a broken leg.

Watch As This Broken Leg With The Bone Coming Out Become A Huge None Factor In The Future

They take 187 out of the room and almost all of them have left except for Aurora, who stops because she hears something. This only pauses her for a second as she heads out to join the rest of the crew. The crew sets 187 up on a pool table that is somehow conveniently there (even though we never saw it before). Arthur then decides that the bone must be snapped back into place and since Humvee is the strongest, he asks him to do it. However, Humvee does not feel comfortable in dealing with broken bones so he says he isn’t doing it. After a small debate, Aurora comes in and sets the leg back into place.

In a hallway, Abe and Aurora have a conversation about what is going on. We also get the feeling that these two are more than just business partners, if you know what I mean. Mina interferes and tells Abe that he is needed in the Rec Room. When Abe leaves, Mina goes to be a bigger bitch and basically accuse her of hiding information. Aurora says she isn’t hiding anything and that’s the end of that whole crap.

Abe goes to the Rec Room and meets with Arthur, who tells our captain that there are bite marks on 187’s neck.

While talking about who could have bitten him (which involves false information like the bite marks are incisors, which they can’t because incisors are your two front teeth and unless this vampire is Michael Strahan or WWE’s The Boogeyman…..the length between teeth is impossible to be incisors. More than likely the teeth are canine teeth), 187 wakes up as a vampire.

Remember when I mentioned Coolio decided to really over-act this role? Well, the moment he turns into a vampire is when it is really noticeable.

Including A Moment Where He Acts Like A Child

187 attacks both Abe and Arthur before Aurora shows up threatening him with a gun. 187 has this line of dialogue.

187: Did I ever tell you how many times I’d see you and want to ejaculate all over your bazonkas…. All the times I stayed up, high as a kite, in a non-gravitational atmosphere, while I stroke my anaconda and dreamed about your snow-white ass.

Aurora threatens to blow his “anaconda” to kingdom come if he takes another step and 187 has this mocking face to make.

Oh, Coolio Over-Acting Is Rich Here

187 then does every step with a phrase like this.

187: One….Betcha that pussy’s sweeter than a honey bun.
Two….when I’m through, I’m gonna pass you to the crew.
Three…..might as well get down on your knees.

Aurora then responds to his humor.

Aurora: Four…….you’re gonna end up dead on the floor

Abe tells Aurora to just shoot him, but our mugging vampire has one more thing to say.

187: Five…………ain’t none of y’all bitches getting out here alive!!!!

I wish he said this.

187: 1, 2, 3, 4………..get your woman on the floor. Gotta, gotta get up to get down……..gotta, gotta get up to get down

Aurora then starts shooting and what a shock, the bullets do nothing to him. Aurora runs away with 187 in hot pursuit. The alarm sounds and that alerts Humvee about something going on. When Humvee comes to the Rec Room, they explain that 187 is now up and is attacking the crew. They also explain that he’s after Aurora, but Arthur says that he wants to tittie fuck her first. Abe and Humvee then decide to chase after the 187 in hopes of helping Aurora.

When 187 gets to the cargo hold, he meets our lead vampire…….Count Orlock

Wait………..Orlock?? You Mean Our Vampire Is Called Orlock, Not Dracula? What The Fuck!! This Movie Is Called Dracula 3000. The Least You Could Do Is Have Freaking Count Dracula In This Film.

Yes, I Know Orlock Was Another Name For Count Dracula When They Couldn’t Use The Name Count Dracula. But The Title Of Your Movie Is Called Dracula 3000, So At The Very Least…….You Could Call The Vampire Count Dracula.

When 187 sees our count……..he starts acting like Renfield. You know what, I think I know how they got Coolio to do this film.

Movie Producer: Okay Mr. Coolio, we have a good role for you in a vampire movie.
Coolio: Okay………shoot.
Movie Producer: It’s called Dracula 3000. It’s Dracula in space, although we don’t call him Dracula…….we call him Orlock.
Coolio: Man, that sounds kinda stupid. But I am willing to listen so what role do you have.
Movie Producer: What we have is a character called 187 who likes to smoke a lot of weed.
Coolio: And……..
Movie Producer: And he is the first victim of the vampire attack.
*Coolio prepares to leave.*
Movie Producer: But he comes back as a vampire….
*Coolio stays.*
Coolio: Do I get to overact and be like that guy who follows Dracula around?
Movie Producer: You mean, Renfield?
Coolio: Yeah, that cat.
Movie Producer: Well, we were looking for a Renfield, but you playing him as well will let us have one less actor to hire so……….I’d say we can do that.
Coolio: Ah yeah…….boy……..sign me up for that shit right now.

And there you have what I believe is how they got Coolio. Back to the movie, Orlock tells 187 to kill everyone on the ship and the humble servant goes to do exactly that. But not before overacting his way off camera.

Even Count Orlock Is Amused By This Overacting.

While searching for either of the two, Humvee still can’t believe that 187 has gone mad and tries to explain how 187 has a heart of gold, but Abe tells Humvee to shut up. We then see Aurora hiding and she runs into Orlock. Orlock tells Aurora that she is the most beautiful creature he has ever seen and introduces himself. He then attempts to bite her and then we cut to the next scene.

Mina is watching Arthur and being the dumb bitch that she is, goes into the hallway and turns her back……..only to get grabbed by 187.

I Hope You Die Slowly For Being Such A Horribly Written Character

Arthur is devastated in losing her and screams behind the door for the vampire to leave her alone. When Abe and Humvee show up, he reveals that 187 got Mina. They then tell Arthur to stay where he is and they close the door on him. As the two men search the hallway, they bump into Aurora….who explains that while she didn’t run into 187, she did run into “him”. Of course while we know who she is talking about, but our characters don’t. They go back to Arthur, although he starts shooting first out of anxiety. Aurora then gets everyone up to speed on what is going on.

You know, I think out of all the characters, the only one who is an okay character is Captain Abe as he is a leader and acts normally. So as soon as I say that, he then has Aurora tied up on suspicion for being a vampire. Yeah, this complete change in his character is not set up well and it just makes you get confused. Abe then looks for bite marks on Aurora’s neck and even though he didn’t find any, he is still suspicious of her and has Humvee guard her while they go start up the ship.

Meanwhile, Aurora tries to get Humvee to believe she is not a vampire, but Humvee isn’t buying it. In the control deck, Arthur reveals that they can reroute the ship to the next nearby planet, but the name of the place I can’t hear because he is too low and spoke fast with his response.

Back in the Rec Room, Aurora says that she needs to go to the bathroom; Humvee first doesn’t believe her and then tells her to just go right there.

The Lazy Eye Plus The Face He Makes When He Says That, Just Makes Me Laugh Every Time.

Back in the control room, Arthur while looking up vampires reveals that Count Orlock is also known as Count Dracula. You should have called him that instead of Orlock and not try to play your audience for fools. They also find the Van Helsing name and Arthur comes to believe that Orlock only wants Abe. Oh and Abe didn’t know anything about the whole Van Helsing crap. Look, I don’t care how far in the future we are, his name is the same name as the legendary vampire killer; first and last. Dracula is not going to be a book that is going to be forgotten by generations anytime soon. Having that as your name and knowing kids in school, this piece of shit would know that of the significance of his last name. And the whole not knowing about Dracula in his time…………..really makes me question the education of our distant future.

Anyway, Abe tells Arthur to find him a way to kill this SOB………because in the future, they know about vampires, but they don’t know about Count Dracula…..oh sorry, Count Orlock. I miss the wacky antics of Coolio or the faces of Tiny Lister.

Thankfully the next scene we go back to Humvee and Aurora where they appear to be having a staring contest.

Oh Aurora, You Really Don’t Want To Be Having A Staring Contest With A Guy With A Lazy Eye, He Has A Huge Advantage Of Having Only One Good Eye Over Your Two So Less Stress Will Come To His Eyes.

A knock is heard at the door and it is 187, asking for Humvee to let him in. He uses the old friend card and Humvee, not being the smartest knife in the drawer, lets him in. 187 throws Humvee into the wall and goes after Aurora. Aurora yells for Abe and he comes. 187 chides Humvee by saying he can’t believe he fell for the friend card crap. 187 tries to bite Humvee’s neck, but Abe distracts him so the big man can throw our vampire off of him. Abe tries to shoot 187, but our vampiric servant says that they can’t kill him. But while going on about his speech, Humvee basically uses a pool cue and jams it through 187’s heart.

Ah Man……..Now Half Of The Entertainment In This Film Is Dead

After they deal with 187, Aurora asks to be let go since it is obvious that she is not a vampire. Basically, she tries to calmly get their attention and then yells about being untied. You know what, while I do not hate this scene, I just wish it was performed like Garry from John Carpenter’s The Thing.

I Know You Gentlemen Have Been Through A Lot, But When You Find The Time, I’d Rather Not Spend The Rest Of This Winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!

That’s more like it. They still wonder why when this Orlock had his chance, why did he not bite her. She reveals that she is a cyborg who works for the NWC (They never explain what that is) as surveillance. Basically she is a spy bot. Abe laughs and tells Humvee to untie her. When Humvee questions his decision, Abe says that since she is a cyborg, she has no human blood so Orlock wants nothing to do with her.

They go to check on Arthur, but they only see his wheelchair. They get concerned, but are relieved to find that he was under the desk trying to fix things. They tell Arthur that they killed 187 with a pool cue through the heart. Arthur then reveals that is since it was wooden, they drove a stake through the heart which is one of the ways to kill vampires. He then reveals that it has to be organic wood, not the synthetic wood product they are passing off as real these days. Will we ever see synthetic wood? Of course not, stop asking too much of this damn movie.

He also reveals that crucifixes can drive vampires away, but what they really hate is sunlight. Abe then says that sunlight might be out of the question since they are in deep space. Aurora then reveals that there are twin suns in the area so they can use that to kill the vampire. They then decide to look for more pool cues, but you can see that Abe is not happy with Aurora being a cyborg. Aurora finds one and Abe breaks it into two so they can have two stakes. The two then head to the cargo bay, where they hope to kill Orlock. They try opening a few caskets, but only find sand.

Meanwhile back in the control room, we see that Arthur has become very paranoid about his life since if trouble occurred, he couldn’t run (you know, with being unable to walk and all). Back in the cargo bay, Abe and Aurora open another casket and find….


Yes, Mina is obviously now a vampire so of course they are forced to stake her in the heart.

This death of course pisses off Orlock, who rises from his coffin. Abe tells Aurora to get Humvee and leave him to deal with the Count. Abe grabs a pool cue and confronts Orlock, revealing himself as a Van Helsing. Aurora bangs on the door and tries to get Humvee, but believing she might have changed…..Humvee doesn’t believe her when she says Van Helsing is in trouble….even though Arthur thinks she might be telling the truth.

With Humvee not listening, Aurora goes to the Captain’s room to grab a crucifix. Because Arthur keeps repeating his opinion that they are all going to die, Humvee leaves him alone because he would rather deal with Orlock than listen to him anymore. Aurora runs into Humvee and tells him that Van Helsing needs help in the cargo bay. Arthur then decides to leave the safety of the room to look for Humvee.

Bad Idea As He Meets Up With Orlock

Arthur begs for his life, but Orlock offers him a chance to walk forever as a vampire if he takes his hand. Arthur takes this offer because he wants to walk again. Unfortunately for him, a door is open and Orlock decides to leave before he can turn the cripple into a vampire.

Back in the cargo bay, Van Helsing crawls to the floor looking like he just got his ass kicked. Humvee and Aurora come in to help Van Helsing, but they find a big surprise.

Abe Is Now A Vampire

Abe tries to bite Humvee, but Humvee is not one to go down easily. While the two tussle, Aurora grabs the stake from the heart of Mina. Aurora then uses the broken cue to stab Abe in the heart, killing him.

Of course taking the stake out of Mina’s heart was a bad idea because as you know, once the stake is out of that heart…………the vampire can live again.

I Fear For The Future With These People Knowing Nothing About Vampires

So Mina attacks Aurora and of course that doesn’t last long as she keeps Mina at bay with a cross while Humvee stabs her in the heart with the piece that wasn’t attached to Abe’s heart.

More walking through hallways occur (yes, half of this movie involves people walking through hallways). They go into the control room, which they are surprised is open. They see Arthur slouched over his wheelchair.

He’s A Vampire………

Of course they don’t know if he is or isn’t so Aurora decides to stab him with the cross anyway.

That takes care of vampire Arthur and when Humvee asks how she knew he was a vampire, she says she didn’t. Bitch, what happened if he wasn’t a vampire, you know what that would make you? Childs from my favorite movie of all time The Thing (1982), tell this bitch what that would make her.

Makes You A Murderer, Don’t It?

That it does my good man…….that it does. So with what happened that whole scene with Orlock offering to turn Arthur and then running at the first sound of noise was……………completely pointless. Orlock bursts out of his casket again.

You Know Orlock, If You Keep Blowing Up Those Casket Lids In Anger; You Aren’t Going To Have Any Place To Sleep.

Orlock tries to attack the two, but they close the door on him……….which traps his arm. This is where I really do not like this portrayal of Dracula (sorry, Orlock). This vampire screams like a little bitch when his arm gets caught.

Apparently, Being The Last Vampire Means Screaming Like A Bitch

Orlock loses his arm when they close the door all the way and he screams about losing his arm.

Sadly This Is The Last We See Of Our Main Villain.

We then go to our final scene which shows Humvee and Aurora talking about they don’t have enough control of the ship to turn around so the ship will go right into the sun, killing everyone. While bumming out that they are going to die, Aurora reveals that she was a pleasure bot before she was upgraded. Humvee talks about how he heard about those, but sadly (and tearfully in Humvee’s case), he never had enough credits. So because the two are going to die, Aurora takes pity on him and offers herself to him free of charge. Humvee’s response is what all of us would probably say in the same situation.

Humvee: Ain’t gotta tell me twice.

He then picks her up over his shoulder and leaves the scene to supposedly make sweet love to the cyborg.

You Go, Humvee……………

We go through the ship and then get a scene of Captain Varda saying he is going to sacrifice the ship so this evil never gets to Earth. Then…..

A CGI Explosion

And then we get closing credits. But wait, we get one wacky scene with Humvee again saying “That’s what I’m talking about” and then slapping Aurora’s ass while she is still over his shoulder. And we end the movie.

First we get to talk about the after effects of this film and………well. Not really much to say with this cast. Casper Van Dien reprised his role his role as Johnny Rico in Starship Troopers 3: Marauders, Udo Kier still does small roles in cheesy horror films so he can keep getting a paycheck (although he did get roles in the Halloween remake, Grindhouse, and Dario Argento’s Mother of Tears), but he also was cast as Regal Monk in this travesty.

Tiny Lister, who I really do like for his funny acting, has also been in a movie I inducted.

But the big thing he did lately was he had a small scene in the huge hit, The Dark Knight

Yes, He Was The Prisoner On The Ferry Who Took The Switch To The Bomb Attached To The Other Ferry, & Threw It Into The Water.

This movie is………………….well, memorable to say the least. However, it is really bad and makes huge mistakes that even any thinking man could see. The performance of Dracula (sorry, Orlock) is absolutely one of the worst. And several actors playing it straight next to this vampire is just pathetic. The references to the book are just nauseating and the fact that because they need to explain to the audience the whole vampire mythos, they make the characters incredibly stupid which makes the idea of people knowing squat in the future terrifies me more than this film.

But the most egregious fault of this film is the fact that a lot of the deaths and transformations are done off-screen. I know with a lot of the turns, they are trying to go with the whole “is he a vampire, isn’t he” well, but they go to that well way too many times to the point that you really don’t care. It is like TNA doing the whole chaos behind the scenes story every week and it getting old, but when WWE introduces chaos behind the scenes with CM Punk, it felt new and fresh and when WWE started doing that once again too often, it got tiring. You don’t go to any well too many times because it gets old and tiring.

The only redeeming quality to this film is the overacting of Coolio (who knew he was in a piece of shit) and the funny mannerisms of Tiny Lister, who even if he takes the role seriously, could bring out his wacky faces to lighten the mood. Other than that, I say if you see this movie, you will remember it……………but not fondly. I know I won’t forget this movie and I have no desire to ever see it again.

 Well, since we have dealt with Dracula in Space, a monster that shoot death rainbows, midi-chlorians, a monstrous cross between a shark and an octopus, and of course……..Max Headroom trying to terrify us, I wonder what is next for me thanks to the Randomizer.

Evil Frogs………….Okay, I’ll Bite.

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