Saturday, April 23, 2011

Monster Crap Inductee: Raging Sharks (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Raging Sharks
The Producer of Shark Attack 3 Continues To Give Us More Shark-Related Failures


A few years ago on a Valentine’s Day, I presented to my fans a surprise induction where I would induct a film that I had gotten requests to induct for a while and that film is Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. Why was that film so much requested? Well………look at this link to see why.

Yeah, from the worst pick up line in the history of mankind to the really bad shark effects, it is pretty obvious why I was hounded by requests to do that film. Oh and the funniest part of that infamous pick-up line that for some unknown reason, did not cross my mind is…..the actor saying that line is GAY.

So yes, the guy who sounded like the biggest pig on the face of this earth actually doesn’t swings for the other team. It is also funny as he just said that line out of improve as that was not originally in the script. He just said that line and the director thought it was so good, he kept it in the film.

But there is only one person who was in that disasterpiece that is in our next induction and that is the man who produced Shark Attack 3, Danny Lerner. Danny as you will learn actually has done a lot of films with killer sharks in them (Shark Attack II, Shark Zone which is technically Shark Attack IV, & Sharks In Venice). Those last two were films that he himself directed and so is this film which was released two years after he did Shark Zone.

Before I even saw this film, the premise of this film had me hooked into a possible Monster Crap induction.

Doctor Mike Olsen returns from his oceanic observation station, where his wife Linda feels in charge, when it's reported in desperate trouble after a sudden shark attack wrecked the oxygen supply. The accompanying ship and even the coast guard are also attacked, and soon other sites in and around the Bermuda triangle, where a few years earlier an alien space-ship crashed, which now seeps a mysterious organic crystal. The US Navy sends a submarine, which also carries bureaucrat Ben Stiles, who berates safety and other violations aboard. More dangers lurk inside as getting out proves physically daunting.

Did you get that? There are killer sharks, the Bermuda Triangle, & last of all…………..freaking ALIENS!!!!

This film also stars Corbin Bernsen, who is a big name in B level movies. We also have Vanessa Angel, who pretty much played the hot piece of ass in films like Kingpin and TV series like Weird Science (yes, there was also a film this series is based on, but she was not in that). And finally our main actor in this film is Corin Nemec. He had starred in the TV series Parker Lewis and had a role in the TV series, Stargate SG1. He actually had a big role in the series for two years before the other guy he was replacing came back and he was shortly written off thereafter. And this was the film he did after he left Stargate SG1 and the director thought he would be a big enough name to put above the title of this film.

And now it is time for me to show you why all of this ended up being a complete failure so let’s begin.

We first start out with the Nu Image logo.

It Shouldn’t Surprise That This Company Was Also Behind Shark Attack 3

Tosca Picture was also behind this film, but this was their first and they only did 3 films before they died.

We then start our film in outer space…

Where A Space Ship Seems To Be Flying Towards Mars

A Very Large Space Ship To Be Precise

We then meet our aliens who………

Look Like Someone Raided Costumes From Other More Famous Movies.

While they are looking at their crystals, it appears someone was not at the wheel of the space ship and it crashes into the space station.

Yes, Our Whole Plot Happens Because Of Space Drunk Driving. Responsibility: Even In Space, It Means Nothing

That thing flying away from the crash is what keeps the crystals and it flies towards Earth. There we see a lonely ship out at sea. Little do they know that something is about to crash onto them, but we do get one of these people’s reactions when it is coming at them.

Bummer, Dude……

Bye Bye Boat

Oh My God They Stole The Underwater Explosion Footage From Shark Attack 3.

After the boat sinks, we finally get our opening credits and title card.

Okay, If You Wait This Long To Show The Title Of Your Film, At Least Don’t Be Lazy With The Actual Title. Looks Like Someone Used Microsoft Word And Put That Over Our Film.

After some of the laziest cut and paste use of opening credits I have seen in a while, we get some info where we are now.

Yep…..We Are At The Same Place Five Years Later & Yes, Like I Said Earlier….This Is The Bermuda Triangle.

We get to learn that the ship at sea now is called the Paradiso and there is an underwater sea station called the Oshana. You will find out soon how insane this whole idea is later, but for now, we must roll with this.

There Is Our Sea Station, If Anyone Asks. Looks A Lot Like Someone’s Fish Tank Diorama To Me.

Oh Thanks Movie, I Already Mention What The Hell This Is And You Finally Decide To Tell Us As Well

We then meet our main character Dr. Mike Olsen.

Who Looks Like He Just Realized Who Is Directing This Film

He gets called over by Vera…

Who Looks Like She Just Realized That After This Crapfest, She Has To Be In Another Shark Related Nightmare Known As SharkMan or Hammerhead: Shark Frenzy.

Yeah, That Looks Like A Pure Winner…………Not!!

Sonar shows that there are more sharks in the area and Mike does the most sarcastic sounding “That is so weird” even though he is obviously not supposed to be sarcastic. This is what we are in for guys, an actor who can’t seem to get the right emotion right for the situation he is in. Vera then complains that they need new equipment as the ones they are using are so outdated. Mike then basically shrugs her complaint as saying once we get more results, we can get new stuff. Remember this because we are supposed to sympathize with the guy later when grilled about this.

Another guy named Harvey complains as well that it looks like the mini-sub is going to crack before they get the results needed. He says that might get new equipment for, but the rest need results before they get updated. Of course we do learn that Mike is leaving everyone behind for some vacation. Nice guy………..

But before he leaves, he talks to his wife, Linda (who he is leaving behind also) and she also tries to tell him about the new equipment. He responds with a “What do you want me to do about it?” Yeah, when you run the place……… are supposed to be the one who informs the institute of the upgrades needed. I guess I should mention that Linda is probably the most sympathetic character in this whole thing because Vanessa Angel seems to actually be trying. Although when her last two films before this were the abominable Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (I will not be touching that film for a very very long time) and Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (No offense to my good man, Charles Band), anything would be considered an improvement.

And of course, she actually tells him the same thing I just said in that he is the leader and he is the one who should be pushing for better funding. She says if they don’t get it eventually, everything will fall apart. Then Mike deviously says “That may not be a bad thing” when it is obvious he is supposed to be joking. Actually, he is supposed to be serious as he wants out of this bubble for good because nothing has happened. He then talks about how he wants a family and a house. Linda then tells him that she knows he is tired, but he has a responsibility here. He then asks her what is she going to do after the job is done, kisses her, and leaves.

Meanwhile back at the underwater station, the chemist in the group, Jonas has analyzed a crystal he found and has seen that it has no qualities that a normal earth mineral does. We also find out that Simona has a hobby of mountain climbing. Also, two men are sent to fix a relay switch. They go out to fix it and…… can guess what happens.


Basically the two divers are fish food.-

Linda tries to go out and help them, but is almost killed herself. She saves herself with a….

A Boot To The Head?

No, that would actually be funny though………instead she just stabs the shark in the eye.

She is able to escape, however the pissed off sharks

Destroy A Cable……

That cable leads to their oxygen supply and power so now they need rescuing. They try to call the Paradiso for help, but the guys they send down also become shark food. The Paradiso can’t do anything now so they have to call in the Coast Guard.

In Boston, Mike gets a…..

Wait What???

I don’t know about time issues, but I don’t believe you can get from the Bermuda Triangle all the way to Boston and for it still to be daylight. Let alone do all of that and get a car. It takes several hours. Yes, one of the biggest problems with this film is it is pretty much shot in daylight. While that might be the most convenient for your camera equipment, it kind of says this is all happening in less than 12 hours, which as you will find out is completely impossible.

Anyway, Mike gets a call about the problem and immediately drops what he is doing to help with the rescue. We move to the USS Roosevelt……..

Or Some Stock Footage….

There Mike meets Captain Riley…

Hey, It’s Corbin Bernsen!!!!

And We Also Meet Ben Stiles.

He says he is of the Marine Oceanic Agency and basically gives Mike shit for having outdated equipment. Finally glad someone is doing it, however as we figure out………Ben is a bit of an asshole. So you have a guy who deserves to receive shit for not owning up to his responsibilities as leader and an asshole bureaucrat. So just to save me the trouble of having to describe this, we are going to get into a pissing contest between these two and we are all going to suffer for it.

Back at the Oshana, we have a small conversation between Simona and Carlo where we see that Carlo has a son at home.

But you can sense here that Simona has an attraction towards Carlo. Vera tells Linda that all the systems are down and they are only running on a backup generator and as we all know, those don’t last forever.

Harvey basically starts complaining and gets shit because he himself isn’t doing much. Of course, he is upset that Linda is bossing him around before Linda tells him that as long as Mike is gone, she is in charge. After Harvey is told off by Vera, Linda is curious about the shark’s activity as she hasn’t seen behavior like this before. Jonas comes in and reveals that the orange particles he collected are not of this world.

Jonas mentions that the particles could be affecting the sharks and thinks the stuff could be toxic. Linda then tells him to find out what it is. Meanwhile the captain of the Paradiso has to set one of this crew straight before we see the Coast Guard has sent a plane.

Boss……The Plane, The Plane. I Have Always Wanted To Do That And Now I Finally Can.

The Captain of the Paradiso talks to them and tells them that they need help retrieving the cables. They say they will try their best, but sadly for them……….their best does not include a shark attack. One guy gets knocked off the boat and eaten.

Back at the Oshana, Harvey complains to Leo about Linda ordering them around.

Linda comes in asking how the damage is and they say the need to turn on the reserves, but they don’t want to do it. Linda is a little peeved by this and Harvey tries to get an attitude with her. Yeah, Harvey becomes a chicken in denial so I know who to send for the job.

You’re Just A Chicken…..Cheep Cheep Cheep Cheep

We then get an ominous shot of the alien canister that is glowing some yellow light.

Meanwhile back on the sub……

Mike Gets Scared As A Shark Comes To Say Hi

But that was all a dream as Mike wakes up. Mike goes to talk to Riley about the Oshana and Riley reveals another diver was killed. And fucking Ben shows up so we can continue with these two’s pissing contest. This one lasts for ten seconds before Riley tells these two to take this somewhere else.

Even Riley Is Starting To Get Annoyed By These Two.

In Bermuda, several sharks attack and kill some vacationers near the beach.

Nearby, we have a bunch of scientists dissecting on one of the sharks they caught and they found some strange orange crystals.

Meanwhile back at the sub, we get another argument between Mike and Ben. Riley tries to calm Mike down and even he agrees Ben is an asshole. Mike asks for some new information and Riley tells him of the shark attack in Bermuda. Now does this shark attack in Bermuda ever get mentioned again………..Nope. So why was it there…………….to pad the body count. Riley tells Mike about the orange crystals they found and Mike wants to ask if he can see the test results for those.

Back at the Oshana, Vera talks about how her fiancée begged her to get married before this trip and she wishes she had listened. Linda then reassures her that they will get her home. Meanwhile, the sub passes by an old shipwreck which we know was the ship from the beginning of the film. One of the sub technicians tells Riley that they have some strong magnetic readings. Riley responds with some submarine jargon that goes way past my head.

Well, we get more padding for our body count as we have a news team on a boat trying to get the story on this whole incident. Unfortunately for them, the sharks are not a fan of snoopy reporters.

I should mention before I continue….


The boat explodes, sending the snoopy people overboard.

They are then picked off by the sharks.

Goodbye stupid members of the media.

Back on the sub, Mike is given lab results on the shark, which tells that the crystals found are unknown. When thermo sonar reveals that sharks are everywhere, Ben comes in and asks what the hell they were doing down there. No argument here thankfully, just Mike giving a snide look at him.

Linda is able to get through to the sub and she learns that Mike is part of the rescue. Mike assures her that they will all be rescued. Mike then asks Riley if they have any vehicles for evacuation and Riley says they have none. Okay……………..why the hell did you send this sub if they don’t have the necessary stuff needed for evacuation? Mike is dumbfounded by this as well, but just says the hell with it and they will just have to use the mini-sub.

Guess it is time for another moment of “Seth Drakin Adds Dialogue To Make A Movie Better”. Now……….we can add this bit of dialogue between where Riley describe how they have nothing and the bit of dialogue where Mike just accepts that they have to use the mini sub………….and go.

Mike: I don’t mean to be rude to you and your crew, but why the hell were you guys sent for this rescue mission without the necessities needed?
Riley: Honestly……………beats the hell out of me.

And scene. There, I just added a bit of comic relief to a film that you are taking way too seriously.

Anyway, Mike tells Linda to have everyone ready and Linda responds to please hurry. Mike gets ready to get out when Ben says he is coming too. The two go out of the submarine and surprisingly the sharks aren’t all up in these divers’ grill. Ben goes off somewhere (to take pictures???) and as Mike tries to warn him not to flash, he does and that sets off the sharks. They are able to get into the station and Mike immediately yells at Ben. Ben for once doesn’t have a comeback and just says he is sorry. Riley immediately gets word that the two divers made it safely into Oshana, but only barely. When Ben comes in, Vera wonders who this guy is and Mike says it is some prick who wants to shut them down. Vera says “Over my dead body” threateningly towards Ben and Ben gives the perfect reaction to being threatened by a woman who is definitely smaller than him.

Yeah………..I Would Be Merely Amused By Her Threat

Ben says that this place is beyond condemned. Harvey is happy to hear this because this means he gets to go home and high fives his friend Leo at the news. Linda tells Harvey to shut up and tries to plead with Ben that they spent 10 years of their lives on this. Ben basically says he is just doing his job, which Vera responds by calling him a “fucking bureaucrat”. Mike then calms everyone down because this whole thing is over and everyone is evacuating. Ben congratulates him for his wise decision, but Mike tells him to shut up or he will be locked in a closet.

The ominous canister of crystal is shown again and this time, it causes the sub to have some mechanical issues. There is a fire in the engine room and there is flooding in several compartments.

I Don’t Think Glass Is Supposed To Be There. For God Sakes, Someone Clean The Camera Lens.

Riley calls the Oshana and tells them the hydraulics are down and they can’t open another hatch for 35 minutes. Harvey is mad because they don’t have 35 minutes of oxygen supply. When told that they need to get the reserves up and running, Harvey plays coward again and refuses to do it. Mike decides since Harvey won’t do it, he will. When Carlo says that he is going too, Mike tries to talk him out of it, but no luck. After they leave, Linda tells Harvey that if anything happens to Mike, it will be his head.

When Mike is almost ready to get the reserves ready, the sharks start coming. The sharks kill Carlo and Simona is in tears. Mike is able to get the reserves on, but is chased away from the Oshana by the sharks. They seem to have him cornered him a reef. Mike tells Linda that he has a plan to get him back, but he needs the sub’s help. The plan is for the sub to fire a torpedo that will cause some shock to the sharks allowing Mike enough time to get back. After apprehension from both Linda and Riley, the plan is set into motion and while it is a success, there is some very bad damage to the Oshana. Mike talks about while coming back; he saw the canister with the strange crystals. He thinks that might be what is causing the sharks to go insane.

Harvey then tries to blame this whole thing on his wife and Mike sets him straight. They call Jonas on the particles and he says he doesn’t have anything as it doesn’t seem to be from this world. Suddenly, the mini-sub becomes operational and we know that Harvey decides to try and leave everyone behind. The sharks see the mini-sub and they attack. This eventually causes an explosion and Harvey is dead.

Good Riddance……….Chicken Shit

Leo takes this very badly as he blames Mike for his death and leaves. Linda consoles Mike over possibly there only way to escape just blowing up. Mike then tells Riley that they just lost their evacuation vehicle. The crew of the Oshana then talks about how Ben has just disappeared. Mike asks Riley to do a background check on Ben because something isn’t right in our protagonist’s mind. The crew then decides to look for Stiles. They get a call from Jonas who reveals that the crystals are cold fusion fuel that is nothing of this Earth. Mike and Linda go to see Stiles, but when they get there……..

They Find Jonas Got Stabbed

Vera and Simona come in and they are told Jonas is dead. They then get a message from Riley who says that repairs are done and reveals the Marine Oceanic Agency has never heard of Ben Stiles. As soon as he says that, Ben Stiles comes in with an assault rifle and starts shooting up the place.

Ben then reveals that he is a black ops member of MJ-12, a defense intelligence agency. Actually, funny that Mike would know what MJ-12 is because it is actually only an alleged codename for a secret committee of scientists, military officials, and government officials. They were supposedly formed by an executive order of President Truman. It is basically part of all that conspiracy stuff you hear about Area 51 and Roswell. MJ-12 means Majestic 12, Majic 12, Majority 12, or Mars-Jupiter 12. It’s basically exposition that this scientist should has an idea what that means.

Mike then reveals that Ben is obviously not there to help them, but kill them instead. Ben then says that he tried to talk Mike into giving this whole thing up, but he was too stubborn. Vera tries to use a diversion to escape, but she gets gunned down. Ben reveals that unfortunately, the Oshana stumbled into a restricted area. Okay, if this was a restricted area……… had 5 count’em, 5 YEARS to tell them to get the hell out or I don’t know, grab the damn thing. You would figure a secretive society like MJ-12 would have better use of its vast resources.

Mike yells that they don’t own the ocean. Actually Mike, depending on where your area is, they kind of do as two of the three points of the Bermuda Triangle are Miami, Florida and Puerto Rico……one of which is actually part of the United States of America and the other is a territory owned by the USA. But hey, who be it for me to actually question your statement using actual geography?

Anyway, Ben retorts that MJ-12 owns whatever the hell they want, especially if it has to do with National Security. Ben then reveals that the canister is Cold Fusion, which can power the world for 500 years. Mike asks an obvious question of why they couldn’t get it then and Ben replies that is because they couldn’t find it. Ben then says that they stumbled upon it and they triggered a beacon which can shoot into outer space. I would like to know how they triggered that damn beacon, but hell………..this movie is too lazy. Simona then screams that they have it so they can leave. Ben replies he can’t do that because if the rest of the world found out, they would have to share. Here is the problem with that whole greed mentality, the rest of the world isn’t that stupid that you could basically use Cold Fusion for years to come and no one would notice.

We then realize that Ben needs one of them to survive so he is offering up volunteers to help him get the hell out of there in return for surviving. Leo jumps on him and we have a short fight scene where Ben kills Leo. Mike and Linda are able to escape and try to get Simona to come with them, but she is too scared to move so they have to leave her. Ben sees that Simona is still left so he grabs her. Simona then reveals that she doesn’t know how to operate the hatch so Ben locks her into a room, which just as he locks her, has a water breach. Ben goes to the kitchen where he is stabbed in the back by Linda. Ben drops the gun and when Linda grabs it, Ben talks about if she knows how many shots are in there. She thinks he is bluffing, but he wasn’t as the gun is out of ammo. Ben grabs the gun back as Linda runs off.

Mike is looking for Linda, but runs into Ben who starts shooting. Mike is able to get away though which tells me that Ben isn’t a very good shot.

We then get this shot where Simona is up to her shoulders in water, guess this means that she might barely survive because someone will save her.


Yep, Linda finds Simona has drowned and that is all for her. You know what, film? You could have saved a few seconds of film if you cut out that scene with Simona up to her shoulders in water and a later shot where the water rises above Simona’s head. With the water breach, I think we could have figured out that Simona drowned. You don’t need to put false hope on a character that no one cares about.

Ben eventually captures Linda, basically relying on the fact that Linda despite being a scientist, is a bit of an idiot. Mike then attacks Ben which basically lets Linda be able to escape. We have a fight scene where as expected Ben kicks Mike’s ass. However Mike grabs the gun and since Ben knows that there are still bullets in there, he runs. Mike then shoots at nothing. Way to use some bullets, Mike. Ben then hides and when Mike comes looking, Ben knocks him down and tries to strangle him. Mike is able to grabs a steel canister and hits Ben over the head with it. That only mildly delays Ben’s attempt to kill Mike, but letting steam out of a pipe does scald Ben enough to let go completely.

Riley is trying to call for them, but he then gets orders from an admiral to get out of the area. We then get some pointless (and I mean crap that could be completely cut) filler where Mike is still looking for Linda, who he is eventually able to find. Ben comes in and we get another fight scene where Ben kicks Mike’s ass. Ben grabs an axe and tries to kill Mike, but Mike gets out of the way. But Linda shoots Ben with a harpoon gun.

Not As Good As Harry Callahan In The Dead Pool

This downs Ben big time, but he is not dead and can only crawl so he won’t be of any real problem to Mike and Linda. What will be a problem though is the fact that the escape hatch won’t open. Riley is upset that he has to do this, but he radios the Admiral that they are surfacing. Mike is mad that they are leaving and he tries to yell for them. We have a last few minutes of Mike and Linda talking and it seems they are ready to die.

Suddenly out of the window, Mike and Linda see the aliens grabbing the canister.

Then soon after the aliens leave, Oshana explodes

Well, I guess we get a sad ending, but hey……….this movie is over. It was okay, a little downbeat for my taste. But hey, I didn’t like the characters so killing them off brings no care from………..




Yes, for some ungodly reason, all of the people who were still alive in the Oshana (none of which are slasher villains or immortal) survive the explosion of an underwater laboratory. No scars from the explosion at all. Exploding underwater laboratories DON’T WORK LIKE THAT!!!! There are so many things wrong with this. An explosion like the one you saw should not in any way leave the body in one peace. But everyone is fine……AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, just needed a moment to compose myself. Back to the movie or what is left of it. Anyway, Ben Stiles immediately gets eaten by a shark so he is dead.

Mike gets Linda back to the sub and the crew is dumbfounded, but glad to see the two are able to make it out of the explosion. We get a brief moment where Mike has to give CPR to Linda, but she survives. While the two are relaxing later, Riley comes in to check on the survivors and Mike immediately tells Riley about the aliens. He says that it is obvious that the sharks were protecting the canister. Riley never saw the aliens and things Mike must have been seeing things. We get some stock footage of a submarine as this abortion of a film thankfully ends.

Now for the aftermath with some of these actors. Corbin Bernsen (who played Capt. Riley) one year later would be in a very prominent role as Shawn Spencer’s father, Henry in the hit USA show Psyche. Three years later, Elise Muller (who played Vera) would be in an independent film called Baghead. I only mention that because it was kind of hyped as an independent film, but I honestly found it very boring.

Now for my overall thoughts and I guess short answer could be……….I FUCKING HATED THIS FILM!!!!! Seriously, there are only two people who actually did a decent job and those are Vanessa Angel and Corbin Bernsen, even though you could tell Corbin Bernsen didn’t care. See that is how much the rest of these actors suck. Corbin Bernsen can doze his way through this dialogue and he could still out-act the rest of these jokers. There are plenty of shots that you can tell were re-used from Shark Attack 3 (not the best material to steal from). Oh and when they use the stock footage, they used stock footage of a Killer Whale. Yeah…..sharks and whales, what’s the difference? And then there is that goddamn ending, which I think I have trashed enough. New Moon, you are no longer in the Top 5 of worst movies I have ever inducted because this asinine film just pissed me off more. How the hell do you make a shark movie this bad? You know what; I’m just going to move on because if I talk about this film anymore, I might pop a vein.
Now I am going to need something to take way some of the pain and hopefully, the fans helped me out. But then again….after I inducted the pain that was Zarkorr The Invader, I had to induct Transmorphers afterwards. Yeah that was a nightmare. So let’s see if they fans wanted me to suffer or gave me a break.

Oh Thank God……………..

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