Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Monster Crap Inductee: Thankskilling (2009)

Monster Crap Inductee: Thankskilling

2009 GINO Award Co-Winner

2009

I have to admit, normally when I do these inductions for GINO Award winners, I normally get a movie that is a chore to sit through and one time I got a movie that filled me with a load of venom that almost rivaled the venom I have for one Hulk Hogan.

I Have A Lot Of Venomous Hatred For This Man, So Much So That I Really Don't Want To Talk About It Outside Of That.

But this time it is different because one of movies that won this year is so awesomely bad that I have watched this film 5 times since purchasing it. The movie is called Thankskilling and even if it did not win this award which means an early induction, I probably would have inducted it for November. But it won and because of that, I will have another movie in plans for that spot and trust….that film is a turkey of a film as well.

Some back-story to this film is required and because this was really low budget, there is not much information on the back-story other than this was made because our two directors wanted to make a Thankskilling horror film and the only ones really available was the one I will be inducting in November, the terrible slasher movie Home Sweet Home, and of course that 3 minute Eli Roth fake trailer called Thanksgiving which was shown during the theatrical run of Grindhouse. These two guys started making the movie while they were in college and it took two years for them to complete. Also I would like to remind you that if this film does not look like the cinematography that you are used to in most films, I would like to add that this was done on a very low budget. Hell, if you look on the DVD cover, you could see exactly that as it goes far as to say this movie is unrated because they couldn’t afford to get an actual rating.

Now let’s start this induction going before I have more problems that hold this damn thing off for another month or something.

We begin with…..I better start with a picture immediately.

Censors Won't Allow Me To Show The Picture In Question So Instead I Have The DVD Menu As The First Pic And The Promise Of Tits In The First Second Is True.

We do know also that this was in 1621 and it is moments after the very first Thanksgiving. A topless pilgrim is running away from screams and evil laughter. She slips on a rock and turns around to see our film’s villain…..as he utters his first lines.

Killer Turkey: Nice Tits, Bitch

He then proceeds to use an axe and kill her, but from our vantage point…he just slams the axe down and it causes a rip, which begins the credits.

I Have To Say This May Not Look Like Much Frozen, But These Are Very Good Credits Coming From A Real Low Budget Film.

We get the usual cast of unknowns for this low budget affair, but it is featuring three people who have interesting names.

Chuck "Dead Body Guy" Lamb, A Guy Who Has Made A Living Off Of Playing A Corpse. You Should Know By Now That With A Name Like That, This Guy Will Die.

Really, I Have Nothing To Say About This Guy Other Than....Best Name.....EVER!!!!

Would It Suprise You That She Is A Porn Star And The Woman Who Played The Topless Pilgrim In The Beginning? I Didn't Think So.

We then go to a school (which is actually Denison University in Granville, Ohio). Yes, basically the guys decided to shoot the opening scenes where they went to college at. At the school, we meet our stereotypical jock and redneck.

And Apparently, Since We Already Have Women Tits At The Beginning, Our Redneck Friend Decided To Give The Ladies Some Man Boobies.

Anyway, the jock is named Johnny and the redneck’s name is Billy. Nope….no last names are necessary in a movie like this. Billy is celebrating the fact that its Thanksgiving break while Johnny would like the guy to not show his chest. Billy tells him to be quiet as he is trying to get Ali to show her tits.

Which Ali Kind Of Does.....Except She Still Has Her Bra On. Sadly, This Is As Close To Tits As You Will Get Through The Rest Of This Movie.

Ali is of course the stereotypical slut and the girl next to her is named Kristen. Kristen is the stereotypical good girl and she has some choice remarks towards Ali. When Ali shows her bra and says it’s Spring Break, Kristen tells her the following.

Kristen: Put your shirt down. It’s Thanksgiving, not Tits-giving.

We then also get a hint that Ali is trying to have sex with Johnny. Actually, it’s not a hint because she says sexual innuendo to him throughout her time in the movie.

Finally rounding out our main cast is the stereotypical nerd named Darren. Ogre, you may proceed….

NERD!!!!!!!

Anyway, when Johnny wonders why the nerd is following them, Billy tells him that Darren is his friend. Anyway, the girls decide to wait for the guys in the car so Johnny and Darren can introduce themselves to each other. We also now know that Johnny was the starting QB of the school football team, but is now the backup because in his words, “he broke his leg last year”. As we football fans know in reality, he is backup because the starter is better than him. We also get to see Daren’s weird antic that he does through most of the movie.

Yep....He Licks His Fingers.

We then see them all get into the SUV as since there are five people, three people are sitting in the back. Of course, you get the hint immediately that Johnny and Kristen are going to be the main stars in this film as they sit up front while Ali, Billy, and Darren sit in the back. Of course, when Johnny allows Darren to touch his bicep muscle, Billy has a line to tease our nerd.

Billy: Hey Darren…..I Got A Muscle You Can Touch.

He laughs afterwards and of course, unless you were born yesterday, you would know which muscle he is talking about. And if you were born yesterday, I better not tell you which muscle he is talking about.

Anyways, as they drive off we meet a hermit in the woods with his dog.

Lassie?

No it is not Lassie, but instead the dog’s name is Flashie. We also meet our hermit.


Yep, By His Looks....You Can Definately Tell That Is General Bastard.


He tells his dog….Flashie…not to go too far off. We then go back to our main characters as Billy tries to turn off the radio. Johnny mentions to Billy that he obviously hasn’t taken a bath as he stinks. Darren decides that since it is Thanksgiving, he would ask everyone what they are thankful for. Billy immediately has a remark for the question.


Billy: I’m thankful that your mom has the juiciest poon in town.


Everyone laughs while Ali doesn’t even know what poon is. Kristen then tells everyone that they are so rude and she says that she is thankful to be spending time with everyone in the car. She is also glad that they are in good health. Billy tries to point out her response is gay, but Johnny says that that her response is not gay. He also says that spending time with your family is one of the most important things in life. I can drink to that, Johnny.


Of course, Johnny then reminisces about his father, who taught him how to throw the football. He then mentions that his dad and him don’t speak too much anymore. Kristen asks Billy what he is thankful for, and responds that since his daddy died, he is thankful that his mom is still alive. He then also says that he going to show his mom a good time this Thanksgiving. After that, Darren decides to go into a monologue about how he is going to go wild on this trip. He plans on doing a bunch of dangerous stuff and of course, he mentions that he plans on having sex with one of the people in the car. He also hints that it won’t be just him and his hand anymore as he will be “sexing” someone else this time. Ali then says he isn’t having sex with her as she is a bit of a prude. Everyone of course laughs at her response as Billy mentions that Ali is kind of skanky. She resents that remark and says that there is only one man in her life while asking if that is right to Johnny. Kristen comes back with a line so fucking cold that I must quote her.


Kristen: Oh please, Ali. Your legs are harder to shut than the JonBenet Ramsey case.


Okay, I know that line is in very poor taste and can be offensive to some people. But I have to be honest that I was like everyone else in this movie when she said that line because I was saying “Damn” and laughing my ass off.


Back to the hermit, who leaves his small house and wonders where his dog Flashie is. Of course, Flashie has decided to go a bit far off. Flashie decides that he has finally found the perfect spot to pee.


Oh......I Don't Think Peeing There Is A Good Idea


Oh yes, and if you are wondering the totem is that small because the filmmakers bought it on EBay and expected a big ass totem pole. What they got was that small ass totem so instead of getting another one, they decided to use that one instead. That is actually not that bad idea as beggars can’t be choosers.


Anyway…as the dog is peeing, there is an earthquake and once again our villain rises up from the ground. Of course, being that the dog is peeing on him, he has this to say.


Killer Turkey: Oh Fuck!!! I'm Pissed!!!!

And of course, the turkey decides to gut the dog with his beak.



At Kristen’s house, we find out that her dad is Sheriff Roud and who is greeting his wife, Sheryl. His wife pours a cup of coffee and after he takes a sip, he spits it out and we get this dialogue between the two.


Roud: Goddamn, Sheryl!!! That coffee tastes like shit. What’d you do, take a dump in it?

Sheryl: As a matter of fact….

*shows him a turd in the coffee pot.*

Sheryl: I sure did!!!!

*slams the coffee pot down.*

Sheryl: I want a fucking divorce!!!!

*leaves*


The phone rings and it is Kristen telling her dad that she will be home tonight. Of course, when someone asks Kristen to toss him a beer, Sheriff Roud gets more upset at the fact that they are tossing instead of the fact that it was a beer he asked for. He then says that tossing is illegal. He then asks if she will be able to go to the annual Thanksgiving Ball with him. She says she will and of course, he decides to break the news before hanging up that her stepmom left him. That means this was at least her second mom and of course, like an impactful thing in this movie….it is just treated as “Oh well…”.


It is turning into night and of course, while we never knew where everyone was going, we will never find out because the SUV breaks down in the middle of the woods. Of course, Darren and Ali hurry to get out of the vehicle because apparently, Billy farted and it stinks. The car is overheated and Billy decides they should camp out for the night instead. Everyone agrees and they do just that. Anyway, Ali thinks it’s a flat tire and Johnny just looks at her like she is the world’s biggest idiot. Now I want you to remember that they are in the middle of the woods later because if you do….you might see a major slipup in location.


While they leave to camp out, Darren gets too excited and jumps on Billy’s back. Billy decides to dump Darren to the ground before leaving him there. Of course, there is random junk on the ground including a sign that says….



Crawberg!!!!!



Thankfully, It Is Not Bill Goldberg From An Alternative Universe


Back to the movie, Darren wonders where he has heard that name before and suddenly he knows by showing a freak out face. He then runs and tells the others that they are in Crawberg. When asked what is so important about Crawberg, he tells them the whole back-story….which was animated by the good folks at AmazingSuperPowers.com




He first mentions how 500 years ago, an old Native American by the name of Feather Cloud, who had black magical powers, was dishonored by a pilgrim. Ali interrupts and says that her ex-boyfriend was a pilgrim and of course this animation has something to say about that.



Yep, He Most Certainly Was Not A Pilgrim


Darren continues his story by saying the pilgrim’s name was Chuck Langston. Billy decides to interrupt by saying that is his last name.



Darren responds by saying that he never thought about this before, but Chuck was probably one of his ancestors.




He said Feather Cloud was so angry that he necromanced a turkey.


Darren then says the turkey would roam the earth every 500 years, killing the first humans he came into contact with. Everyone laughs at this while Darren explains that this is a legend and it has been written by many turkeyologists. Everyone laughs again and Billy makes the joke about guessing it has been 505 years since then. Darren says it hasn’t been yet, but it will be 45 minutes from now.

Ali laughs this story off and says that it is totally impossible for a turkey to kill a human. Darren then says that there are ways. Johnny is mad at Darren for trying to scare people and then backs up by saying there are girls here. Darren tries to drink a beer, but Billy knocks it away by saying he didn’t pay for the beer so he gets none. Kristen decides to ask Johnny if he wants to share a tent with her. While Ali tries to get Johnny to go into her tent, Johnny decides to share a tent with Kristen. Of course when she says she has a free spot in her tent, everyone turns their head…except the two who already agreed to share a tent.

Meanwhile, it’s our hermit friend who is still looking for his dog. He finds his dog gutted by the killer turkey. This bit of dialogue happens that continues the quotes I am using from this film.


Killer Turkey: Your dog had an accident.
Hermit: What the hell!! What kind of accident??!!
Killer Turkey: Well, I took this here axe and “axe-identally” cut him. Get it? “Axe-ident”.


Oh Turkey, You Have Such Great Lines. You Remind Me A Lot Of Jack Frost, The Killer Snowman.


The hermit gets mad and tries to shoot the turkey, but the turkey gets away. The hermit then laments the fact that his dog is dead and vows to kill that turkey.


Back at the campfire, the kids decide that it is time to go to bed, but Kristen remembers that she has to call her dad and explain what has happened. She goes to the woods and smoothes things over with her dad, who is worried. However, when she hangs up….she hears noises and she tries to console herself that there is no such thing as a killer turkey.


Kristen: Okay Girl, Get A Grip. There's No Such Thing As An Evil Turkey. There's No Such Thing As An Evil Turkey. There's.....


Killer Turkey: No Such Thing As An Evil Turkey. Oh Wait.....I Lied


Kristen screams and of course her screams piss off the evil turkey who tells her to shut up. While she runs, he says another quotable line.


Killer Turkey: I'm Gonna Drink Your Blood Like Cranberry Sauce.....Meanie


Kristen goes back to the campfire to tell them what happened, but of course no one believes her. She then decides to go into her tent, mad . Suddenly, a bunny comes flying into the air and falls into the fire. Darren looks at the bunny and what happened to the bunny in this piece of dialogue.


Darren: This Little Baby Bunny Got It's Stomach Gnawed Open By A Beak. Not Just Any Beak, A Turkey Beak.


Bobby starts wondering if maybe Kristen was telling the truth, Johnny then calms everyone down by saying that they are in the woods and this type of stuff happens all the time. Johnny then decides to go into Kristen’s tent so he can sleep. Bobby of course sarcastically remarks that with gutted animals and demonic turkeys, it’s now a good idea to go to bed. Johnny of course comes out of the tent for a minute to flip Bobby the bird. Darren then decides that after one beer, he is going to bed as well. That leaves Bobby and Ali alone. Bobby tries to hit on Ali, but she decides she would rather sleep in the tent with the nerd instead. So since Bobby has a sleeping bag, he sleeps outside.

The next day, Bobby wakes up to find the hermit looking at him. When Bobby asks who he is, the hermit just says that he may have just saved his life as the turkey tried to kill him. When Bobby tells the hermit that he is crazy, the hermit reveals that the turkey took a crap on Bobby’s chest.


Of Course, The Filmmakers In Commentary Reveal That Those Are Actually Marshmallows With Brown Spray-Paint

Bobby then freaks out as everyone else wakes up. They all ask who the guy is as well and all the hermit gives is a warning to leave the woods and then he leaves as well. Johnny fixes the car and now they are on their way back home. Now remember when I said remember that scene with the SUV parked in the woods?


Well Now....It's Parked By A Prairie.

Billy then starts to talk about how he now believes that there is an evil turkey because he found turkey crap on him. Ali then also starts to believe him and Darren regrets telling them the story now. Johnny then says everyone should drop it so they can go back to their families and have a nice Thanksgiving Day Break.

We then hear an old public archives song while the turkey tries hitch-hiking. A guy comes along and offers a ride. Oh yes, this guy doesn’t realize he is talking to a killer turkey, so he asks a question only a perverted pick-up guy asks.




Driver: Ass, Gas, Or Grass?

The turkey guesses ass since he has no grass and shows the driver his ass. The driver talks about how it’s a tight ass and he gets ready to have sex with the turkey. The turkey decides that is not going to happen and pulls out a shotgun from his feathers.


Who Knew This Turkey's Feathers Was Similar To Captain Caveman's Beard?


The driver begs for his life and reveals he has a daughter. The turkey then tells him to call his daughter. The driver does that and while telling his daughter that he loves her,


The Turkey Blows The Guy's Head Off In CGI Fashion


Of course, this shot does alert at least someone….


The Sheep


But of course,




The Sheep Just Say "Whatever" And Continue Their Eating Of Grass


The turkey gets on the steering wheel and drives away.


Johnny drives everyone home before he goes to meet his parents. Oh almost forgot, because of delirium (that’s the filmmakers story), they say the same JonBenet Ramsey line again as Ali leaves and like before everyone laughs. This time I will be honest, I did not laugh.




Johnny originally has misgivings in talking to his dad because they haven’t been close of lately, but the mother wants to give it another try. They try, but the father farts for no reason and leaves in a huff. Johnny then decides that he is just going to lie to make things better, despite his mother’s protests. In the backyard and on the porch, Johnny lies to his dad and says he got the starting quarterback position back. This of course makes his dad proud, but before they can hug….


The Turkey Crashes The Party


This scares Johnny and all he can do now is watch his father get his head taken off by a common hunting knife.



Then the turkey grabs the dad’s head and tells Johnny to go deep as he throws dad’s head to his son (yes, we get more CGI Blood while the head flies).

And of course, to top that all off…
The Turkey Smoking A Cigar

Johnny then tries to go check on his mother, but…

Mom Got Her Eyes Pecked Out

Now I have to stop here because I have to ask. Why is the mother still standing when she is clearly dead. There is nothing to hang her with to keep her in that position. So why couldn’t you fix something so simple. Well, we won’t know because they never told us why?

Anyway, the next scene is Johnny in his car lamenting the fact that the killer turkey killed his parents.

Meanwhile, Ali has decided to have sex with some random guy (who just so happened to be the director of this film). Oh course, these two people decide to have sex with most of their clothes on. However, the fun begins as the turkey is seeing this and he has his own comment on all of this.

Mmmmm.....Pink Pumpkin Pie

Meanwhile, Johnny reveals to the others (except Ali who is screwing the director) that the killer turkey is real and it killed his parents. They decide since Ali isn’t returning calls, to warn her about the killer turkey. The turkey has other ideas as he kills the guy Ali is having sex with.

Being that Ali is a moron, she just believes that the guy already came on her. However, the turkey decides to have sex with Ali without her knowledge.

Well Since We Had A Snowman Rape A Woman, Why Not Have A Turkey Do The Same

The turkey then cums in Ali and when she turns around, the turkey has a funny remark to make towards her.


Killer Turkey: You Just Got Stuffed!!!!

Ali screams as the turkey makes quick work out of her by snapping her neck.

The others get to Ali’s house, but they are too late as Johnny says she is dead. But before that the filmmakers decide that if they did the JonBenet Ramsey line twice, they should do it a third time. But this time, Darren says it….and nobody laughs. Johnny comes back out and gives everyone the bad news that Ali is dead. He shows that he found a feather and a…..Johnny, if you please?



Johnny: An Extra Small.....Gravy Flavored Condom???

Yes folks……even the killer turkey knows to wrap it up and have safe casual sex. Billy is made because the turkey cock-blocked him and Ali was starting to warm up to him. Everyone of course then looks at Darren, who basically says how would he know how to kill the turkey. I do like the dialogue to that scene.

Darren: I mean hell, he’s survived everything we’ve thrown at him.
Johnny: No!!!! We haven’t done anything to stop him yet!!!!
Darren: Oh yeah…….

He does though mention that there may be a way to kill him in the book. Darren reasons that they go to the library, but that won’t work because the libraries are closed at this time of night. Then Kristen comes up with the idea that since her dad has a ton of books in his garage, she is sure he has something on how to stop this turkey so they decide to go to Kristen’s house. I could give various reasons as to how there is no way you can know he has this book, but hell…..I threw my brain out the window a long time ago during this movie.

Back at her house, Sheriff Roud comes into his kitchen looking at his mail. Most of them are bills, but then he remembers he won so contest so he goes to get dressed. There is a ring at the door so the sheriff answers….


Of course we then see it is the turkey in a human Groucho Marx mask, but all the while….you have to feel that this is what is going through the turkey’s mind.


What The Fuck???

Basically the turkey introduces himself as a friend of Kristen. Of course, he doesn’t even remember her name so the sheriff says it and the turkey says her. The sheriff then says that he didn’t know Kristen had a midget for a friend and of course, the turkey has the look of “You have got to be kidding me”. So of course….


They Are Sipping Coffee

Apparently, the sheriff actually made coffee this time as there is no talk about the coffee tasting like shit. The turkey sneezes, but says that it is allergy season and he curses the weather. The sheriff takes offense to this because he wonders if this person (or who he believes is a person) should be saying the word “fucking”. The turkey reveals that he is 510 years old and the sheriff believes that is an okay age to say that word. Of course there is a question about it being hazelnut coffee and the sheriff confirms that it is. The turkey then comes out and says what all of us are thinking.


Killer Turkey: Well, I'm Not Gonna To You, Sheriff. This Is Pretty Damn Awkward.

The turkey then says that he is going to take off now and tells the sheriff to say hi to Kristen for him. The sheriff says that he will and he says that he is a big proponent of midgets as he thinks they have been treated wrong. The turkey then tries to quietly say…

Killer Turkey: One more word and I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!

The sheriff kind of hears and asks the turkey to repeat himself, but the turkey says he said nothing. The turkey then goes to leave, but the sheriff mentions that the turkey is an odd little duck. The turkey stops and gets pissed by saying he has had enough before we hear the screams of the sheriff signifying the turkey just killed his ass.

The surviving kids get to Kristen’s house where they are greeted by….



The Killer Turkey In A Small Made Of Sheriff Roud's Face.

Oh not only is this the turkey’s plan on how to fool everyone, it works. Originally Kristen questions that her father looks kind of different. But is it the size of her father? No. Is it the fact that he has a turkey body? No. Is it the fact that his face has a bunch of stitches? No. Then what is it that Kristen realizes is different about her dad?


He's Got A Haircut

Basically the turkey continues to play this game by saying that yes he did get a haircut. Everyone else buys that it is her dad. Even when he doesn’t even know where the garage is, they just assume it is his rapidly fading memory. They all come in and yes, they still believe they are speaking to Sheriff Roud. Even Inspector Gadget would have figured out this wasn’t her father.



And That Is Saying Something Because If It Wasn't For His Niece, Penny And Her Dog, Brain; Dr. Claw And M.A.D. Would Have Ruled The World On About Every Episode Of That Cartoon.

They head to the garage where she thanks her “dad” and says if it wasn’t for him, she would die. The turkey once again tries to quietly say that it is more like, she will die if it was for him. Everyone of course hears this, but the turkey is able to back out of this gaffe by saying he said nothing. So the turkey leaves and they close the door to conduct….



A Montage Of Reading!!!

Now this montage does play the theme music from this movie (more on that later), I really do think that this would have fit better…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6j8EiWIVZs

What you expected the montage song by the South Park guys? Oh hell no…..not every movie needs that song. But with what they are doing, the song I suggested would have fit perfectly. And yes, I do know that in 1999, they changed the fucking theme song to that song and as you can guess, I think the new version blows. Actually, I think if I talked about the new theme song, I would be yelling throughout this whole thing so let’s move on.

Finally they find the book they are looking for and…


Wow.....

Seriously, that is not a book, it’s a fucking pamphlet. They reveal that the turkey can be killed if they remove his magical talisman and if they can’t see it, it is probably hidden in his plumage.

Why Am I Mentioning This Movie? No Reason Whatsoever As I Am Just Fucking With You All

Johnny wonders if that is all it takes to kill him, but Kristen mentions that it is probably not all and they have to actually kill him. When asking Darren how they do that, Darren reveals that the problem is the solution is written in code and it will take him some time to figure out. Billy is mad and hungry so they send him to the kitchen so he can get something to eat. Billy goes out and they finally realize that the turkey is the sheriff because…

He Failed To Hide The Body In Time

Sadly, that is what it took for them to realize that the sheriff they were talking to was the actual turkey. The turkey finally unmasks and gloats about how the kids are retarded. Kristen is devastated that her father is dead while Darren wonders why he won’t leave them alone. The turkey then reveals that a long time ago, one of their ancestors disrespected his people (the Native Americans) really bad. So as payback, the turkey is there to kill every white person that disrespects Native Americans or their land. Of course instead of mentioning that Ali was not white, they say that they did give the Native Americans land and casinos and doesn’t that make up for what their ancestors did. The turkey laughs and says that it almost did, but not quite.

The turkey of course wasted all this time and Billy finally decides to put the turkey in a headlock. They take the talisman off and ask Darren if he solved the code yet. Darren says he hasn’t yet and the turkey is able to run away. Billy then decides to leave and head home. Darren goes somewhere else to figure out the equation while Johnny and Kristen console each other over the loss of their parents. The two almost kiss when Darren comes in and reveals he has solved the code. The code says that the turkey must be killed by being burned at the stake, but before that they must all chant demonic prayer in unison backwards. Darren reveals that you need to look for the turkey in his teepee, but if he isn’t there…..that means he is killing one of your friends. They reveal that Billy is in danger and go look for him.

Billy is seen walking on the sidewalk and the turkey is nearby. Billy is so hungry that in his hunger he has a really bad hallucination that the killer turkey is actually a roasted turkey. And when I say bad…..


I Mean The Hallucinations Are So...Fake

I mean even when Billy eats the damn thing, it looks so fake.

Okay…..Comic Book Guy, you can say it.


Worst Hallucination.....Ever

Billy feels good, but of course that doesn’t last long.

Basically, the turkey uses his shotgun (funny how the guy was able to swallow all of this) and blows the guy’s stomach open. The turkey throws the shotgun out and puts his head out. He looks at Billy and says the following line that has been used as the tag line for the movie.

Killer Turkey: Gobble Gobble.....Mother Fucker

The turkey laughs as Billy falls dead. He also has this line to say.

Killer Turkey: Now That's What I Call "Fowl Play"

Kristen, Johnny, and Darren drive to find Billy, but they find him dead on the side of the road. The nerd gets out of the car and tries to help Billy and is really emotional about Billy dying. Darren cries as he reminisces the good times he had with Billy and in fact we get a montage for their friendship with a really funny song.

We then transition to Darren in the backseat looking back at Billy while Kristen and Johnny drive away.

Meanwhile in his teepee, the turkey is tossing a salad.

No, You Sick Freaks.....I Mean This Kind Of Tossing A Salad. Not The Sexual Term!!

Kristen, Johnny, and Darren find the teepee and make their plans to attack the turkey. The plan is that Kristen and Johnny distract the turkey so Darren can tie him up with the string they found in the SUV. They enter the tent and of course….you can realize the ridiculous nature of this tent.


Look At This Teepee....It Is Barely Small Enough To Fit One Turkey. How Is This Teepee Going To Be Able To Fit Three People And A Turkey?


Through The Magic Of Editing

And as you can see through that last pic, their plan works as Darren is able to tie the turkey up. They chant their demonic chant backwards and the turkey once again becomes vulnerable. Yep….you need to take the talisman and do the demonic chant backwards before you can even kill the turkey. They talk about burning the turkey alive, but the turkey makes a run for it. Of course as soon as he gets out of the teepee, that damn hermit is waiting with a shotgun.

And the turkey has one thing to say about this predicament

Killer Turkey: Oh Fuck.....

And then the hermit shoots him with a shotgun. The turkey flies all the way into a trash can and he looks pretty dead.


Now a few things I do have to mention here….


About that bandana, well it is supposed to be a makeshift eye patch because the filmmakers never got around to doing that scene, but apparently the turkey pecked out one of the hermit’s eyes out. But anyways back to the movie…

They basically do talk about how he needs to be killed a certain type a way, but by looking at the turkey….he looks dead to them as well. Yeah, forget that whole true way to kill him, he’s dead…just look at him.



Wait.....He's Not Dead!!!

Well, they don’t listen and basically the hermit and the kids part ways with the hermit saying maybe they will understand what he went through if they lost their parents or their best friend (not knowing they already lost that). Darren sums up their thoughts with this line.

Darren: Well Guys, We Just Killed The Most Demonic Turkey To Ever Roam The Face Of The Earth. What Now?

They all laugh and they decide to go back to Kristen’s house and watch a movie. And what movie do they decide to watch? But before we get that answer, we get this…


Guys....The Turkey Is Still....Ah Who Cares If These Morons Know

And finally the question everyone has been waiting a few sentences for: what movie are they watching?

Ah Public Archives....Allowing Directors To Use Movies Without Having To Pay Anything

Everyone is watching the movie and the romance comes in where Johnny realizes that he is in love with Kristen. He asks her out and she says yes. The two decide to dry hump off screen while Darren looks on mad that he isn’t getting in on any of the action. Darren decides to leave those two alone as he goes to the bathroom.

Thankfully We Don't Get To See Darren Pee Like We Had To See A Character Do In See No Evil


Darren goes into the kitchen to look for something else to eat, but while in the fridge.



He Gets A Cooking Thermometer In The Ass


Well...I Tried Warning Them The Turkey Was Still Alive, But No One Listens.

The turkey attacks and kills Darren very brutally. How brutally, you ask?'


By Ripping Out His Tongue (That's Actually The Practical Effect Of Making A Latex Condom & Filling It With Blood)



And Pecking His Heart Out


While this is all going on, Billy arrives right near the pearly gates to tell Darren to come with him to heaven. It is actually a good scene for two friends to be able to go to heaven together.




Kristen and Johnny wake up when they think they hear the turkey laugh. Johnny decides to go check on Darren. They do make the joke that the turkey can only still be alive if he fell into some radioactive waste (ironic, isn’t it). When Johnny asks what Darren is doing, the turkey pretends he is Darren by saying the following…


Killer Turkey: I’m in the kitchen..uh..making a turkey sandwich.


Johnny believes this for a second until he sees Darren’s body. Johnny tries to warn Kristen, but…


The Killer Turkey Stabs Him With An Electronic Carving Knife


Johnny screams and Kristen comes in to see Johnny in trouble. Kristen knocks the turkey away and carries Johnny to the garage. There they have a parting farewell as Johnny dies before they can kiss. When the turkey comes in, Kristen burns the turkey using a lighter and a can of aerosol.


Kristen: Roast In Hell, Asshole


Killer Turkey: Oh Fuck......





The turkey tries to go for one last kill while Kristen tries to tend to Johnny, but Kristen sees that he is still alive. She grabs a bat and has one more line for the turkey.

Kristen: Peck on someone your own size…


Kristen hits the turkey who flies into a conveniently placed stake and the turkey is killed.



The turkey vows in some way to return before dying and conveniently a turkey leg flies out of the fire. Kristen takes a big bite out of it while the hermit comes in congratulating her.



Kristen watches over the fire as the movie ends….



Of Course, This Movie Isn't Ending Like That


A family is at Thanksgiving giving thanks while having a Thanksgiving Dinner when suddenly,


Roasted Killer Turkey: Do I Smell A Sequel......Biyatch!!!


Yeah.....Definately Can See A Sequel


Okay Thankskilling 2, You May Have Just Made Monster Crap's Most Anticipated Movies List With This

Anyway, as you can guess it was a cast of nobodies so I won’t have to talk about the aftermaths for their careers….yet. Now if you are wondering what happened to the turkey puppet they used for the movie; well…..as in the movie, they burned the damn thing. Yes, in that scene…..the turkey puppet is burned and destroyed. Basically at this point, there are no extra puppets. The turkey in this movie is gone. Kind of sad really because I’m sure several of us Monster Crap fans would have loved to have found a way to get our hands on that puppet.
I will say the one biggest continuity error in this movie is how old this Thankskilling legend is. On the back of the DVD, it makes you believe it was 300-400 years ago. In the movie, it was 505 years ago. The Turkey says he is 510 years old so this movie is all over the place on this timeline.

Now for my thoughts on this movie. Yes, this movie is bad….but it is bad in an awesome way. It is everything it says it is in being the Ultimate Low Budget Experience. But while clocking in at barely an hour, this movie may have done what past parodies on my show have been able to do in making me love this movie. Now I know my tastes aren’t high to begin with, but given an actual budget…..these two guys Kevin Stewart and Jordan Downey may actually be able to make a really good film. These guys had a really small budget and they were able to do what Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg couldn’t do with their definitively higher budgets…..make a movie that works. The practical effects in this movie are great for the budget they have and I think the guy who did the effects Troy Smith may have a future in this Hollywood horror industry. This may now be my favorite induction I have ever done so thank you…..THANK YOU loyal Monster Crap fans for voting this as co-winner of the 2009 GINO Award.

Now unfortunately I know that New Moon (the other winner) won’t be anywhere as enjoyable as this movie was, but we will be able to wait until June to worry about that. But since Valentine’s Day has passed and yours truly is single…..I will really need a friend right now.

And Sadly, I Will Be Getting A Deadly Friend

2 comments:

  1. Hey Seth,

    Thanks for going into such detail here with regards to ThanksKilling. It was fun to read through all this.

    If you ever have any questions, send us an email: info@thankskillingmovie.com

    Just wanted to say thank you for your support. All the best,

    Jordan Downey

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  2. I am glad that you are able to appreciate the induction. It is refreshing to see a movie that is meant to be awesomely bad succeed in its goal.

    Most movies I have viewed that have tried to be awesomely bad have fallen flat on their asses so when you get one that succeeds in its goals, its a rarity.

    I really do wish you eventually get a bigger budget because you guys could easily replace those big budget buffoons that have plagued the Monster Crap GINO Awards named Seltzer and Friedberg, who suprisingly are given a budget.

    ReplyDelete