Monster Crap Inductee: Anaconda 3: Offspring (2008)

Monster Crap Inductee: Anaconda 3: Offspring

Snakes Hassle The Hoff

2008

Last time, I mentioned Made For SyFy Films being made and I used to do AIM chats where I and some invitees would riff on a few movies that would ultimately lead to the film that premieres on Saturday. This time, we get to talk about one of those films that I and others riffed in Anaconda 3: Offspring.

Now some of you may remember that I inducted the first Anaconda more than a decade ago and you might be wondering why I am not inducting the sequel Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid? Well, the answer is TheDeadRises actually wanted me to do the fourth film which will be done next month, but since this film and the fourth film were shot back to back and for the most part, tell a consecutive story while the second film (other than a few minor mentions), could be on its own, I was able to get him to negotiate it to being both this film and the fourth film.

So let’s talk about how this film became made and how it ended up being a SyFy Original instead of going to theaters like the first two films. Well, Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid was a box office disappointment so when SyFy came asking for the rights to the Anaconda and Lake Placid franchises, Sony was willing to sell it to them. So with the franchise rights to Anaconda in hand, they were able to greenlight a SyFy Original with a third film. They then went to Romania (probably because it’s cheap to shoot there) and shot the film. So we get a cinematographer who wants to direct in Don E. FauntLeRoy (who worked with Victor Salva on Jeepers Creepers and the terrible Jeepers Creepers 2).

As far as cast goes, we need a somewhat name for the headlines and they got one in David Hasselhoff.

David Hasselhoff is an interesting actor in that while he isn’t a Hollywood star, mind you…..he is well versatile in the world of media as he was the star of the hit TV Series Knight Rider (the one who a talking car) and then he had a bigger TV hit when he starred in the long running drama (that people like Allison Pregler have done a series of videos on talking about how much cheesy goodness there was on the show that is still going on) in Baywatch.

Trust Me, If You Were A Boy In Middle School Or High School In The Early To Mid 90s, Chances Are That You Saw An Episode Of Baywatch As It Was Syndicated All Over The Place.

But besides that, he also was a singer who was a star…….in Germany, Austria, and Switzerland. In fact, he made huge news as he was the singer in 1989 at what was left the Berlin Wall for New Year’s Day, two months after it had been torn down. But that was then and this is 2008 and well, things kinda went downhill as his fame was coming down, he had an ugly breakup with his wife, he had that bad video where he was drunk and eating a cheeseburger on the shower floor (shot by his daughter who was scolding him for this behavior and was deliberately released by both he and his daughter as a wake-up call for himself to go to rehab for his alcoholism), and he released an autobiography with a much joked about title of “Don’t Hassel The Hoff”. So for a film like this, it seemed like a good idea.

But they could only get Hasselhoff for one of the two films so we need a connecting good guy and a connecting bad guy. For the connecting heroine, we will get a young up and coming actress in Crystal Allen and for the main villain (although, he would be used sparsely in this film), let’s get Gimli himself, John Rhys-Davies.

A very good character actor who has been in some very good films (like I mentioned, he was Gimli in the Lord Of The Ring film trilogy), but has also had his share of crap that he has been in.

He Was Captain Randolph In Chupacabra Terror As Well As Bouchard In Grizzly II: Revenge (The Frankenfilm That Producers Used Film Footage Shot For A Lost Version Of The Film In 1984 And Added Some New Shit In 2018)

Other past Monster Crap alum are people you never heard of like Banica Gheorghe (who played two guard roles in Bloodrayne) and Bart Sidles (who played Fred in Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes).

And with that out of the way, let’s get to this film.

We begin this film in the forests somewhere (they never say where) as a hunting party led by Stephen Hammett are hunting for the anaconda.

Well, He Is The Group’s Leader Despite Being Third In This Line

And we see the anaconda stalking from above.

The guy in the back is named Peter Reysner and he gets a face full of Anaconda blood spit.

Blood Spit Is A New Ability For These Anacondas That Was Never In The Other Films And No Real Anaconda Does This. This Will Be One Of Two New Things These Creatures Do That Real Anacondas Don’t Do So You Can All Though How Seriously The People Of SyFy Took This Movie And Its Predecessors.

Everyone else starts firing at the creature as Peter runs into a tree as he is blinded by the blood and gets knocked out, missing all the action (even though we don’t really see it with how fast the camera cuts are. He wakes up to see that only Hammet survived.

Hammet Even Asks Peter If He Is Glad That He Came. He Also Says That This Is What Being Rich Looks Like.

Hammet leaves as Peter sees the Anaconda that has been tranquilized and captured.

In All Its Terrible CGI Glory Because Actually Having An Animatronic Anaconda Is Too Expensive For SyFy.

Then we get our opening title card.

We then see a montage woman named Dr. Amanda Hayes jogging and working out, an actual anaconda in a glass reptile tank, and some other science stuff.

We then see a car going to a lab and inside the car is rich boss named Peter “J.D.” Murdoch, his assistant, and a nameless driver.

They are hearing a radio report talks about a leak that says that Murdoch and his lab are doing research that could be considered animal cruelty. Outside the lab, we see a gentleman named Pinkus who is practicing how he is going to greet his boss right up to the handshake.

When they arrive, Pinkus shakes Murdoch’s hand and Murdoch compliments him on his handshake, as he says a handshake says a lot about a man.

By The Way, The Lab Is Part Of Wexel Pharmaceuticals, Which Murdoch Owns. Yep…Another Film Where Pharmaceuticals Creates The Problem, Just Like Mansquito.

Pinkus offers a cup of coffee, but Murdoch doesn’t want any pleasantries as there has been a leak and wants to know what Pinkus is doing to find out who it was. Also, Murdoch pronounces PETA “Pet-A” instead of “Pee-Ta” as most people do. Pinkus tries to say that he can only bring in more security, but that isn’t enough for Murdoch who says this line.

Murdoch: You will do your job! Or the only thing you will be supervising is a proctologist removing my boot from your rectum. Do you understand?

And Looking At These Two Gentleman, I Bet You Murdoch Could Freaking Put His Boot Up His Rectum.

Murdoch then wants to know the status of the project (or “stay-tus” as he pronounces it). Pinkus says they have hit some delays which Murdoch mocking asks why he is not surprised. When Murdoch asks what sort of delays, Pinkus says that Professor Eric Kane will answer his questions. We then see a feed of the female snake and Murdoch makes a joke about it being motionless like his first wife. We then meet Professor Kane.

Sure To Be Less Of A Disappointment Than Mayor Kane

Kane basically tells him that while they have successfully synthesized orchid extract (from Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid where this extract could possibly cure cancer and Alzheimer’s, as well as curing aging). Unfortunately, it has only worked on snakes instead of other animals and especially humans (where it can be lethal to us). Murdoch wants to figure out why it only works on snakes and nothing else, but Kane does not know yet and so far they have reduced the level of toxicity in the extract. He introduces him to a guy who monitors the male anaconda named Darryl.

They then show where the male snake has been kept. We then see the snake as it jump scares Murdoch by lunching from it’s tank.

Amanda finally comes and she wants some upgrades to the lab because they don’t know how long they can hold the dangerous anacondas. Murdoch says that once they give him a marketable product, he will give them all the upgrades they need. As she talks about understaffing and being ill-prepared if something happens before leaving, Murdoch then wonders if the concerns are valid, but Pinkus says they are minor and he really shouldn’t worry about them. We then see Kane talking to Amanda about her attitude and she knows that Murdoch is dying with his eyes dilated, his coughs, and his loss of weight….he is obviously dying and she thinks he has cancer so he wants the formula as quick as possible so he can keep living. Amanda says that despite what good could come out of a drug that can cure cancer and Alzheimer’s, it feels so wrong what they are doing.

Murdoch then gets the brilliant idea of shining a flashlight on the tank which irritates the snake so they try to gas it into sedation. Pinkus tries to say the glass is strong that the snake won’t be able to get out, but all that concerns that Amanda has turned out to be very real as the snake breaks out and kills Darryl.

Now We Add The Other New Abilities For These Anacondas, Which Is To Skewer People With There Tails (Which Real Anacondas Can’t Do With Even Smaller Animals). Also, Darryl, NOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Pinkus and Murdoch lock themselves in as they hope the gas eventually sedates the snake and alarms are hit to say the snake escaped, asking people to evacuate. Kane and Amanda come in wondering what happened and Murdoch tells them “What Do You Think Happened?!!!” The snake tries to get in with the banging, but it stops as everyone thinks the snake has been sedated.  They turn the gas off and Amanda and Kane go to take care of the snake while Pinkus and Murdoch get out of there. Unfortunately, after the two scientists mourn over Darryl’s body, they realize there is no anaconda.  

Darryl Got Fucked Up

We then find out the male anaconda went through the vents and starts killing more people.

Amanda and Kane find more dead people and realized the female anaconda has been let free and escaped.

They think both anacondas have escaped, but the male is still there and kills Kane as Amanda has to run by Kane’s orders as he is dying.

And Biting His Damn Head Off For Good Measure

Amanda hears the snake leaving and mourns over the dead body of Professor Kane.

DECAPITATION!!!!

Outside, Murdoch is mad at Pinkus and asks him how much this is going to cost him to cover up. Murdoch then says he wants this place cleaned. Pinkus says they’ll have the cleanup team here and professional trackers are their way. Murdoch says Pinkus will do what needs to get done, but Pinkus will be with them 24 hours a day hunting the anacondas, which Pinkus does not want to do. Murdoch says that if he doesn’t supervise, he will have the lab test that serum on Pinkus.

The trackers arrive led by Captain Grozny.

Murdoch leaves after telling Pinkus that until he hears good news, Pinkus will have to report to him hourly. Pinkus tells Grozny that he will tell him about the situation. We then go to a place that looks like Romania (instead of the places they try to pass as the United States) and Hammett is trying to sell off some rhino horns he got because of his poaching. He gets money for it and some other goons try to rob him of it at the same bar. While this is happening, he gets a call from Pinkus who wants him for help as Hammett smartly surmised that Pinkus was too much of a dumbass to reinforce the tanks the creatures were in and they escaped. He tells Pinkus he will be there as soon as he can and then pretends Pinkus wants to speak to one of the robbers and uses the distraction to kick the robbers’ asses while other people in the bar don’t really give a shit.

Back outside of the lab, Pinkus tells the mercenary hunters who are there that these creatures are one of a kind and are extremely dangerous. By the way, let’s talk about these other mercenaries besides Captain Grozny, who I already mentioned.

The Black Guy’s Name Is Nick, The Short Haired Woman’s Name Is Sofia, The Guy With The Cowboy Hat Next To Nick Is Named Andrei, The Long Haired Guy Next To Sofia Is Victor And The Guy With Glasses Is Dragosh.

Pinkus once again is an arrogant dumbass as he says he has put trackers on the snakes so they can locate them.

Anyone Who Has Even A Small Amount Of Knowledge About Snakes Or Most Reptiles Knows Why Putting Trackers On Is Only A Short Term Solution That Will Blow Up In Your Face If You Are Too Reliant On It So I Am Not Going To Insult Your Intelligence By Explaining That To You. Just Know This Will Do That And I’ll Tell You When.

Grozny doesn’t care to wait for Hammett and tells his team that they are moving out in 10 minutes with both Pinkus and Amanda coming along. Amanda speaks with Pinkus alone and asks why they didn’t call the government or military for help, which Pinkus says the company is going to handle this on their own and outside help would screw all of them. As the drive begins, Amanda starts having PTSD memories about past deaths aka we need to show these deaths again just in case you forgot. Grozny snaps her out of it and tries to give her a gun, but she refuses. Pinkus says she should just hang with Nick or as he is also nicknamed “The Bazooka” as he was a former regional boxing middleweight champion.

By The Way, You Can Tell They Aren’t Really In A Car Driving Unless You Count Being In A Motionless Prop While The Backdrop Moves “Driving”.

In the other car, we find out that Dragosh doesn’t like snakes. We then go to a farmer where a farmer hears some commotion going on with his goat so he gets his gun out to investigate. He goes outside and finds the goat is gone so he goes into the barn and check. He goes to the second level of the barn, but the floor gives out on him and he is knocked out after a fall. He then wakes up to find the goat is okay, but he isn’t as the female anaconda is eating him.

Yeah, That Farmer Is Dead

They locate one of the anacondas to the farm and think both will be nearby. Dragosh in the barn gets spooked by some chickens and starts shooting, which afterwards gives everyone else a laugh.

Dragosh, We Might As Well Nickname You Chicken

Of course what is not funny is the spit out remains of the goat falling at them.

Yeah, That Goat Was Killed Shortly After The Farmer

Sofia tells them to get over to where she is at and when they do, we all see why the tracker idea is not a good one on most reptiles.

Most Trackers Are In The Skin And Reptiles Shed Their Skin To Get Bigger.

As Grozny is trying to formulate a new plan, he gets skewered by the anaconda tail.

The Anaconda Has A Live One

Everyone that has a gun shoots at the snake, who drops Grozny. Everyone with a gun gives chase while Amanda and Pinkus try to save Grozny, but Grozny dies. Dragosh then gets his head ripped off by the snake.

Nope....Already Used The Decapitation Joke

And Dragosh dead body failing and firing the gun causes one of the cars to blow up.

The remaining mercs chase the anaconda into the woods. While the mercs are in the woods, the snake goes back to the farm and corners Amanda as Pinkus is too much of a coward to help.

Luckily for Amanda, she does not end up as an anaconda snack as Hammett comes to save the day.

Hammett’s shots cause the snake to scurry away and then Hammett brings everyone still alive together to talk about the rules for hunting this snake, which is basically shoot everything you have at the snake and aim for the head. He then splits the team in two with Amanda, Victor, and Sofia in one jeep while Nick, Andrei and Pinkus go with Hammett on foot. Pinkus wants to stay put which they accept because he is so useless.

In the jeep, one of the anacondas attacks the jeep and spits blood into Victor’s eyes.

They try to get away, but they crash and Victor dies.

Oh And Some Random Crew Member Is In The Background. This Is Not One Of The Characters And This Guy Is Not Supposed To Be Here, But He Is And The Filmmakers Did Not Notice Or Care To Do Another Take.

Sofia (who was driving) is thrown out of the jeep, which breaks her leg, and she gets eaten by the anaconda.

The anaconda then corners Amanda again and the car starts to catch on fire so Amanda may have two choices of stay in the car and burn alive or get out of the car and be a snack for the anaconda. She decides to take her chances out of the car and the snake gives chase. She trips and gets mud on her during the fall.

She is cornered into a tree, but Hammett comes to save the day by shooting the snake again.

Sorry…..Only One Time Per Induction Can I Use The “Mighty Mouse” Theme Song Or I’m Just Beating Up A Dead Horse.

He takes her to Nick and Andrei to where she cleans up.

And I Guess They Have A Washing Machine Too Because That Shirt She Had On Is All White. I Guess We Should Never Underestimate The Power Of Tide Detergent.

She once again gets PTSD flashbacks about deaths from the past, including the death of Darryl, which she never saw how it happened. She gets out and sees Hammett and Pinkus talking about something, but they don’t want to tell her about what they talking about. This brings huge concern for her that something isn’t right and she wants to call the army. Pinkus then talks to Nick and Andrei and says that Amanda is hiding something. They then all confront Amanda and we find out Amanda did hide the fact that the lab altered its DNA so because of the drugs and altered DNA, the tail can skewer people. Amanda also reveals that the female anaconda is also pregnant. Nick now wants to call the military, but Hammett says he shot one of the anacondas with a tracker so he knows exactly where they are. Take it away, villain from Far Cry 3.

Hammett also says the military won’t be here in time which is probably a better argument than “I can find it because I put a tracker on it, despite the fact we already saw why the tracking idea fails on a reptile.” That night, Hammett and Amanda talk over coffee and basically somewhat have a passive verbal dick measuring contest. We then go to the next day and found the tracker leading to the old industrial park. Amanda is the one who stays behind while everyone else goes into the woods to get the anaconda. They walk around the abandoned industrial park and after firing, find the remains of Sofia that were spit out.

Oh And The Tracker Was In Sofia’s Body So They Once Again Don’t Know Where This Snake Is.

Then Pinkus gets impaled by the snake tail.

They hear Pinkus’ screams and run over to find him dying. The anacondas then pass Amanda and they decide to leave Pinkus to die. The three meet up with Amanda and chase the snakes, only to find they went into the water.

Yeah, Anacondas Are Good Swimmers And Hey, There Is A Town Nearby.

Amanda also reveal that if the female anaconda only goes to an area with an abundant food source if they are about to lay eggs so she is ready and they are heading to town. Nick definitely wants to call the military and Hammett acquiesces as he calls them, although we only hear him on the radio. By the way, Hammett calls a “Major Reysner” and if you paid attention in the beginning, the guy he saved before the credits had the last name of Reysner so that call was not on the up and up. They then continue to hunt the snakes as Hammett plans on getting a new pair of snake skin boots in the morning. We then see a kid playing with a boat and when he goes to his mom, who called for him, he sees two giant snakes passing by behind his mom.

Yeah, Kid…..Better Not Inform Your Mom As She Will Never Believe You.

Hammett and Andrei eventually see a snake path and radio Nick and Amanda in a van, hoping to intersect with them at a certain point, but Amanda changes course as she believes they are heading elsewhere because she believes the anacondas will be nesting at a nearby abandoned factory. Hammett and Andrei stop on their way to the planned rendezvous as the snake path stops which means they went up the trees and a big tree branch nearly falls on Andrei.

Unfortunately, the near death experience did destroy the radio Hammett and Andrei were using to call Nick and Amanda. They then find blood tracks so they follow that. Nick and Amanda arrive at the abandoned factory. Nick and Amanda enter the factory and after a few minutes of searching, they find the male anaconda, but that’s because the male anaconda grabbed Nick.

Amanda tries to shoot the snake, but there isn’t much she can do with her gun and trying not to shoot Nick as well. As the male anaconda squeezes the life out of Nick, Nick reveals that he has a grenade and is going to sacrifice himself. Nick tells her to run which she does as Nick and the male anaconda explode together, killing both of them.

Hammett and Andrei see the explosion and head right to the factory. Hammett gets on the phone and radios whoever about where they are. Then we go to Murdoch who is in his mansion as he gets a call from Reysner and makes him call him on the other line because this line may be monitored by authorities, which is a burner phone. Reysner tells Murdoch on the burner phone that everything is going as planned.

We go back to the abandoned factory as Hammett and Andrei meet up with Amanda and find out that Nick is dead as well as the male anaconda. Andrei gets out some C4 and plans to blow up the whole factory to end this, but Hammett shoots him, revealing his heel turn.

He points the gun at Amanda and reveals that he is getting a lot of money to keep the female anaconda and her newborn babies alive so they can sell them. He also reveals that there is no military coming to the rescue although we should have known that because he called “Major Reysner”, who we remember from earlier although it might have been so long ago that some of you might have forgotten when that name was mentioned on the radio because he was such a minor character in the beginning scene to introduce Hammett. Amanda asks why she doesn’t just shoot him and Hammett explains that he wants her to come work for him, and if she doesn’t….he’ll feed her to the snake. Amanda says she’ll take the deal, but then immediately knees him in the balls.

Yeah, That’s Gonna Hurt

There is then a short fight scene between the two, which ends with Amanda stabbing Hammett.

Hammett goes down, but is not dead yet. Amanda then reveals the C4 that Andrei brought and puts it on the timer, giving a Hammett only a small chance to stop it before it blows up the entire factory.

She leaves as Hammett tries to crawl to stop the bomb and the female anaconda is right behind Hammett as well (she wants a Hasselhoff sandwich) . Amanda gets out of the factory as neither Hammett nor the female anaconda get to it in time and the factory blows up.

COOL GIRLS ALSO DON’T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS!!!!

She drives into her truck and we get a fake fadeout to say the movie is over, but it isn’t as Reysner shows up and gets one of the baby anacondas that survived.

He leaves in his jeep (telling Murdoch that he has a snake and will begin research immediately) and passes Amanda who is burning papers of the research she was doing with the anacondas.

And With Obvious Knowledge This Story Isn’t Over, That Is Where The Movie Ends.

So since this is a SyFy Original, we don’t know how well this movie did and there is no point in bothering since Anaconda 3 and Anacondas: Trail of Blood were shot back to back, so a fourth one is definitely coming.

It’s Not Like They Were Going To Be A Dumbass And Pull A David Zaslav Move In Never Releasing It

No one really did much of anything from this film, although Crystal Allen (who played Amanda), John Rhys-Davies (who played Murdoch), Zoltan Butuc (who played Reysner), and Cristina Teodorescu (who played Murdoch’s assistant) returned for Anacondas: Trail Of Blood, which was also directed by Don E. FauntLeRoy. Sadly though, there is a member of the cast of this film that is no longer with us. Serban Celea (who played Professor Kane) passed away in 2020 at the age of 68.

My final thoughts of this film is that it is the typical SyFy Original fare where you aren’t going to be bored by what you watch (in fact if you riff on it, you might have a fun time like several others and I did when we did that AIM chat in 2008), but it is nothing you will either truly remember or call a good movie. It had bad effects, an insane story, some minor film gaffes, and unmemorable acting. But hey, that is what SyFy movies were for and sadly until the Sharktopus and Sharknado films, they wouldn’t truly understand and when the Sharknado stuff ended, they killed the whole freaking SyFy Original Movies thing because they cared more about the TV shows they had.

Now I don’t even have to try and play games with what the last movie in this Summer of TheDeadRises is because I already basically gave it away at the beginning. Anaconda 3 was shot back to back with Anacondas: Trail of Blood.

And That Is Exactly What The Final Induction Of This Summer Will Be.