Monster
Crap: The League Of Extraordinary Gentleman
More
Like A League Of Uninteresting Boors
2003
It’s time to talk about Alan Moore.
He is
probably one of the most creative comic book writers of all time, well known
for many stories like The Watchmen, V For Vendetta, Batman: The Killing Joke,
and a good run with Swamp Thing. And as you can see from the look of Alan
Moore, it might also surprise no one that Alan Moore is a bit of a psychopath,
believing in a serpent god and calling himself an anarchist. In 1999, he had a
working relationship with DC Comics and decided he wanted to create his own
“Justice League”. So he decided to bring to team a bunch of literary characters
and have them form a team that would deal with scenarios mostly in older days.
In
2003, 20th Century Fox got the rights to the series to make into a
film and immediately had to make some changes. You see, there would be no
Campion Bond (grandfather of James Bond) because Eon Productions owned the
rights to James Bond and even suggesting this guy is his granddad might cause
an unwinnable lawsuit. You also have to turn The Invisible Man into An
Invisible Man because Universal had the rights to that name. They also had to
drop the Fu Manchu character that was a villain in the book because that is an
extremely racist character (also was not in public domain yet so had to be
called The Doctor in the books). They also decided that 5 of the original crew
was enough so they dumped Orlando/Roland, Thomas Carnacki, AJ Raffles, and Emma
Night (although that last one might be due to the fact that Warner Bros. owned
the film rights to The Avengers (the British TV series) so not much you can do
there). Instead of those characters, they decided that they can add characters
that were not on the original team like Dorian Grey (who was in a past team,
but not on this team) and another we will reveal later because it is so stupid.
So
enter in Sean Connery, a great actor.
Sean
Connery was offered the role of Allan Quartermain and he probably would have
turned it down, but he turned down two roles in the past that he ended up
regretting because he would have made a shit ton of money in being The
Architect in The Matrix Reloaded (although I personally have no problem with
him skipping that as that film sucked) and Gandalf in The Lord Of The Rings
trilogy (yeah, can’t defend that one. That was just a big mistake). So when an
opportunity to be in another big franchise attempt came calling, he took the
chance no questions asked. With that big name in the cast, we have to make
another change from the book as in the book, Mina Murray aka Mina Harker was
the leader of the group. With Sean Connery, Allan Quartermain is now the leader
of the group.
Then
they had to hire the director and this option is easy if he was available
(which he was) in hiring the director of the film behind the boom in making
comic book movies and if you were going to say Sam Raimi with Spiderman, you
would be incorrect as someone else made a very successful comic book movie
before Spiderman (that was not Batman or Superman).
Yep,
Stephen Norrington Directed Blade In 1998, Which Was A Monster Hit
Now we
can hire the rest of the cast. For Captain Nemo, let’s hire a seasoned
Bollywood actor in Naseeruddin Shah since Nemo in the books was also Indian.
For Mina Harker (no Mina Murray at all), let’s hire Peta Wilson and if you were
a wrestling fan back in the 90s watching WWF Raw, you might have seen a
commercial for a show she was on called La Femme Nikita.
For An
Invisible Man, let’s hire an actor who was in Blade II (a film Norrington
passed on directing) in Tony Curran. For Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, let’s hire an
actor who was in a film also based on a Alan Moore graphic novel From Hell in
Jason Flemyng.
For M,
let’s hire Richard Roxburgh who was the villain known as The Duke in Moulin
Rouge. For our new characters, they need someone young looking to play Dorian
Gray and heck, someone liked the guy playing Lestat in The Queen Of The Damned
(which was terrible) so they got Stuart Townsend in hopes he does better here.
And now we have to talk about Shane West playing the newest character to this
series…..Tom Sawyer.
Yes,
you read that right. This film decided to add a public domain character who was
NEVER in any incarnation of The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen in Tom
Sawyer. I would say Tom Sawyer was never an adult in any of the books and most
of you would probably agree with me, but for the few who know I am wrong,
yes….he was an adult in the lesser known Mark Twain book Tom Sawyer: Detective.
But you might be wondering why on God’s Green Earth they would add a character
who was not in any incarnation of The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Well,
the answer was quite simple and quite stupid. You see, there are so many
characters that were based on English literary characters that some chucklehead
higher up decided we needed an American character for our American audiences
for this film to be a success. This is truly the definition of insulting your
audience.
I
Should Also Mention That Shane West Was The Cameraman Who Dracula Killed In
Dracula 2000.
We have
another Monster Crap alumni in Pavel Bezdek (who was Bass in Alien vs.
Predator).
And
with that out of the way, let’s get to this induction.
We
begin this movie in 1899 in a factory part of London and we get some text drop.
Rumbling
starts happening and this is noticed by a cop in the alleys. Another cop comes
by blowing a whistle and making noise saying something is going down. We then
get a title card as well as some dogs running away.
The
cops wonder what the dogs are wondering from when an armored tank shows up.
They
try to tell the vehicle to stop, but it doesn’t and one cop is run over dead as
others get out of the way.
The
cops try banging on it with their clubs which they know won’t work, but they
don’t know really how to stop this thing. It breaks through the entrance of the
Bank of England which surprises the security guards there. They of course try
shooting the thing since the security guards have actual guns, but those do not
work either. The armored tank runs through desks and files before stopping in
front of the vault. It eventually shoots the vault doors to open it.
Men who
are speaking German come out and they are leaded by someone who we do not see. They
steal some gold as well as Leonardo De Vinci’s blueprints of Venice’s
foundations.
The
newspapers show up saying that the British are blaming the German Army for this
theft since they were in German garb and were speaking German, but the Germans
say it was not them.
Then in
Berlin…
Thank
You, Movie
Guys in
English army garb kidnap some scientists.
One of
the scientists asks the leader what he wants and we see from the eyeholes that
the leader is masked as the leader says he wants the world. He then shoots
zeppelins which explode since they are filled with hydrogen gas.
With
that attack, the newspapers reveal that Germany is blaming England for the
attack and England is saying it wasn’t us, all the while they may be on the
brink of war.
We then
go to Kenya.
Thanks Again, Movie.
There
we meet Sanderson Reed, who goes to meet with Allan Quartermain, who is
enjoying retirement at an English longue. He is
at first met with a gentleman who pretends to be Allan Quartermain before we
find out this individual was Nigel and the real Allan Quartermain was hiding in
the dark.
Hi
David Hemmings….Thankfully Having To Do Less This Time Than Witnessing A Murder
(Blow Out & Deep Red), Having The Awkward Name Of Dildano (Barbarella), Or
Having To Be Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde In A 1980 TV Movie, That Last One
Probably Is Why He Is In This Film As Nigel The Decoy.
Anyway,
a few things different from the book here. One is that Allan Quartermain was
not the first member recruited to the team, he was the third (Mina Murray aka
Mina Harker was the first). Another was that he was found in Egypt wasting away
in an opium den before he is detoxed in the Nautilus. But of course Sean
Connery wasn’t going to be second or third fiddle to anyone nor was he going to
be trying to die in an opium den so this new scene is made and since he is the
first recruited, Mina Harker isn’t even here since we aren’t introduced to her
yet.
Anyway,
Sanderson tells the actual Quartermain that England needs him since it is on
the brink of a World War (which would have been a lot earlier than when it did
happen). He also needs Quartermain to recruit unique men to combat this threat
that is framing both Germany and England for crimes neither committed. Allan
doesn’t seem to be interested in going back into action as he is sad for all
the people that have died from his exploits and he isn’t the man he once was. Of
course that all changes when some guys try to kill them both (actually killing
Nigel), but Allan shows his skills and kills them.
Most Of
Which He Could Not Have Done In An Opium-Infused State, Although He Did Kill
One Of The Two Egyptian Criminals Who Tried To Rape Mina Harker In The Book
Just To Show He Had Some Skill Even In Such A State.
Highlight
Of Killing This One By Impaling Him With A Rhino Horn And Then Saying “Rule
Britannia”, Which I’m Sure Is Extra Hilarious When You Remember That Sean
Connery Is Scottish And I Don’t Know If Many Scots Would Actually Be Caught
Dead Saying Those Words
One
tries to run away, but Allan shoots him from a distance.
Quartermain
left that one he shot at the end alive so they can interrogate him, but he
takes a cyanide pill and dies.
Then
the longue goes kaboom.
With
all that done, Allan decides he will accept the mission. But before we leave
Kenya, Allan looks at the graves of all his friends that passed away. One of
those graves says Quartermain and I had to look it up and I can say that grave
probably has to be Harry Quartermain’s (his son who died of smallpox). Basically
in the books, Allan outlived both his two wives and his son so you just know
that is killing the man inside.
A
Little Easter Egg For Those Who Haven’t Read The Books, But This Film Will Say
Differently About How His Son Died.
Allan
goes back to London and heads to an underground library where he meets M.
M tells
Allan that he has been recruited to this iteration of the League Of
Extraordinary Gentlemen (something that was never said in the books) and that
there were past iterations of this group for when the world needs this team. We
then meet the second member of this team in Captain Nemo.
I Swear
If I Hear Any Jokes About The Pixar Fish, I Throw You Out To Sea
M says
there have been attacks on both England and Germany using advanced weaponry and
the group that is doing this is being lead by a man called the Fantom.
It’s
The Same Masked Man From Before
Allan
wonders what is in it for the Fantom to do this and M says it is profit since
the advanced weaponry are his creations which he intends to sell to the highest
bidder once a war commences. There is a last chance to avoid war with all of
Europe’s leaders meeting in secret in Venice and M thinks the Fantom will
attack this meeting. M wants this team which will have 6 members and be lead by
Allan to stop the Fantom from succeeding. M gives him 4 days to assemble this
team and get to Venice. Allan says this is impossible, but Nemo says that they
should let him worry about getting them there in enough time.
M says
a member is late who is a chemist (the photo shows that it is Mina) and then we
here a voice asking if they get to blow things up. Allan is curious about this
as he does not see this person who is speaking. We then see papers dropped near
Allan and we know this person is an invisible man. Allan is wondering what is
going on and thinks this may be a game pulled by M. M then explains that a
talented yet misguided man of science discovered a formula to turn himself
invisible yet went mad. Allan seems to remember this and believes that man
died. This mysterious voice confirms the man did die, but his formula did not
and it was stolen by him. The mysterious voice plays around with Allan who doesn’t
appreciate it before putting on his coat and some cream, then revealing himself
to be a thief named Rodney Skinner.
I once
again have to go back to the books and reveal that The Invisible Man in the
book was the guy who was said to be dead, having faked his death. The
filmmakers decided that his death should actually exist because he died in the
books, which is bogus because certain people in the other books like Allan
Quartermain, Captain Nemo, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, and Dorian Grey (the last
two we haven’t met yet) all died in their respective books so why make the
exception for The Invisible Man. I think it has more to do with The Invisible
Man in the book this film was based off of being an irredeemable bastard who
when they found him, it was at religious school where girls were getting
supposedly impregnated by the Holy Spirit and well, let’s just say it was not
the Holy Spirit raping these girls. Since this is film is based somewhat on the
first volume of The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen books, that Invisible Man
does not die when I’m sure people watching this film would want him to fucking
die for raping underage girls. But they also had to change the person who was
the second Invisible Man because well, they didn’t want to get sued (which will
be hilarious later).
Rodney
reveals that he was caught and faced the dilemma of trying to reverse the
process to be visible again, with him being here as M says they have the
antidote but he has to be a good boy to get it. We then finally meet Mina
Harker.
Allan
wanted her husband and finds it ludicrous that Mrs. Harker would be joining
them, but Mina says her husband has been dead (which is not what happened in
the book as her and Jonathan were divorced in the book). M says they still have
two more men to recruit and sends them on their way. When they leave, they are
met by a driver who works for Captain Nemo and the automobile which shocks the
rest although he explains it is the future.
Oh and
the driver is a sailor from the book Moby Dick as he tells them to call him
Ishmael.
He’s
Also Nemo’s First Mate.
They
drive off as someone watches. While in the car, Allan Quartermain kind of gets
into a bit of a sexist argument with Mina Harker, seeing her as unworthy for
this mission. They then head to the East London Docks and Allan introduces
everyone to a person he knows named Dorian Gray.
Allan
tries to recruit Dorian, but he isn’t interested. That however changes when he talks
with Mina, who apparently he knows and may have had a past relationship with. Dorian
lets them in and as they walk up the stairs, Allan says that he is missing a
picture and Dorian remarks that he is perceptive.
I’m
Showing This Because Of What Is Supposed To Be The Size Of The Missing Picture
Because When You See The Actual Picture, You Will Know That It In No Way Fits
Where It Was Supposed To Be.
In
conversations, Allan reveals that he seems to be indestructible because a witch
doctor did bless him for saving his village by saying the Africa would never
let him die. Nemo wonders what the file says about Dorian that will make him
useful for this mission. Gray says he has experience and Quartermain says the
two of them have met before at a lecture at Eton College. Mina assumes that Quartermain
was the lecturer and Gray was the boy, but to the shock of everyone,
Quartermain reveals Gray was the lecturer and Quartermain was the boy. That of
course makes Gray very, very old yet retains a youthful look. Quartermain hears
something and that something is assassins who have guns on them. The Fantom
then shows up.
The
Fantom reveals that he knows they are there to stop him and he cannot permit
that so he offers them a one time deal to join him. They of course decline his
offer and when he tries to have them killed another masked gunman comes to the
rescue.
The
Fantom escapes as the group takes care of the assassins with their own skills and
we find out Dorian Gray not being able to die as he takes a bunch of bullets
with zero effect on him.
The
masked gunman hero chases the Fantom and the Fantom jumps out a window into the
sea. A gunman takes Mina hostage, but Mina kills him and reveals that besides
being a chemist, she is also a vampire.
Which
Was Not Revealed In The Graphic Novel Until The Second Volume So Not At All
What This Film Was Based Off Of.
The
masked gunman who helped them and was also following them earlier then reveals
himself to be Special Agent Tom Sawyer of the American Secret Service.
I
Already Talked About That Shit About His Character Not Belonging In This Film
As He Wasn’t In The Books And Why He Is Here So I Won’t Repeat Myself.
Dorian
doesn’t want Tom in the group, but Allan lets him in so now the group has 6
members which was all that was required from M so they should be off to Venice,
right? No…Allan then says there is one last member to recruit. So yes, this
film is bad at math to as they only needed six yet they will have seven. They
then ask about Mina and she explains that her, her husband, and a Professor Van
Helsing dealt with a vampire named Dracula and she was bitten. His death was
supposed to end the curse of vampirism on Mina, but alas it did not and
Jonathan had to keep her vampirism at bay until he died. The Nautilus then
arrives.
While
the vessel does look more like a Sword of the Ocean which it was nicknamed in
20,000 Leagues Under The Sea and Mysterious Island, I as I’m sure many others
were kind of disappointed to see this based on how it was shown in the graphic
novel as it had the Giant Squid that was killed in 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea
built onto the sub.
That
Looks Freaking Awesome!!!
They
then head to Paris.
Thanks
For The Third Time, Movie
In
Paris, we see a giant guy running away as he is being chased by the Allan and
Tom.
This Is
Of Course Mr. Hyde
During
the chase, we see that Allan Quartermain has taken Tom Sawyer under his wing
and is trying to help him be a better shot. They catch Mr. Hyde in a net and
drag him into the Nautilus.
The
crew of the Nautilus has a tough time subduing the big pissed off lug. Allan
tells Hyde that he has done terrible things in London which is why he ran to
France, but the queen is willing to give him amnesty if he helps the League in
this mission. Hyde takes him up on that offer. Eventually, Hyde turns back into
Dr. Jekyll.
The
League is set with 7 people and they are told they have three days to get to
Venice as that is when this planned attempt at a peace conference will happen.
Tom finds that there is no way they can do this, but Nemo tells him not to
underestimate him because the Nautilus is freaking fast. The Nautilus sails for
Venice and Tom tries to hit on Mina by saying he is at her service if she needs
any help, but he is rebuffed when Mina asks him how she will need his help
since she is a freaking vampire (although one that can walk in daylight). She
also says that he is sweet and young, which are neither traits that she holds
in high regard. They then go inside as the sub will be going underwater.
Inside,
Nemo reveals the Venice blueprints although all he has are copies since the
originals were stolen at the beginning. Tom surmises that the Fantom will
attack the conference by sea. Allan and Nemo have a conversation about their
collective pasts. Meanwhile, there was an attempt to take them off course and
dust left behind. We go back outside where Allan is teaching Tom more about how
to shoot better and reveals that his issues with England were that he was in a
mission with his son for the country and unfortunately, his son died on that
mission (once again, I would like to remind you his son actually died of
Smallpox). Allan goes back inside and sees Nemo praying to the statue of Kali.
Mina comes in and tells him that’s what that statue is as well as says that it
is the goddess of death (Kali is also the goddess of time, destruction, and
rebirth). Mina wonders if they can trust someone who worships death and Allan
says that he is not the one he is worried about.
Mina
then goes back to her lab and has a conversation with Dorian and reveals that
apparently someone wishes to capture this vessels secrets. Mina then says that
she is surprised that Dorian ultimately joined the League and Dorian explains
that he means to undo the flaws in his character. Dorian reveals his backstory
of that he has a portrait of himself which he stays the same age, but the
portrait gets older. It apparently has been stolen although Dorian says he
can’t look at it himself for if he does, the magic of the painting would be
undone.
Now I
have not read the Portrait of Dorian Gray, but I do know quite a bit of the
cliff notes including the curse that exists with the painting caused by a deal
made by Dorian to the devil that he will never age, but the painting will. However,
there is a bit of a difference in that Dorian can look upon his painting and in
fact has it framed in his house for all including himself to see as it was a
very good portrait that was painted of him. What is the curse part is that
Dorian cannot let the painting be damaged in any way, which he ultimately does
himself by stabbing it and is withered to dust. That actually makes more sense
as to why he would want the portrait back instead of what the film gives us
because if he can’t look at the bloody thing, then why in the blue hell would
he want it back as I would think he would rather keep so far away from that
portrait.
Eventually,
the two start making out and Dr. Jekyll sees them. The Hyde voice in his head
taunts him about this and Jekyll tells it to shut up. The voice keeps taunting
Jekyll, telling him that he wants Mina (he actually has a fondness for Mina in
the books although not a romantic one), but he wants Hyde to be released more. They
are eventually interrupted by Nemo, who tells Jekyll to control himself as he
will not have that evil beast on his ship. Jekyll says that he knows he means
good, but Nemo is not someone to be lecturing someone about their terrible
past. Jekyll considers letting Hyde out in his room, but notices one of the
vials that causes him to turn is missing.
As
Nemo, Allan, and Tom talk about the Fantom’s plan to blow up the foundations of
Venice and sink the whole city, Jekyll comes in and reveals that they may have
a saboteur/mole in their midst. They immediately believe it is Rodney who stole
this formula. They then arrive at Venice.
The sub
sails in the canals of Venice which for a ship like the Nautilus, is freaking
impossible since the canals of Venice are not even close to that deep. Nemo
sees through his periscope that a carnival is going on and surmises that they
really need to find those bombs to stop Venice from sinking. We then see the
crap load of bombs that are under some of the foundations holding Venice from
sinking.
Ishmael
tells Nemo that the ship can go no further so the League get out of the ship as
divers are sent to go into the water to look for the bombs. They get a false
scare with some fireworks before the real bombs blow up, causing chaos. Allan’s
solution is to tell Nemo to blow up a building so the collapsing buildings no
longer fall like dominos, which does not help the fact that a foundation of
Venice has been blown up. Tom takes the car and Allan, Mina, and Dorian join in
the vehicle. Basically, the car will be a target as to where they should shoot
a missile at it in hopes of stopping the buildings from falling like dominos. They
want Jekyll as well to use Hyde, but Jekyll doesn’t want to use Hyde.
As they
are driving, they start getting shot at by snipers, obviously working for the
Fantom. Dorian thinks Rodney told the bad guys they were coming and gets off to
try and find him. Mina and her CGI bats and effects go after the snipers.
We see
the collapse has reached the carnival and people are running. The car passes by
a boat with the Fantom on it and Allan decides to get out of the car to give
chase, but not before telling Tom to shoot the flare at the right spot. Tom
shoots the flare after jumping off a ramp and the Nautilus launches the
missiles. The targets hit and this
insane plan that should not work, does as Venice stops collapsing.
Allan
eventually catches up with the Fantom at a garden and the Fantom taunts Allan
about his dead son. Allan says he knows all about the Fantom’s spy and the
Fantom wonders if he does. We then see Dorian Gray enter the Nautilus and shoots
Ishmael, revealing himself to be the actual traitor.
By
Order Of This Traitor, You Have Been Murdered.
Why,
Yes….Of Course I Have Watched The Traitors Season 3.
Allan
has a tussle with the Fantom and unmasks him to reveal that it is actually…
M!!!!!
M gets
away and Alan goes back to the rest to reveal that the Fantom was M. Everyone
is shocked by this revelation and Ishmael staggers out and says that Dorian was
the mole before dying. They then see Dorian escape via an escape boat.
Everyone
in the Nautilus give chase. They then hear a noise and it is a record that they
need to play. It is basically M (or called Professor by the recorder) who
reveals his scheme. Dorian is also in the recording and reveals that he is only
doing this because M holds something dear to his heart (aka the portrait (which
again, he would want to be miles away from if looking upon it kills him)). He
says that everything he said was a lie including the secret peace conference
and the league itself. Dorian’s role was to take parts of each of the members
that were needed like Rodney’s skin cells, Jekyll’s potions, Nemo’s science, and
Mina’s blood. He basically says it doesn’t matter if they succeeded in Venice
or not because war will come anyway. He says the game is over for them because
a special sound in this recording has also been recorded and it is attached to
bombs on the Nautilus. The bombs start exploding and water starts entering the
submarine.
Nemo
has the engine room sealed off while that voice in Jekyll’s head says that they
can save everyone if they just let Hyde out. Jekyll goes to the engine room
before it is sealed off and becomes Hyde. Hyde goes to the bottom and opens
hatches to release the excess water. With the water gone, the Nautilus is able
to surface and not sink.
The
League tries reorganizing things and Hyde has turned back into Jekyll. They
thank Jekyll, but Jekyll says to not make a saint out of a sinner because next
time, Hyde may not be so helpful. They then get a morse code from Rodney who
says that he has been hiding on the escape pod with Dorian and M and is telling
them to follow him as he gives out where the bad guys are going to be. We then
see the League help out with medical aide for the injured crew, fix the ship,
and formulate a plan against M and Dorian. They then head to the frozen lands
of Mongolia, which is where the bad guys are heading to. They surface and the
League heads out to rendezvous with Rodney. On their voyage, they find the bad
guys HQ.
They
hang out at a cave with Allan on lookout. A white tiger comes at them and Allan
is about to shoot it, but doesn’t and the white tiger just goes away. Nemo and
Mina come out just to see the tiger completely leave. Rodney finally shows up
to slap Mina’s ass and says he had been waiting all week to do that. The snow
gives Rodney away so Mina slaps him. Allan wants a report, but Rodney would
more like to get a jacket since he is completely naked in the cold and can’t
feel any of his extremities. He gets a jacket and some cream so we see his
face, then Rodney gives them a run down of M’s base, which is making iron for
the weapons. Rodney also reveals that M is making several replicas of the
Nautilus and armored suits for his private army. They then find out that
Sanderson is part of this, but only because M holds his family hostage. The
scientists are also made to work night and day on invisible spies, a bunch of
Hydes, and vampiric assassins. Basically M is going to leave tonight with a
sample to show to the most eager nations.
Rodney
reveals that he will set up bombs all around the building and just needs help
from the others to do take care of everything else. They of course want to keep
M alive, but Mina says Dorian needs to die at her hands. Allan says Nemo and
Hyde will free the prisoners while Tom and himself will deal with M. Rodney
knocks out the guards as Mina enters through the sewers in bat form. Inside, M
tries to keep Dorian, but Dorian is done and just wants to hang in his room. The
rest of the good guys go inside and split up with their agendas.
We
first follow Allan and Tom as they see the might of the troops and Allan hopes
Rodney is up to the task with the bombs. We then go to Rodney as he is setting
up bombs in the factory We then go to Nemo as he and his troops free the
prisoners rather quickly. We then go back to Rodney as he sets up another bomb
and then we see Allan and Tom still looking for M. Then we see one of the
guards Nemo thought he knocked out get up and run to warn of intruders. We go
back to Allan and Tom as they see M is getting a shave. They are about to go
after him, but another guy shows up so they hide, this guy reveals the sample
he has of the Hyde formula, the vampire blood, the samples of invisible skin, and
the Indian’s science.
The
soldier comes in to warn of the intruders and M is upset that the cretins are
still alive. Hyde and Nemo come searching for soldiers to fight and they run
into an ambush. Hyde tells Nemo to go get the scientists as he will deal with
the ambush. Nemo frees the scientists and all that armored gear does nothing as
the guys keeping them hostage are easily dispatched. M tries to grab his mask
and bring back the Fantom, but Allan has a gun to his back. Allan then reveals
that M is really Professor James Moriarty. M says Moriarty died and he was
reformed so please don’t call him Moriarty…..so I will do just that for the
rest of this film. A guard attacks Tom and Moriarty makes a run for it with
Allan and Tom hot on his trails.
Dorian
goes to get his painting and you remember that wall with the missing piece that
was “supposed to be” the portrait that was stolen. Well, I don’t know if this…
Is
going to fit in this…
Mina
shows up and they fight.
Loads
Of Stunt Doubles For This Fight
It
seems that Dorian kills Mina and makes a quip about hoping to nail her one more
time, but he didn’t mean literally.
Yeah,
That’s No Where Close To The Heart….You Didn’t Kill Her
As
Allan and Tom chase Moriarty, Tom gets sidetracked when he has to fight an
invisible enemy who is not Rodney.
Eventually,
the invisible enemy has to run because he got pushed into some gunpowder so he
can now be seen, but now Tom has to deal with an armored enemy with a
flamethrower.
Like A
Dumbass, Tom Decides To Shoot At Him
The
armored guy then chases Tom around with a flamethrower and is cornered when
Rodney shows up and throws a spear at the armored guy’s flamethrower tank and
tells Tom to run for it because it is going to explode. Meanwhile, Hyde leads
scientists to the Nautilus when the guards come to fight. One of the bad guys
(the one who presented the samples earlier) decides that he needs to drink the
stolen Hyde formula so he turns into a monster too.
A
Terrible CGI Monstrosity Compared To Hyde Which While CGI, Looked Better Than
This
As
Dorian looks over a believed to be dead Mina, he says that she looks so lovely
but when he turns his back, Mina gets up and stabs him with his own sword. This
of course doesn’t kill Dorian, but it does pin him to the wall. Mina then grabs
the portrait and makes him see it, which turns Dorian to dust…thus ending
Dorian once and for all.
Tom
finds Rodney who sadly has been burned by the explosion.
Unfortunately
the invisible enemy has his knife to Tom’s throat.
Allan
and Moriarty fight in another room as Nemo has to join Hyde in fighting this
monstrous bad guy. Nemo tries slicing the monster up with the sword, but that
does no good. Hyde says this monster is burning through the formula at an
accelerated rate and will soon change back so they will have to wait. Meanwhile,
Allan beats up Moriarty since while Moriarty is a Prince of All Crimes, he is
not a fighter like Allan is.
Back
with Hyde and Nemo, Hyde turns back into Jekyll so they are just going to have
to run. The monster has the two cornered as elsewhere, Moriarty taunts Allan
that there will be others like him. All the while this goes on, the bombs are
ticking. Before the monster can kill Jekyll and Nemo with a giant icicle and Allan
can kill Moriarty with an axe, the bombs start going off, which kills the
monster.
Nemo
and Jekyll escape through a hole in the wall as the floor collapses on Allan
and Moriarty, who are still alive. Moriarty tries to run again, but Allan
points his pistol at him. Moriarty uses his mask to show that Tom has a knife
to his throat by the invisible enemy. Allan shoots the enemy, but Moriarty uses
this moment to stab Allan in the back.
Moriarty
then makes a run for it while Tom tries the shot Allan was trying to teach him
back then. With encouragement from Allan, Tom makes the shot.
Direct
Hit And Moriarty Is Dead
Tom is
happy that he got him, but then realizes that Allan is dying. Allan says these
words before dying.
Allan
Quartermain: May
this new century be yours as the old one was mine.
We then
go back to Kenya where a witch doctor is chanting over a fire and Tom buries
Allan next to his son.
Other
League members are also at the funeral like Nemo, Mina, Rodney, and Jekyll.
Rodney remembers that Allan said that Africa wouldn’t let him die and he wishes
Allan was right. Tom wonders what is next and Nemo says that he has long hidden
away from the world and now he wishes to see it to a new century. Nemo says
that they are all welcome to join him and they all agree to stay together as
they leave with Tom leaving the shotgun on Allan’s grave. But that witch doctor
is still chanting.
No, He
Does Not See “Oh Eee Oh Ah Ah….Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang”
And
No….He Does Not Then Shrink Anyone’s Head
It
seems like he is about to bring Allan back to life, but the movie ends showing
his shotgun.
Ahh….Setting
Up For A Sequel That Never Happens.
So the
ending sets up a sequel that will thankfully never happen. Despite the film
being heavily marketed, the film was only barely able to make twice their
budget which is a huge disappointment for 20th Century Fox. And even
if it was a success, a sequel was unlikely as during filming, Sean Connery’s
ego and Stephen Norrington’s want for his version of scenes (made a headache by
the studio heads butting in, as is sadly expected when they put a lot money
into a film) butted heads so many times that Sean Connery basically retired
from acting and Stephen Norrington actually missing the Hollywood premiere
because he was really not looking forward to running into Sean Connery. The
film got rightfully panned as a betrayal of the source material (even despite
my defense of changing the Invisible Man bit and getting rid of The Doctor)
with even the author and illustrator saying this is not the graphic novel.
Oh and
despite that best effort at avoiding a lawsuit, one still came. You see…between
1993 and 1996, Larry Cohen and Martin Poll had basically pitched this same idea
of public domain characters on an adventure called Cast Of Characters so you
can imagine how pissed off they were to see their idea rejected and something
that is almost too similar to their idea being shown on the silver screen. Despite
it being based on a graphic novel that just so happened to coincidentally have
the same idea (serious, this was a coincidence), and the public domain
characters being different, 20th Century Fox ended up settling out
of court. That was something that pissed off Alan Moore who wanted the lawsuit
to go to court and succeed so he could exonerate himself from this whole
affair.
So
aftermath with the actors besides Sean Connery (who played Allan Quartermain)
who I already told you was basically done acting after this trash. Stephen
Norrington (the director) has also not directed anything since this film
(although he has wanted to direct again, but the right situation has not come
up for him yet). Naseerudddin Shah (who played Captain Nemo) went back to
Bollywood and has a good career going there. Shane West (who played Tom Sawyer)
was on 70 episodes at the end of ER’s TV run from 2004 to 2009. Jason Flemyng
(who played Dr. Henry/Mr. Edward Hyde) was still able to get plenty of work as
he was in The Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttons, X-Men: First Class, and 17
episodes of the TV series Pennyworth. Richard Roxburgh (who played
M/Fantom/Professor James Moriarty) got a second chance to be in a big budget
film as the main villain with Van Helsing.
Which
While Also A Disappointment, It Wasn’t A Total Loss As He Met His Eventual Wife
Who He Married The Very Next Year.
Sadly
some people did pass away after this film. This would sadly be one of David
Hemmings’ last films as several months after this film came out, he would pass
away at the age of 62 after a heart attack. Rudolf Pellar (who played a
character named Draper) left this mortal coil in 2010 at the age of 87. Robert
Vahey (who played an elderly hunter) died in 2013 at the age of I believe 81
(his birth date besides year is unknown). Sean Connery died in 2020 at the age
of 90 from respiratory failure.
Time
for my final thoughts on this film and as someone who read the book, yeah….this
is the graphic novel in name and a few characters only. But even if I did not
read the graphic novel, you can see the mess on the screen. Most of the acting
feels rather uninspired (especially Stuart Townsend as Dorian Gray and Sean
Connery as Allan Quartermain (you could tell he was checked out by the end)).
The effects were mostly good although that purple monstrosity that had to fight
Hyde was REALLY bad. It just really felt like a waste of film as well as money
for anyone who went to the theaters to see it. One thing I have not mentioned
is that while the graphic novel felt steampunkish, this absolutely did not feel
that. You’d be best to read the graphic novel, but just know there are things
in it that were problematic even for 1999.
Now for
the next induct…
Hello…Ass
Nugget
You
know, I’m going to enjoy when you are gone once again.
Of
course you will. But I’ll be enjoying my vacation more because I’ll be having
one.
Just
get on with the next induction.
Well,
good news for you is this next induction will not be a film from the 2000s.
Well, that’s
good.
Bad
news is it is a film from your old friend Charles Band.
Crap…
It’s
another one of those films where the poster was made before the actual film and
this one is quite simple. There is a monster in a castle.
