Monster
Crap Inductee: Anaconda 3: Offspring
Snakes
Hassle The Hoff
2008
Last
time, I mentioned Made For SyFy Films being made and I used to do AIM chats
where I and some invitees would riff on a few movies that would ultimately lead
to the film that premieres on Saturday. This time, we get to talk about one of
those films that I and others riffed in Anaconda 3: Offspring.
Now
some of you may remember that I inducted the first Anaconda more than a decade
ago and you might be wondering why I am not inducting the sequel Anacondas: The
Hunt For The Blood Orchid? Well, the answer is TheDeadRises actually wanted me
to do the fourth film which will be done next month, but since this film and
the fourth film were shot back to back and for the most part, tell a
consecutive story while the second film (other than a few minor mentions),
could be on its own, I was able to get him to negotiate it to being both this
film and the fourth film.
So
let’s talk about how this film became made and how it ended up being a SyFy
Original instead of going to theaters like the first two films. Well,
Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid was a box office disappointment so when
SyFy came asking for the rights to the Anaconda and Lake Placid franchises,
Sony was willing to sell it to them. So with the franchise rights to Anaconda
in hand, they were able to greenlight a SyFy Original with a third film. They
then went to Romania (probably because it’s cheap to shoot there) and shot the
film. So we get a cinematographer who wants to direct in Don E. FauntLeRoy (who
worked with Victor Salva on Jeepers Creepers and the terrible Jeepers Creepers
2).
As far
as cast goes, we need a somewhat name for the headlines and they got one in
David Hasselhoff.
David
Hasselhoff is an interesting actor in that while he isn’t a Hollywood star,
mind you…..he is well versatile in the world of media as he was the star of the
hit TV Series Knight Rider (the one who a talking car) and then he had a bigger
TV hit when he starred in the long running drama (that people like Allison
Pregler have done a series of videos on talking about how much cheesy goodness
there was on the show that is still going on) in Baywatch.
Trust
Me, If You Were A Boy In Middle School Or High School In The Early To Mid 90s,
Chances Are That You Saw An Episode Of Baywatch As It Was Syndicated All Over
The Place.
But
besides that, he also was a singer who was a star…….in Germany, Austria, and
Switzerland. In fact, he made huge news as he was the singer in 1989 at what
was left the Berlin Wall for New Year’s Day, two months after it had been torn
down. But that was then and this is 2008 and well, things kinda went downhill
as his fame was coming down, he had an ugly breakup with his wife, he had that
bad video where he was drunk and eating a cheeseburger on the shower floor
(shot by his daughter who was scolding him for this behavior and was
deliberately released by both he and his daughter as a wake-up call for himself
to go to rehab for his alcoholism), and he released an autobiography with a
much joked about title of “Don’t Hassel The Hoff”. So for a film like this, it
seemed like a good idea.
But
they could only get Hasselhoff for one of the two films so we need a connecting
good guy and a connecting bad guy. For the connecting heroine, we will get a
young up and coming actress in Crystal Allen and for the main villain
(although, he would be used sparsely in this film), let’s get Gimli himself,
John Rhys-Davies.
Other
past Monster Crap alum are people you never heard of like Banica Gheorghe (who
played two guard roles in Bloodrayne) and Bart Sidles (who played Fred in
Pumpkinhead: Ashes To Ashes).
And
with that out of the way, let’s get to this film.
We
begin this film in the forests somewhere (they never say where) as a hunting
party led by Stephen Hammett are hunting for the anaconda.
Well,
He Is The Group’s Leader Despite Being Third In This Line
And we
see the anaconda stalking from above.
The guy
in the back is named Peter Reysner and he gets a face full of Anaconda blood
spit.
Blood
Spit Is A New Ability For These Anacondas That Was Never In The Other Films And
No Real Anaconda Does This. This Will Be One Of Two New Things These Creatures
Do That Real Anacondas Don’t Do So You Can All Though How Seriously The People
Of SyFy Took This Movie And Its Predecessors.
Everyone
else starts firing at the creature as Peter runs into a tree as he is blinded
by the blood and gets knocked out, missing all the action (even though we don’t
really see it with how fast the camera cuts are. He wakes up to see that only
Hammet survived.
Hammet
Even Asks Peter If He Is Glad That He Came. He Also Says That This Is What
Being Rich Looks Like.
Hammet
leaves as Peter sees the Anaconda that has been tranquilized and captured.
In All
Its Terrible CGI Glory Because Actually Having An Animatronic Anaconda Is Too
Expensive For SyFy.
Then we
get our opening title card.
We then
see a montage woman named Dr. Amanda Hayes jogging and working out, an actual
anaconda in a glass reptile tank, and some other science stuff.
We then
see a car going to a lab and inside the car is rich boss named Peter “J.D.”
Murdoch, his assistant, and a nameless driver.
They
are hearing a radio report talks about a leak that says that Murdoch and his
lab are doing research that could be considered animal cruelty. Outside the
lab, we see a gentleman named Pinkus who is practicing how he is going to greet
his boss right up to the handshake.
When
they arrive, Pinkus shakes Murdoch’s hand and Murdoch compliments him on his
handshake, as he says a handshake says a lot about a man.
By The
Way, The Lab Is Part Of Wexel Pharmaceuticals, Which Murdoch Owns. Yep…Another
Film Where Pharmaceuticals Creates The Problem, Just Like Mansquito.
Pinkus
offers a cup of coffee, but Murdoch doesn’t want any pleasantries as there has
been a leak and wants to know what Pinkus is doing to find out who it was. Also,
Murdoch pronounces PETA “Pet-A” instead of “Pee-Ta” as most people do. Pinkus
tries to say that he can only bring in more security, but that isn’t enough for
Murdoch who says this line.
Murdoch:
You will do your
job! Or the only thing you will be supervising is a proctologist removing my
boot from your rectum. Do you understand?
And
Looking At These Two Gentleman, I Bet You Murdoch Could Freaking Put His Boot
Up His Rectum.
Murdoch
then wants to know the status of the project (or “stay-tus” as he pronounces
it). Pinkus says they have hit some delays which Murdoch mocking asks why he is
not surprised. When Murdoch asks what sort of delays, Pinkus says that
Professor Eric Kane will answer his questions. We then see a feed of the female
snake and Murdoch makes a joke about it being motionless like his first wife.
We then meet Professor Kane.
Sure To Be Less Of A Disappointment Than Mayor Kane
Kane
basically tells him that while they have successfully synthesized orchid
extract (from Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid where this extract could
possibly cure cancer and Alzheimer’s, as well as curing aging). Unfortunately,
it has only worked on snakes instead of other animals and especially humans
(where it can be lethal to us). Murdoch wants to figure out why it only works
on snakes and nothing else, but Kane does not know yet and so far they have
reduced the level of toxicity in the extract. He introduces him to a guy who
monitors the male anaconda named Darryl.
They
then show where the male snake has been kept. We then see the snake as it jump
scares Murdoch by lunching from it’s tank.
Amanda
finally comes and she wants some upgrades to the lab because they don’t know
how long they can hold the dangerous anacondas. Murdoch says that once they
give him a marketable product, he will give them all the upgrades they need. As
she talks about understaffing and being ill-prepared if something happens
before leaving, Murdoch then wonders if the concerns are valid, but Pinkus says
they are minor and he really shouldn’t worry about them. We then see Kane
talking to Amanda about her attitude and she knows that Murdoch is dying with
his eyes dilated, his coughs, and his loss of weight….he is obviously dying and
she thinks he has cancer so he wants the formula as quick as possible so he can
keep living. Amanda says that despite what good could come out of a drug that
can cure cancer and Alzheimer’s, it feels so wrong what they are doing.
Murdoch
then gets the brilliant idea of shining a flashlight on the tank which
irritates the snake so they try to gas it into sedation. Pinkus tries to say
the glass is strong that the snake won’t be able to get out, but all that concerns
that Amanda has turned out to be very real as the snake breaks out and kills Darryl.
Now We
Add The Other New Abilities For These Anacondas, Which Is To Skewer People With
There Tails (Which Real Anacondas Can’t Do With Even Smaller Animals). Also,
Darryl, NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Pinkus
and Murdoch lock themselves in as they hope the gas eventually sedates the
snake and alarms are hit to say the snake escaped, asking people to evacuate. Kane
and Amanda come in wondering what happened and Murdoch tells them “What Do You
Think Happened?!!!” The snake tries to get in with the banging, but it stops as
everyone thinks the snake has been sedated.
They turn the gas off and Amanda and Kane go to take care of the snake
while Pinkus and Murdoch get out of there. Unfortunately, after the two scientists
mourn over Darryl’s body, they realize there is no anaconda.
Darryl
Got Fucked Up
We then
find out the male anaconda went through the vents and starts killing more
people.
Amanda
and Kane find more dead people and realized the female anaconda has been let
free and escaped.
They
think both anacondas have escaped, but the male is still there and kills Kane
as Amanda has to run by Kane’s orders as he is dying.
And
Biting His Damn Head Off For Good Measure
Amanda
hears the snake leaving and mourns over the dead body of Professor Kane.
DECAPITATION!!!!
Outside,
Murdoch is mad at Pinkus and asks him how much this is going to cost him to
cover up. Murdoch then says he wants this place cleaned. Pinkus says they’ll
have the cleanup team here and professional trackers are their way. Murdoch
says Pinkus will do what needs to get done, but Pinkus will be with them 24
hours a day hunting the anacondas, which Pinkus does not want to do. Murdoch
says that if he doesn’t supervise, he will have the lab test that serum on
Pinkus.
The
trackers arrive led by Captain Grozny.
Murdoch
leaves after telling Pinkus that until he hears good news, Pinkus will have to
report to him hourly. Pinkus tells Grozny that he will tell him about the
situation. We then go to a place that looks like Romania (instead of the places
they try to pass as the United States) and Hammett is trying to sell off some
rhino horns he got because of his poaching. He gets money for it and some other
goons try to rob him of it at the same bar. While this is happening, he gets a
call from Pinkus who wants him for help as Hammett smartly surmised that Pinkus
was too much of a dumbass to reinforce the tanks the creatures were in and they
escaped. He tells Pinkus he will be there as soon as he can and then pretends Pinkus
wants to speak to one of the robbers and uses the distraction to kick the
robbers’ asses while other people in the bar don’t really give a shit.
Back
outside of the lab, Pinkus tells the mercenary hunters who are there that these
creatures are one of a kind and are extremely dangerous. By the way, let’s talk
about these other mercenaries besides Captain Grozny, who I already mentioned.
The
Black Guy’s Name Is Nick, The Short Haired Woman’s Name Is Sofia, The Guy With
The Cowboy Hat Next To Nick Is Named Andrei, The Long Haired Guy Next To Sofia
Is Victor And The Guy With Glasses Is Dragosh.
Pinkus
once again is an arrogant dumbass as he says he has put trackers on the snakes
so they can locate them.
Anyone
Who Has Even A Small Amount Of Knowledge About Snakes Or Most Reptiles Knows
Why Putting Trackers On Is Only A Short Term Solution That Will Blow Up In Your
Face If You Are Too Reliant On It So I Am Not Going To Insult Your Intelligence
By Explaining That To You. Just Know This Will Do That And I’ll Tell You When.
Grozny
doesn’t care to wait for Hammett and tells his team that they are moving out in
10 minutes with both Pinkus and Amanda coming along. Amanda speaks with Pinkus
alone and asks why they didn’t call the government or military for help, which
Pinkus says the company is going to handle this on their own and outside help
would screw all of them. As the drive begins, Amanda starts having PTSD
memories about past deaths aka we need to show these deaths again just in case
you forgot. Grozny snaps her out of it and tries to give her a gun, but she
refuses. Pinkus says she should just hang with Nick or as he is also nicknamed
“The Bazooka” as he was a former regional boxing middleweight champion.
By The
Way, You Can Tell They Aren’t Really In A Car Driving Unless You Count Being In
A Motionless Prop While The Backdrop Moves “Driving”.
In the
other car, we find out that Dragosh doesn’t like snakes. We then go to a farmer
where a farmer hears some commotion going on with his goat so he gets his gun
out to investigate. He goes outside and finds the goat is gone so he goes into
the barn and check. He goes to the second level of the barn, but the floor
gives out on him and he is knocked out after a fall. He then wakes up to find the
goat is okay, but he isn’t as the female anaconda is eating him.
Yeah,
That Farmer Is Dead
They
locate one of the anacondas to the farm and think both will be nearby. Dragosh
in the barn gets spooked by some chickens and starts shooting, which afterwards
gives everyone else a laugh.
Dragosh,
We Might As Well Nickname You Chicken
Of
course what is not funny is the spit out remains of the goat falling at them.
Yeah,
That Goat Was Killed Shortly After The Farmer
Sofia
tells them to get over to where she is at and when they do, we all see why the
tracker idea is not a good one on most reptiles.
Most
Trackers Are In The Skin And Reptiles Shed Their Skin To Get Bigger.
As
Grozny is trying to formulate a new plan, he gets skewered by the anaconda
tail.
The
Anaconda Has A Live One
Everyone
that has a gun shoots at the snake, who drops Grozny. Everyone with a gun gives
chase while Amanda and Pinkus try to save Grozny, but Grozny dies. Dragosh then
gets his head ripped off by the snake.
And
Dragosh dead body failing and firing the gun causes one of the cars to blow up.
The
remaining mercs chase the anaconda into the woods. While the mercs are in the
woods, the snake goes back to the farm and corners Amanda as Pinkus is too much
of a coward to help.
Luckily
for Amanda, she does not end up as an anaconda snack as Hammett comes to save
the day.
Hammett’s
shots cause the snake to scurry away and then Hammett brings everyone still
alive together to talk about the rules for hunting this snake, which is
basically shoot everything you have at the snake and aim for the head. He then
splits the team in two with Amanda, Victor, and Sofia in one jeep while Nick,
Andrei and Pinkus go with Hammett on foot. Pinkus wants to stay put which they
accept because he is so useless.
In the
jeep, one of the anacondas attacks the jeep and spits blood into Victor’s eyes.
They
try to get away, but they crash and Victor dies.
Oh And
Some Random Crew Member Is In The Background. This Is Not One Of The Characters
And This Guy Is Not Supposed To Be Here, But He Is And The Filmmakers Did Not
Notice Or Care To Do Another Take.
Sofia
(who was driving) is thrown out of the jeep, which breaks her leg, and she gets
eaten by the anaconda.
The
anaconda then corners Amanda again and the car starts to catch on fire so
Amanda may have two choices of stay in the car and burn alive or get out of the
car and be a snack for the anaconda. She decides to take her chances out of the
car and the snake gives chase. She trips and gets mud on her during the fall.
She is
cornered into a tree, but Hammett comes to save the day by shooting the snake
again.
Sorry…..Only
One Time Per Induction Can I Use The “Mighty Mouse” Theme Song Or I’m Just
Beating Up A Dead Horse.
He
takes her to Nick and Andrei to where she cleans up.
And I
Guess They Have A Washing Machine Too Because That Shirt She Had On Is All
White. I Guess We Should Never Underestimate The Power Of Tide Detergent.
She
once again gets PTSD flashbacks about deaths from the past, including the death
of Darryl, which she never saw how it happened. She gets out and sees Hammett
and Pinkus talking about something, but they don’t want to tell her about what
they talking about. This brings huge concern for her that something isn’t right
and she wants to call the army. Pinkus then talks to Nick and Andrei and says
that Amanda is hiding something. They then all confront Amanda and we find out
Amanda did hide the fact that the lab altered its DNA so because of the drugs
and altered DNA, the tail can skewer people. Amanda also reveals that the
female anaconda is also pregnant. Nick now wants to call the military, but
Hammett says he shot one of the anacondas with a tracker so he knows exactly
where they are. Take it away, villain from Far Cry 3.
Hammett
also says the military won’t be here in time which is probably a better
argument than “I can find it because I put a tracker on it, despite the fact we
already saw why the tracking idea fails on a reptile.” That night, Hammett and
Amanda talk over coffee and basically somewhat have a passive verbal dick
measuring contest. We then go to the next day and found the tracker leading to
the old industrial park. Amanda is the one who stays behind while everyone else
goes into the woods to get the anaconda. They walk around the abandoned
industrial park and after firing, find the remains of Sofia that were spit out.
Oh And
The Tracker Was In Sofia’s Body So They Once Again Don’t Know Where This Snake
Is.
Then
Pinkus gets impaled by the snake tail.
They
hear Pinkus’ screams and run over to find him dying. The anacondas then pass Amanda
and they decide to leave Pinkus to die. The three meet up with Amanda and chase
the snakes, only to find they went into the water.
Yeah,
Anacondas Are Good Swimmers And Hey, There Is A Town Nearby.
Amanda
also reveal that if the female anaconda only goes to an area with an abundant
food source if they are about to lay eggs so she is ready and they are heading
to town. Nick definitely wants to call the military and Hammett acquiesces as
he calls them, although we only hear him on the radio. By the way, Hammett
calls a “Major Reysner” and if you paid attention in the beginning, the guy he
saved before the credits had the last name of Reysner so that call was not on
the up and up. They then continue to hunt the snakes as Hammett plans on
getting a new pair of snake skin boots in the morning. We then see a kid
playing with a boat and when he goes to his mom, who called for him, he sees
two giant snakes passing by behind his mom.
Yeah,
Kid…..Better Not Inform Your Mom As She Will Never Believe You.
Hammett
and Andrei eventually see a snake path and radio Nick and Amanda in a van,
hoping to intersect with them at a certain point, but Amanda changes course as
she believes they are heading elsewhere because she believes the anacondas will
be nesting at a nearby abandoned factory. Hammett and Andrei stop on their way
to the planned rendezvous as the snake path stops which means they went up the
trees and a big tree branch nearly falls on Andrei.
Unfortunately,
the near death experience did destroy the radio Hammett and Andrei were using
to call Nick and Amanda. They then find blood tracks so they follow that. Nick
and Amanda arrive at the abandoned factory. Nick and Amanda enter the factory
and after a few minutes of searching, they find the male anaconda, but that’s
because the male anaconda grabbed Nick.
Amanda
tries to shoot the snake, but there isn’t much she can do with her gun and
trying not to shoot Nick as well. As the male anaconda squeezes the life out of
Nick, Nick reveals that he has a grenade and is going to sacrifice himself. Nick
tells her to run which she does as Nick and the male anaconda explode together,
killing both of them.
Hammett
and Andrei see the explosion and head right to the factory. Hammett gets on the
phone and radios whoever about where they are. Then we go to Murdoch who is in
his mansion as he gets a call from Reysner and makes him call him on the other
line because this line may be monitored by authorities, which is a burner
phone. Reysner tells Murdoch on the burner phone that everything is going as
planned.
We go
back to the abandoned factory as Hammett and Andrei meet up with Amanda and
find out that Nick is dead as well as the male anaconda. Andrei gets out some
C4 and plans to blow up the whole factory to end this, but Hammett shoots him,
revealing his heel turn.
He
points the gun at Amanda and reveals that he is getting a lot of money to keep
the female anaconda and her newborn babies alive so they can sell them. He also
reveals that there is no military coming to the rescue although we should have
known that because he called “Major Reysner”, who we remember from earlier
although it might have been so long ago that some of you might have forgotten
when that name was mentioned on the radio because he was such a minor character
in the beginning scene to introduce Hammett. Amanda asks why she doesn’t just
shoot him and Hammett explains that he wants her to come work for him, and if
she doesn’t….he’ll feed her to the snake. Amanda says she’ll take the deal, but
then immediately knees him in the balls.
Yeah,
That’s Gonna Hurt
There
is then a short fight scene between the two, which ends with Amanda stabbing
Hammett.
Hammett
goes down, but is not dead yet. Amanda then reveals the C4 that Andrei brought
and puts it on the timer, giving a Hammett only a small chance to stop it
before it blows up the entire factory.
She
leaves as Hammett tries to crawl to stop the bomb and the female anaconda is
right behind Hammett as well (she wants a Hasselhoff sandwich) . Amanda gets
out of the factory as neither Hammett nor the female anaconda get to it in time
and the factory blows up.
COOL
GIRLS ALSO DON’T LOOK AT EXPLOSIONS!!!!
She
drives into her truck and we get a fake fadeout to say the movie is over, but
it isn’t as Reysner shows up and gets one of the baby anacondas that survived.
He
leaves in his jeep (telling Murdoch that he has a snake and will begin research
immediately) and passes Amanda who is burning papers of the research she was
doing with the anacondas.
And
With Obvious Knowledge This Story Isn’t Over, That Is Where The Movie Ends.
So
since this is a SyFy Original, we don’t know how well this movie did and there
is no point in bothering since Anaconda 3 and Anacondas: Trail of Blood were
shot back to back, so a fourth one is definitely coming.
It’s
Not Like They Were Going To Be A Dumbass And Pull A David Zaslav Move In Never
Releasing It
No one
really did much of anything from this film, although Crystal Allen (who played
Amanda), John Rhys-Davies (who played Murdoch), Zoltan Butuc (who played
Reysner), and Cristina Teodorescu (who played Murdoch’s assistant) returned for
Anacondas: Trail Of Blood, which was also directed by Don E. FauntLeRoy. Sadly
though, there is a member of the cast of this film that is no longer with us. Serban
Celea (who played Professor Kane) passed away in 2020 at the age of 68.
My
final thoughts of this film is that it is the typical SyFy Original fare where
you aren’t going to be bored by what you watch (in fact if you riff on it, you
might have a fun time like several others and I did when we did that AIM chat
in 2008), but it is nothing you will either truly remember or call a good
movie. It had bad effects, an insane story, some minor film gaffes, and
unmemorable acting. But hey, that is what SyFy movies were for and sadly until
the Sharktopus and Sharknado films, they wouldn’t truly understand and when the
Sharknado stuff ended, they killed the whole freaking SyFy Original Movies
thing because they cared more about the TV shows they had.
Now I
don’t even have to try and play games with what the last movie in this Summer
of TheDeadRises is because I already basically gave it away at the beginning. Anaconda
3 was shot back to back with Anacondas: Trail of Blood.
And
That Is Exactly What The Final Induction Of This Summer Will Be.
