Saturday, March 25, 2023

Monster Crap Inductee: 2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

Monster Crap Inductee: 2-Headed Shark Attack
2 Heads In The Movie, Zero Brains

2012

Time to go back to the films of The Asylum and also we get to return to films of director Christopher Ray, son of director Fred Olen Ray.

He Directed This Gem

For the cast, they had to hire some names like Carmen Electra.

Who You May Remember As Mystique In That Terrible 2007 GINO Award, Epic Movie....As Well As Be Covered With Food In Meet The Spartans And Get Shot In The Head In Disaster Movie

Yeah, she was also a former playmate, former Baywatch babe, former MTV host, and former wife of Dennis Rodman.

Yeah, She Married That Crazy Guy

Also, we need a male lead and since Jerry O’Connell refused to do this film, let’s get his brother Charlie. And since we’re in the business of hiring family members of more famous people, let’s hire Brooke Hogan, daughter of Hulk Hogan.

I Want To Reiterate That She Is His Daughter And Not His Wife At The Time.

So Brooke, this acting gig was her second attempt to have a career of her own outside of her father’s shadow as her first attempt was to try to be a pop diva.

It Didn’t Work Out As Well As She Wanted It To.

So she decided that she needed to be an actress and for that, she got Little Hercules In 3D (which her father Hulk was Zeus in) and Sand Sharks.

Someday, I Will Get To That Terrible Film

Oh, but I am not done yet with Brooke because also around this time….she decided that she needed to be a character in wrestling and she did that in a company her dad had a lot of say in at the time in TNA Impact.

And If You Remember Her Time In TNA (I Know I Do Considering I Did Co-Host Impact Implosion For The AngryMarks Podcast Network), You Would Know She Was Fucking Terrible.

Now that we are done with her, let’s talk about the rest of the cast….

I’ve Got Nothing

The only thing I have is Monster Crap alumni and besides Carmen Electra, we have Gerald Webb (who played Jean in Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus).

That’s all we have so let’s get into this damn movie.

We begin with two ladies wake surfing as guys are filming.

And The Shark Eats The Two Ladies

I think I should stop here to explain that a two-headed shark is definitely not out of the realm of possibility as there is such a thing called Polycephaly, which is an animal (or even human) with more than one head. It is of course a mutation where two creatures come out of the womb or egg not fully developed twins. Of course, you may have seen a two headed snake in your school text book somewhere as it is a rare occurrence. Unfortunately, most of these animals die because they both get the hunger bug and one kills the other which kills itself too. But there have been two headed animals that have died via old age and some that have even given birth, but that is uber rare. Also, they never get this big, but this is The Asylum who had the idea of Sharknado, so logic is not their strong suit.

The guys see this are freaking dumb and decide to go back to see if their lady friends are alive, despite the fact that we saw the shark pretty much eat them in one bite so odds are not good. You definitely have footage to give to the authorities so you probably should do that, but no….these are the “dumb bro” kind of guys so they go back just so they can get eaten and that footage never sees the light of day.

The Two-Headed Sharks Main Objective Is Like Your Average Criminal, “No Witnesses”

And We Also Get Our Title Card

We then go on The Sea King.

No, Not That Sea King

No, That Is Deep Sea King From One Punch-Man

Oh Come On, Guys….That’s A Freaking Pokemon. Of Course That Isn’t It Either.

There We Go. That Is The Sea King I Am Talking About

Of course, we are following an education vessel which is captained by Professor Babish and he has students on board for studying.

That’s Prof. Babish’s Wife Anne

There Are Several Of The Students.

There’s Two More Students (One Of Them Being Kate)

And There Is Prof. Babish, Talking About A Sexton That Can Tell One’s Latitude

Of course, there are jocks, nerds, hotties, potheads….all your typical college clique shit and really not much to know about these characters as most of them will just be chowder for the shark. The boat hits something and they find that it is a dead Megamouth shark.


We learn from our nerd character that Megamouth sharks are rarely seen as they are deepwater fish

That Is What They Normally Look Like And Yes, They Are Real, Despite How Insane The Mouth Looks

Prof. Babish thinks that some kind of disturbance or sea quake could have brought it up. Babish is then given a pike pole by a guy named Han and it used to try to get the fish on board as Babish wants to take a look at it and it will go into the propeller if he lets it go. Unfortunately, it is too big and it goes into the propeller which cuts up the fish and causes the propellers to no longer work so the book is stuck.


The blood attracts the two headed shark and the shark goes into a feeding frenzy. The boat is now taking on water and the navigator Laura has to call in an SOS.


The shark during it’s feeding frenzy causes the antenna to break so the SOS goes nowhere.


Everyone is worried about the boat sinking since it is taking water, but they do find an island.

Sorry, Nerd…..It’s An Atoll.

Since the atoll normally means shallow water, they decide to head there so it will be easier to fix the ship to avoid it from sinking. Babish tells the students that he did promise the students this semester would offer them educational opportunities beyond your wildest expectations and this is proof that he wasn’t kidding. One of the students sees an unfinished tent and thinks civilization is there.

You Are A Dumbass

So they get to as close as the boat can go and students are ferried to the atoll via a dinghy. Annie doesn’t like this atoll so she is staying on the boat. The first group immediately gets on the atoll.

Well, Second Group As The First Group Got On The Island Offscreen

While journeying on the atoll, the group with Babish find a hole.

I Didn’t Need The Nerd To Correct Me On This One, Although Professor Babish Sure As Hell Did.

You Idiot!!!!

Of course some of the students wonder if there are cannibals on this atoll.

You Know, I Really Wish There Were Some Cannibals Here. But We Are Not That Lucky.

They find a beached animal on the atoll too.

Although They Never Say What It Is, It Is Obviously A Giant Squid. Another Deepwater Animal That Should Not Be Shallow

Laura decides to go under the boat so she can weld and says she will be okay.


Meanwhile, Anne decides to do some sunbathing.

Well, They Did Hire Carmen Electra So Of Course This Was Happening

You can probably guess what is going to happen to Laura.


The shark then hits the boat and the crew feels it. Back on the atoll, Babish and the students find an abandoned village with outhouse and tiny church. Babish tells them to split up, but stay close by as they are looking for scrap metal or anything that could come in handy to fix the boat.

But You Know With College Students, You Know What These Three Are Going To Be Up To

While with another student, Kate talks about how she is freaked out by the water because when she was 12, she had an encounter with a blue shark that scared her.

Understandable Because While They Look Doe Eyed, They Can Be Rather Viscous Predators

Of course, the question that most of us would ask is asked, which is why she would spend a semester at sea and she answers that she did this so she wouldn’t be scared of the water anymore. Honey, you already had a close encounter with a shark and your attempt to get over it is in a movie called Two-Headed Shark Attack. Maybe you and the sea do not mix.

So we go to the three that are gonna have water fun and….

The Return Of The Black Box.

Of course, they decide to have extra water fun.

Shark Head #1: My Sex Readings Are Off The Charts
Shark Head #2: Well, You Know What That Means?
Shark Head #1 & #2: KILLING TIME!!!!

And that is exactly what happens.

Although If This Is To Be Believed, The Shark May Literally Be Going Ass To Mouth

You Never Go Ass To Mouth

After that bit, the guy tries to run, but he gets eaten up rather quickly.


On the atoll, the students tell Babish that they really didn’t find anything and they find boats.

Well, I Wouldn’t Take These Boats On The High Seas, But They Could Be Used For Scrap Metal If You’re Desperate…..Which You Seem To Be

Meanwhile, another student finds a gun and instead of telling anyone, decides to hide it in her bag. The nerd is asked to tune these boats up to see if they could be of use (no one ever brings up that they really don’t work in the ocean). The shark somehow causes a bit of a rumble and Babish injures his leg.

Ouchy Mamma

Two of the students try to get Babish back to the Sea King so he can get aid. More tremors happen and one of the students freaks out so Kate slaps her, with another student calling Kate a bitch for doing so and the nerd telling Kate that was wrong.

Back on the ship, the crew checks on Laura and…

Yeah…Unless Laura Was Serizawa And Decided To Die With Godzilla And The Oxygen Destroyer, I’d Say Laura Is Dead

We find out Anne is apparently a doctor so that is why the two students went with Babish to get aid. Anne says she can patch up Babish’s wound, but they need to get him to a clinic soon. The two students are sent back to the island as the Sea King is still under repair. While doing so, they find a piece of flesh and decide to investigate. It’s a severed hand and they get eaten shortly afterwards.

Like Shooting Fish In A Barrel

The students still on the atoll eventually get one of the boats to work and leave Kate and the nerd as well as two others behind on their boat. Kate, the nerd, and one of the two go on the other boat while the other stays behind. Back on the Sea King, Babish and his wife Anne see that the atoll is sinking. The two boats with students decide to race to the Sea King. The shark with two heads shows up and eats the boat that doesn’t have Kate on it, because Kate has main character shield. The black guy is the first that gets eaten.

Because Of Course He Is.

The nerd talks about creatures with two heads never survive until maturity (although they have, it is still rare). He also says the shark is going after the other boat because the boat’s motor is bigger. The leader of the second boat decides to dive off and save himself while the boat gets destroyed and the other two still on eaten.


The other boat gets the coward and gets back on land where there are still students watching all of this on the atoll. Kate punches the coward and walks away. The nerd and two others try to calm Kate down. Oh yeah, a boat with the crew as well as Anne and the professor come to the atoll as well. They figure out that the people we saw as get killed are now missing. Babish says that the Sea King does have an emergency transponder that sends out a signal that puts their location on the map, but that means they have to sink the it. Oh and because atolls are built on coral as its foundation, the shark is attacking the coral to sink the atoll eventually. The nerd explains that if they fix a generator that just so happens to be on the island and distract the shark, another boat can go back to the Sea King and fix it. Oh and Kate apparently knows how to weld as her dad’s a welder.

Things That Could Have Been Brought To Our Attention YESTERDAY!!!!

So the Babish couple, the nerd, the surviving crew, and some of the students set put a net in the water that is hooked up to a battery as a way to distract the shark while Kate and the coward set off for the Sea King so Kate can hopefully weld shit together. The shark is confused for a while before eventually deciding to attack the electric net and if you are thinking electrocution will be the result, we have more than 20 minutes left so it just attacks and the battery dies. It also kills the two crew members.


Meanwhile, the coward continues to live up to what I called him as when Kate is finished somewhat with the crack, he just tries to leave her behind. Unfortunately for him, the shark is no longer distracted and it is definitely noticing the Sea King moving. Kate comes back to the rest of the students as well as the nerd and the Babbish couple to explain about getting ditched by the coward. They all can only watch as the shark destroys the Sea King.


The coward tries to escape on a life rate, but considering it is inflatable and yellow, you know how well that works.


Some of the more scared students talk about going on the motor boat to help, but with the problems of not enough gas to get anywhere and the shark being heavily attracted to the motor, that would be a death sentence. The shark decides to start basically attacking the coral that is holding this atoll afloat. Two dumbass students separate from the bunch and end up on a dock. They actually think they are safe.

Yoink!!!!

The Babish couple are separated from the rest of the students because of the shark attacking the coral and get trapped. Knowing that they are going to die, they get in one last embrace to remind you that they are married.


And then two of the three names in this movie get eaten.


Most of the atoll is now underwater and the students led by Kate and the nerd have to find shelter, in they find in the church.

Yeah, There Is A Tiny Church On This Atoll

When the shark breaks down the doors to attack, one of the students tries to attack the shark with a cross.

Sir, This Isn’t Sharkula As That Movie Would Be Made Last Year

Another student has a gun that she stole earlier and shoots at it.

Ah Yes….That Tiny Pistol Is Gonna Take Out That Beast, I’m Sure. (Sarcasm)

As imagined neither of those work as the shark eats the girl who had the gun.

Sweetheart….Give Us A Kiss

The herd gets thinned out as more are eaten so we only have 3 left in Kate, the nerd, and a third student as they escape out a window.

As For The Rest Of You Including Guy With The Cross, You Get The Consolation Prize Of Shark Bites

The three survivors find a gas barrel and decide that they can use that to kill the shark.

The nerd takes off his shirt and rings it out in hopes that they get a fuse since the third surviving student has a lighter. But of course they have to light the fuse and some has to lure the shark. Kate volunteers to be the lure. She cuts herself and the blood definitely attracts the shark. The fuse won’t light and Kate has to actually attack the shark.


The no name student decides to tap on the barrell and lure the shark to her which for some reason, actually has the shark ignore Karen attacking it.

And That No Name Student Is Dead

And then somehow, something explodes.

Lame!!!!!!

But the shark is still not dead as the explosion only blew up one of the heads.

Okay…That Shark Should Be Dead Since With All Two Headed Animals, If One Of The Heads Die, The Whole Thing Dies

Kate then starts the still afloat motor boat and then jumps off so the shark will go after the boat.

Are You Kidding Me….That Is A One Headed Shark With No Wound To Reveal It Had To Heads (The Left One Was The One That Blew Up). How Do You Freaking Miss That???!!!!

So the shark bites the boat and the boat explodes, killing the beast once and for all.

So with the nerd and Kate the only two remaining and then a helicopter comes to rescue them thanks to that emergency transponder.


And this whole movie is over.

Due to the fact that Asylum really doesn’t reveal how much these movies made, you won’t find out if it was a flop or not. Nobody in this movie actually did anything noteworthy afterwards, well….not for movies anyway. Brooke Hogan would kind of be a part of a controversy in the same year as a sex tape of her father Hulk Hogan would be released to Gawker thanks to Hulk Hogan’s then friend Bubba The Love Sponge (that’s what he calls himself) as he was in the closet video taping Hulk Hogan having sex with Bubba’s wife. Hogan sued Gawker for illegally obtaining this and he won, putting Gawker out of business. Now you might be asking how this involves Brooke. Well, at the time, Brooke was dating a guy who was African American and the Hulkster was very much pissed off about that and used some very racist language to vent about it. He got into a shit ton of trouble and was fired by WWE before the company brought him back because if you expect pro wrestling to be really pissed off about a racist, you are not really paying attention.

As far as Christopher Ray was concerned, he would make a few more Asylum films before 2015 when he made Mega Shark vs. Kolossus and 3 Headed Shark Attack and that was it with their pairing for several years as he was doing his own thing and didn’t just want to be an Asylum director. But this year, that relationship has been fixed and he will be directing two films for the Asylum. Care to guess what one of them is...

Yep….That One

Thankfully, no one has passed away so now we get to my thoughts on the movie. You know, I saw this movie on SyFy in 2012 and honestly, I did not hate the film back then. However, when I rewatch this movie for the induction, oh boy do the flaws show. The characters are really undistinguishable so most of them I would not even name because it wasn’t worth the name. Some of the dumb moments are really dumb and that moment when I saw the one headed shark for no reason, I lost my shit as I had not noticed that the first time. This is not a good movie although I find it less stupid than Christopher Ray’s last film I inducted Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus.

So now onto the n…

*DVD thrown at him*

Ow....Dammit…

Fuck Off…..I’m Going To Enjoy My Summer

Well, at least I have my next movie and it is….

So….You Want Me To Do Another Shark Movie Directed By Christopher Ray? Okay….

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