Saturday, March 26, 2022

Monster Crap Induction: Thirteen Ghosts (2001)

Monster Crap Inductee: Thirteen Ghosts
Crap In A Glass House

2001

Let’s talk about William Castle.


William Castle was a great horror filmmaker who knew how to make films successful while on the cheap during the 1950s and 1960s and one of the easiest ways he did so was he created gimmicks that made an idea of going to see your movie instead of what was playing a good idea. His very first idea was to give patrons of his first movie Macabre a $1,000 life insurance that he would pay with the help of life insurance kings Lloyds Of London if you just so happened to die of fright during his movie. You may consider it small money, but in the 50s, $1,000 was pretty decent, considering movie tickets were less than a dollar at that time. He then had stuff like a skeleton flying across the screen during The House on Haunted Hill, buzzers on the back of your seat during The Tingler, a fright break where you could leave and get a refund if you were too scared to continue (but you would have to get a Coward’s Certificate) in Homicidal, and other such stuff. Unfortunately this was during the time where one movie would be shown per day and the movie would get passed around so he and his business partners could prepare these contraptions so if you are wondering why it isn’t done today in the age of multiplexes and multiple showings per day, that is why.

But one of the movies he made was a little film called Thirteen Ghosts and it also had a gimmick of you would get glasses so you could see the ghosts because without them, you might have a hard time seeing them.


Now let’s jump ship passed when William Castle passed away in 1977…all the way to the year 1999 and one of William Castle’s classics The House On Haunted Hill would get a pretty good remake, thanks to it being directed and produced by fans of the original who were also competent in their own right like Robert Zemekis (producer), Joel Silver (producer), and William Malone (director). While critics may have hated the movie, the movie made a profit and is considered a 1990s cult classic and just recently got a great blu ray in 2018 by Scream Factory that fans love since the transfer is great.

But we aren’t talking about that film here. Instead, just 2 years later….Robert Zemekis and Joel Silver decided that one again, we should remake another William Castle film with Thirteen Ghosts. Unfortunately, they could not get William Malone to be the director once again and this time settled on a guy who mostly directed commercials in Steve Beck. As far as the cast goes….we got some decent people like Tony Shalhoub (who was just off the cult classic Galaxy Quest), Embeth Davidtz (who was the love interest in Bi-Centennial Man, a movie that nearly killed Robin Williams), and F. Murray Abraham (who was the antagonist in the Academy Award Winning film Amadeus). It also has some people from Monster Crap past.

First we have Matthew Lillard….

Yeah, You May Know Him From Wing Commander, But He Was Also In Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies Go To College.

Yep….His Role As This Guy In Glasses Was His Very First Film Role.

Speaking of first roles, the other person from Monster Crap that stars in this is Shannon Elizabeth as her very first movie role was in 1997’s Jack Frost.

Yep….She Got Raped To Death By The Snowman

We also have other people like Jacob Rupp (who was in Final Destination 3), Charles Andre (who was in The Fog remake), Xantha Rapley (who was in The Fog remake), and while uncredited…Ken Kirzinger.

Yeah, He Was The Cook Jason Chucked Into The Restaurant Mirror In Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan

With all that out of the way, let’s get to the movie itself.

We begin this movie in a junkyard in the middle of the night.

And We Get Our Title Card….Although The “Ghosts” Is Shining It’s Light On Me.

Thank God I’m Not A Mogwai

Suddenly, this junkyard with lots of police tape is set upon by a truck and people working for a man named Cyrus Kriticos.


His head subordinate here is a man named Dennis Rafkin.


Just So There Is No Hard Feelings, I Don’t Hate Matthew Lillard. He Honestly Was A Cool Guy When I Met Him And Got His Autograph. It Just Didn’t Work Out When They Tried To Put Him In Any Theatrical Film In The Late 90s-Early 2000s They Could Get Him For Besides Scream. It Happens…

Anyway, he has psychic power and feels the presence of this ghost and knows it has killed more people since his death. He tells Cyrus they should get out of here, but Cyrus refuses. He then points Cyrus to where this ghost is that he is looking for and yeah….

You Can Tell By The Editing That This Was Directed By A Guy Who Only Directed Music Videos Before This.

Cyrus has them bring in the cube, which is this movie’s version of a ghost trap.


Dennis touches Cyrus and sees some stuff from later in the film.


Cyrus gets mad at him and tells him not to get too curious into his affairs. His crew captures two trespassers named Kalina and Damon.


They think what Cyrus is doing is wrong and Kalina says they shouldn’t be caged since they are human beings. Dennis corrects her by saying they are dead human beings and tells her that she should join Green Peace and throw blood on old women’s fur coats. Damon tells him he will never pull this off without the right spell and the thirteenth ghost. This is of course news to Dennis who says they were only contracted to catch 12 ghosts, but Cyrus tells Dennis he said 12 and then one more afterwards….making fun of Dennis for not seeing this lie coming. He then tells his men to release the bait, which is a truck spraying blood.


Cyrus then puts on his special glasses.

Yeah, Something They Kept From The Original Film Was The Glasses Needed To See The Ghosts.

Cyrus then has then men playing recordings of incantations and before long, people start getting killed by this ghost.


We then finally see this ghost.


He kills more people, but is eventually caught in the cube.


Unfortunately, there are some major deaths like Damon dying.


Also Cyrus got killed.


We then go to Cyrus’ nephew Arthur and his wife Jean as they watch kids Kathy and Bobby play.


Then through sound effects of a fire and screaming (I guess they didn’t have the budget for an actual house fire) that Jean died in a fire and Arthur is now living in an apartment with the kids and is in massive debt.


Oh and the kids also have a live in nanny named Maggie Bess.


I guess we have to talk about Rah Digga (who plays Maggie). She was a longtime member of a group called The Flipmode Squad, which was led by Busta Rhymes. She is considered one of rap’s most prominent and skilled female MCs….and if you want to know my knowledge of the rap game, I had honestly never heard of her. So I won’t say much more because if I did, you probably would call me not cool at all.

Sorry…

Bobby apparently has a strange fascination with deaths that are on the newspaper. Also, despite being the live in nanny, Maggie is a terrible cook. Suddenly, they are visited by a lawyer named Benjamin “Ben” Moss, who apparently represented Cyrus.


Arthur is informed of the death of his uncle Cyrus and that Cyrus left his whole mansion to Arthur with no need to pay any of the bills for the place. Oh and they play a message of him saying he regrets he didn’t spend more time with him and his family.

Yeah, Technology Really Has Gone A Long Way Since 21 Years Ago.

They go to the mansion (while we also see Kalina packing up for something) and the mansion is….unique to say the least.

Yeah….I Don’t Know About This Glass House With Writings All Over It. For One Thing…Not Much Privacy Considering The Lawyer Said Cyrus Was A Very Private Person.

There is apparently a electrician who needs to look at the circuit boards of the place since the house is apparently causing power outages in the “whole tri-state area”.

Obviously, This Is Just Dennis In A Terrible Disguise

Ben tries to send this electrician on his way, but Arthur lets him in since he does own the house now. When Arthur puts in the key, we notice that the house has some strange mechanism. The family, the lawyer, and the “electrician” look over the place. Arthur tells his family not to leave this room with the spinning floor until he and Ben go over the papers for the property.

Yeah, They Don’t Listen At All And Go Exploring

Arthur then tells Ben that he wants to know the circumstances to owning this place since they are not in the best way financially. Ben assures Arthur that the place is all paid for and there are no problems that he will meet on the financial end. Meanwhile, Dennis is in the basement and he notices that the basement is where the ghosts are locked up.

Here Are Some Of Them That You Can See Clearly Without Flashing BS

We go to Bobby, Kathy, and Maggie as they look upstairs and now decide to split up. Also, Arthur is about to sign the papers, but he is stopped by Dennis, who reveals who he really is. Ben then tries to tell Arthur that Dennis is just some crackpot who stalked his office. Arthur has a hard time believing Dennis’ whole spiel about ghosts and all. Dennis warns Arthur to get his family and get out of this big glass house. Dennis starts convulsing as he sees spirits and Arthur touching him makes it worse as he sees Jean getting burned in the fire (which will be extra important later). Oh and somehow, Ben disappears.

Back upstairs, both Kathy and Bobby choose their rooms while Maggie finds one of those special glasses, which she gives to Bobby. Then we see Ben going down the stairs and putting on the glasses to taunt the ghosts so whatever Cyrus plan was, Ben is fully in on. We then see some other ghosts that we haven’t seen before like this kid ghost with an arrow through his head and this naked redhead ghost with cuts.

Or That May Be Blood Drenched All Over Her Hair

Ben enters a room with a strange giant contraption that we’ll see layer and grabs a suitcase full of money.


Of course he doesn’t realize that suitcase was booby trapped and now the whole house and doors start moving on their own.


Unfortunately now everyone is locked in as the doors to the outside are now closed and locked. Ben is weirded out by all of this and soon sees that the ghost whose tits he liked is now out.

Yep…Going To Have To Get The Black Box Out Again

He backs away as this woman of course has a knife and he gets split in two by the doors closing on him.

Cool Kill, But I Really Don’t Know About The Effect. Part Of It Looks Practical And Part Of It Looks CGI. Maybe It Could Be Both.

Arthur and Dennis are now looking for the kids and the nanny as of course, they didn’t do what Arthur told them to do. Now Bobby is looking around on his own with his scooter and since Kathy doesn’t have the glasses, she doesn’t know that the bloodied ghosts with cuts is in her bathroom.


We also see the giant machine that I was talking about earlier.


Kathy then runs the bath that the ghost is already in.

Too Late To Apologize Now Movie. Also, Yeah...That Black Box Might Not Have Been Required, But Better Safe Than Sorry.

Before anything too weird (or sexy) can happen, Arthur comes barging in, upset that his daughter didn’t listen to him. Kathy says Bobby is with Maggie, but Maggie says he was with her and is now on his own as she lost him.

Maggie Should Be Fired As She Is A Terrible Nanny

A door to leading to the main floor opens up and a voice beckons Bobby to come down.  Another voice tells Bobby not to go downstairs, but Bobby doesn’t listen to that ghost and while he has the glasses on, doesn’t see this hanging ghost.


Arthur then tells Kathy and Maggie that he will find Bobby, but the two of them need to get out of this house. Oh, and now Arthur realizes that they are locked in so no chance of leaving the house. Arthur tries to break the glass, but the glass is shatter proof. Dennis shows up and tells them it is no use and he has tried to find a way out, but there isn’t one. Arthur tells Dennis he needs to come with them as while he doesn’t know what is going on, but until he does, Dennis isn’t leaving his sight.

Meanwhile, Bobby finds the hanging ghosts and runs, but he then finds a ghost that has been cut to parts.


Bobby runs, but he eventually runs into a door being shut.


He gets waken up by the ghost of his mom.

Yep….She Is One Of The Ghosts Here.

Bobby then sees Cyrus’ ghost and he is taken away.


Dennis warns the family that the entire basement is filled with ghosts and the two ladies are having just as much of a problem believing this as Arthur is. While walking, Maggie notices some strange glowing writing on the floor. When Dennis gets the glasses and looks, he says the writings are incantations used so ghosts can’t pass them. Arthur is about to go downstairs, but Dennis stops him by again reminding him that there are ghosts down there. Arthur doesn’t give a damn as he cares more about looking for his son. Arthur then tells Dennis that he will pay him whatever Cyrus owes him if he helps him and his family (all of them) get out of here. Dennis agrees to that.

In the basement, Arthur wants them to split up. Arthur and Kathy go one way while Dennis and Maggie go another way. We follow Maggie and Dennis and we see another ghost.

I Gotta Admit, The Look Of This Ghost, The Look Of The Head & Torso Ghost, And The Look Of The Ghost That Is Naked And Cut Up…..They Look Pretty Awesome So Obviously This Movie Used Practical Effects At Times.

They leave, but not before Dennis flips off this ghost with the spikes.


With Arthur and Kathy, they find Bobby’s recorder and the glasses. Kathy puts on the glasses and gets attacked by this ghost with his head in a cage.


Arthur doesn’t know what is going on as all he sees is his daughter getting scratched up and stuff. Thankfully, Kalina arrives and chases the ghost away with flares.


They are able to get Kathy away and a door closes to stop the caged head ghost from following.


Kalina introduces herself and explains she is in the business of freeing trapped souls, which was what Cyrus did with 12 of them. Arthur wonders what she is doing here and Kalina says that it looks like she is saving their ass. She has Kathy give Arthur the glasses so he can see what was attacking his daughter and when he sees it, he is shocked. Kalina calls this one of Cyrus’ victims and hopes the barrier spell holds. Arthur wants to know how she got in here and Kalina says she slipped in through an opening when the house was shifting, but don’t go back since that is now closed.

Dennis and Maggie though have to run away from the cut up naked ghost as she has a knife. Back with the other three, Kalina shows them a book of the arcane and that this whole house is a machine that holds ghosts and there must be thirteen ghosts for the spell to be finished with there only being 12 ghosts right now. Arthur does care about doing any of this and goes to talk to Kathy, but Kathy just disappears.

We’ll See Her Later

The shifting house separates Dennis from Maggie, but not before Dennis gives Maggie his glasses. Dennis then gets attacked by the screwed up ghost with the bat that we saw a while ago.


Thankfully, Dennis gets away and now that ghost is trapped again. Dennis also reunites with Maggie after that brief separation. They go upstairs and they see the midget mother and her giant baby, with the baby having a axe.

Oh Come On, They Are Just Wanting To Axe A Question.


Waka Waka

Kalina gets up through a hole in the floor and has to get Arthur up as well before he gets attacked by the ghost with spikes in him that just got released. They have to run from the ghost with the caged head that scratches the shit out of Arthur’s back.

What A Heel!!!!

They also have to run from a new ghost with a pillory.


Now in the library, Kalina and Dennis yell at each other and it becomes revealed to Arthur that one of the ghosts Cyrus has locked up in here (thanks to Dennis) is Arthur’s dead wife.

Arthur Rightfully Decks Dennis

After more yelling, Kalina finally reveals all the ghosts that are here.

The First Born Son

The Torso

The Bound Woman

The Withered Lover AKA Jean

The Torn Prince

The Angry Princess

The Pilgrimess

The Great Child And The Dire Mother

The Hammer

The Jackal

The Juggernaut

Yeah, some of those images might look like they don’t match with each other, but that is how this film presents it. Also, you can get more information on each ghost on how they got this way, but you would need the DVD and quite honestly, if I explained each of them…this induction would be way too longer than it already is.

Basically this whole house is a machine that opens the Eye Of Hell with these 12 ghosts, with the user becoming the most powerful man in the world. Dennis then says that Cyrus told him that he needs 13. Kalina then brushes that off in saying the thirteenth ghost is only a failsafe, which they may need to stop this, which is a willing sacrifice.

The Broken Heart

Dennis then basically says that this must mean that Arthur is the thirteenth ghost. Basically Dennis needs to leap into the eye to short circuit it and stop the whole process from happening. Maggie says that there must be another way, but Kalina is insistent that the only way Arthur can save the lives of his children is trade his life for theirs. Dennis then wants to find a different way, but sadly he does not read Latin. Kalina then has another way, which is blowing up the whole machine, but no one will live.


Dennis and Arthur decide to go out to find Arthur’s kids while Kalina and Maggie go to blow the place up. Arthur and Dennis of course take a piece of glass with writing on it so they can block any ghost from killing them.


We follow Maggie and Kalina and they find Ben’s body.


Dennis and Arthur run into the Torn Prince, who tries to hit them several times with his bat, but the glass repels his efforts.


Maggie and Kalina enter the main controls of the machine. Cyrus’ ghost shows up and Kalina knocks Maggie out with the book revealing she has been working with Cyrus all along and killed Damon earlier.

A Swerve Only Vince Russo Would Approve Of

And I say that because this really makes no sense other than another reveal later. She went through all that work with Damon and has all those explosives, and she has been in league with Cyrus the whole time.

Oh and apparently, you don’t need glasses to see Cyrus’ ghost as the two just start making out like those glasses are pointless with him.


Folks, I guess I better bring this up. In my opinion, every movie runs under its own universe with its own rules and such so this whole thing about the Juggernaut ghost from earlier still killing people like it is nothing years later was all fine with me. But when you make rules in your own movie, there is one thing you very much have to do and that is don’t break those rules because you were stuck in a corner here. This movie, by having ghosts be seen without the glasses, did that one thing you shouldn’t do. So now the whole suspension of belief for this movie jumped right out of top floor of a building and went splat on the ground.

Back to the movie, we also learn that Kalina was lying and the thirteenth ghost is needed to complete Cyrus’ plan to control the Eye Of Hell so he needs Arthur to kill himself by running into the eye (of course praying to the lord almighty that one of the other ghosts doesn’t kill Arthur first). We see that Arthur only cares about the spells via a recording as he yells at Kalina when he thinks she doesn’t have them, but then calms down when he finds out she does.

We see that Dennis has a vision and then we see that The Hammer sees them.


Dennis then decides that he is going to put Arthur behind the glass in a corner and sacrifice himself.

Saying He Needs A Reason To Like Himself Before He Dies.

But it isn’t only The Hammer who is going to kill him, but on the other end, The Juggernaut gets released.

He’s The Juggernaut, Bitch.


Yeah, I’m Totally Cool

The Hammer and The Juggernaut kill Dennis as Arthur screams for him not to die.


Cyrus tells Kalina to put the kids in jeopardy when he hears that Arthur won’t sacrifice himself until they are in jeopardy. Kalina is hesitant, but relents to Cyrus’ demands. Cyrus plays the tape of incantations which brings all the ghosts to the circle around the so called Eye Of Hell. Arthur sees his wife before she is summoned to the circle as well.

Cyrus and Kalina leave, but Kalina gets trapped and the walls start closing in. Cyrus says that everyone needs to make sacrifices and leaves Kalina to get crushed by the walls in an

In An Unnaturally CGI Way

The circle finally reveals the way it will kill someone if it tries to enter the center as the center is shown to have Arthur’s kids tied up.


Arthur puts on the glasses and sees all the ghosts in a circle.


As the kids are begging for help, Arthur finally sees his uncle Cyrus, who he doesn’t need the glasses to see.


Arthur tries to attack, but his uncle kicks his ass. He then taunts him that he is nothing compared to him and how he needs to embrace his purpose to become the thirteenth ghost by jumping in the machine to protect his kids. But suddenly, the incantation tape stops.

Yeah, You Might Not Have Wanted To Leave Maggie In The Room With The Controls As She May Decide To Try Some DJ Work With Them.

Now that the ghosts are no longer in control, they go after the man who trapped them in this place (Cyrus) and throw him into the eye so he gets chopped into pieces.


With the wrong guy jumping into the ring, the whole machine starts going haywire. Dennis’ ghost shows up and tells Arthur that he needs to go rescue his kids since the center of the eye is the safest place in this house.


The machine starts destroying itself with Maggie in the center so you think she is dead.


With the ring starting to slow down, Arthur is able to jump into the ring to save his kids.


With them all in the eye, they are safe as the house is totally destroyed.


Most of the ghosts go away to haunt other places as Arthur and the kids have not a scratch on them from the house getting destroyed.

Yeah, Considering All That Glass, That Is Hard To Believe. And The Scratches On Kathy Are From The Jackal Earlier So They Don’t Count.

Arthur and the kids get to say goodbye to Jean’s ghost as she goes to heaven.

No Glasses Needed

Oh and before this movie ends, we get one final BS moment as Maggie is revealed to be still alive and says she quits.


And thus this movie ends.

So would there be more remakes of William Castle properties by this crew like maybe The Tingler, Mr. Sardonicus, or I Saw What You Did (yes, I know there was already a remake in 1988 to this one)? Not really because while this film did make its budget back, it was still considered a financial disappointment and since the reviews weren’t kind either, there really was no reason to continue with this idea. But remake-sploitation would continue with companies like Platinum Dunes basically making remakes as its business model before they stopped.

As far as the cast and director go, Steve Beck (the director) would direct one more movie which would also be a box office disappointment so he went back to doing music videos and never directed a feature film again.

Yeah, I’d Call It A Career Too After This. And Just So You Know, I Have This Film On DVD So Maybe I’ll Get Around To Doing That Induction Soon.

Shannon Elizabeth (who played Kathy) would only be in two more horror movie Cursed (which pissed people off that it was just a cameo despite trailers making it seem she might have a bigger part) and the Night of the Demons remake before deciding that she really doesn’t like being in horror movies. Matthew Lillard (who played Dennis) lasted a bit longer in the limelight before he decided he preferred doing the voice of Shaggy from the Scooby Doo cartoons. This would be Rah Digga’s only feature film acting gig as after playing Maggie in this film, she decided that acting wasn’t for her.

But it wasn’t bad for everyone. F. Murray Abraham (who played Cyrus) has been doing fine as he has enough of a career to survive something like this film. Tony Shalhoub (who played Arthur) would keep doing character acting roles well and eventually would get his big break by being in the hit TV show Monk.

Proof That If You Work Long Enough And Well As A Character Actor, A Big Role That You Can Sink Your Teeth Into Will Eventually Come

JR Bourne (who played Ben) would keep getting roles as well and while it wasn’t the starring role in a hit series, it would be a still important role in a hit TV series as he was Chris Argent in the MTV series Teen Wolf, a dramatic reinterpretation of that Michael J. Fox film that I still have no idea how it became a hit.

He Also Has A Niece Who Has Cystic Fibrosis So He Has Been A Huge Champion Of The Cystic Fibrosis Foundation And Has Used This Role As A Platform To Raise Money And Awareness To The Cause. I Know I Usually Am Negative On People, But I Take Back All My Feelings On Teen Wolf Because If It Helps Him, That Is Great.

And there is one more person who was able to succeed after this although this one is kind of a big deal to Canadian TV viewers. And that person is Craig Olejnik (who played The Torn Prince) as in 2009, he would become the lead in the hit Canadian TV Show The Listener.

From Torn Prince To Listener, Sometimes You Get Lucky

No deaths so we can get to my final thoughts on this movie. For a quick watch, it is fine despite that moment where you lose all suspension of disbelief. But from an analytical perspective, this is not a good movie. The CG is really bad, some of the acting is bad (namely Rah Digga), the music video style editing is annoying as all hell and yeah, that suspension of belief ruining moment really REALLY hurts. The good I can say is that Tony Shalhoub is awesome as usual and I’m glad he would get bigger roles later. Also, the makeup effects are really good and really make the ghosts look terrifying if you saw them for real. This is a film I really wish was better than it was, but sadly it is just forgettable in the end and can get lost in the loads of other films that are out there. You have to stand out as a remake and this one does not stand out.

So for the next…

Son Of A Bitch!!!

What?

You are getting a movie that might be fun!!!

Nice…I might get a good one.

Oh no…you are getting a bad film. But you are getting a bad film with an actor you will have some enjoyment talking about.

Oh I know which film you are talking about and considering there may be a movie upcoming starring him that I am very much looking forward to, this maybe the perfect time to talk about it.

I wanted you to have no enjoyment since I am going to be out until the end of freaking November!!! But instead I get this.

Yep…We Are Doing A Nicolas Cage Film.

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