Saturday, December 28, 2019

Monster Crap Inductee: Beyond Atlantis (1973)

Monster Crap Induction: Beyond Atlantis
Just Keep Swimming

1973

Well, I gave you all a choice on what to induct to honor the late Sid Haig and for a while, it was close although one film was leading most of the way, but two days before closing, this film came in from 0 votes and won the whole damn poll.

The movie we are talking about is Beyond Atlantis and it is one of the few films that was made in the Philippines during the 70s that is a family picture. But originally, that wasn’t the case. Originally, it was going to be a film where our treasure hunters find an underwater city and everyone, including the women, were topless. That of course didn’t happen for two reasons. The first was money and the second was because of Patrick Wayne, John Wayne’s son who they were able to get for this film, but it had to be family friendly or he would have no part in it. So cross out the entire topless women idea. With that out of the way, they were also able to get George Nader to the film. George Nader, now where have I heard that name before.

Yep….That Would Be Where I Have Heard That Name From

John Ashley is also in this movie and while also a producer, he was almost the director of this film as well, but decided acting, producing, and directing this film that they wanted to be ambitious, was too much for him so the directing honors went to Eddie Romero. To round out the main cast was Leigh Christian, Lenore Stevens, Vic Diaz, and or course since this entire induction is in his honor, Sid Haig.

Now, I know some of you are waiting for me to ring up Cyndi Seidelman at Game Show Garbage….I mean, Game Show Gumbo, for some info about Patrick Wayne since he did do some game show hosting duties, but that stuff happened after this film so I will wait. Now let’s get into this induction.

We start this film with a woman named Syrene being sailed to an island.


And we get the title screen as well.


The man who sailed her there is a man named Manuel.


Meanwhile, they are being watched by people with fish like eyes.

Or ET, You Make The Call.

Manuel unloads the cargo that Syrene brought with her. When Manuel asks for his pay for this trip, she gives him a very small pouch.

Here’s Some Premium Cocaine, Don’t Snort It All In One Day

Manuel thanks her for the payment and leaves the island on his boat. Of course, we then see the fish eyed people come towards Syrene and help her with the luggage as she is this tribe’s princess. She goes to the main base and meets her kingly father, Nereus.

You May Think Being King To A Bunch Of People With Bad Eye Prosthetics Is Bad, But Once I Had To Battle A Guy In A Gorilla Suit With A Aquanaut Helmet So This Is Nothing.

Nereus tells his daughter they caught an intruder on the island.


Nereus says that according to the laws of their people, he must die. The intruder tries to run away, but a fish eyed man kills him with a thrown spear to the back.

On My Trip To Hawaii Two Years Ago, They Had A Spot Where You Could Try To Throw Spears At A Target. Let’s Just Say The People Who One Handedly Chuck Those Spears Must Have Some Talent To Do So Because I Couldn’t Do It.

And that’s the end of that scene as we go to 70s Filipino civilization as we see some attractive women give what looks like a pimp the money they made.

Sid Haig Wants His Fucking Money. You Don’t Want To Know What Happens When You Don’t Pay Sid His Money.

Manuel arrives back to civilization and he immediately heads to a bar. He goes over to a bunch of guys that includes the pimp from less than a minute ago and asks about a guy named Quintero. The pimp tells him there was a change in management and Quintero is dead so the pimp is now in charge. The pimp’s name is East Eddie as there is a West Eddie too (but we never see him in this movie). Manuel then tries to sell Eddie the pouch which has pearls in them, that go for a bit of money on the market.


Eddie pays Manuel 500 pesos and wonders where he got the pearls from, but Manuel only says he got it from an islander from an island he does not know the name of (oh, he does…but you know he isn’t giving that info up). Eddie gives him some extra money for having an honest face and tells him if he finds any more of those pearls, then to sell them to East Eddie.

We then see some cock fighting.

Just In Case You’re Wondering, This Is Real So If You Know Anything About Cock Fighting, One Of These Roosters Really Died On Screen. The 1970s Were Really Lax On On-Screen Animal Abuse.

Eddie arrives at this event and meets with a guy who works for him named Logan, who loses money on this cock fight.

Also The Name Of X-Men’s Wolverine And The Name Of My Youngest Nephew.

Logan is able to get East Eddie to get him out of trouble for having no money to pay for the lost bet. The two then talk while Eddie is getting some hardcore massages.

Like Some Real Massaging That Doesn’t Look Fun And Hurts At First, But You Do Feel Real Good Afterwards

Eddie asks if Logan can fence it and Logan says he can do so easily. The two talk about a deal where they can find the source of the pearls and split the money, although it has to be three ways as Eddie has another person that he wants to work on this job since he knows the islands. Logan tries to get him to not use that person so they can split it 50-50 (Logan is very greedy in this film), but Eddie is insistent. That third man is this man.

My Daddy Was “The Duke”

Actually, this character is Vic Matthias, a guy who owns a boat. He and Logan have some history, although it does not stop Vic from accepting the deal to charter him and Eddie to the island for a third of the profit for him and his first mate. Logan then plays blackjack and meets with a woman who overheard the conversation between Vic and Logan in Kathy Vernon.


She wants to speak with Logan at her place tomorrow morning, which Logan agrees to. Of course, talks are cut short as this casino was apparently illegally run and the law man has come by to bust the joint.

You Broke The Law And The Law Won

The two almost get busted, but Logan fights off the cops and they run while confirming the plan for tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and they meet at a museum where Kathy reveals what she knows about the planned voyage that may not be legal. She also wants in on the trip, but doesn’t want any of the money since she is a researcher who wants to find some people from an ancient civilization who she thinks are the source of the pearls.

That Mask In The Museum Also Being From The Same People That She Is Looking For. Remember That Mask For Later.

We go to the boat and everyone gives Logan guff for Kathy being here too, but Logan quickly explains that she kind of knows everything about their planned trip and only wants to discover a lost tribe of people and doesn’t want in on the pearls.

It Only Lasts A Millisecond So This Shot Was Hard To Get, But It Definitely Shows That Sid Haig Only Needs That Little Time To Show That He Is A Bit Annoyed With This Situation That Logan Put Them In With Kathy.

Kathy is allowed on the boat and Eddie wants to leave before the whole damn city boards them. They set sail.


Of course the first place they have to go is the village where Manuel is, to rough him up in hopes that he gives out the location of the island.


Manuel is forced to give up the location of the island and we immediately set sail for that island. They arrive at the island to see it abandoned, although the smoke from the fireplace is warm so it means the villagers went into hiding. Kathy goes to take some pictures of some of the statues.


As dark is coming, they decide to go back to the boat and rest the night. Meanwhile, we get the first of many segments involving underwater swimming.


The next day, Vic and Logan go underwater and more swimming occurs.


On the island, Eddie goes to explore with Kathy and a bunch of his men. Unfortunately for Eddie, he springs a trap and falls through a hole.


In this trap is a crap load of crabs that attack Eddie.


They eventually get the crabs off Eddie and get him out of the pit. Eddie’s response is to shoot at the pit and faint because those crabs left quite the marks on him. After that………

More Swimming

Of course, Vic and Logan see all the swimming and Syrene hints that they should come to them. Once they get on shore, Syrene asks what they are doing on her island. Logan reveals that they are looking for pearls. Vic says that they don’t want to cause any trouble, just get some pearls and get out of there. Syrene asks what would happen if all the pearls on the island belong to someone else. Vic says there must be more pearls and no one is going to keep them from looking. Syrene says she will show them to the pearls. Vic wonders how she can stay underwater with no gear, but that is all interrupted when Eddie, Kathy and Eddie’s men come over talking about what they went through.

Syrene apologizes and says they must have fallen into a storage pit that they use to keep food. Kathy says that pit wasn’t there last night and Syrene just says that Kathy is mistaken. Suddenly, the villagers surround our outsiders. Syrene then says that she welcomes them as a spokesman for her people to the island of Atari.

They Probably Have To Initiate People With Some Old School Frogger

Nereus comes and welcomes them to the island and reveals that Syrene is his daughter. He tells them that they should stay at the guest huts. So you remember that whole thing about intruding on their island being punishable by death? Well, you have more memory than they do.

Meanwhile, a villager cuts the line to their boat so it drifts away.


The first mate of the boat tries to go back, but is attacked and killed.


They have a funeral for the first mate who they believe just drowned. Afterwards, can you guess what is next?

More Swimming

As Syrene surfaces, Logan is wondering if they can trust her. Vic says they don’t know, but they might as well go anyway. Then it is more swimming to get some pearls.

I’m Starting To Wonder If This Is One Of Dory’s Favorite Movies

Meanwhile, Kathy goes out exploring the woods and meets a villager with a goat.


She goes up to the villager who throws the goat into the water. Unfortunately for the goat, that water is filled with piranha (or cannibal fish as this film calls it).


Except piranha are not called cannibal fish. A certain species of lancetfish are called cannibal fish.

Little Bit Of A Difference

The villager also tells her to mind her own business when she starts asking questions or she will not be welcome on this island. Back on the boat (I guess at some point, they got the boar back), Logan is ecstatic about finding a number of pearls on the island. Eddie is also extremely happy with the pearls. He says that since they got 10 minutes of air left, they need to go back down and get more pearls.

If You Are Wondering, Yes….Sid Haig Is The Best Part Of This Film

Kathy does some more exploring and sees that there is another mask like the one at the museum.


Kathy is about to touch it, but Nereus shows up and yells at her not to touch it. A villager is about to come at Kathy, but Nereus tells him to leave her alone. Nereus tells Kathy that she needs to be careful when exploring the island as there are places she should not be at. He also tells her to stay at the guest huts and beaches.

Back at the hut, Vic and Eddie think they should leave now, but Logan wants to get more pearls. They talk about what they want to spend on the pearls and Vic then leaves to ask Kathy if she wants a refill of coffee.


Kathy starts to piece together that she thinks the inhabitants on this island are descendants of the lost city of Atlantis. Of course, Vic finds this news hard to believe. Vic asks about the fish eyes and Kathy can only guess it is from inbreeding or the environment causing it. If it is incest, Vic then wonders why Nereus and Syrene don’t have them. Kathy then just says she is just making guesses as she doesn’t know nearly enough about them and says she will find out because she must. And then guess what is next. Come on, you’ll never guess.

MORE SWIMMING!!!

Yep, Syrene, Vic, and Logan are once again getting more pearls.

Also More Eddie Being Happy.

And then….this might need some explaining. Remember when I said that the original idea was of topless men and women in an attempt to make this an exploitation film, but the only way they could get Patrick Wayne is they had to make this more family friendly. And I said at some point, this will come back to basically make this film confusing? Well, here it is. Nereus tells Syrene that she must mate with one of the men to continue their civilization.

What?

Yep….and while Syrene has some qualms about doing this, Nereus says she better choose quickly or he will have all of the outsiders on this island killed.

Afterwards, Vic, Logan, and Eddie talk about the haul they now have and how it will make them lots of money. Of course, Logan still wants more. Logan says that even if the tribe has issues with them robbing them blind, they can take care of all of them with the firepower they have. Vic doesn’t want to murder anyone over pearls. Eddie finally tells the two to stop as this arguing isn’t getting them any place. Logan then accuses Vic of planning to double cross them and getting a bigger share than promised by coming back and getting more. Vic tells Logan that he is losing his mind and Logan has to be restrained by Eddie. Eddie then reminds them that they are all equal partners. Eddie says he has the deciding vote and he votes they stay for now. Vic then puts a line on the crate holding all the pearls and says once they reach that line, they should all have shares of $50,000 worth and when that happens, he is done.

That night, Syrene looks over a sleeping Vic as she obviously wants him to let her mate with him. He wakes up and wonders what is wrong, which he says nothing.

Obviously Wanting Some Duke Lineage For Her Descendants

She then tries to make her move and show Vic that she loves him. She also wants to leave the island so she can be a real woman and not a tool for the survival of the tribe. Vic is thankful for her feelings towards him, but he sadly cannot return those feelings to her because he does not love her, but he is still willing to help her get off the island. Syrene runs off, upset about the rejection.

The next morning, Vic walks down the beach and talks with Kathy. Kathy wants to leave the island soon since she is starting to get afraid of the place, but she isn’t sure she should leave just yet. Vic tells her that there is nothing that says she can’t come back since with all the knowledge she has gained about these people, she should have no problem getting a research expedition to come back here. Kathy invites Vic to be a part of it and Vic says she might need a bigger boat to carry all the equipment needed for the research. Kathy still wants him to go and we see that the two are in love with each other.


And they go swimming while Syrene watches on, knowing that Vic loves someone else.

Aw…..I Wanted To Be The Duke’s Daughter-In-Law

The next scene after that is her getting smacked around by a villager for not choosing someone to mate yet while telling her she must mate.

Wow…..

Nereus comes in and tells them to stop beating up on his daughter and then tells Syrene calmly that she must mate.

The next day, Syrene tells Vic and the others that she has a final place where they can get pearls. They all agree to have Vic and Logan go with her so you know what that means.

If You Guessed More Swimming, You Are Probably As Annoyed About This Padding As I Am

Oh and Logan then passes out as he ran out of air and tried coming up way too fast, which ultimately ruptures his eardrums. That is why if you scuba dive, you cannot swim up fast because if you don’t have someone to help you get back in that situation, you will drown.


Vic and Syrene take Logan back to the beach to breathe and get better while the two of them continue to look for more pearls. That is when Syrene starts swimming sexily around Vic.


She puts him in a trance and while she is making out with him, two villagers put a net over the two before the scene goes to black. Yep….they just implied that Syrene raped Vic.

Family Friendly, My Ass!!!!

We go back and Vic is now back on the beach and Kathy wakes him up. She wonders what happens and of course, he doesn’t know. And if you are wondering if this will ever be resolved somehow, nope. Vic just got raped and this film is going to move on.

Kathy Thinks Syrene is like A Siren Of Mythology. Google It If You Don’t Know What That Is….Although For Most Of You, I Think You Do.

So they start packing to leave, but Kathy decides to do some more investigating back to where the piranhas were and of course, she gets caught in a net that was booby trapped.


Vic, Logan, and Eddie hear Kathy’s screams and go to save her before she falls in and gets eaten by the fish.


But this was all a distraction so the villagers could make sure they never leave the island by getting rid of the boat. Logan and Vic are about to have another argument when thankfully, they get bailed out by Manuel and his friends who also have a boat and snuck onto the island.


And Manuel will help them for a small share of the pearls. Since they are in no room to negotiate, they agree to his terms. They then decide that since they can’t stroll down to Manuel’s boat since they are probably being watched, they need a diversion and what is that diversion.

BLOW THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR SACRED TEMPLE!!!!

Then they just stand there and just shoot at the natives that are coming at them.

I Would Love To Know How This Is In Anyway A Diversion

Well, it is a diversion for Kathy and Eddie who run to Manuel’s boat. Unfortunately, they get separated because there are villagers after them and Eddie has the bright idea of leading the villagers to chase him as Kathy runs off on her own.

And Somehow Change Clothes Too

Vic decides to run off and also help Eddie and Kathy. Vic then fights a villager and throws the villager into the piranha.


Kathy runs alone by a nearby pond and Syrene attacks, attempting to drown her competition to Vic.


So in this fight in the water between a regular petite woman and a woman who can somehow breathe longer underwater, who wins? If you predicted Syrene, you would understand logic….but you would also be wrong as Kathy ends up strangling Syrene to death.


Vic helps Kathy up and leaves with her to get Manuel’s boat. Syrene’s body is found by the villagers and Nereus, who is visibly upset that his only daughter and way to keep his tribe alive is dead before she could give birth to the future of the tribe.

STELLA….I MEAN SYRENE!!!!!!!

As all the outsiders prepare to leave on Manuel’s boat, the villagers and Nereus have a funeral march for Syrene.


Logan decides to be a piece of shit and grab the net of pearls from Syrene’s body. The villagers want to kill him, but Nereus dejectedly tells the villagers to let him take them since the pearls mean nothing to them now.


Kathy is upset that she destroyed her entire life’s work by killing any way for this tribe that was descended from Atlantis to continue to exist.

Yeah, You Kinda Did.

Vic fights Logan to give the net of pearls back to the funeral march, but Eddie comes in and shows his true colors as he also wants more money with the pearls.


Eddie yells at him that this is all business. The funeral march heads to the sea and goes under.


So Logan falls asleep on the boat when he is suddenly awoken by Manuel and his friends, who have decided to tie everyone up and now make a new deal that they get most of the pearls and they get like 50 of them.


Eddie and Logan attack Manuel. In the struggle, the pearls fall into the sea and are all the way in the deep.


Logan wants to get them, but he can’t go that deep without his eardrums rupturing again. He wants to go get them with a new crew and with the only thing you destroyed an entire civilization’s future for at the bottom of the ocean, what does everyone do?

Laugh, Dammit.

As they all laugh and Logan talks about how unfair all of this is, this movie finally ends.

This movie was a bomb despite having a budget of $200,000 to $250,000, which John Ashley attributed to the movie being PG, which was the only way they could get Patrick Wayne.

As far as the aftermath goes, not much happened. This would be George Nader’s last film as he decided to retire in 1974 after sustaining an eye injury and developing glaucoma. Sid Haig would continue to be in roles that type-cast him before retiring to become a hypnotherapist in the 90s, before having returned to acting and having a renaissance with guys like Tarentino and Zombie thanks to the fact that while he was easily type-castable, he was always something special and they respected him.

Patrick Wayne was the only other person who had a notable aftermath and for that aftermath, I decided to call in Cyndi Seidelman from Game Show Gumbo to talk about him. Cyndi?

Absolutely. After Beyond Atlantis, he’s do a lot of westerns and B-movies. In 1980, he would host his own syndicated variety show called The Monte Carlo Show with this thing as its mascot that he’d talk to every show.

That’s The Mascot. No, Seriously. That Was Patrick’s Co-Host.

And yet people thought what would happen in 1990 would be the low point.

After the cancellation of The Monte Carlo Show, he’d continue to do movies and on the side do a lot of game shows like Hollywood Squares, Password Plus, and Bullseye where he would drop the bomb that he’d been working with producers on hosting a few game show pilots. Well, after years of doing more TV roles & movies such as Young Guns, he got his hosting job where he’d become the host of Tic Tac Dough in 1990. He has been constantly mocked for being one of the worst hosts of all time for being insanely over the top and fake. But, all things turn out okay as he’s now the head of the John Wayne Cancer Institute.

Thanks, Cyndi. Now sadly, at almost every induction, it has to be mentioned that people from this film passed away so let’s talk about that.

Kenneth J. Warren (who I believe played that guy who got killed at the beginning, not 100% sure) died as the film came out at the age of 43 for unknown reasons. John Ashley (who played Logan and was a producer) died at the age of 67 in 1997 from a heart attack. George Nader (who played Nereus) would pass away at the age of 80 in 2002 due to a multitude of cardiac pulmonary failure, pneumonia, and multiple cerebral infarctions. Eddie Romero (the director) passed away at 88 in 2013 from a cardiopulmonary arrest caused by a blood clot and prostate cancer. Eddie Garcia (who played the first mate of Vic Mathias) died in 2019 at the age of 90 from a severe cervical fracture. Sid Haig (who played East Eddie) died in 2019 at the age of 80 of respiratory complications caused by a lung infection he got from vomiting in his sleep while recovering from a fall he suffered in his house (all happening in the same month).

So my final thoughts on this film. Yeah, this is a complete movie that wanted to have that exploitation cake and eat it with a PG plate too. You could tell in the film that this script needed a more exploitation feel with stuff like prostitution, mating, man on women violence, and worse than that, rape. However because of that need to be PG, all of that happens and then is just brushed to the side, except the mating, which led to a rape, where that was brushed aside. And let’s talk about the swimming. If I don’t ever see another person swimming underwater, it would be glorious because this movie overuses the swimming to the point of just straight out saying “Hey, we gotta pad this movie out so enjoy this swimming.” The fish eye effects make the people sometime look like ET, which would actually come out years later so just a coincidence. And the worst part of this movie. Through most of it, it was just not entertaining. Maybe this could have been a better film if it was an exploitation film, but this is what we got so this movie will be completely forgettable.

And with this induction done, that is it for the year. Now for 2020, we will be doing the 2019 GINO Award and of course this year’s summer inductions will be decided thanks to fan polls, among other things that happen. With that all says, I hope you all have a Happy Holidays.

You Filthy Animals

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