Saturday, May 25, 2019

Monster Crap Inductee: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Protect Your Eyes From All The Manipulation

2010

Well, it has been a long time since I talked about the Twlight Saga. I think the last time I talked about it was when I inducted that Vampires Suck movie. So it is now time for me to get back in that saddle again.

Yes, I Am Thinking About Aerosmith As I Say That

It might also be a sign of how bad New Moon truly was for me since when I inducted it in 2010, I have not watched any of the other Twilight movies since then. But that changes thanks to NegaSeth, I have to deal with this.

So let’s talk about Eclipse. This movie was released practically one year since the last movie and the big news with this is that the villain of this film that was set up for the last film as she wanted revenge on Bella for her mate dying in the first film thanks to the Cullens. However, due to some behind the scenes issues and scheduling, they changed actresses from Rachelle Lefevre to Bryce Dallas Howard, who I guess was a choice before Rachelle, but she rejected the role at the time because that role was too small for her. But hey, since she is now finally the main villain and not someone being set up as a villain for later, she is now willing to do it.

Oh And This Of Course Is Now Her Second Appearance On Monster Crap Since She Was An Extra In That Grinch Movie I Inducted In December

There is also a lot of other people who are back from the previous movie I inducted like Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Carlisle Cullen, Esme Cullen, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz (who was also in the Nightmare on Elm Street remake as well as New Moon), Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Billy Burke, Dakota Fanning, Cameron Bright (who was also in Ultraviolet), Daniel Cudmore (who was also in Alone in the Dark), Alex Marvez, Kiowa Gordon, Chaske Spencer, Bronson Pelletier, Charlie Bewley, Tyson Houseman, Gil Birmingham, Anna Kendrick (who deserves way better than these films), Michael Welch, Justin Chon, Christian Serratos, and Tinsel Korey. Yeah, they’re all back.

So with the last film having Chris Weitz directing and you saw me hating that film. However, this time they actually got a director that knows a thing or two about vampire films in David Slade, who directed a good vampire film 30 Days of Night.

A Person Who Knows How Vampire Films Work Directing A Vampire Film (Even A Twilight One), What A Novel Concept. Something That They Of Course Won’t Do Again For The Two Breaking Dawn Films Afterwards.

And finally, there is someone else who was in a previous induction in this film, but I will definitely get to that when I get to that actress. Let’s just get to the film.

We begin with some bloke leaving a bar.

Relax, The Actor Is From Australia So I Didn’t Just Decide To Use Australian Lingo For No Reason.

Unfortunately for him, it is Seattle so of course it is raining. And like any guy who comes back from a bar, he decides to walk in the alleys where no one is at night. Of course, he suddenly gets attacked by something that goes by so fast, that I really can’t get a good picture of it. He sees another nearby bar and tries to go there for help, but of course if you haven’t guessed…this is a vampire attacking him and the vampire pushes him near the docks and leaves him with a nasty bite mark.

And Now Thanks To The Vampire Venom That Was Established In The First Film, He Is Now A Vampire Since He Couldn’t Get Cured Of It In Time.

And it is at this time, the title shows up.


We go to Forks, Washington and a meadow where our main characters Bella and Edward are looking longingly at each other as Bella is reading a poem.

Would At Least Give Me More Laughs If They Strolled Through The Meadows Like Some Older Films Showed Couples In Love.

Also should be mentioned that through this film, Kristen Stewart is wearing a freaking wig since she cut her hair beforehand for the role of Joan Jett in The Runaways so throughout this film, just remember that is a wig she is wearing.

We see Edward sparkling since it is daylight and he asks Bella to marry him. She wants him to turn her into a vampire, but he wants to marry her first. And she doesn’t want to get married at such a young age at this time so the couple is at a crossroads.

Bella comes home and her dad Charlie is not happy that she actually is home at 4:00 on the dot because he thinks Edward might be trying to brown nose him.

Man, If These Movies Weren’t Making Me A Lot Of Money, I Would Be Out Of This Shit

And to be fair, some people would love being brown nosed.

Like This Asshole

Oh and now Charlie says that apparently she has been punished over her trip to Italy in the last film to save Edward. Charlie also says he has grounded her because he wants her to talk to other people again instead of just the Cullens. Bella says there is nothing he can say to change the fact that Edward is in her life and her dad takes a swig of beer.

Probably The One Thing That Keeps Him From Leaving As These Movies Are Being Filmed

Charlie then makes his daughter a deal that he will unground her if she uses this new freedom to see some of her other friends like Jacob as apparently, Jacob is going through a really tough time and his dad is worried about him. She then tries to call Jacob, but of course he doesn’t answer. More Bella narration saying that she wanted to fix things with Jacob, but he hasn’t given her a chance.

She is about to go out to see Jacob, but of course Edward is somehow already in her truck.

You Know, If I Didn’t Know This Movie Aint Going To Go There At All As It Has No Balls, I Would Say Edward Will Be Revealed To Be Some Sort Of Stalker

He is not too keen on the idea of Bella going to see Jacob because he doesn’t trust him nor the other wolves. Bella then says she has until graduation to see him and once she graduates, she will be one with the vampires and Jacob will hate her forever. She leaves the truck and we go to the next day at school, where Bella hangs out with her friends.

Including Jessica, Played By The Lovely Anna Kendrick, Who Definitely Deserves Better Than These Films.

Jessica is preparing a speech since she will be the valedictorian at their graduation. Alice shows up with her boyfriend Jasper Hale and she says that she has decided to throw a party at her house and since not many people have been to the Cullen household, this is a rare treat for the future graduates. Alice then has one of her visions which we don’t see, but obviously Jasper knows. Bella and Edward go to her dad at his work as sheriff of Forks, Washington and we see that he is talking to the parents of that kid who got bit at the beginning, named Riley Biers.


Bella knows that Edward also knows what Alice and she wants to know what it is. Edward reveals that what is going on inside is that Riley went missing over a year ago (yes, that opening scene happened over a year ago and this is the first time we are privy to that info). Normally, a movie would tell us after that opening scene that this is a year later, but not this film…we have to find out from one of the characters that it happened a year ago.

Edward then reveals that he and his family have been tracking a situation in Seattle for a while with people disappearing and people being killed. Also if the situation gets any more well known, the Volturi will step in. Bella then sees that if they go to Seattle, they could go to Forks and see that Bella is still human despite promising in the future that the problem with her being human would be rectified. Charlie shows up and Edward goes to leave before revealing to Bella his family got her an airline ticket to Florida to see her mom. Edward is definitely wanting Bella to go and Charlie seems to like this idea as well. Bella then reveals that Edward also has a companion ticket to go with her and that part Charlie is not 100% okay with.

We get more narration that Bella did want to see her mom as she wants to know if her mom’s life was full. Of course we then go to a scene where Bella is talking with her mom and her mom wonders if she is going to miss all of this. Oh and her mom (named Renee) talks about the idea of her going to a college in Florida, but Bella seems to want to go to the University of Alaska as they have a great science program up there. We also see that Renee has given her daughter a quilt made of all the T-shirts of tourist traps they went to.

It Is Always The Thought That Counts And I’ll Be Honest, That Is A Very Thoughtful Gift. In Fact, This May Sound Strange, But I Would Love One Of Those.

While the two of them are having this tender moment, the Cullen Family is chasing Victoria through the woods. Of course, Victoria jumps over a river that is in the wolves territory and when one of the Cullens tries to follow, he gets knocked back because they need to stay in their own territory.

Obviously, Victoria Gets Away Because Of This

Stupid Animals

Bella is back from her mom’s place and Edward asks if she regrets going without him. Bella doesn’t regret it, but she says it was hard to say goodbye. Edward then sees something and asks Bella to stay in the car, which she definitely doesn’t do. And we once again meet Jacob.


Bella and Jacob say a few things explaining where they have been. Jacob also warns Edward that if his kind come on their lands again, there will be issues. Of course Bella didn’t know any of this and now sees why Edward got her tickets to her mom so she could be away from the danger. But of course, Bella learns that Victoria is back and still wants to kill Bella. Bella gets on the bike with Jacob as they still have more issues to iron out, despite Edward’s worry.

Jacob takes Bella to meet the rest of his tribe.

And They’re All Shirtless….Because Of Course They Are.

We also see that their pack includes Leah Clearwater, who was the daughter of that one Native American guy who died of a heart attack in New Moon.

She Does Not Like Bella At All

We learn that her brother Seth (who is 15) also joined the pack and they also talk about imprinting, which is basically making sure that person will be part of your life forever and making sure you will be part of that person’s life. Bella asks if Jacob if he has imprinted on someone, Jacob says she would know if he had (kind of a nod that he wants to imprint on Bella). She then reveals that after graduation, she would be joining with the Cullens and Jacob is none too happy about this. He once again shows his possessive side and definitely why while Edward is a bad guy who doesn’t trust Bella and can be very possessive, Jacob is no better as he is extremely possessive. If you need one line that shows why Jacob is not the one you should ever fall in love with, it is this.

Jacob: Better you be dead than one of them.

Bella goes to leave as she is rightfully insulted by that remark, but Jacob apologizes and she decides to stay.

Meanwhile, at Bella’s place, we have an asshole in Bella’s room who decides to steal her blouse.

I See Riley Is A Perv As Well As A Vampire

Bella comes home and her dad thinks she was hanging out with Edward, but she was actually hanging out with Jacob. There is a knock at the door and it is Edward, who asks Bella if she understands how worried he has been. Edward then smells that someone else has been in this house and goes upstairs as Bella follows. Edward takes Bella to meet with the other Cullen family members and reveals that a stranger who isn’t Victoria or the Volturi was in Bella’s room while she was away. Bella decides to ask Jacob for help. The next day, Jacob says that he now knows the scent and the perpetrator won’t be sneaking into Bella’s room again. We then see more moments of Edward and Jacob trying to be more macho as Bella is tired of this.


In narration, she said that she got the two sides to work together towards her protection as the Cullens and wolves would split time in watching over her. Bella also spends time with the pack more so she can be safe while the Cullens investigate this new enemy. Jacob takes Bella to a council meeting with the other members of his pack and it is here that we meet Seth.

Played By An Actor Named Booboo Stewart. I Mention This Because Besides The Crappy Name He Has Been Given (What, Is His Brother Or Dad Named Yogi?), He Has Been In Plenty Of Future Monster Crap Inductions Since This Series Ended And Normally Is Considered A Name To Be Put On The Marquee For Some Reason.

At this meeting, we find out the history between vampires and the wolves as their ancestors had to deal with evil vampires like the Cold Man.

This Guy Who Completely Looks Ridiculous

This Cold Man had been killing women and the Native Americans attack this guy. After short fight, they kill him. Unfortunately the Cold Man had a lover and she decided on vengeance against the tribe.

Hey Proxima Midnight. No, Not Her Voice, But The Stunt Woman Who Was In The Green Suit And Did The Work Of Her On-Set.

She attacked the tribe and the son of one of the last spirit warriors Taha Aki and was going to kill the Taha Aki, but his significant other stabbed herself to draw blood, that would cause that vampire a momentary distraction so Taha can kill her.


The story teller says that something terrible is coming and they must all be ready.

Meanwhile, we see Riley has amassed a group of other vampires that are killing people and one of the people he has turned his a young lady named Bree Tanner.

Wait A Minute…I Know That Face Anywhere. It’s Jodelle Ferland.

Mostly of you may know her as the little girl who keeps yelling “Silent Hill” in that Silent Hill movie, but I recognize her from a different movie; a much worse movie.

Fucking Uwe Boll’s Seed

Now I’m going to stop the induction a bit because some people may have guessed that at some point Nega Seth may force me to watch Blood Valley: Seed’s Revenge and that was his plan. But….well, I think this link and price can give you all the answer you may need as to if that is happening.


Yeah, I don’t think that is happening. And before you ask about the Blu Ray, let’s just say that my system that I use to take pictures of the movie does not work with Blu Rays at all. So the only way this happens if some person with money to burn decides to donate this film to me since it is on my wishlist here.


In a way, you will have my thanks if you somehow do that…..and in a way, you will probably have me say “Fuck You” to you for giving NegaSeth the ammo he so wants. Back to Eclipse, Riley talks to Bree and basically tells her that he will try to get her someone to drink, but warns her to try and not get herself killed.

We see a news report talking about the state of terror that Seattle is in as the murder and vanishing spree continues. Carlisle, the head of the Cullens, reveals that they will need to do something soon as things are only getting worse. Jasper says that it takes more than one of their kind to cause the chaos that has been happening and they all think that it is a band of newborns who are causing this nightmare. Bella wonders why and Edward explains that in the first few months of people turning into a vampire, they become extremely strong, but volatile and craving blood and as they go through that cycle, they become less powerful, but more sane and able to control themselves. Someone thinks that someone is definitely creating an army of newborns and one of them, Emmett wants to go to Seattle to take care of this. Carlisle says that if they don’t stop them, the Volturi will, although he doesn’t understand why the Volturi haven’t already stepped in. Edward reveals that in Italy, Aro wanted him and Alice to join them, but he knew that while their family was still here, they wouldn’t. Jasper thinks that an army of vampires might take care of that and that might be the reason the Volturi have not stepped in yet.

Back at the Swann household, Charlie looks over the missing persons report on Riley and we find out he has not eaten yet. Apparently, Riley’s parents have papered the whole place with these. Bella asks if Charlie thinks they should give up and Charlie says he wouldn’t if he was in their shoes with Bella. Bella then talks with Edward in her bed about the worry of never seeing her family again. Edward of course tries to comfort her in the only way a poorly written character can.

Edward: After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

Bella asks Edward why he is so against her being like one of them. Edward says that he already told her that he knows the consequence of the choice that she is making as he has lived through it and he doesn’t want her to suffer that because if he did that just so he can never lose her, that would be the most selfish thing he would ever do.

Then the next day, Bella is with Jacob at a beautiful river. Bella reveals that Alice has planned a big graduation party and Bella invites Jacob. Jacob finally makes his move in telling Bella that he loves her and kisses her.


And because he just basically forced himself upon her, she rightfully punches him…but she breaks her hand because his skull is too strong.


She gets pissed off and as Jacob drives her home, Edward knows this freaking happened thanks to Alice and he is extremely pissed.

Wow…That Face. I Can Only Just Laugh.

Bella tells Jacob to leave. Charlie comes in to try to calm things down and he finds out about Jacob kissing Bella. Of course at the Cullens’ house the next day, we find out that it is just a sprain and should heal shortly. Emmett asks what did Bella do and she reveals that she punched a werewolf in the face. Emmett finds this to be badass and says she will be a tough newborn. This doesn’t make Rosalie Hale, Emmett’s girlfriend happy and she walks off.

Bella goes to see what is wrong with Rosalie and she explains that she was upset because Bella has a choice to be human and yet she is willing to throw it all away to be a vampire. Rosalie explains that she didn’t have a choice in turning to a vampire and explains her backstory. Rosalie explains that when she was alive (which was during Prohibition), she was engaged to this guy, who was supposedly the most eligible bachelor out there. She didn’t even know what he did, but she was in love.

His Name Is Royce

We then see one night , she is walking somewhere while Royce is talking with his crew of guys. He then wants to talk to his wife and show her off to them, while obviously drunk. She knows that he is drunk and doesn’t want to be part of whatever they are doing. He wants to show off his wife with less clothes and she wishes to leave until he is sober tomorrow. Royce doesn’t take this well and assaults her. He then starts to rape her right there as his friends watch.


She explains that they left her for dead. Carlisle found her (after having to smell the blood) so he bit and turned her because he thought he was helping her. Rosalie explains that she got her revenge on the gang, killing them all one by one before Royce was the only one left. She of course gets through his police guards and kills him.


Rosalie explains that things got better after she met Emmett, but she will always be this and misses the possibilities of life the could happen. Bella explains that there is nothing in the world she is ever going to want more than Edward. Rosalie explains that she is wrong again as after she is changed, the one thing she is going to want…the one thing she will kill for…is blood.

Meanwhile, more newborns have gone on a rampage in Seattle and Riley is pissed they didn’t do so without his supervision and not keeping a low profile. He explains to them that something bigger than all of them is coming and if they can’t control themselves, they are all going to die. Riley then explains what is done is done, but that they just need to clean up after themselves. The newborns go back to killing their intended victims. Meanwhile, guess who is seeing this.

Members Of The Volturi In Jane, Alec, Felix, And Demetri

I would like to remind you that the Volturi are basically the Vampire Vatican. They mention that the newborns have drawn too much attention already and most of them want end this now, but Jane wants to see where this is going. Riley feels someone is nearby watching, but when he turns around to where the Volturi were, they are gone. I’d think this Volturi plan is very self-serving and unnecessary, but then…

Ahhhh……Dakota Fanning Might Try To Kill Me So I Think They Are Doing Fine Work And How Dare You Think Otherwise.

We go to graduation as Jessica does her valedictorian speech. As she is speaking, we get montages to see Bella getting her diploma as her dad is extremely happy.

By The Way, A Week Before This Film, Kristen Stewart Would Actually Get Her Actual Diploma Via Correspondence. So In A Way, This May Be Actually Kind Of A Way To Make Up For Her Missing Out On The Actual Graduation Ceremony. 

We then go to the after-graduation party and the Native American boys come to greet Bella, including Jacob.


She asks why they are here and Jacob reminds her that she did invite them. She tries to explain that her punch should have signaled that they were uninvited. Jacob then explains that he came here to apologize to Bella for what he did back there. He also explains that he gave her graduation present that he made himself.


Bella is happy about the gift. Alice shows up and she gets a vision of Riley showing the red blouse he stole to his newborn army so they can smell Bella’s scent. Bella sees Alice’s look and knows she just saw a vision. Alice explains that they are not going to Seattle anymore as the newborn army is coming here.

In a private meeting with several members of the Cullen family and the wolves, Alice explains that the army will be here in four days. They explain that the head is Riley Biers and while they know Riley isn’t the real head, they know that the real head is staying out of the action at this time. Carlisle talks about that real leader playing on their blind spots and Jasper says that doesn’t matter as the army is coming and the Cullen vampires are vastly outnumbered. Jacob then explains that the werewolves are going to help since it is obvious that they are after Bella. Bella tries to say they aren’t in, but Jacob basically says that wasn’t a request, but a statement. Bella tries to get Edward to get Jacob’s tribe out of this, but Edward is smart and knows that their help would mean more protection for Bella. Carlisle asks if they can agree to some mutual truce to fight the newborn army and Jacob says as long as they get to kill some vampires, that shouldn’t be too hard to do. Jasper thinks that the wolves should help the numbers and since they don’t know about them, they can make a surprise that could help defeat the newborn army. Bella tries again to get the wolves out of this, but Carlisle says the wolves will need help in training to deal with newborns as with their special strength will take some different approach to deal with them. Bella says that Jacob doesn’t know what he is getting into and Jacob says this is what they do. Besides she should be happy as well since they are now on the same side and no longer fighting.

We then go to training to prepare for the newborn invasion. We also get the return of…

Bad CGI Wolves

We also find out why the newborns are stronger since a bit of the human blood still left in them so they are not that delicate. Jasper explains that two rules to be known. First is to not let the newborns wrap their arms around them as they will break their backs with their strength. Second is to never go for the obvious kill since they will be expecting that. Then we get a training montage. Oh and we also learn that you should never turn your back on your enemy.

With The Most Duh Look On This Face While Saying That

As they are training, Bella tries to once convince Jacob to back out, but it is obvious that is not happening. Edward looks at Jacob and he leaves while Edward tells Bella that the training is over. Bella asks Jasper if there is anything she can do to help. Jasper says that her presence alone and scent will distract them enough. We then finally learn Jasper’s backstory, but we first see his arm.


Jasper explains that those are battle scars from his time in the Confederate Army and while training maybe useless against newborns, he never lost a fight. We find out that Jasper was the youngest major in the Texas Cavalry when he met a certain vampire named Maria.

She Is In The Middle And Basically An Uncredited Cameo For Catalina Sandino Moreno, Who Was The First Columbian Actress To Be Nominated For An Oscar In 2004 For Maria Full Of Grace. Don’t Know How They Got Her, But They Did.

She turns him into a vampire in hopes of leading an army of newborns against her enemies, who they never explained. But they do explain that when newborns almost grew to a certain point where they would no longer be ones, Maria had Jasper kill them before they became weak.


Jasper explains that he thought what he and Maria had was love, but she merely was using him as her puppet.

He says that he didn’t know any other way until he met Alice. We then see a dream where Maria and Victoria (first time we’ve seen her in a while) convince Jasper to attack. Bella wakes up from it and reveals to Edward that Riley and the newborn army are obviously puppets for Victoria, who is using the same approach Maria used years ago to get her revenge. We then see Riley Biers beating up and putting a kid on his shoulders when Victoria shows up. She welcomes the kid to the army before biting him.

Outside, Bella says she is not going to hide while Edward puts his life on the line for her. Edward then explains that if it is Victoria, he needs to keep her as far away from the action as possible. Bella says that Jasper says she can be of help and Edward says that with the wolves, this will be an easy win. Bella says that it is obviously dangerous if they are apart. Edward agrees on that, but they both will stay away together.

Edward, Bella, Jasper, and Jacob meet at an open clearing which they plan on using as a battlefield so it will hopefully give them an advantage against the newborn army. They explain that Edward and Bella will stay away so as to protect Bella from Victoria. They also need Jacob as his stench can block Bella’s smell from Victoria knows her exact smell and not just her blood. Basically, despite Edward’s apprehension, Jacob must carry Bella to the campsite where Bella and Edward will hope to stay away from the battlefield.

Originally, Jacob Was Supposed To Pull Bella On A Cart (Like I Think Was In The Book Because Why Else Would They Have This Idea), But It Looked Ridiculous To Everyone And Taylor Lautner Just Agreed To Carry Kristen Stewart Instead Since It Was Worth The Risk To Look Better.

In a discussion between Bella and Jacob, we also learn that of the pack’s Alpha Male is Sam. Jacob explains that he originally never wanted to be in the pack and he certainly doesn’t want to be its leader. Jacob tries to tell Bella that she can love more than one person at a time. Oh, it is true that you can have more than one person you want to spend the rest of your life with at the same time…but we call them polygamists. Well, Stephenie Meyer is Mormon and a sect of them loves polygamy so…yeah, I don’t want to read too much into this.

Jasper talks to Edward and says this plan will work since he couldn’t smell Bella’s scent at all over the wolf smell. Alice then talks with Charlie and convinces him that his daughter and her are going on a sleepover as a cover for this obvious battle. Alice explains to Bella afterwards that Edward and her will actually have the house to themselves for the night as the rest of the Cullens are going to hunt for wildlife so they can power themselves up for the upcoming battle.

Bella then has a conversation with Charlie. Bella then asks her dad why he didn’t get married after he and her mom divorced. He explains that he probably hasn’t met the right woman yet. He wonders why she is asking and Bella explains that she thought maybe he gave up on the whole institution of marriage. She wonders if he thought there was any value in it. Charlie says there is value in it and she’ll find out about it when she is much older as her mom seemed to be able to make it work in the second time in life when she was older. It then gets awkward as her dad talks about not wanting to get married because you have to since getting intimate could cause things. But Bella doesn’t want to hear anymore about it. Bella also says Edward is old school and Charlie wonders if that is code for something.

At Least She Didn’t Say Old Fashioned Or You Could Be Creeped Out In Different Ways

Bella then says she is still a virgin and the dad wants nothing more about this conversation so it ends. Thank god for that.

That night, Bella goes to the Cullen house to be with Edward. Edward gives her a piece of jewelry as well so he can be represented.


The two go to sleep together. Again, we learn that Edward still has that condition that he will only turn her if they get married. Bella then says she wants to negotiate her own condition as well. Bella of course tries to have sex with him, but Edward says no as that might kill her. Bella says that she wants to have sex with him while she is still human. Edward says it is too dangerous, but Bella says they should still try. Then they start doing it, but Edward says they definitely can’t do it today. Edward says while he wants to, he wants to be married to her first. Edward explains that he was from a different time and back then (he was turned in 1918 to escape the Spanish Influenza (look it up)), they did things of having sex only after marriage. Edward then shows the ring (that was from his birth mother) and proposes marriage formally to her. She finally after all this time in this film says yes.

Meanwhile, under some train tracks, Riley talks with Victoria. And sure enough, Victoria is playing Riley for a fool by basically making him believe she turned him out of love and that she needs him to do this newborn army thing to protect her from Bella and Edward, as well as the other members of the Cullen clan. She talks about her dead friend Laurent (the only time the name of my favorite character from the previous films gets mentions) and that they killed him. Of course, she never mentions her ex-mate James because then Riley might see that she is using him for her own vengeance.

The next day, Bella cuts herself and starts leaving blood trails at certain spots to lead the newborns to the forest clearing.

Bella: Now You Suck My Blood. And You Suck My Blood.
Edward: Bella, How Many Times Have I Told You That The Trashy 2000 Movie Trees Wasn’t Real?

Oh, Yeah….That Movie Is So Real. And As Far As Inducting That And Its Christmas Sequel Called Trees: Root Of All Evil,  I Can’t Find Those On DVD So That Will Also Have To Wait Until Some Day.

Edward realizes that Bella isn’t wearing the engagement ring given to her. She makes the excuse that she doesn’t want to risk losing, but what she is really doing is making sure at this time that Jacob does not know they are engaged.

Yeah…Being With Two Overprotective Assholes Who Love Her Has Turned Bella Into A Manipulative Woman

Edward tells Jacob that Alice said there was a storm coming and Jacob says he could feel it. Now more of Jacob carrying Bella.

Put A Vest On Jacob As He Has Become The Service Wolf

Then we see all the vampires near the river that leads to Forks, Washington and the awesome shot of the vampires walking underwater towards their destination.

It Is A Pretty Cool Scene…Despite The Fact That It Has Been Done In Plenty Of Horror Films Like Land Of The Dead, Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives, And Plenty Of Others That I Don’t Remember A This Time.

Jacob takes Bella to the tent that was set up at the highest point in town where Edward due to his fast speed and not having to carry Bella, is already there. Bella tells Jacob that he can go, but he says he is staying for right now as she will need his connection to the pack to know how the battle is going. Of course, Sam will replace him on watch over Bella in the morning.

That night, a snowstorm hits and for some dumb reason, no one thought to bring any heat source at this height so of course, Bella gets freezing.

Morons!!!

This leads to a situation where Bella may suffer hypothermia, suffer frost bite, or freeze to death before the sun comes up so she is going to need someone close to her to keep her warm. Edward is out because as a vampire, he has no body heat to keep her warm so that means…

Yep…Edward Has To Watch His Fiancée Snuggle Up To The Guy Who Is Trying To Steal Her Away From Him.

While Bella is sleeping, Jacob and Edward have an interesting conversation of what would happen if Bella chose Jacob instead of Edward, would Edward try to kill him. Edward says he wouldn’t as her happiness is more important to him than his own. Jacob asks why he would turn her into one of them if that was so important and while Edward says he did try and leave, Jacob says he didn’t try hard enough. Edward says he knows Jacob can give her a better human life than he can, but he is never going to force her to choose anything ever again. Edward admits that if they weren’t mortal enemies and Jacob wasn’t trying to steal his girl, Edward might like him. Jacob then admits that if he wasn’t trying suck the life out of the woman he loves, he still would hate him as vampire and werewolf issues.

The next day, Sam comes to take over for Jacob. Bella thinks Jacob is far from sight even though Edward admits that he is merely just checking to see if he won’t get ambushed so she decides to talk about them getting married. Of course, Jacob comes back just as they are talking about it so yeah, the cat is out of that bag now.


Bella then looks at Edward at gets upset because she believed that he knew Jacob was listening, this despite the fact that Edward said not a few minutes ago that he wasn’t gone yet.

Dear God…How Dense Are You, Bella?

Edward then admits that yeah, he knew Jacob could hear and says that Jacob deserves to know. Jacob goes to leave with his feelings hurt that he was not told earlier that she made her final decision when Bella decides to do something so manipulative that she so deserves to get neither Edward or Jacob.

She Kisses Him In Front Of Edward.

You know, I am reminded of a video game called Witcher III. I mean, I haven’t played the game, but I do know certain things about it. Like where you are a guy and there are two ladies you can romance, but be careful because if you try to romance them both at the same time and try to be like Bella with your male character, they both act like they are going to do a three-way with you while you are handcuffed to the bed, and then decide to just leave you. This is manipulative and cruel that she strings along both guys like Geralt of Rivia would have done to both Yennefer or Triss, but unlike that video game (that from what I hear, is awesome), this series doesn’t have the balls to have both guys dump her for being the evil woman that she is, which despite this being in the film and also the book it is based off of, is not what I am supposed to be feeling towards the main freaking character.

So yes, Jacob is still like Edward, a puppet to the whims of this callous jezebel. He then leaves to go get ready for the battle with the newborn army. She then tells Edward that she didn’t know what happened there and Edward basically says that she loves Jacob. Bella says she loves Edward more and Edward says that he knows that. Sam comes to tell them that the battle is starting.

The newborns are drawn to Bella’s blood on certain spots and head to the clearing where the Cullens are waiting.


As the battle begins, the werewolves also come in to ambush the newborns.


Despite how nice this fight looks, no one on the good guy side sides.


Victoria notices this ambush and sees that Bella is not there, meaning they have been tricked.

I’VE BEEN BAMBOOZLED!!!

Bree (who has been hiding) gets cornered by both Carlisle and his wife Esme.

Her Fate Is Basically Unknown At This Time

Edward reveals that Victoria is close since she used Edward’s scent since she knew Edward would be with her. When she arrives, she has not come alone.

Yep, Riley Is With Her

Edward tries telling Riley the truth that Victoria is merely using him to get her own personal revenge and would be glad to see Edward kill him so she no longer has to deal with him. However, Victoria denies all of that and of course, Riley believes Victoria. Riley tells Edward that he is dead, but Sam shows up to even the odds. It is now Edward and Sam (in wolf form) against Victoria and Riley.

It’s Time For A Tag Team Match, Playa

Sam gets the advantage on Riley early and rips his hand off.

Hey, At Least You Won’t Have To Pretend For Your Captain Hook Cosplay

Victoria goes to help Riley, but Edward taunts her about killing James and you can see where Victoria’s feelings truly lie.


Victoria goes after Edward and after knocking out Sam, Riley joins Victoria making it a 2 on 1 match. Edward tries his best, but it seems those odds are too much and he is about to be killed.


However, Bella has a ace up her sleeve in cutting herself with a sharp rock so her bleeding causes a distraction.


This slight distraction causes Sam to rejoin the fight and grab Riley. Riley yells for Victoria to help him, but since she no longer needs him in her mind, she doesn’t help him.

Showing Her True Colors

It’s now one on one between Edward and Victoria and after a few minutes, Edward kills Victoria.


Edward immediately goes to Bella and rips part of her coat to bandage her hand. Edward reveals that Alice needs them to join them in the clearing so Bella, Sam, and he go to there after burning Victoria’s body to ash.


They come and know the Volturi are coming. The Cullens say that the wolves need to leave since the Volturi won’t honor any pact with them. Of course, there is one more newborn left which Jacob has to save Leah from. Jacob ends up getting his ribs broken in the process.


The other wolves rip the newborn apart as Jacob goes back to being human. The pack leaves with Carlisle saying he will help them as soon as he can, but they need to get out of there before the Volturi show up. Then the Volturi show up.

Acting Like The Cool Kids In The Room


That's Because They Are Cool. 

We find out that Bree is still alive since she surrendered in exchange for asylum. Unfortunately, the Volturi won’t honor that deal as well and Jane starts to torture Bree for information with her mind powers.


Bree can only give them what she knows in that Riley led them, but would never reveal who was higher than him. Edward reveals that it was Victoria and asks that maybe the Volturi knew of that, but Carlisle is diplomatic and tells Edward that if the Volturi knew about her, they would have stopped her. The Volturi say that is true…

What A Bunch Of No Good…

Saints Who Would Never Lie

Jane then has Felix kill Jane.

Which We Don’t See As The Film Cuts To Black Before We See The Decapitation

The Volturi also mentions that it is interesting that Bella is still human despite the promise to turn her with Bella saying that the date for turning has been set.

That night, Carlisle fixes up Jacob. Jacob’s dad Billy thanks Carlisle and we see a handshake knowing that the two leaders are on better terms. Bella goes to console Jacob since he has been asking for her.


It is here that Bella admits that she does love Jacob, but she loves Edward more. Jacob says that at least he did everything he could to change her mind as he is sure it wasn’t easy making Bella admit her feelings towards him. Jacob does say he will need some time to deal with this heartbreak, but he’ll always be waiting…until Breaking Dawn Part 2, but we will get into that “holy shit” bullshit on another day.

Back at the meadow the next day, they reveal that the wedding will be on August 13 as it is a month before her birthday and she doesn’t need to be another year older than him. They reveal that Alice can get the wedding set up until then. Edward says that there is no rush, but Bella says she has chosen her life and she wants to start living it. It doesn’t even matter to Bella who is on the guest list or what the dress looks like, as long as she is marrying Edward, she is happy. Edward says that she is too busy making everyone else happy, but she is already giving away too much. Bella says that he is wrong. Bella says this was never a choice between him and Jacob, it was between who she should be and who she actually is. Bella says she has always felt like an outsider and always stumbling her way through life. She reveals that she isn’t normal and doesn’t want to be. She also says she has never felt stronger despite feeling death, loss, and pain. After a few more things, she says she has to do something more difficult than planning a wedding beforehand and she may need his help in this endeavor. The thing she needs to do…is to break the news to her dad. Bella tells Edward that it is a good thing he is bullet-proof and as she is once again given the ring to wear, that is where we end this movie.

Two More Films Left In This Saga And I Know They Will Be Worse Than This Film

And of course, nobody really suffered as this series still continued for two more films and both Robert Pattinson (who played Edward) and Kristen Stewart (who played Bella) are doing fine. Taylor Lautner (who played Jacob) however did not become the big star many people thought he would be as he would get one theatrical feature starring vehicle in Abduction. That film of course was a commercial and critical failure. Anna Kendrick ended up becoming the big deal out of the cast because after Up In The Air, there was the Pitch Perfect series and now she is a big star. Christian Serratos (who played Angela) went on to be in the hugely successful Walking Dead TV series as Rosita. Jackson Rathbone (who played Jasper) had an interesting week when this film came out because he was in two films that weekend. The other film…

OUCH!!!!!

Peter Facinelli (who played Carlisle) was still doing Nurse Jackie at the time until that show in 2015. Elizabeth Reaser (who played Esme) has found some good luck being in some horror series and shows like Ouija: Origin Of Evil and the Netflix “Haunting of Hill House” series. Bryce Dallas Howard (who played Victoria) would go on to be in films like The Help, Pete’s Dragon, the two Jurassic World films, and will be in the upcoming Elton John biopic “Rocketman”. Monique Ganderton (who played the vampires who attacked the Native Americans) continues to do stunt work and is on set for some superhero movies these days. Jodelle Ferland (who was Bree Tanner) went on to be in The Cabin In The Woods and ParaNorman. Jack Huston (who played Royce) went on that same year to be in the hit HBO series Boardwalk Empire as Richard Harrow.

That Guy With The Partial Mask. Man, If This Character Was In The Same Universe As Eclipse, You Could Say Rosalie Was Definitely Theatrical In Getting Her Revenge.

Dakota Fanning (who played Jane) has done okay for herself as she was in that miniseries I watched called The Alienist and is in the upcoming Quentin Tarentino film “Once Upon A Time…In Hollywood”. Leah Gibson (who played Lucy) went onto to be in the second season of Jessica Jones as the con artist Inez Green. David Slade (the director) has gone to direct plenty of TV and was the director of that Black Mirror special called Bandersnatch. No deaths to report again so I’m happy.

Now for my final opinion on this film. This is no where near as boring and mind numbing as New Moon was. The action was really good and it set up for the eventual battle. However, the character writing for Bella especially was just godawful and you really saw how manipulative she was with these two guys where I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t on either Team Edward or Team Jacob and more on Team These Two Men Deserve Better Than This Bitch. It still suffers from PG-13 of not having blood, but having decapitations that make the deaths more look like the poster of the original The Stepford Wives.


Ultimately while it is better than New Moon, I wasn’t as okay with it as I was with the first film since the characters weren’t terribly rotten to the core and I did like the villains in that one. Unfortunately, the next one is a competitor for the worst of this series with New Moon so when I get to it, lord help me.

Now that I finally got that done, what is next on your gauntlet of suck.

Glad, You Asked. Next Up Is A Sequel That Is Actually A Prequel To A Rip Off As The Asylum Returns With A Film That Asks “How Did Those Robots Rule Man?”

Oh dear god…

Yep…it is time you go back to…

*Sigh*

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