Monster Crap Inductee: The Happytime Murders (2018 GINO Award Winner)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Happytime Murders

Jim Henson Help Us

2018 GINO Award Winner

Before I begin, I would like to say I do like puppets a lot. Whether it be Sesame Street, The Muppet, Alf, Eureka’s Castle, among others…I do think there is so much that can be done with puppetry. There are even great movies with puppets like several movie versions of some of the shows I mentioned and stuff like Labyrinth, some of the Puppet Master movies, Little Shop of Horrors, the list can go on and on. And before anyone brings up Meet The Feebles, I specifically left that one up to mention later because I do have a point to make.

So naturally, the idea of a puppet murder caper that puts it’s world in a kind of Who Framed Roger Rabbit world from the son of Jim Henson (who is also the director of two great Muppet Movies (Muppet Christmas Carol & Muppet Treasure Island)) could naturally create something interesting. Emphasis on the word “could” there, because while that could be true, it could also be true that the idea could turn out to be a load of crap that disappoints everyone.

For the latter to happen, a lot has to go wrong. You could have a terrible time getting it made with studio heads changing and hell, whole studios changing even. You could have a good lead that changes a few times and get eventually replaced by a lead who was one-fourth of that terrible Ghostbusters remake two years ago. You could completely have many of your jokes fall flat (including jokes written by said one-fourth of that Ghostbusters bomb who you gave some creative control too). You could also try to be the raunchiest puppet movie ever get made, forgetting that no matter how hard you try…your wide release theatrical film is not going to be as raunchy as Meet The Feebles, a film that didn’t get a wide release (giving them more freedom) that was produced by a smaller studio who will let you get away with more and directed by a very young Peter Jackson, who being his second film (his first being the extremely low rent, but enjoyable in a low budget way Bad Taste), who didn’t have much to lose.

You Really Aren’t Topping This On Your Best Day. Even If That Movie Had $750,000 In It’s Budget While The Happytime Murders Has $40-$47 Million In It’s Budget. Sad, Isn’t It.

And before anyone gets up in arms about my tearing of Melissa McCarthy from this and Ghostbusters while mentioning she already had an Oscar and is nominated this year for another Oscar as well, I would like to say 2 things. 1) If you didn’t read my Ghostbusters induction, I didn’t particularly like Bridesmaids and 2) I know she can be a good actress, but she really needs material that can make her more the a one note “Oh laugh at me because I’m fat who has a very dirty mouth” character, which is sadly something she seems to know how to sadly write herself as. Basically, if you are allowing her creative control on her character even a bit, you are already admitting you don’t know how to write her well.

But she’s not the only one who has been in a past Monster Crap inductee. You also have Michael McDonald.

Man, He Has Some Bad Luck….Getting Small Roles In Bad Movies.

Jim Palmer is one of the Ice Thugs from Batman & Robin (no picture because I don’t know which one). And with all that out of the way, let’s get this induction started.

We begin this movie with the Universal logo.

Universal, My Arch-Nemesis, I Knew You’d Come Back

We actually begin with an overlook of Los Angeles and our main character Phil Philips driving a car.

Voiced By The Guy Who Does Pepe The King Prawn & Bobo The Bear

We then see that all people of color and creeds get along on the simple fact that they hate puppets with a puppet getting shoved away as a human steals his taxi ride.

At Least This Is More Subtle Than “Fairy Lives Don’t Matter Here”

Yeah, One Positive You Can Say About Happytime Murders Is It At Least Isnt The Most Exploitative Attempt At Social Commentary Over Racism That You Ever Seen. Not The Highest Of Praise For The Film Though.

And another bad thing for puppets is the horrible treatment by dogs while the humans don’t care.

Phil reveals that he is a private investigator who looks out for puppets because no one else is. We then see a bunch of kids picking on a puppet who is dancing. These kids are animals as they rip off the puppet’s eye.

Phil intervenes and when one of the kids tries to intimidate him, Phil just punches him in the nose.

Well, I Already Like Phil

Phil tells the old dancing puppet that he doesn’t have to sing and dance for the man anymore as times have changed, but the old puppet says he likes to sing and dance. Phil just sees this is a lost cause and goes to his office, where he meets his secretary Bubbles.

Despite That Name, Bubbles Is Not A Puppet.

Bubbles tells him that a Detective Edwards called and when Phil asks if Bubbles did the message that he is in Minnesota attending a funeral, Bubbles said she did and Edwards responded with she wants to sew Phil’s butt hole shut and just keep feeding him. That’s a weird way of torture. Oh and Phil just got back from dealing with some puppet poachers.

Okay, Puppets Are Supposed To Be A Suppressed Minority, Not A Damn Endangered Species.

Phil deals with them via a crowbar and kicking them in the balls.

Bubbles then says that she believes they have a new client who is waiting in his office. He goes into his office to see a puppet he is definitely attracted to.

Oh Hi, Obvious Villain

No seriously, Sandra White here explains that she is a nymphomaniac where if she gets close to another person’s privates, she just can’t help herself. And oh yeah, she is being blackmailed about it.

You Couldn’t Get Anymore “Hi, I’m Going To Be Revealed As A Villain Eventually” If You Tried.

In narration (which happens in a lot of noire films, which this is not trying to be or there would be lots of black and white), he explains that he should have turned her down, but how could he say no to her….oh, and he needed the money. He recognizes that P as being from a magazine sold at a local porn shop called Vinny’s Puppet Pleasureland.

Yes, That Octopus Is Doing Exactly What You Think It Is Doing To That Cow While On Camera. The Vulture Is Vinny.

Vinny reveals that the internet is killing him these days so he is creating his own content. Phil asks if they have the latest issue of Puppet Pussy Party, which Vinny has and we see that yes, the P is the same P from the blackmail letter.

Phil asks if Vinny keeps a record of which customer bought which magazine and Vinny says his records are in the office behind the theater, which Phil is given permission to look at. Phil also accidentally bumps into a bunny, who we learn is Bumbly and Phil knows him. Bumbly is so embarrassed that he lies about having a crippling addiction to porn.

Also, It Is Voiced By The Most Known Puppeteer For Elmo, Kevin Clash. We Are Not Going To Go Into His Whole Backstory Of Why He Had To Basically Resign From That Role. That Is A Nightmare In And Of Itself.

Phil goes to the back and passes by the theater that is showing a BDSM film starring a man who is supposed to be a firefighter and a puppet dominatrix.

Suddenly on the outside, a cloaked person comes into the store and starts shooting up the place.

Bumbly begs the shooter not to kill him as he has 48 kids, but that doesn’t work and Bumbly gets gunned down. Phil comes out of the office to find the carnage.

The police arrive to the scene and it is here where we meet Detective Connie Edwards.

Connie sees that Phil is here and we learned that they used to be partners as Phil was a former cop (the first puppet cop) who was disgraced because he missed a puppet criminal with his bullet and everyone of course, believed he intentionally missed because he didn’t want to kill a puppet. They trade insults with each other and one of the things you will learn is Melissa McCarthy here takes too long with her damn insults. The superior in Lt. Banning shows up.

Hey, It’s Stanley Hudson From The Office. He Is Probably Rolling His Eyes As He Saw This Film In The Theaters.

Edwards thinks this is a robbery gone bad, but Phillips correctly tells them that this wasn’t a hit as the shooter didn’t take the money.

Probably Should Have Been Your First Clue. Also Phil, Thanks For Touching Evidence At A Crime Scene Without Evidence And Not Being A Cop.

Phil asks if he is free to go and Banning allows him to leave, despite Edwards protests. You see, he is still the department’s dirty little puppet secret and the last thing the press needs to see is Phil at the murder scene. We then see the Puppet Television Network.

We then find out that Bumbly was one of the actors of an old hit TV show called The Happytime Gang.

We then see Phil talking with his brother Larry (also an actor on The Happytime Gang) in a diner where we find out that PTN is putting The Happytime Gang on syndication.

Larry says he will make a killing on those royalty checks with this move and he may be able to pay off his Scientology dues. Phil wonders if his brother is at all concerned about Bumbly’s death, but Larry says that Bumbly would have wanted to die in a porn shop. We then see a fan of the show who geeks out over Larry being in the show. This fan also is a weed dealer and says she wants a selfie with him later.

And Yes, They Do Mentioned His New Bleached Skin And New Nose.

Phil leaves as his brother can be a real asshole. However, Edwards is waiting for him. We learn more that Edwards might have helped in Phil no longer being a cop. We also learn more about this through newspaper clippings that Phil is reading while drinking as she testified against him at a hearing that took away Phil’s badge. Bubbles comes in to inform her boss that she is taking off for the night and offers Phil to go get drink with her. Phil passes as he is already drinking. We see that Bubbles really likes Phil as she sees him as a good guy.

At a mansion that is playing Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up, Larry is in a hot tub with a fine looking lady.

We see the wrap party of the show that Larry shot himself and we learn what was going on with some of the cast. We learn that Ezra and Cara are cousins. Why is that important, you ask?

Because They Are Doing Some Incest And Are Now Married With Kids.

We also learn that Phil (when he was a cop) and the human of the Happytime Gang Jenny used to be an item.

The lady goes to get the two drinks. With the music and the blender, she never hears what is going outside as a cloaked figure sends dogs that rip up Larry.

When the girl finally notices, it is too late as Larry is ripped apart and killed. A scene later, the cops arrive and Phil gets to learn the horrible news that his brother is dead.

Edwards comes in and makes a terrible joke about someone having a real bad pinata party, which causes Phil to tackle her into the hot tub.

Edwards Definitely Deserves This Considering How Heartless That Statement Was.

Lt. Banning has had enough of them fighting and makes both Phil and Connie work together on this case, although it can’t really be recognized publicly due to Phil’s past. Phil immediately recognizes that whoever took out Larry also took out Bumbly as they are going after actors from The Happytime Gang.

Connie and Phil head to the offices of the show’s producer Ronovan Scargle. While heading there, they shows their hatred by trying to out-smoke each other in a car while not rolling down the windows.

I Don’t See How This Could Go Wrong In Any Way.

At Ronovan’s office, we see that he is Michael McDonald in some white hair die.

We see that Ronovan is an asshole to puppets who doesn’t care about them and thinks all they do is just sing and dance. Connie basically distracts Ronovan by talking about the view with him while signaling that Phil should steal the info. Ronovan gets a little too much of an asshole for Phil that Phil basically knocks him out with one of the Tibetan marble balls.

They then take the syndication contract and leave as Ronovan is out like a light. The contract says that the cast gets to split $10 million up front, which may explain why they are being axed off as someone may want a bigger piece of the pie. So it basically is down to all the actors of the Happytime Gang being suspects. We learn that Coach Lyle from the show has become a drug seller and pimp. They bust into his hideout and Lyle is upset as he reveals that humans are not allowed here.

Also Voice By Kevin Clash

Phil then reveals that Connie is not all human as Edwards has a puppet liver. They make her prove it by snorting some sugar, an addictive drug to puppets, but too much would OD a human into a diabetic coma.

Connie initially passes out, but she ends up getting back up and feeling high as a kite.

Afterwards, Lyle and Phil go outside to talk as Lyle is very sorry to hear about Larry’s death. Inside, some of the puppet gang members decide to be assholes to the puppet women there and Edwards decides that she needs to set them straight via some ass-kicking. She forces one of the puppets to apologize via gunpoint.

Connie then goes to the back room to get more high off of the sugar.

Back outside, Lyle reveals he blew all his money on sex and drugs after the wife and kids left him. A SUV rolls up as part of a drive by shooting that kills Lyle.

The car does drive away and Lyle’s death has become a crime scene. And since Connie his high, she starts talking nonsense about Apaches and stuff, which Phil tries to cover for by saying that she is suffering a cold and took some medicine for it. When Phil asks what they are going to do about it, Banning says that he can put protection on Jenny, but Ezra and Cara live in Lancaster, which is out of his jurisdiction and nobody knows where Goofer is as he reportedly is living on the Santa Monica Pier these days. The next day, Phil and Connie decide to split up and work on opposite leads as she will go looking for Goofer while Phil looks for Jenny, but first Phil has to go back to his office. In his office, Sandra is waiting.

Sandra talks about another letter coming to her which gave a photo of her and a stripper (who is Jenny). After that whole thing, Sandra starts putting the moves on Phil.

Yep….That Is A CGI Tongue

Phil decides what the hell and the two start having sex.

As this is going on, Lt. Banning shows up with an FBI agent in Campbell.

They of course can hear all this, but decide to wait anyway as sometimes the sex gets pressed against the glass. He then jizzes all over Sandra.

I’ll Just Save You From Showing His Silly String Ejaculate And Basically Say The Horney Owl Is Weirded Out By This

Sandra leaves as after some awkward bits, Phil is introduced to Agent Campbell, who kinda has Phil already pegged for the murders as he is a raging asshole who is extremely prejudice against puppets. Phil does help matters by decided to run away.

At the beach area, Connie goes looking to see if anyone has seen Goofer. She comes across bums in a boar and a crab. The crab tries to get her to show her boobs and at some point, Connie just punts the Crab away. The boar talks saying that all he knows is Goofer is hard on the sugar and is in that sugar den on San Julian Street. Connie pays the boar for the info, but the boar eats the money.

Phil reasons that if the feds put him in the slammer, there is no way he could find the real killer so he ran and is now heading to the strip club that Jenny now works at. Jenny is in the middle of making some rabbit pervs are, but peeling a carrot and biting it.  

Phil goes to Jenny and says the two need to talk. After Jenny gets set to talk, Phil asks about the photo with her and Sandra and Jenny says she doesn’t know her. Phil wonders how Jenny can be so casual about things when three of her former Happytime Gang cast-members have been murdered. Jenny says she is trying not to think about it and says the she does have cops on her, but basically she has to keep working until the money from syndication comes through. We definitely see the two still have feelings for each other.

Meanwhile, Connie is at San Julien Street when she gets stopped by some hookers with this line of dialogue.

Hooker #1: Hey, Handsome.

Hooker #2: You looking for some Rotten Cotton?

Connie: I’m a woman!

Hooker #1: That’s okay.

Hooker #2: That’s even better.

Connie walks by them and enters the Sugar House. It is there that she finds Goofer.

Connie tries to ask about the murders, but Goofer only wants to have sugar and is willing to suck a dick for it. It’s basically a dead end as Goofer spouts nonsense and passes out. He does mention something about a wife though.

Back with Phil and Jenny, Phil walks Jenny to her car after talking about how things used to be. But as Jenny enters, the car blows up.

Phil is heartbroken after seeing this happen as he believes Jenny is dead and in most circumstances, she would be. However, this is a movie and I’ve seen too many stuff of fiction to know that just because a car blows up with them normally in it, does not mean they are dead. So yeah, we’ll see…

Phil decides that he needs to hide out so he seeks refuge at Connie’s house. And we immediately see that Connie is a bit of a slob.

Phil sees Connie passed out and after putting a blanket on her, Connie starts cleaning out the place of all the sugar and reminiscing about the old times in an old photo. Phil then goes back to the day where he missed a criminal who was holding Connie hostage and accidentally killing a passer by who was walking with his daughter.

Connie tries to get the gun away from the criminal and gets shot in the liver herself, but she is eventually able to shoot the criminal. Connie asks how Phil could miss and he admits that he choked. Connie is near death so Phil takes her to the one clinic nearby, which is a puppet clinic. Through force, Phil gets the doctors to do a liver transplant so that is of course the reason Connie has a puppet liver.

Phil is then awoken by Connie, who is in disbelief that he broke in and cleaned her house. Phil explains that he has no where else to go and tells her that Jenny is dead. Connie then gets a phone call that they found Goofer dead under the pier.

Again, Agent Campbell shows his assholish point of view, but Connie is able to get away without them knowing that she has seen Phil. She relays to Phil the message about Goofer saying a wife did it so they assume that Ezra and Cara did it. So they go to their address and while there, the two make up over past mistakes and are partners and friends again. At the house (which is a restaurant), they find the kids.

Puppet Incest Messes Up The Kids

They two find Ezra and Cara, but find that they have been long murdered.

Suddenly, the FBI shows up and arrests both Connie and Phil.

In the interrogation room, both Phil and Connie find out that Sandra is lying about Phil saying he committed the murders as they were having an affair and Phil wanted them to run away together. We also learn that Sandra was married to Jenny (oh and both their last name is Peterson). Oh and they do the Basic Instinct spot where we see the hair on Sandra’s vagina and without showing you a picture, let’s just say it is purple. After all of that, we see Phil get sent to jail as Banning also now believes that Phil committed the murders.

Connie has a moment where she attacks Campbell after he talks like a prejudice dick and gets suspended, which she tells everyone to go fuck off, except Donnie who she says she wish she had fucked.

Hi, Melissa McCarthy’s Husband

Connie heads home after being suspended and is met by Bubbles, who snuck into her house at some time. Bubbles tells Connie that she needs to help Phil as they will do horrible things to a puppet ex-cop in prison. Bubbles says she has been searching records of Sandra White and found out there are no records of a Sandra White before two years ago. However, she did trail Sandra to a rat trap apartment in Hollywood, which is where they head to.

They break into the apartment with Bubbles’ lock picking skills. She sees that the place is basically barren other than some furniture. It is there that they finds a secret room with the windows taped up. Connie tries to kick the door down, but it doesn’t work and she thinks she just broke her hymen (she didn’t). Bubbles once again picks the lock rather easily.

In this locker room, they find that Sandra has been following where the Happytime Gang has been for a long time. We also see that she has a bit of a grudge against Phil Phillips. We then find out that Sandra White was the daughter of the man who Phil accidentally killed when he missed that criminal he was aiming for.

And They Use That Whole Pubic Hair Scene To Hammer It Home, Which Again…I’m Not Showing You.

And basically they realized that this room is basically a signed confession of her committing the murders so if they leave and inform the police, Phil should be out of prison in no time.

Oh God Dammit

Yes, Bubbles decides to press play and of course, it is a trap that sets the apartment on fire. They do escape from the burning building, but all that evidence has gone up in smoke.

It Can Never Be That Easy, Can It?

Meanwhile, in a cell, Phil is getting attacked by a few of his cellmates.

The guard tells them to knock it off and reveals that Phil has a visitor. That visitor is Connie who reveals that they know that Sandra White is the killer, but all the evidence they had on her got burned in a fire. Connie now has the plan of busting Phil out of here, but first…she needs to shoot him in the shoulder.

In the ambulance, Phil is treated by an anti-puppet EMT, who Connie chloroforms while Phil gets out of his handcuffs. Connie then chloroforms the driver too offscreen. Connie calls Bubbles to reveal the escape is on and they need to know where Sandra is. She reveals that Sandra booked a private plane that leaves out to Rio in 30 minutes so they need to get there fast.

They get there fast and Phil handcuffs Connie to the steering wheel so he can do this alone. Phil enters and confronts Sandra.

Phil tries to apologize for the shooting years ago, but Sandra tells him to go fuck himself. She reveals that she killed the gang so she could watch him suffer, knowing that people he knew were dying and there was nothing he could do about it. She also says that while this all started as revenge, Phil made her realize that she loved killing and she is really good at it. We then find out that Jenny isn’t dead as she was in on the whole thing.

Jenny has a gun and makes Phil drop his. Jenny stands next to Sandra and Sandra wants her to kill Phil. Jenny second guesses this idea so Sandra just knocks her out with a briefcase and has her security take Phil away to take care of him.

The security tries to kill Phil by throwing him into a propeller, but Connie breaks out of her handcuffs and saves him. Connie goes after Sandra and gets caught in the same situation as years ago where she is a hostage and Phil has the gun at Sandra.

After a minute, Phil shoots and this time is able to hit Sandra in the head.

After Connie and Phil congratulate each other for doing good. The authorities come by and we never see Jenny get arrested so maybe that steel briefcase to the head killed her. In the ambulance, Bubbles tends to Phil and Phil finally asks Bubbles out on a date, which Bubbles is happy to accept.

Connie hears about the news and tells Phil not to fuck this one up as she is one of the good ones. Lt. Banning comes in and takes Connie off suspension as well having a word with the captain to get the mayor to remove the Phillips code, making him allowed to be reinstated as a cop. Campbell shows up in his expensive car to be a complete asshole and an anti-puppet. They basically expose him as a big idiot, even saying FBI stands for Fucking Big Idiot. The film ends with credits to the song of “I Want Candy” by Bow Wow Wow.

Also Sandra Is Singing And Other Puppets Are In The Music Video As Well.

And They Show Making Of The Film Scenes, Which Shows Them Having Fun….Making Me Hate To Not Like This Film.

With plenty of bad reviews and trailers not looking good, it wouldn’t shock you to learn that The Happytime Murders bombed at the box office, making $27.5 million while costing a $40-45 million to make. It got the lowest opening day ever of Melissa McCarthy’s career. It also is nominated for almost all the Razzies as well, but of course…the Razzie winners have not come out yet.

As for the aftermath of the cast & crew, everyone is doing just fine right now. Melissa McCarthy is still not struggling as she also has an Oscar nomination for Best Actress for her role in Can You Ever Forgive Me. Everyone else is doing just fine and in a rare moment which I am happy for, no one has died yet.

Now for my final opinion on the film. As a guy who likes puppetry and most stuff with puppet entertainment, I can definitely say I did not like this film. It wasn’t even close to the worst of the year, but it was a huge disappointment. The acting is not that good and the jokes aren’t funny, with several going on way longer than they should have which seems to be also something Melissa McCarthy likes to do. What may work in a stand-up special does not work in a movie where we have a set time limit. The raunchy stuff is just meh and again, you are not going to beat Meet The Feebles. Basically, this is a film that suffered from its countless delays and rewrites to ultimately become a husk of what it originally was supposed to be.

So with that done, you can now enjoy the rest of this Groundhog’s Day (Yay, Phil didn't see his shadow) and enjoy the Super Bowl tomorrow. Now let’s see what I have next to induct….

Well, It Seems You’re Doing A Vampuary Anyway Since A Vampire Film Basically Ran Away With Your Poll. It Is A Sequel To A Film You Like That Was Made Way Too Late And Was Crapped Out On DVD.