Friday, July 28, 2017

Monster Crap Inductee: The Erotic Ghost (2001)

Monster Crap Inductee: The Erotic Ghost
Scooby Doo Wouldn’t Even Be Afraid Of This Ghost


Last month, we had fun with the 1970s spoof of a serial that came out before the Hollywood film adaptation in Flesh Gordon. Well, if you were expecting even close to the same fun in 2001’s The Erotic Ghost, well then…sorry. This film is an extreme borefest that I had trouble staying awake to. And this being a porno, the sex scenes here are ungodly long.

What’s Wrong With That?

Nothing, I guess…unless you are forced to watch the whole movie like I am and not a masturbation freak like you are.

Hey!!! There was no call for that!!!

Maybe…but this movie is so boring, it sort of pisses me off you would make me watch this…and even worse, there is no way I can send this back and say no monsters are in it, because there is a ghost and there are demons.

Yeah, I make sure to watch these films myself to make sure there is one before sending them your way. I’m not going by the title anymore…

Oh joy…

Hey, I don’t appreciate the sarcasm either. But since I’m in a good move, I’ll help you out with the intro.

In the 2000s, there was a great man who decided to enter porn in John Bachus.

You know he started directing in 1989 and his first porn film was in 1998.

Yeah, but in the 2000s, he was making more than one a year. Anyway, in this film, he also is the male lead. But let’s forget him as it is the females I care about.

First, we have a cast member of a past Monster Crap inductee in Tammy Parks.

And despite her being 6 years older, I say she still looks good as you will see. But our real female lead is the one and only Darian Caine.

She was in all three Erotic Witch Projects, Mistress Frankenstein, Gladiator Eroticvs: The Lesbian Warriors, and in later years (after this film), she was in Playmate of the Apes and Lust For Dracula.

If it is anything like Lust For Frankenstein, I’ll pass.

Well, when I win The Fantasy Football Bet again, you won’t get that chance to pass. Besides, Jess Franco didn’t direct Lust For Dracula.

Oh and Debbie Rochon is in this film as well.

I have heard of her. She did some Troma films.

Yeah, and she has been in some films as well like Lusty Busty Fantasies, The Vampire’s Seduction, Sextrospective and also Playmate Of The Apes (even though she was in ape costume for that film). I could say another film, but since that name actually gives bad memories of a tragedy that happened 12 years after this film came out, I won’t.

What film is that?

I’ll whisper it to ya.

*Porno Pete whispers in Seth’s ear and Seth’s eyes get bigger.*

Yeah, let’s not mention that. Anyway…anything else?

Other than two porn actresses who didn’t have much of a career as they lasted only 6 years at the most, not really.

Well, then let’s get this mundane induction over with.

So we begin this film with crappy opening credits.

Prepare For Power Point Credits

So after that less than a minute opening credits scene, we get some playtime with a mistress and a slave and before you ask, yes…..some terms in the porn world I do know about and don’t need Porno Pete to explain them to me.

And If You Are Wondering Why This Woman Had Vampire Like Teeth, Beats The Hell Out Of Me Because She Isn’t A Vampire.

The mistress orders her slave to undress and then kiss her feet.

Jerry “The King” Lawler Might Like This Action

Gene Snitsky May Be Jealous

We then get a long drawn out sex scene (which will be one of several that this film has). We also reveal that this our titular (please don’t joke about that) ghost and a housewife named Doris. But this is all a fantasy as Doris is actually having sex with her husband Robert so basically as he is having sex with her, she is imagining having sex with someone else.

By The Way, This Robert Guy Is Also Played By The Director. Gee…..I Wonder Why?

He gets his rocks off as she looks on in the distance. You can already basically get the idea that yeah, she is bored by her sex life.

Horny Owl Wishes He Had A Better Spot To Show Up At Than This Scene.

And good news is that is the only sex we have to deal with the director.

Thank God For That

Robert asks what Doris has planned for today and his wife says basically the same old thing. Robert doesn’t seem to care and he thinks this is just okay. Robert talks about how they hired a new guy at work and he is a pain in the ass and while he was hired to help him, he husband feels the new guy is trying to steal his job. Doris says he needs the help as he complains to her about work. When Robert asks what she is going to do today (a question she was basically already asked), she says that she might commit suicide. Robert of course doesn’t care and he says that’s nice. Okay, if you are married to a woman or man, do not just say that is nice to the answer of committing suicide, just don’t. We’ve lost so many people to suicide as it is and we don’t need more.

We then go to the kitchen as Robert asks if they have any Jim-Jims (lord knows what that is) and she says they are out. Robert was looking forward to some as he goes and drinks his coffee while reading the paper. He talks about how they are building some bridge and I am almost feeling like Doris here.

This Is My Fucking Life

As Robert continues his boring steak, our erotic ghost shows up.

By The Way, This Ghost Will Be Naked Through The Rest Of The Film. Yeah, That Opening As A Mistress Is The Only Time She Wore Clothes In This Film.

Doris can’t believe she is seeing this and Robert doesn’t even notice. Robert heads to work.

And we get a shot of the building he works at.

Be Warned, It Is This Type Of Movie Folks.

So Robert works at Barker Benton McManus as we meet Bob.

And yes, Bob is the type of guy who will kinda be friends with you while ready to stab you in the back. We see Robert head to his office with a bored look on his face.

He sees several post it notes about what his schedule is and Robert also does not wanna work here. Then this happens.

What Have I Walked Into?

Meanwhile we get this character who we only see from this view and………just look.

Do I Need To Say Anything More

This guy who everyone calls Scooter (although he is never in the credits) introduces us to some of the other people working at Barker Benton McManus. Like Mr. Barker

This guy who has an obsession with baseball.

And Brenda, who is one of the worst employees ever as she will be disrespectful to co-workers and on the phone with personal issues.

Scooter then tries to ask her out, but she ignores him. He also gives mail to Robert and Robert wants him to go away. He talks to Bob about his first week working here and Bob says he has been here for 5 weeks. He also says that misinformation may be a bad business call and tells him to get his shit together. Bob also asks where Robert keeps his files and Scooter doesn’t respond.

We then go back to the house as Doris is going to take a shower. And this whole shower is done in real time so if you just want to see a naked hot woman take a regular quick shower with nothing special, here you go. Oh and she also dries off with the music trying to say this is steaming rather than uninteresting. But she realizes she has what looks to be a vampire bite.

Once Again, I Have To Say This Ghost Is Not A Vampire So This Is Nonsense.

This concerns Doris, but we head back to Robert’s work and Brenda is playing solitaire instead of working.

If You Are Wondering How She Is Not Fired Yet, It Will Be Explained And It Will Be The Dumbest Explanation Ever.

This baseball guy asks Scooter if he has ever heard of Red McTeague? He says Red was a famous manager in the 40s-50s who won a ton of games. By the way, as a guy who knows a lot of history and sports, I can tell you this guy never existed. This baseball obsessed nut says that Red always said that “It Aint Over Till You Win Or You Lose”. He says that losing sucks and it’s like in the office where if you have a bad day, you go home a loser. This nut says that he goes home to his supermodel wife and has hot anal sex with her and her sister so it takes the sting out of losing for him. Sure you do, buddy……..sure you do.

We go back to Robert, who continues working after getting a glass of water and some Alka-Seltzer. Then as the water fizzes, he just stares at it. Bob finally shows up and asks how Robbie is doing. Bob then pokes him as he explains he was doing the same shit Robert was doing at his last job. He also talks about how he did a good job in scoring the Johnson contract. Bob wants to work with him on the Johnson account and Robert passes on his offer.

He gets a call and it is from Doris. Doris explains that she just wanted to hear the sound of Robert’s voice. Doris also says she loves him and he says great before hanging up as he has something to do. That something is to get Bob out of his office as the guy has an office of his own. Bob tries to still work with him on the Johnson account and Robert imagines strangling Bob.

Back with Doris, she is cleaning dishes in the sink and who should come but our ghost to start molesting her.

And thus an 8 minute sex scene commences.

I Must Notice That At Some Point The Music Changed Tracks In Between This Sex Scene

We go back to the office as Brenda has fallen asleep playing Minesweeper.

Meanwhile baseball freak (whose name is Ted) wants to play roughhouse with Scooter.

How Does Anyone Get Anything Done Around Here?

Then random text appears with Robert staring at us.

While Some Strange Indian Music Plays

Bob wakes him out of the funk again asking how he is doing. He has also gotten Mr. Barker here and reveals that he has snuck in his own analytics on the Johnson Report. Bob also got him some coffee and a bagel. Bob also asks if Mr. Barker wants to drive some balls with him over the weekend and the boss likes this idea. Yep, Bob has revealed he is a prick after Robert’s job.

Then we get this awkward moment of Doris staring at the toaster.

Durr…..Butter Toast

She looks the other way after it is done and the ghost is winking at her.

Mmm….I Like Toast Too

Doris then decides to follow the butt naked ghost and follows her upstairs. The ghost poses in the bedroom and then disappears. She hears a noise in the basement and the ghost reappears downstairs to lead Doris to the basement, where there are two devils.

Who Proceed To Have Lesbian Sex For 12 Minutes!

Even Pervy Alien Is Falling Asleep

They want Doris to join them and she runs away.

We then join Robert back in his office where more text appears above his head.

Robert then has an image of Bob and Mr. Barker laughing at him with a red tint to know this isn’t real.

Robert then decides to talk to Brenda, who doesn’t know who he is or anyone for that matter (wanting a memo pad). He reveals they had sex during the Christmas Party and she laughs about how ridiculous that would be for her to have sex with this loser. Also she says if he is telling people that, it is sexual harassment. He just gives up and leaves.

Robert goes back to his office, where Bob comes back in and makes some more jokes about Robert. Robert then gets his devil conscience who says to just kill Bob.

Then more molestation as Doris is molested by the devils while trying to sleep.

Basically this is non-consensual that turns into consensual and……..this is a waste of time. This lasts for 8 minutes and then disappear, but the ghost returns.

Back at work, Robert reveals that he has bought a freaking gun.

Nice Toy Gun

He then goes and shoots Bob, killing him.

How does everyone react? Run and panic like normal people do? Nope.

They Just See This And Go About Their Day.

Then Mr. Barker comes in and he wants to see Robert in his office.

Back at home, Doris is sitting on the couch naked…as you do, I guess. Suddenly, one of the devils shows up.

Hey, Honey……At Least You Aren’t Watching TV And Eating Cheetos.

So the devil shows up speaking in pure whatever (yeah, these devils speak in echoes for some reason). The devil takes Doris with her and blindfolds her.

She Might Need A Cigarette Too………Oh, It Isn’t That Reason To Blindfold Her.

Anyway, the one devil plays with her in a sex scene that takes several minutes and a strap-on for 7 minutes.

Back at the office, Mr. Barker called Robert to his office because he doesn’t like his productivity as of lately. So he promotes him.


Oh yeah, at this firm, they don’t want to fire anyone because of paperwork or some BS so they hope to motivate them to do more by promoting them. The salary would be the same since they aren’t doing better, but yeah….promotion like with Brenda, who is doing probably even worse than when she was promoted. Game show host from Billy Madison, can you come in.

What You Just Said May Be The One Of The Most Insane Idiotic Things I Have Ever Heard. At No Point In Your Rambling, Incoherent Response Were You Even Close To Anything That Could Be Considered A Rational Thought. Everyone In This Room Is Now Dumber For Having Listened To It. I Award You No Points, And May God Have Mercy On Your Soul.

And you want to know the worst thing? I didn’t want to use that Billy Madison line. I mean it’s great and all, but that needs to be not thrown in there all willy-nilly. That needs to be used for something so goddamn stupid that it needs to be put in there and this boss’ whole spiel about promoting terrible employees instead of firing them, that takes the fucking cake. Also, Robert admits he just shot and killed Bob, and the boss doesn’t care. So Robert isn’t going to jail here for murder. In no world, does this even make a lick of sense….even in the world with The Purge because everyone would be home and…god, even this film makes The Purge series seem more intelligent.

Oh and his new office is basically the broom closet. He obviously wants to be fired, but they won’t and for some dumb reason he doesn’t want to quit this job either. Robert even asks what they do here and he gets no answer on what they do some this is just lazy writing.

So saleswoman from Pink Pussycat Cosmetics comes knocking on the door to the house that Doris lives in and Doris comes out naked and invites her in.

Yeah, I Wouldn’t Do That. There Is Something Wrong With This Lady Clearly. Also This Probably The Same Actress Who Plays The Ghost.

So the saleswoman comes inside. Oh and of no surprise, Doris springs on the saleswoman after a few minutes and tries to have sex with her. This saleswoman even wants her to get off her so she is definitely saying no so this is fucking rape. Two movies in a row where I have to deal with rape.

That’s No Good

But like before, this non-consensual sex turns into consensual sex pretty fucking fast. Back at the office, Bob is going home and now he looks pale.

As he is leaving, he hears laughter and it is Brenda talking about Robert with Ted, the baseball freak. Robert just leaves without a care in the world.

Oh And I Would Say They Have Paint On Them, But They Were Always That White. 

Robert goes to his car and runs into a gorilla with balloons.

Oh And This Gorilla Shows Up In The Final Credits Without Saying A Line, But Scooter Has No Name To Him In The Credits. Also The Saleswoman Has No Name To Her Credits So I Can Only Guess It Is The Actress Who Was The Ghost As Her By Appearance

Robert looks back at the gorilla and sees himself in the suit.

Irish music is playing that has been playing in the past too as well as the Indian music at times. Robert comes home and sees his wife doing what with saleswoman, Bill and Ted?

69, Dudes!!!!

Robert sees this and walks toward the sofa where Ghost Bob is waiting for him. The final shot of the film is Robert just sitting there as Ghost Bob looks on disapprovingly as Robert turns the movie off

Not much to say about anyone in this film. Nothing to say about how this movie did either other than John Bachus and crew still did more movies. So let’s get to the final thoughts. This movie is boring as all hell. When the sex scenes aren’t long that you’ll probably already got your rocks off and stopped watching, the other stuff is just so goddamn tedious and fucking stupid at times like the whole Bob murdering a guy and then getting promoted. The women are attractive, I won’t disagree there because you need that in a porn and after Lust For Frankenstein, that isn’t a given. But they really are not good actresses and sometimes give us moments that take you out of the movie like the one time Doris is looking at a toaster. I really would recommend you not see this and also, I can consider this the worst porn movie I have ever reviewed because even Lust For Frankenstein had some interesting moments (although I will say the sex scenes in this are better than Lust For Frankenstein as all the woman who are naked are at least attractive in The Erotic Ghost unlike the other one where one of the women in LFF who looked old and the monster had so much effect to make her unattractive).

So what is next?

Well, next is a return of Fred Olen Ray as we dive into another one of his films as Nicholas Medina. And I wasn’t sure if this one would count since the monster is barely in it, but there is a dinosaur so it counts and that is.

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