Monster Crap Induction: Black Christmas
A Remake That Makes My Heart Three Sizes Too Small
In 1974, Bob Clark made his fifth film, Black Christmas. The film starred Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder and was about a killer who sneaked into a girl’s dormitory and starts killing the girls. It is very creepy and predates the film that a lot of people love to say was responsible for the slasher genre in John Carpenter’s film, Halloween. Not to spoil too much, but the killer kills people and the surviving girl finds out that the killer was always inside the house from the calls from the killer throughout the film that were traced, something that pre-dated a well-known film that did this in Where A Stranger Calls.
While it didn’t get the love and respect from the American audience upon its initial release, it was beloved by the audience of where it was filmed (which is Canada) and years later, many people have gotten around to calling it a classic in the slasher genre and a huge classic in the realm of Christmas horror films, which is something that exists.
You Might Have Heard Of One That Came Out This Year Called Krampus. I Saw It And I Loved The Film. I Am Also Glad To Tell You That Unlike The Film That We Will Be Reviewing, This Film Did Well In The Box Office.
Anyway, Bob Clark was thankfully be able to rebound from a film that was not given the respect it deserved initially with the comedy Porky’s and then ironically a Christmas film that was everything unlike Black Christmas in A Christmas Story.
If You Have Never Heard Of This Christmas Film, I Really Have A Lot Questions About How You Were Raised.
I love the original Black Christmas and it really is a film that you really shouldn’t watch with the lights out.
Especially When You Have Scenes Like This.
So when I heard there was a remake being made about this film, I was really happy to see what they could do for a modern setting. And yes, for those asking, I didn’t really grasp the whole idea that I should be dreading remakes of films these days. So you might imagine my extreme anger when I came out of seeing this remake in theaters. And I have heard the defenders of this film (including the man who runs Good Bad Flicks (cheap plug)) who like this film for having the feeling of a Christmas film with its lighting and colors while also being a film that didn’t shy away from being gory. It was rated R after all and not a PG-13, which can be done right (see Krampus again), but it more often than not fails (see The Fog remake). But I am going to show you while I will admit that this film does have those, it fails in so many other areas. So let’s get this film that would be equivalent to a piece of coal if you gave it to me for Christmas.
We begin with a look at the sorority house, where our nightmare will be taking place.
I Normally Don’t Say This, But The Christmas Lights Placement On This House Makes It Look A Bit Tacky.
We then go to Clair writing the card on her gift to her sister Leigh.
And She Is Drinking Wine. Because If You Are Going Through The Hassle Of Wrapping Presents, You Might As Well Get A Little Buzzed While Doing It.
She puts the pen down because she needs to think of what to write her sister on the card. She hears noises from the closet and goes to investigate. Now in the original, this is where the most well-known kill in the film happens as Clare (same name, just spelled differently) gets attacked by plastic wrapping that is normally used to keep a suit wrinkle free and suffocated to death. That doesn’t happen here and that’s okay because you really don’t want to copy everything from the original.
Instead Clair sees nothing in the closet and goes back to write the card, but we see that someone is hiding under the bed.
Clair goes to write more on the card other than her sister’s name, but she finds that the pen is missing. Suddenly, her head is wrapped under a plastic bag and as she tries to breath and escape, she gets stabbed by the pen.
And With That Kill, We Get Our Opening Title Card
We then go to a sanitarium where a worker is passing out Christmas food to the inmates. The worker drops a small carton of milk which jars the door open.
Hmm….Maybe This Will Be Used To Have Someone Sneak In And Get An Inmate Out. (Spoiler: Nope)
So the worker passes out food and we see someone with black gloves coming in. The black boots are sneaking behind the person and we get a little attempt at humor as one of the inmates acts like a disciple.
And Gets No Food For That Shit Because The Worker Is Kind Of A Dick
The worker turns around and meets the black gloved and black botted figure who is…
Hi Santa (Oh And Two Years After This Film) This Actor Would Be Some Guy Named Chet In Twilight: New Moon. Lovely…
The worker asks the guy in the Santa suit how he got in here and Santa reveals the door was open and he got lost on the way to the children’s ward. The worker goes back to see the milk leaves the door ajar and takes the milk out so it stays close. A black guard comes by and reveals this isn’t a place for Santa.
He then sees a cell for a William Edward Lenz, who he asks if it is Billy Lenz, the man who killed his family on Christmas when the guy in the Santa suit was a kid. The guard says it is and He decides against that idea. The black guard reveals that the padlock to his cell is for Billy Lenz is he wants to feel at home (especially on Christmas) since he was locked in the attic. The guard also reveals that every year, Billy tries to escape his cell so he can go home.
The worker then gives Billy his Christmas Eve dinner, which is Christmas cookies, a candy cane, and some chicken. The worker says that it is the closest they could get to how his mom used to taste, which means Billy might have eaten his mom’s body.
Time to make or ruin a friend of mine’s Raymond Gallant’s day. The actor who played this worker went on 4 years later to provide the voice for a memorable character in one of his favorite shows. What role is that, you may ask?
Billy opens his hole on the door and grabs the food.
We then go to a car where Kelli is making out with her boyfriend Kyle.
You Might Remember The Actress Who Plays Kelli As The Actress Who Plays Kris in The Terrible Nightmare On Elm Street Remake
Kyle tries to get her to stay with him for Christmas, but Kelli is insistent that she must stay with her sorority sisters on Christmas as is tradition for them. But she then says she will stay with Kyle after Christmas to make up for this tradition not giving them time for each other on Christmas, besides when Kelli has to work. Kelli says she has never been with a big family before like her sisters are and Kyle says he is her family now. She laughs, says she loves him, and leaves.
We then see Kyle getting a phone call and we see it is from another sorority sister, Megan, who is upset with him.
We don’t know why she is upset with him and we’ll find out later why. Meanwhile, we meet most of the rest of the sisters in Melissa, Heather, and Dana and their house mother in Ms. Mac.
Let’s talk about these actresses. Melissa is played by Michelle Trachtenberg, who started out on The Adventures of Pete and Pete, was the lead in Nickelodeon’s first film Harriet The Spy, was the very unpopular with the fans Dawn Summers on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and was Jenny in the cult comedy film Eurotrip. Basically Michelle is known for being one of those child stars who was able to transition into being an adult actress. Heather is played by Mary Elizabeth Winstead, who you might remember as the star in that The Thing Prequel.
As I have mentioned in that induction, any time I see Mary Elizabeth Winstead in a film, I know I am going to hate it and I mentioned that she was terrible in this film so we will get to her annoying character in this induction later. Dana is played by Lacey Chabert, She was well known as a TV actress on Party of Five and as a voice actress for The Wild Thornberries. And Mrs. Mac is perfect casting as they got Andrea Martin to play her. Who is Andrea Martin, you ask? Well, she is well known as a comedian as she was one of the members of SCTV and even before that, she was actually in the original Black Christmas.
She Was Phyllis
Anyway, Ms. Mac is unhappy because Billy’s present isn’t under the Christmas tree because the sorority does a tradition of giving Billy a present as he used to live here. Dana wants to get this over with because she doesn’t like her family so Christmas time is not the best time for her and wants to just be a party girl. Heather is a spoiled princess, that’s it. Melissa kinda of snarky and talks about Clair needing to spend time with her half-sister and mom in attempts to bury the hatchet. Dana says she wants to bury the hatchet right on her sister’s head.
Back at the sanitarium, Billy gives the guard a present, which is basically a note that says he’ll be home for Christmas. The night guard looks in his room and doesn’t see Billy there, but does see a giant hole in the wall. So he opens the cell to investigate the hole and not what most guards would do, check everywhere else first to make sure he isn’t playing some distraction game. And why does he do this, you ask? So Billy can play the distraction game and sneak up from under the bed and the candy cane he has sharpened into the guard’s neck.
Few problems with this. One, like I said….if a prisoner was believed to might have escaped…the warning bells would be sounded and Billy’s little plan would fail because he didn’t have long enough to escape through the hole and out of the sanitarium since a minute ago, we saw him in the damn rocking chair. Two, real candy canes would not be widely given to inmates as they could easily create a shiv with that like Billy did in this film to kill the guard. Three, that sanitarium door would screw him from escaping because unless the worker somehow left a milk carton again on the door again to leave it ajar, as the door is really closed from the outside. Billy only escapes the sanitarium due to complete incompetence.
Back at the sorority house, Kelli tries to get people to come down to open up their presents, but nobody comes out. Suddenly, we meet Lauren.
She tries to help Kelli, but banging on the door and threatening to take the present for herself if the person they are knocking at isn’t downstairs. They do the same thing to Megan and Megan tells them to “Fuck Christmas”. We then see why Megan is not happy.
Yep…Megan Had Slept With Kyle And The Video Is Online
Megan starts hearing noises from the ceiling and goes to investigate.
And We See Clair’s Bag Covered Head On The Rocking Chair Because That Was Done In The Original
Megan’s investigation leads her to the attic, which idiotically, she decides to investigate herself. Her reward for this stupidity is a plastic bag over the head and a sharp object to the head.
Then the killer takes her eyeballs out of her head manually.
Okay, movie…I know the plastic bag kill was a popular kill in the original film, but you already did that kill. You don’t need to do that kill over and over and over again, which guess what, this film does.
Back at the sanitarium, where the guy in the Santa gets hit on by a female worker.
A Female Worker Who Was The Pink Ranger In Power Rangers SPD
Santa here wants some action so he waits for her to get off her shift so he can sleep around, but Billy has other ideas.
We then see someone in a Santa suit carrying a bag out of the sanitarium. He dumps the bag that has the original guy in the Santa suit’s body in it and takes the suit off so we can realize that Billy has now escaped from the sanitarium.
Although I hate to say this, but as you know, Billy has jaundice so he has yellow skin and everyone in the sanitarium knows this. So Santa Billy walked by several people before leaving and I think one of them might have noticed the yellow skin. This isn’t a race thing, this is a rare disease thing and knowing you have an inmate with that so unless this place is run by morons, someone would make him reveal himself so he would know if he was Billy or not.
At the sorority house, Heather wants Ms. Mac to open her present first, but Ms. Mac says that tradition says Billy’s gift is opened first. Heather finally reveals that she was the one who drew Billy’s name in the Secret Santa, but hates this whole tradition for a serial killer. Melissa corrects her and says serial killers kill people over time, what Billy did which was kill people in one night, was a spree killing as he just lost it. She then says she is offended they do this offering to protect the place, but Lauren says nothing in Christmas is exactly Christian, which Heather obviously is. When Lauren finally goes into Santa breaking into people’s houses and wonders how that is different from Billy, Ms. Mac reveals what we have known all along, Billy lived here.
We then go back to the date of Billy’s birth and they explain that Billy was born with Jaundice, which we all knew. His mother and father don’t exactly like each other and because the mom doesn’t like the dad, she doesn’t like Billy as to her, he represents the dad.
And She Breaks A Ball That Says “Baby’s First Christmas 1970” Just Out Of Spite
I guess I should talk about Billy’s dad, who is played by Peter Wilds, who for a long time was a voice actor.
In fact, his voice actor roles include the English voice for Terry Bogard in the Fatal Fury anime series and as Dingo in that terrible Sonic Underground series.
Thankfully, I Will Never Have To Talk About That Dung Heap Of A Show
Then five years later, we see Billy having fun with his father on Christmas Eve and his mom lies and says that the Russians shot Santa out of the sky so there will be no Christmas this year.
The father tells Billy not to listen to his mother and tells him there is a present for him in the closet. Billy goes to the closet, but as he is opening his present. He hears a door open and we find out that the mother had been cheating on the father with another man. Billy goes downstairs and hides as he sees his father get killed by the two of them.
Billy then sneaks to underneath the house because this house has ways of having paths between the walls to get everywhere,
Billy’s jaundice face gets spotted and the two killers chase him. Billy goes to the attic and Mrs. Lenz decides to lock him in there.
Storytelling gets interrupted as there is a phone call to the house. They answer the phone and it is from a man, saying “She’s my family now”, along with other lines than makes you know this cannot come from one person unless this killer has a video recorder, this film is unbelievable. The original actually had ways that you could believe it was from one psychotic and demented killer so the original gets points over this one on that too.
Okay…Now I Am Imagining The Killer In This Film Having One Of These And I Am Laughing My Ass Off.
Heather wants the police to be called and Lauren says the police aren’t going to do anything about one prank call. Um…that wasn’t a prank call, the caller threatened to kill you. They check and we find out the calls came from Clair’s cell phone. Heather and Lauren have issues as it is obvious Lauren wishes she had Heather’s family support. We also meet Eve, the sister who says they are her family and they don’t like.
Wonder If Her Nickname Is Red And Her Last Name Is Herring.
She gives Heather a glass unicorn head because she knows Heather likes the bible and stuff.
Unicorns aren’t in the bible!!! Who the fuck wrote that line??!!!! If you wanted to have the glass unicorn head from the original to give as a gift, have Eve says she knows Heather likes mythology and stuff. Don’t be insulting my intelligence or that of anyone who is religious.
Anyway, as the rest are opening presents, we go back to the past with it being 1982. Mrs. Lenz is having sex with the man who is now the stepfather, but he falls asleep.
Sadly, she is still horny and there is only one other person in the house so she goes to the attic and rapes Billy, her own son.
Oh My Fucking God!!! Are You Serious With This Incestuous Pedophilic Rape??!!!
Nine months later, we see that Mrs. Lenz now has a daughter named Agnes.
She hears the rocking from the ceiling and Mrs. Lenz whispers that “She is my family now”. They then cut to Eve as if to continue the red herring BS as they follow her from behind as she disappears before getting her present. Ms. Mac says it is time for Lauren’s present, but Dana says all Lauren needs is a shot of Tequila, making fun of her obvious alcohol problem. Melissa reveals that she knows what her Secret Santa got Lauren, which is a music box that plays “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies”, which Lauren hates.
We also see that someone is outside climbing into the sorority and entering through Megan’s window. We then get to see more stupid stuff like Ms. Mac getting lingerie from someone. The phone call returns and it is from Megan’s phone. We get more noises that we know can’t come from one person unless they are a hermaphrodite voice actor. Melissa tries to call campus security, but it is revealed that they are unavailable during Christmas Break.
Kelli goes up to see if Megan is in her room and you know that person sneaking into the house through Megan’s room, well…it isn’t the killer unlike in the original who snuck into the attic.
It’s Kyle, Who Explains That He Wants To Spend Time With Kelli, Although We Really Know He Was Here To Take Care Of That Video On Megan’s Computer.
When asked if Megan was in her room, Kyle like an idiot says he doesn’t know…even though you know, you would know if she was in there if you snuck into the room. Heather even points that stupid thing out and Kyle becomes a dick. Oh and he even calls them spoiled bitches while then continuing the story of what happened to Billy Lenz.
We then go to 1991, where Billy sees the telescope set up in his room with a card on it. The card is from his mom and “step-dad” telling him to be good, which pisses him off. He uses the telescope to spy on another family celebrating Christmas. Downstairs, the step-dad is passed out on the couch from beer and a bong. We then see the mom give Agnes a doll for Christmas.
When she hears noises coming from upstairs, she wonders if it is Santa’s reindeer. The mom is insistent that there is nothing up there. She then asks if Agnes wants a Christmas cookie, before saying that Agnes is her cookie and she could gobble her up. As the mom goes into another room, Agnes notices something hiding behind the tree.
One Of The Biggest Problems In This Movie Is Billy Teleporting To Places Which Makes This Not Good. Also, The House Having Basic Secret Rooms In The Walls Is Just Pure Bullshit To Attempt To Explain His Teleportation Skills.
Billy’s mom gets a phone call and of course, it is from Billy. Yeah, Billy apparently has his own line which was never talked about. And before anyone talks about him having maybe a cellphone, I would like to remind you what cell phones looked like in 1991.
Walkie Talkies Were Less Obvious
Now before anyone talks about the Black Christmas original and When A Stranger Calls both having calls inside the house, I believe both of those films established that there were separate lines in those houses so technically that could happen. This film never established that.
Anyway, Billy says that Agnes is his family now, which freaks out the mom. The mom sees that Agnes is missing so the mom and step-dad go to the attic. Billy is not there and they hear screams as Billy is back in the living room with Agnes, who they disappeared a second ago. He put Agnes in a plastic bag and gouges her eyes out so he can eat it.
The step-dad goes after Billy, but Billy grabs a sharp object and he stabs the step-dad with it.
The mom screams and Billy strangles her with Christmas lights.
Billy drags his strangled mother to the kitchen and he beats her to death with the rolling pin.
He then gets a cookie cutter and uses it on his mother’s back skin, which he cooks in the oven.
The cops show up and see the carnage and they go to the kitchen, where they see Billy at the table eating his mom’s skin made Christmas cookies with milk.
Close Up Of His Mouth With The Skin Cookies In It Just For Effect.
We then find out that Billy was declared insane and Agnes was put into an orphanage. With it being revealed through DNA that Agnes was a product of an incestuous relationship and with her missing an eye, no one would adopt Agnes. She disappeared after she was let out because she was 18.
A door slams downstairs and it is Leigh, who is Clair’s half-sister.
Also The Director's Wife
She wants to know where Clair is as she never called her. In Megan’s room, Kelli wants to find out what happened to Megan while Kyle of course wants them to leave the room. They decide to call Megan’s cell even though I believe that is where the psychopath called from last time so what’s the point. We then find out that Leigh was a member of the sorority between 1993 and 1994, but Ms. Mac was the mother then and doesn’t remember Leigh. We then get a moment of Dana just saying she loves Leigh’s coat, which is pointless. Oh and we find out that the sorority got a present from Billy. They open it and it is the doll with a note saying he’ll be home for Christmas.
Kelli is about to go to the computer, but Kyle stops her saying that it is invasion of privacy. We get more padding with Leigh talking about how she was in elementary school when she was in this sorority. It was Clair who wanted the whole burying of the hatchet between the two and their mom. Heather and Ms. Mac see that the paper was the same as from Eve’s gift and it is from the date Billy went crazy. We then hear them believing that since Eve lives in Billy’s room that she might be obsessed with him. Um…Billy lived in the attic so unless you are saying Eve lives in the attic, I don’t know what you are saying here. And if Eve does live in the attic, that means you all must be a bunch of huge bitches.
Lauren throws up and because of that, she is helped upstairs. The lights go out and because Megan’s computer goes to battery power, which allows Kelli to see the video of Kyle having sex with her. Kyle tries to lie in saying that it happened before they were together and that a co-worker put the video up as he was pissed at Kyle. Kelli doesn’t buy a single word of that. Kyle gets kicked out of the house.
Through a window, they find out that they are the only one who doesn’t have power so it must be that the power was knocked out. We get a moment between Lauren and Melissa where Lauren believes Melissa is a better sister than her own sister and Melissa responds that Dick Cheney is a better sister than Lauren’s sister. The main breaker is revealed to be underneath the house so Dana is sent to take care of it. Lauren goes to take a shower, but we see she is being watched.
Like I Said, How Does This House Have So Many Secret Rooms With Peepholes.
Well, one reason is so we can get this nice shot.
The Peeper Will Be In His/Her Bunk
Lauren finally goes to her bed and is left to rest while being watched by Melissa so nothing bad happens. Heather reveals that she found the missing eyes to the dolls and the shoebox with all of the newspaper clippings of the event in Eve’s room, making them suspect Eve. Oh and we get a Santa Face jump scare.
Santa Is Shaking Is Head
Dana goes outside and under the house, but she gets attacked by a person with long blond hair. Dana tries to grasp for the cultivator. Dana stabs the attacker with it, but it doesn’t hurt the attacker as that person gets the cultivator out of the arm and buries it into Dana’s head.
We also see the skeleton of Billy’s father.
The girls get a phone call from Dana’s cell, but it is the killer who says “She is my family now” and we hear Dana’s scream as if to keep reminding us that all of this is not one person’s voice. Heather and Leigh outside find Eve’s car and despite their suspicions, find Eve’s head in it.
Nice To Know That Red Herring Was Totally Worth It (No It Wasn’t).
They go back inside when they believe the killer is outside. Kelli calls the police, but they reveal due to the weather, they will only be able to get there in the morning The group then argues about whether to leave and go for help or to stay and wait the night for help to come in the mourning. Ms. Mac and Heather want to leave while Kelli, Leigh, and Michelle want to stay. Ms. Mac and Heather decide to leave as the rest stay. Ms. Mac promises they will bring help back soon.
As Ms. Mac and Heather go to the car, the people inside attempt to see the car and see if they go anywhere. Ms. Mac is able to get the door open and unlocks the passenger door so Heather can get in. And here is where Heather’s character gets written the worst. Ms. Mac sees that the windshield is too iced up to see so she produces a snow brush with ice scraper and Heather asks, “What is that?”
Are You Fucking Kidding Me?!!!!
First of all, even with places where snow is rare, the places get cold. And when things get cold, car windows ice up. Windows get iced and surprisingly, you can’t see things. So every driver has at least ONE snow brush with ice scraper for those times when you need to go somewhere in cold weather and you don’t have hours to wait for your car’s humidifier to melt the ice off the windows. Even for a princess like Heather over here, she would know what one of these things are.
Secondly, in the rare offbeat chance that number one happens, she would see the brush and you know, get a clue about what it is for. She did survive to be an adult after all so common sense starts kicking in with stuff like a snow brush with ice scraper. Whoever wrote Heather to be this dumb succeeded in making her so unlikable that I can’t wait till she dies just so I don’t have to see her ever again.
And last, but certainly not least, Mary Elizabeth Winstead acts the same in this as she does in any role she is in where she is clueless and just tries to look good for the camera. Having someone this bad who I can’t stand makes this character even more unlikable that I just wish she went away. There is a point where if every film you are in, I end up hating the movie and do not like your character (and there is several years’ worth of this BS) that maybe, just maybe…you might not be a good actress in my mind.
Okay, enough with the anger…let’s get back to the film. Ms. Mac is as annoyed as I am about this, but instead of getting her stupid ass out of the car and showing her how to do it like any reasonable person would, Ms. Mac just gets out of the car to do it herself. Ms. Mac sees the car go up and looks in the window to see someone in the car.
It’s Billy, But Don't Mind Him, He Just Needed A Ride
Ms. Mac backs away and hears Heather blood.
And That’s The Only Way We Get To Know That Heather Is Dead
Besides the idea of me being robbed of seeing Heather’s on-screen death, the problem here is once again Billy’s teleportation. First, he gets in the car (with the obvious rocking of the vehicle, that’s the only way that happens) without no doors opening or anything. Then, he has his face perfectly placed so we can see his eye. And finally, it takes a minute for the blood to splatter all over the inside of the car after seeing Billy’s face obviously in the front seat. An entire minute was too good for Heather to not notice Billy in the car and not be able to scream. This was just a lazy way to get her character out of the movie. Although considering how lazily Mary Elizabeth Winstead acted, I guess maybe I wouldn’t put much effort into getting her out of the film either.
Ms. Mac freaks out and backs all the way into the garage door. When she hits the garage door, it is so hard that an icicle falls and impales her head so she’s dead.
Leigh and Kelli don’t know why they are not leaving yet (never seeing any of what happened because they are looking in back of the car and considering the weather, never even bothering to see if someone scraped ice off the back of the…..I hate this movie and it’s zero logic!!) The two decide to go check on them while leaving Melissa to still watch Lauren. They go outside (in the garage instead of the front door because that makes obvious sense, nincompoops) and Leigh slips on some blood causing her to scream.
Ahhh….Blood All Over This Great Coat.
Melissa hears this and decides to go against what the two said to her and go to see what happened, leaving Lauren all alone. Melissa doesn’t even get far before she has a bag put over her head by the killer in the house. She is able to wriggle her way out of the bag and tries to get to the window. She fights off the blond haired killer, but ultimately tries too hard to get through the window instead of finishing off the killer and it ultimately costs her.
Seriously, She Was Doing Well With That Steel Pole So Why Stop?
The killer grabs an ice skate and hurls it at her. It scalps Melissa and she’s dead.
Interestingly Enough, Melissa’s Character Was Supposed To Survive, But Michelle Trachtenberg (Who Got The Role) Would Only Do The Film If She Was Killed Off. Same Thing I Would Do So I Do Like That.
Surprisingly, in international cuts, that is not the way she dies. In international cuts, because of Hollywood guys wanting blood, Melissa gets killed with her head being trapped in a plastic bag and the killer gouging her eye out and drags her by the socket. Due to the fact that it didn’t require the plastic bag to be a factor in her death, I prefer the scalping by ice skate because *gasp*…it is different.
Kelli and Leigh try to get through the garage door instead of going out front, but Ms. Mac is body is blocking it from opening.
Even Billy Can’t Believe The Stupidity Of These People That Are Living In His House
The car stops so Kelli and Leigh decide to go back inside.
Now it is time for the Billy (who teleported into the house) to get Lauren. The killer gets into bed and starts molesting Lauren through the covers.
Lauren Of Course Wakes Up And Is Alarmed By This
Lauren grabs the unicorn head and tries to stab person molesting her, but of course…
Billy Teleported Out Of There
Lauren gets grabbed by the neck by the blonde haired killer.
It’s Agnes, Alright. Seriously, If You Have Been Watching This Film With Me And You Still Haven’t Figured This Out, You Might Be Slow In The Head.
Agnes kills her with the unicorn head.
Kelli and Leigh get inside and see someone outside the house. Leigh grabs a poker and the two go upstairs. They enter Lauren’s room and Kelli wonders where Melissa is. Kelli texts Melissa.
No Where? What Kind of Teen Bullshit Is This Texting Phrase?
She sends it to Melissa’s phone, but they find out that Melissa’s cell is in the attic. The door slams open and Leigh attacks, but it is Kyle.
Kyle fights Leigh for the poker and knocks her into Lauren, who we find out won’t be seeing anyone anymore.
Leigh and Kelli scream at this. Kyle and Leigh argue with each other, accusing each other of the murders when Kelli tells them the killer is upstairs via using her cell phone to call the killer.
Leigh Apparently Forgot The Stuff With The Phone That Happened Just Two Minutes Ago
So instead of going downstairs and just waiting for the cops to come and leaving the two killers (yeah, there are two although considering the teleportation shit, I wouldn’t blame you for not knowing) outside and upstairs or just letting them come to them, they decide to go to the attic. But as soon as the first person (which is Kyle) gets in the attic, he gets attacked by Agnes with a plastic bag.
STOP WITH THE PLASTIC BAGS!!!!
Seriously, I understand the plastic kill in the first film was great, but you have overdone it!!!! There have been so many plastic bag kills that it is just ridiculous. I don’t know…I like variety in my slasher movies. And especially when you try to ape a kill from the original so much, you muddle the attempted homage to the original.
Leigh and Kelli get up to the attic to attempt to save Kyle, but they arrive just in time to see Kyle get killed.
Leigh tries to attack Agnes, but Agnes knocks her away and also knocks Kelli away when she tries to do the same. Leigh sees Clair and screams and Kelli screams as Agnes rips Kyle’s eyes out.
Leigh goes back in horror and falls through the floor.
As Kelli tries to help Leigh back up, Agnes lights a match and reveals her gory Christmas Tree.
Merry Christmas, Everybody
Leigh falls completely through the floor and Agnes tries to kill Kelli.
The Action Starts A Fire
Kelli grabs a fire poker and stabs Agnes in the eye.
The killer takes out the poker with the fake eye still intact and Kelli reveals to anyone who still didn’t know who this is that this is Agnes. Kelli says her brother Billy isn’t here and none of these people are her family either. Agnes responds that her brother isn’t here, but her daddy is here (which is also Billy). Billy then enters from the floor.
Really Should Have Taken The Stairs…
Agnes tries to strangle Kelli with the Christmas lights, but Kelli fights her off. Agnes goes to the spot that his brother came through and drags Kelli with her. Kelli falls to a certain point, but is able to hang on while Agnes falls to the floor. With Billy climbing down and Agnes climbing up, Kelli begs Leigh to get her out of the wall. Leigh uses a dumbbell to get Kelli out of the wall while the fire seemingly engulfs the two killers.
Kelli and Leigh leave as the fire continues.
We then see Leigh visiting Kelli in the hospital.
Leigh tells Kelli how Kelli’s parents are coming. Leigh then opens the present from Clair in front of Kelli since she won’t be able to open it in front of her sister. It’s a nice watch and Leigh has a tear in her eye. Kelli’s cell phone goes off and Kelli looks at it to see it is from..
Kelli and Leigh look out the window wondering if the nightmare is over.
Yep…I Gave You An Alternate Ending Instead Because It Is The Ending That Should Have Happened
A second alternate ending had a burnt Billy dead in the hospital. The doctor asks Leigh to confirm Agnes’ body, but the body bag opens and it is Clair’s body instead. The doctor says that wasn’t the body that was in there. Leigh goes to the room where Kelli is to tell her about it, but meets Agnes and gets her neck snapped. We find out Kelli was sent for some tests and she goes back into the room. Agnes tries to get at Kelli, but Kelli kills her using the defibrillator to the face. Kelli then leaves with her family.
A third alternate ending was also made where Billy flatlines in the hospital. They show Kelli that Billy is dead and her parents take her away. The mortician comes to claim Billy’s body, but the nurse says he was already taken to the morgue. The mortician says that is impossible while revealing who he is and they both realized someone stole it, while seeing Agnes hiding in the walls through the smoke detector.
And It’s The Dumbest Ending Of All
So we go to the hospital where Leigh visits Kelli. Outside, the media talks about the massacre done by Billy and Agnes. In the morgue, a body bag is rolled in and sent to the mortician. The mortician gets drunk after an argument with his wife because he is going to spend Christmas Eve here identifying the bodies. He hears zipping and is curious as all the people in body bags are supposed to be, you know…dead. He investigates the body bag of Agnes and it isn’t moving so he zips it back up.
He then investigates the body bag above and it is Billy Lenz who seems to show some burn marks
Considering He Was In His Fire, His Clothes Are Clean
Not only that, but people placed in body bags are well…dead. They don’t put live people in body bags unless they have some rare condition that makes them seem dead (even when checking their pulse) or they went through military training to affect their heart rate so much that they can seem dead. I doubt Billy Lenz and Agnus both had EITHER of these situations so them rising from the dead in a film that is mostly based on reality is total bullshit.
So Billy Lenz kills the mortician with a vibrating saw.
Bye Scotty From AVP: Requiem
Billy then goes over and wakes up Agnes.
How The Hell Did I Get In Here? All I Did Was Fall Asleep During A Fire And I Wake Up In A Body Bag.
Agnes shows no effect from the fire whatsoever. Billy and Agnes decide to sneak through the ceiling.
We see the same scene of Kelli and Leigh as Leigh opens the present from her dead sister and cries on the watch that says “Family Forever”. A nurse comes in and says the doctor wants some more X-Rays and since a technician won’t be in tomorrow, they’ll have to do it right now. Kelli goes with the nurse and suddenly, Leigh starts hearing movement from the ceiling (because of course you can get to the second floor from the basement (where the morgue normally is) rather quickly in this film). Leigh goes into the halls to investigate and hears the door open to Kelli’s room. Leigh (being a dumbass) presumes it is Kelli and goes back to the room to tell her about the noise. But the woman in the bed was not Kelli, but instead it’s Agnes. Leigh then gets her neck snapped.
The nurse escorts Kelli back to her room and talks about the door having issues. Kelli notices the watch being on her bed with a little blood on it so she figures out that Leigh is dead. She tries to escape, but the door issues emerge as the door knob is stuck. The ceiling tile is removed and Agnes is coming down. Kelli presses the button for emergency help, but this hospital staff is negligent as hell as they are too busy listening to carolers.
You Think I Was Kidding?
Kelli gets her hand on the defibrillator and after a scuffle with Agnes, Kelli kills her by using it on her head.
I Would Like To Add That A Lot Of This (Including Leigh Death, The Agnes Death, And The Fucking Carolers) Was In The Second Alternate Ending I Mentioned.
With Agnes dead, Billy comes out of the ceiling and he goes after Kelli. He chases down some empty hallways.
Rinky Dink Hospital, I Tell You
Kelli beats him up with a crutch, but she drops it to try to run and Billy trips her with that same crutch. A few hospital staff see them running (and do nothing). Billy grabs a scalpel (again, no one stops him) and fights with Kelli on a ledge of the hospital. Kelli gets the advantage and pushes Billy off the ledge so he can be impaled by the Christmas Tree.
Merry Christmas From The World’s Worst Hospital. I Swear Someone Is Getting Sued For This BS And Hopefully This Hospital Will Be Shut Down For This Nonsense.
And the film ends with the staff looking over the carnage and “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies” playing.
The director Glenn Morgan mentions how he hates this movie because he believes Hollywood ruined it with their desire for more gore that it became cartoonish and despite being released in December, this film bombed. Because of this bomb, Miller has never been allowed to direct another film since and in some ways, while this film is shit and no amount of cutting would save this, he did direct a really underrated remake in Willard starring Crispin Glover, so I would give him another chance. But Glenn, if you are going to remake something, remake something that is less known like maybe Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things (a remake Bob Clark wanted to do (reason he didn’t will be explained later)), Deathdream (another Bob Clark film), or you know, maybe something from a lesser known director.
This film was also ruined by some asshole producer's decision to shoot scenes that will only be used in the trailers. The director didn't know about this and when he figured out, it was too late. I would like to say to whoever's bright idea it was to do that, you failed and honestly, when has shooting scenes for the trailer EVER worked?
As far as the cast went, Katie Cassidy (who played Kelli) would go on to do another terrible remake in the Nightmare on Elm Street Remake, but would find her footing by being Laurel Lance in the TV series Arrow (although there are some people who do not like her in it). Michelle Trachtenberg (who played Melissa) was Georgina Sparks in 28 episodes of Gossip Girl and has since just done TV movies. Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who played Heather) went to be in The Thing Prequel (which I inducted), Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (liked by some people, but I’m not one of them) and Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (a film that was considered a disappointment). Lacey Chabert (who played Dana) has done more voice acting and TV movies since this crap. Andrea Martin (who played Ms. Mac) has done some stuff, but she will be returning to her character of Aunt Voula in My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 (don’t ask me why they are doing a sequel to a film from more than a decade ago with a failed television show that was supposed to be a follow up to that film). Oliver Hudson (who played Kyle) was in Rules of Engagement for 6 years before that show ended and is now in the series Scream Queens. Karin Konoval (who played Billy and Agnes’ mom) has gone on to become Maurice, the orangutan in the new Planet Of The Apes movies.
But the saddest aftermath of all was the director of the original film (and an executive director in the remake) Bob Clark. Several months after this remake spit upon the original, a drunk driver (who was an illegal immigrant who was deported twice and had no freaking license) caused a car crash that killed Bob Clark and his son (who were in a different car). His death is absolutely saddening and I don’t think I should say anything more.
Now for my opinion on this film and if you couldn’t tell, I freaking hate this film. I’m sorry to all the defenders of this film, but this film was just lazy. Instead of getting a mystery in one of the women being Agnes and killing within, we get some random person being Agnes. And not only that, but they had to put a guy in a wig to be Agnes, despite looking just like a man in a wig. The acting and snark is annoying as hell. You didn’t believe one iota that the voices on the phone were from one person. The only reason many things happened were because of complete stupidity by people (including people who work in a damn hospital). Deaths were repeated instead of being mixed up. Look, people….I like gore too, but you need to have a film work around it and this film didn’t. This was one of the most frustrating experiences re-watching this crap and in my Worst Films I Have Ever Inducted, this would be up there. So with that said, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year. I’ll see you next year with more Monster Crap.