Saturday, February 28, 2015

Monster Crap Inductee: Batman Forever (1995)

Monster Crap Inductee: Batman Forever
Featuring Probably The Worst Batman Ever That Was Legit Licensed


Over the past three years, I have heard a lot of crap being said about the Batman films. Whether it be people complaining how much of a disappointment The Dark Knight Rises was (which if you compare any film to the great film The Dark Knight (which had an awesome Joker played by an actor who died before the film was released), you were going to feel disappointed) or it being complaints about Ben Affleck being the new Batman in Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice, people have been unkind to Batman. But for all of those people, I have one thing to say…it could be a whole lot worse. You could be in the late 90s, where we had two Batman films done by Joel Schumacher that were excruciatingly terrible and while Batman & Robin may be a worse film, we had Batman Forever feature the worst performance for Batman played by Val Kilmer.

Now before Batman Forever, we had two Batman films done by Tim Burton and I do like both of those films, although we can all be honest and say that Batman Returns may have been too dark of a film. And both of those films had a great performance by Michael Keaton, who played Batman (and to those of you hating on Ben Affleck, I would like to point out when Michael Keaton was announced to play Batman….there were so many people who thought that was a bad idea. Basically wait and see with Ben Affleck before making your final opinion). But with the people behind the film not wanting a dark Batman anymore (which meant no more Tim Burton), Michael Keaton also wanted nothing to do with the series anymore so they handed off the reigns to Joel Schumacher to direct and Val Kilmer to act as Batman.

Now let’s talk about Val Kilmer who in 1995 would also have a pretty favorable film in Heat in the same year as this film (though I’m not particularly a fan of Heat) and wouldn’t have his real decline from stardom until the 21st Century, this was really a huge role where he would be THE star and not a supporting player. Before that, he was Madmartigan, the disgraced yet boastful mercenary Knight in Willow (playing supporting character to Warwick Davies’ Willow)

Yeah, Val Kilmer At One Point Played Supporting Character To The Man Who Would Go On To Be The Leprechaun

He also was a supporting character in Top Gun where he played Tom “Iceman” Kazinski where he would be the rival for Tom Cruise’s Pete “Maverick” Mitchell. And while in that film women would swoon while he, Tom, and other guys would have their shirts off playing volleyball and while he would tell Maverick that he could be his wingman any day. Here is probably what he is known best for in Top Gun.

Yep…..That Little Teeth Insult To Tom Cruise

Before I forget, he had also been in Tombstone as Doc Holliday telling people this one simple thing before killing them.

I’ll Be Your Huckleberry

And that was a great The only starring role he had before all of this was his first film in a little comedy called Top Secret, which is actually pretty funny if I do say so myself and was released 11 years before his next main starring gig as Batman. So with what seems like a guy who is paying his dues and finally getting a chance to be a big name with something huge, what could possibly go wrong? Well, while I may want to wait till the end to show what exactly goes wrong, I give you a hint that it is a little something called an ego.

But now let’s get to the director Joe1 Schumacher, who also at this point seemed like a fine choice for the director’s seat since he did good work with films like St. Elmo’s Fire, dark films like The Lost Boys & Falling Down, and even adaptations of past material like The Client. Plus he is a lifelong Batman fan. So what could go wrong there? Well, I don’t even need to wait till the end there because I can tell you right now that the problem with him was he was forced Warner Brothers and toy companies to make a much more family friendly Batman.

But we also need to talk about the supporting characters and let’s get to the sidekick in Chris O’Donnell who they got to play Dick Grayson aka Robin. Chris O’Donnell’s biggest role at the time was D’Artagnan in 1993’s The Three Musketeers (a film I actually like) and playing Al Pacino’s kid in Scent Of A Woman, so as far as Robin goes, I still say he was a fine choice to pick to play Robin although I’ll explain later why you wouldn’t know that.

Also we have Nicole Kidman, playing the love interest for Batman and all I have to say for her character is basically what I thought when I saw this film, her character was just shoe-horned in their as a love interest because apparently we need one and we couldn’t get Kim Bassinger to come back as an actual established character in comics who was a Bruce Wayne love interest called Vicki Vale. Also her name is Dr. Chase Meridian which of course is a triple pun being that she is a doctor who not only chases Batman, but also chases the Meridian, which is the balance of people’s psyche.

Now we can get to the villains and first let’s go to the main one with Jim Carrey as Edward Nygma aka The Riddler. And I could have immediately as a kid told you the problem with this casting as I watched the 60s Batman TV series that this film wanted to be more like and in there, while The Riddler was crazy as hell, he was also rather more subdued than let’s say The Joker. And I don’t think anyone needed to say this about Jim Carrey after the Ace Ventura films, The Mask, and Dumb & Dumber, Jim Carrey doesn’t do subdued.

Our other villain in this is Tommy Lee Jones to play Harvey Dent aka Two Face. While Tommy Lee Jones was a very good actor (look no further than his roles in films like Cobb, Natural Born Killers, The Client (with Schumacher also directing, I can see how Jones got a role in this film), The Fugitive, Under Siege, JFK, Coal Miner’s Daughter, & The Eyes of Laura Mars in saying that), if you wanted any indication that this was sort of going to be a retcon of the Batman films, look no further than Tommy Lee Jones playing Harvey Dent since Harvey Dent was a pretty different person in the original 1989 Batman film than what he is here.

Unless Harvey Dent Took Advice On How To Look From Michael Jackson

In fact, the only two people who came back for these films were Pat Hingle (as Commissioner Gordon) and Michael Gough (as Alfred Pennyworth). Makeup effects were also done by Rick Baker who you may remember did the effects for this Monster Crap inductee.

To Be Fair, It Was One Of His First Job And The Makeup Effects Were Not One Of The Things I Criticized About That Film

So I probably don’t need to say how this film went wrong (but I will anyway), but that was hindsight being 20/20 because many people including myself were actually looking forward to this film. So let’s see why anticipation went to “Oh No!” by watching this film.

We start off with the Warner Brothers logo turning into the Batman sign to show this is a Batman film from Warner Brothers.

Also Cannot Officially Say They Took The Series Away From Tim Burton Since It Is Still From His Production.

Then we get names of the stars flying at the screen which would make this get a 3D conversion if this film was released today. Oh and it seems the Chris O’Donnell name punches the screen so we can get the title screen.

We then get a suit up for Batman (that doesn’t show any Bat Nipples) and Batman prepares to get in the Batmobile when Alfed comes in and we get this scene.

Alfred: Can I Persuade You Into Taking A Sandwich With You?

Batman: I’ll Get Drive-Thru

If you are wondering why that scene is in the movie, it is so Burger King could get a commercial out of the damn thing. Batman then goes to stop a bank heist with hostages perpetrated by former District Attorney Harvey Dent, who due to acid to the face has become the evil criminal known as Two-Face.

Two-Face tells the security guard that he will decide whether the guard lives or die with a coin flip and good news is the coin has the side of the clean heads and not the scratched one means the guard lives. But Two-Face puts him in a tube as bait for Batman.

Outside the building, Batman comes and is greeted by Commissioner Gordon and Dr. Chase Meridian.

Chase is here because she deals with multiple personalities (which Two-Face has) and tells the Commissioner Gordon that Two-Face will slaughter anyone at a moment’s notice, which means Batman needs to go in and stop him. Of course it is also clear that Meridian has an eye for Batman as well, but since this film is 2 fucking hours, we need to get to the next scene. The elevator goes up and Two-Face has his crew go and shoot the elevator when it opens. Of course Batman was hiding on the ceiling of the elevator so when it opens, he gets the jump on the henchmen, leading to a fight scene with cartoon sound effects for guys getting electrocuted (that look like they came straight from Looney Toons). Then one of the guys comes with blades on his arms, acting like Wolverine.

You Have Every Right To Be Pissed, Although He Has Single Blades And Not Multiple Blades Like You Do.

Batman moves out of the way when he charges and stops him from falling (because Batman doesn’t kill) so he can push him into the electrocuted guy so he can be electrocuted as well. You know, I’ll give these Batman films credit as like the comic books, Batman tries so hard not to kill people and in the two Tim Burton Batman films, Batman kills criminals on a whim. Batman then sees the security guard tied and gagged and goes to ungag him, falling into the trap as the door behind the tube vault closes behind them.

It’s A Trap!!!

Then the vault is chained to a helicopter and it starts flying out of the building (don’t ask how they did it because they didn’t even bother showing that).

Inside the vault starts spewing acid so Batman can die the same way Two-Face’s face got screwed up.

Of course since the vault is on an up-down momentum, the acid goes to the bottom so Batman can keep himself and the security guard on the upper part. Using his gizmos and the security guard’s hearing aid, he is able to open the door to the vault and they are able to get out before the acid disintegrates them.

While Two-Face acts like a child being mad a Batman escaping, Batman uses his grappling hooks to get the security guard away from this scene and into the proper hands along with the vault. Batman stays on the helicopter so he can attempt to stop Two-Face. Two-Faces’ bright idea is to run the helicopter through a billboard in hopes Batman has to let go.

Congratulations Two-Face, You Just Committed Suicide

Actually no…they are fine and to them it looks like they lost Batman.

Except Batman Now Teleported Himself On To The Roof Of The Helicopter
Two-Face is not happy about this so he shoots at Batman, killing his own pilot in the process.

Batman gets into the helicopter, but Two-Face jumps out with his Two-Face Parachute.

Which Is Like A NWO Wolf Pack Version Of The Yin & Yang Symbol

Batman gets out before the helicopter crashes into a destroys the Statue Of Liberty

Which Is In Gotham For Some Reason

We then see a dated CGI run through of the city as the radio announces that despite a valiant effort by Batman, Two-Face Got Away. We then have Bruce Wayne head to the electronics division of Wayne Enterprises so he can give the people there more funds. While Bruce Wayne is being led around, we see Dr. Edward Nygma who has a bit of an obsession with Bruce.

Nygma tries to psyche himself up to present his idea and even talks to a Riddler bobblehead doll.

Which Seeing As He Hasn’t Become The Riddler Yet, Shouldn’t Be There At All

The supervisor Mr. Stickley tries to steer Bruce away from Nygma, but Edward is persistent and tries to present his idea of 3D TV to Mr. Wayne, which uses brain waves to create the 3D image.

By The Way, That Guy On The Right Is Future Acting-Directing Star Jon Favreau.

Carrey’s Acting As Nygma Makes Me Facepalm The Same Way, Mr. Stickley (Played By An Uncredited Ed Begley Jr.)

Bruce tries to be nice to the guy in saying to send his idea to his receptionist and he’ll get back to him, but Nygma wants the answer now. Since he wants it now, Bruce tells him no since using brain waves….

Just Raises Too Many Questions.

Bruce leaves since the Bat Signal has been put up and Nygma is saddened since the man he considered his idol turned him down, which leads him to act like former wrestler Stevie Richards in saying “I’ll Show You, You’ll See…”

We then see Bruce Wayne use his office to transport himself to the Bat Cave so he can turn into Batman and head to the bat signal light where normally he would talk to the Commissioner to see what’s up.

Except It Is Dr. Chase Meridian Who Sent It So She Can Wear A Revealing Dress And Try To Hit On Batman

This film of course excuses the fact that raising a false alarm is grounds for serious trouble with the law and should get Dr. Meridian to go before a board to decide if she should keep her license as a doctor. Also, the fact that she is just there to try and fulfill a wish to jump Batman’s bones means she probably might need to see a psychiatrist herself. But this being the Schumacher-Kilmer Batman, this is how Batman reacts to all of this.

Durhhh…..Pretty Lady

We also get to see the Bat Nipples.

We of course get a Catwoman reference in mention Batman’s past relationship with her, which considering what happened in that film, I don’t believe that was common knowledge Batman had the hots for her.

Commissioner Gordon shows up since he saw the Bat Signal and wonders what is up. Of course, Batman says it was just a false alarm and with Dr. Meridian being there, she of course doesn’t get arrested for doing the equivalent of pulling the fire-alarm.

Back at the Wayne Electronics building, we see Nygma in extreme works with his machine. Mr. Stickley comes in and is pissed that he is still working on it despite the project being terminated and the chance of Bruce Wayne overruling his judgment being turned down. He is about to call security, but Nygma konks him on the head with Coffee Pourer. He then does a Caffeine Kills joke.

Thanks Godzilla

Nygma wakes Stickley up to reveal the supervisor is tied up and has the machine on his head. Nygma then puts another machine on his head and reveals the world of 3D TV, which Stickley is mesmerized by.

While the supervisor is getting mesmerized, Nygma monologues about how this machine not only does 3D TV, but it makes Nygma smarter. Nygma does a stupid dance and he turns off the machine.

Goddamn This Crap

Stickley sayss that Bruce was right and fires Nygma for being a madman. Problem for Stickley is that being tied up, Nygma can do what he wants and he decides to push Stickley out the window.

How A Building Can Be Built Over A Dam…..I Don’t Know.

Nygma then goes to the camera and asks why no one has put Bruce in his place.

On the TV, we see what happened to Harvey Dent as he got acid thrown in his face by crime boss Moroni while Batman was too late to save him. It also reveals that Two-Face blames Batman for not being able to save him.

Damn You Maroni For Having McDonald's Hot Coffee
Bruce Wayne then gets news of the apparent suicide of Mr. Stickley. Gordon says that they’ll try to find the body, but with the current…it is unlikely he’ll be found. We also see Nygma being interviewed and he decides to quit because he can’t work here anymore, knowing that Stickley is dead. He also reveals the suicide note that was somehow in his cubicle. And of course Nygma was somehow able to change the security footage so well that it shows Stickley running and jumping out of the window.

Yeah, Even Today….We Do Not Have The Technology To Alter Things From What Really Happened To What We See That Fucking Much. Well, We Kind Of Do With Animation, But Someone Would Notice It Was Animation.

With the video and the note, they do conclude that this definitely was suicide. While with his people, Bruce says that Stickley’s suicide makes no sense (it hardly ever does). Of course then there is a riddle left on Bruce’s desk, which makes Bruce suspicious about the suicide.

Really, Nygma??? You Want This To Be An Apparent Suicide, You Don’t Leave A Calling Card.

The riddle says “If you look at the numbers on my face, you won’t find thirteen anyplace.” Bruce reveals that the answer is a clock. When asked who would send him a riddle, Bruce reveals that is the riddle. No it’s not Bruce…..that is merely a question.

We go to Nygma’s place and it is apparent he has a bunch of stuff that is basically telling you this is the Riddler even though he hasn’t yet become the Riddler officially yet.

There, Nygma clips together another riddle and leaves it on Wayne’s gate.

The next day, Bruce goes to talk to Dr. Meridian. While outside her room, he hears what sounds like grunts and punching and Bruce decides to break in, thinking there might be trouble.

Turns Out All She Was Doing Was Punching A Punching Bag.

After that, they talk and we get a few notes. He talks about the riddle left at his office and the one left at his home. Her opinion is the man who sent these letters is a total wacko. He looks at this and wonders if she has a thing for bats.

Chase of course corrects him in saying that is a Rorschach drawing and with Bruce saying bats, she wonders if he has a thing for bats. He then tries to get her on playing with dolls.

She once again corrects him that what he holds is a Malaysian Dream Warden, who some says protects you from bad dreams (which while apparently real, is only in doll form in this film). He looks sad and Chase asks if he needs one, he says no. And eventually, he asks her out to the circus that he has to go to, because he donated funds to help it. Of course if we remember the last time Gotham had circus stuff going around, Penguin was running a gang of circus people to do his evil bidding. But there is a point to this circus so I’ll forgive it.

They are at the circus and we see Nygma watching from his house. We also get introduced to the Flying Graysons.

Um…..In The Comics, There Were Only Three Flying Graysons, But In This Movie, There Are Four For Some Reason. Also The Last Picture Is Dick Grayson.

The Flying Graysons do some great acrobatic stunts that are obviously done by real stunt people as the crowd is amazed. While this is going on, Bruce Wayne invites Chase Meridian to go rock climbing with him, but she says that she has already met someone. Yep…Bruce, this date is not going any further than this event. Suddenly, the event is crashed by Two-Face.

Meanwhile, all Edward Nygma can do is have this face.

He eats some popcorn as Two-Face reveals a new trick called Massacre on the Big Top. Two Face says he wants Batman dead and he will blow this whole place up if he doesn’t get that wish.

So Of Course, Harvey Has The Bomb Lifted High Above The Arena. Why….So It Can Probably Be Removed Somehow. If It Was On The Ground, That Bomb Isn’t Moving.

Bruce Wayne tries to yell that he is Batman (something Bruce would never do), but the crowd is so loud that no one can hear him say that. So Bruce disappears from the crowd so he can stop them all and The Flying Graysons also try to stop Two-Face as well with their acrobatics and ability to be climb large heights. Two Face shoots three of the Graysons down from the strings they are on as he escapes through a trap door on the floor. Dick goes to the ceiling catwalks and is able to get the bomb out of the circus and into the water as it explodes.

Now everyone looks and mourns over the three dead Graysons.

Bruce looks up and sees that Dick also sees that his family is dead.

Actually, this was done a lot better in the comics as some thugs sabotaged a rope Mom & Dad Grayson were using with their stunts (without a net) because they weren’t paid their protection money. Dick Grayson was only a child when this happened so he had to be adopted by Bruce Wayne, who turned him into Robin. Here, because Robin needs a villain to want revenge on like Batman did in the original film with the man who would later become Joker killing his parents, Two-Face gets to fill that role. Also because this film doesn’t want years to go by and they don’t want a kid to be Robin, Dick Grayson has to be made into at least 18.

After that whole event, Dick Grayson is taken in by Bruce Wayne, even though Dick is against the idea. Dick, because he is 18, has to be won over to staying in Wayne Manor by Bruce showing him his cars and motorcycles as well as Alfred being the fatherly type figure he is. Dick also wants to find Two-Face and kill him, but Bruce says that will not bring the pain away of losing his family and instead will only make it worse.

We get a scene where Bruce Wayne looks over pictures of his parents and relives the day that his parents were shot. Which you remember when I said they retconned this film, well….here you have it. They re-shot the entire scene where Bruce’s parents are killed so it is done by a shadowy figure that Bruce never sees even though in the original film, we saw that his killer was Jack Napier who would later become The Joker.

By The Way, The Woman Who Played Martha Wayne In This Film Later On Went On To Be The Wife Of Our Mentally Tortured Sheriff In This Film.

Bruce is waken out of this memory by Alfred and Bruce says that this is just like how Bruce’s parents died for Dick. Bruce also feels some regret that he could have done more to save Dick’s parents. The Bat Signal is up so Bruce goes to change into Batman. In Dick’s room, Alfred talks to Dick about having a robin on his helmet and Dick reveals that one time he saved his brother from a fall and his parents called him their little robin.

The Father-Son Like Chemistry Between Alfred & Dick Is Great.

He asks Alfred to throw away the Grayson costume as he won’t need it anymore…but Alfred decides against that and just puts it in the drawer. Alfred then has this great quote that probably should help many people dealing with depression over something bad happening like a death.

Alfred: Broken wings will mend in time. One day Robin will fly again. I promise.

Meanwhile, we see that cars are following the Batmobile and a person rolling a carriage is Two-Face in what was a planned trap.

Two-Face tries to shoot a rocket launcher at the Batmobile, but Batman drives out of the way and the rocket instead hits the car chasing after him instead, which was driven by two of Two-Face’s goons. Two-Face can only react with this.


Two-Face gets into one of the other cars and they chase the Batmobile into an alley. Through gizmos on Batman’s Batmobile, Bruce is able to ride up the side of a building while the cars chasing him crash.

Two-Face stops the car just before it crashes. As he sees Batman get away once again, Two-Face once again is angry that another one of his plans failed.


Back in Nygma’s apartment, Edward is trying to create a nickname for himself and thanks to his freaking memorabilia all around the place, he decides on the Riddler.

Seriously, Why Have All This Crap If You Aren’t Going To Eventually Become The Riddler.

We then go to Two-Face’s hideout as he has two girls named Sugar And Spice who have cooked him two different meals.

Sugar Is Played By An Actress You Know All Too Well In Drew Barrymore. Spice Is Played By Debi Mazar, Who While I Can’t Specifically Say What Role You Will Remember Her As, You Have Probably Seen Her In One Film As She Is Able To Find Good Work.

This feast gets interrupted by Edward Nygma, who introduces himself as The Riddler.

Two-Face wants to kill this Riddler, but Riddler makes him a deal with Two-Face that if Two-Face helps him with the funds to get his device (now known as The Box, even though it looks nothing like a box) mass produced, he will lead Two-Face to the ultimate question of “Who Is Batman?”. This scene shows that sometimes if reeled in, Jim Carey could make an okay Riddler, but no one does. Also, in this scene, the way these two actors work off each other, you would never guess that Tommy Lee Jones & Jim Carrey hated each other. Two-Face flips a coin saying heads, he accepts and tails, he blows Riddler’s damn head off. Well….while we never see the coin’s result, the fact that we see Two-Face & The Riddler work together to rob a jewelry store means that it landed on heads.

Riddler: Here’s A Good One
Two-Face: No, No, No……There Is A Good One

We then see Dick Grayson dry his own laundry, despite Alfred saying he would do it and we see that Dick has some skill.

We then see Two-Face & The Riddler rob a casino.

Riddler: Hey Two-Face, Show Me How To Punch A Guy.
Two-Face: Oh, It’s Dead Simple, My Boy. Ball Up The Fist, Reach Way Back, And Assert Yourself.
*Knocks Guard Out With One Punch
Riddler: Ohhh, That Looks Fun! Lemme Try! Ball Up The Fist, Reach Way Back And Assert Your…
*Punches Other Guard, But Guard Doesn’t Go Down. Riddler Is Holding His Hand*
Riddler: Owwwww!

In the truck, Riddler loses count of all the money they have while wearing a tiara and they laugh about it. Meanwhile, back at Wayne Manor, Bruce watches the news to hear about these robberies by the two. Bruce Wayne gets another riddle, which they reveal the answer to be chess pawns.

Dick tries to get into a locked room and asks Alfred about it and Alfred jokes about it being where Bruce’s dead wives are, before saying it is just a silver closet. We then see a press conference by Edward Nygma and his company NygmaTech talking about The Box creating 3D TV. Well, if we know anything about 3D TV today, it is just a novelty appliance that ends up not going anywhere and gets eventually discontinued.

How Could I Have Predicted This Device Would Die Out In A Few Years???

We then see with a news report, how The Box has become the rage with even a freaking dog watching it.

Despite The Fact That Most Dogs Are Not Well Known For Seeing What’s On TVs Or Giving A Crap For That Matter.

They mention that critics have said The Box turns people into zombies, which Nygma responded to saying that’s what they said about TV back in the day. Meanwhile, Two-Face and Riddler are doing a switch into who gets the brainwaves of the people.

Brain Waves Are Like A Drug

We then get this gloriously stupid shot.

How The Hell Am I Getting Brain Waves From A Damn Dog???

Back at Wayne Manor, through some acrobatic maneuvers, Dick is able to get into the locked room and finds out that it leads to the Bat Cave, which Alfred is at and is not amused that Dick has found out the secret.


Back at the office, Chase gives Bruce the Malaysian Dream Ward doll as a gift. Bruce then reveals his whole backstory about his parents being murdered in front of him as a kid and now he talks about now seeing in his dreams a red leather book. Chase says that Bruce is describing repressed memories, images of a forgotten pain that are trying to resurface. After looking at Chase’s pile on Batman, Bruce says he will leave her alone with her obsession. Chase says that he just fascinates her, clinically. She wonders what this guy did to deserve a curse of nightly torture as Batman. We then see that Chase is starting to have feelings for Bruce as they get that close sexual tension, where you are just asking them to…

Just Kiss Already

Which they do immediately afterwards. Bruce gets a message on his watch by Alfred that Dick Grayson took the Batmobile.

Dick drives the Batmobile like any stupid teenager would and is loving the attention he is getting. He then sees that a woman is in trouble and he saves her from the gang that is harassing her. We also see with Dick’s acrobatic skills that he can fight pretty well as well. Dick also kisses the girl, who believes that he is Batman because well, he said he is Batman, just forgot his suit.

The gang leader who he just saved the girl from calls more thugs and it seems that Dick is outnumbered when the actual Batman shows up.

The gang all runs and Dick is mad that Batman wasn’t able to save his parents, saying it should have been him who died. Batman says if Bruce Wayne could have given his life to save his family, he would have, which considering he was right there as they were falling….he could have caught at least one of them the more I think about it. Back at the Batcave, Robin wants to use Batman’s resources to help find and kill Two-Face, which Batman rejects, saying if he goes this path, he will go after another and another just to quench that thirst for revenge. Dick says he can’t understand as his parents weren’t killed by a maniac and Bruce says they actually were killed by a maniac (probably the only hint at all in this film that Batman’s parents were killed by the man who would become the Joker).

Dick says that if they are the same, he wants to have Bruce help train him so Dick can become his partner, another thing that Bruce rejects, saying Dick still has a choice. Um….Batman, I think he just made that freaking choice, so get off your ass and train him. Dick then says that he is a part of this whether Bruce likes it or not.

That night, Bruce takes Chase on a date with him (he was able to get another date) to the gala for Nygmatech.

Nygma Is Of Course There With Sugar As His Date

Apparently Edward Nygma is on the cover of every magazine in Gotham and is apparently the most eligible bachelor in Gotham, both things that were done by Bruce Wayne. And there is a rumor of Nygmatech taking over Wayne Enterprises, which you know isn’t freaking happening. Edward Nygma comes in to gloat about his new fame and the fact that Bruce could have had it with him if he didn’t turn him down. Bruce just says congratulations and wants to move on. Nygma is unveiling his new and improved Box which allows to live holographic fantasies. Being that this is a film mostly centered on kids and teenagers, no such sexual fantasies allowed. Porno Pete would be very disappointed.

Nygma wants Bruce to try the machine, but Bruce still is wary on his machine. Nygma then wants to dance with Chase and we get Edward acting like a complete tool doing the tango, looking at Bruce the whole time.

And Chase Looking Bored

Bruce looks at the controls to the device and wonders how you turn it off so he can look inside, which Sugar is more than happy to show him. She takes out a vile and the machine is off, which she gives to Bruce.

Bruce then goes inside thinking the machine will stay off, but it is all a ruse as Sugar has a spare vial.

Bruce then gets hit by the machine and we see his brain.

Jim Carrey is pleased by this scheme

 Nygma Is A Tool

Suddenly, Two-Face shows up with Spice and his goons to raid the place. This gets Bruce out of the trance caused by the machine and Edward isn’t too happy. Bruce escapes so he can dress up as Batman again. Meanwhile, we see Nygma talking openly with Two-Face (which no one is suspicious of).

Two-Face says that he is tired of waiting for Riddler to deliver Batman so he is going back to his usual schtick of robbing places to lure out Batman. Nygma wishes he was in on it so they could have planned it accordingly, even pre-sale the movie rights. Batman shows up and we get a fight between Batman and Two-Face’s goons. Robin gets out and wants to suit up with his old acrobatic suit. Alfred, always the good sport, mentions he could be fired for this and wonders if they will take him back at Buckingham Palace.

Batman saves Chase, who kisses him and says she wants him at her place at midnight. Two-Face goes with phase two of his plan, which is to…
Run Away, Run Away, Run Away!!!!

Two-Face and his goons run into a not yet finished subway station while Batman follows. Two-Face tries to use gas and some fire to burn Batman, but Batman has a cape that can withstand the heat.

Batman comes out of the fire with his stupid look.

Thanks Two-Face….I Need A Light To Get A Little High

Two-Face causes a cave-in, which seems like it could kill Batman.

Batman this time has to be saved by Dick, who comes in to pull him out of the pile.

Don’t Ya Just Hate It When You’re The One Who Has To Be Saved, Batman

And in the next scene, Batman yells at him, asking him “what the hell did he think he was doing?”

Batman, You Are A Twat

Dick says that is gratitude and wants a nickname like Batboy or Nightwing or whatever. Bruce has an idea, Dick Grayson: College Student. Bruce says Dick is out of control, despite the fact that Dick just saved his ass. Dick has his suit put next to Batman and leaves. Bruce thinks that Alfred is encouraging him, which Alfred says that men with revenge don’t need much encouragement, they need guidance, which you would think would be common knowledge, but not to this Batman. Oh, but we haven’t even begun to get the selfish stupidity of this version of Batman.

Batman goes to Chase’s house at midnight like she asked and wants to kiss her. But Chase mentions that she has surprisingly found someone else and is in love with Bruce Wayne, which Batman takes very well.

So now that he has the love of his life, guess what Bruce wants to, get this: quit being Batman. Are you freaking kidding me??!! Despite Two-Face & Riddler still being out there, causing all types of problems, Bruce wants to stop being Batman and not finish what he started with this crime-fighting business because he now can get some loving. This is freaking unbelievable. Bruce Wayne in this film is a completely selfish twat who doesn’t care about Gotham like he always says he does.

Meanwhile, Two-Face is really upset that Batman survived in the subway, but Riddler calms him down by saying that he has now taught his machine a new trick in how to map the human mind and shows Two-Face what is in the mind of Bruce Wayne.

Yep….With This Image, The Villains Know Bruce Wayne Is Batman

Back at the Bat Cave, he tells Dick all of this….which pisses him off, talking about monsters being out there and that the city needs Batman. Bruce’s defense he has been saving the faceless innocent for so long that now the innocent are no longer faceless (I don’t know what that means either or how that is a defense). He wants Dick to let it go because if he doesn’t, Dick Grayson will be as alone as he was. He finishes by saying that Chase is coming over and he is going to tell her everything.

So Bruce has Chase over for dinner (on Halloween Night no less) as Dick takes his acrobat costume and leaves. Meanwhile, Alfred deals with kids in costumes doing Trick or Treat, which Alfred gives out candy.

Then The Villains Waiting Outside Got An Idea

An Awful Idea. The Villains Waiting Outside Got A Wonderful, "Awful" Idea

Bruce has visions and we see that as a child, he fell into a hole that turned out to be a cave for bats (which as you know, gave him the idea to be Batman).

Chase kisses Bruce and through seeing that it’s the same kiss as Batman gave her, she knows Bruce Wayne is Batman.

Jackpot…..I Got Batman & Bruce Wayne

Alfred opens the peep hole and we get Two-Face & Riddler in costumes saying “Twick Or Tweat”.

Alfred opens the door and is knocked out by the two. They both say the plan is to “Cease and Capture”, but not kill as they need to torture Batman first before killing him. Riddler is easily able to find the Bat Cave and starts blowing it up.

While Doing Stupid Poses

The Riddler even has this stupid line.

Riddler: JOY-GASM!!!

Meanwhile, Two-Face and his goons attack Bruce. Bruce tries to help Chase escape while he fights to goons and Two-Face is trying to flip his coin, hoping it hits tails so he can shoot. Two-Face finally gets his tails after the third time and shoots at Bruce, grazing his head and knocking him out.

Like I Said, Just Grazed Him

Two-Face wants to kill Bruce now, but Riddler stops him saying that we need him to learn his lesson before they kill him. So they kidnap Chase and leave Bruce alive at his home. Wait….so these villains don’t even take Bruce with them and maybe play some sadistic game with him. It’s just leave Bruce at home alive so he can get his gadgets and suit and maybe screw us over in the end. Yeah, Batman’s villains in this film are not smart.

Bruce finally wakes up to be mended by Alfred and he reveals they took Chase and left him a riddle. Back at Nygmatech HQ, Chase is chained up to a sofa. Riddler comes in with a ridiculous jacket that not even the Riddler from the 60s Batman film would be caught dead in.

Frank Gorshin Is Looking At You Jim Carrey With Shame…..SHAME!!!

Chase says that Batman will come for her and Riddler says that he is counting on it, but with Jim Carrey saying the line instead of somebody who would be better suited for the Riddler role. He then uses his brain waves machine to leave a giant question mark along with the Bat Signal.

Commissioner Gordon wonders where that is coming from and surmise that it must be the Riddler doing it. Back at Wayne Manor, Bruce Wayne figures out the riddle sets all of this up to be Edward Nygma. We then gets a Batman suit up where we see this.

I Would Question Schumacher’s Obsession With Bat-Ass, But Then Again…If One Of WWE’s Latest Video Showed Us Anything, Joel Could Be Trying To Tell The World That Batman Doesn’t Have A MRSA Lump On Him.

Batman asks Alfred if he should go by sea (with the Batboat) or by air (with the Batjet). Then Dick comes out in a costume and recommends they do both.

Batman wonders who his tailor is and Alfred cops to making the costume. He sees an R on his chest and asks what that stands for and Dick says it stands for Robin, which will be his hero name. Robin then says Batman needs his help since Riddler and Two-Face can make a lethal combination, and Batman finally agrees to let Robin team with him, with a little nudging of course by Alfred.

They Are Now Officially Partners

So Batman goes by Batjet and Robin goes by Batboat. Commissioner Gordon almost gives up, but sees the Batjet and is overjoyed that Batman is here to save the day

So if you are wondering what Two-Face and Riddler are doing to combat this, here is what they are doing.

Playing The Most Insufferable Game Of Battleship.

Actually, they are trying to stop the Batboat through this way by choosing which sea mine to release. Two-Face finally is able to get the correct mine and sinks the Batboat, with Robin being able to eject.

And of course, Riddler has to be a fucking twat.

Riddler: Ahhhhh……You Sunk My Battleship!!

Alright, I used Stickley and Godzilla to do their facepalms so I’m going to have to apologize to Robert Seidelman of Game Show Garbage as I have to use his chimpanzee.

Robin is underwater has to deal with goons in scuba gear while Riddler uses his building to shoot a ray to destroy the Batjet, with Batman also getting out of.

And Riddler gives us a face that might haunt my nightmares.

Batman gets out of his seat and grabs Robin, while shooting a net to stop the bad guys from following. They get on the island, and Robin does a stupid “Holy something” moment.

Robin: Holy rusted metal, Batman
Batman: Huh?
Robin: The ground….it’s all metal. It’s….full of holes, ya know.

Urge To Kill….Rising

The island decides to be a pop up with most of it raising, separating Robin from Batman.

Batman sees a latch and enters it while Robin at the higher plane has to fight Two-Face.

Robin gets the better of Two-Face and has the man hanging off the edge. He then claims that Robin finally got his revenge and he’ll see him in hell, but Robin grabs him and says he would rather see him in jail. As much as this change is good for Robin, it turns out to be a blunder as Two-Face is able to have a gun at him.

Meanwhile, Batman is dealing with his own problems as a spiked ceiling is coming down on him.

Oh Please…..I’ve Been There And Done That.

Batman uses his boots to break the ceiling and it falls to the bottom.

Batman reaches the final room and is introduced to the Riddler and if you thought the Riddler jacket was stupid, prepare to be amazed by this piece.

I Have Nothing…Even As A Kid When I Watched This Film For The First Time, This Outfit Was When I Completely Checked Out Of This Film. Yes, This Suit Made Me Realized How Terribly They Made The Riddler.

He even says the line that was repeated many times in the trailers to this film.

Riddler: Riddle me this….Riddle me that….Who is afraid of the big black bat??

Riddler says his goal is the Box will be feeding him everything like credit card numbers, bank codes, sexual fantasies, and little white lies. Some he will use for robberies and some he will use as blackmail. He says, “if knowledge is power, then a god am I.” and he says the “I” with what sounds like a demonic voice. Then he asks if he was over the top with that because he can never tell. I think the fact that he can never tell if he is over the top is all I need to say about why Jim Carrey was not a good choice to play The Riddler.  

Then Riddler unveils his ultimate game with the help of Sugar and Spice. On one side, you have Dr. Chase Meridian.

And on the other side is Robin.

He creates two holes on the floor under the two cells and reveals that he will drop both of them and wonders which one Batman will save because he can only save one. Batman has other plans and decides to play with Riddler, saying he has a riddle for him. The riddle is: I see without seeing, to me…darkness is as clear as daylight, what am I? Riddler answers that he is as blind as a bat. Batman says he is correct and throws a Batarang at the giant chandelier that apparently houses all the brain waves Riddler has collected.

This of course is Riddler’s weakness as now all the brainwaves are being sucked from him….


Riddler pushes the button and remember what he said earlier about not being able to save both, well Batman does.

Of Course He Does

They all get to the catwalk and are met by Two-Face who has his gun. He asks if they have any last words and Batman asks about the coin. He flips the coin and Bruce throws a bunch of coins in the air at the same time to confuse Two-Face.

Because Two-Face needs that one specific coin, he tries to find and catch it, and ends up falls to his death.

In the ultimate twist of irony, as he dies, his coin lands on his hand.

Robin sighs as Two-Face is dead now and Batman goes to find Riddler. He finds him, looking really bad.

Cold Turkey For Brain Waves Is Freaking Brutal.

He grabs Riddler, who screams because he sees the black bat. Then we transition to Arkham Asylum.

Which Thankfully Now Is In A Great Series Of Video Games

There Dr. Burton (a Tim Burton reference of course) calls Dr. Meridian because Edward Nygma asked for her as he knows who Batman is.

Dr. Burton Is Made To Look Like Tim Burton As Well

She goes to his cell and asks who is Batman. Nygma, with his mind warped by the lack of brainwaves, has this answer.

Riddler: I’m Batman!!!

This of course shows that Nygma is just nuts and she just leaves. Bruce is waiting outside and Chase says that his secret is still safe since Nygma knows nothing. Bruce gives her back the Malaysian Dream Ward and thanks her for giving him a new dream.

They Kiss And She Tells Him Not To Work Too Late.

She leaves with Alfred, signaling they will still be a couple (we’ll never see her again) and we end with Batman and Robin running at the screen.

The aftermath is despite the negative criticisms, the movie made a ton of money and because of that, Warner Brothers decided they wanted to make a sequel and of course, they fast-tracked that film….which caused them not to be able to get Val Kilmer back (because he was doing The Saint) so this is the only Batman film he ever did. Nicole Kidman also didn’t return because why would she, it’s not like the film played her off as Bruce Wayne’s new girlfriend and that they were still dating at the end of the film. Even better is in the film, Bruce has a new girlfriend so I guess somewhere after this film, Chase Meridian couldn’t work with him anymore.

If you want a better film that dealt with Bruce finding the love of his life and having the heartbreak of losing her, go watch the animated Batman film, Batman: Mask of the Phantasm, a theatrical film that's poor box office numbers can be attributed to Warner Brothers marketing shitting the bed. I won't say much about the film for fear of spoiling it, but it is one of the best Batman films released in theaters.

But almost everyone else returned for the sequel and we’ll get to that mess and its failure when it gets inducted.

Also one of the things that helped this film is it had an awesome ass soundtrack that has won awards for being the best soundtrack of the year. With great songs by U2 in “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” and a song that did great at the Grammys by Seal in “Kiss From A Rose”. That is funny for this song being the highlight as well, it really has nothing to do with Batman Forever, but still a great song and still one of Seal’s biggest hits (if not his biggest).

Now Val Kilmer I mentioned had a big fall as an actor in the 2000s and the reason for that is because Val apparently has a big ego from being told he was the next big thing. He got directors fired and he has been fired from films because of this. He also gained a bunch of weight and is now mostly in Direct to DVD schlock. He is another case of being more egotistical than your talent will kill your career.

Jim Carrey also has fallen by the wayside as far as being a box office draw, but then again…we should mention that this sadly happens to all comedy actors as they are stuck doing the same thing. Also when you also do so many comedy films, you try to do more serious roles and sadly for Jim, only Jamie Fox seems to have been able to transition well from pure comedy to drama. However, Jim did have one great drama film in The Truman Show.

Chris O’Donnell afterwards did the Batman & Robin sequel (something he considered a low point in his career) and was considered for Spider-man, but ultimately that role went to Toby Maguire. After the moderately successful Vertical Limits, he took a four year hiatus to recover his career. Since 2004, he has been able to successfully get his career back to a point he would like and is on the hit TV series, NCIS: Los Angeles.

Nicole Kidman and Tommy Lee Jones still have successful careers with Nicole Kidman even winning an Academy Award for Best Actress for The Hours in 2002. Nicole Kidman did have a public split with Tom Cruise, but has landed better off of the two with a good marriage to New Zealand-Australia country music star Keith Urban. Tommy Lee Jones has now totaled four Oscar nominations and is since been an avid San Antonio Spurs fan.

Joel Schumacher’s career has sadly gone up and down with no consistancy. After Batman & Robin, while he did good films like 8MM, Tigerland, and Phone Booth, he has also done crap like The Number 23 and Trespass. Sad for a guy who was great and was only going up before the Batman franchise. He has also since apologized for his Batman films not being as good.

We also had a few deaths since this film was released in 1995. Pat Hingle, who played Commissioner Gordon in all the Burton/Schumacher Batman films died in 2009 at the age of 84 from complications caused by myelodysplasia. Michael Gough (who played the loving Alfred Pennyworth) in all the Burton/Schumacher Batman films died in 2011 at the age of 94. Both will definitely be missed.

Overall, I cannot stand this film. Although I do consider Batman & Robin a worse film overall, Val Kilmer is probably the worst cast Bruce Wayne aka Batman. Plenty of times he looks completely lost as Batman and he is made to be the most selfish superhero I have ever seen in film. While yes, there was some really bad moves by the people of merchandising and producers, I cannot say that if you gave Joel Schumacher full reign, you would get a good Batman film either because you know Schumacher was the one behind the gaudy outfits and the focus on Bat Nipples and Bat Ass. Jim Carrey is horribly miscast as The Riddler and Tommy Lee Jones is not used properly as Two-Face. This is in fact one of the few films where the main bad guy at the beginning would become second banana to the later villain and I hate to say this, but that really doesn’t work in films. Yes, you can have a second villain, but the one villain has to be the main villain from beginning to end. And let’s not even get into Akiva Goldsmith as the writer of this film, he has already proven his batshit insanity with Winter’s Tale. Robin in this film was good, but as you will see in the sequel Batman & Robin, he will get screwed over. Alfred is probably the only actor in this film who comes up smelling like roses. Ultimately, you want to see how bad the Batman franchise can be….watch a double feature of this and Batman & Robin. You might see that Ben Affleck has a lot to mess up for it to get to that level of terrible.

Now next month is March and I don’t need NegaSeth to tell me what is next (probably since he got bored with this being a 2 hour film, that he just threw the next induction at me and walked away). So here it is…

Yep…We Are Watching The Worst Leprechaun Film.

No comments:

Post a Comment