This C.H.U.D. Should Not Be For You
While most people in this November shall be having a Happy Thanksgiving and talk about all they are thankful for, it is rather fitting here in Monster Crap that I induct a movie that I am not thankful for. It is a movie that every time I watch it, I do more a face palm than I do laugh. And for those of you who still love Halloween, don’t worry, this movie is set on Halloween. This movie that has been chosen for this month is a sequel to a film that (despite what Mike Mattei at Cinemassacre.com says) I actually like.
The original C.H.U.D. was released in 1984 and starred people who I actually like, for example: John Heard and Daniel Stern (who would later on, work together on another movie you all know and love).
So yeah, because the original C.H.U.D. had some success, someone decided that a “sequel” was to be made. But as you will see this a sequel in name only (although they do try to reference stuff from the original film) because nothing about this film reminds you anything of the original C.H.U.D. Also the dimwits who made this film decided to make a big shift in tone because while the original was a straight out horror movie, the sequel is well…………a horror comedy. Oh you’ll see how groan-worthy this film is because it’s time to unleash upon this turd.
We start off with the title card and notice the little nibbles to the title that are taken.
That Should DefinitelyTrying To Tell You That This Film Is Eat It
We are at a top secret hospital base where a doctor to inject a body with a deadly liquid while saying that it’s time for his final meal.
Much To The Chagrin Of Colonel Masters
Oh Robert Vaughn, welcome to the hallowed halls of Monster Crap. I’m sure that this won’t be the last time we see you here.
Anyway, the meeting is then adjourned and Masters tries to tell the doctors that they are making a huge mistake. The female doctor tells Masters that there was a reason these creatures were kept underground and it was their cannibalistic nature. So yes, this film is going merely on the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller meaning, even though as I mentioned………at the end of C.H.U.D., it was shown that was merely a cover for what it really stood for.
Anyway, apparently the Chud has gotten out, killing the good doctor who was trying to kill it and that’s the end of his character, even though knowing what we know about these C.H.U.D.s later…..that really shouldn’t have been the end of him. So everyone from the meeting go after him and……..
*Sigh* We Had To Get In A Cat Jump Scare For Some Reason
The Chud then shows up and….,
THAT IS NOT A CHUD!!!!!
That’s A Chud!!!!
The thing in this film is more of a zombie with bad fucking teeth. Oh and welcome back to Monster Crap, Gerrit Graham. It has been a long time since I last inducted a film you were in.
He Was The Technician Nessler, Who Got Strangled By The Killbots In Chopping Mall
Anyway……..the soldiers all freeze the “C.H.U.D.” and Masters decides that instead of killin it, like he was supposed to do…………he would merely keep it cryogenically frozen so when he got back the funds for the C.H.U.D. project, a “C.H.U.D.” would be available. Oh and where are they going to keep him at…………..why the Winterhaven Center for Disease Control, which as the Colonel says is in a some Podunk town.
Meanwhile, we are at the science classroom of Mr. Proctor .
This Also Introduces Us To Our Main Characters, Kevin (Center) And Steve (Right)
And Katie (Whose Actress Tricia Leigh Fisher Was Not “Pretty Smart” To Be In This Film……….Look At Her IMDB Page To Get That Horrible Pun)
Steve is a bit of a class clown and the guy who Proctor calls up to the front of the class to explain his experiment. Steve tries to do the old introduce electrodes to a frog that is paralyzed, which reacts by moving its legs, but that frog he will be using is not paralyzed and through hijinks, he starts a fire. He then makes it worse, but trying to put out the fire with chemicals. Finally Kevin gets a bucket to put out some of the fire………..although they never do put out the whole fire nor will that fire go anywhere.
Only thing that happens afterwards, Kevin and Steve are punished by being made to clean the back room where they keep all the science stuff. Kevin bumps into the cadaver and of course it ends up getting away via falling down the streets.
Which Just So Happens To Be Our “Chud”
They take him back to Steve’s place and the parents are oblivious to the fact that their son and his friend brought home a dead guy. The dog makes barking noises although no one pays attention and when Steve’s little sister sees this and calls them out on this, Steven intimidates her into believing that this is all a bad dream. They hide the “Chud” in the bathroom and through sheer stupidity, electrocute the damn thing, which brings it back to life. They all scream at this revelation.
Probably Personally Screaming That They Want Out Of This Movie
Stevens thinks that they have solved the idea of resurrecting the dead, which he thinks the two can get an A in science class for. Steve tells Kevin that they will hide this newly resurrected guy into the basement. The Chud of course easily breaks out of the basement. Of course the parents still notice none of this because they are too busy arguing over Steve’s future in construction that his dad wants for him. He sees the dog and wants to make a meal out of him.
Back at the Winterhaven CDC, Masters is being told about the kids who stole the body and they all hope that Bud is not resurrected.
Back at the house, while trying to get the dog, the Chud sees a picture of Katie in a swimsuit and develops the crush on her. He then continues to chase the dog. At the restaurant where Steven, Kevin, and Katie are eating at, Steve and Katie talk about the fame and Kevin really is apprehensive of the whole thing, not even wanting Katie to be involved. Anyway, Bud eventually catches up with the dog and takes a bite out of it (although we never see the actual bite happen on screen, instead getting a bite sound effect…….which will a continuing trend in this film).
Graves (who is the Colonel’s adviser) is then explaining that the “Chuds” don’t kill their victims and merely just nibble on them. However, that doesn’t really matter because once the enzyme is introduced into the brain from a bite; they turn into a “Chud” as well.
He Was The D.A. In The Trial At The Beginning
Colonel Masters is not too worried about the fact that these Chuds are basically now zombies although personally, I am pretty insulted.
Meanwhile, the three kids find out that they are wanted for stealing the Chud. They have the license plate of Katie’s car which screws all three of them. Steve then makes a plan of going back to the house, putting the clothes on the stiff, and barge into a television studio to bask in the glory. Yeah, few problems with that: 1) No one is going to believe you; 2) The army will arrest you all the while saying it is a prank; 3) you probably will be never heard from again. Anyway………the Chud walks out on the streets and he even has theme music to play for him.
The crew find out that the Chud has escaped, but don’t notice that the now Chud-infected dog is watching them. Back at the base, the Colonel decides that the best thing for them to do is pick up the kids so they can find Bud which they explain, is the Chud’s nickname. So for the rest of this movie, we will refer to that one Chud as Bud.
Bud and his theme music go to a house where a skanky dressed woman doing aerobics lives.
I Bet Bud’s In The Window There, Wondering What The Hell This Lady Is Doing.
My Apologies………….Bud Is Actually Dancing Like An Idiot
Anyway, aerobics lady looks for her cat and while doing so, she runs into Bud. She actually strangely enough starts hitting on him until he shows his teeth, which freaks her out………so Bud takes a bite out of her.
Bud then bites a drunk (in a suit for some reason) and turns him into a Chud. Oh and Bud also takes his suit as well. Meanwhile, the three teens are too tired so they decide to go home to sleep and continue the search in the next day.
The next day, while the parents are eating, Sally (the little girl) sees the mailman get attacked by the Chud poodle.
Who Knew That The Way To Make A Poodle A Manly Dog Was To Turn It Into The Chud
The kids try to get ready to chase the Chud, but the authorities are around
Well, Hope You Enjoy Guantanamo Bay, You Terrorists
Well, luckily our little convicts are able to elude the very stupid authorities. Meanwhile we see that Bud just took a bite out of the barber.
Yeah Bud…………You Might Have Wanted To Take That Sheet Off
Well, he does when he realizes he still had it on so it’s not like these things are really that smart. On the car ride, Masters says that in his age……..if he missed school, his father would have taken him to the wood shed, which Graves said those don’t exist anymore. Graves………….it was a metaphor for his father whipping his ass. While the three teens search for Bud, they don’t notice the Chud in the aerobics lady and then we see a scene where the now turned Chud barber kills a guy.
Oh Dear God Why………..
Actually I shouldn’t be too mad at the Barber for being in another movie since he was Reverend Fisher in….
They Decided To Have A Bobby Burger
They finally notice that Bud is on the back of that truck and decide to follow it. Meanwhile when Masters and his crew see that the Burger joint is now infested with Chuds, the only thing to do is blow it up with a bazooka.
Eh………….It’s Not Really Overkill Anymore After You’ve Seen A Guy Blow Up A Grizzly Bear With One Of Those Bazookas.
However, when they leave….we see that the Chuds survived and one of them says
Burger Chef Chud: What A Blast
The teens follow Bud and company to a farm, but get outnumbered by Chuds when the military arrives. The military tries to freeze one of the Chuds, but no luck since they have evolved beyond the idea of freezing him as a way of stopping him so the military has to retreat. They of course also arrest the teens and interrogate them. Nothing really happens despite the fact that Masters tells them that by the time they get out of jail, they will be senior citizens.
Meanwhile, Bud meets up with all of the other Chuds and seeing that it’s Halloween, it doesn’t look good for the town of Winterhaven. They even eat some trick-or-treaters although they don’t seem to eat this random cameo.
The Director Of 976-EVIL himself, Robert Englund
I guess I should mention that since Robert Englund’s most well-known role is as the child killing and often hinted at child molesting Freddy Kruger……….seeing Robert Englund in a trench coat walking with a trick-or-treater seems very wrong. Wouldn’t you agree?
Also, This Kid Saying “Bitchin’ Costumes” Is Wrong As Well.
Anyway, the Chuds find a flyer for a Halloween Dance and decide that………oh yes, they should go there.
Hey Gang, We’re Going To A Buffet………….YAY!!!!!!
Back to the base, Sam the driver to Colonel Masters gets killed by the Chud poodle. And because it’s Halloween, Colonel Masters needs his driver to drive him to town.
Yeah………….Safe To Say That Colonel Masters Is Going To Be A Chud.
Wait……..now why does that guy look familiar?
Oh Fuck……………It’s One Third Of The Nastiest Three Way Sex Scene I Have Ever Seen In Howling 2: You’re Sister Is A Werewolf.
Thanks C.H.U.D. II, now you reminded me of a movie I never wish to remember.
Except For You Horny Owl……………….I May Need You In The Future.
The kids then remember that there is a Halloween dance tonight. But as soon as they say that, Bud and the Chuds attack their place and after wishing he had decided to be a plumber, Graves sacrifices himself so the kids can get away and try to save the Halloween Dance. Of course Graves sacrifice is in vein since the Chuds still survive and somehow get to the dance first.
Don’t Ask Me How…………This Movie Will Never Explain What Takes The Kids So Long.
Also Don’t Ask Me Why They Did A Random Dance Scene To Music That Is Not Bud The Chud’s Theme Song
Oh and because it is Halloween, the Chuds are seen as regular people in costume so eating people is rather easy.
Not Arguing With Zombies To Go After Her………………She Looks Really Hot In That Outfit
They chase her to the pool and while she swims to the other side, they all just mindlessly enter, although a few need prodding to stay in the pool.
Chud Kids Get Out Of The Pool……………….It’s Chud Adult Swim
Steve Gets Bit
Most of the Chuds get frozen.
Thanks To Kevin’s Donkey Kong Throws
The Chuds try to escape the pool, but they are stopped from escaping and most of them freeze.
Bud chases Katie up to the diving board. The Chud tries to be sweet on her and……
Actually Tries To Giver Her His Heart
Kevin then freezes Bud.
Katie and Kevin hug
I’m Not Going To Even Bother Asking At This Point
Anyway, the next day………..we find out that Steve has run away, leaving behind a note for his friends, saying because he screwed up and cost a lot of people their lives, he is going to change his life by going off to see the world. Oh and the note tells Kevin and Katie that they make an outrageous couple. They talk about how they are going to miss the guy as we see Steve hitch-hiking.
Along With The Chud Poodle
So yeah, Steve is now a Chud and gets a ride from a lady in her truck.
Oh And Apparently, Colonel Masters Is There And Is Also A Chud
And It Seems The Lady Is A Chud Too
She suggests that they all stop somewhere and get a bite to eat which Steve agrees to. So yeah, this movie ends with a sequel-bait, which thankfully doesn’t happen.
Originally this was going to be a theatrical release, but I guess someone saw the damn film and decided “Yeah, that’s not good enough to go to theaters”. Instead it was released on video and no one even bothered to put it out on DVD until this year when they made a barebones release of it along with 7 other films, including current inductions like Ghoulies 3 and Chopping Mall and future inductions like 976-EVIL II and The Unholy. The only good one in that set is Waxwork (haven’t seen Class of 1999 so I can’t say on that one). Slaughter High (which is also in this set) is bad, but not eligible for Monster Crap because it has no monster. So yeah, you can see that CHUD II is the bastard child of the two CHUD films.
Now for what happened to people’s careers after this film. Well, you know that the guy who played Graves went on to be the D.A. in the Monster Crap inducted film, Pinocchio’s Revenge so I don’t need to bring much on him. Brian Robbins (who played Steve) has gone on to be a TV producer. Robert Symonds (the actor who played Proctor) died in 2007 of prostate cancer, sadly leaving behind his wife, Patricia Pointer (who was also in this film) and three kids, and some step-kids, including the director of this film David Irving. And I think we all know Robert Englund’s career from the past induction of 976-EVIL.
So my opinion of this film: this film sucks. I really didn’t mention any of the jokes (other than the one I kind of made fun of in my subtitle) because either they weren’t very funny or they were delivered by someone with not much comedic timing on it. It tries to be a horror comedy, so much so that it doesn’t even bother taking into context certain things. The Chuds shouldn’t beat the kids in a van to the Halloween Dance without some reason. The whole turning Steve into a Chud makes no sense since given the time anyone else turned into a Chud, Steve should have been one in the final battle. The only one redeeming quality of this film is the Chud theme song and they sadly rarely use it, even not using it in scenes where that shit would be very appropriate. There is definitely a reason why when this film is referenced………it is done so in a joking fashion.
So now that we are done with C.H.U.D. II, what film did our fans choose next?
None Actually…………….Because Once Again I’m Choosing It For You.
So I guess this is the new modus operandi, NegaSeth. You sometimes let the people choose and sometimes you choose.
Right you are….
Oh goody, what do you have in mind this time?
Well, This December and the next…………I will be making you do two films from the same series. There are only two films actually…….for now and these films have been recommended for induction from your past blogs, but you used the excuse that you actually owned these films so it’s time to pay up.
I know which films you mean
That’s right, for the next two Decembers……..
It Will Be A Decoys December