Saturday, July 14, 2012

Monster Crap Inductee: Evil Bong (2006)

Monster Crap Inductee: Evil Bong
Puff Puff Give This Movie Back


Folks, I have to be honest about last week’s induction. While I mentioned Charles Band creating the Ghoulies, it seems that he had nothing to do with Ghoulies Go To College. Yeah……in the early 90s, the company he was main producer and who really owned the Ghoulies, went out of business (thanks to the fallen Italian currency that the company was situated under) and had to sell some of his properties to other companies. Another franchise he lost that got that got sequels on the cheap (even though the films were never intended to be part of the franchise) was Troll. But perhaps the biggest one that he lost and perhaps the most well received film he has ever produced was…..

Probably The Franchise He Hates Losing The Most

But such is the life of a Hollywood filmmaker (heck, George Romero gets barely (if anything) for Night of the Living Dead, Dawn Of The Dead, Day of the Dead, and Creepshow because of seedy higher ups). However, this film is different because not only does Charles Band have full rights to this film, but this will be a first for Monster Crap because Evil Bong was actually directed by Charles Band himself. And seeing that Charles Band, like others, thought the idea of a killer bong was awesome as hell, Mr. Band was able to get several names to make cameos and in a rare feat for most films that are direct to DVD, get an actual soundtrack recorded.

Yes, This Exists…………& I Actually Like Some Of The Music On It

Not much else info on this film so let’s get to the film itself. We start this film with the opening credits.

Complete With The Catchy Tune Called “Wicked Weed” From 99 Cent Baby

The opening credits is basically if someone had a screen saver of marijuana. And our first image of the film is…….

Jesus Christ With A Joint In His Mouth. Oh No….The Religious Crazies Are Gonna Throw A Fit.

Just What I Was Thinking

We are then introduced to our first two characters Alistair and Larnell.

Alistair is here to answer the ad for a new roommate since the rent is cheap. However, it becomes very clear why the rent is so cheap since Larnell likes to toke, there are other roommates that are introduced who also like to toke, and Larnell really doesn’t have a bed for his new roommate.

That’s Bachmann, One Of The Other Roommates & The Surfer Stereotype

And That’s Brett…..The Jock Stereotype

Yeah, all of them are complete stereotypes so their characters don’t advance beyond the usual other than all of the others smoke except for Alistair, who instead spends his time being a little prissy about certain things (red meat, getting a Roman god’s name wrong, etc). We do learn that Brett used to be a baseball player (a pretty damn good one) who failed a drug test so he was kicked off the team.

Also……Don’t Put Anything Next To His Trophies

Anyway, we get to the story here which is Larnell, with Alistair’s rent has the opportunity to buy a large bong that is supposed to be cursed. Yeah……….cursed bong would normally be a reason not to buy it, but these guys are morons and it gives amazing highs.

Oh We Get Transitions As If I Am Watching A 60s Batman Episode

Anyway, after that……..the roomies are hanging out.

Larnell Playing Super Mario World…..Points For Playing A Fun Game

Alistair Doing Homework

Yeah……time to bring back an old joke of the show. Ogre, if you please???


By the way, those sound effects aren’t from Super Mario World at all…… yeah, this movie got to be able to play the game, but couldn’t get the sound effects. Anyway, there is a knock on the door and a person delivers the “cursed” bong.

Brett comes in to exposit that Larnell was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but his rich grandfather has disowned him for dropping out of law school.

That’s The Bong, By The Way

Brett and Alistair both think the bong is a scam and he should send it back, but Larnell likes that it is “shaped like a beautiful woman”. Larnell thinks they should smoke out of it and that wakes up Bachmann.

Yeah, He Was Sleeping The Whole Time

They get high except for Alistair (who still doesn’t believe in doing that).

Come On Man, As Long As You Don’t Inhale, You’ll Be Fine……

Anyway, after the three get high, Brett still thinks Larnell got screwed. Bachmann says that there is no such thing as a high that was not amazing as there is no such thing as a terrible blowjob. Brett counters by naming a girl and said she had a set of teeth on her and let’s not continue because I think we all get the point. Larnell then decides to place the bong next to Brett’s trophies which he does not like.

Another transition and we go to that night where the bong comes alive.

Alistair wakes up to see this and is confused. So naturally we cut to 24 hours later….

Okay………What The Hell Movie??? This Transition Is Rather Rushed.

So the next day (if it was 24 hours later, wouldn’t it be night again?), Bachmann smokes some more weed and even Larnell is thinking he is smoking too much.

Brett Then Comes In With His Girlfriend Luann And Her Friend, Janet.
We see that Alistair is smitten with Janet and Larnell tries to hit on her, even though Luann basically says that she would not be interested in him. Janet then agrees with her so yeah, crash and burn….Larnell. But Larnell disagrees and basically says that this is a breakthrough for the sexes…..straight talk, no BS. Larnell then offers everyone some beer. Alistair introduces himself and we learn immediately that despite the outfit, Luann is not a cheerleader….she just wears it for Brett. Of course, Alistair kind of embarrasses himself by well…..

Having Bubbles On His Pants.

Yeah, earlier he was washing his underwear in the sink, basically got some on his pants and didn’t notice. Embarrassing as hell… Everyone jokes around with him about it and he runs off. The ladies leave after declining to smoke off of what they feel is an ugly bong. Brett leaves as well. Well, they are about to leave when the bong says “bitch”. They all hear it and thing Larnell said it. Larnell claims innocence and then the two girls and Brett leave after scolding him.

That night, the bong sucks Bachmann’s essence into it and it transports him into a strip club called Bong World with a strange tint to know that this is not the normal world.

Due to the rampant nudity, I can’t show you much of the strip club. Anyway, Bachmann is there and is with some strippers. Anyway, we have cameos of characters from other Charles Band films.

Ooga Booga From “Doll Graveyard”

And Ivan Burroughs From “Decadent Evil”

I’m always happy when I see Phil Fondacaro in a film. Anyway, Ivan warns Bachmann warns him about this place and the strippers since he knows a thing or two about the creatures of the night.

Bachmann ignores his warning. A stripper comes up to him and offers a lap dance….and of course Bachman accepts. Of course, it is kind of strange that she has skulls on her bra, but Bachmann thinks nothing of it…………until one of those skulls attacks and kills him.

The cameos watch this….

With Ooga Booga Jacking Off

And Ivan Says “Nasty”

Hey, let a real pro say this correctly.


Since these are cameos, they will never show up again in this film.

Next day, Brett comes back from the party. He recommends that Alistair have some fun with like and not always hit the books so hard. The two go to clean the place up while Larnell notices the bong has a face now.

They then discover that Bachmann is dead and naturally freak out. Alistair tries to call the authorities, but the other two make sure he doesn’t do that. Brett has an idea that at dark, they drive him over to where Bachmann’s parents live and drop his dead body off there. Of course when they try to do this, there is a knock at the door so they have to hide the body. Who is at the door?

It’s Larnell’s Rich Grandfather

He criticizes both his grandson and Brett as pathetic louts and miscreants. He is happy to see that Bachmann is gone as he was an utter waste of human skin. He seems to like Alistair because he is not like the others, but notes that his helping Larnell with his studies is a wasted cause. When asked what brings him down here, he announces that he got remarried. He says that she is a looker and Larnell says he always hoped he hooked up with “some big-titted bimbo that he can bang on the side.” His grandfather takes huge issue with this line and basically lambasts him as a disgusting pervert and hopes that one day, convicts will feast upon his scrotum sack. I have to admit, Grandpa here is one of the best characters with his insults. I can’t wait to see what his new wife is like.

And I Now Wish I Didn’t

Grandpa then talks about how before they got here they had a go in the s……way too much information there, Gramps. He takes a dump, makes insults at the three, and leaves with his new wife.  
We transition to later that day and they make fun of the looks of Grandpa’s new wife. They then decide that they never speak of this whole incident again. Larnell then has problems with Alistair hiding the bong behind the couch on the ground because “she” deserves some respect. Larnell says he needs to get high because his old man was stressing him out. When wondering if the weed was bad, they all mention that they all smoked it so it can be the weed that killed Bachmann. Brett then decides that for tonight, they store Bachmann’s body downstairs and the three have the apartment cleaned because the girls are coming over. Brett wants to get Alistair all spiffed up and mentions that he thinks Janet likes the nerd.

We then transition to later that night, its Larnell’s turn to get transported by the bong into Bong World.

We have the bong welcome Larnell to the club with her bodyguard.

Yes, The Bong Has A Bodyguard…..

That guy looks familiar.

*Checks the IMDB*

Oh Dear God……….It’s Sylvester Terkay.

Oh you don’t remember him…….well, that’s understandable as he was barely in the WWE for only a few months before being dumped because WWE was more interested in his corner man Elijah Burke. Elijah while a much better wrestler, had several issues with his co-workers backstage (like CM Punk (way before Punk got big in WWE)) and WWE didn’t know what to do with him so he working in TNA as “The Pope” DeAngelo Dinero.

The cameos continue with another Charles Band character…

The Gingerdead Man

The guy voicing him by the way is John Carl Buechler, who directed the last film I inducted.  Larnell’s grandfather shows up to scorn his grandson, but Larnell has the bodyguard get rid of him.

The stripper Larnell takes a liking to shows up with a bra with sharks on it.

Of course the same thing happens, the bra bites and kills him.

So it’s now night and the girls have come over to party. When asked where Bachmann is, they change their story and say that Bachmann is dead tired. Once again, the bong gets more of a face.

Nobody still knows that Larnell is dead because they are too busy playing Trivial Pursuit.

After the game, Brett and Luann take some hits from the bong. Janet also takes a hit from it. Brett and Luann then start to make out while Alistair and Janet hit it off. We then see Luann’s horrible over-acting.

Oh Yeah, This Was Bad

Thankfully Brett and Luanne finally pass out. Janet starts to make out with Alistair, but Alistair notices that Larnell is dead. And then of course, the bong sucks up the essence of Brett and Luann. Both Alistair and Janet then piece together that the bong may just be evil.

The cameo this time is….

Jack Attack From “Demonic Toys”

After that moment, Luann wants out, but Brett wants to stay. So since someone wants to leave, the bong has her bodyguard carry the lady out.

Luann Is I Guess Supposed To Be Dead Because Of This

We then meet Carla Brewster, who Brett said gave one of the worst blow jobs, but yet it is obvious he still has the hots for her.

Played by Brandi Cunningham Of VH1’s “Rock Of Love”

Now she has a bra as well with lips on hers.

Killer Bras

Her bra of course attacks his junk so now Brett is dead.

The bong has once again changed appearance….

Alistair and Janet notice this and Alistair says she should be okay because she took one hit. The bong then interrupts that only one hit is all it takes. Janet then passes out and is taken by the bong.

Then we get an appearance by Tommy Chong.

He reveals that he is Jimbo, the original owner of the bong. When said that the original owner supposedly died, he says that was false and made up by his wife, who sold the bong, as she sold everything including his Hot Wheels collection. He explains that the bong has some voodoo curse on it and he doesn’t believe it can be stopped. Alistair says that he is going to go in there after Janet and stop the bong. Jimbo gives him what he thinks are vitamins, which could help him escape the bong. So Alistair takes a hit and is transported to the bong’s strip club.

The bong then tries to get Jimbo to take a hit for old time sakes and Jimbo declines, wanting instead to destroy the bong.

He tries several means, but fails.

Meanwhile while inside, Alistair tells the bong that he is only here to rescue Janet. The bong tries to get strippers to tempt him towards other things, but he is resolute in his goal. As he leaves the strippers behind, he runs into Jack Deth from Trancers.

I Would Get Into How Awesome Tim Thomerson Is And How His Acting Saves Plenty Of The Films He Is In, But That Would Be Longer Than This Cameo In This Film.

He leaves and even shrugs off the strippers himself, but just basically gesturing to them to get out of his way because Jack Deth is too cool for strippers. We then see what Janet is doing, having fun with a male stripper.

Alistair grabs Janet as they try to leave. Meanwhile in the outside world, Jimbo has some dynamite with a timer and the bong actually seems worried about this so she sprays some fumes to get Jimbo to be high. This works because Jimbo passes out. Back in Bong World, while running away….Alistair and Janet run into….

Bill Moseley

If you don’t know who Bill Moseley is…..well, where do I begin.

He Was Chop Top In “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2”

He Was Johnnie In The 1990 “Night Of The Living Dead” Remake

He Was The Deadite Captain In “Army Of Darkness”

He Was Otis Driftwood In Rob Zombie’s “House Of 1000 Corpses” & “The Devil’s Rejects

Basically he’s been a pretty known name in the B-movie realm. So who does he play here? Just some patron of Bong World. That’s all………..just some guy. Hope you got your money’s worth, guys because he is never seen again. The bong is tired of Alistair’s meddling and when asked why she is doing this, she says that she…………wants to take over the world.

Alistair then makes some speech about how this is America, where people should be able to get high if they want to. He then says that if he can’t succeed….Jimbo will, which the bong laughs at and already mentions that he failed and Jimbo shows up.

This Failure Music Sound Clip Would Really Be Appropriate Right Here

Jimbo apologizes for his failure to resist getting high and says that they should get out of here because he has something planned. Alistair and Janet leave as Jimbo shows the bong that he has strapped himself with a bomb and blows Bong World up.
Alistair and Janet awaken, along with Brett, Bachmann, Larnell, and Luann. Sadly Jimbo is still dead, but they all celebrate the fact that the bong has been destroyed. But back in Bong World, we see Jimbo playing with the strippers and his Hot Wheels toys. 

Truly A Good Way To Go Out On

And the movie ends, but once the credits play, we learn that the evil bong is not dead as we get a preview for Evil Bong 2: King Bong.

Anyway, since this is 2006, not much has happened to our cast. Most of the main cast returned for Evil Bong 2 except for David Weidoff (who played Alistair) and Kristyn Green (who played Janet) because I’m guessing they felt they had better things to do (in reality, they really didn’t). Another thing of note is currently Tommy Chong has prostate cancer sadly, but luckily he is still fighting it. Everyone else went on to do more movies and even some more Charles Band films. But we do have our sad news as the rich grandfather’s wife died in 2012 at 102 years old.

So now it is time for my opinion. Well, I actually don’t mind this film. For what it is, it could have easily been better, but it also easily could have been worse. It’s really a harmless movie helped to become satisfactory by the soundtrack. Some of the dialogue is very good with the imaginative ways to call someone names. The characters are all stereotypes, but they fit those very well. So honestly, it’s a completely harmless movie.

But it is time for me to reveal the film I chose to be my 100th induction. It is a film that has a very special place in my heart because this is the film that gave me the idea for Monster Crap and was the first monster movie I ever saw. However, I do know this film is not good and putting all of those things together, I could think of no better film to be my 100th induction than….

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