The Final (For Now) Impact Implosion Covers IMPACT Homecoming

Sad to see it end for now, but despite Impact saying during the ppv that they would be on Twitch in a simulcast, we decided that once we decided this was going to be the end (for now), we are not going to be like Impact and keep ourselves around like a cockroach. Unfortunately, this ppv was only just decent with the last two matches having horrible finishes. But the tag title match was freaking great and the Ultimate X Match was good as well. 

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The Second to Last Impact Implosion Episode Ever!

It wasn't an easy decision to make. Unfortunately, the lack of being able to watch this show live by both Mike and myself, made this the only real decision to make in this situation. It's sad as we really wanted to keep doing this. While this would normally have been the last show since next week would be the first on Pursuit, however we have decided you deserve one more episode which will be this Sunday as we will review Homecoming before bidding adieu. And also lucky we made that call as this is not the episode of any kind to end our more than 6 year run as it really is just a whimper. 

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2018 GINO Award Poll

2018 in the books and man, what a year for stinkers. Instead of the 16 from last year, we have 20 this year and almost 21.....but in a hard choice, I cut out Show Dogs for the even number. Hopefully, 2019 will be a bit better, however...let's look at the 20 movies that I am nominating for this infamous GINO Award. You all get to choose the winner and the nominees are (in alphabetical order):


2036: Origin Unknown
Katee Sackoff Argues With A Computer & Inadvertently Causes The Apocalypse. There, I Just Saved You 90 Minutes Of Wasted Time For A Movie That Ended Way Longer Than It Should Have. 


A Demon Within
This Movie Has A Complete Checklist Of Shit I Hate In Movies. Uninspired Acting - Check. Bad CGI - Check. Pointless Child Death - Check (Kid Gets Crucified). A Point Where The Movie Could End, But Keeps Going - Check. Boring Pacing - Check. Try To Stay Awake If You Ever Have The Misfortune See This. 


A Wrinkle In Time
A Complete Moss By Disney That Was Doomed As Soon As They Hired A Director Who Is Best At Making Real Life Dramas Instead Of Big Budget Fantasies. Despite What Defenders Tried To Say Of This Film, This Was A Complete Mess That Could Never Be Taken Seriously In Any Way. 


Day Of The Dead: Bloodline
Another Attempt To Remake Day Of The Dead. The Zombie Apocalypse Has Occurred And The Zombie That Could Be Our Very Salvation (As Despite Being A Zombie, May Have The Cure In His Blood) Has One Problem. You See, Before He Became A Zombie, He Was A Stalker Of Our Main Female Character And He Tried To Rape Her. Yeah, That Will Go Well. 


Deep Blue Sea 2
9 Years After The Original Deep Blue Sea Became A Cult Classic Thanks To A Decent Cast, Filmmakers Decided A Sequel Was In Order. But Instead Of A Good Cast That Could Save A Badly CGI Mess Of A Film (Like The First One), We Get A Cast That Couldn't Be Bothered To Be Interesting If Their Life Depended On It. 


Dominion: The Last Star Warrior
Everything On That Cover.........Never Appears In This Movie. Much Like Battle For Skyark In 2016, The Whole Movie Takes Place On A Desert. However, Unlike Battle For Skyark, This Movie Is Even Cheaper And Was Made In 2015, But Released This Year. And Despite Booboo Stewart Being The First Name On The Marquee, He Has Five To Ten Minutes In The Film. 


Kin
This Movie Tried To Tell Us That This Was About A Kid And His Found Space Gun, But That Merely Is Only A Small Person Of The Film. Instead, We Have A Story Of That Same Kid Getting Led Around By His Older Brother For A Road Trip, Which Is Them Running Away From Gangsters Because The Older Brother Is A Complete Fuckup. 


Slender Man
Years After The Slender Man Meme Because Old And A Horrible Incident Happened Because Of Of Some Kids' Belief In Him, Someone Decided It Was Time To Make A Horror Movie Based On The Character And You May Need Plenty Of Caffeine As This Movie Is A Bore To Get Through As Well As Being Completely Not Understanding Much About Slender Man.


The Cloverfield Paradox
Released After The Super Bowl, Which Netflix Got Time On To Tell Us On That Day That Yeah, This Film Exists. This Movie By All Means Tries To Be Its Own Film (Which It Orignally Was) While Through Clunky Ways, Make Cloverfield & 10 Cloverfield Lane Be Connected To This. The Ultimate Result Was A Film That Is Exactly Earning Of Being Just Dumped On Netflix With A Few Hours Of Hype. 


The Darkest Minds
It's Another Movie That Tries To Be The Next Young Adult Novel Adaptation Phenomenon And Like Many Of Them, Completely Falls On Its Ass And Bombs To The Point That There Will Not Be A Sequel (Despite The Sequel Bait At The End). Kids Get Powers For Some Unknown Reason And Adults Are Afraid Of Them. Once Again, You Can Tell Someone Thought This Would Be A Good Idea, Realized How Wrong They Were, Hid It For A While, And Then Just Dumped It Out In Theaters In Hopes No One Would Criticize How Bad It Was. 


The Happytime Murders
Happytime Murders Seemed Like A Great Idea When It Was First Conceived And Had Been Known In 2008. However, This Pre-Production Was Troubled With Studio Changes, Cast Changes, And Eventually Ending Up With Melissa McCarthy, Who While Can Be A Good Actress If Allowed To Not Be A Parody Of Herself. But If She Is Nominated Or Anywhere Near Monster Crap, You Know That Didn't Happen (And That Also She Was Able To Write Portions Of Her Character (Like Ghostbusters)). Sadly This Film Eventually Lost A Lot Of The Humor And Interesting Idea That Made This A Good Idea 10 Years Before. 


The Lotus
In A Year Where We Had Some Good Zombie Movies, We Had More Of The Same Shit Zombie Movies Too. The Lotus Continues That Trend With Some Of The Worst Acting I Have Seen In A Long Time. Of Course, This Was A Film That Was Made In 2015 And Sat On The Shelf, So That It Could Be Dropped On DVD In 2018. Sadly Like Some Other Movies, There Isn't A Single Actor In This Movie I Have Heard Of. In Fact, There Are Also Aliens In This Movie. Don't Ask Me What They Do Because Besides The Movie Being Shit, I Couldn't Even Be Bothered To Remember The Ending. 


The Lullaby
A South African Horror Film That It Is So Boring, I Needed Two Cans Of Soda To Stay Awake For This Shit. Terrible Acting, Boring Pacing, Unlikable Characters, And Bad CGI Ruin An Idea Of A Mother Going Through An Issue Many Moms Go Through In Some Sadness That Comes After Giving Birth Dealing With Some Real Horror. Like I Said, Nobody Is Likable And Rape Is Just Something That Happens In This Film. I Would Like To Also Add That This Is Directed By The Guy Who Directed Dracula 3000. 


The Manor
Despite Kevin Nash Being On The Cover Of This Movie, He Leaves Halfway Through The Movie. Also He Is A Hippie Priest Who Has An Illuminati Necklace, And Somehow, We Miss Him Because He Is The Most Likable Character In This Movie About A Family Where One Of The Kids Gets Out Of A Mental Institution And Three Brothers On A Hunting Trip Both Get Spend The Weekend At Parts Of An Old Manor For Some Reason. There Is Then A Demon Who Starts Killing People.........Or Is It? It's Complete Nonsense And Deserving Of The Nomination. 


The Nun
A Ghost From The Second Conjuring Movie Gets Her Own Movie Because We Need To Have An Origin To That Character. Just Like Someone Decided We Needed An Origin To That Annabelle Doll From The First Conjuring Movie. While Unlike Annabelle (Which Got The Director Of Mortal Kombat 2 Involved), This One Got A Promising Director In The Director Of A Decent Movie A Few Years Ago Called The Hallow. But Sadly, When You Are Made To Do The Same Old, Same Old Nonsense By Studios That Are More Concerned With Cinematic Universes Than Making A Good Film, There Isn't Even A Chance That The Movie Will Turn Out Well. 


The Nutcracker & The Four Realms
Disney Gets Two Nominees For This Year's GINO Award As If It Wasnt For Marvel Studios & Pixar, Disney Would Have Lost A Lot Of Money By Misjudging The Market And Thinking An Epic Nutcracker Movie Would Work. While I'm Sure It Isn't As Bad As The Nutcracker With Rat Nazis In Them (Seriously), It Is So Forgettable That I'm Sure You Would Have Been Better Off Just Playing All The Nutcracker Music Instead. 


The Trump Prophecy
Sigh....I Know Exactly What People Are Going To Tell Me With This Nominee. You Are Going To Fo After Me For Going Political And Honestly, I Hate That This Is A Nominee Myself. Regardless Of My Personal Opinion Of The Man, I Don't Find Political Humor That Funny A Lot Of The Time Which Is Why I Avoid It A Lot. However, I Know People Who Have Seen This Movie And Told Me That This Movie Has Fucking CGI Demons In It. That's Not Even Talking About The Insane Idea This Film Says Is True, A Man Seeing In 2011 That This Man Would Save The World As President. Sadly This Movie Was In Theaters (Thanks A Lot, Fathom Events) And With Everything Said, It Is Getting This Nomination Spot. 


Truth Or Dare
Of All The Movies That Were In Theaters That I Have Somehow Seen This Year, Truth Or Dare Was The Worst. A Movie That Somehow Bastardized A Party Game With Hatable Characters, Terrible CGI, CGI Filters To Morph People's Faces That Were Bad, Terrible Script Writing, An Ass Backwards Plot, And One Of The Most "Fuck You" Endings This Year. Sometimes Blumhouse Can Make Good Films And Sometimes, They Can Make Complete Garbage Like This.


Winchester
It Is Such A Shame That The Spierig Brothers Would Ruin Their Good Film Reputation By Making This Complete Stinker Of A Haunted House Film. The Actors Try, But With A Bad Script, Bad Reveals, And Bad Insinuations That Ghosts Can Somehow Cause Devastating Earthquakes (It Is Based In The San Francisco Area In 1906 So You Can Figure Out What I Mean), I Can Only You Might Finish This Film Rather Insulted Than Scared.


Woody Woodpecker
Oh Hey, You Remember That Annoying Cartoon Bird That People Would Say Might Be More Insane Than That Bird That Talks About Cocoa Puffs, Well He Is Still Hugely Popular In South America So With A Completely English Speaking Crew, They Released This Movie In 2017 Down There And Sadly Up Here In 2018. Basic Formula Of Woody Wanting To Save His Own Forest From An Asshole Who Wants To Build An Investment Home While Also Dealing With Two Guys Who Want To Hunt Woody For Money Since He Is A Species Of Woodpecker That Was Thought To Be Extinct. It Is Not As Bad As Some Of The Others On This List, But When You Have A Joke Where Woody Poops On A Dumbass' Ice Cream (Who Then Eats It), I Kind Of Have To Nominate You. 

Poll Closes on January 12 at 12 AM.

Monster Crap Inductee: How The Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Monster Crap Inductee: How The Grinch Stole Christmas

You’re A Rotter, 2000 Hollywood

2000

When talking about children, there is one name in children’s literature that I have heard more than others in Theodor “Ted” Geisel, also known as Dr. Seuss.

Whether it be The Cat In The Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, Horton Hears A Who, Hop On Pop, or If I Ran a Zoo, Dr. Seuss was responsible for many great books that have spawned more adaptations over the years. To fully talk about Dr. Seuss, who also has an Academy Award for Best Documentary with Design For Death in 1947 (a film he made while he was serving in the US Army during World War II), it would require a huge book report that would basically hijack this induction. Let’s just say that Dr. Seuss is so huge in authoring children’s book that his birthday (March 2) is celebrated as National Read Across America Day, which was created by the National Education Association.

In 1957, Dr. Seuss would make a book just like Twas The The Night Before Christmas, A Christmas Carol, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer (it was a book before it became a song), would become required literature for my childhood in How The Grinch Stole Christmas. The book was about The Grinch, his hatred for Christmas and the Whos celebrating it, and his plan to stop Christmas that seems to succeed in his mind before he comes to realize that his gripes with Christmas were not really what the heart of Christmas was, which changed him good. It was one of the easiest books he ever wrote in his mind (except for the ending) mostly because in some way, he was writing as if he was the Grinch and he did it in hopes that he could rediscover his love for Christmas that in his mind, he’d obviously lost.

That brings us to the animated special that was made in 1966 which was directed by Chuck Jones and Ben Washam, two guys who were very instrumental in the animation of the Looney Tunes cartoons back in the day. It also had the blessing of Dr. Seuss and had only four people who were in the cast in Boris Karloff…

Yes…That Boris Karloff

He would be the only one credited for being the voice of the narrator and The Grinch. The others were uncredited at the time, but were June Foray (who voiced Cindy Lou Who), Dal McKennon (who did the barks for Max, the dog), and Thurl Ravenscroft (who sang that famous song called “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch”. You may have heard of it). You may also know Thurl Ravenscorft as the original voice of that cereal mascot.

You Also Can Hear Him As The Lead Vocalist For That Song “Grim Grinning Ghosts” In The Haunted Mansion, Which Is In Several Disney Parks.

It was of course a huge hit and is played every December by various networks. It’s pretty easy to find and as far as I am concerned, it is one of two films that are played once that month every year. They are The Nightmare Before Christmas every October and this animated special every December because I can promise you that both will warm this cold cynic’s heart every time I watch it.

I Even Have A Blow Up Grinch Decoration Outside For Every December (2^nd One Since The First Got A Puncture Hold Due To Some Strong Wind And Age A Few Years Ago)

Interesting note to also make is the reason why the Grinch is green in basically every incarnation here on out is because of the animated special as in the book, he is just white in the two-tone illustrations. Because as everything was switching to color at that time, it was decided that the Grinch

Sadly, the cast of this film has all passed away and pretty much all of the crew as well as Dr. Seuss have also passed away. Because Dr. Seuss was very reluctant about adapting his books into movies (really only going more towards cartoons because he has history with that form of entertainment as he was a cartoonist as well, and even then, most of those were made with people he was good friends with so he could trust them with his work, it was only after his death his death that 9 years later, Hollywood was able to get the rights to How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

But hey, it seemed like a good idea because it was going to be directed by Ron Howard, who at this time was a big time director after directing the hit Apollo 13 as well as pop culture staples like Splash, Cocoon, Willow, and Backdraft. I actually saw him one time at Baseball Hall of Fame with his family and he was telling his son he wasn’t going to buy a plastic cup for that price. Now I don’t know if he eventually relented or did not do it, because like most people there that seemed to be around, left him alone. But besides that point, I should have known that his last film was EdTV, a film that bombed. But with his directing and Jim Carrey (who was still a big name at the time despite that one hiccup in Batman Forever), I was looking forward to this film. I even saw it with my family on Christmas Day.

So with the new Grinch animated movie (that I have no desire in seeing at this time) playing in theaters and having mixed reactions, it is time for me to tell you why this was not a great Christmas.

We start with….

Universal….I Should Have Known You Asshats Were Behind This.

We then see late 90s CGI snowflakes fall through the sky as our narrator tells us about all of this takes place inside a snowflake.

Considering The Lifespan Of A Snowflake Is 45 Minutes…I’m Going To Guess That This Whoville Town Has One Year Every Millisecond.

Also the narrator is Anthony Hopkins, who read all his lines in a day. Oh and the Whovilles really love Christmas.

They are preparing for Christmas as a marching band plays.

And They Even Have Whos Who Are Smaller Than Poos.

It is at this point, with one of the band members we get to see the Whos faces and…

Oh Dear God…Well, Now We Know Where The Terrifying Faces Of Those Rat Nazis From That Nutcracker Film in 2010 Came From.

You Think I Was Kidding????

And we also get to see from a store being bombarded by customers that…

*Sigh* This Movie Is Going To Tackle The Commercialism Of Christmas, Isnt It?

Look, I understand that idea of the Whos losing everything on Christmas to discover that Christmas means more than presents, but here is the problem with this idea of being Anti-Commercialism, Grinch film.

You Don’t Really Get To Do That While At The Same Time Embracing That Commercialism With Products At Wendy’s

Lou Lou Who and Cindy Lou Who (really with the names?) are out shopping and we see that Cindy Lou thinking all this shopping for Christmas is a bit much, but her dad pays that no mind.

Hey Mr. Noodle

As we see the Whos down in Whoville setting up the tree and getting their presents, we go to the mountains and the narrator tells us that the Grinch did not like Christmas.

We then see hand looking at a periscope which comes up to see some teen Whos trying to be brave by going to the Grinch’s place. These teens have myths about the Grinch, like that he eats Who flesh. An alarm sounds from within the Grinch’s house to tell us that these teens are intruders. The teens though stop when they see the horrifying sight of….

A DOOR!!!! Oh, The Humanity!!!

One of the girls tells the boys to touch the door and convinces him with her eyes to do so. Of course, as soon as he does….this monstrosity shows up.

This scares the teens into running down the mountain as we find out this monster is actually just a mere trick with Max the Dog.

Ladies And Gentlemen, The Best Actor Of This Movie. Thankfully, They Went With Actual Dogs Instead Of A CGI Dog, As Originally Planned.

The Grinch tells Max “Well done” as he is eating rotten vegetables and fruit. The Grinch then tells Max to get his cloak as he wants to go down and teach the Whos for bothering him as he uses an onion to wipe under his armpits.

Yeah, This Movie Makes A Lot Of Jokes About The Grinch Hating Anything That Is Healthy Or Clean.

Then we finally get to see the Grinch’s face.

The Makeup That Would Give This Film An Oscar

You might be asking “why am I inducting a film that won an Oscar?” Well, the Award for Best Makeup has several times gone to rather crap films like Suicide Squad and The Wolfman remake.

Solidifying The Fact That Just Because You Have An Oscar, Does Not Mean You Will Escape My Scorn.

The Grinch tells us he could use some social interaction.

With A Really Impressive Evil Smile

We then go back to Whoville as we see the Grinch’s disguise.

That Wouldn’t Fool Even A Child Unless It Was Halloween. Although I Have Heard Halloween Is Grinch Night.

A bike that the Grinch gave some Whos breaks apart and The Grinch asks who ever could have vandalized that bike.

Who Indeed

The Grinch gives the saw to some kids as the narrator talks about the things that could be wrong with the Grinch, which unlike in the cartoon where they are shown, are just a passing comment as the Grinch just does shenanigans. A guy tries to get the Grinch to buy something, but the Grinch breathes at him some horrific breath.

And of course that salesman gets runover by a bike because this town doesn’t give a care about their fellow Who.

As Lou Lou And Cindy Lou debate whether all this present getting at Christmas is rather superfluous, we hear yelling for dad as we find out those teen boys from earlier are the sons of Lou Lou. Lou Lou asks what happened to them and one of the teens yells out that it was The Grinch, which causes the entire town to stop. This causes Mayor Augustus Maywho to come out.

Played By Jeffrey Tambor, Who 18 Years Later May Want To Stay 50 Feet Away From Women

Augustus is hopeful that the teens did not really go and bother the Grinch around Christmas Time, which Christmas Eve is also the 1,000^th Whobulation.

Oh And Clint Howard Is Here Too Since This Is A Ron Howard Picture And Ron Does Hire His Brother. Monster Crap Faithful May Know That He Was Also In Uwe Boll’s House Of The Dead So Welcome Back, Clint. It’s Been A While.

Lou Lou immediately says his sons must be making things up and when his sons try to say it is the truth, Lou Lou shuts them up and makes them leave while saying they were playing with matches or defacing public property, which I guess is less of a crime in this Whoville. The masked Grinch then fires a spitball at the mayor as everyone moves on, signifying that the Grinch and the mayor may have a past.

We then go to the Whoville Post Office as the Grinch decides that he is going to mess up people’s presents and send people fake Jury summons, pink slips, blackmail, chain letters, and eviction notices. Meanwhile, Lou Lou (who is a mailman) has his daughter go in the backroom to put away some letters. He tells her to watch out for the sorting machine. She goes to the backroom and the Grinch tries to hide, but fails and Cindy Lou screams.

Ahhhh……A Creepy Jim Carrey!!!!

Okay…but I can make this even more horrifying.

Perfect Levels Of Horrifying

Cindy Lou falls into the sorting machine and after a few minutes of debating with himself and Max’s pestering, the Grinch saves Cindy Lou. The Grinch goes to leave when Cindy Lou thanks him for saving her. The Grinch can’t allow anyone to be nice to him so he wraps her up in packaging.

The Grinch leaves and when Lou sees Cindy like this, he thinks she just practiced her Christmas wrapping. Oh and despite the Grinch wrapping her up, Cindy Lou now thinks that the Grinch may not be such a bad guy. That night, we go back to the Lou Whos’ House where we meet Betty Lou Who.

Hey, Molly Shannon……It’s Also Been A While Since You Were On Monster Crap With Your Cameo Appearance In Lawnmower Man 2.

Betty is setting up Christmas lights and believes this year, she will have the best Christmas lights instead of her neighbor Martha May Whovier.

Martha May shuts that down when she reveals her Christmas Lights Gun.

Martha sets up so many lights that Betty Lou realizes once again that it will be another year where Martha wins for best lighted house.

She’s Lucky Her Husband Is Holding On To The Light’s On The Other End Or We Would Have Had Ourselves A Christmas Tragedy…Or Miracle Depending On How You Feel About Molly Shannon.

Lou comes in to get a prank call from the Grinch.

Well, I Guess It Is Better Than Grabbing A Pickle Jar, Eating A Pickle, Then Spitting Pickle Back Into Jar, and Putting It In Someone Else’s Cart (Thanks A Lot, 2018 Version)

After the Grinch hangs up, we see the look on Max’s face.

Max Could Basically Be A Proxy Of Me Throughout This Movie

The Grinch and Max finally go home through a pipe that leads to a dump in Mt. Crumpet.

You’ll Also Find Out Later That Through That Same Pipe Is How He Gets Back To Whoville

A load of hazardous waste comes out and of course because the Grinch loves all things disgusting, he takes the bags as if they are treasure.

We go back to Cindy Lou Who, who sings a song that asks “Where Are You, Christmas”. The Grinch goes home and uses the waste to hit a picture of Augustus. We then get a bit of overacting as the Grinch changes into his pajamas and checks to see that is heart is still small.

Grinch: YES!!! Down A Size And A Half

The Grinch plays with Max and then checks his answering machine (voiced by Alpha 5 from Power Rangers) if there are any calls, which there are not as his outgoing voice message threatened to hunt them down and gut them like a fish. The Grinch then sits down, takes off his socks (which creatures live in them, and eats bottles while wondering if he is just eating because he is bored.

The Grinch says he should never leave this place as he has all the company he ever needs here and does some echo schtick with the echoes saying the Grinch is an idiot. The Grinch then goes to sleep.

The next morning, Cindy Lou Who decides to find out more about the Grinch and why he hated Christmas. Her first interview is with the two ladies who raised the Grinch when he was a child….Claranella and Rose.

They talk about who Whos are born by coming from the sky as babies and being delivered to the house that is to raise them and consider their own child.

Hmm…That Is A Nice Change Of Pace For A Film For The Whole Family Instead Of The Old “The Stork Gave Us A Kid” Explanation.

On Christmas Eve, a strange wind blew that night which had The Grinch baby land on a nearby tree to those two old ladies who raised him.

Oh Dear God…That Is Hideous! Please Don’t Tell Me They Put An Actual Baby Through That Makeup As If How Horrible The Makeup Was For Jim Carrey Is Any Indication, Someone Would Need To Call Social Services.

Meanwhile, they only find the Grinch the next day because they were spending that whole night partying.

Debauchery Galore…Let’s Hope The Baby Doesn’t See All Of This Or He Might Be Scarred For Life And…

Ah Crap…He Already Has

So the next morning for them, they start raising the Grinch by offering him cookies instead of baby food.

YOU ARE TERRIBLE PARENTS!!!

The Grinch is not interested in the cookies, but he does take a bite of the Santa plate it is on.

Again, Hoping That Isn’t A Real Baby Actor

We then go to the Grinch at 8 years old.

This Time I Know For A Fact That Is A Real Actor In That Make-Up And Considering Jim Carrey’s Experience…I May Want To Call Child Services Except For The Fact This Film Is Now 18 Years Old And That Isn’t Really A Kid Under That Makeup. That Is A Young Man Who Suffers From A Type Of Dwarfism Known As Achondroplasia.

Anyway, this Grinch kid likes to draw about destroying Santa and we see he has a huge crush on young Martha May, who everyone was attracted to.

We now get interviews with Martha May and Augustus (w/ Whobris (Clint Howard)). Tomorrow is time for Christmas gift exchange  so the teacher tells the class to bring a special gift for a special someone. Martha May says she was too busy with her studies, but from that photo above, we can see that Martha does have eyes for the Grinch. Also the mayor admits that he liked Martha, but since Augustus was dating her, he didn’t like the Grinch and bullies him.

Augustus says the Grinch doesn’t stand a chance with Martha since he is younger than her and he already has a beard. Adult Augustus justifies this by saying the Grinch’s facial hair was not pleasant.  Young Martha tells Young Grinch that Christmas is her favorite time of the year as she loves the colors of red….and green (which the Grinch is). Adult Martha then says she did not have a crush on the Grinch and Cindy Lou reveals that she never asked.

His two caretakers said that for some reason that day, he came home and seemed very liking of the holiday as he decided to make a nice angel out of scraps and jewels.

Then the Grinch makes a horrible mistake that would haunt us for years to come…

The Grinch….Shaves.

That day the Grinch tries to hide his face, but the teacher makes him reveal it and we see the horrors of a shaved Grinch.

Everyone laughs at the Grinch, including the teacher.

YOU DESERVE TO BE FIRED!!!!!

Martha is the only one not laughing and is upset others are, but the Grinch goes into a rage and proclaims that he hates Christmas. He grabs the tree and throws it to the ground as kids run and Martha looks over the destroyed remains of the gift the Grinch meant for her.

Martha talks about how it was a horrible day. We then see the Grinch climb up Mt. Crumpet and that is where he is today.

The narrator then says whatever the reason…stop. We just saw the freaking reason. This movie gave us something we never needed with the character in an origin story. And sadly from what I hear, the Grinch movie of this year gave him an origin story too. Because that always worked for such characters like Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Godzilla, almost every character that some hack writer decided later on to give an origin story to…it is always dumb. And why do they do this? Because these idiot filmmakers think for some reason, we need to relate to these characters forgetting the fact that with the Grinch, we ALREADY relate to him because there has always been a time for every one of us where we have been annoyed with the holiday season. Dr. Seuss based the Grinch character on himself with his issues on Christmas. The original story and the cartoon already redeemed the Grinch by having him discover the good of Christmas because the only person who can ever make it too late to redeem themselves is themselves.

This makes me so angry that I can go on for days about how stupid this is so let’s just continue on because there is more stupid to unwrap here. The Grinch then goes into a phone book and yells out every name of people he hates for no reason than to feel good.

Music starts playing and the Whobulation begins. The Grinch wants his sedative since Christmas is almost here.

That Sedative Of Course Is A Hammer To The Head

As the Whobulation is going on, Cindy tells her dad that she may do something drastic this year, but her dad isn’t really paying attention so he says that is just fine. And we see Betty Lou Who has committed the huge crime of stealing some traffic lights because she thinks they go great for their house.

THIS ISN’T FUNNY!!!!!

At the town square, Augustus gives a speech about this being their 1,000^th Whobulation and now we need to pick the cheer-meister. The mayor thinks starts to hint that he himself should be it before Cindy wants The Grinch to be the cheer-meister. Augustus tries to make up fake rules in the Book of Who as to why the Grinch can’t be nominated, but Cindy is insistent as the cheer-meister should be the one who needs Christmas Cheer more than anyone. The town agrees, but the mayor says that the Grinch may not come to accept and when he doesn’t accept, someone else will have to get that title.

As they start singing, Cindy looks up the mountain and we see in his home, the Grinch is hating all of this singing.

The Grinch tries to make noise to drown them out as Cindy comes up the mountain to his door. She enters through the doggy door and she finds the Grinch to give him the invitation. The Grinch is a bit upset that Cindy is apparently not afraid of him despite his best mugging for the camera attempts to frighten her.

The Grinch Even Tries To Terrify Her By Ripping Off His Shirt

He then tries to act like an animal.

Jim….Have Some Self Respect, Will You?

He tries to get her to leave, but she won’t leave until he takes the paper invitation. He eventually does after a trophy was in the words, Martha May will be there, and the mayor would be disappointed. He the dumps Cindy into the trash chute.

Cindy has fun with this ride. We then see it is now night and time for the Whobulation and the Grinch debates whether he will go down as he already has a busy schedule including the line “Dinner with me…I can’t cancel that” which was a line Jim Carrey himself adlibbed. The Grinch debates on what he will wear when he decides to steal clothes from a yodeler.

Who Is There For Some Reason

The Whobulation begins and as the mayor points out, the Grinch isn’t here. The Grinch debates whether he was going when Max the dog dumps him down that same trash chute which leads to Town Square. The Grinch flies into the air and lands on Martha May’s boobs.

A Family Picture…

The Grinch has a few minutes of scaring the crowd with minimal effort before accepting the award. He says Cindy Lou mentioned a check which Cindy mentions she did not, which the Grinch admits immediately was true that she did not, but he wants to accept the award and leave.

The mayor says the Grinch will get his award, but first a little family reunion with the two women who raised him since birth, Rose and Clarabella. The Grinch remarks that he can’t believe they are still alive. The Grinch then gets dressed in Christmas garb rather forcefully, put on a throne and carried through town.

The first challenge of is course, the taste testing of the Who Pudding Cook-Off.

Then the Grinch leads the Christmas Conga.

Then the Grinch taste tests the Fruit Cake Fa-La-La.

That Must Be Torture

Then the taste testing of the Fudge Dudge.

The Grinch then wins the Sack Race with Kids

That For Some Reason Has The Music From Chariots Of Fire

You Knew Ron Howard Was Going To Put His Dad Rance Into The Film. I Can Also Add Since You Won’t See Them That Ron Howard Himself And His Daughter Bryce Dallas Howard Are Also In This Film.

The Grinch seems to be enjoying this Whobulation when he gets a gift from the mayor of a razor.

Dammit…..Mr. Mayor

Augustus also decides that he is going to ask Martha May to marry him.

Augustus also tries to buy her off with also a car. But yeah, Augustus pulling this stuff in front of the Grinch pisses him off. The Grinch then first decides to chide them on their materialism and then afterward, decides he will take it out on the town. He first scratches the new car.

He then uses the mistletoe and has it up his ass so he can fart with it.

Oh Yeah, Verne Troyer Is In This Film. He was of course in Pinocchio’s Revenge

He then shaves a strip of hair off of the mayor’s hair.

Yeah…The Mayor Deserved That

He then drinks an old man’s whisky and spits into a lighter to set the tree on fire.

The mayor tells Whobris and what Whobris does is also shave a strip of his hair off.

The Grinch calls for a taxi and after the taxi passes him by, he gives the best line in the film.

Grinch: It’s Because I’m Green, Isn’t It?

The Grinch steals a small car from some mini-Whos.

Hey Loretta From Leprechaun 3

He takes the car for a joy ride.

And to show this Grinch isn’t a bad guy, he crashes the car to avoid hitting a baby.

Don’t Worry…He Isn’t Dead…Despite My Wishes.

The Grinch even dives away from an explosion.

This Is Not An Action Movie

As the Whos are trying to fix the Grinch’s destruction, the mayor subtly blames Cindy Lou Who for all the destruction for her wanting to give the Grinch the honor of Cheer Meister, while keeping himself completely blameless for bringing up the whole shaving incident that he knew caused the Grinch some issues.

We then see the Grinch getting ready to leave, but he sees that his destruction of the giant tree was only a minor inconvenience as they have a new one.

The Grinch complains about the noise that will happen. He then complains about the feast with rare Who Roast Beast, something he cannot stand in the least. And he of course is upset because he is rhyming. Yes, rhyming…something that Dr. Seuss was very huge at with his book…is something this Grinch hates.

The Grinch says that he must stop this Christmas from coming, but he doesn’t know how. He goes inside and sees the dog dancing to Christmas music.

I Forgot To Mention Frank Welker Did All The Dog Noises And Frank Has Been In Several Monster Crap Inductees.

The Grinch throws the dog out of the house.

I Would Have Issues With Animal Abuse, But Then The Grinch Wasn’t Exactly Kind To His Dog In The Source Material

He picks up Max and when he sees his dog full of snow, he would get a wonderfully awful idea.

No, That Is From The 60s Cartoon Special

No, That Was From Earlier From This Movie When He Decided He Would Go Into Town

Yeah, Compared To The Last Two…This Seems Rather Lame Of An Evil Smile

The Grinch starts making a Santa Claus suit and while making this suit, he sings “You’re A Mean One, Mister Grinch”. Yes, you heard me correctly. Instead of the great version by Thurl Ravenscroft, Jim Carrey is singing this song.

You Don’t Know How Many Times I Have Had To Scream “Why??” At This Film And This Singing Was The Segment With The Most Times I Have Yelled That When Watching.

And instead of Thurl singing this while the Grinch steals Christmas, the Grinch is singing this while making his sled. Jim Carrey, you are no Thurl Ravenscroft. Also, this makes no sense for the Grinch to sing as the song is done in complete disgust of the Grinch. Are you telling me, the Grinch hates himself? Because if you are, we need to put him on the suicide watch list with lyrics like this song. Finally, when he talks about termites being in his smile, there are actual termites in his teeth.

Gross And Makes No Sense For Termites Unless He Has Wooden Teeth.

The Grinch sees Santa leaving and realizes he forgot to get a reindeer so he made his dog into one.

The Grinch then acts like a director (for some dumb joke of a reason) and wants Max to have motivation for his role as an evil reindeer

Max just takes the nose off which the Grinch is all too happy with this because he rejects the his own nose because it represents the glitter of commercialism.

Although instead of the Grinch having Max take the sleigh down (a bit of animal abuse taken away, but don’t worry….they’ll still do it), The Grinch makes it a motorized sleigh that flies down so the Max reindeer at this point, is pointless here.

After some near death moments going down, the Grinch safely lands on the Lou Whos house.

Lou and Betty hear the noise on their roof, but they think it is Santa so they go right back to sleep. The Grinch then sees the chimney and goes down it as if he is preparing to an Olympic dive.

The Grinch immediately gets stuck and blasts the water weight going to his hips.

Max is still me not believing he is stuck in this film.

The Grinch goes down and hits the logs with some cartoon sound effects. As the narrator spoke, the Grinch broke the fourth wall and made the narrator whisper. This is the only time he will ever break the fourth wall this badly so it is rather pointless. The Grinch then decides to have the stockings be the first thing to go, but since this Grinch is too lazy to just take them down with a magnet, he has a jar of CGI moths get rid of them.

The Grinch continues his laziness by grabbing his vacuum and sucking most of the Christmas stuff.

That’s Ruining More Of The Stealth Than The Narration.

The Grinch then actually goes down and goes into the ice box to steal the food.

This Grinch Makes Even More Noise. He Must Really Suck At Stealth Games.

Cindy wakes up and as the Grinch is about to stuff up the tree, Cindy sees this.

Of course since Cindy has seen the Grinch, the Grinch can’t show his face so he must hide behind the tree to pretend to be Santa Claus.

Santa, What Green Hands You Have?

He lies about needing to fix the tree and says he will return it in a flash. Cindy then asks Santa what Christmas is all about, and the Grinch blows all cover to say “Vengeance”

!!!!!!

Grinch? Grinch??? GRINCH!!!!!

Now that I think about it, an actual Grinch stealth game might be a cool idea although this movie doesn’t understand that.

The Grinch then goes back to hiding behind the tree as this girl still does not get that this is actually the Grinch and says he guesses it is about presents, which Cindy is sad about as she wanted it to be about more. Cindy is about to leave when she asks “Santa” to give some presents to the Grinch as she believes there is some good in him. She then leaves and the Grinch stuffs up the tree. The Grinch then leaves and left the house bare, with crumbs too small for even a mouse.

Why He Takes The Mouse Or Why The Mouse Has What Seems Like A Wig On, I Do Not Know.

We then see the Grinch stealing more presents and of course, he makes obviously more noise that would wake any normal person, but not these Whos.

You’d Be Arrested By Now, Mr. Grinch

The Grinch even sucks up a cat in one house, but no animal abuse here as the Grinch lets the cat out.

The Grinch goes to Martha May’s house and steals her engagement ring, which is still in its case, meaning she has accepted late.

I Don’t Know What She Would Still Has A Thing For The Grinch Either

The Grinch then goes to Augustus’ house as he is having dreams about making out with Martha. The Grinch decides to give the mayor a kiss.

Yes, The Grinch Has Augustus Kiss Max’s Ass, Which Max Gets CGI Eyes Widened At.

Poor Max…This Is Animal Abuse

Oh And Augustus Has A Poop Eating Grin Over The Experience

The Grinch then hooks Augustus’ bed to a police car via a towing cable and then steals all his presents.

He Even Steals Sugarplums From A Girl’s Dream. That’s….Actually Clever. See People, I Will Give The Movie Props When It Is Deserved (Which Is Very Little)

The Grinch steals more presents, runs into that cat again, and basically makes more noise that would wake an entire town. The Grinch leaves with his sacks and laughs while doing it.

Again, Why Has No One Woken Up Yet To These Shenanigans. The Grinch Isn’t Even Being Stealth Anymore. He Is Basically Spotlighting That He Is Stealing Christmas.

The Grinch’s sled loses fuel and falls so the Grinch has Max drag the whole thing up the mountain.

Someone Call The SPCA!!!!

He gets up to the top of Mt. Crumpet.

Poor Max. Somewhere I Am Hearing Sarah McLachlan Singing. 

The Grinch celebrates as he says they will hear the Whos cry as no Christmas is coming.

Hold The Fuck On!!!!!

I’ve been trying to censor myself this whole induction with this film since this is a film meant for the whole family, but seeing that tree with all its ornaments on it. You see, when we talk about the Grinch stealing Christmas, the Grinch does not steal just presents, he basically cleans the town out of all the Christmas decorations. Well, that’s how it was in the book and the original cartoon. But in this film, because somebody was too lazy to bother caring, all of the outdoor decorations of Whoville are still there. Whoville in this version doesn’t look like Christmas was stolen, Whoville looks like they just had a really bad power outage. That is bullshit!!!

So now the Whos are sad because they have neither presents nor decorations indoors. The police officer realizing he got robbed goes into his police car, but of course since the car is attached to the mayor’s bed via a cable, the mayor’s bed with the mayor in it gets yanked out onto the streets as the cop car goes forward.

So after the police officer finally realizes he is dragging the mayor behind him, he stops. As all the Whos are gathered, the mayor publicly shames Cindy Lou Who as he says her invitation to the Grinch to be Cheer Meister (in his mind) has caused Christmas to be destroyed. However, Lou finally grows a backbone and stands up to Augustus and says he is glad the Grinch stole their presents, because he says you can’t hurt the true meaning of Christmas, which is about being with your family. He rebukes the mayor for talking disrespectfully towards his kid, especially since she was right. Other people realize that Lou is right and everyone says Merry Christmas to each other. As everyone is celebrating Christmas and the mayor goes back to his home, Cindy sneaks off and goes through the tunnel to tell the Grinch that he didn’t steal Christmas as the Grinch prepares to send his sleigh off the mountain’s edge when he suddenly starts hearing the Whos singing.

He starts to realize that without all those presents, the Whos are still celebrating Christmas and that “maybe Christmas doesn’t come from a store, maybe perhaps it means a little bit more”.

But now the Grinch falls back into schtick as his heart grows three sizes that day and he feels it.

Just End!!!!

The Grinch starts crying and realizing that he was wrong in trying to steal Christmas and the sun comes up.

This sun causes snow to melt and the sleigh starts moving closer to the edge. The Grinch is worried, but then calms himself that it is just presents so no harm. Yeah, this Grinch is not so noble. So what makes the Grinch decide to save the sleigh?

Oh, Cindy Lou Who Is On The Goddamn Sleigh…………Of Course!!!!

The Grinch asks what Cindy Lou is doing there and she says to be with him as no one should be alone on Christmas.

Oh Dear God…Somebody Call Chris Hansen.

After that shmaltzy moment, the Grinch saves the sleigh from falling because of course he does since that’s what happened in the book.

Because He Found The Strength Of Ten Grinches, Plus Two AKA The Grinch May Have Taken Steroids. 

Although If Jon Jones Is Any Indication, UFC And USADA Will Move An Entire Event For A Man Who May Sell Tickets Even If He Might Have Been Juicing. 

The Grinch puts the sleigh down and goes down the hill with Max and Cindy towards the townsfolk of Whoville.

They get there and the Grinch tells the cop to cuff him because as he proudly proclaims, “he was the Grinch that stole Christmas”

The Grinch also says he is sorry, but Augustus shows back up to tell the police officer to arrest him since he heard his confession. The cop says he did and he also heard the Grinch say he was sorry, which is all good in his mind. Augustus wants the people to help him out on this and even begs for Martha to do so. Martha shows up and says that she thought about Augustus’ proposal yesterday and she will have to decline as her heart belongs to someone else.

Yep…She Is In Love With The Grinch. Despite Having Seen Him Yesterday For The First Time Since They Were Kids, She Wants To Ride On The Grinch Train.

The Grinch dances and taunts Augustus over this, before then telling him not to feel too bad since it is Christmas. The Grinch fixes the lights to show that yeah, on the outside, he half-assed his attempt to steal Christmas.

Kiss My Ass, Film

Cindy Lou kisses the Grinch on the cheek and mentions that he is warm. Everyone starts singing the Fah-Who-Dores song, but this being Jim Carrey.

He Has To Butcher The Song By Changing The Lyrics When He Is Singing

They then trek all the way to Grinch’s place so they can have their feast and of course the Grinch gets to carve the roast beast.

And that’s the end of this trainwreck of a film. Thank Fucking God.

Of course this movie made a shit load of money, eventually becoming the highest grossing movie of 2000 and was the highest grossing Christmas movie since Home Alone. It also won an Oscar for Best Makeup as I have mentioned earlier. But let’s talk about the stuff that came out about the making of the film itself. One of the makeup designers Kazuhiro Tsuji had to check himself into therapy because Jim Carrey was such an asshole. Of course, Jim himself hated the makeup and found it so torturous that a CIA expert on dealing with torture was brought in to coach Jim Carrey on how to stay calm during the process of applying the makeup, which was said to take more than two hours to complete. And the yellow contacts for the Grinch’s eyes got so uncomfortable that Jim was able to wear them all the time as the Grinch so at times, the eyes has to colored in on post-production. The makeup wasn’t a picnic for other actors either as many of the cast went to classes with a choreographer so they could learn and be comfortable with the makeup. Heck, one actor (Jeremy Howard) shaved his eyebrows to save the makeup team time. And to think….originally Tim Burton was going to direct this film and the Grinch would have been a lot darker of a character. Considering how many of his recent films based on properties that aren’t his own work out, that might have been a good thing. This would also lead to more films based on Dr. Seuss books which mostly were terrible and the only one that was considered good afterwards…was the animated Horton Hears A Who film, which ironically has Jim Carrey star as Horton.

Now for the aftermath of actors and crew. Jim Carrey (who played the Grinch) continued to have a career, which got less big in the 2010s. Taylor Momsen (who played Cindy Lou Who) continued to act as well, but she stopped in 2012, when she found her true calling as a lead singer of a rock band called The Pretty Reckless. Jeffrey Tambor (who played Augustus) also continued acting, but he was a bit of a sexual harasser which ultimately came back to bite him on the ass in 2018 when the #MeToo movement began and he is now kind of a persona non grata with Hollywood. In fact, plenty of the actors went on to do other stuff. Ron Howard (the director) ended up winning 2 Oscars for A Beautiful Mind (Best Director & Best Picture) and he is still a sought after director. Ron’s daughter, Bryce Dallas Howard (who was in this movie somewhere) is also now a sought after actress in her own right. Jeremy Howard (not related to Ron at all and who played Drew Lou Who) went on to voice Donatello in the two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle films produced by Michael Bay. T.J. Thyne (who played Stu Lou Who) found his fame when he played Jack Hodgins in the TV series Bones. Jim Meskimen (who played the cop) became a very prolific voice actor who has lots of roles in video games and cartoons. Richard Steven Horvitz (who was the voice of Grinch’s answering machine) has gone on to voice such characters as Zim (Invader Zim), and Raz (Psychonauts).

But sadly, five people in this film are no longer with us. This would be the last film for Josh Evans Ryan (who played 8-year old Grinch) as he would die two years later at the age of 20 from complications from surgery (sadly, many people who have dwarfism suffer a great deal physically). This was also cinematographer Donald Peterman’s final film as injuries from 1998’s Mighty Joe Young remake would rear their ugly head while this was going on so it was hard for him to work on this film and by the end, much of his work was taken over by his son, who was the second unit cinematographer. Donald Peterman would live 11 more years before passing away at the age of 79 from myelodysplastic syndrome. Suzanne Krull (who was one of the shoppers) died in 2013 at the age of 47 from a ruptured aortic aneurysm. Rance Howard (Ron and Clint’s dad, Bryce Dallas’ grandfather, and who played the elderly clockkeeper) died in 2017 at the age of 89. And as you all know from an RIP blog I did in the past, Verne Troyer (who played a bandmember) took his own life via alcohol poisoning in 2018 at the age of 49.

So this Grinch movie…..well, saying I did not like is a complete understatement. In a film that had so much attempts to make a good film with the cast and crew as well as the sets, there is no excuse for this film to half-ass it as much as it did. Jim Carrey overacts the hell out of the Grinch that it is not funny and more cringe-inducing than anything else. The backstory was extremely lame and did more to hinder the character than create character growth. If this film did anything good, it made me appreciate the 60s animation special more, which is not a positive for this film. If you like it, fine….but if you are going to tell me this is better than the 60s cartoon, you are out of your goddamn mind.

And now to know who won the last Monster Crap Fantasy Football Bet and sadly, it is Porno Pete who wins again, meaning more porno films this summer. Porno Pete, you have anything to say?

Yeah…I’m Gonna Pass This Year.

Interesting…well, in that c…

I’m Passing Because I Sold My Win To Someone Else For A Handsome Amount So Instead Of Torturing You, I Am Going To Treat Myself To Some Fun In The Negaverse. Considering The Ladies Down There And The Cash I Have, It Will Be Well Worth It.

Negaver…oh dear god, you didn’t!!!!

Yes, He Did. I Am The Only Person Who’s Team Never Won The Damn Thing And Got A Real Summer To Torture You!!! Since That Guy Was Gonna Have His Fourth Round Of Fun If I Didn’t And Was Never Really Going To Have A Chance To Do It Again, I Made Porno Pete A More Than Generous Offer! So From May To Sep…

April to August this year actually.

What???

September will be my 200^th induction so I had to take that one. I was giving April as a sacrifice unless the GINO Award Winner doesn’t come out on DVD until really late March-early April.

And What Happens If It Does.

Well, since it is the last one, you’ll only get four inductions of fun.

What??!!!!

Sorry….

Whatever…the likelihood of that happening is astronomical. So I’ll deal with what I have. Regardless, I am going to be the one torturing you this summer and that’s all I have to say about that!!

Fine…Happy Holidays, Everyone

You Filthy Animals