Monster
Crap Inductee: Jennifer’s Body
It’s
Terrible…And Not The High School Quality Kind
2009
In
2007, there was a hit film called Juno.
With
a good cast like Ellen Page (now Elliot Page), Michael Cera, and J.K. Simmons,
good direction from Jason Reitman, and a great script from former stripper who
turned into a screenwriter in Diablo Cody, Juno would get great reviews and
several Academy Awards, including one for Diablo Cody for Best Original
Screenplay. And what would be next for her….well, it was revealed almost
immediately that she would be doing a horror film and that horror film would be
revealed to be named Jennifer’s Body.
Now
while director Jason Reitman would still produce the film, he unfortunately
would not be the director as that honor would be passed to Karyn Kasuma, whose
last film was….
Oh
No….
And
as for cast, we got our main lead in Megan Fox, who while having that
attractiveness to work for her role….her acting resume was definitely not good.
Seriously,
This Was Her Last Role. In The Worst Of The Transformers Movies I Have Seen And
That Is Saying Something.
Her
co-star would be Amanda Seyfried as the nerdy needy friend who since Amanda is
good at acting, I’m sure she can do.
She Is Pretty As Hell So The Make Up Team Would Definitely Need To Do A Heck Of
A Job
Adam
Brody is on this film and he had just gotten off the hit TV show The O.C. Amy
Sedaris was cast in this film and you might know her from Strangers With Candy
as well as so many cartoon stuff since she has voiced a lot of characters you
may have heard of. They also of course got J.K. Simmons since he was in Juno,
meaning you definitely better know people in stay alive in this movie making
business. They got Bill Fingerbaake in this movie who is a great voice actor
who most of you may know as…
Wait….I’m
In This Movie???
But
of course, there are some people who have been in past Monster Crap inductions
so let’s get them out of the way. Ryan Levine is in this film.
Juan
Riedinger was a morgue attendant (maybe the one that got killed) in the 2006
Black Christmas remake (the fact that I have to mention which remake still just
frustrates me to this day (can’t even say the terrible one as they both suck)).
He was also Scotty in Alien Vs. Predator Requiem (I don’t even remember who
that was and honestly, looking back at my induction of that film doesn’t help
me there either). Since this would be the third film he was involved in that
got inducted….one more to join that rare group who has been in four or more
inductions.
Kyle
Gallner is in this film and you might remember him from the Nightmare On Elm
Street remake from 2010 as he played Quentin.
Dan Joffre was in Halloween Resurrection as a character named Willie. Adrian Hough was also in Alien vs. Predator: Requiem as an ER Resident Doc and was Father Malone in that terrible The Fog remake
Ed
Anders was in Seed, Alone In The Dark, and Pumpkinhead: Blood Wings, which
means with this movie……he is in the four or more group.
And
a whole bunch of voice actors like Andrea Baker (who was in Final Fantasy: The
Spirits Within as Additional Voices), Cathy Cavadini (who was in Final Fantasy:
The Spirits Within & Jaws: The Revenge as Additional Voices), Lanei Chapman
(who was in Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within as Additional Voices), Vicki
Davis (who was in Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within as Additional Voices), Aaron
Fors (who was in How To Make A Monster as Kid #2), Barbara Iley (who was in
Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within & Jaws: The Revenge as Additional
Voices), Jeremy Maxwell (who had an uncredited role as Angry French Student in
The Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinke), David Michie (who was in Final
Fantasy: The Spirits Within as Additional Voices), and David Randolph (who was
in Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within as Additional Voices). But not all the
voice actors were people who were in previous inductions as one of the voice
actors in this film is Roger Craig Smith, who if you look him up, is probably
in a video game you have played.
Also,
if you look very closely in this film, you might see Lance Henrickson who has
an uncredited role as a passing motorist.
Now
finally after all that delay, I can finally get to watching and inducting a
movie, I have only honestly seen once before doing this. Also should mention
that we are doing the extended version so none of you can complain to me about
missing things while watching the theatrical version.
This
Was Done By 20th Century Fox So Yes, Disney Now Owns Jennifer’s Body….Uh,
That Sounds Wrong So I Should Just Say That Disney Owns The Movie. Yeah, That’s
Better.
We
begin in a women’s psych ward and prison where our main character Anita “Needy”
Lesnicki is in.
Oh
yeah, and the facility basically sucks as this tetherball falling off the pole
after a punch can show.
We
also are getting narration from this from Needy talking about how she gets a
lot of letters from people trying to get her to believe in religion to get
through this sentence she is in. Needy thinks all the physical exercise is the
authorities trying to wear the prisoners out and at lunch time, she is talked
to by a counselor who thinks she is not eating enough as she just ate one piece
of toast. Needy responds to this by kicking her a table and saying she needs to
“shut the fuck up”.
Needy
gets grabbed by the guards and thrown into solitary confinement.
Needy
says she wasn’t always this “cracked” and then she reveals that everything that
happened to her went down in a little town called Devil’s Kettle. She says the
name sounds twisted, but it is named that for a waterfall and a hole near the
waterfall that no one knows where it goes to.
Devil’s
Kettle Is Actually A Real Place In Minnesota And In 2009, No One Did Know Where
The Water In The Hole Went To. But In 2017, They Did Find Out That The Water
That Goes Into The Hole Goes Back To The Same River Through An Underground
Pathway. Unfortunately, What You Are Seeing…..Is Not Actually Devil’s Kettle
Falls.
This
Is Devil’s Kettle Falls
Anyway,
Needy was once a nerd with her best friend aka the hot girl named Jennifer Check.
Needy
says that people find it hard to believe that a hot girl like her would
associate with a dork like her, but Needy mentions they have been friends since
they were children in a sandbox. There is something called the designated ugly
fat friend, but we are not even going to get started on that crap.
And
of course there is this bitch who thinks they are gay (or “Lesbi-Gay” in her
words).
Yeah,
Some Of The Lingo In This Film Is Bad
The
next scene is Jennifer and Needy greeting each other in the locker room as
Monistat and Vagisil, two anti-itching creams you put on your vagina.
Oh,
You Know I Had To Do That. It Would Be Like If I Had A Conversation With My Best
Friend And I Called Him KY While He Called Me Astroglide. It’s Disgusting….
Needy
has a boyfriend named Chip Dove and Jennifer gets Needy to ditch her boyfriend
for the night so they can go to a club named Melody Lane and see an indie band
called Low Shoulder. Needy doesn’t want to do it, but Jennifer convinces her to
do it anyway. Jennifer tells Needy to wear something cute, which in Jennifer
speak means, “wear something that doesn’t make her look like a total zero, but
don’t upstage Jennifer as well”. Basically, you can expose your stomach, but
never your cleavage. And here is Chip, who is upset about getting ditched for
the night.
They
also talk about Jennifer having the hots for the lead singer named Nikolai Wolf.
They also make a mention that Jennifer would go out only with a drummer if they
were also the lead singer like Phil Collins. Of course, Needy doesn’t know who
Phil Collins is. Needy has some extra sense that let’s her know if Jennifer is
near or doing something and….no way this will lead to something la…of course it
will.
Jennifer
and Needy also each have a BFF necklace.
Again….Foreshadowing
After
more bad dialogue like saying someone is “Jello” meaning jealous and it’s “lime
green” meaning envy. We find out that Melody Lane is more like a Bingo Hall
with a bar that has a juke box and a toilet with stickers. We meet other people
like Craig (thinks he’s cute enough for Jennifer, but Jennifer says he is in
“retard math”), Ahmet from India (Jennifer wonders if he is circumcised as she
would “like to try sea cucumber”), and of course, Officer Roman Duda.
Why,
Yes….That Is Chris Pratt Way Before He Was In Parks & Rec.
And
we finally meet the band.
Nikolai
And The Lead Guitarist Named Dirk
Jennifer
thinks the band needs two groupies so she volunteers the two of them to do so
and they meet the band.
Jennifer
is star struck and she goes to get drinks for her and Nikolai and Needy
overhears Nikolai telling Dirk that Jennifer is obviously a virgin that they
need. Needy chastises them for this and then says that yes, Jennifer is a
virgin. Needy then tells Jennifer that the band thinks she is a virgin and we
find out Jennifer isn’t a virgin. In fact, Jennifer lost her back door
virginity about a month ago to Roman, which she mentions that she couldn’t to
flags the next day and instead sit on a bag of frozen peas as that hurts. If
you think I’m getting a little risqué with my language, that is stuff they
literally say.
The
band plays and their amps set the place on fire. How bad you ask???
So
Bad That The Band Great White Is Probably Had PTSD When They Saw This
Due
to Needy knowing a back way to safely get out of this place via a window in the
bathroom, Needy and Jennifer get out of the fire unscathed. Oh and also the
band got out unscathed and is doing nothing to help the people escape.
Makes
You Wonder If They Planned To Have Faulty Equipment That Would Set The Place On
Fire.
They
are more concerned with Jennifer coming with them for an afterparty and she
does, while Needy decides not to. We then get narration as Needy says she knew
something awful was going to happen once Jennifer got in that van. Okay, one
thing I thing this movie did not need was this narration as it interrupts stuff
to basically tell us things we already know. You should do narration in a book,
not really in a film unless you are reading a book.
Needy
goes home and immediately calls Chip about the situation. Needy talks about the
horrors of this fire and that Jennifer is with the band in a spooky van with
the windows blacked out. When asked what the make and model is, Needy says
this.
Needy:
I
don’t know, Chip….an ’89 rapist?
Of
course Chip doesn’t really care about Jennifer and is more upset about people
burning to death. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Needy answers the phone and no
one is there. Needy then says that she will call Chip later and goes back
inside. She hears noises and goes into the kitchen to find….
A
Bloody Jennifer
When
Needy asks what happened, all Jennifer can do is give her a creepy smile.
Still
Not As Creepy As Dakota Fanning, But It Definitely Works.
Jennifer
then goes to the fridge and eats a raw rotisserie chicken.
Yeah,
That’s Not Healthy
Jennifer
roars and then vomits black bile.
Yeah,
I Had A Friend Do That After Drinking A Pepsi. Freaking Nasty Stuff….
Okay….The
Bile Definitely Didn’t Do That.
Jennifer
then starts laughing as Needy tries to comfort her. Needy then tries to use her
cell, but Jennifer stops her and pins her to the wall….before running away. We
then cut to the smoldering remains of Melody Lane as someone found a body. But
let’s not linger on that and let’s cut to the next day.
We
are in science class and we hear some dumb rumors about Jennifer and Needy
having to fight their way out of there with a machete. They say Needy is
suffering PTSD and one of their dads came back from Operation Enduring Freedom
not being speaking to anyone for a full month. But instead Needy is actually
remembering when she and Jennifer were kids and how Needy always had to be the
ugly doll. Also, Jennifer accidentally getting pricked by a thumbtack and Needy
sucking the blood from her arm.
This
flashback gets interrupted as Jennifer shows up as if nothing happened and not
giving a shit about the fact that there was a fire that killed a lot of people
they knew. Needy narrates how she cleaned the floors so her parents wouldn’t
see the blood and puke which damn….
I
Could Not Have Done That
The
science teacher Mr. Wroblewski comes in and…
Hello
J.K. Simmons….One Question: What The Hell Is Up With That Wig
The
science teacher Mr. Wroblewski comes in and talks to the students about the
tragic event that happened yesterday. Apparently, 8 students of this school
including Ahmet from India, several parents, and the beloved Spanish teacher Senorita
Erickson all died. Wroblewski makes a passioned speech about we cant let this
fire win and Jennifer whispers to Needy that the fire already won. We then see
one of the students who was apparently friends with Craig named Jonas Kozelle
in tears over his friend’s death.
Mr.
Wroblewski offers Jonas a tissue and we also see that Mr. Wroblewski has a hook
for a hand.
Why
Mr. Wroblewski Has This Hook Is Never Explained.
Needy
walks in the halls and other people are crying too. Chip tells Needy that there
is no band practice today and Needy says that there is no anything today, which
considering that this was a horrible event that affected almost everyone at
this school in one way….seems understandable. Needy then talks about Jennifer
coming to her house looking horrible and now today she looks normal like
nothing happened. Chip thinks she should see a counselor since everyone is all
messed up so she might be overexaggerating things. We then meet Colin Gray, who
is one of the goth kids.
Hey
Quentin From That Nightmare On Elm Street Remake
Colin
tells her that he is glad she didn’t die after hearing she was there. Chip
wonders how Needy is friends with Colin and she says she just is as they are in
Creative Non-Fiction together. Outside, Jonas is looking over the field when
Jennifer comes over. Jennifer tells Jonas that she was there and was probably
the last person to talk to him. Jennifer lies and says that Craig told her that
he thought her and Jonas would make a “bangin’ couple”. Jennifer seduces Jonas
and takes him to the woods with the promise of sex as a way to mend their
“broken hearts”, as it is what Craig would have wanted.
They
start making out and for some reason, a bunch of animals show up to watch.
Either
The Forest Is Full Of Peeping Animals Or We Are About To Get One Insane
Bestiality Orgy.
Actually,
they are all here to watch Jonas get killed as Jennifer shows her demonic
mouth.
Would
Have Been A Cool Effect If They Didn’t Add The CGI Red Stuff
She
kills Jonas as he screams and Mr. Wroblewski hears it. He first thinks it is
someone letting out some emotions over the Melody Lane tragedy. Meanwhile,
Needy is cooking for her and her pet ferret named Spector.
Again….Just
There
On
the radio is the band Low Shoulder and apparently, eyewitnesses said the band
helped local people out of the fire, which we all know is BS. Low Shoulder lead
singer Nikolai gets interviewed and says the band is trying to keep cool with
what happened. They then get the town wrong by calling it Devil’s Lake, which
is actually a city in North Dakota. It’s also an interesting place as that lake
has no outlet so after every rainstorm, the water rises and in fact, 400 houses
starting in the 90s are no longer livable due to this.
Like
This House.
We
go back to Mr. Wroblewski as he decides to investigate since the yelling just
stopped and is horrified to find the body of Jonas.
Back
with Needy, we finally meet Needy’s mom.
Intentionally
Considering She Looks Like She Just Woke Up, Amy Sedaris Has Seen Better Days.
I Have Been There And It Is Called Bed Head For A Reason, Folks.
Ms.
Toni Lesnicki here had another one of her night terrors although since it is
now 4 pm, I guess you can call it a day terror. She dreamed that some bad
people were trying to nail Needy to a tree with hammers and “big stakes and
shit…..just like JC.” Needy says she can take care of herself and Toni says she
may say that now, but one day she is gonna cry out and mom won’t be there.
We
go back to the woods as Jonas body is being carried out and Jona’s mom is
screaming.
Officer
Warzak shows up and they will get the man who did this.
Jonas
dad says he will get him himself and then says this line.
Jona’s
Dad: You
Hear Me, You Bastard? I’ll Cut Off Your Nutsack And Nail It To My Door! Like One
Of Those Lion Door Knockers Rich Folks Got! That Will Be Your Balls!
Patrick,
Think Of The Children!!!!!
Meanwhile,
we see Jennifer swim nude through the lake. She of course was skinny dipping to
get the blood off her. Then she puts her clothes back on and walks away. Back
at Needy’s house, she gets a phone call from Jennifer. Jennifer says she is
feeling “scrumptious” while Needy is still down about the whole Melody Lane
fire. Jennifer then tells her to “Move On Dot Org”. Jennifer then says she is
having the best day since “Jesus invented the calendar”. Needy has to tell
Jennifer that Jesus didn’t invent the calendar and Jennifer doesn’t care. Needy
then gets another phone call from Chip, who tells her he needs to see her. He
also has to tell his sister to knock off the piano, who responds by telling him
that he is “penis cheese”.
Jesus
Christ, Movie….With Some Of This Dialogue
We
then see Jennifer turning her tongue with a lighter as she waits for Needy to
get done with her other call.
Needy
returns and tells Jennifer that she has to go. Jennifer then responds that she
is a god. She also says Chip is looking cuter lately and asks about his pubic
hair. Needy comes to Chip who is waiting on a bench and Chip tells her that
Jonas is dead. Needy thinks a fiery death trap and now a murder today cannot be
a coincidence, meaning something is going down in this town. Needy then says
something I will never say again because it is so fucking stupid and as someone
who has been called a certain word, it is insulting.
Needy:
It’s
Freak-Tarded
Not
even going to dignify that with anything else except one thing. If anyone says “come
on, it was a different time”, remember that you are retroactively giving this
movie praise while forgetting that retroactively, this movie has huge problems.
Chip
says that it can’t get any worse. The next few days, nothing happens. However,
everyone is numb at this point to really feel anything. Well, most people
except for Jennifer who feels great. The town also gets a lot of press as the
media loves its tragedies and people start singing that Low Shoulder song
“Through The Trees”. Well, actually…the song is sung by Ryan Levine (one of the
band members in the film) and his group No Country (later changed to Wildling).
Mr.
Wroblewski has an announcement about the band Low Shoulder decided to make the
song “Through The Trees” a benefit song for the community as 3% of the profits
from the song will go to help the families dealing with the tragedy in Devil’s
Kettle a month ago. Needy is upset at it being only 3% and gets into an
argument with Chasity (that girl from the beginning of the movie who called
Needy and Jennifer “Lesbi-Gay”), who is a fan of the band and talks about how
they saved people. Needy says she was there and they did nothing. Chasity’s
response is to say since it is now on Wikipedia, it must be true.
I’m
Remembering When She Was Anti-Abortion In Juno. Just As Dumb, Yes….But She Was
Less Annoying
Jennifer
isn’t looking too well and says she feels like “Booboo” (don’t get that at
all). Needy asks if she is PMSing and Jennifer says PMS isn’t real and is was
“invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we’re crazy”. Colin comes
by and asks Jennifer if she wants to see Rocky Horror Picture Show with him. Jennifer’s
response?
Jennifer:
I
don’t like boxing movies.
Stop.
Stop right there, Colin. This woman doesn’t know the difference between Rocky
and the Rocky Horror Picture Show. No amount of sex is worth being with this
woman another minute. Just get the hell out of there and never speak to her
again. She is just too stupid to bother with. There are a million other fish in
the sea who are smarter than this. Do this for your own sake and sanity.
Colin
starts doing what I suggested, but then because Needy thinks he is cool,
Jennifer decides that Colin can go on a date with her. But it won’t be at the
movies and will instead be her house as she has this movie called Aquamarine about
“this girl who is half sushi” and she guesses “she has sex through her blow
hole or something”.
*looks
up Aquamarine knowing it is a young adult film and knowing that wouldn’t happen
in a kids film*
Yep…that
doesn’t happen. Colin, I’m going to say this again. No amount of sex nor
quality of sex is worth spending another moment with this dumb woman. Say no
and just walk away. Please for the love of the All Loving, do not go down this
road. You will only end up with way fewer brain cells and considering Jennifer
is known to be not a virgin, you might get a disease of some kind. Do yourself
a favor and just run towards asking out someone else.
And
of course Colin is happy to hear that she has accepted his date proposal. Chip
shows up and asks Needy to come over to his place, which she says she would
like that.
We
go to the date between Chip and Needy and they have sex.
Meanwhile,
Colin is going to meet Jennifer while the radio is playing a terrible “I Can
See Clearly Now” cover by a band called Screeching Weasel. I know several punk
rock bands love them, but this song SUCKS!!!!
Johnny
Nash Would Be Ashamed
Jennifer
sends him to an abandoned house that is either under construction or being torn
down.
That’s
The Look Of A Guy Who Is Clearly Having Second Guesses And It Is Still Time
To…Ah, He Isn’t Gonna Listen To Me. He Is Not Seeing Clearly Now.
Jennifer
pops in to scare him for a bit Jennifer then starts ripping off his clothes and
talks about how they can play Mommy and Daddy. As Chip and Needy are still
having sex, Colin notices that Jennifer may not be normal.
He
backs away and accidentally cuts himself. Jennifer then talks about how emo
that is before breaking both his wrists. Jennifer says she needs him frightened
and kills him.
Freddy
Went Back To The Past To Kill Quentin
Suddenly,
Needy starts seeing blood and then sees a dead Jonas and Jennifer watching.
Don’t
Worry….Jennifer And Jonas Are Just Waiting For The Horny Owl To Show Up. The
Blood On The Ceiling, Um…Freddy Krueger Is Killing Someone Upstairs.
They
climax and….
Needy
screams and Chip stops. Chip wonders if he was too big and Needy is in such a
panic. Meanwhile, we see Jennifer drinking the blood from Colin’s dead body.
Needy
runs out of Chip’s house and into her car, driving away with Chip all confused.
Needy then sees Jennifer running away and barely avoids crashing. Jennifer then
jumps onto her car.
Alright….I’m
Going To Need You And Me To Exchange Insurance Information
Needy
drives away and then drives home. She enters her home yelling for mom and yeah,
her mom is off to freaking work. Needy cries on the couch as she goes back to
all the scenes with Jennifer being scary and the time she saw Jennifer in that
van. Needy goes to her room and is about to go to sleep when she is woken up by
Jennifer in her bed. Jennifer kisses her.
I
Guess I Should Mention Here That This Scene With The Two Is Loved By Both The
Actresses And They Call This Movie Their Favorite To Work On. I’m Not Sure How
They Would Feel If They Knew An Actual Sex Scene Was Written Here, But It Was Written
Out Early On And We Just Got This.
Needy
stops before it goes anywhere with Jennifer upset and then Jennifer explains
what happened when she went into the van with Low Shoulder. In the van, she was
creeped out and thinks they were going to rape her so she says she is a virgin
and that they should find someone who knows how to do it. When they parked
their car, Jennifer tried to run away, but they re-captured her, tied her up,
and gagged her.
They
then reveal that there are so many rock bands so they need to get ahead which
is why they made a deal with Satan to sacrifice a virgin so they can become
famous. They make some jokes about wearing her face before saying they won’t do
that and then kill her or as she says it “go all Benihana on her with that
knife”.
All
While Singing “867-5309/Jenny”
Jennifer
says she should be dead, but for some reason, she wasn’t killed. Anyway, the
band leaves and drops the knife into the hole to cover up their involvement.
I
gotta stop here because there is a certain glowing retrospective review of this
movie from Constance Grady of Vox.
What Jennifer’s
Body offers up in response to the trauma and tragedy of what happened
to Jennifer in the van is the cathartic fantasy of what happens next, of
Jennifer turning her trauma against her attackers, of her using her victimized,
violated body to wreak bloody vengeance on the patriarchy.
Seems like a fine review
and most of that is true. Just one…..tiny little problem. I’m going to go ahead
and spoil this because these whole inductions are kind of a spoilers and have
always been. But Jennifer here…never meets this rock band (he attackers) again.
In fact, there was a perfect chance for Jennifer to get her revenge on the rock
band later on, but Jennifer was doing something else. Oh, the band does get
their comeuppance, but it isn’t from Jennifer in any way.
Also,
they made a deal with the devil to become famous and on their end, they would
have to sacrifice a virgin. Well, they didn’t sacrifice a virgin, but still
become famous. I think you people have seen or heard enough media about deals
with the devil to know the devil is a stickler for specifics. It’s why when you
make a deal with the devil, it always goes bad in other ways because you
weren’t specific enough in his mind and he will screw you with that. What
should have happened here is: Jennifer should have woke up and killed the band
immediately and dump their freaking bodies into that hole or make them seem
like they died in the fire helping people. Because they can still be famous
after death (a lot of famous painters got famous that way), you could still
have them have fans and that song “Through The Trees” could still become huge. And
she could still have to kill people afterwards. Problem solved.
But
then again, I’m not the scriptwriter here.
Back
to the movie, Jennifer says she woke up and found her way back to Needy. While
initially Jennifer’s hunger was going to get Needy killed, Jennifer remembered
their friendship and ran off instead of kill her. But Jennifer was still so hungry
and then she ran into Ahmet from India, who had somehow made it out as well.
Ahmet
from India had not gotten home yet and no one knew he was still alive from the
fire so Jennifer killed and ate his ass instead. Then she put his body back and
made it seem like he died in the fire. Since then Jennifer knew that she had to
stay strong by killing and eating guys as when she is full, she is unkillable
she shows this but cutting herself deep with a pencil and then the wound
healing on its own.
Needy
then tells Jennifer to leave after Jennifer mentions how Chip may be having
second thoughts. Jennifer leaves out the window with Needy weirded out since
her room was on the second story of her house.
We
then go to Colin’s burial and his goth friends make a scene crying over him.
They end by saying Colin wouldn’t like them being emotional.
Colin’s
mom hates this and she calls them out.
Colin’s
Mom: You
think so? Yeah….you’re right. Pretty sure my son wouldn’t have liked
being…eaten by a fucking cannibal…and buried before his eighteenth birthday. Wow….you
must have known him so well.
Colin’s
Dad: Jill…
Colin’s
Mom: By
the time they found Colin in that God forsaken house, he looked like lasagna
with teeth. I’d know, I had to identify him by the remains. My boy…is not in
the realm of the undead. He is not flying around in the firmament of magical
wings of flame. He’s in an overpriced rosewood box that’s headed six feet
downtown. So you can take your pain…and you can shove it up your asses, kids. I
got the monopoly on pain.
She
cries and leaves and if you don’t remember this scene, I don’t blame you. I was
not shown in theaters and was in the extended cut. Seriously, a great scene
like this and they cut it. That’s dumbass editors for you.
Needy
narrates how they did a big memorial for Colin and how they got told about
buddy systems and curfews. Also, they got told how to deal with grief. But of
course, more people care about the big spring formal with the theme being that
Low Shoulder song Through The Trees. Needy then goes to the library and does
major research on the occult and figures out that Jennifer is now a succubus, a
beautiful demon needing to feed on the living to stay alive. She also sees that
demons are often weakest when they are hungry so they must be killed with a
blade to the heart.
Needy
reveals that since that encounter with Jennifer in her room, she hasn’t spoken
to Jennifer or anyone for that matter. Chip then comes by and mentions how he
bought their tickets to the Spring Formal. He asks if Needy made reservations
at the Cheesecake factory and Needy says she has not. She then tells Chip that
she doesn’t want Chip to go to the Spring Formal and then shows him all the
research she has done. She says that Jennifer is evil and not in the high
school kind of evil. She reveals that the guys in the band tried to sacrifice
Jennifer to Satan, but since she wasn’t a virgin, she came back as a succubus. She
says that the dance will be like an all you can eat buffet for her. Chip says
Needy needs help. Needy says she will be at the dance to keep an eye on
Jennifer, but she recommends he not come for his own health and well-being. She
then breaks up with him, saying it is not safe for them to be together right
now.
We
then get a montage of people setting up the Spring Formal and people getting
ready to be there. Needy is of course one of them.
In
Chip’s room, his mother gives him some pepper spray and mentions how they found
Colin. Chip says he has been using the bow flex, but his mom gives her the
pepper spray anyway. Chip lies and says he is meeting Needy at the dance and
gets dressed for it. More montage of Chip and Needy getting ready for the dance
before we see Jennifer getting ready, but then notices that she is losing hair,
which means she is getting hungry and weak again.
Needy
is there waiting for Jennifer to show up, but unfortunately for her….Jennifer
has other plans. You see, while Needy is waiting to stop Jennifer and listening
to freaking Low Shoulder (who make a surprise appearance)…
Remember
When I Said There Was A Perfect Chance Jennifer Could Have Gotten The Guys Who
Killed Her. This Was It….And It Could Have Set Up An Awesome Final Chase And
Battle At The Spring Formal, But That Didn’t Happen As Jennifer Was Elsewhere.
Elsewhere
as in Jennifer was stalking Chip, who was walking to the Formal alone at night.
She
tries to seduce Chip and tries to lie that Needy and the late Colin were having
sex behind Chip’s back. They kiss and Needy feels that as they had mentioned in
the film that Needy and Jennifer have a certain strange psychic feel when
something is happening with the other.
That….Can
Happen With Siblings. I Have Never Heard It Happening With Friends.
Anyway,
Needy leaves the Spring Formal and goes to Chip’s house looking for him. Chip’s
family says he went to the dance and Needy realizes what Jennifer’s plan is so
she runs to where she thinks Chip is. Unfortunately, Chip and Jennifer have
headed to the abandoned indoor pool that was near the park
I
Say Abandoned Because Look At The Place. Even If It Wasn’t In Season, Indoor
Public Pools Have Better Upkeep Than This.
Jennifer
tries to make out with Chip again, but Chip really loves Needy so Jennifer
stops playing around and pushes Chip into the disgusting pool.
She
attacks Chip and Chip’s screams alert Needy to where he is. Needy arrives at
the abandoned indoor public pool as Jennifer is biting down on Chip’s neck.
I’ll
Admit Some Of The Effects When There Is Not Stupid CGI Are Actually Pretty Cool
Needy
jumps in and gets Jennifer off Chip. Jennifer backs off and then tries again,
but Chip hands Needy the can of pepper spray, which Needy sprays on Jennifer.
Considering
That Jennifer Is A Demon, This Really Doesn’t Do Much But Just Halts Her For A
Minute.
Jennifer
responds by puking black goo on them and flying.
Somebody
Better Get Father Merrin Here, Quick!
We
then get some good and bad dialogue.
Chip: She is flying…
Needy:
She’s
just hovering. It’s not that impressive.
Jennifer:
God,
do you have to undermine everything that I do? You are such a player hater.
Needy:
And
you’re a jerk.
Jennifer:
Wow…nice
insult, Hannah Montana. You got any more harsh digs.
Needy:
You
know what, you were never a good friend. Even when we were little, you used to
steal my toys and poor lemonade on my bed.
Jennifer:
And
now I’m eating your boyfriend. See, at least I’m consistent.
Needy:
Why
do you need him? Huh? You can have anybody that you want, Jennifer? So…why
Chip? Is it just to tick me off, or is it just because you’re just really
insecure.
Jennifer:
I
am not insecure, Needy. God, that’s a joke. How could I ever be insecure? I was
the Snowflake Queen.
Needy:
Yeah…two
years ago when you were socially relevant.
Jennifer:
I
am still socially relevant.
Needy:
And
when you didn’t need laxatives to stay skinny.
Jennifer:
I
am going to eat your soul…and SHIT IT OUT, Lesnicky!
Needy:
I
thought you only murdered boys.
Jennifer:
I
go both ways.
Jennifer
is about to attack, but Chip impales her with one of those giant pool skimmers.
Chip
then falls over as Jennifer pulls out the pool skimmer and asks Needy is she
has a tampon. Needy says no and Jennifer says she thought she would ask as she
assumed Needy “might be plugging”. Jennifer then just walks away as Needy tends
to a dying Chip. Chip says he should have believed her and apologizes for not
doing so. Needy tries to call for help from a cell phone, but that phone has
been in the water so it does not work. Chip says some lame lines, the two say
they love each other and Chip dies from his neck wounds.
Needy
screams in anger and sadness that her boyfriend as died and then we cut to her
back in her room with her bloody dress. She looks at a picture of her and the
late Chip and then a photo of her and Jennifer. This makes Needy realize what
she needs to do. Needy gears up to kill Jennifer while she is still hungry and
weak. We then cut to Jennifer’s room while the TV is on and Jennifer is picking
out her next target from the yearbook. Jennifer turns off the TV and tries to
go to sleep, but gets woken up by Needy, who breaks into her window.
The
two fight and Jennifer bites Needy. Needy tries to stab Jennifer with a box
cutter and Jennifer has this line.
Jennifer:
Do
you buy all your weapons from Home Depot? God, you’re so butch.
Needy
then stabs in X onto Jennifer’s stomach and says she is crossing her off. More fighting
(this time with levitation) ensues and the big moment comes when Needy rips off
the BFF necklace from Jennifer’s neck.
Jennifer
is so shocked by this move that Jennifer falls back on her bed. Needy then uses
this moment to stab Jennifer in her heart with the box cutter.
To
emphasize how trashy this movie is, this is the last line before Jennifer dies.
Jennifer:
My
tit…
Needy:
No,
you’re heart…
And
just at this moment, Jennifer’s mom walks in. You can only imagine the horror
of walking in and seeing your daughter killed by her best friend.
And
this all leads to Needy back in the psych ward/prison solitary confinement
room. Needy narrates she doesn’t even know who Needy Lesnicki is anymore and that
she is a different person now. She also reveals that because of the bite
Jennifer gave her, she now has some of that demonic powers.
Oh
Kiss My Ass! That Shit Works On Werewolves And Zombies. Not On Demons And
Succubae!!!
Unless
We Are In The 1985 Italian Film And Its Sequel. But Even Then….You Are Undead
And Basically A Zombie So No, This Doesn’t Freaking Work.
Needy
escapes from that psych ward/prison and she finds out that near the prison is
where the stuff from the Devil’s Kettle hole comes out of.
Yeah,
I Think Someone Would Notice That Shit If That Was There.
She
then hitchhikes a ride and…
Hi
Lance…
She
says she is heading to Madison to see this rock band. The driver thinks she is
one of those fans and she mentions that it will be their last show, which he
thinks nothing of.
SUBTLE!!!!
During
the credits (with Hole’s “Violet” playing as the name Jennifer’s Body came from
a Hole song), we see home movies from the band Low Shoulder and ultimately they
get a door bell ring, which they think is food service. They are then killed.
We
then see crime scene photos from their murders and finally, security footage of
Needy leaving the scene as fans go to Low Shoulder’s room only to find their
murdered bodies.
And
with that, this movie is over.
Well,
as I’m sure many of you know, this movie did not do that well in the box office
and was initially trashed by critics. However, years later (thanks in part to
the #MeToo Movement and the whole
situation with Brett Kavanaugh, this movie has gotten a renewed love by some
people (who if that one Vox article is any indication, might have gotten it
confused for some reason with I Spit On Your Grave and Ms. .45) It also has
some love from some people who just see it as a fun film for nostalgia reasons
and considering some of the stuff I like, I am not going to fault them for
that.
Also,
the cast and crew really like this movie and think much of the initial failure
was due to poor marketing from people who made this seem like a sexual romp. To
that I say, I knew from the trailers exactly what this movie was going to be
and you are not The Iron Giant, where marketing was 100% wrong on your movie,
more of a 70% wrong. They did market it as Jennifer killing people, although failed
to market it as Jennifer was normal and then became a demon.
As
far as aftermath for the cast and crew, it was mixed. Megan Fox (who played
Jennifer) had another bomb around the same time with Jonah Hex where she was
godawful in and that basically killed any chance of her really being a
marketable name unless you are Michael Bay with the terrible Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtle films (yes, I know he didn’t direct, but he heavily produces
them). Amanda Seyfried (who played Needy) has had a kind of up and down career
where she has hits like Mamma Mia, Dear John, and Les Miserables; she also has
bombs like Scoob, Epic, and Ted 2. Adam Brody (who played Nikolai) is mostly
known now as Super Hero Freddy from Shazam. Amy Sedaris (who played Needy’s
mom) is still doing voice acting.
But
you all know Chris Pratt (who played Officer Roman) is the most successful of
this crew as he would later do Parks and Rec. and then become Star-Lord in
Guardians Of The Galaxy with his career now slowing down anytime soon.
J.K.
Simmons is a close second as he now has an Academy Award for Best Supporting
Actor from Whiplash and needs to be J. Jonah Jameson in any Spider-man film.
He
Has That Great Voice Down
But
what about Diablo Cody (the screenwriter much hyped who also had a cameo in
this film at Melody Lane), you may ask? Well, that hype was way gone after this
film. But it hasn’t been all terrible as she created the hit show The United
States of Tara that ran from 2009 to 2011, and she has worked twice with
Charlize Theron in Young Adult and Tully.
Time
for my final thoughts and you know that I think this film is trash. The
dialogue is really hit or miss, some of the CGI is bad, Megan Fox is again not
a good actress, some of the music is bad, and honestly, the way Needy gets out
of prison felt like a HUGE deux ex machina of “oh yeah, she has powers now”. But
I will say this for this film, the other effects are good and quite honestly, I
had fun ripping this movie a new one, which is surprisingly not always the
case. I guess you could kind of say coming into this movie, I’m like the bully
smiling while cracking his knuckles in that I’m going to enjoy the pounding I’m
giving.
So
let’s see what….
*Sigh*
What….
I
wanted you to be in pain reviewing that movie and you seemed to have a good
time. I hate that…
Well,
maybe you’ll get lucky next time.
I
doubt it because the audience chose your next film which is…
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