*Breathes*
2024 was a shit year for me. Not only did my dog have dental surgery because her front teeth were bad to the point they could not be saved, I had water piping issues (turns out the pipes under my house were made with the cheap shit), electricity issues (the wiring was all fucked up that the circuit breaker was hanging by a thread and those still arent 100% fixed), car repair issues because of a tiny crash (some asshole decided on a one lane road to try to pass me and she did it just as I was making a right turn), and DMV issues (they want to suspend my license because a medicine I have been on for more than a decade is now of concern to them and they think I have Parkinson's Disease (I do not)). Oh and let's not forget our country is going to completely fuck around and find out as we re-elected Donald Trump (the same guy behind the attempted January 6, 2021 coup (it was an attempted coup and I will hear no argument against that)) back to the White House. There were only good highlights to my year, and those were the fact that the hometown minor league baseball team the Fredericksburg Nationals won the Carolina league (I was at all three of those games) and somehow winning the title in the Fantasy Football League I am in. Good riddance to 2024.
And much like a shitty year, the movies this year were for the most part, bad. Let's just say it's an easier time to name the Top 25 Favorite Films of 2024 and hard to narrow down the 25 Worst Films of 2024. And plenty of mainstream stuff was complete dreck that if you thought 15 films in 2023 was a lot to nominate, well too bad because this year, I'm going to do a blackjack and nominate 21 films.
Blumhouse Begins Our List With A Film About A Killer AI That Was Directed By The Guy Who Directed Twilight Saga: New Moon. It's Freaking Ridiculous And Cliched. It Has The Temerity To Say Not Even Know How The AI Was Even Made (Saying It Was Made By The Data) And Has A Family In The Beginning Who Had Their Kids Taken Away From Them By The AI And Then They Magically Are Returned To Them.
Brazil Also Has Made A Nominee For GINO With A Film Where Basically The Only Way To Be A Sports Star Is To Have Bionic Enhancements. It Is Also A Tale Of Two Sisters Who Are Both Assholes Who Want To Be Famous And Will Go To Even Faking Their Own Car Crash To Be A Better Athlete Because Their Father Is A Horrible Sports Dad Who Basically Treats The Daughter Who Is The Bigger Star Better And Ignores Mostly The Other One. Also Has A Huge Negative Of Being Boring As Hell.
Video Game Adaptations Are In Now And Gearbox Decided To Put Their Popular Video Game Property Out There With This Movie That's Production Was Like The Tagline "Chaos Loves Company" As So Much Studio Meddling Was Going On In This Film That Even The Director Basically Quit Before The Film Was Finished. Even Borderlands Fans Say This Movie Is A Complete Betrayal Of The Franchise.
3 Years After The Success Of Ghostbusters: Afterlife (Which I Felt Was A Good Passing The Torch To A New Cast Of Characters), Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire Comes To To Make Us Say "Maybe It Wasn't A Good Idea To Continue With This Franchise" As We Get A Boring Film That May Have Killed The Ghostbusters Franchise Once Again Since This Film Did Bomb At The Box Office.
Zachary Levi May Blame The Fact That He Is Right Wing For His Decline In Film Roles, But He Should Blame The Quality And Success Of The Films He Is Actually In For Them. Harold And The Purple Crayon Does The Same Tired Ole Cliche Of "What If We Take A Character From An Imaginary World And Put Them In The Real World". Oh And Because We Are Lazy, The Characters (Even The Animals) Get Turned Into Adult Humans.
Imaginary
Easily The Worst Of 3 Films That Involved The Idea Of Imaginary Friends, Imaginary Has The Interesting Idea Of "What Would Happen If Your Imaginary Friends Were Actually Evil" And Completely Shits The Bed In Execution. It Is Boring For The Most Part Until An Insane Final 20 Minutes That Is Too Dumb To Even Justify Wasting Your Time.
Argentina Also Decided To Make A Terrible Film That While It Was Released There In 2022, It Finally Made It's US Release In 2024 And If You Think The Cover Looks Awesome, Prepare To Be Hugely Disappointed By The Actual Film Because The Monsters Are Just Background And Instead We Get A Guy Just Trying To Survive This Dark And Extremely Boring Apocalyptic World That Makes Very Little Sense.
Kraven The Hunter
Sony Released 3 Movies For Their Planned Sony Spider-Verse And Two Of The Three Were So Bad That Even Before The Release Of This Film, Sony Announced The Sony Spider-Verse Was Dead. Kraven The Hunter Was A Film That Was Delayed And Delayed And Then Finally Released To Crap. Conic Book Fans Would Tell You This Film Betrays The Character Of Kraven The Hunter And We Even Get Crappy Versions Of Rhino And Chameleon As Well.
Lisa Frankenstein
Witness The Return Of Diablo Cody As She Writes Another Film Involving A Monster That Tries To Again Bring In The Dated Dialogue That I Can't Stand For A Horror-Comedy. Lisa Develops A Relationship With A Reanimated Corpse And Hijinks That Mostly Are Groan Worthy Ensue. It Is Another Film Where All The Characters Are Unlikable, But Will Somehow Get People To Like It In A Few Years Like What Strangely Happened With Jennifer's Body (Which Is Still A Mystery To Me)
Hey, It's The Other Terrible Sony Spider-Verse Film That Was Released This Year And Somehow This Might Have Been Worse Than Kraven The Hunter. Watch As You Get A Movie From People Who Know This Movie Is Complete Crap With Pointless Side Characters, A Terrible Villain, And A Horrible Way To Get The Character We Barely Know From The Comic Books. But Hey, Let's Blame The Critics For How Terrible This Movie Is Because That Is What Sony Did.
In 2014, Bryce McGwire Made A Short Film Called Night Swim About A Killer Pool Who Sucks People Up. 10 Years Later, He Decides To Turn That Short Into A Full Feature Film, Get Funding From Blumhouse, And Star Kurt Russell....'s son Wyatt. The Result Is A Horribly Boring Films With Barely Any Blood And Barely Any Kills.
Because This Year So Much, We Need To Have Some Christmas Crap And Oh Boy....What A Mess We Get? The Rock And Chris Evans Star In A Christmas Film That Was A Mess Before Even Being Released As Dwayne Johnson Decided To Be Late Plenty Of Times To Filming And His Tardiness Caused The Film To Go From $50 million to $250 million. All That For A Film With No Christmas Spirit And Cheer That You Would Think Christmas Got Cancelled.
Hey, A Film About A Family Of Bigfoots And It Has Jesse Eisenberg And Riley Keough In It? That Sounds Like It Could Be Good. Unfortunately, It Is Actually Boring And Has So Much Humor That Intentionally Tries To Be Disgusting That You Would Think You Were Watching One Of Those Terrible "A Haunted House" Movies.
Forget About Killer Pools, How About A Cursed Deck Of Tarot Cards That Kills Anyone Foolish Enough To Play With Them. Terrible CGI, Terrible Performances, Way Too Dark Mooding, And An All Too Predictable Plot Makes For A Terrible Experience If You Are Unlucky Enough To Have Seen This Crap (Which I Was). And Of Course It Is A PG-13 Horror Movie Because Why Not?
2024 Was The Year That Saw Hollywood Piss All Over The Last Film Of Brandon Lee That He Sadly Died During Making, With This Lifeless Remake That Basically Says "Fuck Everything From The Crow Source Material. All You Need Is A Dead Couple, A Bird, And One Of Them Coming Back To Life To Avenge Their Deaths And We Can Call It The Crow." Thankfully, This Movie Didnt Even Make Half Of It's $50 Million Budget Back
Last Year, I Had The Dishonor Of Nominating An Exorcism Movie With Russell Crowe In It. Well, Somone Did Not Get The Hint That Was A Bad Idea Because We Have Another Exorcism Starring Russell Crowe And This One Is Not Even That Entertainingly Bad As The Pope's Exorcist Was. Russell Crowe, For The Love Of God, Don't Do Another Exorcism Film. Or At Least If You Are Going To Do It, At Least Be Fightin' Around The World Against Actual Satan.
This Year, Someone Decided We Needed To Dig Up The Long Rotting Corpse Of The Omen Franchise, Look At It, And Say, "Hey, Let's Make A Prequel". Myrcella Baratheon From Game Of Thrones Is A Nun Who Arrives At An Orphanage That Hides A Dark Conspiracy That Wants To Give Birth To The Son Of The Devil. Basically, You Get To Find Out All The Questions You Didnt Want To Know About How Damian Thorne Was Born.
Hollywood Tried Again To Make A Garfield Franchise And Like Before, They Failed. But This Time, It Is Animated, But On The Downside, We Have A Cat Who Is Nothing Like The Grump That Garfield Always Was In The Comics. It Really Does Feel Like They Only Wanted The Garfield IP When Making This Movie And Nothing Else.
One Of M. Night Shyamalan's Three Daughters Has Decided To Enter The Realm Of Directing Horror Movies And Much Like Her Father's Current Works, We Get A Confusing Mess. But Unlike Her Father's Works, This Film Is Somehow Boring As Dakota Fanning Gets Stuck In A Facility In The Woods With Other Humans That Is Basically There For The Entertainment Of The Shapeshifting Fairies That Live In The Forest And Will Eat You If You Try To Escape.
Jerry Seinfeld Decided He Wanted To Make A Whole Movie About A Joke He Made About The Making Of Pop Tarts And Not Only Was This Green Lighted, But It Was Even Given The Seal Of Approval From Kellogg's, The Makers Of Pop Tarts And Has An All-Star Cast. Unfortunately, What Was Shown On Screen Is A Complete Insult And Has One Joke That Actually Drove Me Into A Freaking Rage After Seeing It.
In 2023, A Winnie The Pooh Slasher Movie Was Made That Was So Bad That I Eventually Was Forced To Induct It Despite It Not Winning The GINO Award. Well, The Movie Made Enough Money To Warrant A Sequel And Joining Pooh And Piglet (Who Is Somehow Still Alive) This Time Is Owl And Tigger (Who Became Public Domain In 2024 Unlike The Rest Who Became Public Domain In 2023). Oh, And It Has A Bigger Budget Than The Original. It's Still Bad Though.
Polling Ends January 11 at 12 AM.
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