Monster Crap Inductee: Robo Vampire (1988)

Monster Crap Inductee: Robo Vampire

Welcome To Monster Crap, Godfrey Ho

1988

It has definitely been a long ass time for this to happen, but finally we will get to induct an insane Godfrey Ho film and on a month that has been extremely terrible (see posts before this one), I really need a bit of insanity to calm down the depression so to Bob, thank you for choosing this, even though I am sure you had no way of foreseeing why I would need something like this.

For those who don’t know, Godfrey Ho is a Hong Kong film director who is famous for using a cut-and-paste approach to editing his film which requires an older Hong Kong film that either was not released in the states or never finished and mesh that somehow with footage he himself directed, normally with an American actor so he could do well in the international market.

If You Ever Want A Hint Of What This Looks Like, There Is An Homage Parody Web Series Called Ninja The Mission Force That Is Even More Blatant With Its Cut And Paste Approach, But It Is Still Very Enjoyable

It was actually cheap and he is believed to have made 100 films, including 80 between 1980 and 1990. Oh and because the International cult market believed a Asian or European sounding name wouldn’t work internationally, they always had a boat load of pseudonyms for movies. Godfrey Ho retired in 2000 and is now a teacher at the Hong Kong Film Academy so yes, Godfrey Ho is still alive, folks.

YAY!!!!!

Sadly though there are no Monster Crap alumni as a lot of these Godfrey Ho films had people who rarely worked outside of the Hong Kong market (before Hong Kong was given back to China). In any case, let’s start with the movie.

We begin with soldiers telling an Asian guy to move as they have guns and they want the Asian guy to show them where the drug meetup is.

Yeah Bad News…..I Got A Bad DVD Of This Film And This BS Partial Widescreen Is The Best You Are Going To Get.

Unfortunately, they found corpses in boxes and those corpses become vampires.

I Should Probably Explain…

You see, unlike the European style vampires you are normally used to, vampires in China are basically hopping undead who will kill living people and shoot stuff out of their arms (sometimes it is their arms extending and sometimes it is fireworks). Needless to say if you were expecting a robotic vampire, you are gravely mistaken.

Needless To Say, These Two White Soldiers Are Completely Screwed And Are Dead

And With The Vampire Eating Flesh, We Get Our Opening Title Card

We then go to a drug shipment, but they are being followed and cornered by three more military guys.

Nice Try, Godfrey Ho…..But Everyone Knows You Are Not A Joe Livingstone

The bad guys get away and then we go to a secret meeting between the drug dealing head and the bad guys who just got away. Apparently the main military “Anti-Drug Agent” is named Tom and these bad guys need to find a way to deal with him.

Yes, This Bad Haircut Guy From The Earlier Scene Is Tom And This Guy Who Looks Like He Wants To Deal With Tom By Punching Him In The Face Is The Head Drug Guy.

These Two Goons Are Probably Wondering What The Hell Punching Tom Will Do To Stop Him.

The boss then says that he has employed a Taoist to train vampires to deal with him.

Goon #1: I Might Be High Right Now, But Did Our Boss Just Say He Is Going To Have Freaking Vampires Deal With Our Problem

Goon #2: Dude….I’m Glad You Aren’t The Only One Who Thinks They Are Totally Baked Because I Heard Vampires Too.

The boss tells the two to contact a guy named Yung and tell him to find a new way to smuggle the heroin and says he will send Tony and Ken to watch the Taoist and his vampires. We then go to our area where the vampires are and we meet Tony and Ken.

Ken Is The Guy In The Red And White Striped Shirt

They set everything up by hiding the heroin in the coffin, not realizing one of the vampires is changing form and waking up. Unfortunately they realize that when Ken gets his penis burnt for a second by a vampire with a lit cigarette.

The vampires then take a chicken from Tony and Ken and come out of their coffins wanting more than just chicken.

This Chicken Is Too Cold!!!

We get comedic BS action as Tony and Ken try to fight off the hopping vampires. Thankfully, the Taoist shows up to save these two bumbling morons from becoming vampire food.

Will You Two Knuckleheads Stop Screwing Around With My Drug Protecting Vampires?

More vampires awaken and the Taoist has to restrain them with his magic and martial artis. After that is dealt with, the Taoist looks at the heroin and reveals that it is really rice powder, which is why the vampires woke up so he tells Tony and Ken to tell the boss and the two will obviously be punished for this mix up.

In the morning, the head drug guy (named Cole) meets up with Yung and they are obviously from different movies.

Cole tells Yung that they are smuggling the drugs in bodies instead of just smuggling drugs because of issues with the Anti-Drug agents. In fact, we see that some people are planting heroin inside of a dead cow that they cut open.

We’re Lucky This Movie Was Made Then Because Now They Would Somehow Try To Make That Cattle Resurrect And Become Heroin Bull.

We go back to the Taoist and Tony as they start putting actual drugs in the caskets. Two more goons show up and the Taoist has the witness the incredible vampire work he has done. He has the two goons wear necklaces of garlic to protect them.

Goon #3: We Better Not Be Doing Any Of Your Weird Spaghetti Sauce Stuff

He then gives them sheets and says that while the Taoist can control the vampires so they don’t kill him, they cant control the vampires so they don’t kill them so in case they attack, put these paper sheets on their heads and that will freeze them in place.

Goon #4: These Better Not Be Grocery Lists

Taoist: Dammit….How Many Times Have I Told You My Pasta Fetish Time Is On Fridays!!!!

Suddenly, someone in an umbrella appears.

It is of course a ghost.

A Ghost Who If I Show Her From The Chest Down, I Will Be Using Black Boxes Just To Be Safe Because Her Blouse Is A Bit See-Through

She is upset because one of the vampires he used for his project is her lover’s corpse. You see, she and her lover were not allowed to be together by their families so they killed themselves to be together in the next life and now because of the Taoist here, the soul of her lover is cursed to be eternally undead. The Taoist tries to fight her and he definitely sees that he is going to need help as she can do martial arts too.

Or Weird Spectral Pushing

So the Taoist summons her lover who is now a vampire.

Somehow Her Lover Has Grown A Bit Of Fur As Well As Become A Vampire

He tries to fight her and she avoids him all the while trying to remind him of who they are. Eventually he remembers who she is and stops fighting.

Yeah, He Remembered The Tattoo.

The Taoist tries to regain control of the vampire, but the goons come in and actually talk some sense. They propose that the two are allowed to marry each other with the Taoist officiating and for them being together, the female ghost will also work with the bad guys to protect the drugs.

Wait….Random Goons Making Sensible Suggestions That Would Benefit Everyone? What The Hell Am I Watching?

Everything is agreed upon and the wedding happens with the female ghost joining the bad guys in their drug operation.

Back with our anti-drug agents, they are making a plan to have agents Sophie and Brown watch Yung’s operation closely. Tom (who has a better haircut) decides that he is going to try and arrest the bad guys. Tom and three others stop a vehicle carrying two new goons and the Taoist, and the three bad guys make a run for it. A shootout occurs and two drug agents get killed before Tom and the other agent kills the two goons, leaving only the Taoist left. But the Taoist is able to summon vampires and they basically slaughter the other agent.

Tom tries his best, but he is killed by the hairy vampire we saw get married.

Then you might remember the Robo part of this films title and that refers to Tom, who gets brought back to HQ and in a lab, is resurrected into a cyborg ala Robocop.

Better Title For This Film Would Have Been Robot Vs. Vampires

On training, the new cyborg destroys weapons and takes out guards posing as bad guys. He then gets a new gun and destroys several targets to show his prowess with guns. Meanwhile the bad guys find out that there must be moles in Yung’s operations so they need to look for them. So bad guys go to a church where a priest and his daughter are housed.

This Is Where We Get A Lot Of The B Film Which Is From The 1984 Thai Film Paa Lohgan.

They quickly deduce through the fact that they have drugs hiding that they are agents Brown and Sophie. Brown gets killed quickly and Sophie gets captured.

After being captured, Sophie gets beaten up and raped by one of the bad guys. Meanwhile, the good guys find out that Sophie got captured (as well as Brown being dead) and assign Chief Thompson to form a team to save Sophie.

Chief Thompson (Bottom Picture) Is Obviously From Paa Lohgan As Well.

One of the men Thompson hires is a man named Ray.

Thompson tells Ray to get Sophie before she talks or this whole operation is in deep kimchi. Ray says he will need 3 more men and a lot of ammunition. His price tag of course is $30,000. Back with Cole, they thankfully leave before our cyborg shows up to bust some drugs.

Meanwhile, more drug agents get killed by the Taoist’s vampires as they attempt to deliver drugs to the factory. But their attempt is impeded by the cyborg. The cyborg and the hairy vampire have a fight and everyone including the vampires run away with Hairy vampire running away too. Cole has his men open fire on some soldiers led by Ray trying to row towards where Sophie is being held. They are saved by some other guys as their shooting causes Cole’s men to retreat. We find out the new men are led by Andy (who Ray knows all too well).

We then see that Sophie is being subjected to Chinese Water Torture, a method where you are tied in a chair under a faucet and the faucet drips a drop of cold water every few seconds. If you are wondering how that is torture, well besides the change from nothing to cold water on your head, how would you like it if after every few seconds, I tap your head with my finger. After say 10-20 minutes (I might be overestimating you) of that continuing, you might go freaking mad.

Back with Ray and Andy, we find out that Andy knows the area and has a score to settle with Yung. They find one of the bad guys in an arm wrestling contest as he has a tattoo on his hand they recognize. A knife fight occurs between Ray and the bad guy, which Ray wins and captures the bad guy.

He demands to know where Sophie is and the bad guy, with a knife to his throat has Ray follow him. Of course, other bad guys start firing and unfortunately, there are a lot of villagers so innocent people get killed. Good news is more good guys show up and the bad guys have to retreat while the one captured bad guy is still captured. They demand to know where Sophie is and the bad guy admits he doesn’t know where Sophie is as Yung never told him. So Ray kicks him in the head.

Ray continues kicking his ass when a woman stops him, who we find out is Andy’s sister Wendy.

Andy comes in and asks Ray to give him 5 minutes with this bad guy. He asks the guy if the bad guys will believe he didn’t cooperate even if he doesn’t. Meanwhile Cole and a goon have to deal with the cyborg, but they have him trapped in a burning ring of fire.

He Got Trapped, Trapped, Trapped As The Flames Were Getting Higher

Cole and his goons think it is dead, but the cyborg hid in the sand and comes out just as new.

Nice Try, But It Didn’t Burn, Burn, Burn….This Ring Of Fire

More vampires are then summoned and we finally get our real Robot vs Vampires that this movie should have been called. Oh and these vampires just don’t hop.

These Vampires Also Do Backflips And Dropkicks

The vampires get beat up so Cole has his goons bring in a bazooka.

Hey Now…..Aren’t Those Supposed To Used To Kill Killer Grizzlies Like In Grizzly?

And it seems to work.

But the robot somehow gets saved and is repaired.

Fix It Up Again With Sparklers

Some more bad guys come to harass the village and meet two guys who aren’t taking their terrible treatment. They beat some bad guys up, but more bad guys show up and they run away from their gunfire. Ray, Andy, Wendy, and the captured bad guy who has now turned good named Bill save the two tough guys, who join the crew. They then find that villagers have been slaughtered for no reason and this makes our good guys mad.

Oh And Some Got Crucified Upside Down

They go further into the village and find a kid. Andy thinks he is working for the bad guys, but Wendy thinks he isn’t. Andy originally lets him go, but shoots the kid. Wendy thinks Andy was just cruel there, but stops when he sees the kid was working for the bad guys and tried to throw a grenade at them.

Bill reveals that Yung doesn’t give a damn about human life. Then we see Wendy in the nude swimming.

No Surprise That Ray Is Watching

Ray then decides that he is also going to swim in the nude. It seems Ray and Wendy like each other.

Well, That Was Quick.

We go back to the Taoist’s headquarters as he does more mystical stuff. Meanwhile, our ghost girl and the hairy vampire have some more playful antics.

Definite Black Boxing Here

Suddenly, the cyborg shows up.

Hey, If There Is Any Naughty Tomfoolery Going On Here, I’m Going To Be A Jerk And Stop It

In fact, the two ask the robot not to kill them until their love is consummated. The cyborg then remembers when it was Tom and he had his own wife who left him because he was in the anti-drug agency and she couldn’t stand it anymore. But they really weren’t serious and attack him.

The cyborg fights the two lovers, but they eventually repel it a bit and then…..consummate their love and leave?

I’m As Confused As You Are By This Development

Back near Yung’s compound, Ray and Wendy are running away from Cole and his goons. They try to escape via a lift over the river, but the bad guys have a bazooka so they have to jump out of the lift and into the water.

Bazookas Solve Everything

Ray and Wendy get to the other side of the river and think they are safe, but….

Nope…You Are Captives Of Yung

Now both Wendy and Ray are subjects of the dreaded Chinese Water Torture.

Drip Drip

A woman who was earlier putting drugs into a dead cow is not happy by the torture, but she is shooed away by a shirtless guard. Andy, Bill, and the two guys who I have no name for are looking at the compound and decide that they need to find a way to get in. That woman who was shooed away somehow snuck to the faucets and turned them off.

She Must Hate Chinese Water Torture

She climbs down and unties the two, but since a different shirtless guard is coming to watch, the woman goes back to hide and Ray and Wendy pretend to be still tied up. This shirtless guard realizes that the water is no longer dripping so he foolishly comes in instead of informing guards with guns to just shoot them where they stand and while this guard does put up a good fight against the three, it is still three on one and Wendy pokes his eyes out.

HEEL MOVE!!!!!

They run away as the guard is now blind while outside, Andy, Bill, and the two nameless guys take out some guards. One of them shoots a guy in the back, but that alerts the rest of the guards so our outside heroes are getting fired at.

Quick…..Hide Until The Warning Meter Goes Down

Maybe A Cardboard Box In Metal Gear Will Work

Luckily for them, the bad guys have terrible aim so the good guys get close enough to shoot a majority of them and blow up the rest with a grenade launcher. One of the two nameless guys wants to keep going while the other stop and he gets shot up by guys with another machine gun.

Curse My Impatience

The other nameless guy jumps to the other side while being able to avoid getting shot, sneaks up to the top of the building and drops a grenade at the machine guns guy.

Andy and Bill shoot more bad guys as the nameless guy has to throw an attacking guy off the roof.

Or His Dummy

Bill finds Ray and gives him a gun and more bad guys get shot up in this siege. Bill unfortunately gets killed, but Andy kills the guy who killed Bill. Somewhere, Sophie is dazingly walking around for some reason and the good guys get to her.

No Explanation For Any Of This

The guard who shooed the woman earlier ultimately gets kicked into a tub of hot tar by surviving nameless guy.

Oww…..

Our good guys round up the surviving bad guys and take the prisoner. But guy who fell in hot tar tub is still alive (and with no scars from the tar weirdly enough).

He Gets Shot In The Head

The good guys set up explosives and blow up the compound.

With the compound gone and Yung killed somehow, Cole is upset and tells the Taoist about it all. The Taoist is willing to help, but first they must get rid of the cyborg. Of course the cyborg immediately shows up and kills some random goons. The Taoist summons another vampire who attacks with fireworks and long arms. Another vampire appears after the first one starts having trouble so now it is two on one. One of the two vampires lures the cyborg into the city and there are a bit of jokes where the vampire kind of causes a dude to faint instead of kiss his girlfriend.

I'm Afraid I Will Not Be Allowing You To Kiss This Girl

The cyborg and vampire go to the bridge and the vampire takes some female hostages and then lets them go before hopping away. More vampires show up in an alley and this stuff is getting ridiculously padded.

Continue To Hop Around Him, It Will Definitely Work This Time

The cyborg continues to kick vampire ass and a few goons while the Taoist now has to deal with the returning female ghost. The Taoist wins after putting a mark on the ghost.

Not Showing The Female Ghost As Her Top Gets Ripped Off During The Fight

The Taoist summons more vampires to fight the cyborg, but the female ghost returns and scratches his eyes.

Eye Rakes Are Very Effective In This Film

The vampires get burned and destroyed without their master.

And That Is The End.

Not much is known about a lot of people in this film, but sadly there are one person who I know passed away. Sorapong Chatree (who played Ray (from Paa Longhan footage)) died last year at the age of 71 from lung cancer.

As far as the movie goes, it is one of the better known cut-paste films, but sadly Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai weren’t the only ones pulling this stuff as it has gone to the present with stuff like Grizzly 2, films by Charles Band on his Full Moon app, and even major studios like Marvel, Lucas Arts and Warner Bros. doing it for their comic book movies thanks to the power of A.I.

Now for my final thoughts on the film and let’s be frank, this film is not good and is completely nonsensical with the cut paste as we never know what happens to the bad guys like Yung and Cole. But in some way, that whole nonsense makes this film freaking insanely fun to watch and yes, I know this is a Robocop rip off (how could I freaking not know that).  Considering all the bad that has happened this month, doing something that is extremely easy to make fun of is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Sadly, I will not be able to say this about my next film.

I’m Afraid Ron Pearlman Isn’t Saving This One