Monster
Crap Inductee: Robo Vampire
Welcome
To Monster Crap, Godfrey Ho
1988
It
has definitely been a long ass time for this to happen, but finally we will get
to induct an insane Godfrey Ho film and on a month that has been extremely
terrible (see posts before this one), I really need a bit of insanity to calm
down the depression so to Bob, thank you for choosing this, even though I am
sure you had no way of foreseeing why I would need something like this.
For
those who don’t know, Godfrey Ho is a Hong Kong film director who is famous for
using a cut-and-paste approach to editing his film which requires an older Hong
Kong film that either was not released in the states or never finished and mesh
that somehow with footage he himself directed, normally with an American actor
so he could do well in the international market.
If
You Ever Want A Hint Of What This Looks Like, There Is An Homage Parody Web
Series Called Ninja The Mission Force That Is Even More Blatant With Its Cut
And Paste Approach, But It Is Still Very Enjoyable
It
was actually cheap and he is believed to have made 100 films, including 80
between 1980 and 1990. Oh and because the International cult market believed a
Asian or European sounding name wouldn’t work internationally, they always had
a boat load of pseudonyms for movies. Godfrey Ho retired in 2000 and is now a
teacher at the Hong Kong Film Academy so yes, Godfrey Ho is still alive, folks.
Sadly
though there are no Monster Crap alumni as a lot of these Godfrey Ho films had
people who rarely worked outside of the Hong Kong market (before Hong Kong was
given back to China). In any case, let’s start with the movie.
We
begin with soldiers telling an Asian guy to move as they have guns and they
want the Asian guy to show them where the drug meetup is.
Yeah
Bad News…..I Got A Bad DVD Of This Film And This BS Partial Widescreen Is The
Best You Are Going To Get.
Unfortunately,
they found corpses in boxes and those corpses become vampires.
I
Should Probably Explain…
You
see, unlike the European style vampires you are normally used to, vampires in
China are basically hopping undead who will kill living people and shoot stuff
out of their arms (sometimes it is their arms extending and sometimes it is
fireworks). Needless to say if you were expecting a robotic vampire, you are
gravely mistaken.
Needless
To Say, These Two White Soldiers Are Completely Screwed And Are Dead
And
With The Vampire Eating Flesh, We Get Our Opening Title Card
We
then go to a drug shipment, but they are being followed and cornered by three
more military guys.
Nice
Try, Godfrey Ho…..But Everyone Knows You Are Not A Joe Livingstone
The
bad guys get away and then we go to a secret meeting between the drug dealing
head and the bad guys who just got away. Apparently the main military
“Anti-Drug Agent” is named Tom and these bad guys need to find a way to deal
with him.
Yes,
This Bad Haircut Guy From The Earlier Scene Is Tom And This Guy Who
Looks Like He Wants To Deal With Tom By Punching Him In The Face Is The Head
Drug Guy.
These
Two Goons Are Probably Wondering What The Hell Punching Tom Will Do To Stop
Him.
The
boss then says that he has employed a Taoist to train vampires to deal with
him.
Goon
#1: I
Might Be High Right Now, But Did Our Boss Just Say He Is Going To Have Freaking
Vampires Deal With Our Problem
Goon
#2: Dude….I’m
Glad You Aren’t The Only One Who Thinks They Are Totally Baked Because I Heard
Vampires Too.
The
boss tells the two to contact a guy named Yung and tell him to find a new way
to smuggle the heroin and says he will send Tony and Ken to watch the Taoist
and his vampires. We then go to our area where the vampires are and we meet
Tony and Ken.
Ken
Is The Guy In The Red And White Striped Shirt
They
set everything up by hiding the heroin in the coffin, not realizing one of the
vampires is changing form and waking up. Unfortunately they realize that when
Ken gets his penis burnt for a second by a vampire with a lit cigarette.
The
vampires then take a chicken from Tony and Ken and come out of their coffins
wanting more than just chicken.
This
Chicken Is Too Cold!!!
We
get comedic BS action as Tony and Ken try to fight off the hopping vampires.
Thankfully, the Taoist shows up to save these two bumbling morons from becoming
vampire food.
Will
You Two Knuckleheads Stop Screwing Around With My Drug Protecting Vampires?
More
vampires awaken and the Taoist has to restrain them with his magic and martial
artis. After that is dealt with, the Taoist looks at the heroin and reveals
that it is really rice powder, which is why the vampires woke up so he tells
Tony and Ken to tell the boss and the two will obviously be punished for this
mix up.
In
the morning, the head drug guy (named Cole) meets up with Yung and they are
obviously from different movies.
Cole
tells Yung that they are smuggling the drugs in bodies instead of just
smuggling drugs because of issues with the Anti-Drug agents. In fact, we see
that some people are planting heroin inside of a dead cow that they cut open.
We’re
Lucky This Movie Was Made Then Because Now They Would Somehow Try To Make That
Cattle Resurrect And Become Heroin Bull.
We
go back to the Taoist and Tony as they start putting actual drugs in the
caskets. Two more goons show up and the Taoist has the witness the incredible
vampire work he has done. He has the two goons wear necklaces of garlic to
protect them.
Goon
#3: We
Better Not Be Doing Any Of Your Weird Spaghetti Sauce Stuff
He
then gives them sheets and says that while the Taoist can control the vampires
so they don’t kill him, they cant control the vampires so they don’t kill them
so in case they attack, put these paper sheets on their heads and that will
freeze them in place.
Goon
#4: These
Better Not Be Grocery Lists
Taoist:
Dammit….How
Many Times Have I Told You My Pasta Fetish Time Is On Fridays!!!!
Suddenly,
someone in an umbrella appears.
It
is of course a ghost.
A
Ghost Who If I Show Her From The Chest Down, I Will Be Using Black Boxes Just
To Be Safe Because Her Blouse Is A Bit See-Through
She
is upset because one of the vampires he used for his project is her lover’s
corpse. You see, she and her lover were not allowed to be together by their
families so they killed themselves to be together in the next life and now
because of the Taoist here, the soul of her lover is cursed to be eternally
undead. The Taoist tries to fight her and he definitely sees that he is going
to need help as she can do martial arts too.
Or
Weird Spectral Pushing
So
the Taoist summons her lover who is now a vampire.
Somehow
Her Lover Has Grown A Bit Of Fur As Well As Become A Vampire
He
tries to fight her and she avoids him all the while trying to remind him of who
they are. Eventually he remembers who she is and stops fighting.
Yeah,
He Remembered The Tattoo.
The
Taoist tries to regain control of the vampire, but the goons come in and
actually talk some sense. They propose that the two are allowed to marry each
other with the Taoist officiating and for them being together, the female ghost
will also work with the bad guys to protect the drugs.
Wait….Random
Goons Making Sensible Suggestions That Would Benefit Everyone? What The Hell Am
I Watching?
Everything
is agreed upon and the wedding happens with the female ghost joining the bad
guys in their drug operation.
Back
with our anti-drug agents, they are making a plan to have agents Sophie and
Brown watch Yung’s operation closely. Tom (who has a better haircut) decides
that he is going to try and arrest the bad guys. Tom and three others stop a
vehicle carrying two new goons and the Taoist, and the three bad guys make a
run for it. A shootout occurs and two drug agents get killed before Tom and the
other agent kills the two goons, leaving only the Taoist left. But the Taoist
is able to summon vampires and they basically slaughter the other agent.
Tom
tries his best, but he is killed by the hairy vampire we saw get married.
Then
you might remember the Robo part of this films title and that refers to Tom,
who gets brought back to HQ and in a lab, is resurrected into a cyborg ala Robocop.
Better
Title For This Film Would Have Been Robot Vs. Vampires
On
training, the new cyborg destroys weapons and takes out guards posing as bad
guys. He then gets a new gun and destroys several targets to show his prowess
with guns. Meanwhile the bad guys find out that there must be moles in Yung’s
operations so they need to look for them. So bad guys go to a church where a
priest and his daughter are housed.
This
Is Where We Get A Lot Of The B Film Which Is From The 1984 Thai Film Paa Lohgan.
They
quickly deduce through the fact that they have drugs hiding that they are
agents Brown and Sophie. Brown gets killed quickly and Sophie gets captured.
After
being captured, Sophie gets beaten up and raped by one of the bad guys.
Meanwhile, the good guys find out that Sophie got captured (as well as Brown
being dead) and assign Chief Thompson to form a team to save Sophie.
Chief
Thompson (Bottom Picture) Is Obviously From Paa Lohgan As Well.
One
of the men Thompson hires is a man named Ray.
Thompson
tells Ray to get Sophie before she talks or this whole operation is in deep
kimchi. Ray says he will need 3 more men and a lot of ammunition. His price tag
of course is $30,000. Back with Cole, they thankfully leave before our cyborg
shows up to bust some drugs.
Meanwhile,
more drug agents get killed by the Taoist’s vampires as they attempt to deliver
drugs to the factory. But their attempt is impeded by the cyborg. The cyborg
and the hairy vampire have a fight and everyone including the vampires run away
with Hairy vampire running away too. Cole has his men open fire on some
soldiers led by Ray trying to row towards where Sophie is being held. They are
saved by some other guys as their shooting causes Cole’s men to retreat. We
find out the new men are led by Andy (who Ray knows all too well).
We
then see that Sophie is being subjected to Chinese Water Torture, a method
where you are tied in a chair under a faucet and the faucet drips a drop of
cold water every few seconds. If you are wondering how that is torture, well
besides the change from nothing to cold water on your head, how would you like
it if after every few seconds, I tap your head with my finger. After say 10-20
minutes (I might be overestimating you) of that continuing, you might go
freaking mad.
Back
with Ray and Andy, we find out that Andy knows the area and has a score to
settle with Yung. They find one of the bad guys in an arm wrestling contest as
he has a tattoo on his hand they recognize. A knife fight occurs between Ray
and the bad guy, which Ray wins and captures the bad guy.
He
demands to know where Sophie is and the bad guy, with a knife to his throat has
Ray follow him. Of course, other bad guys start firing and unfortunately, there
are a lot of villagers so innocent people get killed. Good news is more good
guys show up and the bad guys have to retreat while the one captured bad guy is
still captured. They demand to know where Sophie is and the bad guy admits he
doesn’t know where Sophie is as Yung never told him. So Ray kicks him in the
head.
Ray
continues kicking his ass when a woman stops him, who we find out is Andy’s
sister Wendy.
Andy
comes in and asks Ray to give him 5 minutes with this bad guy. He asks the guy
if the bad guys will believe he didn’t cooperate even if he doesn’t. Meanwhile
Cole and a goon have to deal with the cyborg, but they have him trapped in a
burning ring of fire.
He
Got Trapped, Trapped, Trapped As The Flames Were Getting Higher
Cole
and his goons think it is dead, but the cyborg hid in the sand and comes out
just as new.
Nice
Try, But It Didn’t Burn, Burn, Burn….This Ring Of Fire
More
vampires are then summoned and we finally get our real Robot vs Vampires that
this movie should have been called. Oh and these vampires just don’t hop.
These
Vampires Also Do Backflips And Dropkicks
The
vampires get beat up so Cole has his goons bring in a bazooka.
Hey
Now…..Aren’t Those Supposed To Used To Kill Killer Grizzlies Like In Grizzly?
And
it seems to work.
But
the robot somehow gets saved and is repaired.
Fix
It Up Again With Sparklers
Some
more bad guys come to harass the village and meet two guys who aren’t taking
their terrible treatment. They beat some bad guys up, but more bad guys show up
and they run away from their gunfire. Ray, Andy, Wendy, and the captured bad
guy who has now turned good named Bill save the two tough guys, who join the
crew. They then find that villagers have been slaughtered for no reason and
this makes our good guys mad.
Oh
And Some Got Crucified Upside Down
They
go further into the village and find a kid. Andy thinks he is working for the
bad guys, but Wendy thinks he isn’t. Andy originally lets him go, but shoots
the kid. Wendy thinks Andy was just cruel there, but stops when he sees the kid
was working for the bad guys and tried to throw a grenade at them.
Bill
reveals that Yung doesn’t give a damn about human life. Then we see Wendy in
the nude swimming.
No
Surprise That Ray Is Watching
Ray
then decides that he is also going to swim in the nude. It seems Ray and Wendy
like each other.
We
go back to the Taoist’s headquarters as he does more mystical stuff. Meanwhile,
our ghost girl and the hairy vampire have some more playful antics.
Definite
Black Boxing Here
Suddenly,
the cyborg shows up.
Hey,
If There Is Any Naughty Tomfoolery Going On Here, I’m Going To Be A Jerk And
Stop It
In
fact, the two ask the robot not to kill them until their love is consummated.
The cyborg then remembers when it was Tom and he had his own wife who left him
because he was in the anti-drug agency and she couldn’t stand it anymore. But
they really weren’t serious and attack him.
The
cyborg fights the two lovers, but they eventually repel it a bit and
then…..consummate their love and leave?
I’m
As Confused As You Are By This Development
Back
near Yung’s compound, Ray and Wendy are running away from Cole and his goons.
They try to escape via a lift over the river, but the bad guys have a bazooka
so they have to jump out of the lift and into the water.
Bazookas
Solve Everything
Ray
and Wendy get to the other side of the river and think they are safe, but….
Nope…You
Are Captives Of Yung
Now
both Wendy and Ray are subjects of the dreaded Chinese Water Torture.
Drip
Drip
A
woman who was earlier putting drugs into a dead cow is not happy by the
torture, but she is shooed away by a shirtless guard. Andy, Bill, and the two
guys who I have no name for are looking at the compound and decide that they
need to find a way to get in. That woman who was shooed away somehow snuck to
the faucets and turned them off.
She Must Hate Chinese Water Torture
She
climbs down and unties the two, but since a different shirtless guard is coming
to watch, the woman goes back to hide and Ray and Wendy pretend to be still
tied up. This shirtless guard realizes that the water is no longer dripping so
he foolishly comes in instead of informing guards with guns to just shoot them
where they stand and while this guard does put up a good fight against the
three, it is still three on one and Wendy pokes his eyes out.
HEEL
MOVE!!!!!
They
run away as the guard is now blind while outside, Andy, Bill, and the two
nameless guys take out some guards. One of them shoots a guy in the back, but
that alerts the rest of the guards so our outside heroes are getting fired at.
Quick…..Hide
Until The Warning Meter Goes Down
Maybe
A Cardboard Box In Metal Gear Will Work
Luckily
for them, the bad guys have terrible aim so the good guys get close enough to
shoot a majority of them and blow up the rest with a grenade launcher. One of
the two nameless guys wants to keep going while the other stop and he gets shot
up by guys with another machine gun.
Curse
My Impatience
The
other nameless guy jumps to the other side while being able to avoid getting
shot, sneaks up to the top of the building and drops a grenade at the machine
guns guy.
Andy
and Bill shoot more bad guys as the nameless guy has to throw an attacking guy
off the roof.
Or
His Dummy
Bill
finds Ray and gives him a gun and more bad guys get shot up in this siege. Bill
unfortunately gets killed, but Andy kills the guy who killed Bill. Somewhere,
Sophie is dazingly walking around for some reason and the good guys get to her.
No
Explanation For Any Of This
The
guard who shooed the woman earlier ultimately gets kicked into a tub of hot tar
by surviving nameless guy.
Oww…..
Our
good guys round up the surviving bad guys and take the prisoner. But guy who
fell in hot tar tub is still alive (and with no scars from the tar weirdly
enough).
He
Gets Shot In The Head
The
good guys set up explosives and blow up the compound.
With
the compound gone and Yung killed somehow, Cole is upset and tells the Taoist
about it all. The Taoist is willing to help, but first they must get rid of the
cyborg. Of course the cyborg immediately shows up and kills some random goons.
The Taoist summons another vampire who attacks with fireworks and long arms.
Another vampire appears after the first one starts having trouble so now it is
two on one. One of the two vampires lures the cyborg into the city and there
are a bit of jokes where the vampire kind of causes a dude to faint instead of
kiss his girlfriend.
I'm Afraid I Will Not Be Allowing You To Kiss This Girl
The
cyborg and vampire go to the bridge and the vampire takes some female hostages
and then lets them go before hopping away. More vampires show up in an alley
and this stuff is getting ridiculously padded.
The
cyborg continues to kick vampire ass and a few goons while the Taoist now has
to deal with the returning female ghost. The Taoist wins after putting a mark
on the ghost.
Not
Showing The Female Ghost As Her Top Gets Ripped Off During The Fight
The
Taoist summons more vampires to fight the cyborg, but the female ghost returns
and scratches his eyes.
Eye
Rakes Are Very Effective In This Film
The
vampires get burned and destroyed without their master.
And
That Is The End.
Not
much is known about a lot of people in this film, but sadly there are one
person who I know passed away. Sorapong Chatree (who played Ray (from Paa Longhan
footage)) died last year at the age of 71 from lung cancer.
As
far as the movie goes, it is one of the better known cut-paste films, but sadly
Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai weren’t the only ones pulling this stuff as it has
gone to the present with stuff like Grizzly 2, films by Charles Band on his
Full Moon app, and even major studios like Marvel, Lucas Arts and Warner Bros.
doing it for their comic book movies thanks to the power of A.I.
Now
for my final thoughts on the film and let’s be frank, this film is not good and
is completely nonsensical with the cut paste as we never know what happens to
the bad guys like Yung and Cole. But in some way, that whole nonsense makes
this film freaking insanely fun to watch and yes, I know this is a Robocop rip
off (how could I freaking not know that).
Considering all the bad that has happened this month, doing something
that is extremely easy to make fun of is exactly what the doctor ordered.
Sadly,
I will not be able to say this about my next film.
I’m
Afraid Ron Pearlman Isn’t Saving This One
