Monster Crap Inductee - Transmorphers: Fall of Man (2009)

Monster Crap Inductee: Transmorphers – Fall Of Man

At Least Leigh Scott Isn’t Directing

2009

Years ago for my 51^st induction, I inducted my first foray into The Asylum with the Transformers mockbuster Transmorphers. With the 50^th induction being the godawful Zarkorr: The Invader, it didn’t help my first induction into Asylum was the godawful Transmorphers. If it wasn’t for the fact that I took time off at induction 49 for personal and computer issues happening all at once, you would think having two of the worst movies I’ve ever inducted be back to back mean I would take time off.

And of course, it didn’t help that it was directed by the egotistical Leigh Scott who said the only reason his movies had issues was because of Asylum screwing things up (which was bogus because his first movie after his Asylum deal was up was the terrible Flu Birds where the monsters weren’t really birds). Transmorphers also had an actress that wrote her own IMDB bio that wasn’t humble at all (since then someone else has written the bio so I think even she realized that writing your own bio wasn’t a good idea).

So now we go into the sequel that is actually a prequel in Transmorphers: Fall of Man, which was actually the first film that The Asylum put out on Blu-Ray. And unlike the first one that had no names in it, this one has Bruce Boxleitner (Tron in “Tron” & Captain James Sheridan in “Babylon 5”) and Jennifer Rubin (Taryn in “Nightmare On Elm Street 3” & Jessica Hansen in “Screamers”). We also have several people who were in previous inductions like Russ Kingston (who was in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus), Jay Beyers (who was also in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus), Dana DiMatteo (also was in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus), and Dean Kreyling (who was in you guessed it, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus).

And with all that out of the way, let’s get to Transmorphers: Fall of Man

We immediately start with our title.

Asylum Isn’t Wasting Any Time With This Film

We then get an sky-view of Los Angeles, which is funny as the film will be taking place outside of LA. We then get a narration about how the early attacks came to a surprise to us all. Well, all except for the political people in power as apparently they knew what we know now in that the machines were already here.

Then we go to a woman speeding on her cell phone and being a complete lunatic on the road.

This woman is talking on the phone with her boyfriend or soon to be ex-boyfriend as the call is not a good one with her yelling at him. She swerves all over the road and she makes it known she wants him out of her house when she gets home. She also threatens to burn his guitar if she sees it still there. As she’s being like this, she passes by a police officer in Hadley Ryan.

The woman on the phone sees the cop and is upset because she is going to get a ticket and blames the guy. Of course, we then hear from her that the other guy on the line is laughing, because of course he is….he isn’t the one driving while on her cell phone being a complete idiot. Look, cops normally don’t see you on your cell phone and go after you, you have to be doing some other crap before they pull you over like speeding or in this bitch’s case, swerving in between lanes like a drunk person. She gets off the phone and pulls over.

Of course, this cop makes it clear he was pulling her over for her use of cell phone, asking if she knows there is a new California law that outlaws driving while on your cell phone. She says she was going to get a Bluetooth as they speak. He says that she is probably on her way to Los Angeles as well, which she confirms. She then asks if this is a quota thing about giving her a ticket, which if you bring that up to most cops, they will see that as backtalking them and they will give you that ticket. But Hadley seems to be unreasonably nice to this crazy woman and just gives her a warning.

And as she leaves, she goes right on her goddamn cell phone as if she didn’t learn a thing.

Just Kill Her Off So We Can Be On Our Way

She then brags about how her pretty looks had her not get a ticket. But her phone transforms (sorry, transmorphs) into a spider bot and decides this lady needs to die.

Spider Bot, Spider Bot, Killing Assholes Everywhere

The spider bot gets on her car which causes her to swerve in shock and the spider bot shoots a laser right between her eyes, killing her.

At Edwards Air Force Base in Mojave, California

Or Just Some Factory They Had Available To Shoot

Stan Weston and Mary Jo talk about how there was another ping from SETI (Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence) so the aliens are again sending a message.

Stan asks if they can decipher it and Mary Jo says that they are on it, but it is not looking good that they are going to be able to get it. Stan tells her to find Dr. Jo Summers.

We then meet Dr. Jo Summers that night as she is going to a coffee place.

Coffee At Night

After talking about how terrible the metro is in LA, she looks at a paper and we find out that girl that was killed earlier was the daughter of a diplomat.

Well, Maybe If She Was Arrested, She Could Cry Diplomatic Immunity…Or Not. I Don’t Know How That Works. Also....That Typhoon Seems Really Bad. 

Not That Typhoon!

She leaves without taking back her credit card, despite the barista trying to yell about it.

We then go to the morgue in Bakersfield, California (the city where most of the film will be taking place).

I Don’t Believe That Is Actually The Kern County Morgue

We then meet Dr. Collins and Mayor Ethan Holt, who visit with Hadley to take a look at the body.

They basically reveal that it isn’t a gunshot wound as there is an entry wound is cauterized which doesn’t happen with a bullet. They reveal that they haven’t called her parents yet, which is pretty bad since the news is already out that she is dead. Yeah…you kind of want to tell the parents first that their kid died before they hear about it on the morning news, otherwise….you are really bad at your job.

We then meet Hadley’s niece Madison as she is getting off work.

She comes to her house as she sees a boy playing with a toy helicopter in her driveway. She enters her home and sees that her grandmother is watching static, thinking that it is thrilling television.

Not In Her Right Mind, Obviously

She calls for the satellite repairman and they send Jake Van Ryberg.

Two Things. One: That Is The Same Last Name Of The General From The First Film Who Is In A Lesbian Marriage To Our Protagonist’s Ex. Two: The Actor Playing This Guy Also Wrote The Screenplay To This Film.

The mayor tells Hadley at a stop that the girl’s death is in the papers, saying she was still alive and attacked….with witnesses. We also hear that there is a government person looking for him.

We go back to Jake, who arrives at Madison’s grandma’s place and we find out that Madison and Jake were an item and he never told her he returned from the Middle East, as he is ex-military.

Awkward….

After small greetings, Jake goes to check on the satellite.

That’s A Big Satellite. I Didn’t Know They Made Those Anymore For Home Use.

Anyway, the satellite starts making noise and then turns into a robot.

Jake then decides that he is going to shoot the damn thing.

We Don’t Take Too Kindly To Your Robot Kind Around These Parts

Jake then dives back into the house like a madman and onto Madison.

Yeah….Not Getting Points, Buddy

He tells her to get her grandmother and herself out of the house as there is some sort of attack going on. She of course calls the freaking police. Jake goes back outside, but the bot and satellite are gone.

Back at the police station, Jo tries to talk to Hadley about the situation and says she knows what might be going on, but Stan and Mary come by and make her come with them. Jo tells Hadley to get the phone of the girl before she leaves. Hadley then gets a call that her niece is in trouble.

We then see a guy in his car listening to rock music.

His GPS shoots a laser at him and kills him

The entire SUV basically dumps him out of the vehicle and drives on its way.

At a theater that isn’t open, Madison asks Jake why he has a gun. Jake tries to tell her not to worry about it, but Madison explains that of course she is going to worry about it as it is a freaking gun. Hadley shows up and Madison gives her uncle a huge hug. Hadley asks where the grandmother is and Madison easily explains that her Uncle Paul picked her up. Hadley sees Jake and says he wants the gun that Jake is holding, which Jake asks what for. Hadley plays along and says it would just make him feel more comfortable and Jake gives him the gun. Now, a cop seeing his niece with her ex and him having a gun that he now gave up, normally you would expect Jake to be in handcuffs, but that isn’t what happens.

Instead, Hadley just asks what is going on here. Madison explains that Jake came over to fix the TV, goes outside, and then runs in, screaming about robots while he has a gun. Jake says he doesn’t know what he saw, but somehow the satellite turned into some sort of “attack droid”. Madison then reveals that the satellite dish is gone. Hadley has this face.

Dear God…What Have I Signed On For?

Hadley then explains that he has to find a cell phone. Jake wonders what is going on and Hadley just tells the two to get in his cop car as they head towards the morgue. Back at Edwards Airforce Base in Mojave, California…

Yes, We Know This Place. You Told Us Last Time We Were Here The Location. Also, Yes…I Know Edwards Airforce Base And Bakersfield, California Are 90 Miles Apart Despite This Film Making It Seem Like They Are Right Next To Each Other. Do You Really Want Them To Show That Distance Through Driving? Moving On…

In the car, Summers explains to Weston that she found an anomaly during her usual looks at infrared wavelengths. Weston asks how we didn’t pick this wavelength out since we normally can pick up infrared signals from space. Summers thinks this one is different though because she thinks they got a hit.

While driving to the morgue, Hadley wonders why Jake never told anyone that he had come back a few months ago. Jake just is speechless and Hadley asks Madison if she knows, which she doesn’t. Hadley gets a call about another homicide so he heads there.

At the crime scene, Hadley asks if there were any witnesses and a young kid comes forward. The kid explains that there was no driver in the car and the car just dropped the body off and then drove away.

I’m Sure Someone In A Normal Film Would Easily Say This Is A Traumatized Kid. This Kid’s Acting Would Also Give That Idea.

Back in the car, Madison is wondering what is going on and Jake talks about how he was trained in UAVs (military drones in layman’s terms), Hadley says that they don’t want to jump to conclusions so he doesn’t want to say what is going on as he doesn’t really know. Madison says that at least Jake was doing something unlike Hadley and Hadley says that he is staying calm. Madison wants out of the vehicle and forces them to stop the car. Madison runs off and Hadley has Jake go after her.

Don’t Ask Me Why The Cop Told The Crazy Ex To Chase After His Own Niece, I Didn’t Write The Script. The Crazy Ex Wrote It.

While chasing Madison, Jake explains that he is sorry he didn’t call her when he came back. She stops and he explains that he was going through some shit and didn’t want to get her involved. Jake then wants to rephrase that and says he just didn’t want to see her. Really? You’re first excuse was better. Madison of course doesn’t care about all of that and just says something is going on and she doesn’t feel safe. Hadley drives up and tells them to just get into the car.

Not Sure If He Wants Them To Get Out Of His Dreams Though

At the morgue, Dr. Collins doesn’t know where the cell phone is as the feds came by looking for it two hours ago and they couldn’t find it. She then gives Hadley a hint that she hasn’t checked her office yet and leaves, but not before Hadley asks her out on a date, which she says she will think about. Then in her messy office, Hadley finds the phone.

She Either Needs A Bigger Office Or A Maid

Back in the car, Madison looks at the phone and Jake comments that it looks like an ordinary phone. Considering the last person who had that phone in the car, it is the best that Handley tells Madison to put the phone in the glove compartment. Hadley then gets a call about a potential hit and run from an SUV, but it doesn’t matter as that same SUV just happened to decide to rear end them. A car chase ensues that quickly ends with them cornering the SUV in a warehouse. Of course, that all changes when the bot that was a satellite earlier shows up.

Wow….Superhero Landing. You Know That’s Really Hard On Your Knees.

Jake tells Hadley to get in the car and Hadley does just that. They drive away and the chase continues although this time the SUV is chasing them. They get cornered finally and the SUV transforms.

It starts making a sound that bothers all three of our characters’ hearing. They realize after a few minutes that the robot wants the cell phone and they are about to give it to the robot, but a chopper comes in and shoots the robot.

The three get out of the car while the robot is down and find an SUV, but of course it definitely isn’t the one that was after them since that robot is down over there and this one has a driver in Mary Jo who tells them to get in.

We then find out through conversation that these robots are somehow trained to kill through a wavelength that makes computers go alive. Madison wonders if it is a terrorist attack or something and Mary Jo says it is something.

At Edwards Airforce Base, they all meet with Stan and Jo. Stan explains that the robots are assimilating through various computer technology, allying together to serve a common purpose, a purpose that Stan wants to know. Stan also explains that the cell phone is locked away in a safe that is made of stainless steel. Hadley asks where they came from and Stan says that they built them using technology from the 1947 Roswell crash. Stan says that thanks to the technology found in that crash, they were able to build all the technology we have although little did they know that they were building an army.

Madison wonders if they are saying that all of this is their fault for wanting technology and Jo explains that it goes way back then that with pyramids. Two weeks ago, at the same time the machines were attacking, Jo detected an infrared signal from outer space, which means aliens.

Jake realizes that he is here because he is an expert in controlling drones since that is what he did in the military. Mary Jo sends Stan something and they leave as they need to deal with this. Outside, Mary Jo explains that there are transformations happening all over the world. Meanwhile, the robot decides to escape because some dumbass decided to open the safe after hearing strange noise.

The noise reverberates all the way to where Hadley, Jake, and Madison are and they duck. Hadley wonders if it was just a sonic boom….

No, The Crappy Blue Hedgehog Is Not Showing Up

Nor Is Guile Practicing His Move Somewhere

Jo says that it is the robots attacking. And we immediately see a robot attacking the base.

All Your Base Is Going To Belong To Us, Mother Fucker

Lots of shooting and lots of explosions happens as Stan wants attack choppers in the air and people protecting the front gate. In the computer room, Jake comes up with the idea that they need a jamming signal to stop the robots from attacking. Jake reveals since he used to be stationed here, he knows they have wireless jammers in the control tower. Hadley and Jake head there. Madison says she is going with them and Hadley finally relents if she promises to stay in back of him. Stan is thinking the same thing, but unfortunately, he gets stomped by the robot before he can act.

Jake, Hadley, Madison, and Jo start to get locked and loaded. Mary Jo also gets killed.

Our four main characters all see the tower and Jo says that they need to cause a distraction. Hadley says he is going to cause the distraction by flying an attack chopper and killing the robot, as just like Jake, he also had a past in the military.

So Jake and Jo go to the tower to jam the signals while Hadley gets to the helicopter and Madison causes the distraction for him to get to that helicopter. Lots of running and CGI copter flying by Hadley happens. But tragically, it seems that Madison’s distraction wasn’t good enough as she gets blown up.

I would say that, but through bullshit reasons, Madison is still alive.

Yeah….That Is Complete Bollocks, Especially In Editing

Meanwhile, Hadley starts shooting at the robot, while calling him a “tin head”.

Aww….But I’m Iron. Your Metalcism Is Hurting My Feelings.

The robot is heading to the tower to send its signal. Hadley starts shooting at the robot to get it away from the tower, but the robot remembers his earlier insult and shoots the copter.

That’s For Calling Me Tin Head.

The chopper is damaged so Hadley is forced to make one last act. Go kamikaze and sacrifice himself and the copter to kill the robot.

Which Was Pointless Because Not Seconds Earlier, Jake Told Him The Signal Was Jammed And The Robot Was Inactive, But I Guess Bruce Boxleitner Was Desperate To Get Out Of This Film So There You Go. Bye, Tron.

Madison comes up to the tower and is upset that her uncle is dead. Madison takes Grandmother home and we see things still coming to Earth.

Madison and Jake drink beer at a bar, thinking about the late Hadley Ryan. They dance and that eventually leads them to going to Jake’s place and having sex.

So you’re probably thinking end of the movie and despite the lack of a Fall of Man, we saw that the things from space coming to Earth that would obviously lead to an eventual invasion. Unfortunately, this is an 85 minute movie and we are only at 54 minutes. Yeah, the wake up and the invasion has begun.

Or Michael Bay Is Shooting An Extremely Cheap Movie Not Far Off. 

Madison says that they stopped the invasion, but it is obvious they didn’t. Jake gets locked and loaded and the couple runs away. They meet up with Jo, who has them get in her truck.  Jo then reveals that we may have stopped the signal, they didn’t do it in time and all that jamming did was stop our military defenses from this attack. Then one of the robot starts flying and chasing them.

Jake is able to shoot down the robot, but he takes a laser to the shoulder.

Ouchies…

Jake tells Jo to drive this truck to the desert. Our main characters start to realize that the alien robots have won. They pull over, but get attacked and an explosion flips over the car.

You Might Be Expecting This To Be The Downer Ending. But We Still Have 26 More Minutes Left.

Instead, they are all still alive, but Jo can’t walk now do to something impaling her leg.

They are thankfully saved when a truck of two survivors comes by.

Led By Our Trusty Mayor

Jake makes her bite on part of her glasses as he removes the metal bit stuck to her leg. Jake immediately tourniquets the wound. The mayor takes them to an incomplete house where they are holed up for the time being with other survivors.

We find out that they are holed up here hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst as one of the survivors shows some dynamite. The mayor says this may be a suicide attack, but if they are going to die, they are going to die on their terms. We hear noises and the mayor reveals they don’t need to worry as the robots don’t come out this far.

As dusk approaches, everyone is fed by the mayor who is cooking beans. They still wonder why the aliens are here now and Jo guesses that they are hear for our resources. The mayor reveals he saw the aliens putting something in the water and Jake reveals they must act or the aliens are going to try and eradicate us with poison. Unfortunately, there was mention earlier that the mayor’s daughter has a pacemaker and she is here so we get to see that pacemaker burst out of her chest and become a robot.

This robot is immediately shot down by the same survivor who talked about dynamite earlier.

All The While Giving Us His Best “I Am Done With This Shit” Face

So they load up and head to a water source via a storm drain. The survivors notice they haven’t run into anyone of them yet and the survivor that shot the pacemaker bot says they must just be lucky.

He Gets Shot And Killed A Second Afterwards.

The group goes to try and hide in hopes of an attack, but someone else shows up and shoots the robot with a rocket launcher.

We find out that the guy who saved them is a military person whose the only member left of his team.

Funny, I Wouldn’t Have Pegged Him As A Military Man. What With Him Wearing NO UNIFORM!!!!!

He reveals that the robots are making a terraforming plant. They know this because the Russians captured one and tortured it until it revealed its memory code. Jake asks the logical question of how you torture a machine and the military guy says he doesn’t know how, but they did. He reveals that there were 9 terraforming stations and 3 of them have already been taken out. He also reveals that they are using a station to make more of their numbers so they decide to attack the station to dwindle their numbers.

As they move forward, another survivor is killed by another robot.

They fire at the robot which does the same stupid animation.

May Seem Like The Same Shot, But They Are Three Different Ones.

They finally are able to destroy it so they continue on. They finally get to the station which is obviously being guarded.

Robot 1: Hey Joe, How Big Was That Fish You Caught.

Robot 2: It Was This Big, Frank.

The military guy reveals that there was over 100 robots last time they attacked so many must be still looking for the other soldiers so the two left make this a perfect time to attack. Also shoot for the sternum plate as that seems to destroy them instantly. He also reveals that they already managed to blow up half the building and the other half is laced with C4 so this really shouldn’t be that hard, right?

Of Course The Plan Is Cause A Distraction And Hope The Bots Don’t Notice That It Is A Distraction.

But then again, a third robot shows up and stops the truck with the military man in it.

Robot 3: Joe And Frank, Did These Idiots Really Think We Only Left Two?

Robot 1 AKA Frank: I Guess They Did, Chuck

Robot 2 AKA Joe: Major Dumbasses

Then one of the bots looks at the truck. The military guy is about to fire on him, but his gun doesn’t have anymore ammo.

Robot 2 AKA Joe: It Is At This Point Where You Realize You Done Fucked Up

Robot 2 AKA Joe: Damn, Everyone Has To Be A Critic

The rest of the survivors are then found by another robot.

Robot 3 AKA Chuck: I May Not Superman, But I Too Can Leap Buildings In A Single Bound

As they run, our mayor is sadly shot.

Now They Mayor Can Go Up To Heaven Where His Daughter And Say That He Too….Died Via A Wound To The Heart.

Madison then kills the mayor murdering bot.

Chuck….NO!!!!!!

Jake sets the timer for 10 seconds and sends the others to leave before starting the countdown.

Jake starts to leave, but finds out the robots replaced Chuck quickly.

Robot 1 AKA Frank: There Is The Boyfriend Of The Woman Who Killed Chuck, Mitch!

Robot 4: You Bastard, I Was Gonna Marry That Bot

Robot 2 AKA Joe: I Killed The Military Guy, One Of You Two Can Take Care Of This Asshole.

Robot 1 AKA Frank: He’s All Yours, Mitch

Robot 4 AKA Mitch: It Will Be My Pleasure

The explosion then happens and all the robots are dead.

All the robots are dead, but somehow…..Jake is still alive.

Oh Come On!!!!!

Of course they embrace.

A narration reveals that they destroying the terraforming created a toxic cloud (which the first movie said they created) that caused people to have to go underground for survival. So yes, all of the action in this movie didn’t matter one iota and we lost. Kinda makes you feel like this whole movie was extremely pointless as every action taken is rather pointless as we’re still fucked, but fucked in a different way. The narration reveals that it is Jake speaking and he hopes other survivors are listening so they can join him in eventually taking the planet back. And it would be saved years later not by the descendant of Jake (although she is in the first film), but some rando named Mitchell who gets revealed to be a cyborg a doctor made.

So as far as aftermath of this film, very little happened. Bruce Boxleitner would get to return as Tron in Tron: Legacy and sadly that film bombed. Now this isnt a aftermath per say, but I did find out an extra for this film is voice actor Adam Conlon who did English dubs for Elfen Lied and Princess Tutu, which should make some anime fans interested in finding him in the film.

Now for my final thoughts of this film and they are complicated. While this film is better than the first film, it isn’t by much. The lines of dialogue in here are terrible, the acting isn’t that good to save the terrible lines, the effects are bad, and most importantly, this was extremely unnecessary as nothing really mattered and every success always came with they still failed, but in a different way.

Now before we get to the next induction, I do have an announcement to make, The Monster Crap Fantasy Football Bet will be a bit different (I hope). Instead of the winner being one of my characters for next summer, I’m going to allow one of you fans to decide what I induct next summer. All you need to do is donate me a film from my Monster Crap wishlist and you will be entered into a team that will have their fate determine if you get to choose my summer Monster Crap line-up. Here is the link.

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/2YZN221CIGR6L/ref=nav_wishlist_lists_2?_encoding=UTF8&type=wishlist

Now unfortunately, only one person has sent me a donation so far so unless you want to make this whole thing pointless and give him the decision for the summer, you will need to donate to enter. I will explain more if I get more people on this.

Now where is NegaSeth with the next film because I’m in a good mood.

Oh, I'm Sure You Are....

Yep…as many people know, my Toronto Raptors won the NBA Finals and despite my worry, my grandfather has not passed away yet. Also, I know damn well a film you wanted me to induct last is too expensive for me to have around so you NegaSeth, are going to have to find another choice.

I Am Perfectly Aware Of That Bullshit. But Don’t You Worry, I Believe I Have Found A Suitable Replacement For You. Instead, You Should Be More Concerned About The Next Film I Have For You, Which Is A Sequel To A Remake You Hated. I Give You….

Congratulations Toronto Raptors

I never thought this day would come for them. As a Toronto Raptors fan since they first arrived to the league, I always thought through one way or another, this title would always allude them. And for a while, I had good reason as for the last 3 seasons, they would make the playoffs only to eventually get eliminated by Lebron James. Heck, even when Lebron went to the Western Conference and we got the trade for Kawhi Leonard for a one year rental, I only thought the best we could do was get to the finals because whoever won the Western Conference (mostly Golden State) would cream us in the NBA Finals. So how did we get here, I guess we have to start at the beginning.

I became a sports fan around the winter of 1993 and for the first few years, my favorite team was whatever team Charles Barkley was on (who was my favorite player of all time).


Charles Barkley Still Gets To Be Great...But Now As A Basketball Analyst For TNT.

And in 1993...I got to experience him in the Finals. Too bad his team was then beaten in Michael Jordan and the Bulls.

Nothing Still Gets Me More Pumped To Watch Some Basketball. Oh How I Miss The NBA No Longer Using That Theme. 

Anyway, around 1995, the Toronto Raptors were one of two new expansion teams for the NBA to invade Canada (Toronto only remains since the Vancouver Grizzlies moved to Memphis in 2001) and immediately with the purple jerseys (that they no longer have sadly) and the nickname, I fell immediately in love with this franchise and decided this would be my new favorite NBA team (and unlike my brother who changes teams he roots a lot until recently), I made sure that something majorly sour would have to happen to change my rooting interests. And despite the first season being terrible like most expansion teams first year, we had one good thing going in that in our first season, we were one of the few teams to beat that Chicago Bulls team that went 72-10 that season. 

So for a long time since then, while we had great players at times like Damon Stoudamire, Vince Carter (whose Slam Dunk Contest victory was still an all-time great moment for me), Tracy McGrady, and Chris Bosh, we would always have the issue that eventually these players wanted to go elsewhere, getting to a point that some considered being sent to Toronto as some sort of Siberia or for older players, some place they can go to try to stay relevant. So it was pretty hard to be a Raptors fan and have a favorite player when the best players wanted out. 

Vince Carter, You Broke My Heart When You Forced The Team To Trade You To The Nets For Basically Nothing, But I've Long Since Forgiven You. 

Enter Masai Ujiri, an unknown commodity who was given the GM position after Brian Collangelo decided that he also wanted to go elsewhere to Philadelphia. Of course one of his first trades was to send a guy I kinda liked in Rudy Gay to Sacramento, which looked like the same old, same old. Little did I know that trades like that and the trade of first overall pick Andrea Bargnani were all part of the pieces needed to surround the team with underappreciated players who their own teams thought were expendable, but Toronto knew in the right situation....would be great. Pieces like DeMar DeRozan, Kyle Lowery, Fred Van Vleet, Pascal Siakam, and plenty of others were acquired here with some great trades and draft picks. 

Unfortunately, like all of the teams that I support for one reason or another that become either terrible teams or perennial choke artists, the Raptors became the latter where we were almost always considered a dark horse in the conference, but would almost always choke in spectacular fashion. Heck, the last three years like I mentioned earlier, we were beaten by Lebron James' Cavs (the last two via series sweeps in the second round), much to the point that Lebron James sycophants started calling us Lebronto. It was a cruel remark and what made it worse is we really didn't have any rebuttal for it. 

But this year would be different, we would go for it all. First, we had to fire the man who would end up Coach of the Year a few days afterwards in Dwayne Casey since we did have a great regular season. Then, we had to make a rental deal when we gave up plenty of good pieces (although in hindsight, it was a trade we obviously won) including the Raptors all time leading scorer in DeMar DeRozan (a move I am sad happened, but it sadly made sense) for a one year rental in Kawhi Leonard, who had been exiled from the Spurs because the Spurs (and fans like Skip Bayless) wrongly thought he quit on the team instead of playing for the team in the playoffs before he was ready to come back. This was a huge gamble and one that could have easily blown up in all our faces. 

So in a Lebron-less East, Boston and us were the early favorites. But of course, teams like Philadelphia and MILWAUKEE??? showed up to shock the standings. We at best could only get the two seed in the East (despite having the second best record in all the NBA) and we only got as a good late season acquisition in Marc Gasol. The first series we fought the Orlando Magic and much like we almost always do, we lost the first game. However, we won the next four and beat them. 

Then we had to face a Philadelphia 76ers squad (have I ever mentioned how I hate the egotistical and rather dangerous Philadelphia fanbase before because I most certainly do) with Joel Embid, Ben Simmons, and the their in-season acquisition in Jimmy Butler. Despite my hatred for many things Philadelphia, the 76ers took us to the limit and ended up being our toughest series, requiring all seven games and requiring the luckiest of three pointers from Kawhi Leonard at the buzzer to avoid overtime and beat the Sixers. 

Then we played the Milwaukee Bucks, who were better than us in the regular season and were pretty much picked by everyone to beat us (including sadly, myself). In the first two games, Milwaukee at their home lived up to the hype and beat us to the point where people were worried we would go down in a sweep. Thankfully, those were taken care of rather quickly as we then won the next two games in our home. But then in Game 5, we had to go back to Milwaukee and almost everyone including myself was dreading it. Heck, I didn't even watch the game and instead focused on finishing the Monster Crap induction of Twilight: Eclipse. After that induction was all ready to be posted, I checked the score and much to my surprise, the Toronto Raptors won. After that pure shock, we played Game 6 in Toronto and despite at one point being down 15 in the third quarter (a time I will also admit I thought we were cooked), we came back and won Game 6 and finally beat the Bucks to reach our first NBA Finals, a feat I would reward the team by spending money to get a custom Raptors jersey with my last name and the number 19 to celebrate the year. 

Finally, we had to go up against the team we all dreaded in the Golden State Warriors. While we had our struggles against the Bucks in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Warriors....basically spanked the Portland Trail Blazers and swept them. They were also without Kevin Durant and DeMarcus Cousins when they beat Portland. Everything seemed to show we were probably dead on arrival and as a YouTube shitposter UrinatingTree would say, the NBA was obviously fucked. Thankfully, because we had a better record, we would have the home court advantage. So in Game 1, it was a great shock to everyone that we beat Golden State even with DeMarcus Cousins coming off the bench. That excitement would be short-lived as despite a great first half, the Warriors showed up in the third quarter and beat us in Game 2. So now we had to go to Oracle Arena (in its last year before the Warriors move to a new stadium) for Game 3 & 4. In Game 3, consequences of Game 2 would surface for the Warriors as Klay Thompson and Kevon Looney were unable to play (along with the still injured Kevin Durant) so we definitely had to win this game. We thankfully did, despite a great game by Steph Curry. It of course, all that criticism of us having trash talking Drake as a courtside fan, the Warriors had a courtside asshole of their own who decided to one up us in that department, by shoving Kyle Lowery during the game (oh and that asshole happened to be a part-owner of the team). Then we had to play Game 4 and while I was in the stages of moving Monster Crap HQ to a temporary apartment owned by my mom, the Raptors shocked the world by beating Golden State, who had both Thompson and Looney back in the game. 

So yes, we beat Golden State twice in their arena and were coming back to Toronto with a chance to win it all. So the move to the apartment happens, I get my jersey at the last day, despite all the stress, I was hoping for it to lower with a Toronto win. Unfortunately for me, Kevin Durant was returning and through the first half, was lights out. BUT in the second quarter, Kevin Durant tore his Achilles in a while trying to make a move and was not going to return (apologies for our asshole fans who for some reason decided to cheer that a human being got injured). This would show that KD came back before he was ready because of whispers of him not being a leader if he refused to come back when the team needed him the most (sounds familiar to one Kawhi Leonard, huh, Skip Bayless). Despite this tragic circumstance seeming to be the perfect time for Toronto to step on the throat and finish off the Warriors, we blew it and they ended up beating us so we would have to go back to Golden State. The amount of cursing that came out of my mouth was un-fucking-believable. 

So in the days after, I would have to go back to the old place to get the last stuff out of there and the stress of that and the Raptors perhaps choking again, was made even worse by the next bit of news. My grandfather (who was battling bone cancer and had just broken his other hip) was on his last days of being alive so my mom had to leave to say her good-byes. I'm sure at some point, there will be an RIP on this, but when that happens, the post will be up. So now onto Game 6 and through the first two quarters, we were barely beating them despite a great first half by Kyle Lowery. In the third quarter, we started falling apart and by the end, the Warriors took the lead by Klay Thompson (who was living up to the mantra that he is great in Game 6). However, tragedy struck as while Klay was making a layup and got fouled, he landed wrongly and had trouble getting up. It seemed the Warriors were cooked again, but despite almost going to the locker room, Klay hobbled his way back to the court and shot the two free throws before heading back to the locker room where he promised his head coach that he would be back in 2 minutes. He seemed to be fine and was running to the locker room as well as at one point doing jumping jacks. However, despite five seconds earlier getting news that he was getting ready to return, the news came that he wasn't returning and walked away in crutches (it turned out after the game that he tore his ACL so all the stuff after the injury and before the news he wasn't coming back is shocking as hell). 

It wasn't until the final 5 minutes that we finally took the lead for good thanks to a three pointer by Fred Van Vleet (who was terrible in the beginning of the postseason, but after the birth of his son, became a different and more focused player so he became a great asset for Toronto), but wait....the Warriors were still having a comeback and were primed to win in the end, but that was snuffed out by a laughable moment of Draymond Green, who has had a past of hitting low blows on players and probably the biggest trash talker on the Warriors side, decided to call a time out. You may thing what is the big deal? Well, I'll tell you: the Warriors had no more time outs so that is a technical foul (so Draymond would have been out for Game 7 because that was his 7th and after the 7th, it is an automatic one game suspension). So with 0.9 seconds left, we got a free throw from Kawhi Leonard (which he made to take the lead up 2). Also, we had possession of the ball thanks the tech, so a miracle would need to happen for the Warriors to win, but it didn't come and the Toronto Raptors won the game and won their first NBA Championship.

When the final horn blew, I was loud and I had tears of joy all over my face. Despite all the times of being teased with a great moment only for my team (from whatever sport) to blow it away, I finally got that championship that I had not felt since 1993 when the Toronto Blue Jays won the World Series thanks to my favorite baseball player of all time Joe Carter hitting a home run to win it. Despite it being late and despite all the stress that was causing me to me to not work on my computer and not work on the induction, it was alleviated and the next day after I post this blog post, I will be back to inducting Transmorphers: Fall of Man and will be back to watching movies for my end of the year list. I have so many thank yous to give to former Raptors players as well as the current ones and I have thanks yous to give to fellow Raptors fans who were also there for the ride. I can now say that if the Raptors never win another title as long as I live, I will always have this to look back fondly on because unlike some entitled sports fans who want multiple championships and if you don't do give your body, even at the risk of your own career, you are a quitter and nothing more, I just want one for each pro sport that I am a fan of and that is all. I have that now with MLB and NBA, two more to go (NFL and NHL). 

I can also say to players and people who are probably going to leave the team in free agency or for more money in the front office, I am okay with you and will always appreciate everything you did here to give Raptors fans this title. There may be good and there may be bad in the future, but we will ALWAYS have this year. Thanks to all of you who read this far, I know this is not normal for me to ramble this long without it being an induction, but this truly comes from the heart as a person who is also a huge sports fan as well as a fan of movies. 

Sincerely, 

Seth Drakin…..or as my real name goes, James "Jay" Hughes Jr.

Thursday Night AMP 5/30 - AEW Double Or Nothing

Sorry for being late on posting this, but last month I was part of an AngryMarks panel that looked into the first show by AEW officially in Double or Nothing. It was a great show and we had some debate on which was the best match (although most of us had Cody vs. Dustin). It was good to talk to some of the AMP cast after the end of the Impact Implosion for me (I've been enjoying my retirement). 

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