Monster Crap
Inductee: Transmorphers – Fall Of Man
At Least Leigh Scott Isn’t Directing
2009
Years
ago for my 51st induction, I inducted my first foray into The Asylum
with the Transformers mockbuster Transmorphers. With the 50th
induction being the godawful Zarkorr: The Invader, it didn’t help my first
induction into Asylum was the godawful Transmorphers. If it wasn’t for the fact
that I took time off at induction 49 for personal and computer issues happening
all at once, you would think having two of the worst movies I’ve ever inducted
be back to back mean I would take time off.
And
of course, it didn’t help that it was directed by the egotistical Leigh Scott
who said the only reason his movies had issues was because of Asylum screwing
things up (which was bogus because his first movie after his Asylum deal was up
was the terrible Flu Birds where the monsters weren’t really birds). Transmorphers
also had an actress that wrote her own IMDB bio that wasn’t humble at all
(since then someone else has written the bio so I think even she realized that
writing your own bio wasn’t a good idea).
So
now we go into the sequel that is actually a prequel in Transmorphers: Fall of
Man, which was actually the first film that The Asylum put out on Blu-Ray. And
unlike the first one that had no names in it, this one has Bruce Boxleitner
(Tron in “Tron” & Captain James Sheridan in “Babylon 5”) and Jennifer Rubin
(Taryn in “Nightmare On Elm Street 3” & Jessica Hansen in “Screamers”). We
also have several people who were in previous inductions like Russ Kingston
(who was in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus), Jay Beyers (who was also in Mega Shark
vs. Giant Octopus), Dana DiMatteo (also was in Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus),
and Dean Kreyling (who was in you guessed it, Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus).
And
with all that out of the way, let’s get to Transmorphers: Fall of Man
We
immediately start with our title.
Asylum
Isn’t Wasting Any Time With This Film
We
then get an sky-view of Los Angeles, which is funny as the film will be taking
place outside of LA. We then get a narration about how the early attacks came
to a surprise to us all. Well, all except for the political people in power as
apparently they knew what we know now in that the machines were already here.
Then
we go to a woman speeding on her cell phone and being a complete lunatic on the
road.
This
woman is talking on the phone with her boyfriend or soon to be ex-boyfriend as
the call is not a good one with her yelling at him. She swerves all over the
road and she makes it known she wants him out of her house when she gets home.
She also threatens to burn his guitar if she sees it still there. As she’s
being like this, she passes by a police officer in Hadley Ryan.
The
woman on the phone sees the cop and is upset because she is going to get a
ticket and blames the guy. Of course, we then hear from her that the other guy
on the line is laughing, because of course he is….he isn’t the one driving
while on her cell phone being a complete idiot. Look, cops normally don’t see
you on your cell phone and go after you, you have to be doing some other crap
before they pull you over like speeding or in this bitch’s case, swerving in
between lanes like a drunk person. She gets off the phone and pulls over.
Of
course, this cop makes it clear he was pulling her over for her use of cell
phone, asking if she knows there is a new California law that outlaws driving
while on your cell phone. She says she was going to get a Bluetooth as they
speak. He says that she is probably on her way to Los Angeles as well, which
she confirms. She then asks if this is a quota thing about giving her a ticket,
which if you bring that up to most cops, they will see that as backtalking them
and they will give you that ticket. But Hadley seems to be unreasonably nice to
this crazy woman and just gives her a warning.
And
as she leaves, she goes right on her goddamn cell phone as if she didn’t learn
a thing.
Just
Kill Her Off So We Can Be On Our Way
She
then brags about how her pretty looks had her not get a ticket. But her phone
transforms (sorry, transmorphs) into a spider bot and decides this lady needs
to die.
Spider
Bot, Spider Bot, Killing Assholes Everywhere
The
spider bot gets on her car which causes her to swerve in shock and the spider
bot shoots a laser right between her eyes, killing her.
At
Edwards Air Force Base in Mojave, California
Or
Just Some Factory They Had Available To Shoot
Stan
Weston and Mary Jo talk about how there was another ping from SETI (Search For
Extraterrestrial Intelligence) so the aliens are again sending a message.
Stan
asks if they can decipher it and Mary Jo says that they are on it, but it is
not looking good that they are going to be able to get it. Stan tells her to
find Dr. Jo Summers.
We
then meet Dr. Jo Summers that night as she is going to a coffee place.
Coffee
At Night
After
talking about how terrible the metro is in LA, she looks at a paper and we find
out that girl that was killed earlier was the daughter of a diplomat.
Well,
Maybe If She Was Arrested, She Could Cry Diplomatic Immunity…Or Not. I Don’t
Know How That Works. Also....That Typhoon Seems Really Bad.
She
leaves without taking back her credit card, despite the barista trying to yell
about it.
We
then go to the morgue in Bakersfield, California (the city where most of the
film will be taking place).
I
Don’t Believe That Is Actually The Kern County Morgue
We
then meet Dr. Collins and Mayor Ethan Holt, who visit with Hadley to take a
look at the body.
They
basically reveal that it isn’t a gunshot wound as there is an entry wound is
cauterized which doesn’t happen with a bullet. They reveal that they haven’t
called her parents yet, which is pretty bad since the news is already out that
she is dead. Yeah…you kind of want to tell the parents first that their kid
died before they hear about it on the morning news, otherwise….you are really
bad at your job.
We
then meet Hadley’s niece Madison as she is getting off work.
She
comes to her house as she sees a boy playing with a toy helicopter in her
driveway. She enters her home and sees that her grandmother is watching static,
thinking that it is thrilling television.
Not
In Her Right Mind, Obviously
She
calls for the satellite repairman and they send Jake Van Ryberg.
Two
Things. One: That Is The Same Last Name Of The General From The First Film Who
Is In A Lesbian Marriage To Our Protagonist’s Ex. Two: The Actor Playing This
Guy Also Wrote The Screenplay To This Film.
The
mayor tells Hadley at a stop that the girl’s death is in the papers, saying she
was still alive and attacked….with witnesses. We also hear that there is a
government person looking for him.
We
go back to Jake, who arrives at Madison’s grandma’s place and we find out that
Madison and Jake were an item and he never told her he returned from the Middle
East, as he is ex-military.
Awkward….
After
small greetings, Jake goes to check on the satellite.
That’s
A Big Satellite. I Didn’t Know They Made Those Anymore For Home Use.
Anyway,
the satellite starts making noise and then turns into a robot.
Jake
then decides that he is going to shoot the damn thing.
We
Don’t Take Too Kindly To Your Robot Kind Around These Parts
Jake
then dives back into the house like a madman and onto Madison.
Yeah….Not
Getting Points, Buddy
He
tells her to get her grandmother and herself out of the house as there is some
sort of attack going on. She of course calls the freaking police. Jake goes
back outside, but the bot and satellite are gone.
Back
at the police station, Jo tries to talk to Hadley about the situation and says
she knows what might be going on, but Stan and Mary come by and make her come
with them. Jo tells Hadley to get the phone of the girl before she leaves. Hadley
then gets a call that her niece is in trouble.
We
then see a guy in his car listening to rock music.
His
GPS shoots a laser at him and kills him
The
entire SUV basically dumps him out of the vehicle and drives on its way.
At
a theater that isn’t open, Madison asks Jake why he has a gun. Jake tries to
tell her not to worry about it, but Madison explains that of course she is
going to worry about it as it is a freaking gun. Hadley shows up and Madison
gives her uncle a huge hug. Hadley asks where the grandmother is and Madison
easily explains that her Uncle Paul picked her up. Hadley sees Jake and says he wants
the gun that Jake is holding, which Jake asks what for. Hadley plays along and
says it would just make him feel more comfortable and Jake gives him the gun.
Now, a cop seeing his niece with her ex and him having a gun that he now gave
up, normally you would expect Jake to be in handcuffs, but that isn’t what
happens.
Instead,
Hadley just asks what is going on here. Madison explains that Jake came over to
fix the TV, goes outside, and then runs in, screaming about robots while he has
a gun. Jake says he doesn’t know what he saw, but somehow the satellite turned
into some sort of “attack droid”. Madison then reveals that the satellite dish
is gone. Hadley has this face.
Hadley
then explains that he has to find a cell phone. Jake wonders what is going on
and Hadley just tells the two to get in his cop car as they head towards the
morgue. Back at Edwards Airforce Base in Mojave, California…
In
the car, Summers explains to Weston that she found an anomaly during her usual
looks at infrared wavelengths. Weston asks how we didn’t pick this wavelength
out since we normally can pick up infrared signals from space. Summers thinks
this one is different though because she thinks they got a hit.
While
driving to the morgue, Hadley wonders why Jake never told anyone that he had
come back a few months ago. Jake just is speechless and Hadley asks Madison if
she knows, which she doesn’t. Hadley gets a call about another homicide so he
heads there.
At
the crime scene, Hadley asks if there were any witnesses and a young kid comes
forward. The kid explains that there was no driver in the car and the car just
dropped the body off and then drove away.
Back
in the car, Madison is wondering what is going on and Jake talks about how he
was trained in UAVs (military drones in layman’s terms), Hadley says that they
don’t want to jump to conclusions so he doesn’t want to say what is going on as
he doesn’t really know. Madison says that at least Jake was doing something
unlike Hadley and Hadley says that he is staying calm. Madison wants out of the
vehicle and forces them to stop the car. Madison runs off and Hadley has Jake
go after her.
While
chasing Madison, Jake explains that he is sorry he didn’t call her when he came
back. She stops and he explains that he was going through some shit and didn’t
want to get her involved. Jake then wants to rephrase that and says he just
didn’t want to see her. Really? You’re first excuse was better. Madison of
course doesn’t care about all of that and just says something is going on and
she doesn’t feel safe. Hadley drives up and tells them to just get into the
car.
At
the morgue, Dr. Collins doesn’t know where the cell phone is as the feds came
by looking for it two hours ago and they couldn’t find it. She then gives
Hadley a hint that she hasn’t checked her office yet and leaves, but not before
Hadley asks her out on a date, which she says she will think about. Then in her
messy office, Hadley finds the phone.
Back
in the car, Madison looks at the phone and Jake comments that it looks like an
ordinary phone. Considering the last person who had that phone in the car, it
is the best that Handley tells Madison to put the phone in the glove
compartment. Hadley then gets a call about a potential hit and run from an SUV,
but it doesn’t matter as that same SUV just happened to decide to rear end
them. A car chase ensues that quickly ends with them cornering the SUV in a
warehouse. Of course, that all changes when the bot that was a satellite
earlier shows up.
Jake
tells Hadley to get in the car and Hadley does just that. They drive away and
the chase continues although this time the SUV is chasing them. They get
cornered finally and the SUV transforms.
It
starts making a sound that bothers all three of our characters’ hearing. They
realize after a few minutes that the robot wants the cell phone and they are
about to give it to the robot, but a chopper comes in and shoots the robot.
The
three get out of the car while the robot is down and find an SUV, but of course
it definitely isn’t the one that was after them since that robot is down over
there and this one has a driver in Mary Jo who tells them to get in.
We
then find out through conversation that these robots are somehow trained to
kill through a wavelength that makes computers go alive. Madison wonders if it
is a terrorist attack or something and Mary Jo says it is something.
At
Edwards Airforce Base, they all meet with Stan and Jo. Stan explains that the
robots are assimilating through various computer technology, allying together
to serve a common purpose, a purpose that Stan wants to know. Stan also
explains that the cell phone is locked away in a safe that is made of stainless
steel. Hadley asks where they came from and Stan says that they built them
using technology from the 1947 Roswell crash. Stan says that thanks to the
technology found in that crash, they were able to build all the technology we
have although little did they know that they were building an army.
Madison
wonders if they are saying that all of this is their fault for wanting
technology and Jo explains that it goes way back then that with pyramids. Two
weeks ago, at the same time the machines were attacking, Jo detected an
infrared signal from outer space, which means aliens.
Jake
realizes that he is here because he is an expert in controlling drones since
that is what he did in the military. Mary Jo sends Stan something and they
leave as they need to deal with this. Outside, Mary Jo explains that there are
transformations happening all over the world. Meanwhile, the robot decides to
escape because some dumbass decided to open the safe after hearing strange
noise.
The
noise reverberates all the way to where Hadley, Jake, and Madison are and they
duck. Hadley wonders if it was just a sonic boom….
Jo
says that it is the robots attacking. And we immediately see a robot attacking
the base.
Lots
of shooting and lots of explosions happens as Stan wants attack choppers in the
air and people protecting the front gate. In the computer room, Jake comes up
with the idea that they need a jamming signal to stop the robots from
attacking. Jake reveals since he used to be stationed here, he knows they have
wireless jammers in the control tower. Hadley and Jake head there. Madison says
she is going with them and Hadley finally relents if she promises to stay in
back of him. Stan is thinking the same thing, but unfortunately, he gets
stomped by the robot before he can act.
Jake,
Hadley, Madison, and Jo start to get locked and loaded. Mary Jo also gets
killed.
Our
four main characters all see the tower and Jo says that they need to cause a
distraction. Hadley says he is going to cause the distraction by flying an
attack chopper and killing the robot, as just like Jake, he also had a past in
the military.
So
Jake and Jo go to the tower to jam the signals while Hadley gets to the
helicopter and Madison causes the distraction for him to get to that
helicopter. Lots of running and CGI copter flying by Hadley happens. But
tragically, it seems that Madison’s distraction wasn’t good enough as she gets
blown up.
I
would say that, but through bullshit reasons, Madison is still alive.
Meanwhile,
Hadley starts shooting at the robot, while calling him a “tin head”.
The
robot is heading to the tower to send its signal. Hadley starts shooting at the
robot to get it away from the tower, but the robot remembers his earlier insult
and shoots the copter.
The
chopper is damaged so Hadley is forced to make one last act. Go kamikaze and
sacrifice himself and the copter to kill the robot.
Madison
comes up to the tower and is upset that her uncle is dead. Madison takes
Grandmother home and we see things still coming to Earth.
Madison
and Jake drink beer at a bar, thinking about the late Hadley Ryan. They dance
and that eventually leads them to going to Jake’s place and having sex.
So
you’re probably thinking end of the movie and despite the lack of a Fall of
Man, we saw that the things from space coming to Earth that would obviously
lead to an eventual invasion. Unfortunately, this is an 85 minute movie and we
are only at 54 minutes. Yeah, the wake up and the invasion has begun.
Or Michael Bay Is Shooting An Extremely Cheap Movie Not Far Off.
Madison
says that they stopped the invasion, but it is obvious they didn’t. Jake gets
locked and loaded and the couple runs away. They meet up with Jo, who has them
get in her truck. Jo then reveals that
we may have stopped the signal, they didn’t do it in time and all that jamming
did was stop our military defenses from this attack. Then one of the robot
starts flying and chasing them.
Jake
is able to shoot down the robot, but he takes a laser to the shoulder.
Jake
tells Jo to drive this truck to the desert. Our main characters start to
realize that the alien robots have won. They pull over, but get attacked and an
explosion flips over the car.
Instead,
they are all still alive, but Jo can’t walk now do to something impaling her
leg.
They
are thankfully saved when a truck of two survivors comes by.
Jake
makes her bite on part of her glasses as he removes the metal bit stuck to her
leg. Jake immediately tourniquets the wound. The mayor takes them to an
incomplete house where they are holed up for the time being with other
survivors.
We
find out that they are holed up here hoping for the best, but preparing for the
worst as one of the survivors shows some dynamite. The mayor says this may be a
suicide attack, but if they are going to die, they are going to die on their
terms. We hear noises and the mayor reveals they don’t need to worry as the
robots don’t come out this far.
As
dusk approaches, everyone is fed by the mayor who is cooking beans. They still
wonder why the aliens are here now and Jo guesses that they are hear for our
resources. The mayor reveals he saw the aliens putting something in the water
and Jake reveals they must act or the aliens are going to try and eradicate us
with poison. Unfortunately, there was mention earlier that the mayor’s daughter
has a pacemaker and she is here so we get to see that pacemaker burst out of
her chest and become a robot.
This
robot is immediately shot down by the same survivor who talked about dynamite
earlier.
So
they load up and head to a water source via a storm drain. The survivors notice
they haven’t run into anyone of them yet and the survivor that shot the
pacemaker bot says they must just be lucky.
The
group goes to try and hide in hopes of an attack, but someone else shows up and
shoots the robot with a rocket launcher.
We
find out that the guy who saved them is a military person whose the only member
left of his team.
He
reveals that the robots are making a terraforming plant. They know this because
the Russians captured one and tortured it until it revealed its memory code.
Jake asks the logical question of how you torture a machine and the military
guy says he doesn’t know how, but they did. He reveals that there were 9
terraforming stations and 3 of them have already been taken out. He also
reveals that they are using a station to make more of their numbers so they
decide to attack the station to dwindle their numbers.
As
they move forward, another survivor is killed by another robot.
They
fire at the robot which does the same stupid animation.
They
finally are able to destroy it so they continue on. They finally get to the
station which is obviously being guarded.
Robot
2: It Was This Big, Frank.
The
military guy reveals that there was over 100 robots last time they attacked so
many must be still looking for the other soldiers so the two left make this a
perfect time to attack. Also shoot for the sternum plate as that seems to
destroy them instantly. He also reveals that they already managed to blow up
half the building and the other half is laced with C4 so this really shouldn’t
be that hard, right?
But
then again, a third robot shows up and stops the truck with the military man in
it.
Robot
1 AKA Frank: I Guess They Did, Chuck
Robot
2 AKA Joe: Major Dumbasses
Then
one of the bots looks at the truck. The military guy is about to fire on him,
but his gun doesn’t have anymore ammo.
The
rest of the survivors are then found by another robot.
As
they run, our mayor is sadly shot.
Madison
then kills the mayor murdering bot.
Jake
sets the timer for 10 seconds and sends the others to leave before starting the
countdown.
Jake
starts to leave, but finds out the robots replaced Chuck quickly.
Robot
4: You Bastard, I Was Gonna Marry That Bot
Robot
2 AKA Joe: I Killed The Military Guy, One Of You Two Can Take Care Of This
Asshole.
Robot
1 AKA Frank: He’s All Yours, Mitch
Robot
4 AKA Mitch: It Will Be My Pleasure
The
explosion then happens and all the robots are dead.
All
the robots are dead, but somehow…..Jake is still alive.
Of
course they embrace.
A
narration reveals that they destroying the terraforming created a toxic cloud
(which the first movie said they created) that caused people to have to go
underground for survival. So yes, all of the action in this movie didn’t matter
one iota and we lost. Kinda makes you feel like this whole movie was extremely
pointless as every action taken is rather pointless as we’re still fucked, but
fucked in a different way. The narration reveals that it is Jake speaking and
he hopes other survivors are listening so they can join him in eventually
taking the planet back. And it would be saved years later not by the descendant
of Jake (although she is in the first film), but some rando named Mitchell who
gets revealed to be a cyborg a doctor made.
So
as far as aftermath of this film, very little happened. Bruce Boxleitner would
get to return as Tron in Tron: Legacy and sadly that film bombed. Now this isnt
a aftermath per say, but I did find out an extra for this film is voice actor
Adam Conlon who did English dubs for Elfen Lied and Princess Tutu, which should
make some anime fans interested in finding him in the film.
Now
for my final thoughts of this film and they are complicated. While this film is
better than the first film, it isn’t by much. The lines of dialogue in here are
terrible, the acting isn’t that good to save the terrible lines, the effects
are bad, and most importantly, this was extremely unnecessary as nothing really
mattered and every success always came with they still failed, but in a
different way.
Now
before we get to the next induction, I do have an announcement to make, The
Monster Crap Fantasy Football Bet will be a bit different (I hope). Instead of
the winner being one of my characters for next summer, I’m going to allow one
of you fans to decide what I induct next summer. All you need to do is donate
me a film from my Monster Crap wishlist and you will be entered into a team
that will have their fate determine if you get to choose my summer Monster Crap
line-up. Here is the link.
Now
unfortunately, only one person has sent me a donation so far so unless you want
to make this whole thing pointless and give him the decision for the summer, you
will need to donate to enter. I will explain more if I get more people on this.
Now
where is NegaSeth with the next film because I’m in a good mood.
Oh, I'm Sure You Are....
Yep…as
many people know, my Toronto Raptors won the NBA Finals and despite my worry,
my grandfather has not passed away yet. Also, I know damn well a film you
wanted me to induct last is too expensive for me to have around so you
NegaSeth, are going to have to find another choice.
I
Am Perfectly Aware Of That Bullshit. But Don’t You Worry, I Believe I Have
Found A Suitable Replacement For You. Instead, You Should Be More Concerned
About The Next Film I Have For You, Which Is A Sequel To A Remake You Hated. I
Give You….
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