Well, it's time for the list that you all have been waiting for which is my worst of the year because I know you readers can't wait to see which films caused me to suffer (you monsters!!!). So yeah, 2023 really didnt have many movies that made me completely say that was bad and one of the honorable mentions is a film that I mentioned was just there (not good, but not godawful to the point of pissing me off). Here are the movies I did not see because while I may do this list, I am NOT going to actively seek out those types of movies on my own.
* After Death
* Assassin Club
* Carmen
* Cat Person
* Dear David
* Expend4bles
* Fear The Night
* Fool's Paradise
* Freelance
* Ghosted
* God Is A Bullet
* Heart Of Stone
* Life Upside Down
* Love Again
* Magic Mike's Last Dance
* My Big Fat Greek Wedding
* On A Wing & A Prayer
* Paint
* Ruby Gillman: Teenage Kraken
* The Haunted Mansion
* The Little Mermaid (Both the Disney Remake & The Asylum Version I Did Not See)
* The Marvels
* White Men Can't Jump remake
* Wish
* You People
* Your Place Or Mine
Now let's get to the dishonorable mentions (all by alphabetical order).
With that out of the way, let's get to the 25 worst movies of 2023.
You saw that film from Norway was in my Favorite Films Of The Year. Well, there is also a film from Norway in my Worst Films Of The Year with that film that deals with a werewolf monster that has existed since the days of the Vikings. The CGI in this movie is really bad and the story is sadly very boring to the point I am just wanting them to kill the beast and just get it over with. Oh, but we got to get to the full run time so there are plenty of points where they know this is a werewolf and know it follows werewolf rules, but don't even consider using silver freaking bullets until the end or that the person who got bit by the beast would turn into one. You want to see me yelling at a movie, this is one of those films where I did that.
Oh you will be seeing several superhero films in this worst of the year list and they are all from either the DC live action theatrical movies or DC's animated straight to digital movies (Ant-Man & Wasp: Quantummania wasn't that bad and like I said, I didnt see The Marvels so Marvel escapes this list just through pure freaking luck). The first into the worst movies list (aka the best ones that aren't Aquaman 2 or Blue Beetle which were better than that Marvel movie I did see) is this animated dump that tries to do a Legion Of Super-Heroes origin story and it completely falls flat. From the boring story to making one of the characters who was a hero in comic books as to a surprise villain near the end, this film was just......bad.
Okay.....I know some of you might expect this film about Russell Crowe as an exorcist (who actually actually existed in real life) as he deals with Asmodeus' freaking plot to corrupt the freaking Pope (yeah, that is the evil plan), but the CGI was so bad and the premise so freaking ludicrous that I was just sitting their laughing my ass off (especially in the last 20 minutes). So yeah, despite this movie being loosely based on the writings of this exorcist, it's really just Russell Crowe vs. a demon so if you expected that, well.....you might be okay laughing at this flop. If you are not, may I recommend the 2017 documentary of the actual guy that was directed by William Friedkin, the director of The Exorcist.
I like Bill Burr as a comedian and I like Bobby Cannavale and Bokeem Woodbine as actors so you may be wondering how I can hate this movie. Well, the reality is most of the comedy is these old guys don't get that stuff they grew up on does not work in today's world and they are going to hammer that into your freaking head. Oh and they also are going to try and hammer in your head that while they eventually will realize their mistakes and fix some of it, the people who know that times are changed are not understanding in ANY WAY with your old ways. From a company that will fire anyone who does something not PC and they get it through illegal videotaping methods to a elitist educator who turns out to be stealing money, this movie is basically like "We may be bad, but we can change. But you are also bad while pretending to be all inclusive and you won't change". Also, I really didn't laugh in this movie.
Dammit, John Woo....it's been 6 years since you made a movie at all and 20 years since you made a movie for us Americans, and what you give us is a boring movie with zero dialogue and action scenes that just blend together too much to be anything worthwhile. When people talk about movies that could be at any time despite being around Christmas, this is exactly the film they need because I feel zero spirit here (I feel more Christmas spirit with Die Hard than this). So yeah, the movie is basically a guy whose kid dies due to a stray bullet in scene where two gangs were driving around shooting each other and he lost his voice due to a bullet destroying his vocal chords because he tried to find the gang and one of the shot him. So he waits a whole year to get his revenge and he does so in extremely boring fashion. I have nothing more to say about this disappointment.
Let's talk about the good and that is Dave Bautista, who plays a calm and normal doomsday believer which he does very well. Unfortunately, the rest of the actors and the plot do not do this movie any good. Sadly, M. Night Shyamalan is back to being at his not good writing and for a lot of this movie, the plot is just meandering. The worst thing about this movie is the dialogue which is laughable and that is not good for a film that takes itself very seriously. At least it is better than Old.
Yes, they made an entire nearly 2 hour movie based on a single chapter of Bran Stoker's book Dracula. Is it faithful to the chapter.....yes, considering it was some pages of a book, it should be. However, this should never have been a full movie and if it was going to be, should not be nearly 2 hours as nobody is interesting enough to make this dull movie entertaining even for a bit. You have a movie where we all know the ending to because many of us have read the book so you are going keep us intrigued and not looking at our watches. They failed at that and that's too bad as I liked reading Dracula.
While I did not see the John Cena crap film of Freelance, I did however see this action movie starring John Cena and Jackie Chan. This movie tries to be The Road Warrior and it fails in the most boring of ways. Since this was made mostly in China, the special effects are even worse than usual American Hollywood films and there really is not that much friendly chemistry between Chan and Cena. Not much to say other than that.
I'm sad this one is here because I liked the first Shazam movie and I was really looking forward to it. Well, that was until I found out that the villains were never in the comic books this character is based on and if I know anything about these types of movies over the years, if they have to make a character of their own without any comic book history.....the movie is going to suck. And that is what happened here with the villains just being generic and the story just being dull. which hurts in a movie that is OVER TWO HOURS!! Oh and let's not get into the BS of being able to bribe unicorns to be on your side with Skittles (yes, that happened).
Indiana Jones should have just stayed a trilogy because the last film and this film have completely destroyed the legacy of Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is way too old to be doing this and it shows as there are several times where it is CG Indiana Jones. This reminds me of the time they tried to make a modern western with an old ass Clint Eastwood called Cry Macho, where it was clear that he couldnt do much because of his age. Oh and this is the first film with neither Steven Spielberg or George Lucas involved and it shows. Phoebe Waller-Bridge is normally good, but she is just annoying in this film as Indy's goddaughter and Mads Mikkelsen has been good as a villain before, but not here. Let's just never do another Indiana Jones film again.
I have never watched the anime this is based off of so I have no bias to hate or like this. But unfortunately, the actors did not seem to care about the movie whatsoever and that kills a movie. Add in some bad CGI and a plot that makes no sense at times, this movie was doomed to fail and is deserving of being a flop. One of the people who were specifically bad (aka seemed uninterested in acting) was Diego Tinoco as one of the henchmen Nero which is made even worse when he betrays his boss and becomes the final big bad himself. Not even Famke Janssen, Sean Bean, and Mark Dacascos could save this when actors who were more prominently featured did carry the load.
Remember when I said sometimes a movie I watch because of my mom can be good when I was talking about the Burial. Well, most times they are terrible and there are 2 on this list where that happened. This is the first of the two. Man, Eddie Murphy really made a deal with the devil to get His Name Is Dolemite made and now he is stuck making so much direct to digital crap and this is sadly his Christmas effort. Here, Eddie plays a father who seems to care more about a Christmas light show than his own family's issues like her daughter wanting to go to a school further away from them, a son who cares about music more than math, and a mother who has her own job issues to be concerned about. Add in an evil elf who wants to turn Eddie into a toy via a contract and you have a mess.
In 2018, one of my favorite more recent book series in The Meg was made into a really good film in The Meg that was Jason Statham vs. a Megalodon and while it did go a bit outside the source material, was still very faithful to the first and second book. So I was hyped for this sequel and then I saw it. It was a complete betrayal to the series as there was plenty of monsters this movie could go for and plots that could be brought into movie form, but instead they decide to completely make their own story and as we have seen, that does not work. The villains want a mineral that is only in the trench and the monsters are these tiny dinos that are both aquatic and land roaming.....and in a rip off of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, they have a giant octopus fight the Megalodon. This pissed me off to no end and this film can thank it's lucky stars that there were worse films this year.
Dammit DC, you fail again with an animated film. This one had some good ideas with Wonder Woman in the West, Batman in a Conan The Barbarian World, and Superman in a 50s Detective Story, but then when you realize this has an overall link with Mongul and Martian Manhunter and that is where this falls apart. This is a confusing mess in the end and the worst part is this is to set up another film that deals with the comic book event comics Crisis On Infinite Earth, which is a mess in its own way so I am not looking forward to the continuation to this story. DC, you have one more shit for this year.
And that final shit for this year and perhaps the worst of them is The Flash. Jesus Christ, what a mess this film was. We have terrible CGI that was supposedly intentional, using AI to make horrible recreations of real life characters like Christopher Reeves as Superman, and worst of all, giving us double the annoyance from real life piece of shit Ezra Miller. I dont why DC would decide to even release this film as it was better off as a MAX only film and in my opinion, this is solely to blame for a better movie like Blue Beetle bombing in the box office as well. I HATED THIS MOVIE and am glad I waited until it was MAX before I saw it. Flash was one of my favorite superheroes when I was a kid and you have completely screwed him up so to anyone who wants to defend Ezra Miller as Flash, I have two words for you. FUCK YOU. You're just lucky there are ten worse films than this.
Yep....they rebooted the Children Of The Corn franchise and they chose Kurt Wimmer to direct. Yes, they chose the director of Ultraviolet and that terrible Total Recall remake to make this film so we are already in trouble even before we start viewing the film. It only gets worse as everyone in this town except our lead good girl is a piece of shit and that just makes it easier for all the kids to decide that the adults can go fuck themselves and die. This time though, the kids are led by a girl named Eden and not some guy named Isaac and also no Malakai as well. But this movie does decide that you should need to see what "He Who Walks" looks like and he looks like a freaking monster made of corn. And that is as hilarious (not scary) as it sounds.
Can you believe Universal spent $400 million just to get the rights to The Exorcist so they can make sequels? Well, they did and they then spent $30 million to make this movie and hired David Gordon Green of the recent Halloween sequels to direct this series. What happened was this film didnt even make their money back for getting the franchise and didnt even get the money back from making just this film. This movie was really bad with two girls needing an exorcism and a contrived way of an ending. They somehow got Ellen Burstyn in this film and I have a feeling that was a bad idea considering it was just a waste of her talent. This film is so bad and did so poorly that not only is a planned sequel in jeopardy, but even if it does happen, David Gordon Green has just recently decided that he is not going to be directing this next one.
Universal isnt the only one making bad decisions as Paramount Plus decided to make a prequel to the original Pet Sematary film and they knew it was bad as it was just a straight to Paramount Plus release. This is supposed to be about Judd Crandall when he was a kid and he dealt with the first human buried in cursed pet cemetery (his friend who came home from Vietnam dead). The problem with prequels is you can't do much as you are stuck in a strict continuity bubble and when you try to do completely different things like this film did, you betray the original film that this is a prequel to. They somehow were able to get both Pam Grier and David Duchovny in this film and only Pam at least seemed to be somewhat trying as David just does less than the bare minimum as the father of the cursed guy who was buried in the pet cemetery.
Remember when I said there was another film I watched only because my mom wanted to watch it? Well, this is that other movie that was on freaking Hulu. And I sort of understand her wanting to see it since it is a crime thriller with Morgan Freeman and Cole Hauser (fresh from Yellowstone), but oh boy....there is a reason you probably have never heard of this film. Cole is a cop and Morgan is a professor who join together to deal with a serial killer who has also killed in other countries and uses the brutal tribal ritual of Muti, which mostly doesn't use human body parts, but will do that on rare occasions. And the kicker in all of this is the voodoo doctor/serial killer is played by former NFL tight end Vernon Davis. It seems that independent cinema still does not realize that former football players may not be the best actors (we had Peyton Hillis in a werewolf movie last year).
I had heard this movie (based on what would happen if one of comedian Bert Kreischer's routines turned out to be real) was bad from its failed theatrical run. However, I saw it was on Netflix and decided that "Meh....I'll see it". That was a mistake as this movie is not even remotely funny and not even Mark Hamill is good in this movie. This was just really bad and this movie makes the Russian Mafia seem stupid as hell. There is not much to say about this movie other than that.
Well, I'll give Meg 2: The Trench this....it was not the worst Megalodon movie this year. That honor would go to the even worse CGI ridden and more boring The Black Demon. Basically, a family is here to check on an old oil rig that has been for corrupt reasons, still in operations when they get trapped on that rig by a giant Megalodon that this oil rig unearthed when it was searching for oil. They dont really call it a Megalodon and more refer to it as "El Demonio Negro" (Black Demon) and say it is a Mexican myth as a herald for Tlaloc (the Aztec god of rain). I liked another film like this where someone is stuck because of killer sharks in The Shallows, but you have to have good acting, some levity, and a feeling of real dread and we don't get that here.
Leave to Hollywood to do a science fiction movie where a guy lands on an island where dinosaurs exist and make it soooooooo boring. Adam Driver tries, but he cannot save a piss poor script, poor pacing, and a terrible performance from his child co-star who has to speak a fake language (thankfully, she does better in Barbie later this year). Oh and they try to make the fact that this dinosaur planet being Earth as a twist, which would be interesting.....if it wasnt spoiled by the freaking TITLE. This twist was probably one of the most frustrating twists of all time because we know it is Earth 65 million years ago as you promoted it as such.
A film that was directed by the director of Freaky and Happy Death Day that stars Anthony Mackie and David Harbour should be a good movie. Sadly, we get no luck on that end as I couldnt find not even a single chuckle while watching this film. David Harbour plays a mute ghost (not a good idea for David not to speak in a movie) and Anthony Mackie plays a dad who wants to milk the fact that they have a ghost so he can be famous despite his son wanting to do the right thing and give this ghost peace of mind in finding out how he died. It made me so mad that I felt ripped off of my time because since it was Netflix, I didnt pay for it.
This was the second movie I saw in 2023 and while I liked Cocaine Bear, I did not like Jung_E despite a really interesting plot of a deceased female soldier hero whose memories and mind are put into a cyborg as a way to fight the enemy in a completely messed up Earth as they now live outside the planet because of it no longer being livable. This was the last film of star Kang Soo-Yeon, who died of cardiac arrest and cerebral hemorrhage before the film was released on Netflix. And man, this is a terrible way to go out because this movie is definitely the most boring movie of 2023. It just meanders all over the place, the CGI of course is going to be terrible, and even the twists suck. This was just an experience that made me look at how far along we are four times because of how just padded it is with dialogue about absolutely nothing. It was really a hard decision between this and what ended up number one. But number one was just boring and it pissed me off that it wins out.
And if you've followed long enough, you all know what #1 is so let's get to it.
2023 was the year that much of A.A. Milne's (who shares the same birthday as me) Hundred Acre Woods characters became public domain (Tigger became public domain right now) and of course we were going to get a horror movie where the lovable characters kill people. This movie was simply going to be a digital release, but because of public interest....they put it in limited theaters. And this fucking sucked. Basically Christopher Robin left the Hundred Acre Wood characters and they turned feral (killing poor Eeyore as well) because they forgot how to freaking search for food. And when Christopher Robin comes back, all hell breaks loose. Well, that would be the plot except that only happens in the first 15 minutes. Afterwards, we get annoying bitch characters who have to deal with Pooh and Piglet (the rest are missing) and Christopher Robin is still somehow alive and getting whipped with freaking Eeyore's tail. This movie should be enjoyable and somehow they fucked it up so badly that I had to make it #1 at the end of the year and it wasnt even a challenge by anyone else. Oh, and the worst part is a sequel has already been filmed and will be released this year. All I have to say about this sequel is.....
So now we get to the part where I have to induct what you all chose to 2023 GINO Award. So what did you choose?
Learn to type a cohesive and interesting paragraph. No wonder everyone on FAN thinks you're boring.
ReplyDeleteAnd here, we have a cowardly asshole. Don't be like this guy who says this and doesn't have enough cajones to own his comments so he stays anonymous.
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