Monster Crap Inductee: Doom (2005)

Monster Crap Inductee: Doom
No One Gets Out In A Good Mood
 

2005
 
Well, Bob gave me a memorable film for the final induction for his summer as out of all the films that have been inducted, this is the one that actually made it to many theaters. Yeah, every film beforehand has not gotten a large theatrical release in theaters so this may be the film that most people know about. And it is also based on a video game that was huge in the 90s.
 
In 1991, four members of a company called Softdisk made a game called Commander Keen and the Invasion Of The Vorticons and they has such a good time together, that they created their own company called id Software. They struggled the first year with more Commander Keen games, 2 Rescue Rover games, and others before they hit upon a surprise hit game in 1992. That game is….
 

Yeah, Doom Was Not The First Hit Game For id Software.
 
However, id Software would then make a bigger hit in 1993 with the game this movie is based off of.
 

It is a game where a space soldier has to fight to survive because Mars had an ark that opened a portal to Hell (which was somehow on Mars). It became a hit and that, along with Mortal Kombat, were the two most well known games to piss off the US government about violent video games and they had a hearing about it so we now have the damn video games ratings board.
 

But let’s get back to id Software, Doom got multiple hit Doom sequels and ports, as well as other video games like the Quake series. Afterwards, they got bought out by the parent company of Bethesada Software and that is where we are today with the latest Doom game, Doom Eternal.

Actually, this Doom idea had been in the wings for years before this since Doom 2 happened in 1994, but because of circumstances over the years like the Columbine Massacre, lack of producers, and poor scripts, the project never really got off the ground. In 2004, Doom 3 came out and that was a hit so finally, a movie based on the Doom series was greenlit. And the star of this movie was announced to be Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
 

He Was The Third Choice As Arnold Schwarzenegger Was Too Busy Being Governor And Vin Diesel Turned Them Down
 
And that seemed to be a great hire since at the time, the former pro wrestler had been in several hit theatrical releases like The Scorpion King, The Rundown, and Walking Tall.  Also, in the cast is an up-and-coming actor in Karl Urban who two of the Lord Of The Rings films, but his last film before this was as a villain in the much-maligned Chronicles Of Riddick.
 

A Film So Bad That Star Vin Diesel Had To Mortgage His Freaking House To Get A Third Film In The Riddick Series
 
Also, they got an up-and-coming actress in Rosemund Pike, whose biggest film at this point was the 007 film Die Another Day
 

The Last Film Of Pierce Brosnan As James Bond Was Also Not A Good Film So We May Have Concerns.
 
As for director…..let’s get the guy who directed Romeo Must Die, Exit Wounds, and Cradle To The Grave in Andrzej Bartkowiak.
 

Thank God I Type These Inductions Instead Of Actually Speak About Them Because I May Butcher This Name Real Badly.
 
And of course we have Monster Crap alumni because if we are going to have guys in monster suits, then your ass better get Doug Jones.
 

Doom Will Actually Be The First Movie Where He Will Actually Be In An Actual Monster Suit
 
We also have Rana Morrison (in an uncredited role here) which is not surprising since she did uncredited roles in New Moon and that terrible Clash of the Titans remake.
 
And with that long ass intro out of the way, let’s get into the actual meat of the induction and talk about the actual movie. Oh and while this is the unrated cut of the film, this is also in full screen so sorry, fans of wide screen…this is the DVD I could get of it. 
 
We get narration from Rosemund Pike’s character telling us that in 2026 (three years from now), we discovered a structure in the Nevada desert that acted as a portal between here and an ancient city on Mars. They called it the Ark and 20 years later from that, they are still struggling to understand why it was built as well as what happened to the civilization that built it.
 
And with that, we get a Mars version of the Universal logo.
 

Universal Studios….My Arch Nemesis
 
Anyway, we go to a base on Mars.
 

Or This If You Want To Be More Specific
 
Inside the base, we get people running away from something that is killing them.
 

One of the doctors (Dr. Carmack) gets himself in a room and slowly closes the door on his fellow scientist, who only is able to get her arm in before it is sealed and she is killed.
 

Dr. Carmack sends out an SOS before the something breaks through the steal doors. And then we get the Doom title screen.
 

We then head to Marine Corps Special Ops RRTS Headquarters that is in Twentynine Palms, California.
 

As An American Citizen, All I Have To Say About That USA Part Is….No Shit, Sherlock
 
Sarge is getting orders that there is a Level 5 breach on Mars and that his team has been ordered to help with the quarantine and deal with the problem as well as retrieve research.
 

Hey, Dwayne
 
In the bunks, we meet the other members of the crew like…
 

Duke…Playing A Video Game
 

Portman, Who Likes She-Boys So….Detestable
 

John Grimm Aka Reaper (Also Originally A Role Meant For The Rock, But He Chose Sarge Instead)
 

The Kid….Doing Cleaning Duty
 

Destroyer….Playing Baseball With…
 

Mac
 

And Goat…Who Is Super Religious
 
They are preparing for vacation as you guessed with Portman’s comments, but Sarge comes down to tell them that vacation is cancelled as they are required for a new mission on Mars. Sarge tries to suggest that John Grimm to sit this one out, but John is not hearing it so someone or something from John’s past might be up there.
 
They go to the Ark and they try to have some interaction while on the chopper ride like in Predator, and we also learn that John hasn’t seen someone who is on Mars for 10 years and John is sure she is still up there. As they enter the Ark, which is underground….we see how they transport from Earth to Mars.
 

By the way, when they get to Mars….several of them puke because this type of transportation can easily make people sick. Kid asks if it was always that rough and a guy named Pinky says that it was worse.
 

Yep….Victim Of A Teleporting Accident Where The Top Part Of His Body Was Here And The Bottom Part Stayed On Earth So This Contraption That He Has.
 

Also….Hi John Martin From Band Of Brothers. I Swear It Is A Strange Coincidence That As Soon As I Started Watching Band Of Brothers With My Mom, I See This Guy Who Would Later Be In This Movie, Show Up.
 
The RRTS get there guns in the air and load them which also activates a camera that follows each other them so you know what they are seeing at all time. Mac gets immediately tasked with staying by and guarding the door in case anyone tries to get out before quarantine is lifted. As they reach the main atrium of this place, we see the place as adults and kids. Portman tries to hit on some girls and then we meet Dr. Samantha Grimm who is the head scientist here.
 

Yep….She Is The Past That John Hasn’t Seen In 10 Years
 
Samantha is going with them as they have orders to retrieve research from three servers, which John protests….but Sarge then remembers to tell everyone that they have to secure research as well. Duke asks John how he could let a fine piece of ass like that get away and John is revolted in having to tell Duke that is his younger sister. Anyone who does not have relatives and you have never gotten that question or an insinuation of a relationship between you and another relative they don’t know is your relative may not understand this. However, I have (and I will not say how I experienced this mistake from someone else) and I can tell you that for most sane people, the thought of that idea even put in your head will be disgusting to most people.
 

It’s Why Most Of Us When We Heard Donald Trump Say If Ivanka Wasn’t His Daughter, He Would Have Dated Her, We Freaking Were Disgusted.
 
Goat and Portman are sent to the Genetics Lab, Kid and Destroyer are sent to Dr. Carmack’s office, John is tasked we keeping his sister safe, and Duke and Sarge go to the weapons lab to make sure all the weapons are secured.
 

Oh And Lots Of Hallways Like This So…..You Imagine How Annoying That Is Going To Be For Me To Recap This Movie
 
Portman and Goat are weirded out by some of the shit in the Genetics lab like a still beating heart in a tube.
 

Oh and we get….
 

MONKEY JUMP SCARE!!!!!
 
More animals like dogs show that this place is definitely not above testing animals.
 

I’m Sure This Place Gets Lots Of Love From Animal Rights Groups
 
They also find a room where they keep prisoners in a hole with electrified walls.
 

Sarge and Duke arrive at the armory and Sarge tries to get the BFG (Bio Force Gun), but access is denied for him. Duke asks about John and Samantha and Sarge says that they were on Mars as their parents were researchers here and an accident killed the parents. Basically, Samantha chose to follow in her parents footsteps while John did not. Duke then asks if she is single and Sarge gives him a look that tells Duke to just back off any ideas he has in his head.
 
As John and Samantha are doing their part to get Samantha’s research, we see a skeleton of a mother protecting her child and we learn that they reopened the dig, which pisses off John as the archeological dig was where their parents died in the accident. Samantha says it is safer now, but John is still upset about it. Samantha then shows that the skeleton has 24 chromosomes instead of the usual 23 that humans have. Apparently this chromosome makes these people from Mars superhuman (no disease or genetic disorder whatsoever) which makes Samantha wonder why they still died. We also find out that the earlier remains had 23 chromosomes so this extra chromosome may have been synthetic.
 
So I guess this is the time to mention the major problem with this movie as an adaptation of the video game is there is no Hell. Yes, someone somewhere decided that we cannot have a movie where we have people fighting demons from Hell. That is made even worse as one of the people is casted as a Hell Knight from the game, despite there being no Hell. Why on God’s green earth would you do this????
 
But elsewhere, people see movement and go to see what it is. Goat and Portman see that there is something in Carmack’s office. It crashes through the ceiling and runs while everyone gives chase. They find that it is Carmack with the severed arm from earlier.
 

Samantha shows up and explains to everyone who it is. She tries to calm Carmack down, but Carmack rips out his own ear in fear. Sarge has Duke go with Samantha to the infirmary to take care of Carmack. The rest continue searching, knowing that there is more out there. Kid goes with Portman and knowing that Portman has drugs, asks for a pill to take the edge off. Portman is more than happy to give him the pills.
 

Goat is with John Grimm when Goat knocks a pail down the stairs accidentally. He says “God Damn It” and then cuts himself for saying the lord’s name in vain.
 

I Wonder If He Has A Whip In His Room For His Back That He Uses Every Night.
 
Meanwhile, Portman and Kid find a naked woman, which Portman is all too excited about. She tries to attack them and they have to kill her. They all see that she was putting blood on the wall that says “Suffer”.
 

This Entire Scene That I Have To Freaking Censor Is Only In The Unrated Version. You Did Not See This If You Were In Theaters For “Privates” Reasons. And Yes, She Was The One Who Was Missing The Arm.
 
Meanwhile, Samantha leads Duke, who is holding Carmack, into a room with a nano-wall.
 

Yep….Walls That Can Be Opened Into Rooms With The Push Of A Button And Then Reclosed Back Into A Wall
 
Duke hates them, but for duty, he is the first one to go in the room. Duke and Samantha (plus an unnamed nurse) put Carmack on a gurney. The nurse we find out is the wife of one of the missing. Carmack tells Samantha to shut it down, although we don’t know what he wants shut down. Meanwhile, John and Goat enter the Genetics Lab and find most of the animals have been eaten by something. They find a scientist who bites the head off one of the rats.
 

That scientist charges at them with a blade and they have no choice but to shoot his ass.
 

They ID him as Dr. Olsen and tell the others that they had to shoot him for trying to attack them. We go to Sarge and Destroyer where Destroyer notices noises above the ceiling in the air ducts. They open a door to the air ducts and Destroyer checks to see what was up there.
 

JUMP SCARE MONKEY STRIKES AGAIN!!!!
 
Unfortunately for the monkey, you don’t jump scare guys with freaking guns as they will shoot the damn air duct, killing your ass.
 

The unnamed nurse notices something in Dr. Carmack’s blood.
 

Samantha is wondering what is happening to him and we see that Carmack is transforming.
 

As Goat and John are leaving the Genetics Lab, something else drops down from the ceiling and it runs as the two try to shoot it. They have to follow it into the sewers. Meanwhile, unnamed nurse leaves to go be with her daughter. Then suddenly Carmack just disappears.
 

This Is Why You Have Someone Watch Over Him
 
Back with everyone now in the sewers, they find a jacket and it belonged to Steve Willits, who just so happened to be the husband of the unnamed nurse from a few minutes ago. We have a brief moment of their worry for Portman, but Portman just so happened to fall into a hole under the water.
 

Damn…..
 
Sarge then yells at everyone to watch their footing. They split up with Goat on his own, John with Kid, and Portman with Sarge (Destroyer earlier was made to watch the exit on his own). Kid tells John about how they both lost their parents although his parents abandoned him. John grabs Kid and sees that his pupils are dilated.
 

Yeah, John Isn’t Happy That Kid Is High
 
Goat gets attacked.
 

John shows up and kills the monster and the rest find Goat injured.
 

They take Goat back to the atrium and into the med bay. Sarge also has someone evacuate everyone to the Ark. They try to save Goat, but he dies.
 

Sarge sees that Carmack is gone and is not happy that he just disappeared. Oh and he demands to know what this monster is.
 

Samantha is aghast at seeing the creature and has no idea where the monster came from. John explains that is not what he and Goat shot in Genetics Lab, which means there are more creatures and Sarge sends Destroyer, Portman, and Kid to a pressure door near the end of the north corridor. He tells Mac to arm Pinky with a weapon and some grenades, while sealing the Ark door. John and Samantha reveal that there is one more door which is the entrance to the archeological dig. Pinky is not happy getting armed as he is not a soldier.
 
Samantha does a dissection of the creature that John killed and we get a bit of talk between her and Duke. Samantha says that John was empathetic before joining the RTS and Duke has only Destroyer as family as they grew up together. Samantha tells Duke to get her a power bone saw because a simple scalpel will not open the creature’s hard exteriors.
 

Sadly This Bone Saw Is In Another Movie Because As We All Know When It Comes To Anything, “Bone Saw Is Ready!!!”
 
Sarge tells everyone (including Mac) that they are going back through the air lock. Portman wants back up, but Sarge is insistent that they are the back up and that the Ark is sealed. Meanwhile, the lights flicker in the infirmary so Samantha goes out to check on Duke. Duke shows up with the bone saw and we get a pissed off dog.
 

Man, That Better Not Be Man’s Best Friend. No Cat Is Safe With That Beast Around
 
But the dog isn’t the threat.
 

This Here Monster Sure Is Though
 
It chases Samantha and Duke into the infirmary and we find out what happens when only part of a creature gets through a nano-wall before it closes.
 

This Is Why Duke Hates Nano-Walls
 
Pinky gets told by Sarge that they are entering the archeological dig. As John goes through the area, we hear audio memories of when he and Samantha were kids and when their parents got killed in the dig accident. Why did we not see this in person and only heard it via audio, I have no idea.
 
Sarge finds the bodies of two of the scientist and says that they weren’t trying to stop something from trying to get, but were trying to stop something from getting out. Mac gets immediately killed.
 

DECAPITATION!!!!!
 
Sarge and John hear the attack and find Mac’s decapitated body. They see the monster and they chase it, but the creature alludes them. Sarge then tells Pinky through the intercom that if the creature comes to where Pinky is, he needs to destroy it with a grenade. Portman is against this as if he blows the creature up where he is, he will blow up their way off of Mars.
 
Meanwhile, Samantha is still doing a dissection on the beast that they killed. But while this happens, Goat comes out of his body bag.
 

You may think this will create an issue where they have to deal with a monstrous Goat, but Goat still has enough of himself still in the monster that he decides he would rather kill himself by running into the wall until he is dead.
 

Samantha makes the big revelation then that the monster is Steve Willets, also the husband of that unnamed nurse from earlier. Back with Destroyer and Portman, we see more of Portman complaining. Portman leaves, saying he has to take a dump, but what he really is doing is using a radio he has to call for backup, against the orders of Sarge.  
 

Meanwhile, we see that the Sarge has gone into the armory and used a severed hand to get the BFG that he wanted.
 

Or As He Calls It, The Big Fucking Gun
 
Meanwhile, Destroyer goes to the room where the electric holding pit is. The monster then throws Destroyer into the pit.
 

Destroyer and the beast have a fight in the pit, but sadly Destroyer is killed.
 

Also, for being a little shit, Portman gets killed as well.
 

Sarge finds Destroyer’s body and is saddened. They go to where Portman is and Sarge fires the BFG.
 

Ah Bullshit….That’s A Plasma Rifle. The BFG Blast Is Green.
 
Sarge, John, and Kid take Destroyer and Portman’s bodies to the infirmary and Duke is devastated. They explain that Goat was turning into a monster and killed himself before it could do so. Samantha also reveals that the two monster bodies they have are Dr. Willets and Dr. Carmack. Sarge is wondering what the people were doing up here to create this and Samantha says there must be an environmental or viral mutation that is causing all of this. Samantha says that this could be somehow reversable, but Sarge says it is irreversible and kills Carmack.
 

Sarge then demands that Kid and Duke find those other scientists’ bodies and make sure that they are dead. Both Sarge and John demand to know what Samantha was researching. She finally reveals the whole C24 research and that they tried it first on a death row inmate.
 

Sure…..Perfect Choice For A Test Subject
 
John calls this place hell even though it really isn’t. John wants to destroy this data, but Sarge says that is against their mission and he is about the mission. Samantha continues to download the data when Sarge gets news from Kid that one of the scientist bodies is missing. John gives his sister a radio to call for help if she needs it as he and Sarge go to find the body. Pinky tells through the intercom that something is coming through the door and despite being told that he should throws a grenade at it, Pinky decides to run instead.
 

Which Means The Creature Has Come Through
 
Quarantine has failed so they need to get all the weapons they can and then go back through the Ark. John goes to save Samantha as she is not answering her radio. John finds Samantha who is just fine and then says that she believes that the C24 can somehow choose who is inherently good or bad and it reacts to that. If you are inherently bad, you become a monster where if you are inherently good, you are just fine.
 

As Joe Biden Would Say, That Is A Whole Bunch Of Malarky.
 
John then realizes that Sarge is just going to kill everyone despite the fact that not everyone will become a monster. Sarge then tells Kid and Duke that they are going to kill everyone on the other side because quarantine failed.
 

They Then Go Back To The Other Side
 
When Duke gets there, Sarge has already killed almost everyone. 
 

They also find out that Portman made that audio calling for reinforcements so they need to speed up the slaughtering of the scientists. John and Samantha come by and realize that innocent people along with monsters are being killed. John tries to warn Sarge that not everyone is infected, but Sarge is not listening. He then tells Kid to clear the rest of the sector and then meet back. Duke also hates this, but he is willing to do the deeds. He stops when Pinky shows up pleading for him to stop.
 

Kid then finds the nurse from earlier with a whole punch of kids hiding. Samantha is still trying to convince Sarge that they don’t have to kill everyone, but Sarge isn’t having it, saying they have orders to contain this threat by any means necessary. John says they should evacuate the uninfected and then blow this place to hell, but Sarge says they have orders to protect the facility. John says they don’t have orders to kill innocent people, but Sarge says they have to stop anything from getting to the surface by any means necessary.
 

I See Rock Has Gone Back To His Nation Of Domination Days
 
Duke comes back with Pinky and calls him a chicken shit. Samantha checks and says there is no wound on him whatsoever, but Sarge is about to shoot him when Kid tells Sarge about a whole bunch of women and children that he found. Sarge is like he was supposed to clear that sector (aka kill anything that breathes), but Kid finally has had enough and says he will not kill women and children and tells Sarge to go to hell. Sarge then kills Kid on the grounds of mutiny
 

As they all stare each other down, Pinky has a gun and points it at everyone, telling them all to drop his weapon. Unfortunately, there is something behind Pinky and it kills him.
 

Dammit.....I Survived World War 2, But Some Bullshit On Mars Kills Me. 

The monster runs with Pinky’s body as Sarge, John, and Duke chase after it. Infected attack and Sarge shoots some of them dead. Unfortunately, there is too many so they have to withdraw. Duke then gets dragged through the floor vent and killed.
 

Sarge also gets dragged away and presumably killed.
 

The nano-wall that the activated and had problems closing finally closes. But because it closed as John was shooting, a bullet ricochets and hits John. John grabs his sister and they barricade themselves in a room as John is bleeding to death. John says they wont have long before they get through and Samantha decides on an insane idea. She is going to inject her brother with the C24 and because she thinks John is an inherently good person (even though he has admitted that he has done some terrible things as a soldier), she thinks he will be superhuman and not a monster.
 

Well turns out her intuition is correct and we end up getting the only part of this movie that feels any part like Doom.
 

Where We Go First Person And John Kills A Bunch Of Demons, Including Demon Pinky With A Chainsaw. And Yes….It Is Worth 19 Pictures Of Awesomeness.
 
But it ends and we are back to everything else. We also see a giant ass hole from the BFG which can only mean one thing.
 

Sarge Is Still Alive
 
John also finds his sister unconscious.
 

Sarge is now talking about all of them going back to the surface and John suspects that Sarge is a monster.
 

Yeah, He Is A Monster
 
Sarge tries to shoot him with the BFG, but misses and John chases Sarge into the atrium. Sarge has this moment.
 

Sarge: Semper Fi, Mother Fucker
 
And thus the real battle begins with superhuman John vs. infected Sarge.
 

And For A Final Fight Scene, This Is Pretty Damn Good. Sadly Though, It Would Be A Better Fight Scene If It Was Better Lit
 
In the middle, we see Sarge is officially a monster.
 

John sees that the portal to the Ark is open and activates the transporter to send Sarge back to Mars.
 

Then when the portal is ready to open again, John sends one of those grenades to kill Sarge and blow up most of the Mars atrium.
 

John goes up the elevator with Samantha and the movie ends with John telling his sister that they are almost home.
 

So how did this movie do. Well critically, it was pretty damn panned with Roger Ebert saying that “Doom is like some kid came over and is using computer and won’t let you play”, and the only positive thing Kim Newman of Empire Magazine could say is it wasn’t as bad as Resident Evil: Apocalypse (ironically Razaaq Adoti (who played Duke) was also in that movie). As far as box office goes (which was this movie’s main goal), it did even worse as it is a box office bomb, making only $58 million despite its $60-70 million budget. Even the actors were not fans of the finished film with Rosemund Pike expressing embarrassment as she did not familiarize herself with the source material and The Rock even making fun of it while at the 2008 WWE Hall Of Fame (inducting his father and grandfather) when talking about his failure of Doom to compensate for him making fun of John Cena for being in The Marine.
 

The One John Cena Might Not Have Been Happy About
 
So what happened to the cast and director after this movie. Well, the director of this movie Andrzej Bartkowiak followed this movie up with another movie based on a video game, which was somehow even worse.
 

I Am Going To Say This Until The Day I Die, The Only Positive Thing I Can Say On That Movie Is That Because There Are No Monsters In It, I NEVER Have To Induct This Movie Into Monster Crap. Thank God For That.
 
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (who played Sarge) would do fine for himself with plenty of other movies and is one of the most expensive movie stars today. Karl Urban (who played John Grimm) would also do fine as he would be in the Star Trek reboot movie series as Doctor McCoy, Billy Butcher in The Boys TV series on Amazon Prime, and my favorite, freaking Judge Dredd in Dredd.
 

I Don’t Care That It Bombed. I Want Another Judge Dredd Movie With Karl Urban As Judge Dredd
 
Rosemund Pike would also do fine for herself as she would get an Academy Award nomination for Best Actress for her role in Gone Girl.
 

And No Offence To Julianne Moore (Who I Did Like In “Still Alice”), But I Think Pike Should Have Won.
 
Deobia Oparei (who played Destroyer) would also be in Dredd as the doctor of Peach Trees. Ben Daniels (who played Goat) would be in Rouge One: A Star Wars Movie and in The Exorcist TV series (that lasted two seasons) as Father Keane. Richard Brake (who played the sleazy Portman) would become one of Rob Zombie’s go-to guys for his future films. Dexter Fletcher (who played Pinky) actually became a director when he had to freaking finish the Queen biopic Bohemian Rhapsody as director because its original director Bryan Singer got revealed to be a deviant shithead and had to be fired (but because of Director’s Guild guidelines, Singer was still the credited director for that movie). Dexter also was the director of Eddie The Eagle and the Eagle and the Elton John biopic Rocketman. I believe I have mentioned all that Doug Jones (who was in monster makeup costumes along with Brian Steele and Blanka Jarosova) so I don’t have to mention what success he had afterwards.
 
No deaths to mention for this induction so let’s get to my final thoughts. Doom is not the worst video game adaptation movie ever made and with it’s good effects, decent cast (although given little to work with), and some good moments, this would probably get a recommendation from me if this movie was not named Doom or had any affiliation with the video game. But that is the main problem because it does and banks off of the Doom franchise. And with that, the several points where they miss the idea of the game (no Hell, seriously?), the poor script that does a disservice to the cast, and some of the BS stuff that you have to accept like that whole C24 crap, this movie is not good. In fact, I left the theater (yeah, I was one of the minority who saw this in theaters) feeling just the same way and extremely let down. Doom is sadly a movie that probably should hit with a BFG.
 
So now that the Summer of Bob is over and now I have to get to my next induction. It is time to do an induction with the late Tom Sizemore. I did a poll and which movie did you all choose for me?

Time To Go Back To The 90s.