I did say that this was a great year for movies, but as with life...nothing is perfect. As always, I can't watch every terrible movie or I might as well be a sailor considering how foul I would be with my mouth. So here is what I didnt see.
* Blonde
* Bones And All
* Either of the two 365 Days Movies that came out (I didnt see the first one)
* Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets Of Dumbledore
* Hocus Pocus 2
* Minions: Rise Of Gru
* Prey For The Devil
* Samaritan
* The 355
* The King's Daughter
* The Mean One (despite my best efforts)
Now here are the 5 dishonorable mentions.
Now for the 25 worst.
Okay, I am tired of hearing how these films are good because every time I try to watch them, they are godawful. And I normally love horror anthologies, but if you make them terrible...I am going to respond with pure vitriol. Everyone in these films are terrible people and by 1999, I think we were fully coming into the DVD world. Also, if you want to make this VHS from 1999, use technology that was available in 1999. Shit that was in The Gawkers was not around in 1999. The only ones that was somewhat good was the Suicide Bid and Ozzy's Dungeon. The rest are just trash that you could call a mile away.
I've seen some bad Christmas Carol films and this one may be one of the worst. The spectacle for this film is gaudier than anything else and the whole thing seems rather trite. While the first song is good, everything afterwards is just groan inducing and the fact that this film feels longer than its 96-minute runtime. There are so many better Christmas Carols out there and you are better off watching those instead of this terrible attempt at it.
Yep....another Netflix film that is godawful. This film directed by a once good director in Judd Apatow and now, he makes long ass unfunny films like The Bubble. Every idea in this film should be good like a terrible film series that now is getting a new version in the time of COVID, and it was a really bad time to make a movie since if anyone got sick with anything, production was killed. But you can do this and at least be funny about it, but no..... we have OVER TWO FREAKING HOURS of unfunny stuff that at best only gives you a light chuckle and at worst, makes you want to bang your head into the wall. And this had a good cast and crew so they should have known better.
A24 and Alex Garland, how in the hell could you make something this much of a misfire. You know, I understand sometimes having criticisms of the world of men because quite frankly, there is a lot to criticize. Unfortunately, this film gets to the point of saying that every man out there is the worst person out there. Much like Bright two years ago, this film basically has a hammer and slams it to your head saying "Men Are Bad! Men Are Bad! Men Are Bad!" You want to like this film because of everything around it, but then it has to again hit you with that freaking hammer. Also, the acting is not that great so that hurts.
This is another case of a film I really wanted to like, and it started off so good with our lead getting some good stuff happening to her, but there is a mystery about what is going on. Unfortunately, his film falls apart when the revelations and then it even falls further when we have the revelations that this is a Dracula film (worst inclusion of Jonathan and Mina Harker ever as they are just groundskeepers who we find out are in on it and then disappear from the film). Oh, and then we get to the end with this bat joke that we all get immediately, but they STILL have to explain it.
You know, video game movies already have a bad reputation and then you go and make a horror movie with a fake video game, so we are already screwed as it was. In this one, you get a video game where you make choice and if you don't, well.... bad things happen. Basically, you learn they game has some cursed language that basically gives the game more power the more people are suffering and then we return to a beginning part of the story and instead of teaming up with the guy who was cursed earlier, we find out he is an asshole, and he has to be killed. Then we also have this scumbag drug dealing landlord who also has to die. Heck, I would rather watch Stay Alive from 2006 than watch this piece of crap again.
Happy Madison Productions screws us again by taking a heartwarming story of a suspended NFL coach coaching his son's middle school team and turning it to a gross out "comedy" (I put that in quotation marks because this is not funny) with some very cliches. This film makes it seem like he was the head coach when he really was just the offensive coordinator for his son's team that year and they had to be terrible in this film when they weren't that terrible in real life. Oh, and then we get the gross out humor like the projectile puking that might be funny once, but when done over and over, the humor is gone. Just watch other films like the Mighty Ducks, the Sandlot, and so many other better sports movies.
Well, we end the new Halloween sequel trilogy once again with the worst one yet. For all the trailers, you promoted this epic fight between Laurie Strode and Michael Myers and what you ultimately end up is with a fight minute fight because instead, we spend most of the movie setting up this new Michael Myers like killer in Corey Cunningham (who beats Michael in a fight even) and then you kill him off as well before you do the final Michael Myers crap. Once again, we have so many asshole characters that you would prefer Michael just nuke this whole town. The only good thing was the ending where they do deliver in the death of Michael Myers where there should be no way he comes back. Other than that, just don't watch.
2022 was a world of films where we dealt with the lockdown in terrible ways. Here, we have a lockdown of a different type where all androids that are supposed to watch the humans basically decide at that moment that they need to keep everyone inside and never let everything in. And once again, this idea of people who can't stand each other being stuck in the same abode should have some funny ideas (heck, I've seen video games do this good), but instead we have in your face mugging and so much yelling that you just want to slap everyone. French filmmakers, quirky should not be me wanting to hit you with a frying pan.
I think we may need to stop making movies with Michael Myers and we definitely need to stop making movies with Leatherface because it seems filmmakers do not know what makes these character intimidating and just instead will make a cheap money grab with them. This time, it is Leatherface dealing with kids who bought a Texas town so they can make a "woke paradise". First of all, Austin, Texas would do it better with their idea of Keeping Austin Weird no matter what you did. Second of all, this is supposed to be the same Leatherface from 1979 so he is an older bastard than you portrayed him as. Third, the line about threatening a chainsaw wielding killer with a freaking line about cancelling them, is just so groan inducing that I legit had to go bang my head on the wall. And finally, you pissed on the memory of Marilyn Burns by bringing her character back a few years after the actress dies, only to make her a terrible character who gets killed anyway.
What a boring film that we had to deal with here. Mickey Rourke is barely in it and while it is supposed to be in Germany's Black Forest and the only way they can make you pretend this is the Black Forest is to make it extremely dark that you have a hard times seeing things (which is a problem for a freaking movie), But while World War II is going on for this mission, there are witches in these woods and these are just the witches that like to jump around and maybe kidnap people. The only thing that saves this film from even being worse is the gore that is practical. If you want films that deal with the supernatural and Nazism, you are better off with Overlord.
Sony is still trying to get another Spiderverse character to be a hit and like so many before, it failed. Whether it be horrible CGI, a godawful script, or Jared Leto not giving ten shits, Morbius is an exercise in trying to keep Spiderman relevant, which while Spiderman is relevant himself, none of the supporting characters are at this point with Venom the only one that makes money despite being terrible films. We tried with the Sinister Six again and we tried with the anti-hero schtick and none of it works. We should have all been warned of this film when it was getting delay after delay before eventually being dumped in April. But not only is this film terrible, but this film has a unique failure not seen before as not only did it flop in theaters, it flopped a second time because the filmmakers thought the Morbin Time meme was good enough to try again.
Netflix continues with the crap as they decided that they need to release another horror comedy with Marlon Wayans because that so worked before with A Haunted House 1 & 2 and Scary Movie 2 (I liked Scary Movie 1). This time we have the interesting idea of all of the Halloween decorations coming to live and causing mayhem, but sadly is saddled with unfunny dialogue and characters that all deserve to get killed by the decorations (no such luck). Sadly along for this ride is Kelly Rowland, Nia Vardalos, and Rob Riggle who make this crap even worse. But sadly, that is to be expected from the director of such crap like Fantasy Island (the horror film), Kick-Ass 2, and dear god help me, Truth or Dare.
We saw a French film on this list and now we see a German film with this boring garbage about rich adopted people who are given pills that they find out have fungus in them that is mined from a dead body so the rich can fulfill the wishes of some ancient demon in return for the continuing to be the elite. This film tries so damn hard to be like a Jordan Peele film but does not have the talent to do so. Once again, I would like to that the crap shovelers at Netflix for dropping this film on me. Again, this is why I try to be very picky in my viewing because if I do not, I get garbage like this that stains my eyes.
Oh Rob Zombie...even when you are gifted a piece of property that you obviously love (Dragula, anyone?), you still end up making a piece of garbage that has none of the charm that the original series because you wanted to do an origin story just so you can do more stuff in Transylvania and want to do stuff like Nosferatu and a werewolf uncle (no Eddie Munster here). I may be in the minority, but the only time this movie got interesting is when they went to LA and started to be the fish out of water there....and then the film ends. The Munsters was so bad that no company would release this film in theaters and was ultimately released in Netflix so we can only blame Netflix for finally showing us this and that's it because obviously this was supposed to be in theaters from all the talk. Don't give Rob anything else and he is better off being a musician.
What would happen if you were kidnapped in your own home? Apparently, it makes for a terrible film as we have a rich asshole who is stuck in a wheelchair who for one night, finds some strange with a girl. Unfortunately, that girl happened to have been stalking him and planning to steal all his money and other shit. And the terrible appearances in this film by both John Malkovich and Frank Grillo do not help as they are utilized horribly for this film. So much bullshit happens that you have to put your head up your own ass to buy that this can all happen, and no one would be caught whatsoever until the end.
I am amazed at how terrible this sequel/prequel was because the original R.I.P.D. made my top 25 worst of the year when that film came out....and yet I would 100 times watch that film over this film. Basically, you decide that you like the Jeff Bridges character so much that you make a film about how he became a member of the R.I.P.D. with huge problems like in the original, he said he never had a partner here because the last partner he had is why he is in the R.I.P.D. (aka his partner killed him) and in this movie, not only does he have a partner (who is revealed to be Joan Of Arc in a reveal EVERYONE saw coming), but when we get to when he got killed, he ends up getting killed by accident by some guy who he never met before. That doesn't even get into the actual film where we deal with Richard Brake again being in a terrible film and most of it feels rather plodding.
Sid Haig's second to last film is a complete trash heap that makes me dread how his last film will be. Basically, we have a guy who kidnaps a girl he likes for the sheer plan of killing her and making it look like a suicide. It gets even worse when people keep butting in and they all get killed and of course, none of this gets reported. The biggest failure of this film is the writing of our lead who is made to be a horrible and unlikable human being who has no redeeming qualities nor is written all that well at all. And then we have to try and make this funny, but it fails in all attempts at humor.
Dammit Disney, just stop remaking your animated classic movies into unwatchable live action films. This will never work and at this point, it is becoming clear that you are going to start losing money from this crap. In fact, this year was so bad for Disney that they basically said to Bob Iger, "Please Come Back as Our CEO....PLEASE!!!" Robert Zemeckis has gone from a great director at doing live action and animation to a complete hack with his need for CGI and motion capture. Tom Hanks has a terrible accent and even when we get to simple stuff like calling Monstro a whale, we can't even do that right because it isnt a freaking whale unless there is a whale with tentacles. All you can say to explain this movie in one scene is Pinocchio going to a pile of horseshit and smelling it, being happy as he smells it.
Yep, another horror remake to add to the pyre of terrible horror remakes. For some reason, some people saw the remake to It and decided we need to remake all of Stephen King's past books into films classics and Firestarter is probably one of the most laughable since it really isn't a classic. This film was so bad that like Pinocchio, the studios had to dump it on their streaming service because they would lose more money putting it in theaters and trying to market it. I'm going to be honest, I wasn't a fan of the original Firestarter film, but even I can say that film is Citizen Kane compared to this one where our little girl is terrible, the CGI is terrible, the pacing is terrible, and oh yeah, the villain is just someone you want to just fucking go away. Of course, Blumhouse would find some way to be in our worst of the year list because they have to be in both the best and worst of the year list, no matter what that says.
Talk about shit being awkward as in December, I was so prepared to eviscerate former Madden cover player Peyton Hillis for acting in this ridiculously boring werewolf film that tries to have a reveal of twins with one good and one being the werewolf (except that is the only outcome that would make any sense, so you know that is what is going on). But Peyton Hillis decided to be an actual heroic dad in saving his kids from drowning (I'm being my curmudgeonly self; glad he saved his kids) and now he is in the hospital recovering (get well soon) so I really can't eviscerate him to hard even those his acting was terrible here. But I will see the CGI is awful and everyone else in the film is also terrible and they don't get no saving grace like Hillis does.
Oh, Alicia Silverstone....it has been a long time since I had to talk about you and to be quite honest, I kind of enjoyed that time not talking about you. Let's just say that you have not gotten any better as an actress. This film is the laughable idea of a honeymoon bungalow getting lost at sea and through her character and her character's husband being dumbasses, the bungalow gets smaller and making things worse is the fact that there are killer sharks who are hungry. The CGI for the sharks and the storm are really bad and the way she kills the shark is so laughable that I may have busted a gut doing so because it is so stupid. Even Sharknado is more believable than this film.
The bullshit is bigger in Texas with this killer shark film that basically feels like a Jaws ripoff with 1/100th of the budget for stuff like effects, acting, script, directing......basically everything. If you want to know how this shark got here, it got here because some dumbass decided to dump the body of a dead shark (that had been dead for hours) in the lake and that dead shark just so happens to give birth. Let's get into how almost impossible that is with a dead body giving birth because even Avatar 2 apparently did that as well, but all of the corruption is only believable because we know how terrible Texas politics are as it is. Oh, and there is not a lot of shark action to begin with so we have to follow our leads and it is surprising that someone like Neil Breen had nothing to do with this film.
So terrible and forgettable of a film that I forgot that this should have been nominated for the GINO because it does involve aliens. Basically, three friends hang out at a cabin after COVID quarantine and of course, there is something extra-terrestrial that takes over one of them in a sort of body snatcher horror film with none of the talent. Well, I can't say no talent as it takes real talent to make a movie that is one hour and two minutes seem like it is THREE HOURS, but alas Old Strangers does that. I'm sorry there is not more to say, but that is what I have to deal with.
Bull Shark may have been one of the worst Jaws ripoffs I have ever seen and Old Strangers may have had the unique talent of feeling so long despite being relatively short, but this film Lockdown.....this film is so terrible that I was legit offended watching it. In this film, COVID-19 has gotten so bad that it is post-apocalyptic and even the dumbass rednecks now wear masks (except when they don't because you can't see their face for films). While IMDB says this film was released in 2021, they never say a date and Rotten Tomatoes does say a date of February 1, 2022, so I am going to buy what Rotten Tomatoes is saying. Basically, rednecks led by Kevin Nash have decided that the reason this virus has gotten as bad as it has is because of the homeless people (who have holed up in an abandoned high school) and because one of the homeless is the lead character's sister, he tries to stop them. Sometimes you have such a movie that is made where you even wonder if they even know how the thing that causes the apocalypse and sadly, this film is that bad. Fuck this film and I will never see it again. Heck, if I even hear this director make another movie, I am staying far away from it.
Now that all of that is finished, it is time to start work on the induction of the GINO Award Winner. Let's see what you chose for me to suffer through.
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