Saturday, January 21, 2023

Monster Crap February 2023 Induction Poll: Albert Pyun Month

Late last year, we were told that cult movie director Albert Pyun passed away. And in that time, I promised I would memorialize him with an induction of one of his movies and you all get to decide which movie it is. Here are the choices. 

The Sword & The Sorcerer (1982)
Albert Pyun's First Ever Film That He Would Direct Becomes A Cult Classic With An Evil King Defeating A Good King, A Sorcerer Betrayed And Who Wants Vengeance, And The Good King's Son Who Has No Desire For The Throne But Does Want To Get Laid

Alien From L.A. (1988)
A Valley Girl Who Ends Up In The Literal Underworld (A World That Is Actually Underground), But Unfortunately...Some People Thought Model Kathy Ireland Was Good Enough To Be The Lead And A Lead For Years To Come. This Movie Proved Otherwise. 

Cyborg (1989)
Because Of Cannon's Fall, A Planned Masters Of The Universe Sequel Ultimately Turned Into It's Own Movie With Jean Claude Van Damme In The Lead As A Mercenary (Or Slinger As The Film Calls Him) Who Wants Revenge On The Man Who Killed His Lover And That Man Wants A Cyborg To Help Him Create A Monopoly By Having The Cure For The Plague That Caused This Apocalypse

Captain America (1990)
This May Surprise You, But Captain America: The First Avenger Was Not The First Captain America Film That Was In Theaters As In 1990, 21st Century Film (Nothing To Do With 20th Century Fox) Released A Captain America Theatrical Feature That Is So Bad...You May Want To Forget It Was Ever Made (Or The 70s TV Movies For That Matter That Have Nothing To Do With This Film)

Dollman (1991)
Remember When I Inducted A Film Called Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys. Well, Here Is The Original Where Brick Bardo Comes To Earth To Take Out The Floating Head Of His Greatest Enemy. Only Problem Is Because Their Planet Was Small, They Are Actually Tiny When They Come To The Bigger Earth And Brick Also Has To Deal With An Evil Gang Leader Played By Jackie Earl Haley.

Nemesis (1992)
Kickboxer Olivier Gruner Stars As A Cybernetically Enhanced Cyborg Hunter Who Is Tasked With Killing His Former Lover Who Now Leads An Underground Militant Group. However, Nothing As It Is Seems As There May Be A Synthetic Conspiracy Going On Within His Own Organization. Probably The Best Of The Series And Definitely The Least Nudie Of The Series. 

Adrenalin: Fear The Rush (1996)
The Stars Highlander And Species Work Together As Cops In Eastern Europe As It Is In Disarray And They Must Stop A Biological Monster That Has Superhuman Strength And Speed As It Is Killing People...And If It Is Not Killed, It Will Spread A Deadly Virus That Is Already Causing Havoc, Basically Killing Everyone. 

Omega Doom (1996)
Rutger Hauer Plays A Former Evil Cyborg Who Has Now Decided To Save A Town Run By Two Evil Robot Gangs By Playing The Two Against Each Other (Not Hard To Do As They Are Already At War). It's Basically A Rip-Off Of Yojimbo And A Fistful Of Dollars, But You Replace Toshiro Mifune Or Clint Eastwood With Rutger Hauer. Japan Or The US-Mexican Border With A Destroyed City, And Rival Gangs Of Humans With Rival Gangs Of Robots. Also, It Isnt As Well Done As The Other Two.

Poll Ends January 28 at 12 AM ET

Wednesday, January 18, 2023

My Top 25 Worst Movies Of 2022

I did say that this was a great year for movies, but as with life...nothing is perfect. As always, I can't watch every terrible movie or I might as well be a sailor considering how foul I would be with my mouth. So here is what I didnt see.

* Blonde
* Bones And All
* Either of the two 365 Days Movies that came out  (I didnt see the first one)
* Fantastic Beasts: The Secrets Of Dumbledore
* Hocus Pocus 2
* Minions: Rise Of Gru
* Prey For The Devil
* Samaritan
* The 355
* The King's Daughter
* The Mean One (despite my best efforts)

Now here are the 5 dishonorable mentions. 

Christmas Bloody Christmas

Cosmic Dawn

Dual

The Man From Toronto

Uncharted

Now for the 25 worst. 

25. V/H/S/99
Okay, I am tired of hearing how these films are good because every time I try to watch them, they are godawful. And I normally love horror anthologies, but if you make them terrible...I am going to respond with pure vitriol. Everyone in these films are terrible people and by 1999, I think we were fully coming into the DVD world. Also, if you want to make this VHS from 1999, use technology that was available in 1999. Shit that was in The Gawkers was not around in 1999. The only ones that was somewhat good was the Suicide Bid and Ozzy's Dungeon. The rest are just trash that you could call a mile away. 

24. Scrooge: A Christmas Carol
I've seen some bad Christmas Carol films and this one may be one of the worst. The spectacle for this film is gaudier than anything else and the whole thing seems rather trite. While the first song is good, everything afterwards is just groan inducing and the fact that this film feels longer than its 96-minute runtime. There are so many better Christmas Carols out there and you are better off watching those instead of this terrible attempt at it. 

23. The Bubble
Yep....another Netflix film that is godawful. This film directed by a once good director in Judd Apatow and now, he makes long ass unfunny films like The Bubble. Every idea in this film should be good like a terrible film series that now is getting a new version in the time of COVID, and it was a really bad time to make a movie since if anyone got sick with anything, production was killed. But you can do this and at least be funny about it, but no..... we have OVER TWO FREAKING HOURS of unfunny stuff that at best only gives you a light chuckle and at worst, makes you want to bang your head into the wall. And this had a good cast and crew so they should have known better. 

22. Men
A24 and Alex Garland, how in the hell could you make something this much of a misfire. You know, I understand sometimes having criticisms of the world of men because quite frankly, there is a lot to criticize. Unfortunately, this film gets to the point of saying that every man out there is the worst person out there. Much like Bright two years ago, this film basically has a hammer and slams it to your head saying "Men Are Bad! Men Are Bad! Men Are Bad!" You want to like this film because of everything around it, but then it has to again hit you with that freaking hammer. Also, the acting is not that great so that hurts. 

21. The Invitation
This is another case of a film I really wanted to like, and it started off so good with our lead getting some good stuff happening to her, but there is a mystery about what is going on. Unfortunately, his film falls apart when the revelations and then it even falls further when we have the revelations that this is a Dracula film (worst inclusion of Jonathan and Mina Harker ever as they are just groundskeepers who we find out are in on it and then disappear from the film). Oh, and then we get to the end with this bat joke that we all get immediately, but they STILL have to explain it. 

20. Choose Or Die
You know, video game movies already have a bad reputation and then you go and make a horror movie with a fake video game, so we are already screwed as it was. In this one, you get a video game where you make choice and if you don't, well.... bad things happen. Basically, you learn they game has some cursed language that basically gives the game more power the more people are suffering and then we return to a beginning part of the story and instead of teaming up with the guy who was cursed earlier, we find out he is an asshole, and he has to be killed. Then we also have this scumbag drug dealing landlord who also has to die. Heck, I would rather watch Stay Alive from 2006 than watch this piece of crap again. 

19. Home Team
Happy Madison Productions screws us again by taking a heartwarming story of a suspended NFL coach coaching his son's middle school team and turning it to a gross out "comedy" (I put that in quotation marks because this is not funny) with some very cliches. This film makes it seem like he was the head coach when he really was just the offensive coordinator for his son's team that year and they had to be terrible in this film when they weren't that terrible in real life. Oh, and then we get the gross out humor like the projectile puking that might be funny once, but when done over and over, the humor is gone. Just watch other films like the Mighty Ducks, the Sandlot, and so many other better sports movies. 

18. Halloween Ends
Well, we end the new Halloween sequel trilogy once again with the worst one yet. For all the trailers, you promoted this epic fight between Laurie Strode and Michael Myers and what you ultimately end up is with a fight minute fight because instead, we spend most of the movie setting up this new Michael Myers like killer in Corey Cunningham (who beats Michael in a fight even) and then you kill him off as well before you do the final Michael Myers crap. Once again, we have so many asshole characters that you would prefer Michael just nuke this whole town. The only good thing was the ending where they do deliver in the death of Michael Myers where there should be no way he comes back. Other than that, just don't watch.

17. Bigbug
2022 was a world of films where we dealt with the lockdown in terrible ways. Here, we have a lockdown of a different type where all androids that are supposed to watch the humans basically decide at that moment that they need to keep everyone inside and never let everything in. And once again, this idea of people who can't stand each other being stuck in the same abode should have some funny ideas (heck, I've seen video games do this good), but instead we have in your face mugging and so much yelling that you just want to slap everyone. French filmmakers, quirky should not be me wanting to hit you with a frying pan.

16. Texas Chainsaw Masscre
I think we may need to stop making movies with Michael Myers and we definitely need to stop making movies with Leatherface because it seems filmmakers do not know what makes these character intimidating and just instead will make a cheap money grab with them. This time, it is Leatherface dealing with kids who bought a Texas town so they can make a "woke paradise". First of all, Austin, Texas would do it better with their idea of Keeping Austin Weird no matter what you did. Second of all, this is supposed to be the same Leatherface from 1979 so he is an older bastard than you portrayed him as. Third, the line about threatening a chainsaw wielding killer with a freaking line about cancelling them, is just so groan inducing that I legit had to go bang my head on the wall. And finally, you pissed on the memory of Marilyn Burns by bringing her character back a few years after the actress dies, only to make her a terrible character who gets killed anyway. 

15. Warhunt
What a boring film that we had to deal with here. Mickey Rourke is barely in it and while it is supposed to be in Germany's Black Forest and the only way they can make you pretend this is the Black Forest is to make it extremely dark that you have a hard times seeing things (which is a problem for a freaking movie), But while World War II is going on for this mission, there are witches in these woods and these are just the witches that like to jump around and maybe kidnap people. The only thing that saves this film from even being worse is the gore that is practical. If you want films that deal with the supernatural and Nazism, you are better off with Overlord. 

14. Morbius
Sony is still trying to get another Spiderverse character to be a hit and like so many before, it failed. Whether it be horrible CGI, a godawful script, or Jared Leto not giving ten shits, Morbius is an exercise in trying to keep Spiderman relevant, which while Spiderman is relevant himself, none of the supporting characters are at this point with Venom the only one that makes money despite being terrible films. We tried with the Sinister Six again and we tried with the anti-hero schtick and none of it works. We should have all been warned of this film when it was getting delay after delay before eventually being dumped in April. But not only is this film terrible, but this film has a unique failure not seen before as not only did it flop in theaters, it flopped a second time because the filmmakers thought the Morbin Time meme was good enough to try again. 

13. The Curse Of Bridge Hollow
Netflix continues with the crap as they decided that they need to release another horror comedy with Marlon Wayans because that so worked before with A Haunted House 1 & 2 and Scary Movie 2 (I liked Scary Movie 1). This time we have the interesting idea of all of the Halloween decorations coming to live and causing mayhem, but sadly is saddled with unfunny dialogue and characters that all deserve to get killed by the decorations (no such luck). Sadly along for this ride is Kelly Rowland, Nia Vardalos, and Rob Riggle who make this crap even worse. But sadly, that is to be expected from the director of such crap like Fantasy Island (the horror film), Kick-Ass 2, and dear god help me, Truth or Dare. 

12. The Privilege
We saw a French film on this list and now we see a German film with this boring garbage about rich adopted people who are given pills that they find out have fungus in them that is mined from a dead body so the rich can fulfill the wishes of some ancient demon in return for the continuing to be the elite. This film tries so damn hard to be like a Jordan Peele film but does not have the talent to do so. Once again, I would like to that the crap shovelers at Netflix for dropping this film on me. Again, this is why I try to be very picky in my viewing because if I do not, I get garbage like this that stains my eyes. 

11. The Munsters
Oh Rob Zombie...even when you are gifted a piece of property that you obviously love (Dragula, anyone?), you still end up making a piece of garbage that has none of the charm that the original series because you wanted to do an origin story just so you can do more stuff in Transylvania and want to do stuff like Nosferatu and a werewolf uncle (no Eddie Munster here). I may be in the minority, but the only time this movie got interesting is when they went to LA and started to be the fish out of water there....and then the film ends. The Munsters was so bad that no company would release this film in theaters and was ultimately released in Netflix so we can only blame Netflix for finally showing us this and that's it because obviously this was supposed to be in theaters from all the talk. Don't give Rob anything else and he is better off being a musician. 

10. Shattered
What would happen if you were kidnapped in your own home? Apparently, it makes for a terrible film as we have a rich asshole who is stuck in a wheelchair who for one night, finds some strange with a girl. Unfortunately, that girl happened to have been stalking him and planning to steal all his money and other shit. And the terrible appearances in this film by both John Malkovich and Frank Grillo do not help as they are utilized horribly for this film. So much bullshit happens that you have to put your head up your own ass to buy that this can all happen, and no one would be caught whatsoever until the end. 

9. R.I.P.D. 2
I am amazed at how terrible this sequel/prequel was because the original R.I.P.D. made my top 25 worst of the year when that film came out....and yet I would 100 times watch that film over this film. Basically, you decide that you like the Jeff Bridges character so much that you make a film about how he became a member of the R.I.P.D. with huge problems like in the original, he said he never had a partner here because the last partner he had is why he is in the R.I.P.D. (aka his partner killed him) and in this movie, not only does he have a partner (who is revealed to be Joan Of Arc in a reveal EVERYONE saw coming), but when we get to when he got killed, he ends up getting killed by accident by some guy who he never met before. That doesn't even get into the actual film where we deal with Richard Brake again being in a terrible film and most of it feels rather plodding. 

8. Suicide For Beginners
Sid Haig's second to last film is a complete trash heap that makes me dread how his last film will be. Basically, we have a guy who kidnaps a girl he likes for the sheer plan of killing her and making it look like a suicide. It gets even worse when people keep butting in and they all get killed and of course, none of this gets reported. The biggest failure of this film is the writing of our lead who is made to be a horrible and unlikable human being who has no redeeming qualities nor is written all that well at all. And then we have to try and make this funny, but it fails in all attempts at humor. 

7. Pinocchio
Dammit Disney, just stop remaking your animated classic movies into unwatchable live action films. This will never work and at this point, it is becoming clear that you are going to start losing money from this crap. In fact, this year was so bad for Disney that they basically said to Bob Iger, "Please Come Back as Our CEO....PLEASE!!!" Robert Zemeckis has gone from a great director at doing live action and animation to a complete hack with his need for CGI and motion capture. Tom Hanks has a terrible accent and even when we get to simple stuff like calling Monstro a whale, we can't even do that right because it isnt a freaking whale unless there is a whale with tentacles. All you can say to explain this movie in one scene is Pinocchio going to a pile of horseshit and smelling it, being happy as he smells it. 

6. Firestarter
Yep, another horror remake to add to the pyre of terrible horror remakes. For some reason, some people saw the remake to It and decided we need to remake all of Stephen King's past books into films classics and Firestarter is probably one of the most laughable since it really isn't a classic. This film was so bad that like Pinocchio, the studios had to dump it on their streaming service because they would lose more money putting it in theaters and trying to market it. I'm going to be honest, I wasn't a fan of the original Firestarter film, but even I can say that film is Citizen Kane compared to this one where our little girl is terrible, the CGI is terrible, the pacing is terrible, and oh yeah, the villain is just someone you want to just fucking go away. Of course, Blumhouse would find some way to be in our worst of the year list because they have to be in both the best and worst of the year list, no matter what that says.

5. The Hunting
Talk about shit being awkward as in December, I was so prepared to eviscerate former Madden cover player Peyton Hillis for acting in this ridiculously boring werewolf film that tries to have a reveal of twins with one good and one being the werewolf (except that is the only outcome that would make any sense, so you know that is what is going on). But Peyton Hillis decided to be an actual heroic dad in saving his kids from drowning (I'm being my curmudgeonly self; glad he saved his kids) and now he is in the hospital recovering (get well soon) so I really can't eviscerate him to hard even those his acting was terrible here. But I will see the CGI is awful and everyone else in the film is also terrible and they don't get no saving grace like Hillis does. 

4. The Requin
Oh, Alicia Silverstone....it has been a long time since I had to talk about you and to be quite honest, I kind of enjoyed that time not talking about you. Let's just say that you have not gotten any better as an actress. This film is the laughable idea of a honeymoon bungalow getting lost at sea and through her character and her character's husband being dumbasses, the bungalow gets smaller and making things worse is the fact that there are killer sharks who are hungry. The CGI for the sharks and the storm are really bad and the way she kills the shark is so laughable that I may have busted a gut doing so because it is so stupid. Even Sharknado is more believable than this film.

3. Bull Shark
The bullshit is bigger in Texas with this killer shark film that basically feels like a Jaws ripoff with 1/100th of the budget for stuff like effects, acting, script, directing......basically everything. If you want to know how this shark got here, it got here because some dumbass decided to dump the body of a dead shark (that had been dead for hours) in the lake and that dead shark just so happens to give birth. Let's get into how almost impossible that is with a dead body giving birth because even Avatar 2 apparently did that as well, but all of the corruption is only believable because we know how terrible Texas politics are as it is. Oh, and there is not a lot of shark action to begin with so we have to follow our leads and it is surprising that someone like Neil Breen had nothing to do with this film.

2. Old Strangers
So terrible and forgettable of a film that I forgot that this should have been nominated for the GINO because it does involve aliens. Basically, three friends hang out at a cabin after COVID quarantine and of course, there is something extra-terrestrial that takes over one of them in a sort of body snatcher horror film with none of the talent. Well, I can't say no talent as it takes real talent to make a movie that is one hour and two minutes seem like it is THREE HOURS, but alas Old Strangers does that. I'm sorry there is not more to say, but that is what I have to deal with. 

1. Lockdown (aka COVID-19: Invasion)
Bull Shark may have been one of the worst Jaws ripoffs I have ever seen and Old Strangers may have had the unique talent of feeling so long despite being relatively short, but this film Lockdown.....this film is so terrible that I was legit offended watching it. In this film, COVID-19 has gotten so bad that it is post-apocalyptic and even the dumbass rednecks now wear masks (except when they don't because you can't see their face for films). While IMDB says this film was released in 2021, they never say a date and Rotten Tomatoes does say a date of February 1, 2022, so I am going to buy what Rotten Tomatoes is saying. Basically, rednecks led by Kevin Nash have decided that the reason this virus has gotten as bad as it has is because of the homeless people (who have holed up in an abandoned high school) and because one of the homeless is the lead character's sister, he tries to stop them. Sometimes you have such a movie that is made where you even wonder if they even know how the thing that causes the apocalypse and sadly, this film is that bad. Fuck this film and I will never see it again. Heck, if I even hear this director make another movie, I am staying far away from it. 

Now that all of that is finished, it is time to start work on the induction of the GINO Award Winner. Let's see what you chose for me to suffer through.

Really??? That Is Definitely A Choice You Made.

Friday, January 13, 2023

My Top 25 Favorite Movies In 2022

Like I said in my GINO poll, 2022 was really a great year for movies and this list was not easy to make his year and there are plenty that I had to change their position as I really thought about it. So here are films I did not see this year. 

* Aftersun
* Avatar: Way Of The Water
* Eo
* Girl In The Picture
* Great Freedom
* Happening
* Lingui, The Sacred Bonds
* Lunana: A Yak In The Classroom
* Neptune Frost
* No Bears
* Official Competition
* Puss N' Boots: The Last Wish
* Saloum
* Terrifier 2
* The Duke
* The Innocents
* The Quiet Girl
* The Whale
* The Woman King
* Till
* To Leslie
* Utama

So let's get to the 5 films that missed out.

A Christmas Story Christmas

Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

Breaking

Clerks III

The Fabelmans

Now here are the Top 25 Favorite Movies of 2022.

25. Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero
An enjoyable movie that does what the original Dragon Ball Z series should have done after the Cell Games, which is focus on Gohan and not keep focusing on Goku. The Gamma twins were enjoyable seeing a new form of Piccolo was awesome. Pan is also enjoyable too and I'm always glad to see the return of the Red Ribbon Army. Why is this film not higher? Well, Cell Max was a huge disappointment and Dragon Ball Super: Broly was definitely a better movie. 

24. Apollo 10 1/2: A Space Age Childhood
Richard Linklater gives us a film that once again hits you in your childhood even if you were still just a sperm in your dad's balls. It mixes a child's dream about being the first child on the moon in a mission that will never officially exist and the real life world. Despite all the bullshit that has been going on with streaming services these days, I am somewhat willing to deal with the bullshit if movies that would probably never been allowed to exist get made. 

23. Cyrano
Peter Dinklage is excellent as the master of words who is in love with a woman, but yet has so much self loathing of his looks that he could never ask her out himself so instead he helps another suitor that respects him woo her with Cyrano's words because her happiness is what is most important to him. It also has one of the most tear-jerking songs I can think of with "Wherever I Fall" as everyone on the front line of a battle knows they are going to die. It might not be for everyone, but as a man who enjoys the arts, I can appreciate this film.

22. Hellbender
I'm not going to lie to you, but this is probably one of the more stranger entries in my Favorites list. A film that stars a wife and daughter and is directed by the husband, this is a family affair of a family band. It is about a mother and daughter who have supernatural powers as they are witches who can also play music and do private concerts for themselves as the film goes on. The mother also wants to keep her daughter from doing too much magic as black magic makes you more evil. This is definitely a film that will not be for everyone, but I like unique films like this. 


21. The Bad Guys
Man, when I saw the trailer to this movie, I was so unsure if this was going to be good because it looked like several of Dreamworks other mediocre films, but somehow this ended up being great. The Big Bad Wolf leads a team of heist experts as they plan their best heist yet. With great characters (my favorite being the grouchy snake) and enough subversion of expectations to build a house, this is definitely one of those kids films that you will enjoy as an adult too. Oh and considering this was very successful, you just know a sequel is in the works which I am glad for. 

20. Marcel The Shell With Shoes On
Another interesting film, but unlike Hellbender...this one is more heartwarming. It's a fake documentary about a talking seashell with shoes on and his grandmother living in a house and being spotlighted by the house's owner. Originally, this was a series of shorts that the filmmakers and actors decided that they should make into a full feature film with the animation being done by the well known Chioda Brothers and their studio. Jenny Slate is great as a sweet pure seashell with shoes on who stars along with his grandmother in these interviews in hope that maybe he can find the rest of his family. It is adorable and definitely has heart up the wazoo. 

19. Nope
This is probably Jordan Peele's weakest of three films, but it is still a great film about a UFO (and no aliens besides the UFO...you'll understand when you see the movie). Let's just say when the first thing you see is a chimpanzee with blood on it, you know you are in for something fucked up. Helped by a really good cast like Daniel Kaluuya, Keke Palmer, Steven Yeun, and Michael Wincott as well as a brief appearance by Keith David, this film really is something that is a bit out of the box for everyone involved, including its director. 

18. The Sea Beast
For such a generic title and the trailer not looking that great, this should just be a run of the mill animation film that plagues streaming services because studios know they can't do well in theaters. But you need to put all those terrible expectations and put them in the trash because you are dealing with one of the co-directors of Moana and Big Hero 6. And that is not to disrespect the cast as you have a bunch of character actors doing voices for these characters. Also, if you really think this is just a simple sailors vs monster movie, you would be completely wrong. 

17. Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery
I laugh at the mouth breathers who still try to call Rian Johnson a hack for his directing of Star Wars: The Last Jedi and how harder it is getting for them after Knives Out and Glass Onion, but they are still trying. Daniel Craig as Benoit Blanc returns in a new mystery that takes on the whole capitalist asshole world after taking on the world of greedy people who want an inheritance of someone who actually did something. Like The Sea Beast, not everything is as it seems although with a murder mystery, that is more expected. While not as good as Knives Out, Rian Johnson has found a good detective character that will probably be in more films and may even survive a change in actor if Daniel Craig at some point gets tired of playing him. 

16. The Outfit
Ah.....the joys that can come even from the world of tailoring if you get the right director, the right cast, and a great freaking story. Mark Rylance continues to be great as he can switch between a proper gentlemen who would never think of hurting people to a criminal who will do anything and use anyone to make sure nothing bad happens to him or his business. Chicago in the 1950s is perfect for this world of corruption where shit hits the fan at a freaking custom tailor shop and oh yes, shit does indeed hit the fan. 

15. All Quiet On The Western Front
Germany gives us an adaptation of one of the best World War I books ever written with All Quiet On The Western Front and it is brutally honest about how this war was waged. No side was really good in this war and the only people who were just victims of the war were the poor souls who had to do battle on the frontlines while most of the higher ups were far away from the combat. There are several characters we follow in this film and the only ones that make it out alive are the ones who are far away doing freaking negotiations to end this war. It is a long film and there are a few on this list, but unlike Avatar 2, you could watch these long ass films from the comfort of your own home so you won't have to do things like eat, sleep, or take a bathroom break, something James Cameron has no sympathy for.

14. Guillermo Del Toro's Pinocchio
There is a reason I had to be specific about which Pinocchio I am talking about as there were THREE Pinocchio movies that came out this year and 2 of them sucked, including the DISNEY REMAKE (we'll get to that in our worst of the year). This film deals with Geppetto needing a kid to replace the kid that was tragically killed by a bomb that was just dropped because of the Allied Powers having idiots at times. The child is definitely one who is completely like a child who was just created and knows next to nothing about the world around him, which is really bad when you consider this is Fascist Italy with Mussolini. Oh and Academy Award winning actress Cate Blanchett voices a freaking monkey that doesn't does not speak and makes noises.

13. The Black Phone
This felt a lot like The Girl In White which is why it isn't higher, but that still does not mean that The Black Phone was a bad film at all. In fact, it was a great film that definitely will make you remember to the old saying from your parents to "Never Talk To Strangers", especially ones in masks and creepy vans. Here we follow a kid who becomes the newest kidnapped kid of the Grabber (who we can obviously guess throughout the film killed the other kids he kidnapped) and how he is going to get out of this situation before time runs out for him with a mysterious black phone that isnt hooked up and the voices of past victims. This film really rests on two actors in the kid (Mason Thames) and the evil Grabber (Ethan Hawke) with his really creepy mask that can be taken at the mouth part to change expressions, and it works so well while the kid's sister (who has psychic dreams) is trying to search for him. Oh and Marvel, this is what Scott Derrickson did instead of Doctor Strange And The Mouth Of Madness because your dumbasses kept interfering with his vision. You deserved the terrible 2022.

12. X
There will be two camps as far as this series goes. Those that preferred this film or those that preferred the prequel Pearl that was released a few months later. I preferred this film (although Pearl wasn't terrible whatsoever) as the creepy vibes of the crazy horny old woman (Mia Goth (the lead actress who is just as good as Maxine, a character that you would expect a 60s-70s pornstar to look like) in old person makeup) really make this film completely unsettling. Oh and it doesn't help the creepy horny old lady that there are a few adults who decide to secretly make a porno film in a barn that was rented out to them by her husband, who knows about his wife's craziness and is 100% complicit in it. Ti West was always a director you could normally count on to make something creepy and different than what you are used to and this film with a 1960s setting is no exception. 

11. Violent Night
I think this film is destined to become a new Christmas classic as we have David Harbour as a drunk and bitter about the world Santa Claus who is just making his rounds on Christmas Eve when he just so happens to stumble on a freaking hostage situation by bad guys with festive codenames led by a man with the codename Scrooge played by John Leguizamo (who had a hell of a 2022 himself with this and a later film on this list). Unfortunately for the bad guys, this Santa Claus has a past as a guy who killed people for fun before he became Santa. Santa just massacres guys the hard way and yet still has that Christmas spirit when helping out a little girl who still believes in Santa. You ever want to see what happens to a guy who isnt Santa is he went up a chimney the way Santa does? Well, you are most certainly going to. The gore is wonderful and I had a lot of fun watching this. As far as some stuff happens with magic, Santa says it best, "It's magic, even I dont really know how it works."

10. Turning Red
Well, I better get my shields ready for all the hatred that I am going to get for this film being so low on my list. Yes, this is easily Disney and Pixar's best film of 2022 (which isnt a huge bar considering how bad Disney and Pixar did this year). It also deals with girls who at first we all thought were going to be annoying, but get better throughout the film the more you follow them. Basically, our main character grows up to a certain age that now has to deal with perhaps transforming into a giant red panda (adorable creatures they are) if she is in a state of high emotion. This is also Canadian and deals with a popular fake boy band so just go from there. Now I know there was a bit of a controversy from some conservative party poopers because this film had the "temerity" to be a kid's film that is an allegory to the "disgusting" act of having your first period. As you can guess by my name calling and quotation marks, I have no problem with Turning Red being this allegory because whether you like it or not, it is something that girls of a certain age are going to deal with so better to prepare them when they are young before it happens than to just wait and you know, have to explain it to them while they are in complete hysterics.

9. Belle
Surprise....I didnt even think Turning Red was the best animated film of 2022 (shields are being raised higher). We instead start off with the first film I actually saw in 2022 and I have to say this film was amazing. Director Mamoru Hosoda goes back to a virtual world like the one that he created with Summer Wars. This time though, it deals with a shy girl who likes to sing (but can't do it in public) who enters this world and the place discovers that she has a beautiful voice. This allows her avatar that she named Belle to become a celebrity and suddenly, she finds out that this world has a beast so is so enraged that he destroys things out of anger. Yes, I do know this has a lot of elements of Beauty and the Beast, but it is a beautiful version of this story and there are definitely some huge differences in the story (not just with the setting). The singing and the relationships with characters can bring a tear to your eye and thus, this film gets the higher rank for me. 

8. The Batman
Finally, a Batman detective story with a better version of the Riddler than whatever Jim Carrey did in Batman Forever. Robert Pattinson is pretty good as a really dark Batman who wants to clean up the streets his way with violence, but not killing. Oh and when I say violence, I mean he will beat the shit out of you if you try to rob someone. The Riddler is more of a serial killer who leaves riddles that Batman definitely has to unravel and maybe have to save Gotham. Catwoman is pretty good too, as is James Gordon, Carmine Falcone, and Alfred Pennyworth. Colin Farrell is unrecognizable as Oswald "Penguin" Cobblepot thanks to the makeup and the accent. There are some problems like the whole final act (yeah, the movie isnt over after Riddler is caught), Riddler's ultimate goal, and of course Robert Pattinson as Bruce Wayne (his Batman is good, but he is not the playboy Bruce we are used to at all).  

7. The Menu
What happens when a world renown chef (played perfectly by Ralph Feinnes) who has a private island and cooking crew at his beck and call, just basically goes completely mad with despair with the way most of his customers are as well as the food industry and he decides that he is going to go complete scorched Earth with those people he despises? Well, you get Mike Mylod's black comedy The Menu. Unfortunately for one character played by Anna Taylor-Joy, she was not originally supposed to be here and she is a definite wild card in the chef's plan and she has to work her way to surviving as everyone else (who is as corrupt as hell) is obviously going to die....and eat food beforehand. This film definitely should get some Oscar buzz for just how enjoyable it is to watch these horrible customers get their just desserts (pun totally intended). 

6. Barbarian
You want a horror film that sees all those expectations you have of this film and basically says "well fuck you", look no further than Barbarian. Two people get double booked into an Air B&B and one of them played the new Pennywise himself, Bill Skarsgard so you probably can guess what happens. Well, if you do, you are going to be proven DEAD wrong about 45% into the movie. And of course Justin Long is in this who pretty much plays Justin Long, except he is more of a Hollywood predator who is about to get his ass cancelled as someone is Me Too-ing his ass. And that's not even to get into the actual shit that is going on which I really can't say because it is a freaking spoiler. Basically, always be careful at the Air B&B you are staying in because you are still in a place you are not completely familiar with and there may be some unwanted surprises waiting. 

5. Top Gun Maverick
There are so many of these movies that have been made more than 20 years after the original and they normally really suck (Coming 2 America, Tron: Legacy, Dumb & Dumber To, Independence Day: Resurgence), but here is a great freaking movie that came long after the first...even several years after the original director committed suicide. We get the continuation of Maverick's adventures where he is brought back to the Top Gun program as a teacher to teach a new group on a top secret mission against the enemy that is going to be very hard to do. While I may not be a huge fan of them not bringing back Kelly McGinnis due to bad reasons, Tom Cruise did do one right thing and made sure this film needed to use real fighter pilot action (no CGI). And the new characters are great as well including Rooster, the son of the late Goose who has history with Maverick. I would so recommend watching this film as it is definitely a worthy follow up to the first, even after years of not happening and then being delayed due to COVID.

4. The Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent
Nicolas Cage is freaking awesome and I appreciate a film that just makes Nic Cage just be Nic Cage, but turned up to 11. Nic Cage needs money and he has to take an appearance at a rich man's birthday party to make ends meet. This rich guy turns out to be Nic Cage's biggest fan and he has several props from actual Nic Cage films. Then we start to wonder if this biggest fan is actually a crime lord who has taken to ransom kidnappings or if he is innocent of all of that. Pedro Pascal is great as the huge fan and we have great action as well as craziness goes abound. This may have been a box office bomb sadly, but Nic Cage has been such a good sport about all of this parody of his acting choices that you can't help but love this. 

3. Prey
This Top 3 was REALLY HARD to ultimately decide and for a long time, Prey was my #1 choice because of bias since it is an awesome kind of prequel to Predator with this film happening centuries before the original Predator. But ultimately, I just had to put it at #3 because it doesn't take as many risks as the top 2. Amber Midthunder is great as a Comanche woman who wants to hunt like the guys do despite being looked down upon by her male counterparts for being a woman who wants to do what is normally supposed to be something guys do. The Predator in this film feels perfect as he to kill as many things that could be considered threats (the fight with the bear is freaking awesome). We also have evil French hunters who are perfectly dispatched in gruesome ways. And once again, the way the Predator is dispatched feels earned. 

2. RRR
I want to be perfectly honest here. I am NOT a fan of Bollywood films because they are most of infuriatingly long and are not entertaining. However, when one of these is as awesome and takes so many risks as RRR takes, you just cannot help but love it. This film is about two characters during the British rule of India who are on opposite sides as one is a undercover officer who wants to be considered elite by the British and the other is a tribe's guardian who has been dispatched to rescue a little girl who had been stolen by the head British administrator and his wife, who are viscous in many ways. They become friends and we find out that the ambitious officer is also not as they seem. The action is great (even with okay CG which you can excuse because the animals have to be CG for what they do in the film) and I swear to god, I am going to be EXTREMELY UPSET if Naatu Naatu does not win Best Original Song at the Oscars. 

1. Everything Everywhere All At Once
I saw this film in March and ever since then, this film was NEVER outside of the Top 2 as far as I was concerned. This film that deals with one woman in multiple universes who has to save them from all being destroyed by another character's alternate universe version and her "Everything Bagel". Everyone in this film is great and it is life affirming to see that the actor who played Short Round in Indiana Jones In The Temple Of Doom gets a renaissance with his role as the main character's love interest in most universes. Oh and they even made a great parody of Ratatouille with Raccacoonie who you so much want to see get all the love. So many of the other universes are so great and you are okay being there (including the one where everyone are just rocks with eyes). And finally, because of this film dealing with multiverses so well and being successful with their risks, I went from absolutely looking forward to Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness to well, not really looking forward to it because no matter how good it could be (it was mediocre), it was not even going to be as close as good as this film because Disney and Marvel can't afford to take the risks that will be great if successful that something like Everything Everywhere All At Once can do and does so brilliantly. 

And that is my Top 25 Favorite Films of 2022. Now next time, I do what you all want me to do which is rank my Worst of 2022 list. That list will have been a lot easier to do this year because oh boy, we have some stinkers.