Monster
Crap Inductee: Thirteen Ghosts
Crap
In A Glass House
2001
Let’s
talk about William Castle.
William
Castle was a great horror filmmaker who knew how to make films successful while
on the cheap during the 1950s and 1960s and one of the easiest ways he did so
was he created gimmicks that made an idea of going to see your movie instead of
what was playing a good idea. His very first idea was to give patrons of his
first movie Macabre a $1,000 life insurance that he would pay with the help of
life insurance kings Lloyds Of London if you just so happened to die of fright
during his movie. You may consider it small money, but in the 50s, $1,000 was
pretty decent, considering movie tickets were less than a dollar at that time.
He then had stuff like a skeleton flying across the screen during The House on
Haunted Hill, buzzers on the back of your seat during The Tingler, a fright
break where you could leave and get a refund if you were too scared to continue
(but you would have to get a Coward’s Certificate) in Homicidal, and other such
stuff. Unfortunately this was during the time where one movie would be shown
per day and the movie would get passed around so he and his business partners
could prepare these contraptions so if you are wondering why it isn’t done
today in the age of multiplexes and multiple showings per day, that is why.
But
one of the movies he made was a little film called Thirteen Ghosts and it also
had a gimmick of you would get glasses so you could see the ghosts because
without them, you might have a hard time seeing them.
Now
let’s jump ship passed when William Castle passed away in 1977…all the way to
the year 1999 and one of William Castle’s classics The House On Haunted Hill
would get a pretty good remake, thanks to it being directed and produced by
fans of the original who were also competent in their own right like Robert
Zemekis (producer), Joel Silver (producer), and William Malone (director). While
critics may have hated the movie, the movie made a profit and is considered a
1990s cult classic and just recently got a great blu ray in 2018 by Scream
Factory that fans love since the transfer is great.
But
we aren’t talking about that film here. Instead, just 2 years later….Robert
Zemekis and Joel Silver decided that one again, we should remake another
William Castle film with Thirteen Ghosts. Unfortunately, they could not get
William Malone to be the director once again and this time settled on a guy who
mostly directed commercials in Steve Beck. As far as the cast goes….we got some
decent people like Tony Shalhoub (who was just off the cult classic Galaxy
Quest), Embeth Davidtz (who was the love interest in Bi-Centennial Man, a movie
that nearly killed Robin Williams), and F. Murray Abraham (who was the
antagonist in the Academy Award Winning film Amadeus). It also has some people
from Monster Crap past.
First
we have Matthew Lillard….
Speaking
of first roles, the other person from Monster Crap that stars in this is
Shannon Elizabeth as her very first movie role was in 1997’s Jack Frost.
We
also have other people like Jacob Rupp (who was in Final Destination 3),
Charles Andre (who was in The Fog remake), Xantha Rapley (who was in The Fog
remake), and while uncredited…Ken Kirzinger.
With
all that out of the way, let’s get to the movie itself.
We
begin this movie in a junkyard in the middle of the night.
And
We Get Our Title Card….Although The “Ghosts” Is Shining It’s Light On Me.
Thank
God I’m Not A Mogwai
Suddenly,
this junkyard with lots of police tape is set upon by a truck and people
working for a man named Cyrus Kriticos.
His
head subordinate here is a man named Dennis Rafkin.
Just
So There Is No Hard Feelings, I Don’t Hate Matthew Lillard. He Honestly Was A
Cool Guy When I Met Him And Got His Autograph. It Just Didn’t Work Out When
They Tried To Put Him In Any Theatrical Film In The Late 90s-Early 2000s They
Could Get Him For Besides Scream. It Happens…
Anyway,
he has psychic power and feels the presence of this ghost and knows it has
killed more people since his death. He tells Cyrus they should get out of here,
but Cyrus refuses. He then points Cyrus to where this ghost is that he is
looking for and yeah….
You
Can Tell By The Editing That This Was Directed By A Guy Who Only Directed Music
Videos Before This.
Cyrus
has them bring in the cube, which is this movie’s version of a ghost trap.
Dennis
touches Cyrus and sees some stuff from later in the film.
Cyrus
gets mad at him and tells him not to get too curious into his affairs. His crew
captures two trespassers named Kalina and Damon.
They
think what Cyrus is doing is wrong and Kalina says they shouldn’t be caged
since they are human beings. Dennis corrects her by saying they are dead human
beings and tells her that she should join Green Peace and throw blood on old
women’s fur coats. Damon tells him he will never pull this off without the
right spell and the thirteenth ghost. This is of course news to Dennis who says
they were only contracted to catch 12 ghosts, but Cyrus tells Dennis he said 12
and then one more afterwards….making fun of Dennis for not seeing this lie
coming. He then tells his men to release the bait, which is a truck spraying
blood.
Cyrus
then puts on his special glasses.
Yeah,
Something They Kept From The Original Film Was The Glasses Needed To See The
Ghosts.
Cyrus
then has then men playing recordings of incantations and before long, people
start getting killed by this ghost.
We
then finally see this ghost.
He
kills more people, but is eventually caught in the cube.
Unfortunately,
there are some major deaths like Damon dying.
Also
Cyrus got killed.
We
then go to Cyrus’ nephew Arthur and his wife Jean as they watch kids Kathy and
Bobby play.
Then
through sound effects of a fire and screaming (I guess they didn’t have the
budget for an actual house fire) that Jean died in a fire and Arthur is now
living in an apartment with the kids and is in massive debt.
Oh
and the kids also have a live in nanny named Maggie Bess.
I
guess we have to talk about Rah Digga (who plays Maggie). She was a longtime
member of a group called The Flipmode Squad, which was led by Busta Rhymes. She
is considered one of rap’s most prominent and skilled female MCs….and if you
want to know my knowledge of the rap game, I had honestly never heard of her.
So I won’t say much more because if I did, you probably would call me not cool
at all.
Sorry…
Bobby
apparently has a strange fascination with deaths that are on the newspaper.
Also, despite being the live in nanny, Maggie is a terrible cook. Suddenly,
they are visited by a lawyer named Benjamin “Ben” Moss, who apparently
represented Cyrus.
Arthur
is informed of the death of his uncle Cyrus and that Cyrus left his whole
mansion to Arthur with no need to pay any of the bills for the place. Oh and
they play a message of him saying he regrets he didn’t spend more time with him
and his family.
Yeah,
Technology Really Has Gone A Long Way Since 21 Years Ago.
They
go to the mansion (while we also see Kalina packing up for something) and the
mansion is….unique to say the least.
Yeah….I
Don’t Know About This Glass House With Writings All Over It. For One Thing…Not
Much Privacy Considering The Lawyer Said Cyrus Was A Very Private Person.
There
is apparently a electrician who needs to look at the circuit boards of the
place since the house is apparently causing power outages in the “whole
tri-state area”.
Obviously,
This Is Just Dennis In A Terrible Disguise
Ben
tries to send this electrician on his way, but Arthur lets him in since he does
own the house now. When Arthur puts in the key, we notice that the house has
some strange mechanism. The family, the lawyer, and the “electrician” look over
the place. Arthur tells his family not to leave this room with the spinning
floor until he and Ben go over the papers for the property.
Yeah,
They Don’t Listen At All And Go Exploring
Arthur
then tells Ben that he wants to know the circumstances to owning this place
since they are not in the best way financially. Ben assures Arthur that the
place is all paid for and there are no problems that he will meet on the
financial end. Meanwhile, Dennis is in the basement and he notices that the
basement is where the ghosts are locked up.
Here
Are Some Of Them That You Can See Clearly Without Flashing BS
We
go to Bobby, Kathy, and Maggie as they look upstairs and now decide to split
up. Also, Arthur is about to sign the papers, but he is stopped by Dennis, who
reveals who he really is. Ben then tries to tell Arthur that Dennis is just
some crackpot who stalked his office. Arthur has a hard time believing Dennis’
whole spiel about ghosts and all. Dennis warns Arthur to get his family and get
out of this big glass house. Dennis starts convulsing as he sees spirits and
Arthur touching him makes it worse as he sees Jean getting burned in the fire
(which will be extra important later). Oh and somehow, Ben disappears.
Back
upstairs, both Kathy and Bobby choose their rooms while Maggie finds one of
those special glasses, which she gives to Bobby. Then we see Ben going down the
stairs and putting on the glasses to taunt the ghosts so whatever Cyrus plan
was, Ben is fully in on. We then see some other ghosts that we haven’t seen
before like this kid ghost with an arrow through his head and this naked redhead
ghost with cuts.
Or
That May Be Blood Drenched All Over Her Hair
Ben
enters a room with a strange giant contraption that we’ll see layer and grabs a
suitcase full of money.
Of
course he doesn’t realize that suitcase was booby trapped and now the whole
house and doors start moving on their own.
Unfortunately
now everyone is locked in as the doors to the outside are now closed and
locked. Ben is weirded out by all of this and soon sees that the ghost whose
tits he liked is now out.
Yep…Going
To Have To Get The Black Box Out Again
He
backs away as this woman of course has a knife and he gets split in two by the
doors closing on him.
Cool
Kill, But I Really Don’t Know About The Effect. Part Of It Looks Practical And
Part Of It Looks CGI. Maybe It Could Be Both.
Arthur
and Dennis are now looking for the kids and the nanny as of course, they didn’t
do what Arthur told them to do. Now Bobby is looking around on his own with his
scooter and since Kathy doesn’t have the glasses, she doesn’t know that the
bloodied ghosts with cuts is in her bathroom.
We
also see the giant machine that I was talking about earlier.
Kathy
then runs the bath that the ghost is already in.
Too
Late To Apologize Now Movie. Also, Yeah...That Black Box Might Not Have Been Required, But Better Safe Than Sorry.
Before
anything too weird (or sexy) can happen, Arthur comes barging in, upset that
his daughter didn’t listen to him. Kathy says Bobby is with Maggie, but Maggie
says he was with her and is now on his own as she lost him.
Maggie
Should Be Fired As She Is A Terrible Nanny
A
door to leading to the main floor opens up and a voice beckons Bobby to come
down. Another voice tells Bobby not to
go downstairs, but Bobby doesn’t listen to that ghost and while he has the
glasses on, doesn’t see this hanging ghost.
Arthur
then tells Kathy and Maggie that he will find Bobby, but the two of them need
to get out of this house. Oh, and now Arthur realizes that they are locked in
so no chance of leaving the house. Arthur tries to break the glass, but the
glass is shatter proof. Dennis shows up and tells them it is no use and he has
tried to find a way out, but there isn’t one. Arthur tells Dennis he needs to
come with them as while he doesn’t know what is going on, but until he does,
Dennis isn’t leaving his sight.
Meanwhile,
Bobby finds the hanging ghosts and runs, but he then finds a ghost that has
been cut to parts.
Bobby
runs, but he eventually runs into a door being shut.
He
gets waken up by the ghost of his mom.
Yep….She
Is One Of The Ghosts Here.
Bobby
then sees Cyrus’ ghost and he is taken away.
Dennis
warns the family that the entire basement is filled with ghosts and the two
ladies are having just as much of a problem believing this as Arthur is. While
walking, Maggie notices some strange glowing writing on the floor. When Dennis
gets the glasses and looks, he says the writings are incantations used so
ghosts can’t pass them. Arthur is about to go downstairs, but Dennis stops him
by again reminding him that there are ghosts down there. Arthur doesn’t give a
damn as he cares more about looking for his son. Arthur then tells Dennis that
he will pay him whatever Cyrus owes him if he helps him and his family (all of
them) get out of here. Dennis agrees to that.
In
the basement, Arthur wants them to split up. Arthur and Kathy go one way while
Dennis and Maggie go another way. We follow Maggie and Dennis and we see
another ghost.
I
Gotta Admit, The Look Of This Ghost, The Look Of The Head & Torso Ghost,
And The Look Of The Ghost That Is Naked And Cut Up…..They Look Pretty Awesome
So Obviously This Movie Used Practical Effects At Times.
They
leave, but not before Dennis flips off this ghost with the spikes.
With
Arthur and Kathy, they find Bobby’s recorder and the glasses. Kathy puts on the
glasses and gets attacked by this ghost with his head in a cage.
Arthur
doesn’t know what is going on as all he sees is his daughter getting scratched
up and stuff. Thankfully, Kalina arrives and chases the ghost away with flares.
They
are able to get Kathy away and a door closes to stop the caged head ghost from
following.
Kalina
introduces herself and explains she is in the business of freeing trapped souls,
which was what Cyrus did with 12 of them. Arthur wonders what she is doing here
and Kalina says that it looks like she is saving their ass. She has Kathy give
Arthur the glasses so he can see what was attacking his daughter and when he
sees it, he is shocked. Kalina calls this one of Cyrus’ victims and hopes the
barrier spell holds. Arthur wants to know how she got in here and Kalina says
she slipped in through an opening when the house was shifting, but don’t go
back since that is now closed.
Dennis
and Maggie though have to run away from the cut up naked ghost as she has a
knife. Back with the other three, Kalina shows them a book of the arcane and
that this whole house is a machine that holds ghosts and there must be thirteen
ghosts for the spell to be finished with there only being 12 ghosts right now.
Arthur does care about doing any of this and goes to talk to Kathy, but Kathy
just disappears.
We’ll
See Her Later
The
shifting house separates Dennis from Maggie, but not before Dennis gives Maggie
his glasses. Dennis then gets attacked by the screwed up ghost with the bat
that we saw a while ago.
Thankfully,
Dennis gets away and now that ghost is trapped again. Dennis also reunites with
Maggie after that brief separation. They go upstairs and they see the midget
mother and her giant baby, with the baby having a axe.
Oh
Come On, They Are Just Wanting To Axe A Question.
…
Waka
Waka
Kalina
gets up through a hole in the floor and has to get Arthur up as well before he
gets attacked by the ghost with spikes in him that just got released. They have
to run from the ghost with the caged head that scratches the shit out of
Arthur’s back.
What
A Heel!!!!
They
also have to run from a new ghost with a pillory.
Now
in the library, Kalina and Dennis yell at each other and it becomes revealed to
Arthur that one of the ghosts Cyrus has locked up in here (thanks to Dennis) is
Arthur’s dead wife.
Arthur
Rightfully Decks Dennis
After
more yelling, Kalina finally reveals all the ghosts that are here.
The
First Born Son
The
Torso
The
Bound Woman
The
Withered Lover AKA Jean
The
Torn Prince
The
Angry Princess
The
Pilgrimess
The
Great Child And The Dire Mother
The
Hammer
The
Jackal
The
Juggernaut
Yeah,
some of those images might look like they don’t match with each other, but that
is how this film presents it. Also, you can get more information on each ghost
on how they got this way, but you would need the DVD and quite honestly, if I
explained each of them…this induction would be way too longer than it already
is.
Basically
this whole house is a machine that opens the Eye Of Hell with these 12 ghosts,
with the user becoming the most powerful man in the world. Dennis then says
that Cyrus told him that he needs 13. Kalina then brushes that off in saying
the thirteenth ghost is only a failsafe, which they may need to stop this, which
is a willing sacrifice.
The
Broken Heart
Dennis
then basically says that this must mean that Arthur is the thirteenth ghost.
Basically Dennis needs to leap into the eye to short circuit it and stop the
whole process from happening. Maggie says that there must be another way, but
Kalina is insistent that the only way Arthur can save the lives of his children
is trade his life for theirs. Dennis then wants to find a different way, but
sadly he does not read Latin. Kalina then has another way, which is blowing up
the whole machine, but no one will live.
Dennis
and Arthur decide to go out to find Arthur’s kids while Kalina and Maggie go to
blow the place up. Arthur and Dennis of course take a piece of glass with
writing on it so they can block any ghost from killing them.
We
follow Maggie and Kalina and they find Ben’s body.
Dennis
and Arthur run into the Torn Prince, who tries to hit them several times with
his bat, but the glass repels his efforts.
Maggie
and Kalina enter the main controls of the machine. Cyrus’ ghost shows up and
Kalina knocks Maggie out with the book revealing she has been working with
Cyrus all along and killed Damon earlier.
A
Swerve Only Vince Russo Would Approve Of
And
I say that because this really makes no sense other than another reveal later.
She went through all that work with Damon and has all those explosives, and she
has been in league with Cyrus the whole time.
Oh
and apparently, you don’t need glasses to see Cyrus’ ghost as the two just
start making out like those glasses are pointless with him.
Folks,
I guess I better bring this up. In my opinion, every movie runs under its own
universe with its own rules and such so this whole thing about the Juggernaut
ghost from earlier still killing people like it is nothing years later was all
fine with me. But when you make rules in your own movie, there is one thing you
very much have to do and that is don’t break those rules because you were stuck
in a corner here. This movie, by having ghosts be seen without the glasses, did
that one thing you shouldn’t do. So now the whole suspension of belief for this
movie jumped right out of top floor of a building and went splat on the ground.
Back
to the movie, we also learn that Kalina was lying and the thirteenth ghost is needed
to complete Cyrus’ plan to control the Eye Of Hell so he needs Arthur to kill
himself by running into the eye (of course praying to the lord almighty that
one of the other ghosts doesn’t kill Arthur first). We see that Arthur only
cares about the spells via a recording as he yells at Kalina when he thinks she
doesn’t have them, but then calms down when he finds out she does.
We
see that Dennis has a vision and then we see that The Hammer sees them.
Dennis
then decides that he is going to put Arthur behind the glass in a corner and
sacrifice himself.
Saying
He Needs A Reason To Like Himself Before He Dies.
But
it isn’t only The Hammer who is going to kill him, but on the other end, The
Juggernaut gets released.
He’s
The Juggernaut, Bitch.
…
Yeah,
I’m Totally Cool
The
Hammer and The Juggernaut kill Dennis as Arthur screams for him not to die.
Cyrus
tells Kalina to put the kids in jeopardy when he hears that Arthur won’t
sacrifice himself until they are in jeopardy. Kalina is hesitant, but relents
to Cyrus’ demands. Cyrus plays the tape of incantations which brings all the
ghosts to the circle around the so called Eye Of Hell. Arthur sees his wife
before she is summoned to the circle as well.
Cyrus
and Kalina leave, but Kalina gets trapped and the walls start closing in. Cyrus
says that everyone needs to make sacrifices and leaves Kalina to get crushed by
the walls in an
In
An Unnaturally CGI Way
The
circle finally reveals the way it will kill someone if it tries to enter the
center as the center is shown to have Arthur’s kids tied up.
Arthur
puts on the glasses and sees all the ghosts in a circle.
As
the kids are begging for help, Arthur finally sees his uncle Cyrus, who he
doesn’t need the glasses to see.
Arthur
tries to attack, but his uncle kicks his ass. He then taunts him that he is
nothing compared to him and how he needs to embrace his purpose to become the
thirteenth ghost by jumping in the machine to protect his kids. But suddenly,
the incantation tape stops.
Yeah,
You Might Not Have Wanted To Leave Maggie In The Room With The Controls As She
May Decide To Try Some DJ Work With Them.
Now
that the ghosts are no longer in control, they go after the man who trapped
them in this place (Cyrus) and throw him into the eye so he gets chopped into
pieces.
With
the wrong guy jumping into the ring, the whole machine starts going haywire.
Dennis’ ghost shows up and tells Arthur that he needs to go rescue his kids
since the center of the eye is the safest place in this house.
The
machine starts destroying itself with Maggie in the center so you think she is
dead.
With
the ring starting to slow down, Arthur is able to jump into the ring to save
his kids.
With
them all in the eye, they are safe as the house is totally destroyed.
Most
of the ghosts go away to haunt other places as Arthur and the kids have not a
scratch on them from the house getting destroyed.
Yeah,
Considering All That Glass, That Is Hard To Believe. And The Scratches On Kathy Are
From The Jackal Earlier So They Don’t Count.
Arthur
and the kids get to say goodbye to Jean’s ghost as she goes to heaven.
No
Glasses Needed
Oh
and before this movie ends, we get one final BS moment as Maggie is revealed to
be still alive and says she quits.
And
thus this movie ends.
So
would there be more remakes of William Castle properties by this crew like
maybe The Tingler, Mr. Sardonicus, or I Saw What You Did (yes, I know there was
already a remake in 1988 to this one)? Not really because while this film did
make its budget back, it was still considered a financial disappointment and
since the reviews weren’t kind either, there really was no reason to continue
with this idea. But remake-sploitation would continue with companies like
Platinum Dunes basically making remakes as its business model before they
stopped.
As
far as the cast and director go, Steve Beck (the director) would direct one
more movie which would also be a box office disappointment so he went back to
doing music videos and never directed a feature film again.
Yeah,
I’d Call It A Career Too After This. And Just So You Know, I Have This Film On
DVD So Maybe I’ll Get Around To Doing That Induction Soon.
Shannon
Elizabeth (who played Kathy) would only be in two more horror movie Cursed
(which pissed people off that it was just a cameo despite trailers making it
seem she might have a bigger part) and the Night of the Demons remake before
deciding that she really doesn’t like being in horror movies. Matthew Lillard
(who played Dennis) lasted a bit longer in the limelight before he decided he
preferred doing the voice of Shaggy from the Scooby Doo cartoons. This would be
Rah Digga’s only feature film acting gig as after playing Maggie in this film,
she decided that acting wasn’t for her.
But
it wasn’t bad for everyone. F. Murray Abraham (who played Cyrus) has been doing
fine as he has enough of a career to survive something like this film. Tony
Shalhoub (who played Arthur) would keep doing character acting roles well and
eventually would get his big break by being in the hit TV show Monk.
Proof
That If You Work Long Enough And Well As A Character Actor, A Big Role That You
Can Sink Your Teeth Into Will Eventually Come
JR
Bourne (who played Ben) would keep getting roles as well and while it wasn’t
the starring role in a hit series, it would be a still important role in a hit
TV series as he was Chris Argent in the MTV series Teen Wolf, a dramatic
reinterpretation of that Michael J. Fox film that I still have no idea how it
became a hit.
He
Also Has A Niece Who Has Cystic Fibrosis So He Has Been A Huge Champion Of The
Cystic Fibrosis Foundation And Has Used This Role As A Platform To Raise Money
And Awareness To The Cause. I Know I Usually Am Negative On People, But I Take
Back All My Feelings On Teen Wolf Because If It Helps Him, That Is Great.
And
there is one more person who was able to succeed after this although this one
is kind of a big deal to Canadian TV viewers. And that person is Craig Olejnik
(who played The Torn Prince) as in 2009, he would become the lead in the hit
Canadian TV Show The Listener.
From
Torn Prince To Listener, Sometimes You Get Lucky
No
deaths so we can get to my final thoughts on this movie. For a quick watch, it
is fine despite that moment where you lose all suspension of disbelief. But
from an analytical perspective, this is not a good movie. The CG is really bad,
some of the acting is bad (namely Rah Digga), the music video style editing is
annoying as all hell and yeah, that suspension of belief ruining moment really
REALLY hurts. The good I can say is that Tony Shalhoub is awesome as usual and
I’m glad he would get bigger roles later. Also, the makeup effects are really
good and really make the ghosts look terrifying if you saw them for real. This
is a film I really wish was better than it was, but sadly it is just
forgettable in the end and can get lost in the loads of other films that are
out there. You have to stand out as a remake and this one does not stand out.
So
for the next…
Son
Of A Bitch!!!
What?
You
are getting a movie that might be fun!!!
Nice…I
might get a good one.
Oh
no…you are getting a bad film. But you are getting a bad film with an actor you
will have some enjoyment talking about.
Oh
I know which film you are talking about and considering there may be a movie
upcoming starring him that I am very much looking forward to, this maybe the
perfect time to talk about it.
I
wanted you to have no enjoyment since I am going to be out until the end of
freaking November!!! But instead I get this.
Yep…We
Are Doing A Nicolas Cage Film.
