Monster
Crap Inductee: Bride Of The Monster
It’ll Make Your Skin Sag
It’ll Make Your Skin Sag
1955
Gus
Richlen because he won he Fantasy Football thing, got to choose 5 movies for
this year’s summer inductions and the first one he chose was a film that means
we have to return to the land of Ed Wood
Considered
by critics to be one of the worst filmmakers of all time, Ed Wood is definitely
an example of just because you have the enormous desire to make films doesn’t
mean you necessarily should as Ed was so up his own ass that he rarely cut
anything even when there are huge mistakes. He also was a master conman in that
he could convince producers that he would make a film they would be so proud of
and then make a complete pile of crap.
However,
I can safely say after watching so many films from other awful directors that
Ed Wood is not the worst director of all time. Cheap and up his own ass?
Absolutely. Exploitative? The whole induction with Plan 9 From Outer Space
should confirm that to be true. But worst? Not really as many of his films are
still enjoyable to watch in a bad way and to be quite honest, I don’t leave
bored, depressed, or pissed off after watching it.
So
since this film has Bela Legosi and was done while Legosi was very much alive,
you know that Bride of the Monster is before Plan 9 From Outer Space. Now how
did such a guy like Ed Wood meet Bela Legosi, you may ask? Well, Ed had a good
friend through his time as a scriptwriter and director of TV shows in Alex
Wood, who was also a screenwriter and producer, and who created the basis of
this film Bride Of The Monster. Alex introduced Ed to Mr. Legosi and a lifelong
friendship formed (well, for several years before Legosi passed). In fact, Ed
helped Bela through his worst times with depression and dependence on drugs
like morphine. So of course, friends help friends out and since Bela’s drug
dependence made him not exactly desirable to many Hollywood producers, he had
enough time in the world to do movies directed by Mr. Wood (for $1,000 of
course).
We
also have good old Tor Johnson in this film as well, who we have inducted in
two films before this in Plan 9 From Outer Space and The Beast Of Yucca Flats.
Now while the hit biopic Ed Wood (directed by Tim Burton) would tell you that
Ed Wood saw Tor Johnson wrestling and immediately wanted him for a film, that
is more than likely not how it happened. You see while Tor was a pro wrestler
(The Super Swedish Angel), he did acting roles for low budget movies (mostly
uncredited) and it was during his time as an actor that he ran into Ed Wood.
Tor’s intimidating look and surprisingly sweet demeanor behind the scenes (one
co-star of his, Valda Hansen, said Tor was like “a big sugar bun”) probably
easily won Ed over and whenever he had a role for someone like Tor, he
definitely knew who to ask.
The
other cast members of this film are basically either friends of Ed or people
who just were taking jobs. The only person of real interest is Ed’s friend Paul
Marco, who plays Officer Kelton in this film and he also played that same
character name in Plan 9 From Outer Space. In fact, Plan 9 From Outer Space and
Bride of the Monster are two parts of the unofficial Kelton trilogy along with
Night of The Ghoul as all three had character played by Paul Marco who was a
policeman named Kelton.
One
more thing, while you may think that by concept, Plan 9 From Outer Space would have
the biggest budget for an Ed Wood movie, that is false. It is instead this film
that cost $70,000. Most of the budget basically went to one thing, but we will
get to that when the time is right.
But
enough of that, let’s get to the film.
We
begin with opening credits and of course, our opening title card.
After
the credits, we see lightning and two hunters who are caught in this storm.
Though
Never Specifically Said In The Movie, We Know From Credits That These Two Are Mac
And Jake.
Mac
talks about that they are now stuck in the worst storm yet. Jake thinks that
they should go to the old Reynolds place, but Mac is spooked because he has
heard rumblings about a monster in that area. Jake doesn’t believe in monsters so
they go to the house that they say is abandoned.
Um….Gents,
I Don’t Know How To Tell You This, But Considering That There Are Lights On In
That House, I’m Gonna Guess That Someone Lives There.
Mac
is still not convinced it is a good idea, but Jake eventually convinces him
they should take a chance on the place. They knock and Dr. Eric Vornoff
answers.
Hey,
Bela….
He
tells them they are not welcome inside and Lobo shows up.
Hi,
Tor…
The
two hunters run away, thinking Tor Johnson is the monster. Eric laughs at this
notion and tells Tor they think he is a monster. He also says that perhaps one
day those hunters will meet the monster. And then he closes the door while Lobo
is still outside, which is mean because Lobo is just a man and he can also
catch pneumonia.
Bela
then goes to his secret lab hidden via a secret passage behind the fireplace. Tor
follows behind him.
Lobo
Thinks It Was Mean To Not Let Lobo In. Lobo Could Have Caught Pneumonia.
The
mad doctor sends Lobo to do something via hand signals. Through the window of
Dr. Vornoff’s lab, we see what he believes is a monster.
His
Giant Octopus
And
that is probably where most of the money went. Depending on which story you
ask, either Ed Wood legally rented the octopus or stole it along with an engine
for this mechanical octopus to work. It is most likely believed to be a used
prop from the set of a John Wayne film called Wake of The Red Witch.
Eric
laughs as he looks at the creature.
Either
Bela Lugosi Loves His Work Or He Thinks That Octopus Is Really Stupid
Bela
turns on some equipment and watches his monster in the water.
Yes,
They Had To Use A Real Octopus Too For The Underwater Stuff
Back
to the hunters, they try to find shelter when Mac falls into the water and is
immediately attacked by the giant octopus.
Okay,
at this point, you might notice a real problem in that the actors actually have
to pretend the octopus is attacking them and have to use move the arms
themselves as well as flail around to accomplish that goal. Well whether it was
by renting or stealing the prop, the engine used to make the mechanical octopus
move……didn’t work. And because Ed Wood didn’t like doing different cuts of the
film, he wasn’t going to waste money and time getting a new engine for the
creature so he just made the actors wiggle around with the tentacles. It looks
really stupid and I’m sure the actors found it dumb as well.
Anyway,
Mac dies from the giant octopus and Jake is knocked out by Lobo.
Aw….Lobo
Just Wants A Friend To Show How To Do An Actual Wrestling Hold On
Jake
awakens tied to a gurney with a tin hat stuck to his head.
What
This Actor Doesn’t Know Is That We’ve Secretly Transported Him Into A Space
Movie. Well, Not Really…But He Probably Wishes That Were The Case.
He
sees Dr. Vornoff and Lobo looking over him. Dr. Vornoff reveals that Lobo cannot
speak (easy job for the actor) as they hook Jake up to a machine. Jake is just
another test case where he will either be an invincible giant under his control
or he will die like all the others because of this. Considering this isn’t a
main character at all, you can guess pretty easily which one it will be this
time.
Death,
It Is.
Eric
is not happy about another one dying and just looks out a window at the
octopus. He tells Lobo that despite a tiresome swim, it is always strange that
the octopus always returns home.
The
headline for the papers say it all.
Don’t
Ask Me How They Know It Was The Monster
So
we go to the police station as we meet Officer Kenton.
He
Is Here Interviewing A Drunk Who Would Become Just A Man In Plan 9 From Outer
Space
It
goes nowhere and this drunk is sent to jail. Then a guy comes by with the
papers that are meant for the Chief.
This
Stuff Is Just A Living To This Guy. He Has 315 Acting Credits To His Name.
This
guy tells Kelton that he has these papers for the Chief, but Kelton says that
he wants to deliver them to the Chief. However, the guy says that he isn’t
supposed to be to give them to anyone but the Chief, especially since Kelton
smudges the papers looking through them. Kelton then blackmails him by saying
he will cook up some crime he committed since the guy used to be a convict. The
guy just quits and gives Kelton the papers. Kelton looks through them and then
goes to give them to chief in Capt. Tom Robbins.
Robbins
tells Kelton that he specifically told that guy to give the papers to him and
not for Kelton to deliver them to him. The captain also tells Kelton to send
Lt. Craig into his office, which he does.
Lt.
Dick Craig….This Joke Is Supposed To Be Our Hero Who Gets The Girl
They
talk about the supposed monster stories and how there have been 12
disappearances that Craig has no idea about since he has been in that swamp so
many times. Capt. Robbins official take is the police doesn’t believe in
monsters, but Craig’s girlfriend reporter does. Speaking of girlfriend
reporters, here comes Janet Lawton.
Loretta
King….Whole Lot Of Interesting Stories About Her. Apparently, According To Ed
Wood’s Girlfriend At The Time (Who You Will See Later In This Movie), She Would
Help Finance This Film If She Was Given This Leading Role. Those Accusations Of
Course Were Disputed By Loretta King Herself.
She
is upset that she is being told by her cop boyfriend that she isn’t allowed to
go into that swamp. She actually calls him her fiancée and says that she is
going to go in that swamp anyway. She also is going to call off the engagement,
but when Robbins says she needs to give back the ring, she says the engagement
is back on.
Man….Considering
The Performances Here, It Shouldn’t Shock Anyone That The Captain Here Actually
Was In More Films After This Than The Other Two’s Entire Careers Combined.
So
Janet drives first to the newspaper archives where she talks to Tillie, who gives
her the files on who bought the mansion that is out in that swamp. She finds
what she is looking for and is ready to leave, but not before she bumps into Marge.
That
Was Ed Wood’s Girlfriend At The Time, Ms. Dolores Fuller.
She asks about the monster story, saying the police apparently wants those monster stories to stop and Janet just says she is going to pretend she didn’t hear any of that. She then goes on her way to the swamp.
Back at the police station, Robbins talks to a scholar from Europe in Prof. Vladimir Strowski.
Strowski
talks about the Loch Ness Monster and some other stuff as basically all the
reasons why he is here to help them with their “monster situation”. Robbins
sets Craig up to partner with the professor as they look into the swamp. They
want to go now, but Strowski wants to wait till the next day as there is a
storm brewing, despite all reports the monster attacks at night. Strowski then
leaves to head to his hotel so he can rest. Robbins says that the two will work
together starting 10 am tomorrow and Lt. Craig goes to leave, but not before
hearing that Janet called off the date, saying she was sick (which is of course
a bold faced lie as she is heading to the swamp). Robbins also doesn’t trust
Strowski totally.
Janet
heads to the swamp in her car during the nasty storm and wouldn’t you know it,
she crashes
I
Know A Low Hanging Fruit Of A Joke When I See One, But In This Case With
Today’s Climate, That Fruit Has A Nasty, Disease-Ridden Worm In It.
She
gets easily scared by a snake.
Lady,
I Don’t Enter Your Domain And Scream At You So Please Don’t Do It Here At Me.
Lobo
finds her, knocks away the snake, and takes Janet to see Dr. Vornoff.
Lobo
Like Pretty Lady
She
wakes up at the house and Vornoff tells her the whole situation. Vornoff then
uses his hypnotic stare to make Janet fall back asleep.
A
police car comes by with Craig and his partner named Martin looking around.
They
were supposed to meet Stowski here, but obviously Strowski isn’t here. They
find Janet’s car and think she may have gone back to town so they go back to a
coffee shop to check. Of course, we then see Strowski, but he is alone since
the two guys just went to find Janet.
Now
Where Are Those Two Guys I Told To Meet Me Here.
Craig
and Martin go to the shop and find that she never showed up so she must be
somewhere in that swamp. Janet wakes up again at Vornoff’s place and is getting
food from Vornoff and Lobo.
A
Very Weird Bed And Breakfast Joint
Vornoff
tries to tell Lobo to go away, but Lobo is enraptured by Janet so Eric has to
use a damn whip to get Lobo to go away.
Vornoff
tries to get her to eat the food, but like a toddler she refuses. Instead, she
keeps asking questions…most of which were answered already. She of course wants
to talk about the monster that has been in this swamp. Eventually, Vornoff gets
tired of her questioning and uses his hypnotic gaze to make her sleep again. He
has Lobo take Janet to his lab.
Meanwhile,
we see that Strowski has finally showed up to the place. He enters and looks
around before finally being seen by Vornoff. After a bit of conversation, we
find out that Strowski is a spy for an Eastern European country (it’s the 1950s
so you can guess which one). He tells Vornoff that despite his original
theories being ostracized by his people, that Eric has proved his theories
correct with the Loch Ness Monster and now this monster. Basically, Strowski
has been sent to bring Vornoff back so he can help this Eastern European
country. However, Vornoff does not want to return and wants to rule the world
on his own.
You
of course have heard the line about him wanting to create “a race of atomic
superman which will conquer the world”, but while it may look silly if you see
that one line, you need to understand that despite that dumb line, Bela Legosi
is giving this dialogue his all (showing emotion for the fact that he was
ostracized by his own people when he was right all along) and you can see why
he was once a beloved actor. Basically, I am here to tell you that Bela Legosi
is too good for this film.
Back
to the film, Strowski produces a gun and says he will be bringing Vornoff back
no matter what he has to do.
With
no choice, Vornoff allows Lobo to somehow sneak up behind Strowski and capture
him.
He
tells Lobo to bring Strowski along and the two take him to Vornoff’s secret
lab. They throw him in the room with the killer octopus and we get to see
Strowski get killed.
Back
outside, Craig and Martin find Strowski’s car and wonder where he is. They
split up with Craig going to the house and Martin taking the car to the beach. Craig
gets himself stuck and an alligator shows up.
Oh
Boy….Time To Bite Some Delicious Fingers
Craig
uses his gun to scare the alligator away while he gets out of the hole he fell
in. Meanwhile, we get some back and forth between Capt. Robbins and Tillie over
what Janet was looking for, which was basically the sales notice on the place
out in the swamp. Robbins then calls…somewhere to ask for all the information
on Dr. Eric Vornoff.
Back
at Vornoff’s lab, Vornoff and Lobo set up the machine and get ready to
experiment on the girl with the same machine that killed Jake at the beginning
of the film.
And
For Some Reason, Vornoff Has The Power To Completely Keep Her Under Hypnosis
And Have Her Walk To The Machine To Get Ready.
Dick
Craig arrives to the house and sneaks inside, looking around to find anything. Vornoff
wants Lobo to put the thing on her, but Lobo doesn’t want to so Eric has to
whip him. Dick finds some of Strowski’s stuff and finds a folder which looks
into Dr. Vornoff.
With
Bela Legosi Headshots Of Course.
The
cop also finds the secret lever into the lab and goes in. As Vornoff is about
to start the machine and potentially kill Janet (or as he says it, make her
“The Bride Of The Atom” (The Movie’s Original Title Before They Were Forced To
Change It For Some Reason)), Dick arrives and wants Vornoff to let her go.
Our
Hero
He
then immediately gets taken down by Lobo, who again snuck up behind him.
Our
Zero….
Yes,
it is definitely time to get to the biggest flaw that is barely talked about
when reviewing this movie. The guy they cast to be the hero in this film, looks
and acts like a complete failure. They may have thought this guy could be a
potential heartthrob for the ladies to love, but this guy is a complete goober.
No one can take this goof seriously and you end up rooting for freaking Tor
Johnson over this guy. You think the dumb lummox should get the girl instead
and this joke of a lead should get killed off like the failure he is. But
alas…..as we will see that is NOT how things will play out.
The
rest of the authorities arrive and they start looking for Dick and Janet, as
well as Strowski. But of course, Dick has been restrained.
This
Moment Right Here Is All You Need To Show To Tell People How Poorly Cast This
Guy Was And That Everything I Said About Him Is True (Well, Except For Rooting
For Tor Johnson, But That Will Also Come Soon). In A Scene That Is Normally
Meant For A Well Built Guy As A Little Gift For The Ladies, You Get
This…..Instead.
So
with Craig all chained up, it seems Janet is going to either be a monster or dead.
But then the person who I believe is the real hero finally comes in to save her
by stopping Vornoff.
LOBO!!!!!!
Yes,
Lobo has feelings for Janet and will not let Vornoff harm her. He knocks out
Vornoff, frees Janet from the machine, and then puts Vornoff into the machine.
Janet
frees Dick and for some reason, Dick tries to stop Lobo from turning on the
machine.
Fair
To Say That Lobo Beats This Idiot
Lobo
then turns on the machine and it seemingly kills Vornoff.
The
authorities enter the place after Lobo turns off the machine. However, bad news
for Lobo is this time the machine works and Vornoff is now super strong.
He
Also May Have Gotten Taller As Well (Yes, I Know It Is A Stunt Double Of Bela
Legosi Here)
Lobo
is sadly no match for the super version of Vornoff and he gets killed.
Vornoff
puts Janet down as he tries to run away. The cops try shooting at Vornoff, but
with Vornoff’s new strength, the bullets do nothing instead of just piss him
off.
Vornoff
now goes after the cops until Dick rolls a giant boulder onto him.
Vornoff
falls into the giant killer octopus which kills Vornoff in its most memorable
scene.
Yes,
Bela Legosi Having To Wriggle Around So It Makes It Seem Like The Octopus Is
Killing Him.
Lightning
strikes the two monsters, which causes an explosion.
Well,
Great…..Now Everyone Is Dead As That Mushroom Cloud Is Stock Footage From An
Thermonuclear Device Going Off.
Sadly,
it is supposed to be a regular explosion as everyone is fine and Dick and Janet
embrace, knowing their nightmare is over.
Capt.
Robbins gives us the last line of the movie.
Capt. Robbins: He tampered in God’s Domain.
And that is the end of the movie.
You may all expect this to not have been a success (being an Ed Wood film and all), but this may have actually made money. However, most of the producers of this film and investors would not see most of the money because of a bad deal Ed Wood himself made with entertainment lawyer Samuel Arkoff that saw Arkoff get most of the money that the film made. In fact, the money Arkoff made from this film contributed to the funding of films from American International Pictures, which is responsible for a lot of Roger Corman films. So yeah, on the one Ed Wood film that would be seen as sort of successful (and this film even has a sequel with Night Of The Ghouls (made in 1959 and ultimately released in 1984)), Ed Wood still ended up being a failure.
Now
as far as the cast and director go, everyone didn’t really go on to have much
success with several having only a handful of films to their credits, although
Ed Wood would continue to make films (and eventually pornographic shorts) until
his death. And of course, everyone of them is dead now. Bela Legosi (who played
Dr. Eric Vornoff) would die a year after this film was released in 1956 at the
age of 73 due to a heart attack. Bud Osborne (who played Mac) would die in 1964
at the age of 79 from a heart attack. Anne Wilner (who played Tillie) died in
1964 at the age of 59. Harvey B. Dunn (who played Capt. Tom Robbins) would no
longer be with us in 1968 at the age of 73 due to cirrhosis of the liver, which
does normally signal the abuse of alcohol, but could also be him being a bit on
the heavy side too. George Becwar (who played Prof. Strowski) died in 1970 at
the age of 52 from a heart attack. Tor Johnson (who played Lobo) would die in
1971 at the age of 67 due to a heart ailment. John Warren (who played Jake)
passed away in 1977 at the age of 60. Ed Wood (the director) would die in 1978
at the age of 54 due to heart failure after years of alcohol abuse with his
wife and poverty to the point where he lived in an apartment of an old friend.
Ben Frommer (who played the drunk) passed away in 1992 at the age of 78. Don
Nagel (who played Martin) died in 1996 at the age of 70. Tony McCoy (who played
Lt. Dick Craig) passed away in 2000 at the age of 76. William “Billy” Benedict
(who played Newsboy) would die in 1999 at the age of 82 from complications
following heart surgery. Paul Marco (who played Kelton) would no longer be with
us in 2006 at the age of 78. Loretta King (who played Janet Lawton) would pass
away in 2007 at the age of 90 from natural causes. Dolores Fuller (who played
Tillie) would be the last person of the credited cast to die in 2011 at the age
of 88 after a long illness. Conrad Brooks (who had an uncredited role as a
suspect outside the office) was officially the last person on the cast to die
as he died in 2017 at the age of 86.
So now onto my final thoughts on the film.
*sigh*
Of
the Ed Wood movies that I have seen, this is definitely the most competent film
Ed Wood has ever made. However, that sadly makes it the least interesting and
enjoyable of his well-known disasters. Despite this film being only 69 minutes,
there is plenty of padding to this film that is only there to make this film
pass an hour (people walking long ways to get into a car and the car backing
out of the parking way before driving). Also, I am going to say this again, but
the lead is badly miscast and the female lead is not good either.
So
let’s see what the next film Gus Richlen chose for me to induct this summer.
Time
For Mega Shark To Return In A Film Starring Steve Urkel And Directed By Fred
Olen Ray’s Son
Time
For Mega Shark To Return In A Film Starring Steve Urkel And Directed By Fred
Olen Ray’s Son
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