* After
* A Million Little Pieces
* Annabelle Comes Home
* Artic Dogs
* Black Christmas
* Cats
* Countdown
* Domino
* Last Christmas
* Playing With Fire
* The Goldfinch
* The Haunting of Sharon Tate
* Tyler Perry's A Madea Funeral (I am thankfully way behind on the Madea series)
Now let's get to dishonorable mentions in alphabetical order.
Alone In The Dead Of Night - Someone saw Repulsion and thought they could do better with a lower budget. They could not.
Ever After - Man, zombie films should not be this boring, even in another language
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Serenity - The final twist of this film is just too out of left field to be on the list. You tried, guys.
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The Intruder - Dennis Quaid's over the top acting like a madman saves this from being on the list
The Silence - When you can't hire a deaf person for your film to make sure you are doing deaf right, fuck you.
Now here are the films that did not escape the list.
25. Io
And we start the year off with the first film to be the worst film of the year. Holy crap, this film dragged and dragged....and dragged. You have Danny Huston and Anthony Mackie in this cast and they are barely in it so we have to follow Margaret Qualley through about 85% of the movie. Congrats, the actress that was also partially in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood is our leading lady and quite honestly, she does not work. I nearly fell asleep several times during this film. Io, the movie title, is not in the movie, only getting a mention that that moon of Jupiter is where the rest of mankind moved to so we are on a desolate Earth and with this movie being two hours of mostly nothing happening, I won't forget this one, Netflix.
24. Syaha: The Sixth Finger
Another movie that is over 2 hours. Thankfully, though....East Asian horror films do not plague this list like they did last year so that is a positive. However, 2 did decide to be on this list and this is the first. Basically, there are two people separately looking into this cult and just barely in there is a woman and her demonic twin sister. Other than that, I was lost in a lot of this film and I tried paying attention. I normally give films like these some slack because they have different beliefs in things than we do, but when you are asking me to waste 1/12 of my day on you....I'm not a happy camper unless you are worth it and this certainly was not worth it.
23. High Life
The first film on our list that isn't two hours long, but that is barely it. We deal with drugs, rape, and suicide in space and yet this film is so boring. The only funny thing was Andre Benjamin killing himself by burying himself slowly into a man-made garden aboard this spaceship. Oh yeah, and there is device called "The Box" where it simulates masturbation for the crew since sex is illegal on the ship (yet rape still happens). Just a huge giant miss and considering Robert Pattinson and Julliete Binoche are in the cast, that is really quite sad.
22. The Kitchen
Speaking of huge freaking misses, here is a film that promises us a serious film for Melissa McCarthy (before this, that was a good thing) and boy, this may be a big black mark on her attempts at serious roles. A movie (based on comic book miniseries) about three wives of imprisoned Irish Mafia members who are able through manipulation and smart planning, take over Hell's Kitchen is a film that should have been way better than what it was. This movie even somehow is able to get Domhall Gleeson involved with this crap. Everyone in this movie is bad and ultimately, you are just waiting for this film to end.
21. Doom: Annihilation
Somehow, the bastards did it. Somehow, they made a second live action Doom movie (a reboot) that tried to be more faithful to the source material.....and yet they did it way worse than the first Doom movie. Say what you want about the first Doom movie, but you had actors who could work with the crappy material they were given and at least for one small scene, they made it seem like you were watching a movie based on the game. The cast in this movie is terrible and the effects in this film are terrible. They also had the nerve to sequel bait here, but I hope these guys arent given that sequel.
20. The Professor
A movie where you could tell that Johnny Depp was drunk throughout the entire filming (even in one scene wore sunglasses in a restaurant (probably to cover his red eyes)). This is pure the movie needing to be about Johnny Depp and Johnny Depp purely not giving a shit about what he is doing. This is probably a new low for Johnny Depp (who isnt exactly worth a bit of box office today and is probably revealed to be a personal asshole behind the scenes). Everyone else gives a bit of an effort, but when you have a movie following a drunk and uncaring Johnny Depp, you are just fucked.
19. Mercy Black
Well, we know at least one person enjoyed the Slender Man movie last year because this film is basically a carbon copy of that film, but with a different person instead of Slender Man. This is also another film that is somehow able to get a name (not a huge one) for a supporting role in Janeane Garofalo and Janeane, you are way better than being in this BS film. And surprisingly, this movie is more exploitative about the Slender Man stabbing from 2014 as it actually is about a stabbing. Can we please have a moratorium on making movies based on that incident because you filmmakers obviously can't make it good.
18. Replicas
Boy, Keanu can thank his stars he has the John Wick franchise to go back to right now (and a new Bill & Ted movie coming as well) because with films like this, he would be back to being a joke in Hollywood because this film (which for some reason cast him as a scientist) is basically a mess with enough plot holes to make a cavern, dialogue that is so bad you can only just face palm after hearing it, and decisions by characters that make no logical sense. Keanu's character's family died and he tries to clone them, but only has enough to clone all but one, so what does he do....clone them and then tell them that one youngest daughter he couldn't clone, never existed. Also, corrupt company working with the government that is just evil for evil's sake. That is never old and worn out.
17. The Last Man
I'm going to do the best I can to explain this because I don't remember everything that happened, but I remember enough. This film is trying to be like The Mute (a terrible film from last year), but with less color and more atmosphere in making you feel like you are watching Slender Man instead. I dont know why people still think Hayden Christensen is a bankable main star and this movie does nothing with their Harvey Keitel. Oh and in one of the dumber moments, the bad guys kidnap the Hayden's girlfriend and where do they hide her as they try to exploit Hayden to do their bidding, in the same underground bunker that Hayden himself built and is under his own house. And again, all of this is so boring.
16. The Doll
This is the other East Asian film that was released in 2019 thanks to Netflix. Now while this film was released in Indonesia in 2016 (and has a much better sequel that was released in 2017 up there and released down here as well in the same year as the first film) this was released here this year so it counts. A long boring movie with an absolute stupid ass twist. You wanna know the twist? The male character that brought the doll home because it was on a tree that his company took down to build something is possessed by a girl whose family and her were killed in a botched robbery......and what are the fucking odds, the guy who brought the doll home and took away the doll's tree is the same guy who was part of the botched robbery that killed her. You might need stitches to sew up the ass you pulled this whole bullshit out of.
15. Nekrotronic
Dammit Australia, after a few years ago you had several films in my "Favorites" list, now you have a film to be in my "Worst Of" list. A movie about people trying to stop an evil demonic company with a Pokemon Go like app for demonic souls. The only reason this film is not higher than it is, is because the actor who is the comic relief in this film is actually funny at times and definitely likable. It certainly isnt Monica Bellucci (who plays our villain), the guy who plays the main character, or the special effects. It was released in Australia in 2018, but it was released here in 2019 so it counts.
14. Welcome To Acapulco
A film that tries to be a mix of Scott Pilgrim vs. The World meets a heist film sounds like a good idea (even though I thought Scott Pilgrim vs. The World was a bit overrated), but if your lead is annoying and stupid as the lead is in this film, you're fucked. And thus that is what we get. William Baldwin, Michael Madsen, and Paul Sorvino try a little bit here and Ana Serradilla does try quite a lot, but when Michael Kingsbaker is terrible, what can you do? Even my friend wanted to like this film and unfortunately, we were both left horribly disappointed and angry.
13. The Hustle
This is probably the worst film I saw that got a wide release theatrically. At no point in this comedic attempt at a remake of a film that itself was a remake did I even laugh once. There was a chuckle, but it was more of a forced chuckle as I was looking for something. Rebel Wilson has joined Melissa McCarthy as actresses that have more than worn out their welcome as an actress who tries to use the cliche of fat woman who is a foul mouth and sadly Anne Hathaway does not make this film any better. I knew this was bad from the reviews, but I expected at least one laugh, but no.....I can't even get that. But being at 13 means that there are a worse so be afraid.
12. 6 Underground
Damn you Michael Bay. Not since Transformers 2 & 3 have I see a Michael Bay action-sploitation film be so boring. Somehow and someway, Michael Bay turned Ryan Reynolds into another generic action guy despite having none of the machismo that makes certain people awesome. And the rest of this A-Team wannabe cast is just not that good. I swear Michael Bay, if you make Bad Boys 4 Life just like this....I swear on all that is holy, I will.............yell about it on the internet. Oh and Dave Franco, despite being a number........dies in the first 10 minutes so he is pointless.
11. Deep Murder
As someone who has seen plenty of softcore porn (thanks Cinemax and Porno Pete) so I should know how to parody them and while this film tries it, it is a complete failure of that. As a murder mystery, it is also a failure. Everyone in this film isn't funny and the only thing good is the gore, but it is not enough to save the brain cells that are wasted trying to understand this film. I appreciate that one of the cast members tweeted to me thanking me for seeing the film, but I will be honest, I wish I had not. Man, Christopher McDonald and Jerry O'Connell, you are so better than a film like this.
10. American Hangman
Sometimes, when you have a message of a film, you can completely miss the mark and nothing missed the mark more infuriatingly than this film trying to criticize the way we do legal trials. Everyone in this movie (including a freaking judge) is a complete idiot except for the guy who is performing this lame online trial of a judge for sentencing the wrong man to die for a murder. Oh and we find out why the "prosecutor" thinks this judge is guilty of sentencing the wrong man to die as the "prosecutor" was the one committing the murder. Oh and while this goes on, we have a police being complete idiots trying to locate this guy and save the judge, as well as some really heavy-handed attempt at commentary. You can do social commentary if you have a good script to back it up, and this doesnt have that.
9. Among The Shadows
Werewolves, vampires, and collapsed government are some of the things this movie tries to accomplish with this noir political thriller, but completely fall flat at. The acting in this movie is some of the most wretched of the year and while the movie makes it seem like Lindsay Lohan is the star, she is only partially in it and filmed on a green screen and just added in haphazardly as if she was a late addition to the film. The main character in this film is actually the lady on the lower left side of this, who I have called through most of this film "Discount Kate Beckinsale". Oh and spoiler, the president (Lindsay Lohan's character's husband) is assassinated and that's not me spoiling the film, the film does that itself with a text crawl calling that president the "late president" before he was even in the film. Man, this is such an editing disaster and hopefully, I will forget about this film soon.
8. The Fanatic
You know you are in for a bad movie when the first line of the film is "I can't talk too long. I gotta poo."As someone like myself who is very mildly on the autism spectrum to someone like John Travolta, whose late son was on the autism spectrum, you should be ashamed of the performance you gave as a man who has autism. Nobody in this movie is likable and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst directs this film horribly. And the worst part of this movie is the ending that they gave that makes everyone believe that the character played by Devon Sawa is going to go to jail for a long time for the murder of a gardener that John Travolta's character commits, when based on all the evidence that was obviously left, he will definitely be released quickly as innocent. This film is an insulting nightmare to get through.
7. The Influence
Welcome back to the world of horrible Spanish horror films. Again, no one in this film is likable and in fact, the filmmakers go out of their damn way to make everyone an nonredeemable piece of shit. The kids are horrible (they kill a fucking dog brutally), the adults are horrible (they are too stupid for their own good), and the villain is horrible (just some fat old lady who practiced witchcraft when she was younger). I wish there was something positive I could say, but there isnt in this boring and tedious film that tries to be edgy, but fails at every turn. Oh and just for egotism, the director of this film is a guy who wrote his own IMDB biography and if you remember the one actress from Transmorphers did back in the day (before someone fixed it so it is from an independent party), there is no bit of humbleness whatsoever.
6. Halloween At Aunt Ethel's
Continuing on to terrible movies with no redeemable characters, we have a film that so insults the intelligence of the audience by having this movie about a character who is allegedly believed to be this evil woman who kills people (and some people just say those are just false stories), yet this same woman is not hiding the fact that she murders these people, including kids (definite case of Pointless Child Death that I hate). And like many of these terrible movies, the evilest bitch still lives by the end of it. Honestly, looking back, I'm surprised this did not make my Top 5 Worst films of the year, but then I look at the last 5 films on this list and I remember why this only made it to #6 because strap in kids, this.....gets.....worse.
5. Jacob's Ladder
I don't know what made people they could remake this movie without any of the ideas of the actual biblical Jacob's Ladder being involved in this film. Instead, we get worse actors, small stealing of scenes of the first film, more mentions of the drugs, more mentions of the evil US government (so much so you might wonder if the US Government has a secret Department of Evil), and not much else. But hey, the brothers are named Jacob and Isaac....even though in the bible, Isaac was Jacob's dad and his brother was actually named Esau. A movie so bad that the late Danny Aiello would allow this film to be in its own personal hell instead of trying to get him to accept death and go to heaven.
4. Lucero
Want to watch a film that is basically a silent film but nothing happens except this woman goes way beyond the point of waiting for a boyfriend to show up when any logical woman would realize the guy just ditched her? No? Too bad because that is exactly what you get. I know this is only an hour and nine minutes, but it will feel a lot longer. It is at this point that I decided way early that films that are free on Amazon Prime and released in the same year.............are just not worth the hassle. Spain, why did you have to be the country that created crap this year?
3. How High 2
Just the worst unnecessary straight to DVD sequel that I have seen in quite some time. I know the first How High movie didn't set the world on fire, but it seriously so much better than this film that you can thank MTV for making. I also have at least heard of Method Man & Redman (Wutang Clan of course), but who in the blue hell are Lil Yachty and DC Young Fly? Oh and the plot is not much better with a special weed plant that gets stolen and it eventually is being used by a company that wants to ban weed so we can have e-cigarette versions of the marijuana joint. It is stupid as fuck and I an insult to the original.
2. Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars
A parody that mixes superhero movies with Star Wars......what the hell am I watching? I know this movie has been inducted by Wrestle Crap because of Shawn Michaels being involved, but sadly I saw this movie because of course, it was released this year......even though I was trying so hard not to with every excuse imaginable like it was made 2018 and I had no proof it was released now. But then I got that proof and because I do Monster Crap, I saw this film and oh boy. Do I need to talk about the plot? It's parody superheroes mixed with Star Wars, you can guess the plot. Oh and even worse, this film teases that there will be a sequel. Am I going to see the sequel? FUCK......NO!!!!!!!
1. Loqueesha
I have seen bad movies and I have seen horid movies, but I have rarely seen a movie that made me want to furiously spit in the face of the person who made it just for making this movie. Jeremy Saville, congratulations.....you have made that film. You may have heard about this film from its trailer and plot of a white guy pretending to be a black woman just so he can be a radio show host.....being offensive to black women. Well don't worry about that..........because he is offensive to other minorities. Indians (people from India, not Native Americans), suicide, women period, black people period, and people with mental disabilities or disorders are also going to be offended by this film. Oh and I can proudly spoil shit and say that after it gets revealed that he is a white guy pretending to be a black woman, he gets NO punishment and is allowed to do a radio show as both himself and this black woman character he made up. And the black woman in this poster? She is made to be a complete bitch in this film because she dared to blackmail this SOB for a better payday. This movie is so disgusting that I never............EVER.........want to see another movie from this piece of shit again. Fuck this guy and fuck this movie.
FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*breathes again*
Okay, I'm calm now. Now that this list is over, the next post will be the next poll to determine what I induct in February and after that....
The 2019 GINO Award Winner Gets Inducted
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