Monster Crap Inductee: Hellboy (2019 GINO Award Winner)

Monster Crap Inductee: Hellboy

One Mess Of A Superhero

2019

As you all saw with my list of worst movies that this is not on it, I will say the following on this film. 

I understand why you voted for it. 

I mean, you already have two good Hellboy movies directed by a great director in Guillermo Del Toro and not only do you decide to remake his films, but you do it oh so terribly. It makes all the sense in the world that you would want to have this movie get the 2019 GINO Award. But we do need to explain what happened here. 

So Hellboy 2 did do as the studio had hoped despite doing decently at the box office. But by 2014, the rights for Hellboy were once again going to go away from Lionsgate if they didnt make a new film. So the filmmakers worked with the creator of Hellboy Mike Mignola and screenwriter Andrew Cosby to develop a new film and then went to Del Toro with the film they had, but Del Toro said he would only do it if it was he who wrote the script and Lionsgate was against that. Del Toro was offered a producer credit, but he turned that down and made another movie instead. 

[Insert The Shape Of Water]

And Considering He Got Several Oscars, Including Best Director And Best Picture....He May Have Made The Right Choice. 

Well, with Del Toro off the project, the star of the Hellboy series Ron Pearlman decided he was not going to go through that make-up for a new guy at the directing helm. Now what could have been done was a Direct To DVD animated film like they have done beforehand. 

But no….instead filmmakers wanted…

Money

And to them, the more money would be gained by a theatrical film so with Del Toro and Pearlman out, they decided “We don’t need them. We’re going to do a remake”. And a remake they did and the director they hired for this film is Neil Marshall, who directed a lot of the battle scenes in Game Of Thrones. But let’s see what films he made before then.

Yikes…..

But that was just a film that didn’t get a cinematic wide release and Hellboy (2019) is getting wide release so let’s see what his last film that got a wide release was.

Ouchies….

So yes, the guy we got to direct this is questionable at best, but hey….they got a good Hellboy in David Harbour.

So it could a good film. Wonder who they have to be our villain.

Oh No…..

Okay, before we continue, I am not saying Milla Jovovich is a bad actress. She is actually decent at what she does. However, she seems to have some great detector for bad movies which she wamts to be a part of. Seriously, basically anytime I hear she is going to be in a movie, I think to myself, “Well, that is a bad omen for the movie”.

Oh And People Who Have Followed Monster Crap May Know One Of Her Films Have Been On This Site Before.

So do we have other Monster Crap alumni?

Atanas Srebev Was In Shark Attack 3: Megalodon And Was Carlos In Raging Sharks

Sophie Okonedo Was Faia Raige In After Earth

Douglas Tait (Although Uncredited Here) Was A Sleestak In Land Of The Lost

Oh and one more very important thing, I have never read the Hellboy comics or followed Hellboy like other superheroes so we are not going to talk about whether this film was faithful to the comics or not. We have the earlier films so we will compare those, but since I know things have to be different, I will only be upset if something was done worse. If something is done different that is just as okay if not better, I won’t bother being mad at the movie. So with all of that, let’s see what you all voted for as the 2019 GINO Award Winner.

And we start off with a crow pecking a corpse’s eyeball off.

Gotta Make Sure We Tell People This Is An R Rated Remake

It is 517 AD and we are getting narration from the man who will be revealed to be Hellboy’s adoptive father, played by Ian McShane (we’ll get his name later). Oh and it is the Dark Ages, which our narrator states is called that “for good fucking reason”. A war between the armies of man and the forces of darkness is going on and because of the way man is treating nature, the immortal witch Vivienne Nimue has cast a plague on mankind. And in certain words, you can kind of guess that while Ian McShane was doing this narration, he might have been eating something and producers did the best they could to cover that up, but not completely succeeding.

We are at Pendle Hill under an old oak tree and King Arthur and Merlin were forced to surrender to Nimue. Okay, one moment here. I don’t know much about the comics, but have looked up and seen that Nimue was evil and called the Blood Queen in the comics. But I do know quite a bit about Arthurian legend and Nimue is not evil nor called a queen of any kind. She is however called something else.

Yep….She Was The Lady Of The Lake And The One Who Gave King Arthur Excalibur

Oh and because we want special symbolism, we get Vivienne wearing a red cloak in a background of different shades of gray.

We then find out that this was all an ambush.

And one of her most trusted witches betrays her. Nimue laughs and says no mortal weapon can harm her, which Arthur responds that Excalibur is no mere mortal weapon and she is surprised that he has it, when in reality, this should have been her response.

Oh Yeah, You Have Excalibur. I Should Have Remembered You Had That Since I Was The One Who Gave It To You.

So Nimue tries her plague, but is cut to pieces by Excalibur.

But since that still wasn’t enough to stop her, he had her cut up into a million pieces and each place separately all over Britain so not even the devil himself can find all her remains. Oh and the boxes are each sealed with a spell that reveals that only a man of God can break the seal. And then we get our title.

Then we go to Tijuana in present day.

We then hear Ian McShane’s voice telling David Harbour’s voice that while he is in Mexico, no drinking, no fighting, and don’t cause a scene. Apparently, Hellboy is there to get a person he drinks with in Ruiz, who went missing while on assignment to investigate a nest of vampires. So Hellboy goes to a wrestling show and sure enough, Ruiz is fighting as a masked luchador.

Hellboy then decides to break his adoptive dad’s rules and go in the ring to make a scene with Ruiz. He first tries to get Ruiz to come peacefully, but then starts to fight him.

So we have a match, but at some point, Ruiz turns into a demon vampire.

The referee has a cross and uses it.

Ruiz attacks the ref with Hellboy trying to restrain Ruiz and Ruiz grows wings.

Realizing that Ruiz is too far gone, Hellboy has to drive Ruiz into the turnbuckle, which acts as a stake through the heart.

Ruiz starts turning back to normal and apologizes to Hellboy before dying, but not before warning him that the end is coming.

We then find Hellboy drunk.

He gets told by agents working with Hellboy’s adoptive dad that they have to go to the Bureau Of Paranormal Research And Defense, which is in Colorado.

We see Ruiz’s name being etched onto the wall of agents who have fallen. As Hellboy is in his room trimming the horns so they are even, Hellboy’s adoptive father.

And the first thing I must mention here is that while Hellboy’s adoptive dad in the Del Toro films was a kind hearted and fatherly figure, this version is not as nice. This is actually one of the moments where he tries to be nice. He tells Hellboy the job killed Ruiz and Hellboy says he did it. Hellboy tells his adoptive dad (named Professor Broom) Ruiz’s last words were about the end coming.

Broom reveals that he also brought Hellboy back because Hellboy needs to work with the Osiris Club to deal with some giants. Meanwhile elsewhere someone is mad and wants revenge on Hellboy so he is talking to Baba Yaga, who also has suffered at Hellboy’s hands.

Baba Yaga tells the other voice of a witch that could help kill Hellboy. Obviously, you know that witch is Nimue, but let’s move on as we are in England.

Thanks Movie, But I Probably Could Have Figured That Out With Some You Know, Shots Around The City.

Hellboy arrives at the manor that has the Osiris Club inside

That Was Completely Unnecessary

Hellboy meets with Lord Adam Glaren, Dr. Edwin Carp, and August Swain.

They then talk about the Wild Hunt, which is how they take care of giants who show up and we see some trophies of giants’ heads.

They tell him they called him because there are three giants they need to kill and at best, they can only handle two. We also meet Lady Hatton.

She explains that they were warned that something was coming during a séance that could end mankind and because of that, they (and Broom) have all aged at a snail’s pace to fight the incoming evil. We then get to see Hellboy’s origin with Rasputin and Nazis.

Interesting 3D Glasses That The Nazis Have

The ritual they were doing in hopes of turning the tide of the war didn’t work as well as they planned so Rasputin is shot.

Lobster Johnson arrives with American soldiers and they take everyone out.

And let’s just say that Lobster Johnson as an old hero with one liners for miles, is awesome to see. After these Nazis surrender, Lobster Johnson uses his special killing brand to end Rasputin.

And since years ago, we did a film with Mia Zottoli (thanks Porno Pete for that), we now get to do a film with her longtime fiancée who she had a kid with, Thomas Haden Church….because yes, that is him as Lobster Johnson.

We then get to see baby Hellboy and…

Holy Crap, That Is Not A Good Effect

Oh and Lady Hatton explains that Broom saw something good in him that the rest of them could not so that is why he is still alive. Glaren tells Hellboy to get some rest as the hunt will start at dawn. Broom tries calling, but Hellboy chooses to ignore it. We then go to St. Sebastian’s Abbey.

Okay, This One I Am Okay With Since We Had No Inclination We Were Going There

At this place, a demon has come to do his work. And of course since these monks are on a vow of silence, it is pretty easy for the demon to take care of them.

He tells the youngest monk (which is the only one that lives) to break the seal on the case holding part of Nimue and when the monk has issues, the demon rips his jaw open, takes out his tongue and mouths the words himself in that monk’s voice.

Of course, this is case that holds her head.

You Don’t Know All The Terrible Noises I’ve Heard While In This Box Between Monks And Boys

The next day, it is time to hunt those giants.

Complete With Ridiculous Outfits

Oh and the Osiris Club is really there for an ambush so they can try and kill Hellboy.

They talk about how they will never allow the devil to sit atop the throne of England. Glaren is about to cut off Hellboy’s head, but they get killed by a demon. We then go to a house where some pieces of Vivienne are watching TV.

The demon who released Vivienne (named Gruagach) gives Nimue her other leg and offers her a cookie, but Nimue doesn’t want it and only wants revenge. Nimue says get her whole and together, they will baptize this place with blood.

Meanwhile, Hellboy wakes up after being saved by something and sees that it is those giants are very real and the Osiris Club should have probably dealt with them first.

I Would Say Live And Learn, But Those Fuckers Aint Living To Learn From That Mistake

And then Hellboy has to kill them as they are going after him in a nice little fight, save for the effects of the giants.

Hellboy faints and then wakes up at the house of Alice Monaghan, who is revealed to be an old friend of Hellboy from when she was a child.

She reveals that she has grown up to be a medium a sorts. Oh and she also can kill Hellboy if she wants to since she has a shotgun taped under the table aimed at him. The ghost of her parents are telling her to kill him to stop the prophecy of the end coming, from happening. Authorities break into the house to do something and as Hellboy is going to attack, Broom shows up to reveal they are with him.

Hellboy is obviously not happy about the whole Osiris Club ambush that happened and Broom explains that he didn’t know about it. Hellboy then reveals that Broom was there to kill him when he was a child, but Broom doesn’t want to go deep into those skeletons in the closet at this time and reveals that Hellboy has a new partner in Major Ben Damimio, Head of Special Ops for M-11.

Another Asshole To Hellboy

They argue with each other over who has more of a monstrous appearance (due to all the scars Ben has and everything about Hellboy). Broom then reveals the whole thing with the Blood Queen and a piece is with the Osiris Club. Alice wants to go with and Ben doesn’t want to, but Hellboy makes sure she goes with them to stop all of this. Broom comes in to give Hellboy a new weapon and tell Ben that Alice comes with as he goes to HQ to figure the rest of this out. The trio of Hellboy, Ben, and Alice head to the Osiris Club, but they are too late, which Alice warns them something terrible happened there.

All of the bodies are strewn about as if this was a gory haunted house and Lady Hatton is not lucky enough to have survived this.

Alice brings Lady Hatton’s spirit into visibility (by coming out of Alice’s mouth) and the spirt explains what happened and that once the queen is whole, Hellboy’s true prophesied future will be revealed.

Apparently, Someone Saw The Haunting In Connecticut And Said, “We Need To Do That Effect.” If You Are Having Problems Remembering That Film, That’s Because It Was A Completely Forgettable Film From A Few Years Ago.

Hellboy finds Gruagach (who is still there and when Gruagach charges at Hellboy with the box holding a part of Nimue, Hellboy just breaks it with his fist like an idiot.

Gee, Thanks…..

Gruagach begs for Nimue’s help and she appears.

She is fascinated by Hellboy and it is obviously she wants to bang him. As she leaves, Hellboy tries to fire and almost hits Ben. Hellboy then says that he did miss and we see Ben taking an injection for reasons that will be revealed later.

As the good guys all come together, Hellboy reveals the creature and they first crossed paths in 1992.

Again, The Actors Don’t Say 1992 So This Will Have To Do.

Apparently, Gruagach and the fairies he worked for was trying to steal Alice when she was a baby as a changeling would do in stealing the actual baby and then pretending to be them until a set time where the actual baby is lost forever (which is not what a gruagach does in Scottish legend). Hellboy caught him and forced him to bring back the real Alice.

We then go back to the present and Hellboy seems to think Nimue is not evil for some reason, and just wants to bring monsters back to live peacefully with humans. Ben is done and says they are taking Hellboy back to HQ. We then see Nimue getting brought together.

Gruagach reveals his issues that he just wanted to be a normal baby taking Alice’s place and Hellboy stole that from him. So yes, Gruagach is still an asshole who only thinks of himself and that’s why he wants this whole end of the world. After Nimue is finished getting put together, she reveals that while all she wanted was vengeance, she now sees a greater goal and Hellboy is the key for her, but first…one final task must be complete. We are now heading to M-11 headquarters, which is hidden under a fish and chips shop.

We find out that M-11 HQ is a former bomb shelter for World War 2 that was renovated to suit M-11’s needs. Broom doesn’t seem to care that all his friends in the Osiris Club are dead as he is too busy trying to stop whatever Nimue has planned now. Meanwhile, Ben has been given a bullet that is meant to kill Hellboy since he also doesn’t want Hellboy being on the throne of England as prophecy foretells.

We go back to Hellboy, Alice, and Broom and Hellboy puts his feet on the table that Broom reveals was Churchill’s desk so he demands he take his feet off it.

Yeah, If You Make Too Much Of A Thing Of This Table, It Is Getting Destroyed.

We see that Hellboy is getting tired of living a boring existence of fighting demons and is tired of Broom’s moral high ground. Yes, Hellboy thinks the side of witches and demons and the side of humans can live together in glorious harmony. Broom thinks Nimue got to him (which is weird because in her one talk to Hellboy, I did not see the idea of humans and beings in the shadows living together ever being brought up). We then reveal that Hellboy may not have had the best childhood. Hellboy leaves, upset that he is a weapon instead of a true son to Broom (his opinion, not mine or Broom’s).

While in the elevator trying to go up, the elevator goes down despite his objections, taking him to the lowest floor of this bunker.

That Somehow Has A Lot Light

It’s also very foggy and once he enters is transported to a forest.

Yeah, This Must Be In His Damn Head.

Or not as this is a the realm for Baba Yaga, who goes around in a walking house.

Baba Yaga Somewhere Is Saying “Up Yours” To Howl’s Moving Castle

So Hellboy meets with Baba Yaga.

And I Think We Found Where Sister Abigail Went To

Baba Yaga says that she is old and decrepit because of Hellboy and Hellboy said she was trying to raise Stalin’s ghost from the ground so he had to do something. And then we see Baba Yaga made a feast for Hellboy.

Baba Yaga: Just As Long As You Don’t Steal A Rose From My Garden, We’ll Be Fine.

Hellboy: You Don’t Have A Garden

Baba Yaga: Dammit….Don’t Allow Facts To Take Away From Myself Trying To Reenact The Beauty And The Beast Story

Baba Yaga is celebrating Nimue’s return and the fact that Hellboy will be hailed as a hero once she takes power. And if you are wondering what they are eating.

Yep….It Is A Human Child. Since We Didn’t See The Kid Getting Killed, I Don’t Think I’m Going To Linger On Calling This Pointless Child Death. It’s Not Like We Saw The Actual….

Oops….Nevermind. Let The Lingering Begin.

Hellboy tries to awkwardly leave and Baba Yaga says she can help Hellboy. She just wants one of Hellboy’s eyes to replace the eye he took from her. Hellboy is against this idea. He eventually gives into the idea in hopes of finding where Nimue is and Baba Yaga decides that they must seal it with a kiss.

Gross

Nimue then tells him to go to Pendle Hill since she will need to reclaim her blood (which is in that tree from the beginning) to be fully complete and he only has until midnight stop her. She is about to take an eye as part of her bargain, but Hellboy says she only gets her eye after Hellboy is done with Nimue because she never specified a timeframe in getting the eye. Baba Yaga is missed at getting duped and a fight ensues. Hellboy is about to kill her for eating children, but Yaga forces him out of the house.

Back at HQ with Broom and Alice and Hellboy falls through Winston Churchill’s desk.

Hellboy tells Broom that Baba Yaga told him that the Blood Queen is in Pendle Hill and they have until midnight to save the world. Then we head to Pendle Hill as Nimue and Gruagach are already there.

In a helicopter ride, we find out that Ben had an encounter with a demonic jaguar in Belize.

Ben reveals that he was the only survivor of his unit from the demonic jaguar attack and that is how he got his facial scars. Since they can’t land precisely on the hill, Hellboy, Ben, and Alice land as closely as they can and must traverse the rest of the way to stop Nimue. Meanwhile Nimue has cut the tree and is starting to get back her blood while revealing that if Hellboy shows up, she has a little surprise for him.

That surprise being the undead to fight them.

You Really Were Better Off Making Using The Creature Effects From Zombi 2.

Ben again has to inject himself with something. They fight and Ben tells Hellboy since it is almost midnight, Hellboy must go and stop the queen. Considering there is 46 minutes of the movie left, best guess is he fails.

Oh, But First Hellboy Has To Kick A Zombie’s Head Off And Scream Goal.

But Hellboy is too late and Nimue got her blood back. Other monsters show up to fight by their side and we now have a basic war between human and monsters on our hands.

We Might Be In A Slight Bit Of Trouble

And after Nimue gives a roaring speech to the monsters, we find out that the witches that betrayed her are here as well.

Yeah, About That Whole Betrayal Thing…..No Harm, No Foul???

They beg for mercy and are not given it as the two witches next to the main one have their bones painfully broken and they die.

Nimue says to the main betrayer that she won’t kill her because there is something she must do. Nimue wants the betrayer to show Hellboy his destiny as is interrupted by Hellboy, who shoots her in the head.

But as was mentioned in the beginning, no weapon of mortal man can kill her so that shot just merely pisses her off as she regenerates. But it does make the other monsters afraid and they go back into hiding. Nimue is disarms Hellboy and throws him back.

By The Way, Someone Forgot To Take Out An Actual Trash Can From The Shot.

As Ben and Alice fights, Alice learns that she can punch the spirits out of the zombies.

Curious Question: Why In The Hell Are There More Believable Ghost Effects Being Projected On A Freaking Door During Monster Mania 2015???

Meanwhile Gruagach begs Nimue to let him finish Hellboy, but Nimue says not yet. Gruagach has issues with her delaying this and she backhands him.

Gruagach is forced to teleport away as Hellboy is left knowing he failed to stop them.

Although once again, Nimue gives Hellboy the thought that he still needs to fulfill his destiny and rule the new world alongside her as they belong together. Hellboy’s response is good.

Hellboy: We do. But it’s not going to work, you know, because I’m a Capricorn and you’re fucking nuts!

Nimue knocks Hellboy out and says that a demon sleeps inside him and she will awaken it. Alice and Ben show up and Nimue darts one of the branches from the crown into Alice’s neck.

She leaves Hellboy with the idea that her wishes will come true even if she has to take away everyone he loves to do it. Then she leaves. Ben is pissed at Hellboy for failing and the main betrayer of Nimue tells them not to touch the dart as the poison inside it will spread faster if they do. She tells them that they have to go to Black Ven and there they will find Merlin so he can cure Alice.

Merlin says that they can act quickly to cure Alice, but Hellboy must promise him something in return. That something is that he must do whatever is necessary to stop Nimue. Hellboy agrees to this and Merlin pulls out the stick which is now some snake or something.

After she is cured, Merlin knocks both Ben and Alice with magic so he can tell Hellboy what he must do to defeat Nimue. We then find out that through a descendant of King Arthur named Bethany Hughes, who married a freaking demon.

Why Did She Marry A Demon? Who Knows As This Film Doesn’t Say Why.

Oh and she was taken down to hell and delivered a son. That son is named Anung un Rama and Hellboy says he had heard that before and he did when Ruiz was dying. That of course means Hellboy is Anung un Rama and is the descendant of King Arthur.

Yep…I Had That Reaction Of “What” Too When I Saw This And Again This Is As Someone Who Never Read The Comics.

So of course because of this, Hellboy must wield Excalibur.

As Hellboy grabs the sword, he sees an apocalyptic future with him as ruler of the figurative hell on Earth.

And Is Riding A Freaking Dragon

And Is Slaughtering A Crap Ton Of Humans

Hellboy decides not to take the sword despite giving Merlin his word and Merlin calls him a fool as he used the last of his magic to bring Excalibur there and now that it is gone, there is no way to defeat Nimue and Merlin crumbles into dust.

A bug comes out of Merlin and that little bug goes all the way to London before getting eaten by a crow. In London, Nimue starts killing people with her plague magic.

Nimue arrives at the fish and chips shop and kills everyone there before finding the secret elevator to M-11 HQ.

Back at Black Ven, Hellboy reveals that Merlin offered him Excalibur and he didn’t take it because if he did, it would bring about the end of the world. Ben is unbelieving of this, thinking Hellboy just has a massive ego. We then learn that the Blood Queen is at HQ and Broom is in trouble.

Hellboy goes to the elevator and finds HQ filled with corpses and Broom missing.

They find out through a news telecast that Nimue has taken Broom to the cathedral. At the cathedral, Hellboy nearly gets shot and the authorities apologize. Inside, Hellboy, Ben, and Alice have to deal with a monstrous form of Gruagach.

Hellboy and Gruagach fight and Hellboy is in trouble.

GORE!!! GORE!!! GORE!!!

Of course, Hellboy uses this time to take out one of Gruagach’s eyes with the other tusk that isn’t in him.

Ben might need to get another injection, but seeing Hellboy’s situation decides against it and tells Alice to get away. When she wonders why, we find out that the battle with the demonic jaguar turned Ben into a Were-Jaguar.

In his new state, Ben then attacks Gruagach.

Hellboy realizes that it is Ben and they double team Gruagach, but it seems even their combined strength is not enough for Gruagach in his current form. But you know who stops Gruagach from getting his revenge? You’ll never guess who.

Nimue As She Still Believes She And Hellboy Can Be Together, Despite All His Previous Rejections. 

Yes, Gruagach was the one who did everything for Nimue to get her power and all Nimue would have had to let him do is kill Hellboy. And he was this close to doing it before you stopped it. Nimue, Goku, if you please.

You Fool!

Nimue then kills Gruagach with her magic.

It Is At This Point You Realize That Everything That Happens Here Is Nimue’s Fault. I Guess That Is Okay For Villain.

Nimue again tries turn Hellboy to her side. Hellboy says no and Nimue knocks him into what is buried under the cathedral and of all the places for something to be.

Excalibur Is Buried Under This Cathedral

Oh and Arthur is buried there too.

Nimue again tries to get Hellboy to join her in bringing the apocalypse and is willing to let Hellboy kill her if it means causing the apocalypse by taking the sword. Hellboy says he is done playing her games so Nimue brings in Hellboy’s adoptive father Professor Broom.

Hellboy tries to bargain to sacrifice himself for Broom to live. Nimue says she already has Hellboy and he doesn’t know it yet so she mortally wounds Broom.

Hellboy is very sorrowful and begs his father not to die, but he is already dead. Hellboy has not earned this moment at all considering how much throughout the entire movie, he was fighting with his dad. Alice is hiding and we find that Ben has turned back to normal. Nimue then taunts Hellboy that his adoptive father’s death was a mercy killing compared to what she is going to do to the rest of mankind and both his adoptive and real fathers would be ashamed of what Hellboy has become. Hellboy in his anger grabs Excalibur from the stone and become the full monster that was feared.

Okay, Unhappy Ending And We Are All Fucked As Evil Wins. A Surprise Ending, But I’ll Take…..There Is Still 23 Minutes Left In This Movie.

Instead of that, Hellboy comes out and Ben sees the gun with the bullet he needs to kill him. Meanwhile outside, demons start coming out of the ground and killing people in a very gory manner.

Ben gets the gun and aims for Hellboy.

And Shoot Hellboy, Right? Being A Hero And Saving The Day, Right? 20 More Minutes…..COME ON!!!!!

Instead Alice uses her spirit powers to have Broom’s ghost come out of her body.

Broom tells Hellboy that this new evil isn’t him as he is better than that. Nimue says this ghost is wrong and Broom says she is just using him so stop being a “whiney little shit” and show her that she is wrong. As she wants him to fulfill his destiny, Broom says “all this bitching and moaning about destiny” and then tells Hellboy to “grow a pair”. Broom, you’re not making a very good argument for Hellboy to be good.

But then he tells Hellboy not “to let a prophecy tell him who he is”. Of course that works and Hellboy decides to kill Nimue with Excalibur.

Hellboy then puts the sword down and all the demons go back to hell.

Hellboy then breaks most of his own newly formed horns.

Ben decides not to kill him and Hellboy grabs Nimue’s head, which is still talking since she is kind of immortal.

She is still claiming that this isn’t over, but Hellboy throws her head into hell.

Hellboy then talks to the ghost of Broom who is still there and asks why he didn’t kill him back then when he knew all of this would happen. Broom then says he tried to be the best father he could because he didn’t know anything about raising a kid. Broom says that Hellboy changed him from the killer he was into the father he became. Yeah, I wish we could see more of this fatherly stuff and not them arguing forever.

He also calls Hellboy mankind’s best and only hope. Hellboy begs him not to go, but of course, he has to go and does….back into Alice. Meanwhile, Ben shows Alice the bullet with the liquid to kill Hellboy and destroys it. We then have this nice exchange between the two.

Alice: I like cats.

Ben (looking at himself): I’ve always been more of a dog person.

So what will they do with Excalibur as it is easily on the grounds of the cathedral and not buried? How will England explain all of this? How will they do a proper funeral to all who were lost? You aren’t getting any answer as we go to six months later in Siberia.

In this final scene, Hellboy, Ben, and Alice go into a hidden base and kick some members of the Atlantis Society’s ass. Of course there is some banter before hand and Ben reveals the Jaguar change only happens with a change in his mood so Hellboy slaps him and punches him so he turns into the Jaguar form.

I Have Nothing To Say Other Than This Scene Of Them Killing Members Of The Atlantis Society Is Awesome.

After that glorious bit of ass-kicking, they find a tank and what is apparently in the tank.

Yep….If You’ve Seen The Del Toro Films Or Read The Comics, You Know That Is Abe Sapien Because It Goes To Credits After This.

But this is not the end of the film as we get a mid-credits and after credits scene.

The Mid Credits Scene Involves Hellboy Getting Cheered Up At His Adoptive Dad’s Grave By The Ghost Of Lobster Johnson, Who Hellboy Was A Huge Fan Of.

The After Credits Scene Is Baba Yaga Telling An Unseen Force To Go Kill Hellboy With The Promise Of Letting This Force Finally Die If It Kills Hellboy.

And that is the end of this film.

And if you are wondering about any of those sequel questions, keep asking because this movie BOMBED. Yes, in a time where Netflix has two movies nominated for Best Picture and a film nominated for Best Animated Film (over Frozen 2, mind you) and in a time where Hollywood is really starting to realize that releasing a turd and painting gold on it in hopes to fool audiences is starting to backfire, this remake wildly backfired and bombed. And if you ask the people making the films, they have a ton of excuses like being unfairly compared to Marvel (which is rich since I think it was more fairly going to be compared to the Del Toro Hellboy films since it is about the SAME CHARACTER) or making proclamations that this will eventually be a cult film (which considering we already have two better Hellboy films before this one was released, makes that highly unlikely, unless it gets cult for how bad it is).

Of course, like many of these films that win this award, not much is gonna cause the major stars to suffer as Milla Jovovich (who played Nimue) still has films her husband is working on like the film adaptation to the video game series Monster Hunter, which she will be starring in (you might want to be afraid), David Harbour (who played Hellboy) will be in the new Black Widow movie, Ian McShane (who played Professor Broom) still has the John Wick movie to make (whenever that fourth film will be) as well as American Gods since he wasn’t one of the people that show decided to fire, Thomas Haden Church (who played Lobster Johnson) also had the Peanut Butter Falcon (which I really liked) in 2019, Stephen Graham (who voiced Gruagach) will be in Venom 2 and since he does a lot of British films, he’ll be fine, and Laila Morse (who had an uncredited role as Gatekeeper) will still be Mo on Eastenders. Also, no one has died yet so this doesn’t have a sad ending for anyone yet.

Now for my final thoughts of this movie and it is a terrible film. CGI that is schizophrenic on whether it is good or not, terribly written characters and introducing things that may mean something like Hellboy turns evil if he touches Excalibur to being pointless as Hellboy ultimately gets convinced not to be evil. It also has to be compared to the other Hellboy movies, which were a lot better than this because if you are going to leech off of the good the other movies have, you have to take the expectations that your movie could not live up to. In today’s world of inflated ticket prices for theaters and better options coming home, a film like this is not going to cut it.

Now that we are done with that, I know NegaSeth is back so come out here and deliver me what is next.

Aw….Is That Any Way To Greet An Old Pal?

We are not friends and you know it.

Nah, I’m just messing with you. I’m glad we aren’t friends because I am going to enjoy making you suffer with this next film bec…

They picked the Gamera movie.

Huh….

I saw the poll and the list of nominees and since every time a Gamera film is nominated, they pick it. It’s pretty predictable.

Well, jokes on you. They decided to do something different and…

*looks at what won*

…they picked the Gamera movie. Dammit…

Sucks when you want the audience to make me suffer and they pick the most obvious film that probably won’t make me suffer. And here is the best part….the Gamera movie they picked this time, I actually am okay with that film.

You son of a…I’ll get you next time for this. Just take the movie and induct it.

Gamera vs. Jiger Is Next.