Monster Crap Inductee: ThanksKilling 3 (2012)

Monster Crap Inductee: ThanksKilling 3

A Definite Showing Of More Money, More Problems

2012

*Sigh*

I really don’t want to do this. I mean, I really liked ThanksKilling a lot. In fact, it is still my favorite induction on this site. And it wasn’t until 2012 that I was made aware of ThanksKilling 3. And it took even longer for me to realize that there was a Kickstarter for the film in 2011. Yeah, I saw the film before realizing that the film had a Kickstarter. And apparently, I was told that the original film had an estimated budget of $3,500 while this sequel (I’ll explain where 2 is later) had an estimated budget of $112,000. Which means this sequel has way more money to go to spend.

And what would this movie spend more money on? Puppets. Yes, instead of a slasher movie with human actors (the first movie), we would get a horror movie that acts like a slasher movie, but has puppets, Sci-Fi elements, and music montages (not kidding). The only two people back for this sequel (and past Monster Crap alumni) are Jordan Downey and Kevin Stewart (Writers & Downey is the director as well as doing the puppet work of some major puppet characters).

Not much to talk about that other than that, but because the people making ThanksKilling were so nice and sent me a thank you for my review, I felt emotionally obligated to send those guys an apology because while I was so glowing with how awesomely bad ThanksKilling was, I am not going to be as glowing towards ThanksKilling 3.

Let’s get to the film.

We begin with….

An Immediate Need To Bring Back Our Old Black Box Friend

Yeah, when I mentioned people returning for the first movie, I forgot Wanda Lust also returns. She is a porn star and was the pilgrim who the Turkey said “Nice Tits, Bitch” in the beginning as like this, her boobs were showing. And like that film, she gets killed off by the Turkey (now known as Turkie) in this film, but by lasers this time.

And Terrible Effects As Well.

You see, Turkie is in a spaceship and he says the line.

Turkie: Nice Tits, Bitch…..In Space!!!

We find out this film is from Cran Berryman.

Oh Boy, We Are Getting The Pun Hammer To The Skull Early

He then gets radioed by a fellow pilot named Pie-Lett and yes, he is a Pumpkin Pie.

I Want To Remind Everyone That The First Movie Cost $3,500 To Make And This Cost $112,000 To Make. I Have A Feeling I Might Say This A Lot.

We then find out that this is part of ThanksKilling 2.

Then a narrator voice tells us that legend has it that ThanksKilling 2 was the worst movie ever made and only one copy remained. Also, Turkie would stop at nothing to get it.

We then see another puppet who the narrator tells us is going to be our hero.

Yes, This Movie With A Bigger Budget Is Going To Be That Type Of Movie With Both Puppets And People In The Real World, Although In This Movie….The Puppets Won’t Be Treated As Second Class Citizens.

We find out this puppet named Yomi has lost her mind.

No Seriously, Her Mind Went Away.

The mind before disappearing tells her that when she finds it, she will find home. Now the narrator says our story begins on this landfill where many copies of ThanksKilling 2 and all ThanksKilling 2 merchandise are being burned by two men in a gas mask.

Oh And If You Were Expecting An Opening Title Card For ThanksKilling 3, Tough Shit Because You Only Get That At The End.

After the opening credits that may make a person who has epilepsy suffer a seizure, an beam of light crashes.

Out from that light comes an alien named Muff and his master named Rhonda Worm.

They say that Turkie will be pretty pissed when he finds out about all the copies of ThanksKilling 2 being destroyed. They walk away and we move to Turkie, who has a wife and kid.

This Movie Cost $112,000 To Make

The Turkey Wife has to convince Nibla to eat some birthday cake and he eats it like normal young birds eat their food.

Having Their Mom Chew It And Vomit The Remains On Them. 8 Minutes In And I Already Want To Quit Inducting This.

We get some joke about Turkie being abusive to his wife and basically revealed that Nibla bought a Pluck Master 3000.

We then see a stupid commercial about the Pluck Master 3000.

Yep, They Got Some Of The Old Cast To Just Make Appearances In This Stupid Commercial And Not Speak.

We then get introduced to Uncle Donny, who is hawking this Pluck Master 3000.

Basically this Pluck Master can pluck and cook a live turkey in under 30 seconds. Man, this machine looks like a scam, but in this universe….it works. Then we get some news about ThanksKilling 2 getting destroyed.

This pisses off Turkie. The wife reveals she knew, but she didn’t want Turkie to hear about it on his birthday. Turkie gets so pissed that this movie is getting destroyed that in his rage, he kills his wife just as she was willing to gobble his balls for tonight to make him feel better.

Nibla is terrified and begs his dad to spare him as he will help him save ThanksKilling 2 somehow. Turkie is okay with this. We get one thing for Cat Steinberg: Attorney At Paw.

Ow….Dammit, The Pun Hammer Hurt Me With That One.

We then go to an alley where Yomi wakes up in a trash bin.

Yomi immediately is looking for her mind when she meets a talking fly and a talking dumpster can named Greg Garbage.

We also find a cartoon cat named Meowmir with terrible cartoon intro.

$112,000 At Work

That cartoon intro causes Greg Garbage to puke and an intact copy of ThanksKilling 2 is found.

And after that, those two characters leave and Yomi decides to get out of the dumpster with a backpack carrying the DVD. In case you haven’t figured it out yet, yes….there is a ThanksKilling 2 in existence and it is a prop. After getting out, she meets Uncle Donny.

He explains that the hair he is wearing is a wig that was popular in olden times. Yomi realizes that Uncle Donny is from those Pluck Master commercials and the slogan is “Let Pluck Master Give You Piece Of Mind” and thinks he may know where her mind went. For some reason Yomi wants to find Thanksgiving, because she thinks her mind went there so Uncle Donny (feeling sorry for her) decides that he is going to show her Thanksgiving.

Meanwhile, Turkie and Nibla are flying on a seagull from Sea Gull Taxi.

Again, This Costs $112,000

This Cost $3,500

Nibla tells his dad that he got a call from the agent that all copies except one were burned and the last copy was in the dump. Turkie reacts to this by pushing his son to his death.

I Didn’t Add That Censor, That Censor Is In The Damn Movie.

Turkie takes Nibla’s soul and has it find the last copy of Thanks killing 2.

We then go to Uncle Donny’s house.

With The Pluck Master 3000, You Would Expect Uncle Donny To Have A Bigger House

Here We Meet Donny’s Friend Jefferson And His Mother. Yes, His Mother Is An Ugly Looking Puppet And She Loves Trying To Rap.

Jefferson says no technology at the dinner table or you get the long pike, which is actually a broomstick with a butter knife taped on.

He says it is just a placeholder as he will get a real long pike soon. We also find out that Grandma had a boyfriend named Rodney, who was so last week and now she is dating DeAngelo. Grandma talks sex with her own son and again, I was tempted to turn this movie off.

Donny finally comes by with Yomi and Jefferson tries to act like a security guard with his fake long pike. Donny reveals that he invited her and as Donny and Jefferson are arguing, we hear talk about Thanksgiving Land, a park the two plan to build someday.  We also find out that Grandma’s name is Lois, although she wants to be called Flow-is. We also see a cockroach puppet.

A Cockroach On A Stick. $112,00 At Work Here.

The cockroach says that Yomi’s mind is in the oven. Jefferson gets mad that she was eating food and says that kids got their hands cut off back in the day. Donny says stop it because he doesn’t want his head of security long piking little kids. While more argument is going on, the soul of Nibla has possessed the copy of Thanks Killing 2.

Turkie finds out through the soul that Uncle Donny has his movie and he decides to go there to get it. Uncle Donny then does his voice that he will be using when Thanksgiving Land is eventually open. Donny wants the sign to be turned on and we have several minutes of Jefferson trying to use his fake long pike to turn on the sign and finally does.

Nearly 2 Minutes Of Our Time Wasted For This Joke

Jefferson talks about how as soon to be chief of security for Thanksgiving Land, no modern stuff will be allowed (despite rides being of modern technology, I believe) or you will be banned and shamed for 10 years. As his grandma (who is in a wheelchair) says this is a terrible idea, Jefferson then says that Thanksgiving Land will have no handicap accessibility (yeah…that’ll work). Oh and then we get to talk about how pilgrims were notorious line waiters so there will be no way to cut the line in Thanksgiving Land. Oh, and in the Gravy River, you can float on it, but no dipping food in it.

Jefferson then talks trash about what Flow-is is wearing, and she says that if he makes fun of her attire again, she will make him drink a catheter milkshake. Flow-is then tells Yomi that she dresses the way she does since God told her to and when she gets to heaven, she is going to blow God. She explains that before she watched her soap operas, but one day Jefferson forgot to pay the bills and the only thing she could watch for a while was BET, which was why she believed God told her to be an aspiring hip hopper. When Flow-is moves, she gets her wheel caught on a blanket which unveils the original prototype of the Pluck Master 3000 in the Pluck Master 1.

Uncle Donny is definitely not happy, seeing this being accidentally unveiled. He asks Yomi to help him with the pies being put in the oven, but Yomi wants to use the machine. Donny basically says the machine is not for pies and is way to dangerous so not to play with it. Someone rings the doorbell and Jefferson, thinking it is his long pike, answers it. He then imagines it is his long pike when it is obvious it isn’t. Unfortunately, this is what it really is.

It’s Turkie, Who Immediately Killed Jefferson, Saying “Looks Like He Just Quit Life, Cold Turkey”

Turkie then grabs the butter knife, spreads some of his remains on a piece of toast, and then eats it.

Turkie: He’s Toast

Turkie then demands that they hand over his movie, even though they obviously don’t know what he is talking about. The movie then shows up and shows that Nibla has possessed it.

Then a random voice tells Nibla to follow him while Donny and Yomi also follow the voice with Flow-is. They go and the door is closed, which pisses Turkie off. Then we go to Ronda Worm and Muff as they are in the desert. Apparently, they don’t know where they are going since Muff forgot to get the latest update of Snoogle Maps.

*Sigh*

They then have to call Nerd Worm.

After some very boring discussion of Mandy Moore’s career, they find the coordinates to the DVD. Meanwhile, Donny, Yomi, and Flow-is are transported to the forest where we find out that Uncle Donny had a family once, but while seeking stuffing for Donny’s Pluck Master 1, they were killed by wolves as they also like that kind of stuffing apparently. Uncle Donny said that after that horrible incident, he turned off Pluck Master 1 and never turned him on again. Since he believed Pluck Master 1 ruined his life, he decided to build Thanksgiving Land. They then finally meet the voice that summoned them in Wise Turkey.

He reveals that they are at the gates of the Feather Realm, which is a peaceful afterlife for turkeys. Wise Turkey says that Yomi is quite special and we get a boring backstory of the Feather Realm. Basically, turkeys who accepted their fate of death during Thanksgiving were sent here and those who were angry that turkeys are killed on Thanksgiving spawned a devil turkey who was once a Wise Turkey and became Turkie. Wise Turkey gives Yomi a wishbone.

Wise Turkey says it will guide them. He then has Uncle Donny come to him and tells the human to stay by Yomi’s side as there is something peculiar about the DVD. The Wise Turkey tells Donny that Turkie seems to want that DVD at all costs. Yomi wants Wise Turkey to come with them, but Wise Turkey says that if he goes to the natural world….it will be the end of him. He tells Yumi that the wishbone is the only thing that Turkie lacks and that the wishbone will guide them to Yomi’s mind.

Yeah, That Wishbone May Be Important, But Can It Guide You Through Great Public Domain Stories???

Wise Turkey disappears and they are transported back to the house, where Turkie is waiting. The evil turkey tells us that we are entering Turkey Vision and we get a meaningless montage of Turkie telling Yomi that he has her mind and if she gives him the DVD, he will give it back. I hate to tell you this, but other than that…..it is just random techno music and not much else happens.

POINTLESS

Basically, Yomi gave him the DVD and Turkie laughs about how he fooled her as he doesn’t have her mind. It seems they are boned since Flow-is wheelchair stops working, but they are saved by Muff and Rhonda Worm who arrive just in time.

We then find out that Turkie and Rhonda Worm had a past sexual tryst and Rhonda Worm was pregnant with their kid, but Turkie left them. Donny sees that Turkey is near the beginning of Pluck Master 1, so Donny turns it on.

Turkie gets put through the painful Pluck Master process and comes out looking horrifying.

Oh, do you think this movie is over? No…..this is an hour and 38 minute movie and we are only at 48 minutes? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We then have a conversation between Donny and Pluck Master 1 as Pluck Master is pissed that he had been turned off for so long. Rhonda Worm introduces himself and Muff to everyone. Muff makes Rhonda Worm reveal they met on some film called “Girth Worm 6”. Nibla is upset that his dad is dead, blaming Rhonda for the death, but Pluck Master wants the credit instead. Rhonda reveals that while Turkie may be dead, his curse is not as while Rhonda and Turkie met on the set of ThanksKilling 2, Rhonda notices Turkie put a curse on the movie that would cast anyone who watched ThanksKilling 2 under his spell so they could die a horribly painful, lonely death. More terrible puns like “Worminal Cancer” and “Worminal Minds” ensue when they reveal they have to destroy the movie aka Nibla in space, where it was cursed.

More terrible rapping from Flow-is as Rhonda reveals that they can just vortex the thing through Muff’s ass.

It seems all is over, but no…..Turkie is not dead thanks to the curse and is revived thanks to some Skele-Turkeys.

Turkie is back and tells the Skele-Turkeys this.

Turkie: Well, Let’s Go Get Some Drinks And Kill A Bunch Of Fuckers.

Then they reveal that they lost Turkie’s penis and Turkie is not happy. So Turkie creates himself a Chainsaw Dick.

So Yes, That Chainsaw You See In The Poster At The Beginning Of The Induction Is Turkie Showing You His Wiener.

And then to steal a line from a much better movie, Turkie says this.

Turkie: Gravy…

Turkie finally shows up and says “String Cheese” for some reason and then a shitty animation commercial for Greenie’s String Cheese plays.

Remember That This Movie Cost More To Make Than The First.

Flow-is then decides to sacrifice herself to buy them time by taking the chainsaw dick.

But the sacrifice is in vain as the Skele-Turkeys also attack and Muff closes the portal in his ass to help everyone with the Skele-Turkeys. As Flow-is dies, she gets a vision of Jefferson with a long pike telling her to come with him to heaven.

Another music video shows the good guys fighting the Skele-Turkeys while Yomi and Turkie try to get the Nibla Possessed DVD which ultimately leads to Turkie using his Chainsaw Dick to cut off her arm.

Then Turkie takes off the Chainsaw and takes Nibla away into the oven, which surprisingly leads to another world known as Turkey Hell.

While Yomi is down, her mind tells her to come to it. As she is down, Rhonda reveals that Yomi is what all stuffed toys are all based on. Donny is forced to put his hand up her ass to finally wake her up. Yomi tells them that she saw her mind and says that her mind is in the oven. They want to go in, but only Yomi and Rhonda can go in since they fit. And then we had this strange moment.

This Makes No Sense And Is Never Explained.

Oh and they apparently must have terrible disguises as well for some reason.

As Rhonda and Yomi venture into Turkey Hell, they hear voices of turkeys telling them to turn back. As they are walking, somehow rats are here.

Those rats talk about butt cheesing and honestly, like most of this movie, it goes nowhere. Outside Turkey Hell, Donny is fixing both Muff and Pluck Master. Donny and Pluck Master also have a moment to apologize about past events.

Back in Turkey Hell, Yomi and Rhonda meet some Skele-Turkey guards who make some jokes before noticing them because Yomi accidentally stepped on a bone. Yomi and Rhonda pretend to be turkeys and the Skele-Turkeys buy it. If you expect me to have problems with that, the first movie had the killer turkey pretend to be someone’s dad with a tiny mask of him, a hat, and nothing else and they bought it. 

They arrive and see Turkie prepare Nibla in a machine so the curse can be finally unleashed. As they hear, Rhonda for some reason imagines Yomi sucking on his tail.

I’m Not Gonna Say Anything. I’m Just Going To Move On And Try To Finish This Induction.

So more techno plays as the curse begins.

Yomi finally reveals herself, telling Turkie to stop right there. Turkie tells Rhonda that she needs to get over him as she was just a piece of poon. Rhonda then reveals that he is a dud who lost his penis to a trout when he was younger and reveals that he is gay. This pisses off Turkie that he had sex with a guy who pretended to be a woman that he sends his new friend Franken-Turkey after them.

The monster says he doesn’t want to go by Franken-Turkey anymore and instead wants to go by Blarth. After Turkie facepalms over this, he just agrees he can be Blarth, but he has to go after them. It seems that they may be in trouble, but Rhonda has an idea and tells Yomi to put him down. She does so and Rhonda distracts Turkie and Blarth so that Yomi could sneak by and steal Nibla away from the machine.

Turkie realizes that was the plan too late as Yomi now has the movie and grabs Rhonda as well so they could get out of Turkey Hell, with Turkie and Blarth chasing them.

Yomi starts to see her mind telling her to not stop now and tells her that he is in the vortex. Blarth grabs Rhonda as Yomi escapes from Turkey Hell. Muff finishes the job by blasting Blarth.

We then get Rhonda’s death scene as he is dying with Muff upset over this.

Rhonda wants to hear Muff’s heart beat one last time so Muff puts Rhonda to his chest, but it was too hard as Rhonda gets squishes.

Muff is definitely upset and shoots itself.

We even see Jefferson tell Muff to come up to heaven with him for some reason.

Turkie shows up as Donny tries to fix Muff. It seems the good guys maybe in deep trouble when Wise Turkey shows up.

Wise Turkey then teleports the two into a video game system from 1993.

As Donny continues to try to bring Muff back to life so they can use his vortex, we find out that Rhonda isn’t dead.

Bullshit! I Know Worms Can Regenerate, But When They Are Squished, They Are Dead. Rhonda Was Dead And Should Have Stayed Dead.

Rhonda fixes Muff and gets the vortex started.

Meanwhile, Turkie wins and kills Wise Turkey with the axe.  

Probably Were Better Off Making A ThanksKilling Video Game Than This Sequel

Because of this, Turkie is back at the house as everyone else is there. He grabs Yomi as she was about to send Nibla into the vortex and starts strangling her.

As Yomi is near death, she sees Jefferson, who is not happy to see her.

Jefferson: Oh...Hey, Yomi. You Want To Go To Heaven? Fuck You….

Yomi then remembers the wishbone and jams it in Turkie’s neck.

This blows up Turkie’s body.

Turkie’s head still is fighting and trying to kill Yomi as the vortex is starting to suck them in. Nibla sends the head into the vortex, finally realizing that his dad is an asshole.

Remembering that her mind was in the vortex, Yomi tells Donny to let her go. Donny has issues doing it, but finally relents.

We get a small montage of Yomi in the woods playing with fake butterflies and the portal ends with the voice of Wise Turkey saying that soon, she found her mind. We then have a sad song sung by Rhonda (which sucks). Rhonda makes some bad jokes as Donny just stares off and then we go to the very next day.

It seems Donny finally finished Thanksgiving Land, which should have taken more than a freaking day to complete.

And That Park Will Be Closing Quickly Since There Is Not Much Use For A Thanksgiving Land.

As Donny asks what do they think, we find out that Donny used parts of Pluck Master to fix Muff and Pluck Master is not happy.

We end the movie with Jefferson in the sky happy that Thanksgiving Land has finally been built.

Then Turkie shows up to finally tells us to “Gobble Gobble, Mother Fucker”

After Such A Movie, This So Isn’t Worth It.

Oh And There Is The Title Card Sequence. Compared To ThanksKilling, This Is Lame.

Oh and after the credits, we get a Flow-is music video.

Just To Finish This Middle Finger To Me For Liking The First Movie

No aftermath and no deaths so we can finally move on to final thoughts.

After all of that, you can see that I HATE THIS MOVIE. Look back at the ThanksKilling induction and see how much fun I had inducting that one, and then see how much pain I had with this. I so wish this movie would be so much better because I so liked the people who made this, but I gotta be honest and honestly, the bigger budget made them do so much crap that should not have been done. The puppets (besides the turkey), 2D animations, and music moments were annoying when honestly, if you had done ThanksKilling 2 like Jason X, it might have been super fun. But ultimately, the joke was on me because I bought this movie twice. Once to watch it on Amazon Prime for the first time and the second time, to do this induction with the DVD. So I bought this movie twice, but there will not be a third time as I’ve finally got this induction done so I never need to see this again.

Now that we finally have that done and buried, the next induction is a movie to celebrate the life of a legend in Sid Haig, who sadly passed away this year. The film that won was a film that had no votes before Thanksgiving and then rocketed to win the poll quickly. That film is a little known 70s film called...